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Good news. 1) you don’t have to have kids if you don’t want them. If people shade you about it then frick them. 2) you are still very young and have plenty of time to hone skills to help with the ADHD. Since you seemed to have learned about it in the younger side you can use that time to build skills. I didn’t get diagnosed until 28/29 so sometimes it feels like having to start life over.
No matter what you choose in the future though you got this! And don’t let anyone make you feel bad about your choices. I have friends/coworkers who are single and childless (and are older than me) and love their lives. You do what you need to do for your mental health!!!
This is good advice, I only became aware of my ADHD in my 30s. Please prevent yourself from focusing on your negative traits and whining about your life, this is absolutely useless and actually makes your life much harder. There is no point in wasting your energy that way. Learn this lesson asap.
You should be focusing on what you can do to improve your life. And actually trying to do it consistently, not expecting to correct things from one day to the other - follow the consistency route, 0.1% better everyday (with lots of bad day in between, its ok) is already a win. Recognize your effort, dont be too hard on yourself and be grateful
Firstly, congratulations on being open and honest about yourself and your limitations. To know yourself especially this early is a sign of strength. Don’t forget that. One of the hardest things for those of us with ADHD is following the thread of impulsive decisions and seeing the potential (terrible) outcomes.
Secondly and most importantly, your life is going to look a lot different as you go through the years, become independent and start to work out coping mechanisms on your own. You don’t need to make all these decisions now. There’s plenty to enjoy - even with the difficulties of ADHD. Lots of us have lovely long term, wonderful, understanding relationships. You just need to patiently wait until it comes along - and isn’t just a hyper focus!
I don't want kids either. The way I look at it, there's already over 8 billion people on the planet, and humanity won't go extinct if I don't procreate. Also, the peace of mind, quiet, freedom, and disposable income that comes with not having kids is priceless.
I don't know about the quiet & disposable income. My three fur babies tend to rack up vet bills & demand plenty of attention 😆
My oldest (10yr, 45lb rescue mutt) costed me 2k back in October for a dental crown 👑 😑
Okay - I got good news for you my friend. Your not done yet. I am almost 40 (so like super old) and guess what I was you and I'm nothing like that any more.
Yes, I still have adhd. Yes life is still way harder than it should be some days. Yes, that sucks. But also, I am so much better at life than I used to be. Legit - I'm a senior director at a rapidly growing insurance company. I own a home. Married with 3 dogs and way too many plants that are all still alive (thank you very much!). I've traveled to like 20 countries and I am learning Spanish despite what my mom and high school Spanish teachers said.
If I was still the me I was at 16, I wouldn't be able to handle this life, but I grew into it. Like you will yours. It won't be like mine, but it will be perfect for you!! You don't need to decide on kids today (like please use protection!!) or marriage. You just need to figure out what you do want out of life and start heading in that general direction. Always keep pushing yourself to level up. I am capable of so much more than I used to give myself credit for. I think you are too.
Think about it this way, school (basically how kids measure themselves) is a terrible environment for us adhd'ers. Too many distractions and just not designed for some folks. But that stage of life is coming to an end sooner or later. Maybe you will thrive in life once you get a job and a career that suits your brain type. I legit dated someone who was a professional scuba diver lol. Go find what works for you and pays the bills. Keep growing. Learn the hard lessons. The rest will work itself out.
I have 2.
One with adhd and Tourette's, and the other I suspect autism.
I have adhd and pda/autism, and I'm also HoH and used to have depression (I got treated for it).
I adore my kids and love everything about being a mom, even the bad days. Messes and chaos never bothered me.
Antidepressants.
I got lucky that my 1st prescription killed 90% of all my depression symptoms.
I'm only left with stress and extreme laziness.
But that's because I view depression differently. To me, depression means you're suicidal, crying every day, and want to die because there is no hope for the future.
My suicidal ideation, self harm, and wanting to cry day in and day out feelings all went away after a year on Antidepressants (sertraline).
But the other parts of depression that I don't view as a big deal because they overlap with ADHD anyway, didn't go away. Stuff like hobbies aren't that fun anymore, days are kinda boring, I am lazy as sin, under a lot of stress, etc.
I view these as easy fixes: just give me $5 million dollars and a vacation multiple times a year and I'm "cured" 😆.
That's similar to where I'm at with my depression too. I still have a lot of self hate but the suicidal thoughts went away. However, I have zero interest in doing anything other than watch TV and/or play video games these days. I have pretty bad chronic pain on top of the ADHD, anxiety, and depression, so I'm already stuck in bed most of the time as it is.
I'm a crafter and I used to love doing all sorts of crafts. Now my craft room is basically the junk room.
But yeah, gimme money to go to Colorado or Disney World and I'm sure I'll have an all new perspective, at least for a little while. 😂
My dad has ADHD and he was the best father growing up. He may have not always been organized all the time or was always on top of remembering when I had field trips, but he made me feel safe and loved.
I think it depends really.
You make me feel a lot better about being an ADHD mom. I feel like I let my kid down all the time but I also always make sure to show him tons of love and support so I hope that's enough for him, even when Mom forgets all the things.
I don’t want to have kids, so I haven’t had any. The adhd I didn’t know I had until I was nearly 40 is, in hindsight, probably the reason I don’t have them.
