Three people. He killed two in the shooting (his wife killed the other one). But he killed a man out of state a couple years before him and I started dating
Did you know about the first guy he killed before or while you were dating? Not judging, just curious. I've also dated a fuckin psychopath who did all that same shit to me, including the love bombing, trying to turn me against my family, the choking, plus holding a loaded gun to my head. I think the only reason he didn't fully trap me is that he moved too fast. We were only together 2 months but if he had done that shit incrementally over 2 years I may have been fully gone. I was only 22 and he was 37 but apparently wasn't too skilled a manipulator.
It’s wild how these monsters always prey on girls (sorry if that’s offensive but 22 is a BABY!). I had no idea that he k!lled a man until the third year (last year) we were together. He admitted it to me during a breakdown.
I’m happy you’re alive ❤️ you’re strong af. Psychopathic abuse is a whole other level of hell. I wish there were more support groups / resources for this form of abuse. It’s so isolating sometimes. Just know that I know exactly what you went through and the fear you felt—YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!
Thank you. I'm glad you escaped and are safe. I know our situations aren't the same, we're 2 different people and you were in your shit relationship far longer than me. But honestly, as painful and traumatic and scary and hurtful as it was, I don't regret it. I'm way less naive now. I can spot bullshit 100 miles away (usually) and have an acute spidey-sense for when someone is trying to manipulate a person or situation. I definitely came out of it a stronger person and I'm sure you're strong af too.
It also gave me insight into how people can be in cults or be political extremists. I think it's the same process, like a frog in boiling water. Everything starts out fine, then the heat slowly gets turned up, then you're in Jonestown lol. It's made me so much less judgmental of people who wind up in those situations.
Thank you for your kind response and yes, we are not along.
Yep tbh it made me kind of empathize with the Manson family, as crazy as that probably sounds. They were all brainwashed and vulnerable. Not saying what they did was okay, it was downright awful and disgusting, but I can see how / why they ended up doing that when their influence was a psychopath.
My ex did this with his wife (who was a year younger than me). I didn’t know her but according to people who did, she used to be a really sweet girl and not violent AT ALL. It’s just he got in her head really badly. My heart still breaks for her and her family. I know she’s resting in peace though ❤️
There’s no comparison when it comes to this form of abuse. What you went through was downright terrible and you’re lucky to be alive. Not many victims of psychopathic abuse come out alive (which is most likely why there isn’t many resources—aside from the fact that this form of abuse is so extreme, it can be difficult to open up about because people who haven’t gone through it tend to not believe the survivor).
I’m glad you got away from that monster ❤️
Lol he wasn’t very attractive at all. I never cared too much for looks. What really captivated me was how different he was. He was REALLY eccentric and creative
I was waaay too trusting + I was hanging with the wrong crowd (drugs & alcohol). That was definitely part of, if not the main, issue as to why I fell for a guy like that
I DEFINITELY DID! Life-altering as well, but I try to make the best of it, and instead of feeling sorry for myself, I’ve made it my mission to spread awareness 💯
I didn’t realize it until after I escaped him. He slowly brainwashed me to be against my family and friends. Was charming, love bombed me. He acted like he really cared about me. Then it was like a complete switch went off once I got us an apartment. That’s when he became extremely violent and admitted many things to me
**Amber Heard. You can choose to believe me or not, it’s fine. I’ve dealt with that doubt for four years until my ex ended up on the news (and passed away) for an incredibly violent crime. To each their own 🤷🏻♀️
I mean like, did he really “brainwash” you,
Or did you just ignore red flags and make your own poor choices?
Either way, live and learn. Hindsight is always 20/20
Glad your ok
Yes, he brainwashed me. It’s a long story that I could explain in more detail but it would take too much time. But it was easy for him to do. Like I said, I was 16 years old and he was 24 when we first got together.
I listened to this TEDTalk from a famous neuroscientist who found herself in an abusive relationship and some thing she said that really stuck with me, perhaps because I was moving home after my own unfortunate situation, but she said that the thing people don't realize about domestic violence is that it always begins like a fairytale. The only way it gets dark is if it starts that bright.
I now take people rushing in with the word love as a major red flag unfortunately
What is interesting is not only that you chose him but additionally now you are blasting your disastrous relationship over the internet.
Somehow that seems pathologic to me.
First thing (and should be obvious): if a man in his 20’s is trying to pursue a teenager, RUN.
Second: love bombing and INTENSE connection. I mean INTENSE, to the point where you feel like you’re nothing without them.
Third: really watch how they interact with others. You can tell if they’re trying to pull out information.
Aside from that, there’s really no way of telling. These kind of people are incredibly manipulative and deceptive. But if they ever talk down about the people in your life or make you question things you used to be 100% sure of, walk away
Thank you ❤️ it wasn’t easy. I just hope sharing my experiences can help other survivors feel less alone, you know? And possibly warn others about these kind of people.
I’m sorry you had to read that reply. A skilled manipulator can break a perfectly emotionally healthy and confident person down to a husk of their former self. And yes, it is also true that people with low self-esteem and codependency issues are *particularly* vulnerable to abuse — but what value emerges from blaming and holding oneself “accountable”? What’s there to be held accountable for — complicity in one’s own abuse?
