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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel that I might be the AH because I let my daughter get a short haircut that she wanted, and my wife is not happy with my decision. She's giving me the cold shoulder and acting like it's a bigger deal than it should be. My actions might ruin my daughters relationship with her stepmother.
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NTA. The way she's continuing to complain about the cut itself and the girl's "image" sounds like she straight up thinks girls shouldn't have short hair. Maybe she was ok with your daughter's tomboy-ness as long as she still had what your wife considers a major signal of femininity and now she feels the girl is "too masculine." She may or may not have ideas about this having something to do with your having been a single father. Maybe she feels an inappropriate level of authority or control over your child's choices about how she presents herself in general, regardless of gender norms, and feels her authority was usurped. Regardless of the nature of her issue, she is making a child feel bad about her appearance and her preferences for her own body, and she needs to stop.
I have hair down to my tailbone and recently told my mom I wanted to cut it to my shoulder blades and dye it that dark brown with a purple hue and she said "nope, you'd better not" I'm in my early 30's..
THIS was my mantra with my kids. (4 girls, 2 boys)
Daughter 1 wanted a blue Mohawk at 12 or 13. Done. (Telling my ultra feminine boss that paid for boobs was my favorite day!)
Daughter 3 had waist length RINGLETS. She wanted her hair short because combing it took too long (mommy didn't figure out "braid it at bedtime" soon enough). She She got her hair cut short.
Daughter 4 loved scissors (and no matter where we hid them, she'd find them) and always had ridiculous hair as a tot.
It's. Hair. Dead skin cells. Who. Fucking. Cares.
Because there wasn't any other easy way to get that mass of tangles untangled other than a brush and brushing makes a whole other problem...called frizz
Professional Hair Dude here - most people have no idea how to deal with curly hair. And the tighter the curl the fewer people who can actually work with it. And what works on actual ethnic hair doesn’t always translate to Caucasian curls.
If one is not a patient person, that kind of hair can be hell unless it’s short. Short means different things to different people, so take that into account.
Also, product is completely different now. Makes a tremendous difference.
Anyway, sorry for the mini-rant.
I work with a lot of Chemo patients, it’s not easy sometimes. The basic curl care is the same- moisturizing shampoo, conditioner; use a t-shirt on your hair, not a towel. T-shirt makes for softer, more defined, and less fuzz. Trust me. Comb or brush while in the shower and hair is wet. Wrap hair in shirt for a few minutes, take down, add curl cream or other product. Scrunch with t-shirt. Adjust your curls/waves to your satisfaction. I will say chemo curls usually only last at most two years, usually far less, but not always. Congratulations on your new growth, I hope it continues unabated! I will answer any questions that you have to the best of my abilities.
Ohh.. commenting for my mom yes please. I'm cracking up her normally stick straight has a curl (and is blonde at 70+). Sorry, if this sounds bad. It's not her first go around so our humor is weird.
I have chemo curls, but they’re starting to loosen a little bit. I had chemo four years ago. I’ve read that chemo curls can last a few years, but some go back to how they were before.
My stylist told me that some chemo drugs cause the cuticle to flatten, and make the hair more curly.
My hair went from being a little wavy, to curls. I love my curls. The cut that she gave me was a shoulder length asymmetrical bob.
I would look for someone who works with really curly hair, a lot.
One thing I don’t love about having curly hair, is that when I want to brush through it during the day, it pulls the curls out some.
I'm trying to figure out what to do with my previously straight now curly/wavy hair that went feral during perimenopause. No one tells you your hair will change.
I have a list of questions that I go over with all new clients and with existing clients at a life change. It allows me to advise them and what tools to use on their hair.
Are you grey? If so, what percentage?
Do like to do your hair?
Sleep or styling?
Color/no color?
Frequency of care?
Product/no product?
Willingness to try something different based on hair type?
General advice for curls-
•Use a moisturizing shampoo and conditioner
•comb or brush in the shower or when hair is wet. Not dripping, but wet.
• Use a t-shirt to wrap your hair up to begin the drying process
• Add product as prescribed and directed.
• Scrunch with t-shirt again
• Air dry or lightly diffuse
Enjoy!
When my hair was long i would have ringlets. My best bet for getting rid of any knots was to put conditioner on while in the shower and comb through it. Was always the way to do it. Even my 3 inches above shower hair will go into ringlets and can knot when i sleep xD Having short hair is how i deal with my curls now
My two granddaughters had waist length curls. I put conditioner in my hands and ran it through their hair then combed it thru. No frizz, no tangles, smelled great!!
With curly hair it's best to just not brush/comb dry. While in the shower you put on a ton of conditioner and make sure it has nice slip, then detangle. Style with whatever works best, and don't touch hair again till next wash. There are various subreddits here for taking care of curly hair if you ever feel inclined.
I'm 43 and literally just discovered this week that the reason my hair always seems so frizzy once it's dried and brushed is because it's not reasonably straight. It's actually somewhere between 2c and 3a curls, and my routine was hideous for my hair. I only figured it out because FB started showing me random ads for wavy/curly hair products. So thanks got to Big Brother for once, I guess.
When my son was little he wanted a mohawk for summer. We made him wait until the last few days of school so it wouldn't be a distraction. Good thing because the kids thought it was amazing! But one parent saw it and rolled her eyes. I told her that if wanting a mohawk at age 6 was the worst thing he ever did, we would be getting off easy.
My youngest brother, he's 3 and he loves having "spiky hair." He insists that my mother leave the hair on top of his head alone so he can give himself a mohawk 😂
When my middle son was eight, he wanted to shave his head because Michael Jordan was his idol (still is at age 32 lol). I tried to talk him out of it. Not because I cared what he did with his hair (I let him dye it hot pink before that), but because this child of mine is a tow head. White blonde hair. Silver eyelashes. Eyebrows so light you can barely see them. I just knew with a shiny bald head he'd look sick, but he insisted, so we let him do it. It took less than 24 hours before he had serious regrets lol Luckily, it grew back fast, and he had a collection of ball caps. Once it grew back, he insisted on lime green, so we dyed it lime green. Raising him was never dull.
That was also my mom's mantra, and I was a mix of all your daughters. Y'know what happened? I experimented. I did hairdos I loved at the time, and I look back at fondly, but I'm currently running with my long natural ringlets.
It was so freeing as a child to be able to express myself however I desired, because y'know what? It grew back. The hairdos I hated have been forgotten and all of my issues/insecurities growing up had nothing to do with my hair (except for the time we tried bleaching red dye... It was an ugly salmon...)
I think she's saying she was very happy to tell her super feminine boss who paid for boobs, that her daughter wanted a blue Mohawk?
Instructions not clear :(
The commenter was body shaming boss's fake tits because apparently since she let her daughter have a blue mohawk that means she can judge others for what they choose to do with their body.
The double standard is not it for me, but I'm glad the daughter got to have her mohawk.
>"Nope, you better not"
.. Like playfully right? And not having the audacity to consider herself an authority on anyone else's body other than her own... right?
Jokingly.. not narcissistically and full of self-absorption... right? 🫠
... right? 🫠🫠🫠
Even as a joke it makes no sense cuz it's straight up not funny. It what world does she think she has any choice in someone's hair color. It's hair, it'll grow back. Go purple, go rainbow. Big deal, it's hair it'll grow back and most importantly, it's YOURS.
Please cut and colour **your** hair however **you** want. What's your mother going to do? Ground you FFS?
OP, you're NTA, but your wife is and needs to stop commenting on your daughter's hair. Your wife is objectifying your daughter and shaming her for choices she is making involving her body autonomy
Throughout my 20s and into my 30s I would alternate growing my hair to my chin, down to my shoulders once or twice (it takes a long time with wavy/curlyish hair) and cutting it short again. I let it grow for a while before my wedding, then cut it short soon after. I was 33 years old.
When I saw my mother for the first time after cutting my hair post wedding she asked me if my husband let me cut my hair. That was almost worse than her reaction when I was 20 when she asked if having short hair would cause lesbians to hit on me.
(My husband is happy with however I want to wear my hair-as long as it makes me happy, he's happy.)
Same with my wife, she had beautiful long wavy black hair down to her waist. One hot summer she asked me if I cared if she got it cut shorter, like shoulder length. Still loved her just as much, her hair and comfort.
My son grew his hair out in his teenage years. Beautiful red/brown down to his waist. I told him there were only 2 rules. 1. You take good care of it, or it's gone. 2. When you are ready to cut it, it has to be donated. I would have loved to see who was blessed with his hair for a wig.
I would have gotten a scissors and chopped off the back right there in front of her :P Then again I am a guy and have been losing my hair since my 20s :)
Hey this is me! From 13 to 19 my parents forced me to keep my hair long, like waist length long, then I cut it to my shoulders, then a bob, then a pixie, and I currently have a Mohawk. My mom and my dad have complained at every stage and are ALWAYS telling me how pretty id look with longer hair or how pretty it was. They lost it when I shaved the side for the first time. Like legitimate yelling match. Op this isn’t the relationship you want with your daughter. I love my parents but I hate how they seem to focus on how my hair seems to be the only thing that makes me a woman. This is probably how your wife sees femininity as long hair and danity
As a grade 3 kid, I had beautiful blonde hair halfway down my back.
I suddenly decided I wanted a shag cut.
I remember my mom and the hairdresser both asking "are you sure you want to do this?"
I went ahead and loved it. Then grew my hair back. Cut it again in grade 9.
Always experimented with hair styles after that because IT GROWS BACK! How awesome is that?