If you don’t want to be a parent then don’t. Just make sure you are careful and it’s not something you end up doing by accident.
I agree with most of what you wrote. But I got stuck on your last sentence where you say, "...I will always feel like a burden."
I can't begin to describe how much I hate this for you! OP, you are a unique person with strengths and weaknesses like everyone else. Why do you feel like a burden? Is someone in your life telling you this?
"When we see our uniqueness as a virtue, only then do we find peace." This is a quote from a movie, but it really holds meaning for me.
You're NOT a burden! You're a wonderful person with a beautiful life ahead of you, if you can only see it. I'm not saying life will be easy, but I think you can find your way through it with purpose, humility and gentle humor. You're already starting with the knowledge of some of your limitations, so you have a lifetime to work out how to make your way through it all.
I have faith in you, OP. Please don't give up on yourself!
my mom tells me this not directly obviously but she keeps telling me that i am annoying and full of mistakes(literally) ( she even once told me that she regrets giving birth to me before i knew i had adhd)
Oh damn, I'm so sorry! But don't let that make you think everybody will feel the same way about you.
Sometimes we say things when we lash out in anger or frustration, and don't realize how hurtful it is. Your mom probably forgot she ever said that.
If she says something similar again, maybe you can gently point out to her that what she said is hurtful. Hopefully that will help her to understand the power of her words and she will choose her words more carefully in the future.
I understand how you feel. My mom used to tell me I was a failure and such. I didn't know I had ADHD until I was in my early 30s. I had no desire to get married or have kids either until I found the right person. Now I have a badass 9 year old.
Live your life how you want and screw everyone else who makes you feel like you can't make your own choices about kids and marriage.
Some parents don’t find being a parent easy and may say things that are harsh and untrue out of frustration. Just because she said it it doesn’t mean this is true about you. So many people call their kids annoying and a lot of them don’t have adhd. Don’t hold on to that though. It’s hard to see yourself as anything but the worst thing that was said to you but don’t let her comments drag you down. Know that you are lovely. Take this and many more sweet comments from other people in your life and even your mother when she says them and believe those.
...I'm so sorry. I know that feeling all too well from my youth. I had a parent that made a habit of calling me stupid and to this day it still messes with my head even though I have long since forgiven them.
Part of me wishes I was diagnosed earlier and had the guts to even consider this for myself. I’m a parent with ADHD, and it is tough. I do not recommend parenthood lightly to anyone, but to people with ADHD even less so.
So like others said. ADHD is a work in progress and for the people, like us, that try to make things work it can be awesome experience. I been with my wife for 7 years in total (almost 4 years married) and we do have our ups and downs. Does it look worse than most couples? Yeh, but at least she took the time to understand my disability for what it is. As for kids, we chose not to until I fixed some stuff about myself that I used ADHD as an excuse (bad habits and the works). It’s hard but it’s extremely worth it knowing I have someone next to me that shares that experience as we mold our imperfections.
I’m 41F - I have no kids, I knew from your age that I didn’t want them. I love my financial freedom and that my time is my own. I’m married, we have a farm with lots of animals we’ve rescued and lots of free time, I work from home and set my own hours which is hard because I’m definitely deadline motivated.
The fact that you are already thinking about how your behavior would affect a child or significant other likely means that you would be a good parent or partner.
You don’t have to have kids. You don’t have to get married. You can change your mind at any time. If you think you might change your mind and would want biological kids, get your sperm or eggs frozen when you are young as humans are becoming less and less fertile as they age in general.
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I really would like to get married and have kids but it feels impossible. Pretty sure I'm gonna be alone forever due to this illness and other comorbidities. 27M. Really hits hard when you realise males are essentially disposable.
I am around the same age and just want to offer some encouragement. Lots of people are “late bloomers” as it is for various reasons but guys with ADHD, autism, both, and so on seem more likely to have somewhat unstable or unsatisfactory periods of their lives and to only be social butterflies (enough to get married at least) towards 30. No shame there.
Totally valid life choice, you may get pressure from family.
Choose what is right for you.
I can enjoy spending time with family and friends kids, but I'm aways exhausted and grateful I can give the kids back to their parents. Totally happy with my house full of birds.
You may be being biased in that you’re only noticing the ones that are a disaster. Both myself and my partner have ADD and we’re doing great.
Circumstances change, life changes, your opinions change. Don’t be so easy to write these things off, especially if you want them later in life. You’re young, you have plenty of time to make these big decisions.
OMG whenever I bring this same logic up, my family hits me with the “you’ll change your mind when you get older” ??? Like I’m 23, you had a kid at 24 and lemme tell you, I’m not getting pregnant next year!! Like, is it really such a bad thing to avoid for your potential kid to have a 50% genetically passable and life altering “disorder” ??? TW: I think about suicide at least once every two weeks mostly due to my symptoms and you’re telling me “I’ll grow out of it”? Let alone MARRY someone who makes me feel lazy, unaccomplished and “crazy” just because they don’t understand my “quirky” (🙄) nature of adhd ??? Even my parents (one of them also has adhd) who love me unconditionally act like I’m giving them excuses when explaining my symptoms, you mean to tell me that some random person will? Might be a little pessimistic but it is what it is. I’m ALL for what you have said and it is ONE HUNDRED percent VALID. I feel you dude, it’s rough out here 😬
I’m not sure if this is really relevent but I have adhd and have no interest in sharing a space with anyone, if I ever was to get married I would want separate bed rooms.