Low self-esteem and codependency issues (not saying that you have them, OP, I’m just addressing this point for anyone else who might be reading) don’t emerge in a vacuum. It almost always starts from factors that people lack control over — abusive and neglectful family members who haven’t modelled healthy emotional regulation and attachment patterns usually being the main cause.
*Of course* survivors of abuse would be much benefited by working on themselves, and they would have much more power to protect themselves from abusers and predators. But unless you are privileged and have time to shop around, it is not easy at all to find a *good* therapist. For most, self-help books alone are not going to undo years of emotional damage and distorted thinking — that’s why so many people get trapped in cycles of abuse.
It’s a systemic problem and there’s absolutely no need to blame individuals for their own choices, which is just cruel, when we would be much better-off acknowledging that trauma is widespread and self-perpetrating, and that we desperately need affordable and widely accessible mental health care.
I couldn’t have written a better response. THANK YOU. It is true, though, that I was very vulnerable when I got with him. I was 16 years old and struggling with eating d!sorders, among other things. Plus my parents didn’t seem all that bothered that I was with a 24 year old man. I had very low self esteem, which is what psychopaths search for. It’s a very, VERY complicated situation to be in. I have yet to find a therapist I can trust to talk about it in depth, but I’ve come a long way and no longer blame myself for what happened. I still, however, struggle with survivor’s guilt.
I understand. ❤️
Having been through a less extreme version myself, I think that what the “accountability” people miss out on is that guilt and self-blame, as well as survivor’s guilt, are *enormous* obstacles to true healing and self-affirming.
Of course, as humans, we all have agency in our personal choices. But being able to identify your causal contributions to being stuck in an abusive dynamic is NOT the same thing as blaming yourself.
What I have found most conducive to my healing is identifying the red flags I ignored and the occasions I should have hightailed it out of there yet didn’t, and putting in the work, from a neutral stance, to understand why I had those blind spots. Being mired in self-blame or feeling like I had let myself down would have been totally unnecessary and detrimental to the process.
I am not sure if you will find this thought comforting or helpful, but I bonded closely with another victim of my abuser and we ultimately reached the conclusion that, much of the time, we were trying our best to be good partners to him. We exercised very high levels of patience, tolerance, forgiveness, and trying to make sense of/understand how we might be at fault for what was basically straight-up evil and despicable behaviour. These are not bad personality traits to have at all. Other partners of ours have benefited from them, and appreciate them greatly. They were just misapplied to someone whom we were not equipped to deal with, but we have since learned from our experience.
Most importantly of all: we were adults when this happened. You were only 16. A treasured friend of mine was groomed since age 15 by someone in his 30s, and while it’s been a difficult process for her too, especially struggling with intense shame and guilt when her parents are the ones who should have protected their child (they blame her for it…), she is now in her early 20s, thriving, and has stronger boundaries and predator detectors than ever.
I wish you nothing but the best in your continued journey toward self-healing and search for a good therapist who is genuinely insightful and doesn’t just spit out platitudes.
As a therapist myself I second this advice. Good wisdom and thank you for sharing this. Psychopaths can be highly deceptive but once you recognize their patterns of behavior it becomes almost shocking as you watch the house of cards come crashing down. You realize just how fucked up 90% of your garments with them were.
I knew a guy who was a therapist. He uses to say people can hide those true colors for about two years, give or take, if they want to. I've always remembered that and never jump into life changing situations before those two years or so.
Glad you made it out okay.
Yes. He was always talking down about my parents. It was really subtle at first, but it got more intense during the second year. This is silly but he also was obsessed with the movies “Fight Club”, “Natural Born Killers”, and “The Dark Knight”. When he got me to watch Natural Born Killers, he told me “I could totally see you and I doing this” (referring to the whole Mickey and Mallory scenario). I thought he was joking, obviously. Also, he made sure to talk trash about his ex girlfriend before she could talk to me and warn me about him.
I didn’t trust myself for years, and I didn’t trust anyone around me. I still have trust issues but I’ve come a long way. Now I’m way more observant when I’m around other people, to see what their intentions really are.
Yes, I wrote [my memoir](https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B0CST6MGP1/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?ie=UTF8&qid=1706347032&sr=8-1) based on my experiences with him (mainly the last few months)
seems like a fascinating story, I googled the guys name and had never heard of that particular shooting before. its great that you want to help people from your own struggle with this.
I’m doing better. It’s been 14 years since I escaped him, which seems like a long time, but because of PTSD it still sometimes feel like it just happened. I was a mess for years after the fact, and was even more of a mess after he ended up on the news. But I’ve slowly “recovered” and am somewhat back to how I was before he destroyed me…if that makes sense. I’m in a healthy relationship now and also finally have developed a good relationship with my parents. Still very paranoid about people and am a hermit, but I think that’s “normal” behavior after loving someone like that
There were definitely signs, but I was very young and dumb (as well as sheltered—I grew up out in the country and my parents didn’t teach me much about the real world + was emotionally negligent).