I cut my nearly waist length hair at 17 to my shoulders, my mom cried for a week. (Seriously)
I'm 42 and still, to this day, if I cut my hair, change the style she cries, tells me how beautiful it was the way it was long etc. She even tried to say my husband won't like it if it isn't long and he overheard once. He replied "I really don't care what she does with her hair, as it's hers, not mine". That made her eyes bug out!
when i was 12 i started asking my mom to let me cut my hair really short, but she said no because “when i was your age my mom forced me to get a pixie cut and i hated it” so clearly i would too since i was supposed to be her mini-me and like everything she liked, but i kept begging until she finally let me about a year and a half later. guess who still has short hair (actually even shorter than that, i have a stereotypical men’s fade haircut) at 21??
i’ve grown my hair out to my shoulders a couple times bc i got bored but then i got annoyed by long hair again and cut it short 🤷
i’ve also shaved my head like one and a half times (the second time was kinda long for a shaved head so idk if i count it) so yk, haven’t yet had a hairstyle i didn’t like lmao
Mine told me that I had ruined my beautiful hair. She also claimed that trimmed hair looked "unnatural" so I had ridiculously unhealthy hair. Waist length, and I couldn't even donate it because the split ends went all the way up the the band of my bra. 🙄🤦♀️
I grew up with my dad wanting us to all have short hair. He was adamant it was cleaner. I remember being 13 and telling him I was old enough to decide and grew my hair down past my butt. Of course as an adult I have realized I look better with shorter hair but mix it up now and then. I’ve had it almost buzz cut short as well. Hair grows. If I were young today and could do it over I would experiment with my hair and definitely play with colour.
My mom made us girls keep it short..54 now, and I still wear it long, almost to my butt. It's still dark and relatively healthy, so I'm not ready to let it go. She's 80 now and finally quit fussing 😆.
I had really long hair until I was like 15/16 and convinced my mom to let me cut it. My dad was over the top angry and when he finally got over it, took to shaming me based on some comment I made as a little girl that "I'd never cut my hair”. Well I only made that comment because he was so bummed my mom cut her hair.
Anyhow I'm in my 40s now and have typically kept short hair even though every boyfriend always tells me they prefer it longer. I don't know how to style long hair though, it makes my neck hot and itchy and I just don't like having it. So why should I always be unhappy for others.
My mom had a similar reaction when I cut my hair shoulder length during my first summer break from college, when I was 19. It had been waist length my entire life, my mom had only even allowed me to get it trimmed once. I warned her multiple times in the couple weeks before I got it done, including right before I left for the appointment. She was still shocked almost to tears when I got home, and when I asked why, she said, "I didn't think you'd actually do it!" I've always done stuff I said I would...
I'm so lucky. I had my hair to my tailbone and wanted it shorter. My mom cut it to my shoulders, two years later I wanted a boy cut and again my mom cut my hair.
Nta, your wife sounds like my grandparents who thought women should have long hair (lol at the very long shoulder length), mine was waist length much of my childhood, i think i was in college when I finally chopped it to shoulder length, its been all sorts of lengths since then. It’s your daughter’s hair, it’s your daughter’s choice.
I am old enough to have known a family member born in the 19th century.
As a young working woman she has short hair.
So, nothing to do with age.
OP is not only NTA, but he’s giving his daughter autonomy, which is gold star parenting. Wife needs to get over it.
my partners mom is like that! she thinks any female person with short hair is mentally ill and any male person with long hair is mentally ill lmao, meanwhile i, a female person, have short hair and my partner, a male person, has long hair
She could also just see this as the daughter testing the waters to come out of the closet. Maybe homophobic.
I say this as a lesbian, who before I came out, cut my hair short. Not because I love ladies, but because I was on depo provera and the shot reduced my once luscious and thick locks of hair to thin shreds. Even years afterwards my hair remains thin. It made me feel confident, I didn’t worry someone would look at my scalp and think I was sick or something.
Sometimes we just want short hair, no matter the reason. Whether it’s to style and dry faster, or because it makes us feel good about ourselves. The wife needs to apologize and get over antiquated ideals of women.
completely agree, she could suspect that it’s a coded hairstyle. that’s a bad situation even for a straight kid, but if she’s queer it’s absolutely not okay.
Oh, for sure, in my head that was completely part of the femininity stuff (queerness is inherently gender nonconforming, comphet, etc etc), though I didn't say it out loud. There's a good chance this is a toss-up on whether wife is worried she's a lesbian or trans or both.
When I was younger, I had just moved in with a guy for the first time. I was on my way to a hair appointment and mentioned it as I was leaving the apartment. My hair was almost to my waist at the time, and I was just planning on getting it trimmed. My boyfriend said, "You better not get all of your hair cut off!" I ended up getting it cut to my chin.
He never told me what I could or couldn't do again. 🤣🤣🤣
I first got my hair cut short when I was seven. My mom had short hair (a "wedge" cut), and I wanted short hair like hers. I was pressured to grow it out for senior pictures - took senior pictures in the morning, went to the salon to chop it off in the afternoon. Grew it out for college photos, chopped it off again.
"Long" for me is shoulder-length. Trichotillomania means when my hair is long, the short pieces stick up. I grew it out while dating my husband, kept it long for the wedding and a couple years later, then decided... you know what? I feel more comfortable with short hair. I'm more confident with short hair. My inner self has short hair.
My husband prefers it longer, but it's my hair, my preferences, my self. Short hair, don't care.
NTA
But you might want to talk to your daughter privately about if her step mother is expressing other opinions to her or pressuring her. Overreacting to hair is silly. See what else she is whispering to the girl, esp if your wife hates her being a tomboy.
Also make sure your daughter knows she can come to you for any issue, like romantic crushes, physical things like periods. Make sure she doesn't feel like your wife controls your daughter's access to the things she needs.
ETA OP's tag.
@[u/Mysterious\_Raise\_156](https://www.reddit.com/user/Mysterious_Raise_156/) this comment has resonated with many folks here. hope you have these talks with your daughter.
He needs to talk to his wife about *why* this is such a big deal for her. A reaction this strong probably has a reason. Did something happen to her in the past that brought this out?
Your spouse is not your enemy. Talk to her, and take time to understand why she feels the way she does. You don’t have to agree with her. But give her a safe space to share her concerns.
All shitty behavior isn’t due to trauma. It’s a fucking haircut. More than likely she just has super rigid ideas of gender norms. And trauma doesn’t excuse treating a child like this.
Exactly. Some of it is just conditioning. When you grow up accepting that girls have long hair and boys have short hair it's not trauma, it's just conditioning.
Listen to her and then determine how much more you need to lay into your wife. And don’t stop until she realizes that she just crushed your daughter’s happiness and is 100% the bad guy in this situation for wanting to control another person’s body. Or let it come to divorce if she’s not willing to see that her behavior is wrong.
OP definitely needs to talk to the wife. Honestly, I am thinking he is being a bit of an asshole for allowing this to continue. Giving each other the cold shoulder? Um, no. OP, you need to address this directly and immediately with your wife. Find out why your daughter's happiness isn't her top priority when it comes to your daughter's haircut. Demand she apologize to your daughter and be more supportive of your daughter's choice. Get a counselor or therapist involved if needed. Things cannot continue as they are. Do not allow your wife to make your daughter miserable.
Yep. So this. The stepmom is overreacting which suggests more to this situation. Something is off for anyone to be so upset. It’s daughters body, stepmom should respect it. People with some level of facial blindness will react this way, especially if they have no warning. This doesn’t sound like that though, and OP would’ve probably known if his wife has those kinds of issues.
There’s some serious red flags here, and OP needs to ensure that his daughter is not being manipulated or emotionally abused or even just forced into specific beliefs or ideals that don’t align with daughter.
I have some level of faceblindness and I’ve never passive-aggressively complained about somebody else’s haircut or said it “ruined their image” in my life. I’d have to chew people out for shaving or changing clothes sometimes too, what a waste of energy.
People with face blindness are not always going to freak out like the stepmom has. Some of us go with warning folks that it’ll take time to learn to recognize them again.
I had a young adult returning student who let me know about their face blindness. It was profound and had seriously affected their schooling, career, and relationships. So, whenever I saw this student on campus, I'd say "Hi, xxxx. It's Dr. Yyy!" Until they pointed out that they could always recognize me because of my brilliant silver hair. Hey, getting silver had its perks!
Absolutely NTA. Your daughter is old enough to make her own style choices and she’s obviously happy. That IS all that matters. It’s just hair. She can grow it long again if she chooses to do so. It’s not like she amputated a limb. Your wife is def the AH for bringing up her issues with her hair in front of your daughter.
This. In case your wife has shattered her confidence in having short hair, please take the time to gently reassure her that she looks beautiful and that you support however she wants her hair to be. Hair grows back and its a phenomenal way to allow your child to express themselves.
I've done pretty much anything and everything you can imagine to my hair. I've bleached and dyed it within an inch of its life. I've straightened it. I've cut it in horrifically asymmetrical, choppy ways in my bathroom at 3 AM on school nights. I've given myself bangs. I've shaved it all off on a whim. The whole nine yards. Many successes and many absolute disasters. The only things that I've regretted with my hair are things that *other people* pressured/forced me to do because *they* didn't like it and couldn't accept that it was *my* hair and *my* body, *not* theirs.
Hair is just hair. It grows back. And with a pixie cut/shaved head, if you regret your choices, you can always buy a fun wig for the days you miss having longer hair. If you're young you can easily get away with just a half-decent cosplay wig, which can be really fun on occasion.
It may also be worth OP probing his wife on *why* this haircut bothers her so dang much, because it's frankly raising a *lot* of red flags for me. Is the wife bothered by the daughter's lack of conformation to traditional gender norms/expressions of femininity, and this haircut is the last straw? Is the wife more concerned about how daughter's new hairstyle will reflect on *her* as a step-parent than the daughter's actual comfort/happiness with her own hair? Is the wife concerned that the daughter will now be perceived as queer? Is it a problem for the wife if the daughter *is* queer? Etc.
