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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I correctly assumed that the larger bra belonged to the girl with the larger boobs
(2) this may make me the asshole because its creepy and unnecessary sexualisation apparently
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I mean If it was a different cup size than the both of them then it would be a bigger problem right? Like a third friend's bra and it would need to go back to the original owner and it was a lucky break that it was indeed the roommate's.
You are funny as hell. I have tig ol' bitties and that didn't bother me at all. If it had been a pair of shoes that didn't fit, you would have said the same thing. Although, they night have accused you of having a foot fetish. Now that is some Cinderella shit
I don’t know why why OP would know what the size of the friend was. But it is normal you know the size of your gf is and recognize that a bra is not her size so it therefore must be the friend’s.
You don’t have to know someone’s size to be able to tell that a bra doesn’t fit them??
If someone looks at me vs my mom, then at a bra on the bed, it’d be pretty fucking obvious *without knowing our sizes* who it does/doesn’t belong to
Ol girl a double D, gf clearly… isn’t
Edit: those of you commenting how others can’t tell - how dense are you? If you see a saucer and a bowl on the counter, the difference is obvious
To you ladies “trying” to educate me on how sizing works, I don’t need your help? I know I’m a 34DD who also can wear a 32DDD, but if necessary a 36D. At the end of the day, all these Ds are still obviously bigger than any A, jfc
for me the issue isn’t that he was able to tell, it’s the unprompted announcement of “this is an E cup bra, this isn’t yours babe”
have a little discretion ffs
If they cared that much then why have him over to help pack and move, why didn’t they already sort through all of their undergarments, etc
Clearly they had no issue with him helping but apparently opening his mouth to state something factual is creepy, bffr 😂
If you’re gonna be that sensitive over it, then do it your damn self
Exactly. I don’t think he’s an AH but he could’ve just said this isn’t yours gf and handed it to friend. Tbh I think him going through the underwear is just setting himself up for failure; the women could’ve done it on their own if they were sensitive about it
Yeah. I too blurt out most of my thoughts. At some point editing before speaking is preferred. Of course a male of my generation would have come with an unsolicited joke but then we would be upset at the joke and the unwanted calling attention to boobs bc you’re supposed to notice but never speak of them! You’re not to ever be noticed noticing them! They are magical clouds after all.
When it's written on the label, as it always is, no problem. The problem is that almost nobody understands bra sizing. A 38D, 40C, and 42B all have the same amount of breast tissue. It's only the frame size that changes. The cup size is determined by the difference between the frame and breast; hence the problem. There's a greater difference between the 38 and the 42 making the cup size different despite the amount of tissue. So unless there was a question about the frame size, it wouldn't be easy to determine at a glance. Although an E cup at any frame size will be easy to recognize.
I went from a 32B to a 28 E when I got properly sized. These bras are not huge and do not obviously look "E". The problem is that people assume D is large and anything higher is massive.
Mmhmm. I'm 48D or 46DD depending on how much I like breathing that day, and in reality, the "large" size is offset by my frame being large too. I'd need to push into H cup range minimum to look like what people seem to think a DD is.
This! I (41f) never got correctly sized for a bra until I was in my early 30’s. I had been wearing a 34B for so long thinking it was my size. When I got sized, I’m a 34DD. I was shocked because I always thought that meant large boobs! I couldn’t believe it. Then I tried it on and I was so upset with myself for wearing the wrong size for the majority of my adult life!
While you are correct, in this instance it's not really about actual measurements though. If he knows his girlfriend is one size, and the bra he picked up was another, then it was either an old bra (if girlfriend had changed sizes) or, by process of elimination, was someone else's bra.
Very true, I appear to have boobs on the smaller side (and I do) but I actually have a bigger cup size than one would think because my rib cage is very small. I’m a 28DD, which is the same volume as a 32C, but most people hear DD and think big boobs
He doesn’t have to know her cup size.
- He knew the cup size of the bra he picked up because he was holding the bra and could see the cup size.
- He knew it was a bigger cup size than his girlfriend because he’s dating her and has seen her breasts before.
- He also knew there were 2 women living in the house so if it wasn’t his girlfriend’s by a simple process of elimination it was more than likely to be her house mate’s.
Thats enough information to say ‘this is an E cup, it’s not yours, it belongs to x’. They’re calling him creepy for using basic logic without any sexualisation at all.
If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck... if the bra was too big for his gf and her roommates more endowed in the area, it was a safe assumption, to which he said he assumed.
I don't get the big deal either, but women will be women, I guess.
As someone with K cups, its pretty obvious which bras are mine and which are my c cup sister's. It's just a fact and if it was just you guys, and you're ACTIVELY HELPING THEM CLEAN THEIR MESSY HOUSE, it should be a nonissue to place things where they belong.
It’s not the fact that you assumed it was hers, it was that you said out loud “E cup”. To a lot of people that’s just gonna sound strange. I don’t know why you’re acting like this was your only valid option to return the bra. For example:
“hey babe, this doesn’t look like one of yours” or better yet “hey babe, is this yours?”
Both would have gotten the bra returned equally efficiently and would have sounded less awkward.
Nothing to judge just People being sensitive about normal things. I do the same with boxer shorts when my mum brings them to me. "I'm not an XL, this is your bf's". Never heard a complaint from either.
The better response in this situation, (if you needed to handle the bra situation at all) was to say, oh is this x’s bra? And then hand it off. The way you worded it was weird.
I say NTA. When living with family my grandmother asked if a bra downstairs was mine or someone else's - the two other people in the house were small breasted and small framed. I saw the bra and went back to her, laughing, and said - "how could you possibly wonder if that was mine? next time you're not sure, put it on your head! If it fits, it's mine." I came home some days/weeks later and she started giggling and told me she tried it and, yes, my bra did fit on her head. 🤣 After hearing that story on a family vacation two of my cousins then tried it. Together. I have a picture.
Personally, I think it would have been better to say, "I don't think this is yours." I think maybe the roommate was icked that you were looking so closely at her chest that you determined her cup size. The noticing isn't the issue, it was the kinda creepy way to said it. So soft YTA
I’m a large chested woman so I guess I’m qualified to answer this and I agree with your gf it’s weird. It’s not weird you grabbed it, it’s not weird you were able to deduce whose it was, not weird to give it to the friend, it’s weird you announced the size out loud. It was a weird way to word it, especially if other people were in the house helping.
Large chest here too. No, it’s super weird to bother to go into such detail. Why did he even look at the tag to see the size- comes off as being curious to know her exact size. He should have just tossed it her way and said, this one doesn’t look like yours. Or something simple like that. He DEFINITELY brought attention to her size the way he said it.
Probably didn’t mean to be weird, but it was weird none the less- thus BOTH women feeling grossed out by it.
You're way too nit picky. You're thinking so deep about it when it's not that deep. He checked the size cos he probably already knew his girlfriend's size and was stating that it's definitely not hers. He was helping her clear out the shit faster what's the problem
Nah- if it was just the girlfriend upset I might think it is an insecurity thing- but when both women thought it was weird I’m more inclined to believe he made the situation uncomfortable with how he handled it. Again, the way he writes I don’t think he intended it to be that way- but I think it was. Simple apology would be nice.
“Sorry guys- I thought I was being helpful, didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable”
Do you base all your decisions on how many people react poorly to something? Seems weird that your answer would be different based on who was made uncomfortable.
I'm pretty sure OP was just going through the logic of determining where the bra goes.
Did everyone here forget why OP was there in the first place?
This is a dumb thing to be offended about.
If you want to exist harmoniously in society you do base your decisions on how people will react. It’s why manners, social norms and customs exist. I feel for people like the OP who don’t understand all of the social rules, but if they don’t want people to be perpetually mad at them they have to be willing to apologize when they act improperly and cause offense.
Do you base all of your decisions on going against the grain? It was weird. It made people uncomfortable. Apologize and move on. It’s great they were helping, that doesn’t mean they get a free pass to make things weird without apologizing, even if it was an accident (which I’m sure it was).
As a dude, I think it's weird to go into specifics. Since it's unnecessary, it does come off as though he is trying to make some sort of comparison or snide comment.
To me it just seems like he ran through the logic out loud. I can see myself approaching it the same way. Especially when assisting in moving I’d be running through problems the same way, just mentally.
Find bra. Need to assess where it goes, size check. This is an E, belongs to roommate 2. In his shoes this would be done in my head, I’d hand it over to roommate and say this is probably yours.
If they have a problem with at that point, *I’d* be annoyed. And ask, if you’re uncomfortable with this why am I helping you go through your closet. What do you want me to help you with instead? I’m just here trying to help.
They’re removing the context of him helping with the move and making it seem like he’s digging through their laundry for fun.
I’m on OP side.
One step further. If I’m helping someone move, I should just be moving boxes/furniture to a van. And back out into the new location.
The sort and box stage should have been done the day before
Maybe the tag was prominent, or he knows his gf size and wanted to sort it.
IMO he's doing the opposite of sexualizing the bra. He literally treated it like any other piece of clothing.