Unless you live in an area where the State is interfering in your reproductive rights, having kids is usually optional for females and fairly easy for males to avoid. Generally speaking, there is no requirement to have kids. There is certainly cultural pressure for some people, but it is okay to choose not to reproduce. Some of my favourite people have made this choice, and it’s totally valid.
The same is true for marriage. And yes, it is definitely hard on our partners. But… try to remember that this is a disability, and that we are not the sum of our disabilities. If someone can’t love us in spite of our disability, then we probably shouldn’t be marrying them.
Your choices are valid, but you probably shouldn’t run out and get any tubes cut just yet. You’re young, so you may change your mind. You have lots of time.
Nobody's going to make you get married or have kids, but also plenty of us do have spouses and kids and we're doing well. Just because you're struggling now doesn't mean you'll always struggle. You can learn how to manage your ADHD so it doesn't ruin your whole life.
I’m 28 and I was feeling the same way for a long time. You just need a partner who understands your adhd. Most don’t care to understand so that creates conflict
>You just need a partner who understands your adhd.
The sad truth I realised recently is that my dating life screams "I don't want to belong to any club that would accept me as one of its members." I don't want anyone who would accept my pile of dirty dishes but I also don't want anyone who would put me down over it.
Are you getting help with your ADHD? Medication and therapy was a game changer for me. I am 28 now and I honestly thought I would not make it to 25. I was only diagnosed and medicated at 27. It felt like I was in a train watching my life pass me by. No direction and nothing to show for. I am still grieving for all the missed opportunities and how I was so hard on myself for not functioning like a “normal” person even though I try twice as hard. Having ADHD is fucking depressing and I felt like I was robbed of great opportunities because my ADHD wasn’t managed. Get help. Asap. It’s okay if you don’t want to have a partner or have children but get help nonetheless. College is gonna be a bitch without help/support.
It's your life, you can choose.
I felt the same at your age. Never getting married - too hard. Never having kids - there's too many people and the world's fucked up.
Now I'm married with two kids and honestly, cannot imagine functioning as an adult without my family. Having children of my own forced me to reconcile with my own issues, something my parents couldn't or wouldn't do. It's also resulted in my biggest fans, something that is a constant source of strength. Yeah, ADHD sucks - a lot. But we have each other, and we really have a lot of fun.
I guess what I'm really saying is, don't sell yourself short. If you really met the right person and wanted a family, you could do it. You also don't have to, no matter what pressure family or society puts on you. You're young, and your life circumstances and perspective about many things will change. For now, the best thing is probably to stay open to possibilities and don't over think it.
its ok! go after the help you need before thinking about any of these things, your life belongs to YOU and ONLY YOU!! have faith in yourself and get the help you need :)
Hi. ADHDer here. Suffered the same fears as a child and teen myself. 29 now. Met my best friend and life partner 8 years ago and we're heading on a trip to see my best friend who moved across the country. We all have ADHD and struggle immensely, but because we know we all have issues, we're very understanding and we allow people to give their side of things before we get mad. It's beautiful.
When you're an adult, you essentially get to choose who is in your life and how. Whoever made you miserable before no longer has to be in your life. Don't shame yourself for being who you are. Find systems that work for *you* not for others. And always follow what you need out of life.
Knowing that you may not be a good parent shows you have self awareness and insight to how hard it is. That's really cool of you as a teen to be able to see. It shows you pay attention.
We've agreed we prefer to be child free. We're just happier this way because we know we're imperfect at caring for ourselves, let alone children. We have 2 cats. That's all we need ❤️
I remember being 19-20 talking all kinds of shit to a friend of mine about people who'd ruin their lives by having kids our age. I was a dad less than a year later and I've had another two since.
Best part? I'm happy.
Just had the talk it’s my gf today.
I’m not having kids for that specific reason. The world is not designed for us, even if we set our minds to try, we are simply doomed to fail on the smallest scales even, things we are perfectly a capable of doing otherwise.
Work, social relationships. What good is ambition if you can’t stick to it.
She phas 2 kids already so we’re good. But for the first time, she had a glimpse of the mental turmoil and the kinds of life decision one gotta take. At first she didn’t get how I look so happy all that, whilst if she had looming decisions to take like that, she’d be a mess. I lied and said: I’m ok but no, knowing this about yourself brings a lot of discomfort.
Sorry, rambling. Point is: no children for me.
I never, ever wanted kids or to be married, then I met my wife, and I found someone who could handle me. Got one out of three kids I passed adhd to, it’s horrible reliving my horrible youth through my kids.
But if you find the person to help you, complete you your mind may change
congratulations on knowing what you want and being vocal of it!! its totally fair!! ive known i didnt want kids since i was 15 and i dont believe in marriage since my early 20’s
I’m in my 40’s and have never wanted to be in a romantic relationship or have kids! I’m quite happy on my own, I don’t feel like my life has missed anything. Although other people seem to have issues with it!