NTA. Your daughter is the one who gets to choose the length of her hair. My mother kept my hair short while I was young. Once I hit high school, I put my foot down and started growing it out. I'd been in pixie cuts and short bobs until then.
**HAIR IS HAIR AND HAIR GROWS!!**
Exactly it grows back! Almost every female has probably had a bad haircut whether it's getting bangs or going too short. It grows back and your daughter loves her pixie that's what matters!
I have a friend who used to get those bowl cuts, I had to hide a lot of photos before her bridal shower so they didn't make it into any collages. She really hated that cut and actually used her allowance to go to a salon after getting it a few times.
My dad used to come at me with the Flowbee:
https://youtu.be/51pgwlAqpJg?si=DF5yJ-PvAIoga6GH
(Commentary is not the actual audio but the first line is beyond accurate)
Perhaps she is upset her daughter did not ask her. Shoulder length hair is not that long. I had it down to my waist and cut it to shoulder length during bereavement. I donated my braid to locks of love. However, my coworkers were mad. Go figure.
Either way the wife’s reaction is belittling and cruel. She needs a sit down and talking too. Have a serious conversation about her role in the mental well being of your daughter. She is acting like a bully. Not acceptable.
Not her daughter, unless the girl feels that way.
Secondly, not her place to say yes or no when dad already said yes. She's over 10 years old. More than old enough to go get a hair cut she likes without shitty rude opinions on it.
Yeah the cold shoulder is not going to solve anything.
I would sit her down and say something along the lines of "listen, her (I would not say MY daughter OUR daughter would be good but only if OP's daughter would be ok with that label) body is hers, no one is going to tell her what do with it. And the only image she needs be to concerned with is what ever image she is comfortable with. Not what you, me or anybody else deem acceptable. I appreciate your concern, and know how much you love her but neither of us has any right to tell her how to cut her hair, and this hair cut used to fill her with such confidence and joy. But your comments are clearly making her depressed and killing her confidence. Regardless of intention you are hurting her and you need to stop immediately. You guys have such a great relationship please don't do something that could jeopardize it. If you cannot say anything nice about the hair, then you need to say nothing"
She absolutely does, and OP is absolutely right here. It’s just funny because hair that goes to your shoulders is generally considered short to medium length on women.
Your wife seems overly concerned about your daughter's image and her
need to harp on the hair cut sounds immature. She is acting like a pill. You gave her permission for the hair cut, and your daughter is happy. Wife needs to start acting like an adult. NTA.
I have a long time friend who had gorgeous long blond hair. Her two sisters also had beautiful long hair in reddish brown. Their mom died when when they were young teens. Dad quickly remarried a real witch of a woman as he was lonely.
Witch had two daughters the same ages and friend and her sisters whose shoulder length hair was very coarse curly. They hated my friend and her sisters for some reason and they really hated my friend's looks and the fact that she was an athlete/scholar - all three sisters excelled in sports or music plus studies. They worked hard but they were smart.
Well, my friend was asked out by a guy one of witch's daughters liked (friend had no idea). They went out on a date and Witch Jr was furious. She had her sister hold down friend and cut off her hair (it was really short and extremely uneven). The witch saw what happened and laughed saying she deserved it for thinking she was better than her daughter.
Dad came home to a brawl. Once he saw friend's hair, he knew exactly who did it (evidently witch often complained to dad that his girls' hair was way too long and needed to be cut). He took friend to the salon and thankfully they were able to give her a nice shag/pixie cut. Witch Jr. was openly furious that friend looked great with her new haircut. Dad filed for divorce the next day and kicked witch and her kids to the curb. Messy divorce but well worth the $$$.
As a tomboy who wasn't allowed to cut my hair short as a kid and finally did it as an adult, let me first say thank you so much for being so supportive of your daughter getting the hairstyle she wanted.
You are not remotely the asshole, but your wife 100% is. Please continue to be firm. If your daughter is hearing your wife speaking negatively about her appearance, she needs to also be hearing you defend her. I'm normally a proponent of presenting a united front to the kids, but not when one of the parents is insulting a child. If your wife can't shut the F up about it, that would become a "you are no longer to be in my child's presence" situation.
Tell your daughter that she's a badass who looks amazing. NTA
Thanks for saying that about daughter needs to hear dad defending her. I agree absolutely. Might help mitigate some of the damage done by that woman.
What is up with hating short hair? Is it some kind of anti-feminism thing?
My oldest girl has such curly hair that she buzzed it! She loves it. Naturally curly hair is not uniform and she hates fussing with it. She’s beautiful. And she doesn’t care about that. She’s so cool.
OP’s spouse is determined to give the girl anxiety about her appearance. That’s never good for a young girl - or anyone.
Hair is gendered. It can be related to mom's anxiety Bout her daughter being gay or trans, among other less serious concerns. Some moms just think they own their children and get offended when their kids begin asserting their bodily autonomy.
NTA. The only person whose opinion matters on your daughter's hair style is your daughter. She's 14, not 4. Your wife seriously needs to get a check on her comments and behavior.
NTA.
Your wife needs to calm down.
Your daughter is 14 and old enough to select her own hair styles. If she is happy with it, that's all that matters.
Your wife sounds incredibly materialistic.
Absolutely. At 14, I would only intervene if it was going to violate the school dress code. Or maybe, something extreme like shaving one side. Hair grows fast and it's her body.
Just curious- what is extreme about shaving one side? It's fairly common nowadays. As you said, it'll grow back even if she would have to maybe transition to a puxie cut and then continue growing it out if she changed her mind.
I'm increasingly convinced about the panic from women about girls cutting their hair short is a badly disguised "oh no! Maybe she's a lesbian!!!!!!" panic.
NTA and people need to stop getting their panties in a twist about girls cutting their hair short
Short hair, tomboy. Wife might be afraid she's dealing with a.....gasp.....gay.
Wife needs to smarten the hell up before shit gets serious; she needs to get her head on straight.
Good for you getting your daughter the haircut she wanted.
When I cut my hair super short my dad asked me if I was gay. My family always made it clear that they didn’t care if any of us were gay, ofc. I was like yeah dad, but that’s not why I cut my hair.
I think half of my mom’s church also assumed I was gay because of the hair. It’s crazy how prevalent the idea is.
I went to college in the midwest back in the 80s, and there were quite a few people who thought that short hair + attitude = lesbian. I wasn't a lesbian but had short hair and an attitude, and I also never wore skirts or dresses because I'd had my fill after so many years of Catholic school uniform skirts. It wasn't until a couple years later I finally realized why I didnt' have many boyfriends in college.
You need to be very clear with your wife that she needs to drop it. Her being disapproving is messing with your daughter’s self esteem. It is shameful that she would make a big deal over hair. it’s shallow. Your daughter is a lot more than her hair or makeup or anything else. Your wife is very petty and I wouldn’t put up with it. Your daughter is old enough to decide what she wants to do with her hair. Your wife has NO RIGHT to be shaming her
NTA - your wife sounds more concerned with her OWN image, rather than your daughter's happiness. Why should your daughter's choice of hair style affect her so much?
NTA.
My mom wouldn't let me have short hair. I got it cut short in college a little under 10 years ago and have never let it grow back out. I truly dislike long hair and can't even stand my hair touching the bottom of my neck now.
If your daughter wants it short she should have it short. It's not like she asked to start drinking or something.
That's another thing I brought up to my wife that it's just hair. It's not a big deal. I think that was the biggest issue for my daughter was it touching her shoulders. She also hated how long it took to blow-dry. I think my wife has that view that women need to have long hair because her hair is long.
Yeah. For what it's worth - I do think you should sit down one on one with your wife and figure out why it matters to her so much. Maybe there's something in her past or something dumb that's making her have a strong opinion on hair.
I mean, I know anecdotes aren’t proof or anything, but personally… I wasn’t queer at all until I cut my hair to cheek length. It’s a good thing I didn’t go any higher, or I’d be full gay instead of just half!
^(/s. just in case.)
I had to bury my face in my pillow so I didn't startle the dogs and my sleeping spouse because I BUSTED out laughing at this.
Just imagining the wife clinging to the scraggles of hair from the salon 🤣🤣🤣
my son is 5! yes, i make sure he’s sure but i let him have autonomy with his hair. surely your daughter at 14 is wayyyy more sure than my 5 year old. There are so many ppl who can’t grow hair at all or back. Your wife is being silly especially since your daughter was so happy! your daughter sounds badass! women with pixie cuts are my idols because i can’t seems to bite the bullet! NTA keep being an awesome dad!
NTA
I honestly don't understand a mother's obsession with a daughter's hair length once the daughter is old enough to express a desire to have a certain length of hair. At this point, the step-mom's concerns about being a bad step-mom is coming true by being overly attached to OP's daughter's hair.
I suspect there’s more to it for your wife than what’s on the surface. Maybe she feels left out. Maybe she feels insecure in the role she plays with your daughter since it’s not her biological child. I don’t think your the AH but maybe take a step back and see if there’s more to it.
But the focus shouldn’t be on the wife making the daughter’s haircut about her. Her self victimization should not overshadow her making derogatory comments to the point your daughter is visibly depressed. Even if she has strong feelings she’s a grown adult vs a child with a still developing self image also what she did was inappropriate and that point should not be glossed over.
Please ask her what in tarnation she meant with "image," and how short hair is bad for a girl.
No, but seriously, what image?! Does she mean she thinks your daughter now looks, idk, gay? And is that a bad thing? What image does a 14 year old even have?
Or is it because she feels even less connected to your daughter, because I guess most mothers would be present if their daughter changed their hair so dramatically. But your daughter is 14. If she wants to have her hair a certain way, and it's not against school regulation (some schools are weird about "unnatural" colours), then her say should be the only say. She is 14, not 4.