He was very eccentric. He talked about conspiracy theory a lot and was obsessive about certain films / songs. What should’ve been the main red flag for me was how he spoke about my family and friends, but it was a really slow process of him convincing me that they didn’t care about me / weren’t there for me. But I was very young and naive, so I didn’t see it as a red flag. I took it as him “looking out” for me.
I’m relieved to hear that you are self aware ❤️ I agree—not everyone with this certain issue is completely “evil”, and not all of them end up being killers. My abuser was the type of psychopath that ended up being a criminal. Drugs, assault, and (of course) murder. He wasn’t a very intelligent psychopath, which is why he always went for young girls.
He wasn’t cruel to me the first two years of our relationship. He was actually really sweet. He helped me study and also taught me how to drive. He was my emotional support, because my parents were neglectful in that area.
I’m definitely the type that wants to “fix” / help people. I wanted to help him, I could tell he was struggling but that he “wanted to change” (ended up he didn’t want to change at all, but he put on a great show). I wouldn’t say I’m intelligent, but I’m talented. I’m an artist and writer. I used to be into music and wrote music (played guitar and was a vocalist).
I think that’s what captivated him. I was young, relatively attractive, talented, and had emotional baggage (struggled with eating disorders along with other mental health issues that I still struggle with today).
I gathered from the cop-killing and Waffle House suicide that he wasn't very *bright*, ahem.
He has a dumb face, too ... mouthbreathing trailer-trash. Fuck him. Kys **FIRST**, not other people.
But yeah: You were an easy target for someone who can't get a rational woman his own age.
How'd y'all break up?
Yeah he wasn’t smart at all lmao he didn’t even graduate high school. He dropped out to do god knows what (he told me a little bit during our last year together and it was…disturbing…to say the least).
He strangled me until I passed out and fled our apartment. When I came to and he was gone, I took advantage of that and finally grew the courage to call an acquaintance I met through my job at the time to pick me up and let me stay at his place.
Yeah, I’m still very confused on whether or not he liked me / loved me. I know that he became obsessed with me. He pretty much stalked me after I left him and made friends with my new “friends”. He made sure to convince them that I was the crazy one so no one would believe me. I was pissed off when they believed me after he ended up on the news, to put it mildly…
My high school friends liked him. They thought he was weird, but they liked him. My high school best friend at the time even told me (after I tried to break up with him—long story as to why and difficult to type out…have it written in my memoir though) to stay with him. He showed up at her house and was bawling his eyes out about me, I guess.
My parents didn’t like him much at all, but still allowed him to come over all of the time…I have my own assumptions as to why. My aunt was irate about it. She didn’t like him one bit and was very angry with my parents that they didn’t try to get him arrested for statutory r*pe. In my parents defense, they wouldn’t have gotten anywhere if they tried because the legal age of consent in our state is 16 years old.
WOW I rambled a lot. Sorry about that 😬
After him, I didn’t go for the overly eccentric ones. I did, however, become a terrible person (and I do blame myself for the trauma I put myself through afterwards). Honestly, I know this will sound conceited, but I was the most attractive girl he had ever been with. So I think that’s part of why he couldn’t let me go. Not exaggerating, he still had an obsession with me even after marrying Amanda. He saw me with my now current spouse and wouldn’t stop blowing up my SO’s phone to try to “warn” him about me.
Thank you btw for talking to me about this. You’re actually helping me further understand this entire situation. As pathetic as this sounds, I’m still not healed from this and I left him 14 years ago. I have yet to find a therapist that I can trust / who could actually help. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve come a loooong way, but PTSD is a bitch
You know it's interesting that you say that because I've dated a couple people that definitely have APD only realizing it now in retrospective course. But I used to think it's because I was particularly vulnerable, but I realize it's because I was equally intelligent but I was an empath, something they were missing and knew they needed.
I don't necessarily think they were bad people but I think that emotionally we were structured so so different that it was always going to cometo a head
I'm an empath but I'm absolutely not a pushover I will get in your face and fight I just feel bad about what I say after and will try and avoid confrontation if possible.
At the end of the day the hardest part was knowing when to cut and run and I think that you pick up on that precisely. As an empath, i felt that relationships must be for better or worse but you have to save yourself first and that's some thing I could learn
I genuinely think psychopath isn't the right word I think sociopath is the word that should be used. a sociopath is capable of masking even if they don't feel the same way everyone else does.
I think i was attracted to people with APD on the sociopathic spectrum because they don't genuinely feel the same way other people do . I wasn't diagnosed autistic until the age of 40 I think that's why I so much in common with them
But at the end of the day we really differed in empathy and that was a dealbreaker
I was diagnosed a few years ago with ASPD.
I put it off until recently, trying to fix myself. I have become self- aware that I am psychopath. Good job for getting out.
My question is to you is. Did you develop any type of personality or mental disorder because of your ex?
I’m proud of you for having the strength and courage to reach out and get help! Psychopathy / sociopathy is a terrible illness / disease. Believe it or not, I have nothing against people who have ASPD. Not all of you guys end up the way my ex did.
Yes, I believe so. I definitely have PTSD because of what he did (and what I did to myself after the fact). I also was diagnosed with a psychotic disorder two years after I left him. I always had signs of it (which is another factor as to why I fell for him…I’m kinda nuts, too lol) but it got really bad once his abuse became impossible to ignore.