First this is in no way a *you should have get married and kids* comment. I also had no desire to have kids. We got pregnant by surprise but for me a very 🤪 ADHDer somehow managed to pull it together without even trying to. So it’s not crazy for everyone. Raising my daughter has been amazing, she is amazing and turns out she also has ADHD but our life together has been pretty great even after I became a single parent due to reasons that had nothing with ADHD or me.
It’s ok that you don’t want kids. Even without ADHD it is hard work but if you ever decide to in the future know that it is manageable and awesome too just like with any parent. Honestly it just depends on the person.
Adhd is hard for you now but it doesn’t mean that it will always feel like the world is burning down around you. You will struggle but that doesn’t mean that your life won’t be good. You are going to manage it by finding ways to do what you have to do just in a different way than those without ADHD. Don’t worry about marriage and having kids, just take care of you and finding your zigzag path in life.
You're only 16, don't even worry about marriage or children yet! If in 20 years you still don't want children and still don't want to get married then that's absolutely fine!! You don't have to!!
But also please don't base relationships or life from the people around you, they aren't normal and it's unfortunate you've had such a clouded view at such a young age. Life in general has it's ups and downs regardless of what you choose in life, things change, people change, finances change etc and that all has it's impact. Millions of people with ADHD and autism adore having children and have very happy marriages too.
Are you on medication for your ADHD? Also, you're at peak puberty age, ADHD is a billion times harder very suddenly when you become a teenager! Hormones are raging and you need to be kind to yourself. Also check your birth control as some can hugely help and others can hugely affect your mood, especially when you have ADHD.
28f, AuDHD here. My boyfriend of 7 yrs (not married) and I are both child free. I'm also sex-repulsed ace. Other people might look at our relationship and find it odd, but it works for us. If you know you don't want kids, then don't let anyone shame you.
This is exactly how I feel as a young adult with severe adhd who was raised by a mother with severe adhd. It was a big mess and I’m still leaning to just manage myself
I'm 36, have been single for several years, no kids, no intention of getting married.
I am perfectly happy with my life and so many people around me think I must be sad or lonely, but that's there own thing reflected on me. Don't let society tell you there is a single correct way of living... Do whatever makes you happy and you will be miles ahead of your peers.
You don’t need to. I’m 36 and not married and no kids. I am finally with a person I wouldn’t mind doing those things with but we don’t have to do them. I’ve always planned to have kids even if I had to use a sperm donor to have them and I will have to decide that sometime in the near future because age is not on my side. But not wanting any of that is perfectly fine.
You are also 16 and it’s not something you need to decide right now or even think about yet. You could change your mind later but it is just as likely you won’t change it. I have friends who did both. Most changed their mind but one is still holding strong at 37. It’s all a personal decision and either way you go is okay!
Oh same, but the problem for me(15F) is that I don't want to want to have kids (I wrote that right). I want to dedicate my life to one person, but at the same time, I want to nurture a child, an adult and love them to death. Obviously, the answer is to not have children if I'm so unsure. But I'm 15 so maybe I'll figure it out :/
I'm bringing this dilemma up with my therapist.
It's your life. You don't have to get married or have kids. That's up to you. I found a man I hope to marry. I won't let ADHD stop me. I am still concerned about having kids, but I feel that he is the right person to handle it with.
Young people are young, I'm young too, but I don't see why its so hard to respond and just give them some words of advice. Pressure from rude adults suck. Keep going, you got it
You don't have to get married, you can marry without kids.. it's YOUR life. Do what you think will suit you best. Go with the flow
I could have written this at 16 as well, but I’m 34 with a stable job, own my home, have a cat and dog, a fiancé and my own car.
ADHD tends to view the world in black and white and we tend to view time and now and not now. So right now you are only using the experience (or lack there of) what you have.
You still have a life time of perfecting your skills, learning about yourself, getting treatment, failing and succeeding to go. You still have to work at it but you will manage.
It took me a few goes but I started to figure out what I wanted and needed to thrive. I worked through my thoughts and emotions with therapy. I have started to trust myself more and be honest with how I feel. All this to say you will not always feel this way. You also have a choice if you want to be a parent or not, don’t feel forced to do something you don’t feel ready for until you are certain.
Things really do get better, as long as you allow them to, I promise.
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Good news. 1) you don’t have to have kids if you don’t want them. If people shade you about it then frick them. 2) you are still very young and have plenty of time to hone skills to help with the ADHD. Since you seemed to have learned about it in the younger side you can use that time to build skills. I didn’t get diagnosed until 28/29 so sometimes it feels like having to start life over. No matter what you choose in the future though you got this! And don’t let anyone make you feel bad about your choices. I have friends/coworkers who are single and childless (and are older than me) and love their lives. You do what you need to do for your mental health!!!
This is good advice, I only became aware of my ADHD in my 30s. Please prevent yourself from focusing on your negative traits and whining about your life, this is absolutely useless and actually makes your life much harder. There is no point in wasting your energy that way. Learn this lesson asap. You should be focusing on what you can do to improve your life. And actually trying to do it consistently, not expecting to correct things from one day to the other - follow the consistency route, 0.1% better everyday (with lots of bad day in between, its ok) is already a win. Recognize your effort, dont be too hard on yourself and be grateful
Firstly, congratulations on being open and honest about yourself and your limitations. To know yourself especially this early is a sign of strength. Don’t forget that. One of the hardest things for those of us with ADHD is following the thread of impulsive decisions and seeing the potential (terrible) outcomes. Secondly and most importantly, your life is going to look a lot different as you go through the years, become independent and start to work out coping mechanisms on your own. You don’t need to make all these decisions now. There’s plenty to enjoy - even with the difficulties of ADHD. Lots of us have lovely long term, wonderful, understanding relationships. You just need to patiently wait until it comes along - and isn’t just a hyper focus!
thankyou so much this really helped me :)
I don't want kids either. The way I look at it, there's already over 8 billion people on the planet, and humanity won't go extinct if I don't procreate. Also, the peace of mind, quiet, freedom, and disposable income that comes with not having kids is priceless.
