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NTA
Sounds like she wanted to be more than a "work wife"
Unfortunately you may have to take a restraining order out on her. You did nothing out of line and could have no way of knowing she was about to become so crazy. You have actually shown restraint.
Good luck!
And I third it. She sounds unstable, and you didn’t push her over the edge, she was ready to jump at any moment. NTA. Protect your family!
Good luck OP.
It horrified me, but it gave me a lot of validation. I was also SAd and remember hugging my abuser after because when they were done, they cried and said they felt so bad about it. They called me for months saying if I don't say I love them, they'd kill themselves. I never had an explanation for why I did that. I never knew. I felt dirty and like it was all my fault. Baby reindeer made me cry because I completely recognized myself there and felt a huge weight off my shoulders. I've known for a while it WASN'T my fault but watching Baby Reindeer gave me a huge extra bit of closure.
Sorry. Just word vomited there. It's only the second time I've voiced this 😅
I not only third a restraining order, but depending on turn around time on that be sure the L&D floor of the hospital where you're giving birth has her name and picture and specify in your birth plan that she is not welcome for any of the process.
Maternity units in the UK are like fortresses. It's insanely difficult for even family members to get in without multiple stage approvals and checks. We visited a friend recently just after her daughter was born premature and had to give id etc just to be buzzed through onto the floor and again to be allowed into the ward, with our friend consulted and approved at both stages.
Tailgating , going in back way etc , ringing ward pretending to be someone else. Are all this bad people are willing to do
Luckily uk hospital know have security tag but that extra you have to ask for .
US hospital worker. You must show a valid driver’s license, to be able to visit anyone in our hospital. I would advise OP to take her name off of the directory- that way only husband can visit. Keep yourself & your baby safe - everyone else can visit once you get home.
Yes! I don’t know that she’ll get one only because enough stuff might not have happened, but it’s always good to try and at least file a report because then there’s a paper trail.
I had a friend that needed to get a restraining order and once it had gotten really bad, the cops were asking why she never reported anything before. It was bullshit and she eventually got one, but op should definitely cover her tracks and create a trail so that no one can reasonably be an asshole.
that’s the worst - there’s such stigma attached to reporting abuse; your abuser is threatening your life and the lives of your loved ones if you tell any of them; then, when you finally get the courage to report and pursue a restraining order, you’re forced to relive the trauma by documenting the most recent event to the first event (if you can even recall it) and treated like crap by the ones you’re seeking help from.
it’s so wrong.
All "work wives" want to be more than a "work wife". It's just way of flirting with a married man without having to take accountability for flirting with a married man.
I have had several "work husbands" in my career, many of them gay, and not a single one did I ever have any desire to have anything more than a professional relationship with. It was just the nature of our jobs that we pretty much spent 95% of our working life together and needed to have a good working relationship for both our and the 50+ people we led sakes.
This. 100%. It’s a joke but also we do spend all that time together and not with our families. We talk about work. And if we talk about our families it’s to commiserate that we are missing out on something with them…not running around behind them.
Exactly. My old work husband was a gay man. We would travel together for work and would hang out outside of work a lot as well. You spend more time at work than at home, so if anything, I feel bad for anyone who doesn't have a work spouse/ close work friends. N there is a limit to how much my husband wants to hear about work lol 1 time per story, but work husband would also be obsessed with work.
My husband has "work children" (most of the people who work for him are 10+ years younger, but we do try to do small things for them like baby gifts when their expecting or birthday cakes) and I've had "work siblings" (we mostly pulled harmless but annoying pranks on each other). To my knowledge, neither of us has had a work spouse, but so long as it stays just friendly, I wouldn't care.
Mine too… its cute. I call them the Scooby Gang. He did sort of have a work brother for a while too.. he got his best friend since junior high an interview that went well.
I was the "work wife" because I have the same name as my coworker's wife. His desk is next to mine. My actual husband also works with us on the same team but different role.
For awhile, I would get so triggered when my husband called my name at home when he needed something and I would also get irritated when my coworker calls my name for help..
Then i realized they both use the same tone... the calling wife for help tone....
Why does it have to be "work wife" or "work husband"? That is so creepy to me. Why can't we normalise "work sister" or "work brother" instead. No one gets creepy vibes from insinuating a sibling relationship like there is with a suggested marital inference.
Why can't it just be "friends"? Why does a friend at work need some sort of special title?
Ths work wife/husband/whatever stuff just never made sense to me. Does it make the relationship feel more special or something?
If you don't interact outside of work. You aren't friends. You are colleagues. So, I just don't get it.
I always thought that term was originally more poking fun at the fact that we’re all at work for what feels like 90% of our waking hours, to the point that we have whole second lives there.
It's the same weird thought process that makes people refer to 5 year old kids playing together as "boyfriend and girlfriend" because they're the opposite sex.
Yes. And I was really good friends with his wife, I met her through him. After we stopped working together his wife told me that she hated when he traveled without me. I guess she saw me as a really good friend that would also look out for her husband.
We're still friends now, but I live far away and just have a text relationship with both of them.
I understand that lately the term has seemed to change meaning, especially in the Reddit world, but it was in fact, just a good friendship that came out of a good working relationship.
Yes, I would say that the Huge-error-4916 does not work, and is jealous of her partners workmates. It’s insulting to working women to paint them as desperate , and pretend flirting only happens one way
Yeah I'd wager for some people, they lack a framework to justify having platonic opposite sex friends, especially ones you have a caring relationship with, because so many people are so weird about that, and "work spouse" gives them a kind of imperfect descriptor to explain their work friendship.
There are certainly people who use stuff like that as an excuse to flirt, but there are also people who use it to act overly familiar in plenty of nonsexual ways - often coming down to, it's hard to make friends as an adult and lots of adults are lonely and some people try to force a closeness in work relationships that isn't there and it ends in disaster.
I'm happy just calling people my work friends, but I am also ok having friends of any gender, so I'm not really the target demographic for work spouse nicknames.
Gay work husbands are the best. But I've never been tempted to cross the line with any of my work husbands - it is just nice to have someone you get on with when you work long hours
I think it depends. I had a "work wife" who I am still very good friends with. I happen to be gay and she's not, but we're just good friends and we still talk and socialize after many years. I think if there is no chance of romance or sex happening, it can work. But, if there's any chance of romantic attachment...yeah, that can be a problem.