I have met very few people who can look past the illness. My wife is one of those people. The reasoning for my question.
That is very interesting. Thank you for answering.
I think we all have some type of mental illness now a days.
Tbh I was in and out of relationships like crazy after I left my abuser. It was some strange way of coping (among other very unhealthy things I had done). But my now spouse and I did meet each other while I was still with my abuser. He actually knew the guy so…it was weird…. I was really paranoid when he reached out to me because I thought he was a “scout” for my abuser (…he never left me tf alone). We talked for four months before I even met up with him, and even then, I had a friend around to make sure. Eventually I gained trust and yep here we are still together 11 years later 🤷🏻♀️😆
Everyone needs to forge their own path, and your path was your own, by the way your portrait is really good. How long have you been doing art and what's your favorite medium?
Thank you! I’ve been drawing forever but I got serious with art once I hit 16, so a good 17 years or so. I love drawing freehand with cheap bic pens the most lol but I’ve been messing around with acrylics lately and am beginning to love it 🥰
I love acrylics, a great transitional medium, too. Once you feel confident in that, idk why, but other styles/medium you thought were not gonna come naturally start eeping their way in slowly. Cartoons, media, abstractism, and realism have always inspired my paintings. What has inspired your artwork over the years? Also, sorry for the follow-ups. I kinda got a little excited when you said acrylics.
What’s funny is that I was terrified of acrylics until I got a 30 x 40 inch canvas lol then I realized the best way (for me) to execute the medium correctly is by how I do it with oil pastels: LAYERS. Lots and lots of LAYERS. My fav genre is surrealism 💯 and usually I do very…bizarre pieces lol but I’m currently prepping for an art show and I need to have at least 7 “normal” pieces to put in it. This acrylic painting I almost have finished is my last “normal” piece. I’m excited to go back to doing my strange surrealism work 😂😂😂
Mental illness inspires my art. A lot of my pieces are heavily centered around paranoia. Though they could mean anything to anyone looking at them 🤷🏻♀️
That’s really cool btw that you’re an artist, too!
I LOVE that, honestly, I haven't seen much surrealism since I dated my ex. She always adored the female figure, and seeing it in the surrealism style was always so unique. Do you recommend any surrealism artists? Thinking about doing a deep dive for nostalgic purposes.
Idk I have a thing for bizarre and thought-provoking artworks. A piece that makes you question what the artist’s intentions were for their message, but then coming up with your own conclusions of what the piece is about. Some people say it’s “ugly”, but hey, the human mind can be an ugly and chaotic place 🤷🏻♀️
How many people did he kill?
Three people. He killed two in the shooting (his wife killed the other one). But he killed a man out of state a couple years before him and I started dating
Interesting
Did you know about the first guy he killed before or while you were dating? Not judging, just curious. I've also dated a fuckin psychopath who did all that same shit to me, including the love bombing, trying to turn me against my family, the choking, plus holding a loaded gun to my head. I think the only reason he didn't fully trap me is that he moved too fast. We were only together 2 months but if he had done that shit incrementally over 2 years I may have been fully gone. I was only 22 and he was 37 but apparently wasn't too skilled a manipulator.
It’s wild how these monsters always prey on girls (sorry if that’s offensive but 22 is a BABY!). I had no idea that he k!lled a man until the third year (last year) we were together. He admitted it to me during a breakdown. I’m happy you’re alive ❤️ you’re strong af. Psychopathic abuse is a whole other level of hell. I wish there were more support groups / resources for this form of abuse. It’s so isolating sometimes. Just know that I know exactly what you went through and the fear you felt—YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!
Thank you. I'm glad you escaped and are safe. I know our situations aren't the same, we're 2 different people and you were in your shit relationship far longer than me. But honestly, as painful and traumatic and scary and hurtful as it was, I don't regret it. I'm way less naive now. I can spot bullshit 100 miles away (usually) and have an acute spidey-sense for when someone is trying to manipulate a person or situation. I definitely came out of it a stronger person and I'm sure you're strong af too. It also gave me insight into how people can be in cults or be political extremists. I think it's the same process, like a frog in boiling water. Everything starts out fine, then the heat slowly gets turned up, then you're in Jonestown lol. It's made me so much less judgmental of people who wind up in those situations. Thank you for your kind response and yes, we are not along.
Yep tbh it made me kind of empathize with the Manson family, as crazy as that probably sounds. They were all brainwashed and vulnerable. Not saying what they did was okay, it was downright awful and disgusting, but I can see how / why they ended up doing that when their influence was a psychopath. My ex did this with his wife (who was a year younger than me). I didn’t know her but according to people who did, she used to be a really sweet girl and not violent AT ALL. It’s just he got in her head really badly. My heart still breaks for her and her family. I know she’s resting in peace though ❤️ There’s no comparison when it comes to this form of abuse. What you went through was downright terrible and you’re lucky to be alive. Not many victims of psychopathic abuse come out alive (which is most likely why there isn’t many resources—aside from the fact that this form of abuse is so extreme, it can be difficult to open up about because people who haven’t gone through it tend to not believe the survivor). I’m glad you got away from that monster ❤️
Did he have a wonderful personality that made you attracted to him?