I feel the exact same way. I'm perfectly content to be the kooky aunt to my sister's kids. She has enough for both of us 😅
FUNCLE here Lol 😂
I don't know about the quiet & disposable income. My three fur babies tend to rack up vet bills & demand plenty of attention 😆 My oldest (10yr, 45lb rescue mutt) costed me 2k back in October for a dental crown 👑 😑
Okay - I got good news for you my friend. Your not done yet. I am almost 40 (so like super old) and guess what I was you and I'm nothing like that any more. Yes, I still have adhd. Yes life is still way harder than it should be some days. Yes, that sucks. But also, I am so much better at life than I used to be. Legit - I'm a senior director at a rapidly growing insurance company. I own a home. Married with 3 dogs and way too many plants that are all still alive (thank you very much!). I've traveled to like 20 countries and I am learning Spanish despite what my mom and high school Spanish teachers said. If I was still the me I was at 16, I wouldn't be able to handle this life, but I grew into it. Like you will yours. It won't be like mine, but it will be perfect for you!! You don't need to decide on kids today (like please use protection!!) or marriage. You just need to figure out what you do want out of life and start heading in that general direction. Always keep pushing yourself to level up. I am capable of so much more than I used to give myself credit for. I think you are too. Think about it this way, school (basically how kids measure themselves) is a terrible environment for us adhd'ers. Too many distractions and just not designed for some folks. But that stage of life is coming to an end sooner or later. Maybe you will thrive in life once you get a job and a career that suits your brain type. I legit dated someone who was a professional scuba diver lol. Go find what works for you and pays the bills. Keep growing. Learn the hard lessons. The rest will work itself out.
Amen 🙌 I needed to hear this again, thanks for that! I'm glad you found your way 😊
Doesn’t matter if you have adhd, at any age with kids it feels like you are in hell already!
Lol, so true. It's even worse when you have ADHD, so does your husband and son. Our house is literal chaos and a never ending supply of Adderall.
Never ending supply sounds great XD of course not the need for it...
do you have kids? are they really that bad?
I have 2. One with adhd and Tourette's, and the other I suspect autism. I have adhd and pda/autism, and I'm also HoH and used to have depression (I got treated for it). I adore my kids and love everything about being a mom, even the bad days. Messes and chaos never bothered me.
i have depression too, how did you get treated for yours ?
Antidepressants. I got lucky that my 1st prescription killed 90% of all my depression symptoms. I'm only left with stress and extreme laziness. But that's because I view depression differently. To me, depression means you're suicidal, crying every day, and want to die because there is no hope for the future. My suicidal ideation, self harm, and wanting to cry day in and day out feelings all went away after a year on Antidepressants (sertraline). But the other parts of depression that I don't view as a big deal because they overlap with ADHD anyway, didn't go away. Stuff like hobbies aren't that fun anymore, days are kinda boring, I am lazy as sin, under a lot of stress, etc. I view these as easy fixes: just give me $5 million dollars and a vacation multiple times a year and I'm "cured" 😆.
That's similar to where I'm at with my depression too. I still have a lot of self hate but the suicidal thoughts went away. However, I have zero interest in doing anything other than watch TV and/or play video games these days. I have pretty bad chronic pain on top of the ADHD, anxiety, and depression, so I'm already stuck in bed most of the time as it is. I'm a crafter and I used to love doing all sorts of crafts. Now my craft room is basically the junk room. But yeah, gimme money to go to Colorado or Disney World and I'm sure I'll have an all new perspective, at least for a little while. 😂
Kids are awesome. Parenting is hell on earth.
Then don't! You'll be fine.
My dad has ADHD and he was the best father growing up. He may have not always been organized all the time or was always on top of remembering when I had field trips, but he made me feel safe and loved. I think it depends really.
You make me feel a lot better about being an ADHD mom. I feel like I let my kid down all the time but I also always make sure to show him tons of love and support so I hope that's enough for him, even when Mom forgets all the things.
Not wanting kids for whatever reason is totally valid. You don't have to get married either.
I feel you and i'm 18 and only realised this month that i had adhd and the stress of being an adult is killing me everyday
I feel the same way.
I don’t want to have kids, so I haven’t had any. The adhd I didn’t know I had until I was nearly 40 is, in hindsight, probably the reason I don’t have them. If you don’t want to be a parent then don’t. Just make sure you are careful and it’s not something you end up doing by accident.