It's weird to announce the size regardless of the type of clothing in my opinion. Like it's one thing to say to gf, "This isn't yours, must be Friend's!" but to say, "This is size 12/Smedium/XX, so it must be Friend's!" is weird.
I don't know if you've live in the real world or not, but it is very common to read the size and mention it when giving it back to someone. Happened to me at a camp, my shirt got mixed up with someone else's and he said "oh, this is an xl. Think this is your shirt" and tossed it to me. And that's not the only time. Completely normal, you're looking way to deep into this.
If there’s an obvious difference in size looking at the tag seems unlikely no matter what the garment is. Yet clearly there is a difference when talking about body parts that are considered private.
Condoms “hey these magnum condoms aren’t your size, they must belong to your roommate” also seems awkward.
I fully agree. I have a large chest, but no I do not advertise my cup size and I would thank my friend’s bf to do the same, much less in a way that brings attention to his gf’s size too. The sentiment wasn’t wrong in this situation, but the phrasing was slightly uncomfortable.
I'm also a woman who has had a lifetime of people creepily commenting on my bra size and I agree with you. If he did it out of no where that's creepy. If you're a slob and someone is nice enough to clean up your underwear for you, then be grateful because gross.
Why was the roommates bra in her room if she didn't want anyone to see it, pack up things you don't want people to see. Also yes some bras display their sizes in huge letters and numbers. This is such a little thing to be so upset about unless there's a history of creepy behavior.
Yup. Some of us just get really tired of our boob size being commented on, or compared to other people's. And only RARELY is there a valid reason for anyone to do so. This was not one of those times.
But while people here are arguing over whether it's weird or not, the only people whose opinions matter in this particular instance are the women he said it to. And what OP is really the asshole for is "strongly disagreeing" with their experience. They told him it came off as creepy. "Sorry, didn't mean it to be!" would've been an okay response. But claiming that he knows better than they do how they should feel about it is very deep into Asshole territory.
>the only people whose opinions matter in this particular instance are the women he said it to. A
You heard it here first guys. Gotta shut the sub down because only the specific people in the situation have opinions that matter.
It's been a good run but that makes this sub pointless.
>And what OP is really the asshole for is "strongly disagreeing" with their experience. They told him it came off as creepy.
Oh, shut the fuck up. If somebody calls me a creep for no reason and I tell them to shove it up their ass, guess what? They are still the asshole. Their "experience" can kick fucking rocks.
NTA. Your brain works like oh it's x and girlfriend is y. So it must be roommates. It doesn't matter what the numbers are or what the item is. It was the identifier of difference for you in the moment. Why does everyone gotta make stuff weird. It isn't sexual till you make it sexual. Weirdos
I don’t think the issue is noticing or thinking it.
It’s basically letting an “inside thought” leave your mouth.
There are like 100 different ways to solve this problem without making women uncomfortable, which, even he’s NTA, he did.
I’m lowkey stressed OP is gonna confront them like “Reddit said you were wrong to feel uncomfortable by my comment, apology please”
If someone was helping me pick up shirts and found a L and they said “well that can’t be yours since you’re bigger than a Large,” I wouldn’t be offended, because I wear 2XL. How is it not the same for bras? People need to grow up.
But *why* did OP feel the need to announce the cup size?! I mean…who does that? I mean if it’s just the three of them, OP already knows it isn’t theirs, and it obviously doesn’t belong to their flat-chested friend…why announce “This is a huge bra with huge cups. Has to belong to you, Big Breasted Buddy.” WTF?
Because it's normal? Whenever sorting clothes and you know one isn't yours then you read the label. You say the size in case you're wrong and it's actually someone else's, it's easier for them to tell knowing the size. If my friend said "hey, I think these pants are yours" I would first ask "what size are they?" To be sure. Saying the size cuts thats step out. It's not weird and it doesn't need to be a problem. I've had shirts mixed up at a boy scout camp and my friend said "this shirt is xl, I think it's yours" and handed it to me, and I knew it was mine because that is my size. Simple, easy, and quick. Not a problem.
Bras can be deceptive. You pick it up, not sure what size it is. Check the label, it's a ??E. You know your gf is a ??B. You know the difference because of the cup size.
Could he have just gone, 'hey this is yours', sure. But it's pretty common when sorting things out to add your reasoning behind it. I was sorting out socks with my son the other day and announced 'no those are your brother's, he has the blue stripe'. No different unless you consider a clothing size inerently sexual. Which it's not.
Agreed. I’m a large chested lady and if you just stated it as fact then there is no sexualization going on. If you stuck it on your head and danced around while sing songing “I know who this belongs to” then that would be inappropriate but still not necessarily sexualization (it’s actually hilarious when a drunk friend does it- ask me how I know). Ask your girlfriend if they would be upset if you could tell whose shoes were whose by the size and style or if they’d accuse you of being a foot fetishist. Sounds like they made it sexual. Now it may have embarrassed or made the friend uncomfortable but then she should’ve had her things put away
NTA This actually pissed me off. You’re over there helping them pack, their undergarments are all over the place, and then they jump to ‘creepy sexualization’?
That’s bullshit, no matter how awkwardly worded it was.
yeah I think “creepy sexualization” is a bit too far but I do completely agree with everything in the post before that, and I completely understand why it made the women uncomfortable.
I don’t think any malice was intended, more of a faux pas, but I totally get why the friend in particular was uncomfortable that dude basically just announced “I know your boob size, here’s your bra”. It’s just such a classic “what I should have said was nothing” situation - what good comes from making this comment unprompted?!?!
It’s not like OP’s girlfriend asked “oh, is that my bra?”, dude just basically picked it up and said “this isn’t your bra, and here’s how I know”
You’ve got to also consider that for the friend, any sort of comment about her breasts is probably something she’s sensitive too as someone with E cups has undoubtedly been dealing with creepy comments ever since she was a teenager
Then maybe they shouldn’t invite a male to help pack when there are bras all over the floor.
Bc it can’t make someone uncomfortable while they also put that person in the position to begin with. It literally can’t be both.
Ps - I wouldn’t like my friend’s bf touching my bras. So I get that. And because of that, I’d sort that kind of stuff myself.
Seriously lol
My mom came to help me move out like last month. Guess what!? I packed all the sex toys and lingerie BEFORE she got there. Because of this exact reason!
If you don’t want people to know/talk about something, then don’t have them mess with it!
I'm with you. I don't think OP is an AH here, but I bet the friend's gut reaction was, "wtf why does he know my bra size? what a creep." Even though he knows his gf's bra size, he knows that E isn't hers, it's not a difficult process of elimination.
I don't think OP did anything wrong and I think the gf and friend need to drop it. But I can see why OP's phrasing might have thrown them off in the moment.
If what you’re assuming is true i think they’re the AHs then. The entitlement to have someone clean up your underwear itself is already crazy to begin with, much less assuming someone to be a creep for having common sense.
> I bet the friend's gut reaction was, "wtf why does he know my bra size? what a creep."
That thought process says far more about the roommate than it would OP.
Soooo, the invite should have been "come help two women sort through their mixed up undergarments, but observe nothing and SAY NOTHING." He did nothing wrong except when he walked into this trap.
I can see it being weird if gf was a DD and the friend was an E. Knowing the difference that closely might be weird.
But if it's "big vs small" then I don't see how it can be weird at all.
> Knowing the difference that closely might be weird.
If he knows his girlfriend buys size D bras, he wouldn't need to know the difference that closely, just that his girlfriend buy's D bras.
I think it's weird to be so entitled you're mad at someone nice enough to pack your gross floor underwear. I wouldn't even ask my husband to do that. This honestly pisses me off there's so many women defending the gf without even knowing if they asked why he made that comment. Maybe he was just thinking out loud. But sure their feelings mean more right.
Yep. They made it weird, not him.
My sister lived with me and my husband for years. Both me and sis wear the same size clothes and have mostly black wardrobes. Only difference: sis is 34A, I'm 34E, so the first time he switched some laundry so he could run a load, he asked. It was my sister's, so I grabbed one of my bras to show him the difference and all 3 of us had a good chuckle.
NTA and GF/Roomie need to get over it. They're bras... not sex toys
>no matter how awkwardly worded it was.
I mean, if he was all "bae, yo' titties are, at best, American fluffy pancakes, this must belong to the bitch in the next room with jumbo picnic style watermelons" it might be a problem...
Hmm. Weird one.
I'm gonna go with NTA. If they were worried about sexualizing underwear, they should have cleaned their apartment before you got there. How would they have reacted if you just held it up and say 'who's is this'?
NTA - but in the future, maybe be more discreet.
Or even saying "This doesn't look like yours (I've never seen you in it), whose is this?" Specifying the size and identifying who is that size sounds a bit like "noticing someone else's boobs," so I get why they didn't take it so kindly (even though OP's intentions were honest).
But EVERYTHING can be taken the wrong way. What about your suggestion? Someone looking to be offended might ask you who you think you are to accuse her like that? She’s not your little sex puppet! Is she obligated to parade before you in every piece of lingerie to make sure you’ve “seen her in it?”
They don’t have to grow a pair, but they could at least grow up.