**But seriously. Image?!?!!!?**
NTA.
Please give your wife the chance to learn from my mother's mistakes. It started with making disapproving comments about my short hair as a teen. It continued and continued, on various topics, to the point of making disapproving comments about my lesbian marriage as an adult. It has ended in estrangement, 4 years and counting.
Your daughter will do things your wife doesn't approve of or wouldn't have chosen for herself. If your wife doesn't support your daughter's right to live her own life, and celebrate things that make her happy, not only is there a good chance she ends up cut off and you end up in the middle, more importantly she will break your daughter's heart.
Hopefully this is a wake up call and this is the last time she responds like this. Wishing the three of you all the best together.
>asking why I allowed daughter to cut all her hair cut off
*Allowed*?
I thought she was 14, not **four**. It's *hair*, it grows back.
I think we know who was the asshole here.
“Very long hair down to her shoulders”? NTA, and your daughter should be able to do whatever she wants to her own hair, but shoulder length hair is medium length at most lol
NTA, and thanks for advocating for her. I had a pixie cut as a teenager and for some reason lots of people are really weird about young girls making the decision to not have long hair. It’s awesome that her dad is in her corner. Her feelings about her hair are all that matter and the great thing about hair is that nothing is permanent, so if she changes her mind she can go back to how her hair was before. I think you should have a serious talk with your wife because while not everyone will have the same experiences I do, hearing negative comments from family members about my hair choices when I was a teenager really hurt me and have negatively affected relationships I have to this day
NTA- I think you could have talked over the decision with your wife beforehand to make it better? However, based on the way your wife reacted I don't think her issue is you didn't consult her, but more that your daughter doesn't look the way your wife wants her to look.
Your daughter is old enough to make her own decisions, no you did not permanently mutilate your daughter, you can be very pretty with short hair, and you got your daughter a nice haircut (god knows I've cut my own bangs only for them to turn out horrendously).
Hair is never that deep, and getting upset over it really isn't worth it- NTA once again. :))
Yeah this is wild to me. I have had every length of hair. I'm not attached to it at all. I have never cried when it's cut (I know some people do and there's nothing wrong with that) and I've gone from shoulder length to short in one haircut.
The stylist even checked to make sure I was okay with the change. I pointed to her hair (it was shorter than what I was wanting) and told her mine used to look like that, chop it off.
It felt amazing getting rid of it. Even now I have an undercut with just the top long, and I've got so much hair that when it's down you can't tell the rest is practically shaved.
I like it and that's all that matters. No one else has to manage my hair so they get no say. This Mom is wild for making it a big deal.
NTA. It seems to be that your daughter is a substitute daughter for the daughter that your wife wanted to have (doing girlie things they could bond over). She is struggling with the idea of loosing this image of this picture perfect image of the daughter/stepdaughter. It is not about the hair I think but about what it represents. She probably feels also hurt that she was not included in the conversation (which she did not need to since it is not her hair), because she see your daughter has hers too, and not being included might feel like a reminder that she is not mum. Of course she could also be projecting her own self and wanted to live through your daughter (being popular for example and this is why image is so important). However those are issues for your wife to discuss with a therapist.
In any case, you need to have a serious talk with your wife (cold shoulder will never resolve anything). You need to be clear to her that she is damaging her relationship with your daughter and yourself. You can mention the fact that it might not be just about the hair and you are happy to talk and listen. However, in the main time you won't tolerate comments, or other negatives behaviour towards your daughter, and that you expect her to apologise to your daughter for the way she reacted. I would also point out that there are a lot of famous celebrities with pixie cut!
I would also talk to your daughter and explain that she has done nothing wrong and that the problem is with your wife and your wife only (she probably feels that the love of her stepmother is conditional in doing what your wife wants, which is particularly cruel after her own mum rejected her). That what truly matter is what she thinks of herself and as far as you are concerned she is an amazing girl who look great with a pixie cut.
NTA. This may come as a great shock to your wife, but hair grows back.
The damage your wife is doing to your daughter by having an aggressively negative reaction to daughter's choice will have lasting effects on her confidence and well-being (ask me how I know).
What your wife is doing is much bigger than not liking a haircut.
P.s. I had a pixie cut for the better part of my adult life and got nothing but compliments on it.
NTA.
Parents need to realize letting a child choose a haircut is the *easiest* form of self-expression you can allow your child. She didn't damage it by using a bunch of product or anything, it's just a style.
It. Grows. Back.
I hope the wife isn't as controlling in all other aspects as she seems to be here.
I'll go with NTA although I don't like the "giving her the cold shoulder" part.
But good for you sticking up to your daughter.
She's allowed to wear her hair like she wants and *create her own image* not the one your wif wants. Simple as that.
Even if none of that was true.... It's just hair for christ sake. Even if she'd gone and gotten herself a pikachu picture razored and died in her hair, it's just hair, it'll grow back.
NTA. My gut feeling is that with your daughter being a tomboy and now cutting her hair off, that your wife is jumping to the conclusion that she may be a lesbian or have some sort of gender issues. Some parents take those things in stride pretty well, and we all know others do not.
I grew up in an environment somewhat like that where my mom wanted me to be a lot more girly than I was. I was a huge tomboy, and wore almost all men's clothes. She didn't want me or my sister to cut our hair short. I always wanted long hair and still do (I'd flip if I had to cut it!), but my sister (who had amazing super long hair) cut it short pretty early on. I probably gave her as much crap as my mom did (of course now I know I shouldn't have but I just COULD NOT understand). And I admit I'd be super bummed if my niece cut her hair short, but the difference is I would not say that to her or in front of her. While I genuinely don't like short hair on 90% of females, I also wouldn't insult someone for it. It's not my choice how they should have their hair done!
NTA. it's not her hair, she needs to get over it. i have a pixie cut and neither of my parents like it. i'm an adult, though. i can't imagine getting a pixie while still in their care and having to hear about it
NTA Your daughter is her own person. If she wanted to shave herself bald and paint her head like an eightball it's her right. Your wife is projecting her image of what your daughter should or should not be, or just downright projecting all femininity as long hair.
My dad loved short hair on all of us kids because it was more efficient! He hated having to wait for people to get ready. My mom had short hair, too. Now I’m in my 60s, and wear it shoulder length.
My daughter loves the cut. Quick shower and blow dry. She plays soccer, and it will be easier for her to play without having to put her hair up in a ponytail.
Main reason I keep my hair short. It’s doesn’t get in the way of my athletic activities and minimal care to maintain my curls
I don’t understand why your wife is upset or harassing your daughter about her hair
Is she afraid your daughter will stop having spa days with her or something?
Your wife doesn’t have to like the haircut but she needs to be civil about it
It’s never good when a grown adult bullies a child about her looks
Is your wife still behaving awful about the haircut?
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NTA. The way she's continuing to complain about the cut itself and the girl's "image" sounds like she straight up thinks girls shouldn't have short hair. Maybe she was ok with your daughter's tomboy-ness as long as she still had what your wife considers a major signal of femininity and now she feels the girl is "too masculine." She may or may not have ideas about this having something to do with your having been a single father. Maybe she feels an inappropriate level of authority or control over your child's choices about how she presents herself in general, regardless of gender norms, and feels her authority was usurped. Regardless of the nature of her issue, she is making a child feel bad about her appearance and her preferences for her own body, and she needs to stop.
My mother lost it when I cut my hair really short for the first time. I was 20 years old, but still living at home while on break from college.
I have hair down to my tailbone and recently told my mom I wanted to cut it to my shoulder blades and dye it that dark brown with a purple hue and she said "nope, you'd better not" I'm in my early 30's..
Do it! Hair is temporary! It’ll grow back if you hate it!
THIS was my mantra with my kids. (4 girls, 2 boys) Daughter 1 wanted a blue Mohawk at 12 or 13. Done. (Telling my ultra feminine boss that paid for boobs was my favorite day!) Daughter 3 had waist length RINGLETS. She wanted her hair short because combing it took too long (mommy didn't figure out "braid it at bedtime" soon enough). She She got her hair cut short. Daughter 4 loved scissors (and no matter where we hid them, she'd find them) and always had ridiculous hair as a tot. It's. Hair. Dead skin cells. Who. Fucking. Cares.
You….were combing…curly hair? WHY???
Because there wasn't any other easy way to get that mass of tangles untangled other than a brush and brushing makes a whole other problem...called frizz
Professional Hair Dude here - most people have no idea how to deal with curly hair. And the tighter the curl the fewer people who can actually work with it. And what works on actual ethnic hair doesn’t always translate to Caucasian curls. If one is not a patient person, that kind of hair can be hell unless it’s short. Short means different things to different people, so take that into account. Also, product is completely different now. Makes a tremendous difference. Anyway, sorry for the mini-rant.
Do you have any idea how to tame chemo curls so I don't look like a clown? You seem knowledgeable.
I work with a lot of Chemo patients, it’s not easy sometimes. The basic curl care is the same- moisturizing shampoo, conditioner; use a t-shirt on your hair, not a towel. T-shirt makes for softer, more defined, and less fuzz. Trust me. Comb or brush while in the shower and hair is wet. Wrap hair in shirt for a few minutes, take down, add curl cream or other product. Scrunch with t-shirt. Adjust your curls/waves to your satisfaction. I will say chemo curls usually only last at most two years, usually far less, but not always. Congratulations on your new growth, I hope it continues unabated! I will answer any questions that you have to the best of my abilities.
Ohh.. commenting for my mom yes please. I'm cracking up her normally stick straight has a curl (and is blonde at 70+). Sorry, if this sounds bad. It's not her first go around so our humor is weird.