I agree with most of what you wrote. But I got stuck on your last sentence where you say, "...I will always feel like a burden." I can't begin to describe how much I hate this for you! OP, you are a unique person with strengths and weaknesses like everyone else. Why do you feel like a burden? Is someone in your life telling you this? "When we see our uniqueness as a virtue, only then do we find peace." This is a quote from a movie, but it really holds meaning for me. You're NOT a burden! You're a wonderful person with a beautiful life ahead of you, if you can only see it. I'm not saying life will be easy, but I think you can find your way through it with purpose, humility and gentle humor. You're already starting with the knowledge of some of your limitations, so you have a lifetime to work out how to make your way through it all. I have faith in you, OP. Please don't give up on yourself!
my mom tells me this not directly obviously but she keeps telling me that i am annoying and full of mistakes(literally) ( she even once told me that she regrets giving birth to me before i knew i had adhd)
Oh damn, I'm so sorry! But don't let that make you think everybody will feel the same way about you. Sometimes we say things when we lash out in anger or frustration, and don't realize how hurtful it is. Your mom probably forgot she ever said that. If she says something similar again, maybe you can gently point out to her that what she said is hurtful. Hopefully that will help her to understand the power of her words and she will choose her words more carefully in the future.
I understand how you feel. My mom used to tell me I was a failure and such. I didn't know I had ADHD until I was in my early 30s. I had no desire to get married or have kids either until I found the right person. Now I have a badass 9 year old. Live your life how you want and screw everyone else who makes you feel like you can't make your own choices about kids and marriage.
Some parents don’t find being a parent easy and may say things that are harsh and untrue out of frustration. Just because she said it it doesn’t mean this is true about you. So many people call their kids annoying and a lot of them don’t have adhd. Don’t hold on to that though. It’s hard to see yourself as anything but the worst thing that was said to you but don’t let her comments drag you down. Know that you are lovely. Take this and many more sweet comments from other people in your life and even your mother when she says them and believe those.
...I'm so sorry. I know that feeling all too well from my youth. I had a parent that made a habit of calling me stupid and to this day it still messes with my head even though I have long since forgiven them.
Part of me wishes I was diagnosed earlier and had the guts to even consider this for myself. I’m a parent with ADHD, and it is tough. I do not recommend parenthood lightly to anyone, but to people with ADHD even less so.
thanks and really hope things workout for u ;)
So like others said. ADHD is a work in progress and for the people, like us, that try to make things work it can be awesome experience. I been with my wife for 7 years in total (almost 4 years married) and we do have our ups and downs. Does it look worse than most couples? Yeh, but at least she took the time to understand my disability for what it is. As for kids, we chose not to until I fixed some stuff about myself that I used ADHD as an excuse (bad habits and the works). It’s hard but it’s extremely worth it knowing I have someone next to me that shares that experience as we mold our imperfections.
I’m 41F - I have no kids, I knew from your age that I didn’t want them. I love my financial freedom and that my time is my own. I’m married, we have a farm with lots of animals we’ve rescued and lots of free time, I work from home and set my own hours which is hard because I’m definitely deadline motivated.
What animals? That sounds fun
🐑🐏🐐🐕🐩🐓🐓🐓🦃🐈⬛🐈⬛🐈🐈🪿🪿🪿🪿🦆🦆. *Number of emojis is not an accurate count. 😂
The fact that you are already thinking about how your behavior would affect a child or significant other likely means that you would be a good parent or partner. You don’t have to have kids. You don’t have to get married. You can change your mind at any time. If you think you might change your mind and would want biological kids, get your sperm or eggs frozen when you are young as humans are becoming less and less fertile as they age in general.
…ok, then don’t?
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I really would like to get married and have kids but it feels impossible. Pretty sure I'm gonna be alone forever due to this illness and other comorbidities. 27M. Really hits hard when you realise males are essentially disposable.
I am around the same age and just want to offer some encouragement. Lots of people are “late bloomers” as it is for various reasons but guys with ADHD, autism, both, and so on seem more likely to have somewhat unstable or unsatisfactory periods of their lives and to only be social butterflies (enough to get married at least) towards 30. No shame there.
Yup. Can confirm. I managed to "adult" without any meds. Until I became a dad that is...
Totally valid life choice, you may get pressure from family. Choose what is right for you. I can enjoy spending time with family and friends kids, but I'm aways exhausted and grateful I can give the kids back to their parents. Totally happy with my house full of birds.
You may be being biased in that you’re only noticing the ones that are a disaster. Both myself and my partner have ADD and we’re doing great. Circumstances change, life changes, your opinions change. Don’t be so easy to write these things off, especially if you want them later in life. You’re young, you have plenty of time to make these big decisions.
OMG whenever I bring this same logic up, my family hits me with the “you’ll change your mind when you get older” ??? Like I’m 23, you had a kid at 24 and lemme tell you, I’m not getting pregnant next year!! Like, is it really such a bad thing to avoid for your potential kid to have a 50% genetically passable and life altering “disorder” ??? TW: I think about suicide at least once every two weeks mostly due to my symptoms and you’re telling me “I’ll grow out of it”? Let alone MARRY someone who makes me feel lazy, unaccomplished and “crazy” just because they don’t understand my “quirky” (🙄) nature of adhd ??? Even my parents (one of them also has adhd) who love me unconditionally act like I’m giving them excuses when explaining my symptoms, you mean to tell me that some random person will? Might be a little pessimistic but it is what it is. I’m ALL for what you have said and it is ONE HUNDRED percent VALID. I feel you dude, it’s rough out here 😬
Exactly but then sometimes i would think what if i regret it later and end up lonlier than i actually am
my parents do the same exact thing although they are fully aware of my condition and it makes me so angry
Real. So annoying
Yeah, my genes are screwed.