What's wrong with the word "friend"? Why specifically use the term for a committed romantic partner? If you had a similar partnership with a woman, would she be your "work wife"? Not to jump on you specifically because its not like you invented this term, but I've always been mystified by this terminology.
I am a hetero woman that has been work wife with another hetero woman. We just thought it was funny to co op that silly title. I sometimes tease her husband that she was my wife first. We don't work together anymore, but we still open text messages with "Hey, Wifey".
Yeah, no. My husband's old work wife (he doesn't have one now) was a butch lesbian who had absolutely no interest in men. My work husband is several thousand miles away. It's never been more than a highly emotionally supportive relationship between colleagues who respect each other. That's what it really should mean - the person at work you turn to for work-related emotional support. If they are flirting - as in this case - a decent married person will not award them the title.
Agreed. I have a "work husband" but we are both straight women, we only call her that because she fixes things and kills bugs for me. It's all a joke and my actual husband finds it funny. I would never joke like that if my "work husband" was a man.
AGREED! I am a straight female and I have a 'work wife'. We joke that since we are together 8 hours, 5 days a week, we are spending more time with each other than we are with our respective families. We can explode about a stupid customer to each other because we understand each others jobs and can commiserate with each other. That is all.
Exactly, as long as everyone is on the same page and its all in good fun. When boundaries become blurred it's bound to create problems and hurt feelings.
My husband finds it funny that I have a work "husband" and I'll joke with him that if he doesn't treat me right I have options and can always run away with my work husband (she's really tall and my husband and I are shorter people, so I would joke that she's the better husband because she can reach things on the top shelf for me, so the next day he bought me a step ladder with my coworkers name on it lol), but if he ever genuinely felt hurt about the jokes I would stop immediately.
Why not? You can have friendships with people of the opposite sex, and work husband/wife is a joke term. It’s silly to police people making friendships.
Of course you can have platonic friends of the opposite gender! My best friend since middle school is a straight man, we've been friends forever and he was in my bridal party. My husband's (skinny, blonde and beautiful) best girl friend was one of my bridesmaids too.
But I only have one husband, and he only has one wife. We have healthy boundaries with our platonic friends, and they have healthy boundaries with us too.
My husband's girl friend has been dating her boyfriend for over a decade (her bf is very close to my husband and was a groomsman in our wedding too) and my best friend is single now but when he had a long term gf I always included her and made her feel welcome. We never "joked" that our friends were anything more than friends. We both have known our platonic friends for longer than we've known each other, but our friends would never claim they knew us better than we know each other.
Idk I just find the term "work wife/work husband" to be weird and insulting, as if spending a lot of time with a coworker means they are equal to a spouse. I'm a PreK teacher, I spent over 40 hours a week with my students, and I don't call myself their "school parent." They have parents, I'm just their teacher.
The thing is that (in my own experience in a male-dominated field, FWIW) many of these “relationships” are one-sided like in OOP’s husband’s case.
I’ve had several older men call me their “work wife” when they’re the last guys on earth I’d ever be attracted to. They think it’s a joke, but it’s low-key sexual harassment that’s still acceptable in some workplaces, especially with uneven power dynamics.
Like no dude, you’re 50 and overweight and I’m happily married. Please don’t call me your “work wife” and try to tuck in my blouse tag because we share the same high-pressure office space. Yuck.
This is a big problem I have with it, too: The supposed "joke" literally comes from a time when the only close relationship men and women were allowed to have was marital. It's also not funny, pretty much ever? So, I'm curious where the "joke" came from.
I'm not usually so hard assed about these things. But... the term causes multitudes of issues in relationships, is unfair to partners that don't know about it, and isn't funny. Why are we defending it? Let it die.
It's a dangerous joke.
I'm a woman and have a close male coworker. We work so well and found success. We're close friends outside of work now, too. His wife is lovely and his kids call me auntie. He is slightly senior to me at work.
When we both started climbing the latter, me one rung behind him due to seniority, suddenly there were rumors I was fucking my way to the top and blowing him on lunch breaks. That's when other people started asking him "where's your work wife"?
We both worked to shut that shit down, and still our boss called us into the office together to discuss the rumors that made it to her. Luckily she was understanding and told the others off.
It's fine if everyone knows it's a joke. But people weaponize it and take it too far.
That's not always the case. I am married and have a "work husband" and my friend considers me his "work wife." There is no flirting, we have respect for each other's relationships and families. We only call each other by these names because we work together a lot. We also have boundaries, we don't see each other outside of work without our significant others (we have been to a few bbq and kids birthday parties) and we don't contact each other outside of our working hours. In fact, his wife and I have become good friends. It is possible for adults to have a platonic friendships.
What's really interesting is how much time and energy you are spending trying to police the language that complete strangers use to label the relationships they have in their lives. If none of the 4 people involved find the term work-spouse to be disrespectful, I fail to see #1, why you would care, and #2 why you think you get to establish the boundaries of respect for anyone other than yourself. If you find the term disrespectful to you and your spouse then don't use it, but I don't think you should be making that determination for anyone else.
> It’s just interesting because you could just simply not use that label and it would be 828282 times more respectful
In my experience it's normally other people in the organization that start using the terminology. It's not initiated by either of the so labeled parties.
Ok, so why is it necessary to call them a work wife/husband if they're just a platonic friend? Just call them a friend. I don't understand having to dub them something disrespectful to the person who already holds that place in your life.
I mean, my husband used to work with an older woman who would always buy him nice gifts or buy his lunch and I’m 99% certain she just saw him as a son, nothing sexual, and even if she did, I know without a doubt my husband would never cross the line. I actually was the one that started calling her his work wife. They’re just words, and if the parties involved don’t find them disrespectful, then it’s not disrespect. Not everything has to be offensive.
It's okay to have fun and silliness at work. I'm a woman and in the past I've had a work wife and a work husband. My actual husband has a work wife and a work husband. They send each other memes at work and have someone they can make faces at during stupid meetings. It's not offensive to me that my spouse has fun at work.
This is entirely incorrect.
People who flirt with each other at work are not the definition of work spouses. Some work spouses become more, *some* work spouses are angling for more (just like in some friendships), but most are just the go-to best 9-5 work friend of another person. My work husbands have all been like roommates. Inside jokes and guaranteed lunch and coffee breaks and work humor, etc.