NTA OP
I forgot that since OP doesn't live with gf, he probably only sees her bra during sexy times and not casually while dressing in the morning or hanging from the clothesline.
And 100% they both own the same colour bra.
So, what's the plan then? It really isn't that big deal mentioning size at all. Especially when the man's cleaning up their shite.
Ok, but if mentioning the size of an item makes one a creepy sexualizer, mentioning it’s black would probably make them declare OP to be a member of the kkk.
You missed the silent cue where they wanted you to say "oh I found a tiny piece of dainty unmentionables, I daren't touch or gaze upon it, so you will have to discuss the question of its belonging amongst yourselves lest I have a stray thought about the type of body that it might fit."
LOL at an E-cup sized bra being called "tiny and dainty." Probably closer to well-constructed scaffolding but I'm sure they would have had some problem with that comment too.
OP, you didn't do anything wrong, next time, just chuck it on the bed and move along. You're a real one helping the two of them get all their shit packed up though.
> I picked up a bra, I said "this is an E cup, its not yours, it belongs to x",
I mean, that is a pretty weird thing to announce like that. If you were sure, why did it need announcing? Did you announce every other piece of clothing or stuff as well? Or did you intend to phrase it as a question? In which case why announce the bra size? They can see it's rather large without knowing the cup size, so ''Hey i think this is yours, right?'' Would've been fine.
So yeah, slight YTA. I'd be weirded out why you're even checking the bra size in the first place, moreso why you feel the need to loudly announce it. Either it could've been stated as a question, or you didn't need to say anything. And bra size label didn't need to come into it at all.
I’m not saying it’s not an awkward sentence but like clean up your shit if you don’t want the people you’ve conscripted to clean up your shit asking clarifying questions or making clarifying statements
“How dare you check the bra size when organizing laundry to tell whose bra it is!” Listen to yourself lmao
You can invite someone over to clean but also if they find something that’s a bit personal, you can reasonably expect that they won’t pry and just alert you about it.
You're misrepresenting what happened. I even suggested saying ''this is probably yours''.
Its the ''this is an E cup. This does not belong to you! It belongs to x!" Thing that is weird. It's not just reading the label, but then also proudly announcing it, and not making it a question either but a statement.
Any statement like that is awkward as fuck. ''These pants are size 15. This does not belong to you, it belongs go X!'' Would be just as akward.
Just act like a normal being, say ''this is probably yours right?'' And don't do this weird announcement stuff.
Obviously, and sometimes something can be kind of awkward and unnecessary and you’re still acting ridiculous if you act like they’re an asshole over misspeaking while cleaning your shit for you
Can you quote what gave you the impression he “proudly” announced it, or why you added in “!” To all his words to paint him as aggressive or shouting when nothing gave that impression? Oh, made up? Thought so
Easiest NTA ever.
This is... Wild. And who suggested it was said with pride? This person was directly asked to help sort through this stuff, if you have expectations around the etiquette of sorting clothes then do it yourself. If you're so hyper sensitive to size then do it yourself.
It would also be weird or rude to announce here's your "SIZE TRIPLE X L" GRANNY PANTIES they're definitely not my girlfriends.
Just...describe them some other way? Idk
Imagine if a woman was helping clean out her BFs apartment and found a box of magnum condoms and was all HEY BOYFRIEND I KNOW THESE AREN'T YOURS CAUSE LOLTINYCOCK, SO I ASSUME THESE ARE YOUR ROOMMATES?
^Idon'tknow,itjustamusedmeasananalogue.
Yeah, like... tact is a thing. Being factually correct does not mean it's a thing that should be said. "Pretty sure this is yours" or "Here's a bra" and handing it over would have completely avoided the question of 'is this dude going to go through all our undergarments so that he can know he's right."
NTA
You’re literally sorting through their stuff at their request.
If they feel uncomfortable having you acknowledge their bras, they shouldn’t have them out for you to sort through while you’re helping them.
Dramatic nonsense on the part of your friends. Very immature.
This is the comment I was looking for!
Both girls are TA for the way they're treating someone who is helping them after they have both been giant slobs. If they didn't want him dealing with their unmentionables, they had several options. All of those options involve them dealing with their own mess in at least some way.
He wasn't being rude or creepy, and if they don't want his help, he should leave them to it.
NTA
... slightly YTA I supose. I also have a larger chest. It's easy to tell if a bra is mine or my sister's... but "I think this is X's" would be less weird and without the ick/creep factor as calling out the bra size and saying who it belongs too. It's just a bit more invasive. I'd feel uncomfortable.
I definitely couldn’t tell the difference between a 38DD and a 36E by sight alone. That and the fact bra types vary so a E cup balcony looks different from an E cup sports or an E cup minimiser etc.
YTA. Why announce anything? Why were you looking at the cup size? This comes across as creepy. You didn't need to look at the size, hold it up, or make an announcement. I find that so bizarre. Are you checking panty sizes and holding those up too? This just feels creepy.
Mixed clothes, checking sizes, probably a bit easier than asking about specific ‘do you own this’ especially in the face of glaring differences, assuming he knows the size of his gf’s tits. Any other conclusion is kinda stupid.
ah yes, asking your partner “is this your bra?” is just too difficult, instead I’ll just announce “this bra isn’t yours, it’s a E cup!” and make women uncomfortable
to me what makes it uncomfortable is just like, the lack of social awareness. It’s less that he saw and touched her bra and more that he just didn’t realize “announcing your GF’s friend’s cup size isn’t really how you should handle this”
So you want him to do that with every article of clothing as to not offend anyone? Why even have him over to help then if he has to silently pause and have them approve each article of clothing?
But still, why put him in a situation they find uncomfortable. They put him in a no win. Everything short of denying to help initially would have made him an AH in their eyes when he inevitable came across that article of clothing.
I'd probably start checkin tags too if I was helping clean and discovered a treasure trove of probably-not-their-own underwear, why the fuck is it even there lol, just give it back if you aren't being a weirdo with it
I'm not sure you get to agree or disagree about whether you offended ppl who are directly telling you how they feel? You clearly made them uncomfortable... don't die on this hill.
being made uncomfortable doesn't mean you're justified in that feeling. some people need to get over themselves and be made aware that they're being ridiculous
He's saying he disagrees that he "came off as creepy", when objectively he did bc the ppl in the room were creeped out. It doesn't matter whether you agree with their feelings, they told him they were creeped out so there's no room for the idea that they weren't.
Right. They felt that way, but it was unreasonable.
People can feel a certain way because of what someone says or does, but that does not mean that those feelings are reasonable or that the action was wrong. People can be offended that a woman takes birth control. Or they can be upset that a white dude wears dreadlocks. I don't doubt that people have those feelings. But they are not reasonable. And the actions that made them feel that way were not problematic.
That's not how social relationships work. If you accidentally creep out your gf and her friend, you say "sorry, didn't mean it that way". You do not say "actually my opinion matters more than your feelings, I will keep talking about your friends boobs if I feel like it, I don't respect you as a person and I think I have the right to dismiss your discomfort if it doesn't meet my standards of logic", or imply that, unless you're trying to lay the groundwork for her breaking up with you.
I don't fully disagree with your premise. Relationships require some balance and give and take. But I think it is OK to require some bare minimum level of reasonableness from a partner too, and the way the two women reacted here falls below that.
No, it doesn't. They felt creeped out, they told him. That's healthy. Just because you don't personally feel that something is a problem doesn't mean the other people are unreasonable, especially if it's a situation you have never been in yourself. I don't think he has boobs, so he doesn't really have the most valuable opinion on what is and isn't uncomfortable to hear.
I'm talking about him being perceived as creepy, not whether he's actually been a creep. He can't say he didn't come across as creepy, because how you come across is determined by how other people react to you, and we know what the reaction was.
INFO Were you verbalizing every other item in the room? Was there some argument over whose it was? "Hemorrhoid Cream, X that must be yours, Y I know you don't need this"
YTA, what they said was valid. I'd understand doing that if you were asking them but you weren't. You thought you knew and you announced it for...what? They wouldn't need to hear that, you just wanted to announce "HER TITS ARE BIGGER"
Not necessarily. I was a 38 DDD at my heaviest. If my bf were to say “oh this is a triple D cup, must be your moms,” that would make the most logical sense, as he never saw me 50+ lbs ago, yet has seen her (with clearly big knockers).
But, he’d actually still be wrong- hers are even bigger (but could have been her old one- Lol).
So, I think it was innocent to announce- as what if he were wrong.
It’s not always about “oH hErS aRe BigGeR”
I’ll take my current frame & 34D over obesity any day and so would my mom if she could (she’s currently working very hard & down 30lbs).
Not saying OP’s gf’s friend must be fat, but this sort of thing is usually somewhat, if not very, proportional & bigger isn’t always better. And it could have been *anyone*’s bra- OP just made a (very) educated guess, that he voiced out loud to show where he was coming from (most likely in case he was wrong).