He was…interesting. I was a dumb 16 year old at the time, he was 24. So it was easy for him to lie and manipulate me.
or maybe he was just tall and physically attractive?
Lol he wasn’t very attractive at all. I never cared too much for looks. What really captivated me was how different he was. He was REALLY eccentric and creative
how tall was he?
6’2” lol
it's amazing what people will tell you by the questions they ask
Yep. In my mind, this person told me they were a teenager lol
Found the incel that assumes all women are so shallow that we only care about looks. Get a life.
Lol I’m pretty sure they’re a kid, so it’s whatever 🤷🏻♀️🤣
You were not dumb. You were 16. He knew you would be easy to manipulate because you were/are nice. Am I right?
Yep. I was nice and also very vulnerable at the time
I have made similar mistakes at much older age than 16. I say “I was trusting”. I think your AMA is very interesting. Thanks
I was waaay too trusting + I was hanging with the wrong crowd (drugs & alcohol). That was definitely part of, if not the main, issue as to why I fell for a guy like that
Whenever I make an embarrassing mistake, I realize how much I learned. You learned a lot.
I DEFINITELY DID! Life-altering as well, but I try to make the best of it, and instead of feeling sorry for myself, I’ve made it my mission to spread awareness 💯
Oh wow, you're the person from the other sub! Good luck with your AMA :)
Thank you haha
What made you think he was a psychopath while you were dating? What signs did you see? What did you overlook?
I didn’t realize it until after I escaped him. He slowly brainwashed me to be against my family and friends. Was charming, love bombed me. He acted like he really cared about me. Then it was like a complete switch went off once I got us an apartment. That’s when he became extremely violent and admitted many things to me
I’m sorry to hear that and super glad you got free. What was the final straw our awakening moment for you?
He strangled me until I passed out, then fled the apartment. I was able to call a coworker and get me out before he came back.
Thanks goodness and thank you for sharing. We all appreciate it.
amber hard?
**Amber Heard. You can choose to believe me or not, it’s fine. I’ve dealt with that doubt for four years until my ex ended up on the news (and passed away) for an incredibly violent crime. To each their own 🤷🏻♀️
Wow thats horrible. So glad you came out ok. Hope you are healing well ❤️
I’m doing a lot better (it’s been 14 years since I left him). Still have a lot of healing to do, but I’ve come a looooong way ❤️
I mean like, did he really “brainwash” you, Or did you just ignore red flags and make your own poor choices? Either way, live and learn. Hindsight is always 20/20 Glad your ok
Yes, he brainwashed me. It’s a long story that I could explain in more detail but it would take too much time. But it was easy for him to do. Like I said, I was 16 years old and he was 24 when we first got together.
That’s fucked up I didn’t realize he was a goof I’m sorry. Also where the fuck were your parents allowing you to see this man
It’s all good 💯 and I’m not sure but my parents apologized after he ended up on the news
victim blamers are worse than child molesters. CMV
I wouldn’t say that. I think these kind of people simply have never been through something like this, so they tend to come off as ignorant.
Are you high? There's nothing worse than chomos. Kids are easily indoctrinated
Amen 🙏🏻 (sorry for late response, I didn’t see this comment until now lol)
I listened to this TEDTalk from a famous neuroscientist who found herself in an abusive relationship and some thing she said that really stuck with me, perhaps because I was moving home after my own unfortunate situation, but she said that the thing people don't realize about domestic violence is that it always begins like a fairytale. The only way it gets dark is if it starts that bright. I now take people rushing in with the word love as a major red flag unfortunately
It definitely is 💯
What is interesting is not only that you chose him but additionally now you are blasting your disastrous relationship over the internet. Somehow that seems pathologic to me.
That’s an interesting question lol
What advice do you have to help people avoid your situation and spot the red flags early,
First thing (and should be obvious): if a man in his 20’s is trying to pursue a teenager, RUN. Second: love bombing and INTENSE connection. I mean INTENSE, to the point where you feel like you’re nothing without them. Third: really watch how they interact with others. You can tell if they’re trying to pull out information. Aside from that, there’s really no way of telling. These kind of people are incredibly manipulative and deceptive. But if they ever talk down about the people in your life or make you question things you used to be 100% sure of, walk away
I’m glad you got out of that situation.
Thank you ❤️ it wasn’t easy. I just hope sharing my experiences can help other survivors feel less alone, you know? And possibly warn others about these kind of people.