There are a bunch of insecure people out here.
The girl complained about in OP’s comment is a messsssss.
Not really. I've been a "work wife" to quite a few of my colleagues, & nothing dangerous ever happens. I know the boundaries & shut it down quick if anyone ever steps over it. Thankfully that's only happened once, but nothing that wasn't easily resolved. It is possible to have a "work wife" relationship, with nothing nefarious behind it.
>I know the boundaries & shut it down quick if anyone ever steps over it. Thankfully that's only happened once, but nothing that wasn't easily resolved.
Lmao, would've never happened *at all* if you just didn't do it. Why such a need to defend an outdated term?
Expect her to call CPS. Get a quick statement from people that observed the interactions. Keep a very specific log of all her calls, texts, emails. Put up cameras. Don't expect this to be done.
Sounds like you have an awesome husband.
It's totally OK to drink a sip here and there. Straight from my OB.
Be safe. Edited to add... I wonder if she has anything in her background?
>Sounds like she wanted to be more than a "work wife"
Absolutely! I was once called my boss's work wife, and it was WEIRD because not only did I not have any sort of "wife" feelings towards him, he was married with kids, and I'd met them several times. We worked well together, which I guess is why whoever said it decided the term fit (I don't even remember who at this point), but it was super weird to me. To have someone claim that title for her self ... ick. NTA. OP's priority should be protecting herself, her husband, and their almost-here-baby.
I hate the whole "work wife/work husband" thing. I have a friendly relationship with most of my colleagues, and there are a few that I would call actual friends, but none of them ever have or ever would enter the realm of a "spousal" relationship. That's just weird.
Eerily enough, this sounds so much like my (30F) generically-named "crazy ex" (28M). He did the exact same things to me and my now ex-fiance (called me while he was having sex with other people, vandalized two of my ex's cars, and had his flying monkey friends follow us to our workplaces, apartments, across county lines, etc., and managed to convince the whole town that I was living in that I am a raging psychotic bitch worth beating up if seen out in public). Because of him and his BS, I was basically ran out of town, along with my ex-fiance (we didn't mind that much. It wasn't anything to cry over). I can't show my face in that area without death stares, him somehow finding out where I am in town, or straight violent threats. I had to file a civil suit and get a cease and desist order, a restraing order. Ugh. Fun times, really.
You were justified. And good on your husband for having your back and defending you! She was wayyy out of line...
Is it possible that she is jealous of you and your marriage? Trying desperately to earn the work wife title spiked my concerns...like, she was trying to insert herself into your husband's life to eventually steal him. Pathetic.
I’m so sorry you had to go through that. Yes she once made a joke calling herself his work wife to which he told me he replied saying that he’s still married to his real wife at work. He’s told me that he’s been shutting down her advances as politely as he can as confrontation is neither of our things. But yes I believe she was trying to get him to cheat on me by constantly trying to portray herself as the more laid back cool young option. Although that facade clearly didn’t last long LOL.
How sad. Could you imagine trying to go after somebody else's husband?? I'm glad your husband has been so transparent, it's clear that he hasn't led her on from your description. Thank god she quit. Like I said in my other message, I'd threaten her with a restraining order and see how she responds
I never understood why some women are like this. I never was someone who got attention from women, which made it extra noticeable when suddenly whenever I was in a relationship there was a few women who took a huge interest in me and would desperately try to get me to cheat.
Like why would anyone want to be either the affair partner or the woman who stole their man from another woman...made literally no sense to me but like clockwork whenever I was single they just left me alone.
I'm a man so all I was talking about was my experience with women. I don't need to bring up that men might also do a thing when talking about a thing that women in my life did, especially when I didn't have experience with men doing the thing. I never said women are the only ones who do this.
They are clearly mentally unwell. I will tell you what my FORMER best friend believed; she felt that the only way to know if a man was “a good boyfriend” was if he had a serious partner already. Then she worked hard to get him away from that partner. It never seemed to occur to her that 1) he was unfaithful, or 2) that she did this over and over to prove to herself she was more desirable than any man’s female partner.
Here’s the shocker - those relationships never lasted long.
There's probably an element of "This person has been vetted by someone else to be okay to be in a relationship with" to it, but I think mostly it's that taking someone away from another person is a bigger "high" than just getting someone who isn't in a relationship into one. And it's not gendered, either. Men will do the same thing, but it's usually passed off as just being naturally competitive rather than something wrong with them emotionally and/or psychologically.
It’s especially weird to think 30 is too old to be pregnant in the UK, where we don’t really have a culture of young religious marriages. Isn’t the average age here like 31 now or something? My mum had me at 30, 35 years ago and although it was considered a ‘geriatric pregnancy’ then, most of my friends mums were of a very similar age. Granted I’m now in London where we’re all broke and can’t afford stable housing but most of my friendship group have moved out of London to buy and had their babies post covid. So 33+
Also does anyone really think a single sip of g&t is a concern for FAS here?! Other than her! Because again we’re not really a nation that holds uptight views about booze are we - although there’s definitely a sense of public ownership over pregnant bodies for sure. Obviously drinking when pregnant is bad but common sense suggests that a single sip is not what is being talked about there. Although she’s clearly lacking in the any sense type of sense department.
I think it’s unlikely she’ll be sectioned though. Unfortunately she probably won’t be able to get much mental health support any time soon unless she’s actually dealing with some kind of psychosis around the status of her and your husband or something (which it doesn’t sound like). She’ll probably be given a login to some online CBT and 6 phone sessions if she waits 18m for the privilege. It absolutely does sound like she needs mental health support though. Hopefully the police can at least go and give her a caution and that puts her off continuing, although the county isn’t exactly swimming in them either are they. Hopefully you being pregnant will give them a bit of a kick up the arse to try and deal with it.
Just so you know, you can set Apple Watches up to do emergency calls to a named person (not 999) - probably other comparable watches as well. If you’re feeling vulnerable it might be a way of having that reassurance that you would always be able to covertly call your husband should she ambush you.
Yeah, it's been known to be *just fine* to have small amounts of alcohol (spread out) throughout pregnancy for quite a while now. Like, a few ounces of wine once a month or something is actually ok. Caffeine, too, is not as big of a deal as people used to think. Too many people get outdated pregnancy "advice" from, like, their mother's and grandmother's and never even bother to check the current research or, ya know, ask their doctor. TBF, some doctors don't stay up on current research, but still.