I have 34DDD breasts. I don’t have to announce my tits are bigger - their mere presence does it for me. Assuming OP’s gf had normal sized breasts, if I was the roommate & he picked up my bra & stopped to hold it up & ask me “hey is this yours?” I’d probably start laughing at his stupidity. I’d much rather prefer he just look at sizes as he did all other clothing items than be constantly stopping to ask me what belongs to who for worry of offending us.
As a woman I’d say YTA. If I put myself in that situation I’d have preferred you just asked if it were mine instead of going into a detailed cup size description. Our bodies have been constantly sexualised and having someone not my boyfriend talk about my cup size would be ick.
You didn't need to announce the size. You didn't even need to look at the size? You can clearly see it's very large. Also, when a woman tells you how you made her feel you don't get to disagree with that. It's not up for debate. So while you may not be an ah, just listen to women when they BOTH tell you. If both of them are telling you it made then uncomfortable, it made them uncomfortable. Also, men will come here with stuff like thus without telling what was REALLY said so.
NTA - I was really expecting you to have made some joke about her breast size. Your girlfriend and her friend are overreacting to the most mundane comment I've ever heard.
Ehhh I'm kinda tied on this one. Think about it this way, women are very conscious of their bodies. I think they'd even be weirded out if the item was something like shoes for example. Noticing a specific part of someone's body and verbally differentiating it is odd. "Ahh these shoes are a size 6, which means they are not X's shoes, but Y's shoes!". His way of saying it came off weird, and its not like the women are telling people about the event. He could've just said "Hey this is one of y'alls bras." Idk, bro might've just fucked up how he came across, but he did come across weird.
Yep. These are the kind of women who probably told him to check sizes to sort all the clothes in the pile without thinking about undergarments & if he had set them aside instead of sorting them, they’d have criticized him for refusing to sort them as if he thought breasts were dirty or something. They wanted to be offended.
NTA but a good life lesson. When it comes to your girlfriend’s friends and their bodies/looks, it’s better just to stay quiet. As this example shows there is much more to likely to be drama and negative reactions than appreciation.
Sure that’s fine, I totally agree with you. I was just reminding OP that “merely a statement” has gotten many men in trouble with their girlfriends plenty of times, when they could have said nothing at all and avoided an annoying situation.
but its not a judgment on their body or look. is "you have brown hair, this brush has blond hairs so it's not yours" now also treading on dangerous territory?
slight YTA, you could've just not gone into specifics considering the implications it has to say "this is an E cup so it has to be x". While it's nice you're helping, it definitely feels weird at the very least.
IMO that makes it weirder lol. I have some tig ol bitties, if there's a giant sized bra around it's obvious it's mine. Nobody needs to announce the size, you know it's for me. Just sort the thing and move on, why call attention to that detail?
NTA at all, but also my guy. Just leave the bra on the floor and clean something else. Again NTA but not totally surprising this didn’t go well for you.
NTA. Stating the bra size is not sexualizing anyone. You matter of factly stated the cup size knowing it wasn't your gf. I really don't see what the harm was. They are overreacting.
The wording is what is awkward. I can’t imagine anyone saying exactly those words and anyone NOT looking at him like “wtf?”
I’d be surprised if he actually said exactly those words. What I’d expect is something more like: “This is an E cup. It’s not yours! Here you go, X” instead saying “it belongs to X” comes off as AI unnatural, just not something a human would say. I would suspect my boyfriend of being AI at this point.
YTA. Calling out the size was unnecessary, and the way it landed obviously didn't sit well with your GF.
Do you prefer to be right? Or happy? You can say things in ways that are much less likely to make people uncomfortable. Try it out
NAH
You didn't mean to embarrass your gf and her friend, you had no bad intention, but I understand why they would feel uncomfortable with you announcing the friend's bra size. Your gf probably didn't remember to have one of her friend's bra in her room and that's why both of them were surprised when you found it and they didn't like it. I wouldn't feel very comfortable as well if my bf for some reason found my friend's bra in my room.
However, I think it's no big deal tbh, just say sorry and that you didn't mean to make them uncomfortable, that's all
Is your girlfriend self conscious about her chest size? You saying that a big bra must belong to her roommate is acknowledging out loud that you’ve noticed her tits and that might trigger insecurity in her.
It would be a bit like saying "look here, this is a box of condoms and they are extra large, so clearly dear boyfriend they (correctly) belong to your flatmate" so that everyone present could hear.
How would you feel if your girlfriend said, "these boxers are too big in the groin area to be yours, they must be your roommates"?
Perhaps you'd prefer if she discreetly asked your roommate if those were his boxers? Unintentionally YTA
YTA. You should have pretended you didn't see the bra. If you knew it was the friend's, you shouldn't have picked it up in the first place. You're weird asf.
YTA for basically arguing back when you were told your behavior made them uncomfortable.
For one, whether that was your intention or not - you did. No amount of logic or arguing will change the fact that they feel how they feel.
It’s just such bad form to be told that you made someone uncomfortable and go “not my fault, it’s yours!”, sometimes it’s better to just say “I’m sorry” and move on.
YTA what was the point of saying all that? Did you leave out a line where GF thought it was hers? Either ask friend if its hers or take it to her room.
Ya, I feel like it was just an off vibe on delivery, maybe he's not as socially aware as some. Making a joke could've been a hot or miss too. Like maybe it came off weird and he didn't notice how what he said would be understood and interpreted by his gf and roommate. "Hey is this yours or yours?" to the girls might've been less logical and observant but would come off neutral, or they both might be more focused on you touching the bra in general.
Was the bra like the first thing you grabbed in the room?
I'm a girl in my early 20s.. not with an E cup (her poor neck ☠️) but with a bigger cup than most of my friends and I'd say you kinda crossed a line? I get why they were weirded out, I get why the bigger chested friend was probably embarrassed, same with your gf that probably died from cringe BUT I can also picture you not giving an f and just randomly announcing it (especially if their bra size is so strikingly different ). I can understand how you just blurted it out without giving it much thought, i guess since she's a roommate you're all kinda friendly and familiar with eachother sooo I'd say extremely mild YTA just cause you did make her uncomfortable but don't sweat on it you didn't do it on purpose she'll just forget about it. It's just that having bigger b👀bs than average can make you severely self conscious precisely because you're worried everyone is constantly noticing them so you basically confirmed her fears lol.
tentative NAH. Bit of a social misstep saying it like that; would've probably been better to not mention the cup size and say "this looks like x's" or just hand it to them and let them sort it between them, but i don't think you meant any harm by it.
They were in the gf’s closet in the gf’s room. Why was X’s bra in there? The roomies apparently don’t share clothes since they’re clearly different sizes. If I were in that situation, I’d have picked an unfamiliar bra up (remember that OP and gf are moving in together, so he probably has a working knowledge of her lingerie collection), and tried to figure out whether this was just something I hadn’t seen before, then would have thought it looked too big, then would have checked the size to confirm. Then I would have said something very close to what the OP said to explain why I was holding my gf’s roommate’s bra that I found in the closet I was asked to help clean out. NTA.
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NTA I am a woman with a larger chest and yeah while a tad weird if it really was just the two or three of you then what is the problem?
Thanks. You're probably better qualified than the rest to judge me innocent or guilty here.
I mean If it was a different cup size than the both of them then it would be a bigger problem right? Like a third friend's bra and it would need to go back to the original owner and it was a lucky break that it was indeed the roommate's.
We'd have to contact the landlord and request the cup size of all previous tenants to know who it belonged to...
I wanna hear you making that call haha
I am sure it was part of the lease agreement.
Like Cinderella and the glass slipper, only the glass slipper is an old bra from the bottom of a closet. Magical!
CinDDerella
I have a feeling that this is the "plot" of a porn parody.
#braziergate2024
The worst version of Cinderella.
Or the best version.
You mean the breast version
You are funny as hell. I have tig ol' bitties and that didn't bother me at all. If it had been a pair of shoes that didn't fit, you would have said the same thing. Although, they night have accused you of having a foot fetish. Now that is some Cinderella shit
I don’t know why why OP would know what the size of the friend was. But it is normal you know the size of your gf is and recognize that a bra is not her size so it therefore must be the friend’s.
You don’t have to know someone’s size to be able to tell that a bra doesn’t fit them?? If someone looks at me vs my mom, then at a bra on the bed, it’d be pretty fucking obvious *without knowing our sizes* who it does/doesn’t belong to Ol girl a double D, gf clearly… isn’t Edit: those of you commenting how others can’t tell - how dense are you? If you see a saucer and a bowl on the counter, the difference is obvious To you ladies “trying” to educate me on how sizing works, I don’t need your help? I know I’m a 34DD who also can wear a 32DDD, but if necessary a 36D. At the end of the day, all these Ds are still obviously bigger than any A, jfc
for me the issue isn’t that he was able to tell, it’s the unprompted announcement of “this is an E cup bra, this isn’t yours babe” have a little discretion ffs
If they cared that much then why have him over to help pack and move, why didn’t they already sort through all of their undergarments, etc Clearly they had no issue with him helping but apparently opening his mouth to state something factual is creepy, bffr 😂 If you’re gonna be that sensitive over it, then do it your damn self
Exactly. I don’t think he’s an AH but he could’ve just said this isn’t yours gf and handed it to friend. Tbh I think him going through the underwear is just setting himself up for failure; the women could’ve done it on their own if they were sensitive about it
Just moved my daughter out of her dorm. “First things first—I am packing my own underwear! I dont want anyone else to handle it”
Yeah. I too blurt out most of my thoughts. At some point editing before speaking is preferred. Of course a male of my generation would have come with an unsolicited joke but then we would be upset at the joke and the unwanted calling attention to boobs bc you’re supposed to notice but never speak of them! You’re not to ever be noticed noticing them! They are magical clouds after all.