This is great advice, thanks! I’m saving this. (I’m a 25f whose about to start dating again)
I’m so glad this is helpful for you ❤️ stay safe
[удалено]
You have no idea what you’re talking about. I’m glad you’ve never dealt with this kind of abuse ❤️ I’m done responding to you now
I’m sorry you had to read that reply. A skilled manipulator can break a perfectly emotionally healthy and confident person down to a husk of their former self. And yes, it is also true that people with low self-esteem and codependency issues are *particularly* vulnerable to abuse — but what value emerges from blaming and holding oneself “accountable”? What’s there to be held accountable for — complicity in one’s own abuse? Low self-esteem and codependency issues (not saying that you have them, OP, I’m just addressing this point for anyone else who might be reading) don’t emerge in a vacuum. It almost always starts from factors that people lack control over — abusive and neglectful family members who haven’t modelled healthy emotional regulation and attachment patterns usually being the main cause. *Of course* survivors of abuse would be much benefited by working on themselves, and they would have much more power to protect themselves from abusers and predators. But unless you are privileged and have time to shop around, it is not easy at all to find a *good* therapist. For most, self-help books alone are not going to undo years of emotional damage and distorted thinking — that’s why so many people get trapped in cycles of abuse. It’s a systemic problem and there’s absolutely no need to blame individuals for their own choices, which is just cruel, when we would be much better-off acknowledging that trauma is widespread and self-perpetrating, and that we desperately need affordable and widely accessible mental health care.
I couldn’t have written a better response. THANK YOU. It is true, though, that I was very vulnerable when I got with him. I was 16 years old and struggling with eating d!sorders, among other things. Plus my parents didn’t seem all that bothered that I was with a 24 year old man. I had very low self esteem, which is what psychopaths search for. It’s a very, VERY complicated situation to be in. I have yet to find a therapist I can trust to talk about it in depth, but I’ve come a long way and no longer blame myself for what happened. I still, however, struggle with survivor’s guilt.
I understand. ❤️ Having been through a less extreme version myself, I think that what the “accountability” people miss out on is that guilt and self-blame, as well as survivor’s guilt, are *enormous* obstacles to true healing and self-affirming. Of course, as humans, we all have agency in our personal choices. But being able to identify your causal contributions to being stuck in an abusive dynamic is NOT the same thing as blaming yourself. What I have found most conducive to my healing is identifying the red flags I ignored and the occasions I should have hightailed it out of there yet didn’t, and putting in the work, from a neutral stance, to understand why I had those blind spots. Being mired in self-blame or feeling like I had let myself down would have been totally unnecessary and detrimental to the process. I am not sure if you will find this thought comforting or helpful, but I bonded closely with another victim of my abuser and we ultimately reached the conclusion that, much of the time, we were trying our best to be good partners to him. We exercised very high levels of patience, tolerance, forgiveness, and trying to make sense of/understand how we might be at fault for what was basically straight-up evil and despicable behaviour. These are not bad personality traits to have at all. Other partners of ours have benefited from them, and appreciate them greatly. They were just misapplied to someone whom we were not equipped to deal with, but we have since learned from our experience. Most importantly of all: we were adults when this happened. You were only 16. A treasured friend of mine was groomed since age 15 by someone in his 30s, and while it’s been a difficult process for her too, especially struggling with intense shame and guilt when her parents are the ones who should have protected their child (they blame her for it…), she is now in her early 20s, thriving, and has stronger boundaries and predator detectors than ever. I wish you nothing but the best in your continued journey toward self-healing and search for a good therapist who is genuinely insightful and doesn’t just spit out platitudes.
How’s the air up on your high horse?
As a therapist myself I second this advice. Good wisdom and thank you for sharing this. Psychopaths can be highly deceptive but once you recognize their patterns of behavior it becomes almost shocking as you watch the house of cards come crashing down. You realize just how fucked up 90% of your garments with them were.
I knew a guy who was a therapist. He uses to say people can hide those true colors for about two years, give or take, if they want to. I've always remembered that and never jump into life changing situations before those two years or so. Glad you made it out okay.
Yes, that seems to be the cutting point. There’s only so much one can do to hide before they really decide to show themselves 💯
Were there any subtle signs during the first two years that u didnt notice at the time, but now knowing how he is, they seem obvious in retrospect?
Yes. He was always talking down about my parents. It was really subtle at first, but it got more intense during the second year. This is silly but he also was obsessed with the movies “Fight Club”, “Natural Born Killers”, and “The Dark Knight”. When he got me to watch Natural Born Killers, he told me “I could totally see you and I doing this” (referring to the whole Mickey and Mallory scenario). I thought he was joking, obviously. Also, he made sure to talk trash about his ex girlfriend before she could talk to me and warn me about him.
I got the same advice from a great therapist! Changed a lot for me
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Not what I said. I have an amazing partner I trust completely. We have been together over 2 years. Appreciate you though.
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why do you hate the word partner?
Are you mad because you don't have one?
Are you the psycho people shouldn't trust or why are you so mad?
My ex SIL made it 5 years. The day of her wedding she completely changed and legit sabotaged me all day
Do you trust your own judgement that? After something like that I'd have to rethink every decision I make.
I didn’t trust myself for years, and I didn’t trust anyone around me. I still have trust issues but I’ve come a long way. Now I’m way more observant when I’m around other people, to see what their intentions really are.
Are you in a relationship now?
Yes. We’ve been together for 11 years ❤️
Happy for you 😊
Thank you 🙏🏻 I’m lucky ☺️ ❤️
Yay. So happy to know this.
so where can I find your book about this?!
Yes, I wrote [my memoir](https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B0CST6MGP1/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?ie=UTF8&qid=1706347032&sr=8-1) based on my experiences with him (mainly the last few months)
seems like a fascinating story, I googled the guys name and had never heard of that particular shooting before. its great that you want to help people from your own struggle with this.