Yeah, especially at 8.5 months pregnant. The nervous system at that stage is completely developed, so a little bit of alcohol is not going to do anything.
> she once made a joke calling herself his work wife to which he told me he replied saying that he’s still married to his real wife at work
That was is a great response by him! It seems he had genuinely tried to shut her down and didn't encouraged her behaviour at all. At least she has quit so he no longer has to deal with her at work!
Your edit says you don't consider her a threat to anyone but yourself, but that is rational thinking from a sane person. She is not sane or rational, and while she probably won't do anything, I think it's naive to assume she's not a potential threat and not take reasonable precautions.
You've been fortunate, the reason you hear so much about crazy ex girlfriends and not so much about crazy ex boyfriends is, because with men the girl doesn't usually survive
She is full on psychotic. NTA. I was expecting your husband to be less supportive of your position but I’m really pleased to hear his response.
Work wife resigned from her job *and* got fired.
I’m honestly surprised to see this here. Do you truly think you’re the asshole here? She is clearly unwell and I think you should report her to the police
People don't bother anymore, they post stories where they're blatantly not the AH, I don't know why, maybe because this sub is popular?
Next week: "*My brother stabbed me 16 times, after which I called him a meanie and he says I was being rude. AITA?"*
Validation, and solidarity, especially if the other person in the scenario has launched “flying monkeys” at the poster and they’re feeling ganged up on.
..really? You don't understand the idea that people want to share something crazy that happened to them and receive feedback, validation, and attention?
😅
INFO: Where did he stab you? If you survived 16 stabs he may not have been trying that hard. Also, you called him a meanie - words can sting just as hard sometimes.
Once we got an honest to god "someone asked me for my house, AITA for not immediately handing it over" I gave up taking this place seriously. Like... that's the *joke* I used to make about this place.
Some people realize that calling the police on someone is a life or death situation. Police are known to gun down mentally unwell people in the name of “self defense”.
Even if you’re reasonably sure, there are a lot of master manipulators out there that can make you feel guilty anyway. I’ve been on the receiving end of that, and it’s crazy how clear it all becomes once you get some other perspectives and some distance. I feel like this sub is 95% that and 5% people who are super oblivious to that fact that they are very much the AH.
There's an unfortunately common line of thought that anything someone does while in possession of a mental illness is the other person's fault for "setting them off." This can be used to sweep a lot of very abusive actions under the rug, and it's very plausible to me that OP would feel guilty or wonder if the obsessive behavior was her fault.
I agree - it’s an obvious NTA from my perspective but I can see how dealing with someone who is seemingly unstable may make someone feel like a reasonable response is mean.
Some people are so eager to please or keep the peace. Some people don't have self esteem. Some people think ignoring the problem will work.
I know some of these people. I used to be a people pleaser.
NTA
First of all, for anyone who might be wondering: there's science backing up that a single sip of alcohol is not going to harm you or the baby.
Secondly, this girl clearly wanted to get with your husband and was completely out of line. You were just defending yourself.
Thirdly, at this point she is harassing you and you should file a police report
There was probably as much alcohol in a glass of orange juice as in that sip of g&t, but people just *have* to judge anything a pregnant woman does.
Or any woman, for that matter.
I was looking into that actually! Grape juice can have up to 1% abv, and orange juice up to 0.5%. So in both cases, a glass of juice would have far more booze than a sip of G&T
I joyfully celebrated (with copious amounts of alcohol) my mum's 60th birthday three days before I felt like something was up and decided to do a pregnancy test, which turned out to be positive.
I didn't drink again until baby was 6 months old - had the occasional one drink at dinner and still breastfed. Kid is fine.
NTA. Take all the voicemails and emails to the police, start a paper trail, see if you can get a restraining order (have hubs get the HR stuff too). I would not trust her in any way, shape, or form.
Yeah, I'd be concerned about false reports to social services as well. Not sure what can be done to preempt this but I would make sure all medical notes, appointment etc are in order and keep the house well stocked with nappies, formula and generally look on top of things if they show up. Definitely NTA, work wife my arse more like work bunny boiler.
Fetal alcohol syndrome is terrible. Chronic alcohol use while pregnant is dangerous.
I didn't find out I was pregnant until I was literally at the half way point (19.5 weeks exactly). I partied alot because I was getting over a break up. I had quit smoking just before the implantation but I drank myself dark several times during my pregnancy before I knew. When I found out the first thing I told my ob was that i was worried I hurt my kid. He was like 80, very kind and a very good doctor. But he told me that even with regular use the odds were still in my favor and as long as I stopped drinking when I found out that I still had good odds. I was sick with worry the entire time though.
All that being said, if I see a woman drinking or smoking while pregnant I merely judge her in my head or say something to my husband privately and move on. It's not my job to police every pregnant body and really, it won't change someone's mind.
One sip of a watered down party cocktail is not going to harm your baby. Many drink a glass of wine while pregnant in different global societies with just as robust healthy birth rates as the US.
This woman clearly has an obsession with you and your husband though, and truly you need to document everything.
My mom never drank while pregnant, only smoked weed. All of us, execpt the kid she didn't smoke weed with, came out normal. He had double clubbed feet or "angels feet" both were turned in. My mom swears up and down it's cuz she didn't smoke weed. I think it was either genetics or age(38)
I am glad your baby was healthy! I think your doctor gave you a very optimistic version of the truth since there was nothing you could do about it at that point
It seems more like a stalker situation imo. You need to report this to the police, ensure you have security cameras to ensure she doesn't try to get in the house.
File a police report. They may have enough to go after her for harassment. If not, at least it'll be documented incase continues to escalate things. Depending on where you live you can file for a restraining order or no contact order. DO NOT engage with her. Any attention, even negative will encourage her to continue. Document everything she does. And for the record, you are NOT the AH.
NTA
>And her other concern being that I’m too old to be pregnant.
What. She is really reaching for any excuse to trash talk you, isn't she? 30 isn't too old for pregnancy. What the hell is she going on about?
Anyway, change your numbers if that's an option. Look into restraining orders. The lady is crazy and I'd be nervous she'd try something nefarious.
Seriously. Women can naturally - without intervention- have kids into their early 50s. It's rare but it does happen. The oldest woman to naturally (ie, no IVF) become pregnant known was 59 when she gave birth.