Sh. Cos if op didn't say that, then no one would be able to tell the gf wasn't an E cup?
When it's written on the label, as it always is, no problem. The problem is that almost nobody understands bra sizing. A 38D, 40C, and 42B all have the same amount of breast tissue. It's only the frame size that changes. The cup size is determined by the difference between the frame and breast; hence the problem. There's a greater difference between the 38 and the 42 making the cup size different despite the amount of tissue. So unless there was a question about the frame size, it wouldn't be easy to determine at a glance. Although an E cup at any frame size will be easy to recognize.
I went from a 32B to a 28 E when I got properly sized. These bras are not huge and do not obviously look "E". The problem is that people assume D is large and anything higher is massive.
Mmhmm. I'm 48D or 46DD depending on how much I like breathing that day, and in reality, the "large" size is offset by my frame being large too. I'd need to push into H cup range minimum to look like what people seem to think a DD is.
Did you mean a 28E cause a 38E is quite large lmao
Ha, yes. 🤣
This! I (41f) never got correctly sized for a bra until I was in my early 30’s. I had been wearing a 34B for so long thinking it was my size. When I got sized, I’m a 34DD. I was shocked because I always thought that meant large boobs! I couldn’t believe it. Then I tried it on and I was so upset with myself for wearing the wrong size for the majority of my adult life!
While you are correct, in this instance it's not really about actual measurements though. If he knows his girlfriend is one size, and the bra he picked up was another, then it was either an old bra (if girlfriend had changed sizes) or, by process of elimination, was someone else's bra.
Very true, I appear to have boobs on the smaller side (and I do) but I actually have a bigger cup size than one would think because my rib cage is very small. I’m a 28DD, which is the same volume as a 32C, but most people hear DD and think big boobs
He doesn’t have to know her cup size. - He knew the cup size of the bra he picked up because he was holding the bra and could see the cup size. - He knew it was a bigger cup size than his girlfriend because he’s dating her and has seen her breasts before. - He also knew there were 2 women living in the house so if it wasn’t his girlfriend’s by a simple process of elimination it was more than likely to be her house mate’s. Thats enough information to say ‘this is an E cup, it’s not yours, it belongs to x’. They’re calling him creepy for using basic logic without any sexualisation at all.
Probably because like all bras it had the cup size on the label.
If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck... if the bra was too big for his gf and her roommates more endowed in the area, it was a safe assumption, to which he said he assumed. I don't get the big deal either, but women will be women, I guess.
Process of elimination, there's two girls to pick from and it's not my partner's soooooo.
As someone with K cups, its pretty obvious which bras are mine and which are my c cup sister's. It's just a fact and if it was just you guys, and you're ACTIVELY HELPING THEM CLEAN THEIR MESSY HOUSE, it should be a nonissue to place things where they belong.
Exactly, and if someone found a K-cup bra that belongs to you, I don’t see why it’s offensive that they would assume it’s yours
It’s not the fact that you assumed it was hers, it was that you said out loud “E cup”. To a lot of people that’s just gonna sound strange. I don’t know why you’re acting like this was your only valid option to return the bra. For example: “hey babe, this doesn’t look like one of yours” or better yet “hey babe, is this yours?” Both would have gotten the bra returned equally efficiently and would have sounded less awkward.
If it's just the three of them I don't see the problem.
Nothing to judge just People being sensitive about normal things. I do the same with boxer shorts when my mum brings them to me. "I'm not an XL, this is your bf's". Never heard a complaint from either.
The better response in this situation, (if you needed to handle the bra situation at all) was to say, oh is this x’s bra? And then hand it off. The way you worded it was weird.
I say NTA. When living with family my grandmother asked if a bra downstairs was mine or someone else's - the two other people in the house were small breasted and small framed. I saw the bra and went back to her, laughing, and said - "how could you possibly wonder if that was mine? next time you're not sure, put it on your head! If it fits, it's mine." I came home some days/weeks later and she started giggling and told me she tried it and, yes, my bra did fit on her head. 🤣 After hearing that story on a family vacation two of my cousins then tried it. Together. I have a picture.
I don’t think it’s a situation of innocence or guilt. There doesn’t need to be someone who is wrong every time there’s some social friction.
Personally, I think it would have been better to say, "I don't think this is yours." I think maybe the roommate was icked that you were looking so closely at her chest that you determined her cup size. The noticing isn't the issue, it was the kinda creepy way to said it. So soft YTA
I’m a large chested woman so I guess I’m qualified to answer this and I agree with your gf it’s weird. It’s not weird you grabbed it, it’s not weird you were able to deduce whose it was, not weird to give it to the friend, it’s weird you announced the size out loud. It was a weird way to word it, especially if other people were in the house helping.
Large chest here too. No, it’s super weird to bother to go into such detail. Why did he even look at the tag to see the size- comes off as being curious to know her exact size. He should have just tossed it her way and said, this one doesn’t look like yours. Or something simple like that. He DEFINITELY brought attention to her size the way he said it. Probably didn’t mean to be weird, but it was weird none the less- thus BOTH women feeling grossed out by it.
You're way too nit picky. You're thinking so deep about it when it's not that deep. He checked the size cos he probably already knew his girlfriend's size and was stating that it's definitely not hers. He was helping her clear out the shit faster what's the problem
Nah- if it was just the girlfriend upset I might think it is an insecurity thing- but when both women thought it was weird I’m more inclined to believe he made the situation uncomfortable with how he handled it. Again, the way he writes I don’t think he intended it to be that way- but I think it was. Simple apology would be nice. “Sorry guys- I thought I was being helpful, didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable”
Do you base all your decisions on how many people react poorly to something? Seems weird that your answer would be different based on who was made uncomfortable. I'm pretty sure OP was just going through the logic of determining where the bra goes. Did everyone here forget why OP was there in the first place? This is a dumb thing to be offended about.
If you want to exist harmoniously in society you do base your decisions on how people will react. It’s why manners, social norms and customs exist. I feel for people like the OP who don’t understand all of the social rules, but if they don’t want people to be perpetually mad at them they have to be willing to apologize when they act improperly and cause offense.
Do you base all of your decisions on going against the grain? It was weird. It made people uncomfortable. Apologize and move on. It’s great they were helping, that doesn’t mean they get a free pass to make things weird without apologizing, even if it was an accident (which I’m sure it was).
As a dude, I think it's weird to go into specifics. Since it's unnecessary, it does come off as though he is trying to make some sort of comparison or snide comment.
To me it just seems like he ran through the logic out loud. I can see myself approaching it the same way. Especially when assisting in moving I’d be running through problems the same way, just mentally. Find bra. Need to assess where it goes, size check. This is an E, belongs to roommate 2. In his shoes this would be done in my head, I’d hand it over to roommate and say this is probably yours. If they have a problem with at that point, *I’d* be annoyed. And ask, if you’re uncomfortable with this why am I helping you go through your closet. What do you want me to help you with instead? I’m just here trying to help. They’re removing the context of him helping with the move and making it seem like he’s digging through their laundry for fun. I’m on OP side.
Yeah! like to me it literally sounds like he was just thinking out loud to himself and they happened to hear
One step further. If I’m helping someone move, I should just be moving boxes/furniture to a van. And back out into the new location. The sort and box stage should have been done the day before
Yes! Nothing worse than helping people box up their stuff on moving day, so annoying!
Then they accuse you of being creepy when you point out this bra probably isn't theirs lol
Maybe the tag was prominent, or he knows his gf size and wanted to sort it. IMO he's doing the opposite of sexualizing the bra. He literally treated it like any other piece of clothing.
It's weird to announce the size regardless of the type of clothing in my opinion. Like it's one thing to say to gf, "This isn't yours, must be Friend's!" but to say, "This is size 12/Smedium/XX, so it must be Friend's!" is weird.
I don't know if you've live in the real world or not, but it is very common to read the size and mention it when giving it back to someone. Happened to me at a camp, my shirt got mixed up with someone else's and he said "oh, this is an xl. Think this is your shirt" and tossed it to me. And that's not the only time. Completely normal, you're looking way to deep into this.
Not weird at all, the dude stated a fact, the size printed on the bra.
Would this change if we were talking about shoes, these 10s can’t be yours, must be your roommates?
If there’s an obvious difference in size looking at the tag seems unlikely no matter what the garment is. Yet clearly there is a difference when talking about body parts that are considered private. Condoms “hey these magnum condoms aren’t your size, they must belong to your roommate” also seems awkward.