I have chemo curls, but they’re starting to loosen a little bit. I had chemo four years ago. I’ve read that chemo curls can last a few years, but some go back to how they were before. My stylist told me that some chemo drugs cause the cuticle to flatten, and make the hair more curly. My hair went from being a little wavy, to curls. I love my curls. The cut that she gave me was a shoulder length asymmetrical bob. I would look for someone who works with really curly hair, a lot. One thing I don’t love about having curly hair, is that when I want to brush through it during the day, it pulls the curls out some.
I'm trying to figure out what to do with my previously straight now curly/wavy hair that went feral during perimenopause. No one tells you your hair will change.
Wash, condition, comb, scrunch, air dry or dry with a diffuser. Then leave it alone. Do not brush it.
I have a list of questions that I go over with all new clients and with existing clients at a life change. It allows me to advise them and what tools to use on their hair. Are you grey? If so, what percentage? Do like to do your hair? Sleep or styling? Color/no color? Frequency of care? Product/no product? Willingness to try something different based on hair type? General advice for curls- •Use a moisturizing shampoo and conditioner •comb or brush in the shower or when hair is wet. Not dripping, but wet. • Use a t-shirt to wrap your hair up to begin the drying process • Add product as prescribed and directed. • Scrunch with t-shirt again • Air dry or lightly diffuse Enjoy!
When my hair was long i would have ringlets. My best bet for getting rid of any knots was to put conditioner on while in the shower and comb through it. Was always the way to do it. Even my 3 inches above shower hair will go into ringlets and can knot when i sleep xD Having short hair is how i deal with my curls now
As a biracial person with curly hair (3a/3b) I feel this so much.
My two granddaughters had waist length curls. I put conditioner in my hands and ran it through their hair then combed it thru. No frizz, no tangles, smelled great!!
With curly hair it's best to just not brush/comb dry. While in the shower you put on a ton of conditioner and make sure it has nice slip, then detangle. Style with whatever works best, and don't touch hair again till next wash. There are various subreddits here for taking care of curly hair if you ever feel inclined.
You can use your fingers!
Not with that mess I couldn't have😂
I'm 43 and literally just discovered this week that the reason my hair always seems so frizzy once it's dried and brushed is because it's not reasonably straight. It's actually somewhere between 2c and 3a curls, and my routine was hideous for my hair. I only figured it out because FB started showing me random ads for wavy/curly hair products. So thanks got to Big Brother for once, I guess.
Get a bonnet to wear at night. Silk inside and out. It’s a game changer
I just starting using a bonnet. Makes a world of difference.
I have curly hair and comb it makes the curls nice
I got a few looks when I let my son get a mohawk too, I am a firm believer in it's his hair / body and as long as its legal he can do what he wants
When my son was little he wanted a mohawk for summer. We made him wait until the last few days of school so it wouldn't be a distraction. Good thing because the kids thought it was amazing! But one parent saw it and rolled her eyes. I told her that if wanting a mohawk at age 6 was the worst thing he ever did, we would be getting off easy.
So, was it the worst thing he ever did??? 🤔 😁
For that year, yes. lol!
Perfect response with having a kid lol
My youngest brother, he's 3 and he loves having "spiky hair." He insists that my mother leave the hair on top of his head alone so he can give himself a mohawk 😂
Same same same! Except a rat tail. I may have said no to that🤔
I also said no to a rat tail. But my son has had shaved, long, Mohawk and faux Hawk. I just couldn't manage a rat tail
My cousins kid has an inch wide rat tail half down his back. I've never said anything but it looks terrible
When my middle son was eight, he wanted to shave his head because Michael Jordan was his idol (still is at age 32 lol). I tried to talk him out of it. Not because I cared what he did with his hair (I let him dye it hot pink before that), but because this child of mine is a tow head. White blonde hair. Silver eyelashes. Eyebrows so light you can barely see them. I just knew with a shiny bald head he'd look sick, but he insisted, so we let him do it. It took less than 24 hours before he had serious regrets lol Luckily, it grew back fast, and he had a collection of ball caps. Once it grew back, he insisted on lime green, so we dyed it lime green. Raising him was never dull.
I also let my son get a mohawk. He was about 7. 🤷🏾♀️
That was also my mom's mantra, and I was a mix of all your daughters. Y'know what happened? I experimented. I did hairdos I loved at the time, and I look back at fondly, but I'm currently running with my long natural ringlets. It was so freeing as a child to be able to express myself however I desired, because y'know what? It grew back. The hairdos I hated have been forgotten and all of my issues/insecurities growing up had nothing to do with my hair (except for the time we tried bleaching red dye... It was an ugly salmon...)
Who paid for boobs?
My former boss...or her husband...I didn't ask even though I'm pretty sure she wanted me to
I was confused what that had to do with story.
I think she's saying she was very happy to tell her super feminine boss who paid for boobs, that her daughter wanted a blue Mohawk? Instructions not clear :(
Instructions unclear, bought boobs with a blue Mohawk on them.
The commenter was body shaming boss's fake tits because apparently since she let her daughter have a blue mohawk that means she can judge others for what they choose to do with their body. The double standard is not it for me, but I'm glad the daughter got to have her mohawk.
>"Nope, you better not" .. Like playfully right? And not having the audacity to consider herself an authority on anyone else's body other than her own... right? Jokingly.. not narcissistically and full of self-absorption... right? 🫠 ... right? 🫠🫠🫠
Even as a joke it makes no sense cuz it's straight up not funny. It what world does she think she has any choice in someone's hair color. It's hair, it'll grow back. Go purple, go rainbow. Big deal, it's hair it'll grow back and most importantly, it's YOURS.
I really wanted to shave my head to see what it was like so I did. My mom threw a fit. I was 31 at the time. I loved it, it grew back, no one died.
Are ya sure tho? Are you sure no one died? /s
I am relatively sure no one died because of my lack of hair. But I guess you can never be too sure about these things
Please cut and colour **your** hair however **you** want. What's your mother going to do? Ground you FFS? OP, you're NTA, but your wife is and needs to stop commenting on your daughter's hair. Your wife is objectifying your daughter and shaming her for choices she is making involving her body autonomy
This is the answer. 👆👆
Throughout my 20s and into my 30s I would alternate growing my hair to my chin, down to my shoulders once or twice (it takes a long time with wavy/curlyish hair) and cutting it short again. I let it grow for a while before my wedding, then cut it short soon after. I was 33 years old. When I saw my mother for the first time after cutting my hair post wedding she asked me if my husband let me cut my hair. That was almost worse than her reaction when I was 20 when she asked if having short hair would cause lesbians to hit on me. (My husband is happy with however I want to wear my hair-as long as it makes me happy, he's happy.)
Same with my wife, she had beautiful long wavy black hair down to her waist. One hot summer she asked me if I cared if she got it cut shorter, like shoulder length. Still loved her just as much, her hair and comfort.
My son grew his hair out in his teenage years. Beautiful red/brown down to his waist. I told him there were only 2 rules. 1. You take good care of it, or it's gone. 2. When you are ready to cut it, it has to be donated. I would have loved to see who was blessed with his hair for a wig.
Put on a bald cap next time you see her. That will show her.
You're not listening to her, are you?
I would have gotten a scissors and chopped off the back right there in front of her :P Then again I am a guy and have been losing my hair since my 20s :)
Hey this is me! From 13 to 19 my parents forced me to keep my hair long, like waist length long, then I cut it to my shoulders, then a bob, then a pixie, and I currently have a Mohawk. My mom and my dad have complained at every stage and are ALWAYS telling me how pretty id look with longer hair or how pretty it was. They lost it when I shaved the side for the first time. Like legitimate yelling match. Op this isn’t the relationship you want with your daughter. I love my parents but I hate how they seem to focus on how my hair seems to be the only thing that makes me a woman. This is probably how your wife sees femininity as long hair and danity
As a grade 3 kid, I had beautiful blonde hair halfway down my back. I suddenly decided I wanted a shag cut. I remember my mom and the hairdresser both asking "are you sure you want to do this?" I went ahead and loved it. Then grew my hair back. Cut it again in grade 9. Always experimented with hair styles after that because IT GROWS BACK! How awesome is that?
I cut my nearly waist length hair at 17 to my shoulders, my mom cried for a week. (Seriously) I'm 42 and still, to this day, if I cut my hair, change the style she cries, tells me how beautiful it was the way it was long etc. She even tried to say my husband won't like it if it isn't long and he overheard once. He replied "I really don't care what she does with her hair, as it's hers, not mine". That made her eyes bug out!
Good husband
when i was 12 i started asking my mom to let me cut my hair really short, but she said no because “when i was your age my mom forced me to get a pixie cut and i hated it” so clearly i would too since i was supposed to be her mini-me and like everything she liked, but i kept begging until she finally let me about a year and a half later. guess who still has short hair (actually even shorter than that, i have a stereotypical men’s fade haircut) at 21?? i’ve grown my hair out to my shoulders a couple times bc i got bored but then i got annoyed by long hair again and cut it short 🤷 i’ve also shaved my head like one and a half times (the second time was kinda long for a shaved head so idk if i count it) so yk, haven’t yet had a hairstyle i didn’t like lmao
I was 22. My mom came up with "you cut off your one true beauty". 🙄
Was your mom a fan of Louisa May Alcott?
Mine told me that I had ruined my beautiful hair. She also claimed that trimmed hair looked "unnatural" so I had ridiculously unhealthy hair. Waist length, and I couldn't even donate it because the split ends went all the way up the the band of my bra. 🙄🤦♀️
My mom is the opposite! She hates my and my girls’ long hair. I never understood that.