I'm about to have my first at 36 and feel the same way! Partially because my mom keeps saying "my baby is having a baby!"... despite me being older than she was when she had me.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told a women who may have some serious issues to fuck off after this she’s had some sort of break down and this and my husband reports to HR caused her to have to leave her job. I believe I may be the ass hole because of this
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Not sure why you’re getting downvoted these are both completely valid points.
I cant imagine anyone honestly writing this and going “yeah i might be the asshole.”
Pregnant women also count in weeks because it’s confusing counting in months. At 8.5 months you still have a month and a half, or 6 weeks, left. It’s way too early to be taking maternity leave. Because as all pregnant women know, you’re pregnant for 10 months, not 9. She hasn’t posted or commented on a single post on any pregnancy subreddits, even though she’s a first time mom. Fake as fuck.
I immediately noticed that. "I’m 8 an a half months pregnant currently so I am not working for obvious reasons." Is not a sentence I can imagine a pregnant woman saying. It's super confusing to count in months. And you can be 31/32 weeks and about "8.5 months pregnant." Tons of women are working when they're 32 weeks pregnant. There is nothing obvious about why you would not be.
Nta. However I *am* baffled by something. If I as a man worked with a woman and the very 1st time she mentions my SO in a derogatory way, my response would leave absolutely NO room for further future comments. I'm confused that you say "she keeps saying xyz" and is insisting on this stupid title. How does a working relationship get to this point where one of your colleague's SOs is a random topic of discussion? I'd he had put a stop to her overstepping effectively the 1st time, it would never have gotten to this point.
Am I the only one whose personal life isn't up for discussion at my workplace?
Not op, but between the party and it being a small company, it sounds like the kind of place where the staff socialize outside of work hours and spouses are welcome.
OMG. I was just at a shower and the bride accidentally had a sip when she grabbed the wrong glass. NTA. Extremely small quantities aren't going to hurt. I once heard a glass of wine every now and then wouldn't hurt but that was the thought some 20 years ago.
NTA. Lady is crazy. Forcing work wife/ work husband makes me so uncomfortable. Shouldn’t be a thing even for single people let alone married ones. Makes people think they can overstep boundaries. Insulting you to your husband other huge red flag that should have been reported.
You’re 30 years old. How the fuck is that old to have children?
I would save every text she sends. Send her a cease and desist letter, then report to the police if she keeps harassing you.
NTA...Firstly I had my last child 40( very nearly 41) so ya not too old. From all the phone calls it sounds like she's a bit of a stalker. I'd keep a log of all calls, emails messages etc and contact police. Plus I'd definitely have told her to fuck off too.
NTA. At all. Sounds like she is obsessed with your husband and I would consider taking out a restraining order and seeking legal action if this continues. She is unfortunately obviously very sick, but that is neither of your responsibility. Congrats on the pregnancy, I wish you all beautiful happy healthy lives!
NTA.
What you should do is document everything. You and your husband need to inform the police that your are being harassed, and talk to a lawyer about some order of protection.
If she has knowledge of were you live (I don't know why she might, but she sound like she would try too, just with the amount of phone calls), can you stay anywhere else? Parents maybe, your husband or yours. Also, it sounds like she obsessed with your husband, so just make sure you and your husband communicate with each other and family about what is going on.
Now, this bit is for you. This is in not way your fault. You are heavily pregnant and now I'm assuming your a freaked out, but this woman is not in anyway your responsibility, not her losing her job, nor is her mental health. When people do things to you, even when they are sick, they are still doing those things. Which can still upset and scare you, which means you have every right to have any emotion you are having. You need to focus on three things, you, your husband, and your baby. Not on this woman, and her well-being. Your family is your responsibility, not her. Your husband had to report her, your mild response (in my opinion, because she was overstepping, to you a heavily pregnant woman, telling her to F off is called for more so when she is being a creep) was called for.
I also wish all the best for you and your family.
Don't take this lightly - murder is a leading cause of death for pregnant women. This woman sounds obsessed with your husband. You being pregnant seems to have really set her off.
Even though she’s no longer employed there, I hope that HR would still support you on taking this to another level - since they’re the ones that exposed your family to this problem. Agree that a restraining order, harassment case should be explored.
These posts are so stupid. “Reddit, am I the ah for doing something relatively benign and then having some random person who wants to fuck my husband flip out and start stalking us???” Idk I feel like you know the answer or you’re farming for upvotes.
NTA. A neighborhood restaurant has gin & tonic slushies in the summer. My daughter was born at the end of August 10 years ago. That summer was so damn hot. I had a spoon full or two that summer. You’re good momma.
Nta.
On a side note, kill me if I ever have to attend a BBQ at my boss' with all of my coworkers and make small talk. Unless you are holding it within work hours where I am getting paid, absolutely the fuck not.
NTA!!! I’m 40, almost 41. My kids are grown and nearly grown and I have classmates from high school who have little ones in diapers others are grandparents…kids happen when they happen.
She’s a walking psycho-thriller from the 90s like Fatal Attraction, only your husband is also telling her no. I would consider an order of protection or whatever you call restraining orders where you’re from.
NTA
She wanted to get with your husband. He said no. She wanted to make you look bad. Your husband stood up for you and she wasn't happy about that. She wished for your baby to be dead so I think telling her to F off was a bare minimum reaction. She was already over the edge. You are just getting closer to having enough to get a restraining order against her.
Holy crap. She's definitely unhinged. No wrapped too tightly. She also clearly doesn't know that the dangers of fetal alcohol syndrome mainly occur during the first trimester (not that it's not harmful at any other time, but the first trimester is where most of the damage happens). One tiny sip at this stage in the game didn't hurt anything. I think I'd be filing a complaint with the police at this point.
NTA. I feel your response was calm and well measured in light of the egregiousness of her comment. And just so you know--when I was reading this to my partner, I said,"I'll bet she didn't quit. She was 'asked to resign.' You don't send out that many expletive riddled emails and voice-mails and get to keep your job."
Good job getting this handled. I hope the remainder of your pregnancy is stress free, and that labour and birth are smooth and uncomplicated for both mother and baby. Take care.
I didn't get past the comment about being "too old". If she thinks 30 is too old, she's in for a rude awakening. As someone who had a spontaneous *twin* pregnancy at 39, 30 is far from too old.