Tbh it’s the only way I can find meaning as to why I went through it 🤷🏻♀️ but yeah he was something else
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My ex was a man and I do not feel comfortable discussing that subject
Oh my bad I didn't read your post
It’s all good 💯💯💯
What’s your favorite bird?
Hummingbird 💯😂
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Not at all lol
My ex is a sociopath. Trust me, they never change. Thank you for sharing your experience.
💯💯💯 luckily mine is gone, so I’m safe. It’s kinda messed up to feel lucky about that but I’m sure you get what I mean
Why did you write shooting in 1337 speak
Because I’ve gotten adjusted to typing in ~TikTok~ 😂
Can I safely assume he now has life in prision with no possibility of parole?
He’s d3ad now 💯
Good riddance. So glad you survived. Enjoy life, be happy.
I am 🙌🏻 I have my moments (PTSD is a blast), but overall, I have a good life now ❤️
“I am a human being. AMA” This threads are ridiculous
Cool question lol
Sorry -- that must be traumatic. Glad you left that trash and moved forward. How are you doing now, physically and mentally?
I’m doing better. It’s been 14 years since I escaped him, which seems like a long time, but because of PTSD it still sometimes feel like it just happened. I was a mess for years after the fact, and was even more of a mess after he ended up on the news. But I’ve slowly “recovered” and am somewhat back to how I was before he destroyed me…if that makes sense. I’m in a healthy relationship now and also finally have developed a good relationship with my parents. Still very paranoid about people and am a hermit, but I think that’s “normal” behavior after loving someone like that
I'm relieved and glad that you moved on to a wonderful and well-deserved life. Take care of yourself.
Thank you 🙏🏻 ❤️
What’s his name?
Jerad Miller. The “revolutionary” Las Vegas shooter
Looking back, were there any signs or red flags at all within the first 2 years or did he keep the mask up completely?
There were definitely signs, but I was very young and dumb (as well as sheltered—I grew up out in the country and my parents didn’t teach me much about the real world + was emotionally negligent). He was very eccentric. He talked about conspiracy theory a lot and was obsessive about certain films / songs. What should’ve been the main red flag for me was how he spoke about my family and friends, but it was a really slow process of him convincing me that they didn’t care about me / weren’t there for me. But I was very young and naive, so I didn’t see it as a red flag. I took it as him “looking out” for me.
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I’m relieved to hear that you are self aware ❤️ I agree—not everyone with this certain issue is completely “evil”, and not all of them end up being killers. My abuser was the type of psychopath that ended up being a criminal. Drugs, assault, and (of course) murder. He wasn’t a very intelligent psychopath, which is why he always went for young girls. He wasn’t cruel to me the first two years of our relationship. He was actually really sweet. He helped me study and also taught me how to drive. He was my emotional support, because my parents were neglectful in that area. I’m definitely the type that wants to “fix” / help people. I wanted to help him, I could tell he was struggling but that he “wanted to change” (ended up he didn’t want to change at all, but he put on a great show). I wouldn’t say I’m intelligent, but I’m talented. I’m an artist and writer. I used to be into music and wrote music (played guitar and was a vocalist). I think that’s what captivated him. I was young, relatively attractive, talented, and had emotional baggage (struggled with eating disorders along with other mental health issues that I still struggle with today).
I gathered from the cop-killing and Waffle House suicide that he wasn't very *bright*, ahem. He has a dumb face, too ... mouthbreathing trailer-trash. Fuck him. Kys **FIRST**, not other people. But yeah: You were an easy target for someone who can't get a rational woman his own age. How'd y'all break up?
Yeah he wasn’t smart at all lmao he didn’t even graduate high school. He dropped out to do god knows what (he told me a little bit during our last year together and it was…disturbing…to say the least). He strangled me until I passed out and fled our apartment. When I came to and he was gone, I took advantage of that and finally grew the courage to call an acquaintance I met through my job at the time to pick me up and let me stay at his place.