I fully agree. I have a large chest, but no I do not advertise my cup size and I would thank my friend’s bf to do the same, much less in a way that brings attention to his gf’s size too. The sentiment wasn’t wrong in this situation, but the phrasing was slightly uncomfortable.
Then don't expect your friends BF to pick your bras up off the floor? Children can put their clothes away but these two supposedly adult women can't?
I'm also a woman who has had a lifetime of people creepily commenting on my bra size and I agree with you. If he did it out of no where that's creepy. If you're a slob and someone is nice enough to clean up your underwear for you, then be grateful because gross. Why was the roommates bra in her room if she didn't want anyone to see it, pack up things you don't want people to see. Also yes some bras display their sizes in huge letters and numbers. This is such a little thing to be so upset about unless there's a history of creepy behavior.
Yup. Some of us just get really tired of our boob size being commented on, or compared to other people's. And only RARELY is there a valid reason for anyone to do so. This was not one of those times. But while people here are arguing over whether it's weird or not, the only people whose opinions matter in this particular instance are the women he said it to. And what OP is really the asshole for is "strongly disagreeing" with their experience. They told him it came off as creepy. "Sorry, didn't mean it to be!" would've been an okay response. But claiming that he knows better than they do how they should feel about it is very deep into Asshole territory.
>the only people whose opinions matter in this particular instance are the women he said it to. A You heard it here first guys. Gotta shut the sub down because only the specific people in the situation have opinions that matter. It's been a good run but that makes this sub pointless.
>And what OP is really the asshole for is "strongly disagreeing" with their experience. They told him it came off as creepy. Oh, shut the fuck up. If somebody calls me a creep for no reason and I tell them to shove it up their ass, guess what? They are still the asshole. Their "experience" can kick fucking rocks.
NTA. Your brain works like oh it's x and girlfriend is y. So it must be roommates. It doesn't matter what the numbers are or what the item is. It was the identifier of difference for you in the moment. Why does everyone gotta make stuff weird. It isn't sexual till you make it sexual. Weirdos
I don’t think the issue is noticing or thinking it. It’s basically letting an “inside thought” leave your mouth. There are like 100 different ways to solve this problem without making women uncomfortable, which, even he’s NTA, he did. I’m lowkey stressed OP is gonna confront them like “Reddit said you were wrong to feel uncomfortable by my comment, apology please”
If someone was helping me pick up shirts and found a L and they said “well that can’t be yours since you’re bigger than a Large,” I wouldn’t be offended, because I wear 2XL. How is it not the same for bras? People need to grow up.
But *why* did OP feel the need to announce the cup size?! I mean…who does that? I mean if it’s just the three of them, OP already knows it isn’t theirs, and it obviously doesn’t belong to their flat-chested friend…why announce “This is a huge bra with huge cups. Has to belong to you, Big Breasted Buddy.” WTF?
Because it's normal? Whenever sorting clothes and you know one isn't yours then you read the label. You say the size in case you're wrong and it's actually someone else's, it's easier for them to tell knowing the size. If my friend said "hey, I think these pants are yours" I would first ask "what size are they?" To be sure. Saying the size cuts thats step out. It's not weird and it doesn't need to be a problem. I've had shirts mixed up at a boy scout camp and my friend said "this shirt is xl, I think it's yours" and handed it to me, and I knew it was mine because that is my size. Simple, easy, and quick. Not a problem.
Because he was unsure and looking for confirmation. This isn't rocket science.
Bras can be deceptive. You pick it up, not sure what size it is. Check the label, it's a ??E. You know your gf is a ??B. You know the difference because of the cup size. Could he have just gone, 'hey this is yours', sure. But it's pretty common when sorting things out to add your reasoning behind it. I was sorting out socks with my son the other day and announced 'no those are your brother's, he has the blue stripe'. No different unless you consider a clothing size inerently sexual. Which it's not.
Agreed. I’m a large chested lady and if you just stated it as fact then there is no sexualization going on. If you stuck it on your head and danced around while sing songing “I know who this belongs to” then that would be inappropriate but still not necessarily sexualization (it’s actually hilarious when a drunk friend does it- ask me how I know). Ask your girlfriend if they would be upset if you could tell whose shoes were whose by the size and style or if they’d accuse you of being a foot fetishist. Sounds like they made it sexual. Now it may have embarrassed or made the friend uncomfortable but then she should’ve had her things put away
NTA This actually pissed me off. You’re over there helping them pack, their undergarments are all over the place, and then they jump to ‘creepy sexualization’? That’s bullshit, no matter how awkwardly worded it was.
Yes it was clumsy that’s all
yeah I think “creepy sexualization” is a bit too far but I do completely agree with everything in the post before that, and I completely understand why it made the women uncomfortable. I don’t think any malice was intended, more of a faux pas, but I totally get why the friend in particular was uncomfortable that dude basically just announced “I know your boob size, here’s your bra”. It’s just such a classic “what I should have said was nothing” situation - what good comes from making this comment unprompted?!?! It’s not like OP’s girlfriend asked “oh, is that my bra?”, dude just basically picked it up and said “this isn’t your bra, and here’s how I know” You’ve got to also consider that for the friend, any sort of comment about her breasts is probably something she’s sensitive too as someone with E cups has undoubtedly been dealing with creepy comments ever since she was a teenager
Then maybe they shouldn’t invite a male to help pack when there are bras all over the floor. Bc it can’t make someone uncomfortable while they also put that person in the position to begin with. It literally can’t be both. Ps - I wouldn’t like my friend’s bf touching my bras. So I get that. And because of that, I’d sort that kind of stuff myself.
Seriously lol My mom came to help me move out like last month. Guess what!? I packed all the sex toys and lingerie BEFORE she got there. Because of this exact reason! If you don’t want people to know/talk about something, then don’t have them mess with it!
I'm with you. I don't think OP is an AH here, but I bet the friend's gut reaction was, "wtf why does he know my bra size? what a creep." Even though he knows his gf's bra size, he knows that E isn't hers, it's not a difficult process of elimination. I don't think OP did anything wrong and I think the gf and friend need to drop it. But I can see why OP's phrasing might have thrown them off in the moment.
If what you’re assuming is true i think they’re the AHs then. The entitlement to have someone clean up your underwear itself is already crazy to begin with, much less assuming someone to be a creep for having common sense.
> I bet the friend's gut reaction was, "wtf why does he know my bra size? what a creep." That thought process says far more about the roommate than it would OP.
Soooo, the invite should have been "come help two women sort through their mixed up undergarments, but observe nothing and SAY NOTHING." He did nothing wrong except when he walked into this trap.
I can see it being weird if gf was a DD and the friend was an E. Knowing the difference that closely might be weird. But if it's "big vs small" then I don't see how it can be weird at all.
> Knowing the difference that closely might be weird. If he knows his girlfriend buys size D bras, he wouldn't need to know the difference that closely, just that his girlfriend buy's D bras.
I think it's weird to be so entitled you're mad at someone nice enough to pack your gross floor underwear. I wouldn't even ask my husband to do that. This honestly pisses me off there's so many women defending the gf without even knowing if they asked why he made that comment. Maybe he was just thinking out loud. But sure their feelings mean more right.
Exactly. Nothing sexualised about it. It’s only a bra ffs. Sounds like they are self conscious
Yep. They made it weird, not him. My sister lived with me and my husband for years. Both me and sis wear the same size clothes and have mostly black wardrobes. Only difference: sis is 34A, I'm 34E, so the first time he switched some laundry so he could run a load, he asked. It was my sister's, so I grabbed one of my bras to show him the difference and all 3 of us had a good chuckle. NTA and GF/Roomie need to get over it. They're bras... not sex toys
> They're bras... not sex toys Depends on how creative you are
>no matter how awkwardly worded it was. I mean, if he was all "bae, yo' titties are, at best, American fluffy pancakes, this must belong to the bitch in the next room with jumbo picnic style watermelons" it might be a problem...
Hmm. Weird one. I'm gonna go with NTA. If they were worried about sexualizing underwear, they should have cleaned their apartment before you got there. How would they have reacted if you just held it up and say 'who's is this'? NTA - but in the future, maybe be more discreet.
The manly, non-sexual way to deal with it, would have been to turn it into Mickey Mouse ears and ask, in MM-voice: "whose is this?"
"Emily! Have you been hiding another pair of bigger tits from me?!"
"Put your big tits on, tonight, I'm taking you somewhere fancy!"
I literally laughed out loud at this. 😂
Or even saying "This doesn't look like yours (I've never seen you in it), whose is this?" Specifying the size and identifying who is that size sounds a bit like "noticing someone else's boobs," so I get why they didn't take it so kindly (even though OP's intentions were honest).
But EVERYTHING can be taken the wrong way. What about your suggestion? Someone looking to be offended might ask you who you think you are to accuse her like that? She’s not your little sex puppet! Is she obligated to parade before you in every piece of lingerie to make sure you’ve “seen her in it?” They don’t have to grow a pair, but they could at least grow up. NTA OP
“Oh how would you know it’s not mine? Are you staring at her?”
I forgot that since OP doesn't live with gf, he probably only sees her bra during sexy times and not casually while dressing in the morning or hanging from the clothesline.