For that alone, NTA
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NTA Sounds like she wanted to be more than a "work wife" Unfortunately you may have to take a restraining order out on her. You did nothing out of line and could have no way of knowing she was about to become so crazy. You have actually shown restraint. Good luck!
I second exploring a restraining order.
And I third it. She sounds unstable, and you didn’t push her over the edge, she was ready to jump at any moment. NTA. Protect your family! Good luck OP.
Yea I would be afraid that op could go thru a situation like Beyonce in Obsessed, probably not as dramatic but still a scary thought.
Bunny boiling Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction! Yikes!
I was thinking about Hand That Rocks The Cradle.
So was I 😬
This is exactly what I thought about as well.
Just thought of the same thing!
Are you sure that 'work wife' isn't a Scottish woman named Fiona Harvey, better known as the real life Martha?
I was getting Baby Reindeer vibes...
Same here. I think it's the excessive calls. She definitely didn't email as much as "Martha."
Sent from iPhnoe
Omg, I binged Baby Reindeer a couple of weeks ago. What a cluster fuck!
It horrified me, but it gave me a lot of validation. I was also SAd and remember hugging my abuser after because when they were done, they cried and said they felt so bad about it. They called me for months saying if I don't say I love them, they'd kill themselves. I never had an explanation for why I did that. I never knew. I felt dirty and like it was all my fault. Baby reindeer made me cry because I completely recognized myself there and felt a huge weight off my shoulders. I've known for a while it WASN'T my fault but watching Baby Reindeer gave me a huge extra bit of closure. Sorry. Just word vomited there. It's only the second time I've voiced this 😅
That show creeped me out! But I couldn’t stop watching.
Yeah ... this lady is giving off huge "it's your job to incubate \*our\* baby" vibes here.
That is so creepy, I walk talk to the police before you become a Netflix documentary.
Or the jilted "work wife" could try to do something to the baby
I not only third a restraining order, but depending on turn around time on that be sure the L&D floor of the hospital where you're giving birth has her name and picture and specify in your birth plan that she is not welcome for any of the process.
Maternity units in the UK are like fortresses. It's insanely difficult for even family members to get in without multiple stage approvals and checks. We visited a friend recently just after her daughter was born premature and had to give id etc just to be buzzed through onto the floor and again to be allowed into the ward, with our friend consulted and approved at both stages.
Tailgating , going in back way etc , ringing ward pretending to be someone else. Are all this bad people are willing to do Luckily uk hospital know have security tag but that extra you have to ask for .
As a nurse I could tell you some crazy stories. Even with all of that in place, I'd still alert her clinical staff.
US hospital worker. You must show a valid driver’s license, to be able to visit anyone in our hospital. I would advise OP to take her name off of the directory- that way only husband can visit. Keep yourself & your baby safe - everyone else can visit once you get home.
It was so nice of her to leave behind all of that evidence for the RO - would hate for it to go to waste!
Yes! I don’t know that she’ll get one only because enough stuff might not have happened, but it’s always good to try and at least file a report because then there’s a paper trail. I had a friend that needed to get a restraining order and once it had gotten really bad, the cops were asking why she never reported anything before. It was bullshit and she eventually got one, but op should definitely cover her tracks and create a trail so that no one can reasonably be an asshole.
that’s the worst - there’s such stigma attached to reporting abuse; your abuser is threatening your life and the lives of your loved ones if you tell any of them; then, when you finally get the courage to report and pursue a restraining order, you’re forced to relive the trauma by documenting the most recent event to the first event (if you can even recall it) and treated like crap by the ones you’re seeking help from. it’s so wrong.
And possibly a weapon. A restraining order is only a piece of paper.
All "work wives" want to be more than a "work wife". It's just way of flirting with a married man without having to take accountability for flirting with a married man.
I have had several "work husbands" in my career, many of them gay, and not a single one did I ever have any desire to have anything more than a professional relationship with. It was just the nature of our jobs that we pretty much spent 95% of our working life together and needed to have a good working relationship for both our and the 50+ people we led sakes.
This. 100%. It’s a joke but also we do spend all that time together and not with our families. We talk about work. And if we talk about our families it’s to commiserate that we are missing out on something with them…not running around behind them.
Exactly. My old work husband was a gay man. We would travel together for work and would hang out outside of work a lot as well. You spend more time at work than at home, so if anything, I feel bad for anyone who doesn't have a work spouse/ close work friends. N there is a limit to how much my husband wants to hear about work lol 1 time per story, but work husband would also be obsessed with work.
My husband has "work children" (most of the people who work for him are 10+ years younger, but we do try to do small things for them like baby gifts when their expecting or birthday cakes) and I've had "work siblings" (we mostly pulled harmless but annoying pranks on each other). To my knowledge, neither of us has had a work spouse, but so long as it stays just friendly, I wouldn't care.
Mine too… its cute. I call them the Scooby Gang. He did sort of have a work brother for a while too.. he got his best friend since junior high an interview that went well.
I was the "work wife" because I have the same name as my coworker's wife. His desk is next to mine. My actual husband also works with us on the same team but different role. For awhile, I would get so triggered when my husband called my name at home when he needed something and I would also get irritated when my coworker calls my name for help.. Then i realized they both use the same tone... the calling wife for help tone....
I had an older coworker who used to say my name in the naggiest tone from the get go. Turns out her “challenging” daughter had the same name.
Why does it have to be "work wife" or "work husband"? That is so creepy to me. Why can't we normalise "work sister" or "work brother" instead. No one gets creepy vibes from insinuating a sibling relationship like there is with a suggested marital inference.
Why can't it just be "friends"? Why does a friend at work need some sort of special title? Ths work wife/husband/whatever stuff just never made sense to me. Does it make the relationship feel more special or something? If you don't interact outside of work. You aren't friends. You are colleagues. So, I just don't get it.
I always thought that term was originally more poking fun at the fact that we’re all at work for what feels like 90% of our waking hours, to the point that we have whole second lives there.
It was. People just try to make it something bad or creepy. The insecurities are mind-boggling.
It's the same weird thought process that makes people refer to 5 year old kids playing together as "boyfriend and girlfriend" because they're the opposite sex.
Or just the good old fashioned term co-workers
Or "work friend"?