I grew up with my dad wanting us to all have short hair. He was adamant it was cleaner. I remember being 13 and telling him I was old enough to decide and grew my hair down past my butt. Of course as an adult I have realized I look better with shorter hair but mix it up now and then. I’ve had it almost buzz cut short as well. Hair grows. If I were young today and could do it over I would experiment with my hair and definitely play with colour.
My mom made us girls keep it short..54 now, and I still wear it long, almost to my butt. It's still dark and relatively healthy, so I'm not ready to let it go. She's 80 now and finally quit fussing 😆.
Same. My mother thinks all women should have super short hair because that is how she likes her hair. She has had short hair since the 1960s
Guess how I found out my ex really really hated short curly hair? Cut and perm for my summer swimming class.
Getting a perm for a swimming class is one of the worst things I've heard of someone doing to their hair. 😬
I had really long hair until I was like 15/16 and convinced my mom to let me cut it. My dad was over the top angry and when he finally got over it, took to shaming me based on some comment I made as a little girl that "I'd never cut my hair”. Well I only made that comment because he was so bummed my mom cut her hair. Anyhow I'm in my 40s now and have typically kept short hair even though every boyfriend always tells me they prefer it longer. I don't know how to style long hair though, it makes my neck hot and itchy and I just don't like having it. So why should I always be unhappy for others.
Ahahhaha I was 30 and living across the Atlantic and my mother didn't speak to me for a month after I chopped my hair off.
My mom had a similar reaction when I cut my hair shoulder length during my first summer break from college, when I was 19. It had been waist length my entire life, my mom had only even allowed me to get it trimmed once. I warned her multiple times in the couple weeks before I got it done, including right before I left for the appointment. She was still shocked almost to tears when I got home, and when I asked why, she said, "I didn't think you'd actually do it!" I've always done stuff I said I would...
My mum lost her shit and broke my bedroom door just cuz I dyed my hair pink... I was 24 at the time
I'm so lucky. I had my hair to my tailbone and wanted it shorter. My mom cut it to my shoulders, two years later I wanted a boy cut and again my mom cut my hair.
Nta, your wife sounds like my grandparents who thought women should have long hair (lol at the very long shoulder length), mine was waist length much of my childhood, i think i was in college when I finally chopped it to shoulder length, its been all sorts of lengths since then. It’s your daughter’s hair, it’s your daughter’s choice.
I am old enough to have known a family member born in the 19th century. As a young working woman she has short hair. So, nothing to do with age. OP is not only NTA, but he’s giving his daughter autonomy, which is gold star parenting. Wife needs to get over it.
Short hair got really popular with the flappers. For that generation long hair was old fashioned.
my partners mom is like that! she thinks any female person with short hair is mentally ill and any male person with long hair is mentally ill lmao, meanwhile i, a female person, have short hair and my partner, a male person, has long hair
She could also just see this as the daughter testing the waters to come out of the closet. Maybe homophobic. I say this as a lesbian, who before I came out, cut my hair short. Not because I love ladies, but because I was on depo provera and the shot reduced my once luscious and thick locks of hair to thin shreds. Even years afterwards my hair remains thin. It made me feel confident, I didn’t worry someone would look at my scalp and think I was sick or something. Sometimes we just want short hair, no matter the reason. Whether it’s to style and dry faster, or because it makes us feel good about ourselves. The wife needs to apologize and get over antiquated ideals of women.
completely agree, she could suspect that it’s a coded hairstyle. that’s a bad situation even for a straight kid, but if she’s queer it’s absolutely not okay.
Oh, for sure, in my head that was completely part of the femininity stuff (queerness is inherently gender nonconforming, comphet, etc etc), though I didn't say it out loud. There's a good chance this is a toss-up on whether wife is worried she's a lesbian or trans or both.
When I was younger, I had just moved in with a guy for the first time. I was on my way to a hair appointment and mentioned it as I was leaving the apartment. My hair was almost to my waist at the time, and I was just planning on getting it trimmed. My boyfriend said, "You better not get all of your hair cut off!" I ended up getting it cut to my chin. He never told me what I could or couldn't do again. 🤣🤣🤣
I first got my hair cut short when I was seven. My mom had short hair (a "wedge" cut), and I wanted short hair like hers. I was pressured to grow it out for senior pictures - took senior pictures in the morning, went to the salon to chop it off in the afternoon. Grew it out for college photos, chopped it off again. "Long" for me is shoulder-length. Trichotillomania means when my hair is long, the short pieces stick up. I grew it out while dating my husband, kept it long for the wedding and a couple years later, then decided... you know what? I feel more comfortable with short hair. I'm more confident with short hair. My inner self has short hair. My husband prefers it longer, but it's my hair, my preferences, my self. Short hair, don't care.
NTA But you might want to talk to your daughter privately about if her step mother is expressing other opinions to her or pressuring her. Overreacting to hair is silly. See what else she is whispering to the girl, esp if your wife hates her being a tomboy. Also make sure your daughter knows she can come to you for any issue, like romantic crushes, physical things like periods. Make sure she doesn't feel like your wife controls your daughter's access to the things she needs. ETA OP's tag. @[u/Mysterious\_Raise\_156](https://www.reddit.com/user/Mysterious_Raise_156/) this comment has resonated with many folks here. hope you have these talks with your daughter.
He needs to have a private talk with his wife, too. She needs to be put in line.
He needs to talk to his wife about *why* this is such a big deal for her. A reaction this strong probably has a reason. Did something happen to her in the past that brought this out? Your spouse is not your enemy. Talk to her, and take time to understand why she feels the way she does. You don’t have to agree with her. But give her a safe space to share her concerns.
All shitty behavior isn’t due to trauma. It’s a fucking haircut. More than likely she just has super rigid ideas of gender norms. And trauma doesn’t excuse treating a child like this.
Exactly. Some of it is just conditioning. When you grow up accepting that girls have long hair and boys have short hair it's not trauma, it's just conditioning.
Hey OP!!!! Read this!!!
Listen to her and then determine how much more you need to lay into your wife. And don’t stop until she realizes that she just crushed your daughter’s happiness and is 100% the bad guy in this situation for wanting to control another person’s body. Or let it come to divorce if she’s not willing to see that her behavior is wrong.
OP definitely needs to talk to the wife. Honestly, I am thinking he is being a bit of an asshole for allowing this to continue. Giving each other the cold shoulder? Um, no. OP, you need to address this directly and immediately with your wife. Find out why your daughter's happiness isn't her top priority when it comes to your daughter's haircut. Demand she apologize to your daughter and be more supportive of your daughter's choice. Get a counselor or therapist involved if needed. Things cannot continue as they are. Do not allow your wife to make your daughter miserable.
That is harsh and I hope it does not come to that but you are 100% correct in your posting.
Yes. This. Perfect time to have a heart to heart and make sure she knows you’ve got her back. That talk will definitely become a core memory.
Yep. So this. The stepmom is overreacting which suggests more to this situation. Something is off for anyone to be so upset. It’s daughters body, stepmom should respect it. People with some level of facial blindness will react this way, especially if they have no warning. This doesn’t sound like that though, and OP would’ve probably known if his wife has those kinds of issues. There’s some serious red flags here, and OP needs to ensure that his daughter is not being manipulated or emotionally abused or even just forced into specific beliefs or ideals that don’t align with daughter.
I have some level of faceblindness and I’ve never passive-aggressively complained about somebody else’s haircut or said it “ruined their image” in my life. I’d have to chew people out for shaving or changing clothes sometimes too, what a waste of energy.
People with face blindness are not always going to freak out like the stepmom has. Some of us go with warning folks that it’ll take time to learn to recognize them again.
I had a young adult returning student who let me know about their face blindness. It was profound and had seriously affected their schooling, career, and relationships. So, whenever I saw this student on campus, I'd say "Hi, xxxx. It's Dr. Yyy!" Until they pointed out that they could always recognize me because of my brilliant silver hair. Hey, getting silver had its perks!
This! This post is so important!
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Absolutely NTA. Your daughter is old enough to make her own style choices and she’s obviously happy. That IS all that matters. It’s just hair. She can grow it long again if she chooses to do so. It’s not like she amputated a limb. Your wife is def the AH for bringing up her issues with her hair in front of your daughter.
This. In case your wife has shattered her confidence in having short hair, please take the time to gently reassure her that she looks beautiful and that you support however she wants her hair to be. Hair grows back and its a phenomenal way to allow your child to express themselves.
I've done pretty much anything and everything you can imagine to my hair. I've bleached and dyed it within an inch of its life. I've straightened it. I've cut it in horrifically asymmetrical, choppy ways in my bathroom at 3 AM on school nights. I've given myself bangs. I've shaved it all off on a whim. The whole nine yards. Many successes and many absolute disasters. The only things that I've regretted with my hair are things that *other people* pressured/forced me to do because *they* didn't like it and couldn't accept that it was *my* hair and *my* body, *not* theirs. Hair is just hair. It grows back. And with a pixie cut/shaved head, if you regret your choices, you can always buy a fun wig for the days you miss having longer hair. If you're young you can easily get away with just a half-decent cosplay wig, which can be really fun on occasion. It may also be worth OP probing his wife on *why* this haircut bothers her so dang much, because it's frankly raising a *lot* of red flags for me. Is the wife bothered by the daughter's lack of conformation to traditional gender norms/expressions of femininity, and this haircut is the last straw? Is the wife more concerned about how daughter's new hairstyle will reflect on *her* as a step-parent than the daughter's actual comfort/happiness with her own hair? Is the wife concerned that the daughter will now be perceived as queer? Is it a problem for the wife if the daughter *is* queer? Etc.
NTA. Your daughter is the one who gets to choose the length of her hair. My mother kept my hair short while I was young. Once I hit high school, I put my foot down and started growing it out. I'd been in pixie cuts and short bobs until then. **HAIR IS HAIR AND HAIR GROWS!!**
Exactly it grows back! Almost every female has probably had a bad haircut whether it's getting bangs or going too short. It grows back and your daughter loves her pixie that's what matters!