I’m not sure if this is really relevent but I have adhd and have no interest in sharing a space with anyone, if I ever was to get married I would want separate bed rooms.
33 unmarried. No kids. Top tier 10/10 would recommend.
Unless you live in an area where the State is interfering in your reproductive rights, having kids is usually optional for females and fairly easy for males to avoid. Generally speaking, there is no requirement to have kids. There is certainly cultural pressure for some people, but it is okay to choose not to reproduce. Some of my favourite people have made this choice, and it’s totally valid. The same is true for marriage. And yes, it is definitely hard on our partners. But… try to remember that this is a disability, and that we are not the sum of our disabilities. If someone can’t love us in spite of our disability, then we probably shouldn’t be marrying them. Your choices are valid, but you probably shouldn’t run out and get any tubes cut just yet. You’re young, so you may change your mind. You have lots of time.
Nobody's going to make you get married or have kids, but also plenty of us do have spouses and kids and we're doing well. Just because you're struggling now doesn't mean you'll always struggle. You can learn how to manage your ADHD so it doesn't ruin your whole life.
I’m 28 and I was feeling the same way for a long time. You just need a partner who understands your adhd. Most don’t care to understand so that creates conflict
>You just need a partner who understands your adhd. The sad truth I realised recently is that my dating life screams "I don't want to belong to any club that would accept me as one of its members." I don't want anyone who would accept my pile of dirty dishes but I also don't want anyone who would put me down over it.
Think yourself lucky. Some of us didn't find out we had adhd until after we were married with kids. It's because of my kids I was diagnosed at all.
Are you getting help with your ADHD? Medication and therapy was a game changer for me. I am 28 now and I honestly thought I would not make it to 25. I was only diagnosed and medicated at 27. It felt like I was in a train watching my life pass me by. No direction and nothing to show for. I am still grieving for all the missed opportunities and how I was so hard on myself for not functioning like a “normal” person even though I try twice as hard. Having ADHD is fucking depressing and I felt like I was robbed of great opportunities because my ADHD wasn’t managed. Get help. Asap. It’s okay if you don’t want to have a partner or have children but get help nonetheless. College is gonna be a bitch without help/support.
It's your life, you can choose. I felt the same at your age. Never getting married - too hard. Never having kids - there's too many people and the world's fucked up. Now I'm married with two kids and honestly, cannot imagine functioning as an adult without my family. Having children of my own forced me to reconcile with my own issues, something my parents couldn't or wouldn't do. It's also resulted in my biggest fans, something that is a constant source of strength. Yeah, ADHD sucks - a lot. But we have each other, and we really have a lot of fun. I guess what I'm really saying is, don't sell yourself short. If you really met the right person and wanted a family, you could do it. You also don't have to, no matter what pressure family or society puts on you. You're young, and your life circumstances and perspective about many things will change. For now, the best thing is probably to stay open to possibilities and don't over think it.
I get your frustration. My partner is very understanding and I want kids but I feel like my ADHD would be a huge obstacle in raising them well.
I’m married with Kids and it’s the best thing i’ve done in life. Nothing worth doing in life is easy, but family is wonderfully fulfilling.
its ok! go after the help you need before thinking about any of these things, your life belongs to YOU and ONLY YOU!! have faith in yourself and get the help you need :)
I was the same. I married in my 30s, but I still don't want kids.
Hi. ADHDer here. Suffered the same fears as a child and teen myself. 29 now. Met my best friend and life partner 8 years ago and we're heading on a trip to see my best friend who moved across the country. We all have ADHD and struggle immensely, but because we know we all have issues, we're very understanding and we allow people to give their side of things before we get mad. It's beautiful. When you're an adult, you essentially get to choose who is in your life and how. Whoever made you miserable before no longer has to be in your life. Don't shame yourself for being who you are. Find systems that work for *you* not for others. And always follow what you need out of life. Knowing that you may not be a good parent shows you have self awareness and insight to how hard it is. That's really cool of you as a teen to be able to see. It shows you pay attention. We've agreed we prefer to be child free. We're just happier this way because we know we're imperfect at caring for ourselves, let alone children. We have 2 cats. That's all we need ❤️
I remember being 19-20 talking all kinds of shit to a friend of mine about people who'd ruin their lives by having kids our age. I was a dad less than a year later and I've had another two since. Best part? I'm happy.
Just had the talk it’s my gf today. I’m not having kids for that specific reason. The world is not designed for us, even if we set our minds to try, we are simply doomed to fail on the smallest scales even, things we are perfectly a capable of doing otherwise. Work, social relationships. What good is ambition if you can’t stick to it. She phas 2 kids already so we’re good. But for the first time, she had a glimpse of the mental turmoil and the kinds of life decision one gotta take. At first she didn’t get how I look so happy all that, whilst if she had looming decisions to take like that, she’d be a mess. I lied and said: I’m ok but no, knowing this about yourself brings a lot of discomfort. Sorry, rambling. Point is: no children for me.