Yes. And I was really good friends with his wife, I met her through him. After we stopped working together his wife told me that she hated when he traveled without me. I guess she saw me as a really good friend that would also look out for her husband. We're still friends now, but I live far away and just have a text relationship with both of them. I understand that lately the term has seemed to change meaning, especially in the Reddit world, but it was in fact, just a good friendship that came out of a good working relationship.
Yes, I would say that the Huge-error-4916 does not work, and is jealous of her partners workmates. It’s insulting to working women to paint them as desperate , and pretend flirting only happens one way
Yeah I'd wager for some people, they lack a framework to justify having platonic opposite sex friends, especially ones you have a caring relationship with, because so many people are so weird about that, and "work spouse" gives them a kind of imperfect descriptor to explain their work friendship. There are certainly people who use stuff like that as an excuse to flirt, but there are also people who use it to act overly familiar in plenty of nonsexual ways - often coming down to, it's hard to make friends as an adult and lots of adults are lonely and some people try to force a closeness in work relationships that isn't there and it ends in disaster. I'm happy just calling people my work friends, but I am also ok having friends of any gender, so I'm not really the target demographic for work spouse nicknames.
Gay work husbands are the best. But I've never been tempted to cross the line with any of my work husbands - it is just nice to have someone you get on with when you work long hours
I think it depends. I had a "work wife" who I am still very good friends with. I happen to be gay and she's not, but we're just good friends and we still talk and socialize after many years. I think if there is no chance of romance or sex happening, it can work. But, if there's any chance of romantic attachment...yeah, that can be a problem.
What's wrong with the word "friend"? Why specifically use the term for a committed romantic partner? If you had a similar partnership with a woman, would she be your "work wife"? Not to jump on you specifically because its not like you invented this term, but I've always been mystified by this terminology.
I am a hetero woman that has been work wife with another hetero woman. We just thought it was funny to co op that silly title. I sometimes tease her husband that she was my wife first. We don't work together anymore, but we still open text messages with "Hey, Wifey".
Quite the strange term tho
Yeah, no. My husband's old work wife (he doesn't have one now) was a butch lesbian who had absolutely no interest in men. My work husband is several thousand miles away. It's never been more than a highly emotionally supportive relationship between colleagues who respect each other. That's what it really should mean - the person at work you turn to for work-related emotional support. If they are flirting - as in this case - a decent married person will not award them the title.
Yes it sounds like the husband acted appropriately and shut it down. And didn’t consider this woman his work spouse
My husband has a work husband and a work wife! Everyone needs people at work.
“Work wife”/“work husband” can also just be a joke.
Agreed. I have a "work husband" but we are both straight women, we only call her that because she fixes things and kills bugs for me. It's all a joke and my actual husband finds it funny. I would never joke like that if my "work husband" was a man.
AGREED! I am a straight female and I have a 'work wife'. We joke that since we are together 8 hours, 5 days a week, we are spending more time with each other than we are with our respective families. We can explode about a stupid customer to each other because we understand each others jobs and can commiserate with each other. That is all.
Exactly, as long as everyone is on the same page and its all in good fun. When boundaries become blurred it's bound to create problems and hurt feelings. My husband finds it funny that I have a work "husband" and I'll joke with him that if he doesn't treat me right I have options and can always run away with my work husband (she's really tall and my husband and I are shorter people, so I would joke that she's the better husband because she can reach things on the top shelf for me, so the next day he bought me a step ladder with my coworkers name on it lol), but if he ever genuinely felt hurt about the jokes I would stop immediately.
My husband's "work wife" is another (straight) man. 🤷🏼♀️ Sometimes you just gotta take the 'wife' you're dealt.
Why not? You can have friendships with people of the opposite sex, and work husband/wife is a joke term. It’s silly to police people making friendships.
Of course you can have platonic friends of the opposite gender! My best friend since middle school is a straight man, we've been friends forever and he was in my bridal party. My husband's (skinny, blonde and beautiful) best girl friend was one of my bridesmaids too. But I only have one husband, and he only has one wife. We have healthy boundaries with our platonic friends, and they have healthy boundaries with us too. My husband's girl friend has been dating her boyfriend for over a decade (her bf is very close to my husband and was a groomsman in our wedding too) and my best friend is single now but when he had a long term gf I always included her and made her feel welcome. We never "joked" that our friends were anything more than friends. We both have known our platonic friends for longer than we've known each other, but our friends would never claim they knew us better than we know each other. Idk I just find the term "work wife/work husband" to be weird and insulting, as if spending a lot of time with a coworker means they are equal to a spouse. I'm a PreK teacher, I spent over 40 hours a week with my students, and I don't call myself their "school parent." They have parents, I'm just their teacher.
The thing is that (in my own experience in a male-dominated field, FWIW) many of these “relationships” are one-sided like in OOP’s husband’s case. I’ve had several older men call me their “work wife” when they’re the last guys on earth I’d ever be attracted to. They think it’s a joke, but it’s low-key sexual harassment that’s still acceptable in some workplaces, especially with uneven power dynamics. Like no dude, you’re 50 and overweight and I’m happily married. Please don’t call me your “work wife” and try to tuck in my blouse tag because we share the same high-pressure office space. Yuck.
This is a big problem I have with it, too: The supposed "joke" literally comes from a time when the only close relationship men and women were allowed to have was marital. It's also not funny, pretty much ever? So, I'm curious where the "joke" came from. I'm not usually so hard assed about these things. But... the term causes multitudes of issues in relationships, is unfair to partners that don't know about it, and isn't funny. Why are we defending it? Let it die.
It's a dangerous joke. I'm a woman and have a close male coworker. We work so well and found success. We're close friends outside of work now, too. His wife is lovely and his kids call me auntie. He is slightly senior to me at work. When we both started climbing the latter, me one rung behind him due to seniority, suddenly there were rumors I was fucking my way to the top and blowing him on lunch breaks. That's when other people started asking him "where's your work wife"? We both worked to shut that shit down, and still our boss called us into the office together to discuss the rumors that made it to her. Luckily she was understanding and told the others off. It's fine if everyone knows it's a joke. But people weaponize it and take it too far.
That's how the terms started. It was a joke about opposite sex coworkers that work well together/are always on the same project.