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Yeah, I’m still very confused on whether or not he liked me / loved me. I know that he became obsessed with me. He pretty much stalked me after I left him and made friends with my new “friends”. He made sure to convince them that I was the crazy one so no one would believe me. I was pissed off when they believed me after he ended up on the news, to put it mildly… My high school friends liked him. They thought he was weird, but they liked him. My high school best friend at the time even told me (after I tried to break up with him—long story as to why and difficult to type out…have it written in my memoir though) to stay with him. He showed up at her house and was bawling his eyes out about me, I guess. My parents didn’t like him much at all, but still allowed him to come over all of the time…I have my own assumptions as to why. My aunt was irate about it. She didn’t like him one bit and was very angry with my parents that they didn’t try to get him arrested for statutory r*pe. In my parents defense, they wouldn’t have gotten anywhere if they tried because the legal age of consent in our state is 16 years old. WOW I rambled a lot. Sorry about that 😬
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After him, I didn’t go for the overly eccentric ones. I did, however, become a terrible person (and I do blame myself for the trauma I put myself through afterwards). Honestly, I know this will sound conceited, but I was the most attractive girl he had ever been with. So I think that’s part of why he couldn’t let me go. Not exaggerating, he still had an obsession with me even after marrying Amanda. He saw me with my now current spouse and wouldn’t stop blowing up my SO’s phone to try to “warn” him about me. Thank you btw for talking to me about this. You’re actually helping me further understand this entire situation. As pathetic as this sounds, I’m still not healed from this and I left him 14 years ago. I have yet to find a therapist that I can trust / who could actually help. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve come a loooong way, but PTSD is a bitch
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Thank you for saying that ❤️❤️❤️
You know it's interesting that you say that because I've dated a couple people that definitely have APD only realizing it now in retrospective course. But I used to think it's because I was particularly vulnerable, but I realize it's because I was equally intelligent but I was an empath, something they were missing and knew they needed. I don't necessarily think they were bad people but I think that emotionally we were structured so so different that it was always going to cometo a head
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I'm an empath but I'm absolutely not a pushover I will get in your face and fight I just feel bad about what I say after and will try and avoid confrontation if possible. At the end of the day the hardest part was knowing when to cut and run and I think that you pick up on that precisely. As an empath, i felt that relationships must be for better or worse but you have to save yourself first and that's some thing I could learn
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I genuinely think psychopath isn't the right word I think sociopath is the word that should be used. a sociopath is capable of masking even if they don't feel the same way everyone else does. I think i was attracted to people with APD on the sociopathic spectrum because they don't genuinely feel the same way other people do . I wasn't diagnosed autistic until the age of 40 I think that's why I so much in common with them But at the end of the day we really differed in empathy and that was a dealbreaker
I was diagnosed a few years ago with ASPD. I put it off until recently, trying to fix myself. I have become self- aware that I am psychopath. Good job for getting out. My question is to you is. Did you develop any type of personality or mental disorder because of your ex?
I’m proud of you for having the strength and courage to reach out and get help! Psychopathy / sociopathy is a terrible illness / disease. Believe it or not, I have nothing against people who have ASPD. Not all of you guys end up the way my ex did. Yes, I believe so. I definitely have PTSD because of what he did (and what I did to myself after the fact). I also was diagnosed with a psychotic disorder two years after I left him. I always had signs of it (which is another factor as to why I fell for him…I’m kinda nuts, too lol) but it got really bad once his abuse became impossible to ignore.
I have met very few people who can look past the illness. My wife is one of those people. The reasoning for my question. That is very interesting. Thank you for answering. I think we all have some type of mental illness now a days.
You can blame phone and internet addiction on that 🤣 jk…kind of lol
Internet addiction has a negative effect on mental stability. I can agree to that.
Did you date again before meeting your partner today or was he just a fated encounter who ended up being the one?
Tbh I was in and out of relationships like crazy after I left my abuser. It was some strange way of coping (among other very unhealthy things I had done). But my now spouse and I did meet each other while I was still with my abuser. He actually knew the guy so…it was weird…. I was really paranoid when he reached out to me because I thought he was a “scout” for my abuser (…he never left me tf alone). We talked for four months before I even met up with him, and even then, I had a friend around to make sure. Eventually I gained trust and yep here we are still together 11 years later 🤷🏻♀️😆
Everyone needs to forge their own path, and your path was your own, by the way your portrait is really good. How long have you been doing art and what's your favorite medium?
Thank you! I’ve been drawing forever but I got serious with art once I hit 16, so a good 17 years or so. I love drawing freehand with cheap bic pens the most lol but I’ve been messing around with acrylics lately and am beginning to love it 🥰
I love acrylics, a great transitional medium, too. Once you feel confident in that, idk why, but other styles/medium you thought were not gonna come naturally start eeping their way in slowly. Cartoons, media, abstractism, and realism have always inspired my paintings. What has inspired your artwork over the years? Also, sorry for the follow-ups. I kinda got a little excited when you said acrylics.
What’s funny is that I was terrified of acrylics until I got a 30 x 40 inch canvas lol then I realized the best way (for me) to execute the medium correctly is by how I do it with oil pastels: LAYERS. Lots and lots of LAYERS. My fav genre is surrealism 💯 and usually I do very…bizarre pieces lol but I’m currently prepping for an art show and I need to have at least 7 “normal” pieces to put in it. This acrylic painting I almost have finished is my last “normal” piece. I’m excited to go back to doing my strange surrealism work 😂😂😂 Mental illness inspires my art. A lot of my pieces are heavily centered around paranoia. Though they could mean anything to anyone looking at them 🤷🏻♀️ That’s really cool btw that you’re an artist, too!
I LOVE that, honestly, I haven't seen much surrealism since I dated my ex. She always adored the female figure, and seeing it in the surrealism style was always so unique. Do you recommend any surrealism artists? Thinking about doing a deep dive for nostalgic purposes.
Not at the top of my head BUT look up Salvador Dali and go from there. His work was 🤌🏻
Been years since I looked at his works. Kinda got windswept by him in my teens and saw the questionable biopic, and was enraptured for a long while.
Idk I have a thing for bizarre and thought-provoking artworks. A piece that makes you question what the artist’s intentions were for their message, but then coming up with your own conclusions of what the piece is about. Some people say it’s “ugly”, but hey, the human mind can be an ugly and chaotic place 🤷🏻♀️