Or saying "who's red/black/beige/whatever bra is this" instead of making it about the cup size, maybe?
And 100% they both own the same colour bra. So, what's the plan then? It really isn't that big deal mentioning size at all. Especially when the man's cleaning up their shite.
Ok, but if mentioning the size of an item makes one a creepy sexualizer, mentioning it’s black would probably make them declare OP to be a member of the kkk.
You missed the silent cue where they wanted you to say "oh I found a tiny piece of dainty unmentionables, I daren't touch or gaze upon it, so you will have to discuss the question of its belonging amongst yourselves lest I have a stray thought about the type of body that it might fit."
Nah then they'd be like why does the female body bring you discomfort? Are you that insecure to talk about a bra?? Men are so problematic 😂
Who are you, to be so wise in the ways of woman-science?
He is Arthur, King of the Bra-tons.
She turned me into a newt!
Hope you got better
If I went around saying I was emperor because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!
I could tell, he hasn't got shit all over him
“What ELSE floats in water?” “Wood!” “Fake breasts!”
so you have two options both are wrong
Keep your unmentionables out of sight if you don’t want them mentioned.
LOL at an E-cup sized bra being called "tiny and dainty." Probably closer to well-constructed scaffolding but I'm sure they would have had some problem with that comment too. OP, you didn't do anything wrong, next time, just chuck it on the bed and move along. You're a real one helping the two of them get all their shit packed up though.
Just came from the other thread about the dude that said he liked the taste of his wife’s spit too huh?
Lol no, thank God.
... say what now?
> I picked up a bra, I said "this is an E cup, its not yours, it belongs to x", I mean, that is a pretty weird thing to announce like that. If you were sure, why did it need announcing? Did you announce every other piece of clothing or stuff as well? Or did you intend to phrase it as a question? In which case why announce the bra size? They can see it's rather large without knowing the cup size, so ''Hey i think this is yours, right?'' Would've been fine. So yeah, slight YTA. I'd be weirded out why you're even checking the bra size in the first place, moreso why you feel the need to loudly announce it. Either it could've been stated as a question, or you didn't need to say anything. And bra size label didn't need to come into it at all.
I’m not saying it’s not an awkward sentence but like clean up your shit if you don’t want the people you’ve conscripted to clean up your shit asking clarifying questions or making clarifying statements “How dare you check the bra size when organizing laundry to tell whose bra it is!” Listen to yourself lmao
You can invite someone over to clean but also if they find something that’s a bit personal, you can reasonably expect that they won’t pry and just alert you about it.
You have a crazy definition of prying if reading a label and saying “this is probably yours” is all it takes lol
You're misrepresenting what happened. I even suggested saying ''this is probably yours''. Its the ''this is an E cup. This does not belong to you! It belongs to x!" Thing that is weird. It's not just reading the label, but then also proudly announcing it, and not making it a question either but a statement. Any statement like that is awkward as fuck. ''These pants are size 15. This does not belong to you, it belongs go X!'' Would be just as akward. Just act like a normal being, say ''this is probably yours right?'' And don't do this weird announcement stuff.
Yeah it's like, I get the whole thinking out loud part. But not everything has to be said out loud.
Obviously, and sometimes something can be kind of awkward and unnecessary and you’re still acting ridiculous if you act like they’re an asshole over misspeaking while cleaning your shit for you
Can you quote what gave you the impression he “proudly” announced it, or why you added in “!” To all his words to paint him as aggressive or shouting when nothing gave that impression? Oh, made up? Thought so
The gender bias gave them that impression
Easiest NTA ever. This is... Wild. And who suggested it was said with pride? This person was directly asked to help sort through this stuff, if you have expectations around the etiquette of sorting clothes then do it yourself. If you're so hyper sensitive to size then do it yourself.
It would also be weird or rude to announce here's your "SIZE TRIPLE X L" GRANNY PANTIES they're definitely not my girlfriends. Just...describe them some other way? Idk
Imagine if a woman was helping clean out her BFs apartment and found a box of magnum condoms and was all HEY BOYFRIEND I KNOW THESE AREN'T YOURS CAUSE LOLTINYCOCK, SO I ASSUME THESE ARE YOUR ROOMMATES? ^Idon'tknow,itjustamusedmeasananalogue.
Yeah, like... tact is a thing. Being factually correct does not mean it's a thing that should be said. "Pretty sure this is yours" or "Here's a bra" and handing it over would have completely avoided the question of 'is this dude going to go through all our undergarments so that he can know he's right."
NTA You’re literally sorting through their stuff at their request. If they feel uncomfortable having you acknowledge their bras, they shouldn’t have them out for you to sort through while you’re helping them. Dramatic nonsense on the part of your friends. Very immature.
This is the comment I was looking for! Both girls are TA for the way they're treating someone who is helping them after they have both been giant slobs. If they didn't want him dealing with their unmentionables, they had several options. All of those options involve them dealing with their own mess in at least some way. He wasn't being rude or creepy, and if they don't want his help, he should leave them to it. NTA
... slightly YTA I supose. I also have a larger chest. It's easy to tell if a bra is mine or my sister's... but "I think this is X's" would be less weird and without the ick/creep factor as calling out the bra size and saying who it belongs too. It's just a bit more invasive. I'd feel uncomfortable.
Yeah and how come he looked at the size? That’s on a tiny label on the back of the bra, did he look for it? Bit weird…
That seemed weird to me too. Most people don't know what an E cup looks like, since that volume changes based on band size.
I definitely couldn’t tell the difference between a 38DD and a 36E by sight alone. That and the fact bra types vary so a E cup balcony looks different from an E cup sports or an E cup minimiser etc.
YTA. Why announce anything? Why were you looking at the cup size? This comes across as creepy. You didn't need to look at the size, hold it up, or make an announcement. I find that so bizarre. Are you checking panty sizes and holding those up too? This just feels creepy.
Mixed clothes, checking sizes, probably a bit easier than asking about specific ‘do you own this’ especially in the face of glaring differences, assuming he knows the size of his gf’s tits. Any other conclusion is kinda stupid.
ah yes, asking your partner “is this your bra?” is just too difficult, instead I’ll just announce “this bra isn’t yours, it’s a E cup!” and make women uncomfortable
Considering both roommates had their bras in the same pile I think it’s a little stupid if they’re uncomfortable with it.
to me what makes it uncomfortable is just like, the lack of social awareness. It’s less that he saw and touched her bra and more that he just didn’t realize “announcing your GF’s friend’s cup size isn’t really how you should handle this”
Asking you partner that for each garment makes him a hindrance rather than a help since they have to constantly be answering his questions. Come on.
So you want him to do that with every article of clothing as to not offend anyone? Why even have him over to help then if he has to silently pause and have them approve each article of clothing? But still, why put him in a situation they find uncomfortable. They put him in a no win. Everything short of denying to help initially would have made him an AH in their eyes when he inevitable came across that article of clothing.
I'd probably start checkin tags too if I was helping clean and discovered a treasure trove of probably-not-their-own underwear, why the fuck is it even there lol, just give it back if you aren't being a weirdo with it
This story was not as entertaining as the title suggested.
I'm not sure you get to agree or disagree about whether you offended ppl who are directly telling you how they feel? You clearly made them uncomfortable... don't die on this hill.
being made uncomfortable doesn't mean you're justified in that feeling. some people need to get over themselves and be made aware that they're being ridiculous
You don't get to tell people how they feel. But you can judge whether it is reasonable for them to be offended or not.
He's saying he disagrees that he "came off as creepy", when objectively he did bc the ppl in the room were creeped out. It doesn't matter whether you agree with their feelings, they told him they were creeped out so there's no room for the idea that they weren't.
Right. They felt that way, but it was unreasonable. People can feel a certain way because of what someone says or does, but that does not mean that those feelings are reasonable or that the action was wrong. People can be offended that a woman takes birth control. Or they can be upset that a white dude wears dreadlocks. I don't doubt that people have those feelings. But they are not reasonable. And the actions that made them feel that way were not problematic.
That's not how social relationships work. If you accidentally creep out your gf and her friend, you say "sorry, didn't mean it that way". You do not say "actually my opinion matters more than your feelings, I will keep talking about your friends boobs if I feel like it, I don't respect you as a person and I think I have the right to dismiss your discomfort if it doesn't meet my standards of logic", or imply that, unless you're trying to lay the groundwork for her breaking up with you.
I don't fully disagree with your premise. Relationships require some balance and give and take. But I think it is OK to require some bare minimum level of reasonableness from a partner too, and the way the two women reacted here falls below that.
No, it doesn't. They felt creeped out, they told him. That's healthy. Just because you don't personally feel that something is a problem doesn't mean the other people are unreasonable, especially if it's a situation you have never been in yourself. I don't think he has boobs, so he doesn't really have the most valuable opinion on what is and isn't uncomfortable to hear.
That's quite literally the definition of SUBJECTIVELY. It's a feeling. It can't be objective.
I'm talking about him being perceived as creepy, not whether he's actually been a creep. He can't say he didn't come across as creepy, because how you come across is determined by how other people react to you, and we know what the reaction was.