Shit, I used to get bowl cuts. I hated them and I had no say
I have a friend who used to get those bowl cuts, I had to hide a lot of photos before her bridal shower so they didn't make it into any collages. She really hated that cut and actually used her allowance to go to a salon after getting it a few times. My dad used to come at me with the Flowbee: https://youtu.be/51pgwlAqpJg?si=DF5yJ-PvAIoga6GH (Commentary is not the actual audio but the first line is beyond accurate)
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Perhaps she is upset her daughter did not ask her. Shoulder length hair is not that long. I had it down to my waist and cut it to shoulder length during bereavement. I donated my braid to locks of love. However, my coworkers were mad. Go figure. Either way the wife’s reaction is belittling and cruel. She needs a sit down and talking too. Have a serious conversation about her role in the mental well being of your daughter. She is acting like a bully. Not acceptable.
Not her daughter, unless the girl feels that way. Secondly, not her place to say yes or no when dad already said yes. She's over 10 years old. More than old enough to go get a hair cut she likes without shitty rude opinions on it.
Not her BODY. The kid's 14. She's old enough to decide to cut her own hair.
If ishe was her birth mum she would still be an AH for her reaction.
Yeah the cold shoulder is not going to solve anything. I would sit her down and say something along the lines of "listen, her (I would not say MY daughter OUR daughter would be good but only if OP's daughter would be ok with that label) body is hers, no one is going to tell her what do with it. And the only image she needs be to concerned with is what ever image she is comfortable with. Not what you, me or anybody else deem acceptable. I appreciate your concern, and know how much you love her but neither of us has any right to tell her how to cut her hair, and this hair cut used to fill her with such confidence and joy. But your comments are clearly making her depressed and killing her confidence. Regardless of intention you are hurting her and you need to stop immediately. You guys have such a great relationship please don't do something that could jeopardize it. If you cannot say anything nice about the hair, then you need to say nothing"
This^^
Lol OP is definitely a man. “My daughter has very long hair it’s all the way down to her shoulders”.
Yes. That gave me a “Wait, what?”
Right?! I read that sentence several times to see if I was missing something!
I think he meant shoulder blades. As shoulder length hair is too short really for pony tails
Still, if it was longer than she liked, she had every right to cut it to the length she wanted.
She absolutely does, and OP is absolutely right here. It’s just funny because hair that goes to your shoulders is generally considered short to medium length on women.
No one said otherwise. The idea of shoulder-length hair being "very long hair" is just funny.
Oh, absolutely! It still sounded funny though.
Maybe she's got a freakishly long giraffe neck.
Stepmom is like "The hair was the only thing distracting from the eight foot giraffe neck, you fools!"
I'm a man and I had to double check what I read because something felt off with "her shoulders". I thought my guy misspelled "waist".
I know right?
I was thinking the exact same thing!
Your wife seems overly concerned about your daughter's image and her need to harp on the hair cut sounds immature. She is acting like a pill. You gave her permission for the hair cut, and your daughter is happy. Wife needs to start acting like an adult. NTA.
I have a long time friend who had gorgeous long blond hair. Her two sisters also had beautiful long hair in reddish brown. Their mom died when when they were young teens. Dad quickly remarried a real witch of a woman as he was lonely. Witch had two daughters the same ages and friend and her sisters whose shoulder length hair was very coarse curly. They hated my friend and her sisters for some reason and they really hated my friend's looks and the fact that she was an athlete/scholar - all three sisters excelled in sports or music plus studies. They worked hard but they were smart. Well, my friend was asked out by a guy one of witch's daughters liked (friend had no idea). They went out on a date and Witch Jr was furious. She had her sister hold down friend and cut off her hair (it was really short and extremely uneven). The witch saw what happened and laughed saying she deserved it for thinking she was better than her daughter. Dad came home to a brawl. Once he saw friend's hair, he knew exactly who did it (evidently witch often complained to dad that his girls' hair was way too long and needed to be cut). He took friend to the salon and thankfully they were able to give her a nice shag/pixie cut. Witch Jr. was openly furious that friend looked great with her new haircut. Dad filed for divorce the next day and kicked witch and her kids to the curb. Messy divorce but well worth the $$$.
Kudos to the dad for having his girls’ back!!
Great 😊 story! Dad was justified and got rid of wicked wife, step kids in one fell swoop! Yay!😁
As a tomboy who wasn't allowed to cut my hair short as a kid and finally did it as an adult, let me first say thank you so much for being so supportive of your daughter getting the hairstyle she wanted. You are not remotely the asshole, but your wife 100% is. Please continue to be firm. If your daughter is hearing your wife speaking negatively about her appearance, she needs to also be hearing you defend her. I'm normally a proponent of presenting a united front to the kids, but not when one of the parents is insulting a child. If your wife can't shut the F up about it, that would become a "you are no longer to be in my child's presence" situation. Tell your daughter that she's a badass who looks amazing. NTA
Thanks for saying that about daughter needs to hear dad defending her. I agree absolutely. Might help mitigate some of the damage done by that woman. What is up with hating short hair? Is it some kind of anti-feminism thing?
My oldest girl has such curly hair that she buzzed it! She loves it. Naturally curly hair is not uniform and she hates fussing with it. She’s beautiful. And she doesn’t care about that. She’s so cool. OP’s spouse is determined to give the girl anxiety about her appearance. That’s never good for a young girl - or anyone.
A great deal of the time it's rooted in either sexism, homophobia, or both.
More a homophobia thing, unfortunately
Hair is gendered. It can be related to mom's anxiety Bout her daughter being gay or trans, among other less serious concerns. Some moms just think they own their children and get offended when their kids begin asserting their bodily autonomy.
NTA. The only person whose opinion matters on your daughter's hair style is your daughter. She's 14, not 4. Your wife seriously needs to get a check on her comments and behavior.
NTA. Your wife needs to calm down. Your daughter is 14 and old enough to select her own hair styles. If she is happy with it, that's all that matters. Your wife sounds incredibly materialistic.
Not just materialistic,possessive of daughters hair and objectifying of daughter. She's angry as if daughter vandalised wife's ornament.
Absolutely. At 14, I would only intervene if it was going to violate the school dress code. Or maybe, something extreme like shaving one side. Hair grows fast and it's her body.
Just curious- what is extreme about shaving one side? It's fairly common nowadays. As you said, it'll grow back even if she would have to maybe transition to a puxie cut and then continue growing it out if she changed her mind.
I'm increasingly convinced about the panic from women about girls cutting their hair short is a badly disguised "oh no! Maybe she's a lesbian!!!!!!" panic. NTA and people need to stop getting their panties in a twist about girls cutting their hair short
Gay or trans panic was one of my secondary thoughts here, after a very long moment of just, “yo…wtf”
Dang I didn’t realize it was code. I see lesbians everywhere! Like even all the old ladies I know. Even my neighbors! Lesbians all over the place
Lesbians are badass, especially the queer elders 😎
NTA I'm not sure what's going on with your wife here. She has some odd hangups about hair.
Short hair, tomboy. Wife might be afraid she's dealing with a.....gasp.....gay. Wife needs to smarten the hell up before shit gets serious; she needs to get her head on straight. Good for you getting your daughter the haircut she wanted.
When I cut my hair super short my dad asked me if I was gay. My family always made it clear that they didn’t care if any of us were gay, ofc. I was like yeah dad, but that’s not why I cut my hair. I think half of my mom’s church also assumed I was gay because of the hair. It’s crazy how prevalent the idea is.
I went to college in the midwest back in the 80s, and there were quite a few people who thought that short hair + attitude = lesbian. I wasn't a lesbian but had short hair and an attitude, and I also never wore skirts or dresses because I'd had my fill after so many years of Catholic school uniform skirts. It wasn't until a couple years later I finally realized why I didnt' have many boyfriends in college.
Or she is afraid the daughter may identify as a son or simply child in the future. That's the vibe I got. NTA
Maybe OP is actually a time traveller and met his new wife in 1952. Actually no, short hair was popular in women then too.
1852
You need to be very clear with your wife that she needs to drop it. Her being disapproving is messing with your daughter’s self esteem. It is shameful that she would make a big deal over hair. it’s shallow. Your daughter is a lot more than her hair or makeup or anything else. Your wife is very petty and I wouldn’t put up with it. Your daughter is old enough to decide what she wants to do with her hair. Your wife has NO RIGHT to be shaming her
NTA - your wife sounds more concerned with her OWN image, rather than your daughter's happiness. Why should your daughter's choice of hair style affect her so much?
"ruined her image"?? What is she on about? What image? Is Daughter a child star? What "image" does a 14yo girl have that a *pixie cut* will ruin?
A 14 year old girl has "Self image" and that will be ruined by evil step mother through this bullying.
True. Too bad that's not what she was banging on about. Because she has the self-awareness of a flea.
NTA. My mom wouldn't let me have short hair. I got it cut short in college a little under 10 years ago and have never let it grow back out. I truly dislike long hair and can't even stand my hair touching the bottom of my neck now. If your daughter wants it short she should have it short. It's not like she asked to start drinking or something.
That's another thing I brought up to my wife that it's just hair. It's not a big deal. I think that was the biggest issue for my daughter was it touching her shoulders. She also hated how long it took to blow-dry. I think my wife has that view that women need to have long hair because her hair is long.
Yeah. For what it's worth - I do think you should sit down one on one with your wife and figure out why it matters to her so much. Maybe there's something in her past or something dumb that's making her have a strong opinion on hair.