I never, ever wanted kids or to be married, then I met my wife, and I found someone who could handle me. Got one out of three kids I passed adhd to, it’s horrible reliving my horrible youth through my kids. But if you find the person to help you, complete you your mind may change
Then don’t
congratulations on knowing what you want and being vocal of it!! its totally fair!! ive known i didnt want kids since i was 15 and i dont believe in marriage since my early 20’s
Good for you to recognize this before having the wife and kids
I understand your anxiety OP. Just remember this is your life. Do what brings you joy and fulfillment.
I’m in my 40’s and have never wanted to be in a romantic relationship or have kids! I’m quite happy on my own, I don’t feel like my life has missed anything. Although other people seem to have issues with it!
First this is in no way a *you should have get married and kids* comment. I also had no desire to have kids. We got pregnant by surprise but for me a very 🤪 ADHDer somehow managed to pull it together without even trying to. So it’s not crazy for everyone. Raising my daughter has been amazing, she is amazing and turns out she also has ADHD but our life together has been pretty great even after I became a single parent due to reasons that had nothing with ADHD or me. It’s ok that you don’t want kids. Even without ADHD it is hard work but if you ever decide to in the future know that it is manageable and awesome too just like with any parent. Honestly it just depends on the person. Adhd is hard for you now but it doesn’t mean that it will always feel like the world is burning down around you. You will struggle but that doesn’t mean that your life won’t be good. You are going to manage it by finding ways to do what you have to do just in a different way than those without ADHD. Don’t worry about marriage and having kids, just take care of you and finding your zigzag path in life.
You're only 16, don't even worry about marriage or children yet! If in 20 years you still don't want children and still don't want to get married then that's absolutely fine!! You don't have to!! But also please don't base relationships or life from the people around you, they aren't normal and it's unfortunate you've had such a clouded view at such a young age. Life in general has it's ups and downs regardless of what you choose in life, things change, people change, finances change etc and that all has it's impact. Millions of people with ADHD and autism adore having children and have very happy marriages too. Are you on medication for your ADHD? Also, you're at peak puberty age, ADHD is a billion times harder very suddenly when you become a teenager! Hormones are raging and you need to be kind to yourself. Also check your birth control as some can hugely help and others can hugely affect your mood, especially when you have ADHD.
28f, AuDHD here. My boyfriend of 7 yrs (not married) and I are both child free. I'm also sex-repulsed ace. Other people might look at our relationship and find it odd, but it works for us. If you know you don't want kids, then don't let anyone shame you.
This is exactly how I feel as a young adult with severe adhd who was raised by a mother with severe adhd. It was a big mess and I’m still leaning to just manage myself
I'm 36, have been single for several years, no kids, no intention of getting married. I am perfectly happy with my life and so many people around me think I must be sad or lonely, but that's there own thing reflected on me. Don't let society tell you there is a single correct way of living... Do whatever makes you happy and you will be miles ahead of your peers.
You don’t need to. I’m 36 and not married and no kids. I am finally with a person I wouldn’t mind doing those things with but we don’t have to do them. I’ve always planned to have kids even if I had to use a sperm donor to have them and I will have to decide that sometime in the near future because age is not on my side. But not wanting any of that is perfectly fine. You are also 16 and it’s not something you need to decide right now or even think about yet. You could change your mind later but it is just as likely you won’t change it. I have friends who did both. Most changed their mind but one is still holding strong at 37. It’s all a personal decision and either way you go is okay!
Oh same, but the problem for me(15F) is that I don't want to want to have kids (I wrote that right). I want to dedicate my life to one person, but at the same time, I want to nurture a child, an adult and love them to death. Obviously, the answer is to not have children if I'm so unsure. But I'm 15 so maybe I'll figure it out :/ I'm bringing this dilemma up with my therapist.
please update me
I will add this to my calendar right now edit: oh wait
RemindMe! -1 month
It's your life. You don't have to get married or have kids. That's up to you. I found a man I hope to marry. I won't let ADHD stop me. I am still concerned about having kids, but I feel that he is the right person to handle it with.
A lot of people are just going to be rude, sarcastic, or say your still young, but I understand. Just take your time and do what YOU think is right
THANKYOU FINALLY SOMEONE WHO TAKES ME SERIOUSLY
Young people are young, I'm young too, but I don't see why its so hard to respond and just give them some words of advice. Pressure from rude adults suck. Keep going, you got it You don't have to get married, you can marry without kids.. it's YOUR life. Do what you think will suit you best. Go with the flow
I could have written this at 16 as well, but I’m 34 with a stable job, own my home, have a cat and dog, a fiancé and my own car. ADHD tends to view the world in black and white and we tend to view time and now and not now. So right now you are only using the experience (or lack there of) what you have. You still have a life time of perfecting your skills, learning about yourself, getting treatment, failing and succeeding to go. You still have to work at it but you will manage. It took me a few goes but I started to figure out what I wanted and needed to thrive. I worked through my thoughts and emotions with therapy. I have started to trust myself more and be honest with how I feel. All this to say you will not always feel this way. You also have a choice if you want to be a parent or not, don’t feel forced to do something you don’t feel ready for until you are certain. Things really do get better, as long as you allow them to, I promise.
i dont know why the post got removed
So don't.
Eh let potential partners make that decision, you may be surprised