Only reasonable person in this whole thread
INFO Were you verbalizing every other item in the room? Was there some argument over whose it was? "Hemorrhoid Cream, X that must be yours, Y I know you don't need this"
YTA, what they said was valid. I'd understand doing that if you were asking them but you weren't. You thought you knew and you announced it for...what? They wouldn't need to hear that, you just wanted to announce "HER TITS ARE BIGGER"
Not necessarily. I was a 38 DDD at my heaviest. If my bf were to say “oh this is a triple D cup, must be your moms,” that would make the most logical sense, as he never saw me 50+ lbs ago, yet has seen her (with clearly big knockers). But, he’d actually still be wrong- hers are even bigger (but could have been her old one- Lol). So, I think it was innocent to announce- as what if he were wrong. It’s not always about “oH hErS aRe BigGeR” I’ll take my current frame & 34D over obesity any day and so would my mom if she could (she’s currently working very hard & down 30lbs). Not saying OP’s gf’s friend must be fat, but this sort of thing is usually somewhat, if not very, proportional & bigger isn’t always better. And it could have been *anyone*’s bra- OP just made a (very) educated guess, that he voiced out loud to show where he was coming from (most likely in case he was wrong).
I have 34DDD breasts. I don’t have to announce my tits are bigger - their mere presence does it for me. Assuming OP’s gf had normal sized breasts, if I was the roommate & he picked up my bra & stopped to hold it up & ask me “hey is this yours?” I’d probably start laughing at his stupidity. I’d much rather prefer he just look at sizes as he did all other clothing items than be constantly stopping to ask me what belongs to who for worry of offending us.
Odd to check the specific size. If it was that obvious why check? “Hmm size D this could be X or Y but size E is definitely X. “
NTA but I would have stopped helping
As a woman I’d say YTA. If I put myself in that situation I’d have preferred you just asked if it were mine instead of going into a detailed cup size description. Our bodies have been constantly sexualised and having someone not my boyfriend talk about my cup size would be ick.
[удалено]
You didn't need to announce the size. You didn't even need to look at the size? You can clearly see it's very large. Also, when a woman tells you how you made her feel you don't get to disagree with that. It's not up for debate. So while you may not be an ah, just listen to women when they BOTH tell you. If both of them are telling you it made then uncomfortable, it made them uncomfortable. Also, men will come here with stuff like thus without telling what was REALLY said so.
NTA - I was really expecting you to have made some joke about her breast size. Your girlfriend and her friend are overreacting to the most mundane comment I've ever heard.
Ehhh I'm kinda tied on this one. Think about it this way, women are very conscious of their bodies. I think they'd even be weirded out if the item was something like shoes for example. Noticing a specific part of someone's body and verbally differentiating it is odd. "Ahh these shoes are a size 6, which means they are not X's shoes, but Y's shoes!". His way of saying it came off weird, and its not like the women are telling people about the event. He could've just said "Hey this is one of y'alls bras." Idk, bro might've just fucked up how he came across, but he did come across weird.
Yep. These are the kind of women who probably told him to check sizes to sort all the clothes in the pile without thinking about undergarments & if he had set them aside instead of sorting them, they’d have criticized him for refusing to sort them as if he thought breasts were dirty or something. They wanted to be offended.
NTA but a good life lesson. When it comes to your girlfriend’s friends and their bodies/looks, it’s better just to stay quiet. As this example shows there is much more to likely to be drama and negative reactions than appreciation.
but its not a judgment on any form of look. it's merely a statement without valueing one or other.
Sure that’s fine, I totally agree with you. I was just reminding OP that “merely a statement” has gotten many men in trouble with their girlfriends plenty of times, when they could have said nothing at all and avoided an annoying situation.
but its not a judgment on their body or look. is "you have brown hair, this brush has blond hairs so it's not yours" now also treading on dangerous territory?
slight YTA, you could've just not gone into specifics considering the implications it has to say "this is an E cup so it has to be x". While it's nice you're helping, it definitely feels weird at the very least.
NTA. It's not like you couldn't tell who wore the E cups.
IMO that makes it weirder lol. I have some tig ol bitties, if there's a giant sized bra around it's obvious it's mine. Nobody needs to announce the size, you know it's for me. Just sort the thing and move on, why call attention to that detail?
Actually... I'm starting to see your point.
What a nice exchange. I so rarely see people on this site admit that. Props to you.
NTA at all, but also my guy. Just leave the bra on the floor and clean something else. Again NTA but not totally surprising this didn’t go well for you.
This was essentially my comment too haha.
NTA. Stating the bra size is not sexualizing anyone. You matter of factly stated the cup size knowing it wasn't your gf. I really don't see what the harm was. They are overreacting.
The wording is what is awkward. I can’t imagine anyone saying exactly those words and anyone NOT looking at him like “wtf?” I’d be surprised if he actually said exactly those words. What I’d expect is something more like: “This is an E cup. It’s not yours! Here you go, X” instead saying “it belongs to X” comes off as AI unnatural, just not something a human would say. I would suspect my boyfriend of being AI at this point.
YTA. Calling out the size was unnecessary, and the way it landed obviously didn't sit well with your GF. Do you prefer to be right? Or happy? You can say things in ways that are much less likely to make people uncomfortable. Try it out
NAH You didn't mean to embarrass your gf and her friend, you had no bad intention, but I understand why they would feel uncomfortable with you announcing the friend's bra size. Your gf probably didn't remember to have one of her friend's bra in her room and that's why both of them were surprised when you found it and they didn't like it. I wouldn't feel very comfortable as well if my bf for some reason found my friend's bra in my room. However, I think it's no big deal tbh, just say sorry and that you didn't mean to make them uncomfortable, that's all
Is your girlfriend self conscious about her chest size? You saying that a big bra must belong to her roommate is acknowledging out loud that you’ve noticed her tits and that might trigger insecurity in her.
Would they have had a problem with a woman saying the same thing? I doubt it, and if not then they are the ones sexualizing the situation. NTA.
It would be a bit like saying "look here, this is a box of condoms and they are extra large, so clearly dear boyfriend they (correctly) belong to your flatmate" so that everyone present could hear.
How would you feel if your girlfriend said, "these boxers are too big in the groin area to be yours, they must be your roommates"? Perhaps you'd prefer if she discreetly asked your roommate if those were his boxers? Unintentionally YTA
YTA. You should have pretended you didn't see the bra. If you knew it was the friend's, you shouldn't have picked it up in the first place. You're weird asf.
NTA. My partner once did this and we both laughed so hard even the whole store was staring at us in disgust lmao.
YTA for basically arguing back when you were told your behavior made them uncomfortable. For one, whether that was your intention or not - you did. No amount of logic or arguing will change the fact that they feel how they feel. It’s just such bad form to be told that you made someone uncomfortable and go “not my fault, it’s yours!”, sometimes it’s better to just say “I’m sorry” and move on.
If you’re such an AH, maybe they clean up and pack their own shit and you can go home and watch TV
YTA what was the point of saying all that? Did you leave out a line where GF thought it was hers? Either ask friend if its hers or take it to her room.
Ya, I feel like it was just an off vibe on delivery, maybe he's not as socially aware as some. Making a joke could've been a hot or miss too. Like maybe it came off weird and he didn't notice how what he said would be understood and interpreted by his gf and roommate. "Hey is this yours or yours?" to the girls might've been less logical and observant but would come off neutral, or they both might be more focused on you touching the bra in general. Was the bra like the first thing you grabbed in the room?
I'm a girl in my early 20s.. not with an E cup (her poor neck ☠️) but with a bigger cup than most of my friends and I'd say you kinda crossed a line? I get why they were weirded out, I get why the bigger chested friend was probably embarrassed, same with your gf that probably died from cringe BUT I can also picture you not giving an f and just randomly announcing it (especially if their bra size is so strikingly different ). I can understand how you just blurted it out without giving it much thought, i guess since she's a roommate you're all kinda friendly and familiar with eachother sooo I'd say extremely mild YTA just cause you did make her uncomfortable but don't sweat on it you didn't do it on purpose she'll just forget about it. It's just that having bigger b👀bs than average can make you severely self conscious precisely because you're worried everyone is constantly noticing them so you basically confirmed her fears lol.
tentative NAH. Bit of a social misstep saying it like that; would've probably been better to not mention the cup size and say "this looks like x's" or just hand it to them and let them sort it between them, but i don't think you meant any harm by it.
They were in the gf’s closet in the gf’s room. Why was X’s bra in there? The roomies apparently don’t share clothes since they’re clearly different sizes. If I were in that situation, I’d have picked an unfamiliar bra up (remember that OP and gf are moving in together, so he probably has a working knowledge of her lingerie collection), and tried to figure out whether this was just something I hadn’t seen before, then would have thought it looked too big, then would have checked the size to confirm. Then I would have said something very close to what the OP said to explain why I was holding my gf’s roommate’s bra that I found in the closet I was asked to help clean out. NTA.
Sometimes in not a flag. Sometimes it's a red bra tied to the stick