I think for a lot of women, if a daughter cuts her hair short then she's on the fast track to becoming a lesbian. Not true, just an irrational belief.
well if she thinks all that, that’s a much bigger problem. Like, that’s a divorce-worthy statement right there
I mean, I know anecdotes aren’t proof or anything, but personally… I wasn’t queer at all until I cut my hair to cheek length. It’s a good thing I didn’t go any higher, or I’d be full gay instead of just half! ^(/s. just in case.)
> I think my wife has that view that women need to have long hair because her hair is long. Umm what? Is she 5??
Tell Mother Gothel to back off.
I had to bury my face in my pillow so I didn't startle the dogs and my sleeping spouse because I BUSTED out laughing at this. Just imagining the wife clinging to the scraggles of hair from the salon 🤣🤣🤣
my son is 5! yes, i make sure he’s sure but i let him have autonomy with his hair. surely your daughter at 14 is wayyyy more sure than my 5 year old. There are so many ppl who can’t grow hair at all or back. Your wife is being silly especially since your daughter was so happy! your daughter sounds badass! women with pixie cuts are my idols because i can’t seems to bite the bullet! NTA keep being an awesome dad!
NTA I honestly don't understand a mother's obsession with a daughter's hair length once the daughter is old enough to express a desire to have a certain length of hair. At this point, the step-mom's concerns about being a bad step-mom is coming true by being overly attached to OP's daughter's hair.
Yeah this is some weird abusive behavior.
NTA, and hair grows back, but if wife keeps pushing it, she'll get to see what a *really* short haircut looks like on a girl.
When the daughter sneaks in shaves stepmom’s head in the middle of the night? Pix plz
I suspect there’s more to it for your wife than what’s on the surface. Maybe she feels left out. Maybe she feels insecure in the role she plays with your daughter since it’s not her biological child. I don’t think your the AH but maybe take a step back and see if there’s more to it.
I definitely will have a talk with my wife and my daughter separately.
Your daughter knows you have her back and she will always remember it. Good job dad.
But the focus shouldn’t be on the wife making the daughter’s haircut about her. Her self victimization should not overshadow her making derogatory comments to the point your daughter is visibly depressed. Even if she has strong feelings she’s a grown adult vs a child with a still developing self image also what she did was inappropriate and that point should not be glossed over.
Please ask her what in tarnation she meant with "image," and how short hair is bad for a girl. No, but seriously, what image?! Does she mean she thinks your daughter now looks, idk, gay? And is that a bad thing? What image does a 14 year old even have? Or is it because she feels even less connected to your daughter, because I guess most mothers would be present if their daughter changed their hair so dramatically. But your daughter is 14. If she wants to have her hair a certain way, and it's not against school regulation (some schools are weird about "unnatural" colours), then her say should be the only say. She is 14, not 4. **But seriously. Image?!?!!!?**
Good Grief. Why is a haircut a hill to die on for your wife? NTA, but your wife has issues.
NTA. Please give your wife the chance to learn from my mother's mistakes. It started with making disapproving comments about my short hair as a teen. It continued and continued, on various topics, to the point of making disapproving comments about my lesbian marriage as an adult. It has ended in estrangement, 4 years and counting. Your daughter will do things your wife doesn't approve of or wouldn't have chosen for herself. If your wife doesn't support your daughter's right to live her own life, and celebrate things that make her happy, not only is there a good chance she ends up cut off and you end up in the middle, more importantly she will break your daughter's heart. Hopefully this is a wake up call and this is the last time she responds like this. Wishing the three of you all the best together.
I’m sorry that happened to you. I don’t understand the attitude at all 😞
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>asking why I allowed daughter to cut all her hair cut off *Allowed*? I thought she was 14, not **four**. It's *hair*, it grows back. I think we know who was the asshole here.
“Very long hair down to her shoulders”? NTA, and your daughter should be able to do whatever she wants to her own hair, but shoulder length hair is medium length at most lol
NTA Your daughter is is child. She doesn’t and shouldn’t have an “image.” Your wife needs to get over herself.
NTA, and thanks for advocating for her. I had a pixie cut as a teenager and for some reason lots of people are really weird about young girls making the decision to not have long hair. It’s awesome that her dad is in her corner. Her feelings about her hair are all that matter and the great thing about hair is that nothing is permanent, so if she changes her mind she can go back to how her hair was before. I think you should have a serious talk with your wife because while not everyone will have the same experiences I do, hearing negative comments from family members about my hair choices when I was a teenager really hurt me and have negatively affected relationships I have to this day
NTA- I think you could have talked over the decision with your wife beforehand to make it better? However, based on the way your wife reacted I don't think her issue is you didn't consult her, but more that your daughter doesn't look the way your wife wants her to look. Your daughter is old enough to make her own decisions, no you did not permanently mutilate your daughter, you can be very pretty with short hair, and you got your daughter a nice haircut (god knows I've cut my own bangs only for them to turn out horrendously). Hair is never that deep, and getting upset over it really isn't worth it- NTA once again. :))
Yeah this is wild to me. I have had every length of hair. I'm not attached to it at all. I have never cried when it's cut (I know some people do and there's nothing wrong with that) and I've gone from shoulder length to short in one haircut. The stylist even checked to make sure I was okay with the change. I pointed to her hair (it was shorter than what I was wanting) and told her mine used to look like that, chop it off. It felt amazing getting rid of it. Even now I have an undercut with just the top long, and I've got so much hair that when it's down you can't tell the rest is practically shaved. I like it and that's all that matters. No one else has to manage my hair so they get no say. This Mom is wild for making it a big deal.
NTA. It seems to be that your daughter is a substitute daughter for the daughter that your wife wanted to have (doing girlie things they could bond over). She is struggling with the idea of loosing this image of this picture perfect image of the daughter/stepdaughter. It is not about the hair I think but about what it represents. She probably feels also hurt that she was not included in the conversation (which she did not need to since it is not her hair), because she see your daughter has hers too, and not being included might feel like a reminder that she is not mum. Of course she could also be projecting her own self and wanted to live through your daughter (being popular for example and this is why image is so important). However those are issues for your wife to discuss with a therapist. In any case, you need to have a serious talk with your wife (cold shoulder will never resolve anything). You need to be clear to her that she is damaging her relationship with your daughter and yourself. You can mention the fact that it might not be just about the hair and you are happy to talk and listen. However, in the main time you won't tolerate comments, or other negatives behaviour towards your daughter, and that you expect her to apologise to your daughter for the way she reacted. I would also point out that there are a lot of famous celebrities with pixie cut! I would also talk to your daughter and explain that she has done nothing wrong and that the problem is with your wife and your wife only (she probably feels that the love of her stepmother is conditional in doing what your wife wants, which is particularly cruel after her own mum rejected her). That what truly matter is what she thinks of herself and as far as you are concerned she is an amazing girl who look great with a pixie cut.
NTA. This may come as a great shock to your wife, but hair grows back. The damage your wife is doing to your daughter by having an aggressively negative reaction to daughter's choice will have lasting effects on her confidence and well-being (ask me how I know). What your wife is doing is much bigger than not liking a haircut. P.s. I had a pixie cut for the better part of my adult life and got nothing but compliments on it.
NTA. Parents need to realize letting a child choose a haircut is the *easiest* form of self-expression you can allow your child. She didn't damage it by using a bunch of product or anything, it's just a style. It. Grows. Back. I hope the wife isn't as controlling in all other aspects as she seems to be here.
YNTA, your wife is.
I'll go with NTA although I don't like the "giving her the cold shoulder" part. But good for you sticking up to your daughter. She's allowed to wear her hair like she wants and *create her own image* not the one your wif wants. Simple as that. Even if none of that was true.... It's just hair for christ sake. Even if she'd gone and gotten herself a pikachu picture razored and died in her hair, it's just hair, it'll grow back.
NTA. it’s HER hair, not a doll’s. your daughter’s hair will grow back; your wife’s reaction’s what’ll be causing lasting damage
NTA. My gut feeling is that with your daughter being a tomboy and now cutting her hair off, that your wife is jumping to the conclusion that she may be a lesbian or have some sort of gender issues. Some parents take those things in stride pretty well, and we all know others do not. I grew up in an environment somewhat like that where my mom wanted me to be a lot more girly than I was. I was a huge tomboy, and wore almost all men's clothes. She didn't want me or my sister to cut our hair short. I always wanted long hair and still do (I'd flip if I had to cut it!), but my sister (who had amazing super long hair) cut it short pretty early on. I probably gave her as much crap as my mom did (of course now I know I shouldn't have but I just COULD NOT understand). And I admit I'd be super bummed if my niece cut her hair short, but the difference is I would not say that to her or in front of her. While I genuinely don't like short hair on 90% of females, I also wouldn't insult someone for it. It's not my choice how they should have their hair done!
NTA. it's not her hair, she needs to get over it. i have a pixie cut and neither of my parents like it. i'm an adult, though. i can't imagine getting a pixie while still in their care and having to hear about it
NTA Your daughter is her own person. If she wanted to shave herself bald and paint her head like an eightball it's her right. Your wife is projecting her image of what your daughter should or should not be, or just downright projecting all femininity as long hair.
My dad loved short hair on all of us kids because it was more efficient! He hated having to wait for people to get ready. My mom had short hair, too. Now I’m in my 60s, and wear it shoulder length.
My daughter loves the cut. Quick shower and blow dry. She plays soccer, and it will be easier for her to play without having to put her hair up in a ponytail.
Main reason I keep my hair short. It’s doesn’t get in the way of my athletic activities and minimal care to maintain my curls I don’t understand why your wife is upset or harassing your daughter about her hair Is she afraid your daughter will stop having spa days with her or something? Your wife doesn’t have to like the haircut but she needs to be civil about it It’s never good when a grown adult bullies a child about her looks Is your wife still behaving awful about the haircut?