That's not always the case. I am married and have a "work husband" and my friend considers me his "work wife." There is no flirting, we have respect for each other's relationships and families. We only call each other by these names because we work together a lot. We also have boundaries, we don't see each other outside of work without our significant others (we have been to a few bbq and kids birthday parties) and we don't contact each other outside of our working hours. In fact, his wife and I have become good friends. It is possible for adults to have a platonic friendships.
It’s just interesting because you could just simply not use that label and it would be 828282 times more respectful
What's really interesting is how much time and energy you are spending trying to police the language that complete strangers use to label the relationships they have in their lives. If none of the 4 people involved find the term work-spouse to be disrespectful, I fail to see #1, why you would care, and #2 why you think you get to establish the boundaries of respect for anyone other than yourself. If you find the term disrespectful to you and your spouse then don't use it, but I don't think you should be making that determination for anyone else.
You know terms can have more than one meaning. We also don't run around introducing ourselves as such. Our actions speak for themselves.
> It’s just interesting because you could just simply not use that label and it would be 828282 times more respectful In my experience it's normally other people in the organization that start using the terminology. It's not initiated by either of the so labeled parties.
Ok, so why is it necessary to call them a work wife/husband if they're just a platonic friend? Just call them a friend. I don't understand having to dub them something disrespectful to the person who already holds that place in your life.
It's only disrespecteful if the actual spouse has a problem with it.
I mean, my husband used to work with an older woman who would always buy him nice gifts or buy his lunch and I’m 99% certain she just saw him as a son, nothing sexual, and even if she did, I know without a doubt my husband would never cross the line. I actually was the one that started calling her his work wife. They’re just words, and if the parties involved don’t find them disrespectful, then it’s not disrespect. Not everything has to be offensive.
It's okay to have fun and silliness at work. I'm a woman and in the past I've had a work wife and a work husband. My actual husband has a work wife and a work husband. They send each other memes at work and have someone they can make faces at during stupid meetings. It's not offensive to me that my spouse has fun at work.
This is entirely incorrect. People who flirt with each other at work are not the definition of work spouses. Some work spouses become more, *some* work spouses are angling for more (just like in some friendships), but most are just the go-to best 9-5 work friend of another person. My work husbands have all been like roommates. Inside jokes and guaranteed lunch and coffee breaks and work humor, etc. There are a bunch of insecure people out here. The girl complained about in OP’s comment is a messsssss.
Not really. I've been a "work wife" to quite a few of my colleagues, & nothing dangerous ever happens. I know the boundaries & shut it down quick if anyone ever steps over it. Thankfully that's only happened once, but nothing that wasn't easily resolved. It is possible to have a "work wife" relationship, with nothing nefarious behind it.
>I know the boundaries & shut it down quick if anyone ever steps over it. Thankfully that's only happened once, but nothing that wasn't easily resolved. Lmao, would've never happened *at all* if you just didn't do it. Why such a need to defend an outdated term?
Security cameras may also not be the worst of ideas. Best outcome is it raises the value of the property somewhat slightly.
OP also needs to show her photo to the hospital she'll be giving birth at and let them know this woman isn't to be let anywhere near them or the baby
Expect her to call CPS. Get a quick statement from people that observed the interactions. Keep a very specific log of all her calls, texts, emails. Put up cameras. Don't expect this to be done. Sounds like you have an awesome husband. It's totally OK to drink a sip here and there. Straight from my OB. Be safe. Edited to add... I wonder if she has anything in her background?
>Sounds like she wanted to be more than a "work wife" Absolutely! I was once called my boss's work wife, and it was WEIRD because not only did I not have any sort of "wife" feelings towards him, he was married with kids, and I'd met them several times. We worked well together, which I guess is why whoever said it decided the term fit (I don't even remember who at this point), but it was super weird to me. To have someone claim that title for her self ... ick. NTA. OP's priority should be protecting herself, her husband, and their almost-here-baby.
Yep. I know OP says she doesn't believe she isn't a danger, but how many times is that heard after a tragedy?
Give her picture to security at the hospital when you give birth. Warn them she's not supposed to be there. The woman is crazy.
I hate the whole "work wife/work husband" thing. I have a friendly relationship with most of my colleagues, and there are a few that I would call actual friends, but none of them ever have or ever would enter the realm of a "spousal" relationship. That's just weird.
Eerily enough, this sounds so much like my (30F) generically-named "crazy ex" (28M). He did the exact same things to me and my now ex-fiance (called me while he was having sex with other people, vandalized two of my ex's cars, and had his flying monkey friends follow us to our workplaces, apartments, across county lines, etc., and managed to convince the whole town that I was living in that I am a raging psychotic bitch worth beating up if seen out in public). Because of him and his BS, I was basically ran out of town, along with my ex-fiance (we didn't mind that much. It wasn't anything to cry over). I can't show my face in that area without death stares, him somehow finding out where I am in town, or straight violent threats. I had to file a civil suit and get a cease and desist order, a restraing order. Ugh. Fun times, really. You were justified. And good on your husband for having your back and defending you! She was wayyy out of line... Is it possible that she is jealous of you and your marriage? Trying desperately to earn the work wife title spiked my concerns...like, she was trying to insert herself into your husband's life to eventually steal him. Pathetic.
I’m so sorry you had to go through that. Yes she once made a joke calling herself his work wife to which he told me he replied saying that he’s still married to his real wife at work. He’s told me that he’s been shutting down her advances as politely as he can as confrontation is neither of our things. But yes I believe she was trying to get him to cheat on me by constantly trying to portray herself as the more laid back cool young option. Although that facade clearly didn’t last long LOL.
How sad. Could you imagine trying to go after somebody else's husband?? I'm glad your husband has been so transparent, it's clear that he hasn't led her on from your description. Thank god she quit. Like I said in my other message, I'd threaten her with a restraining order and see how she responds
I never understood why some women are like this. I never was someone who got attention from women, which made it extra noticeable when suddenly whenever I was in a relationship there was a few women who took a huge interest in me and would desperately try to get me to cheat. Like why would anyone want to be either the affair partner or the woman who stole their man from another woman...made literally no sense to me but like clockwork whenever I was single they just left me alone.
I thougjt the same thing until I came into their sub reddit, majority of them clearly have mental health issues.
Which sub is this?
It’s r/theotherwoman and r/adultery ..... normal people are not ready for that sh.it.
Bring back adultery being a crime lol
You're right I was not ready 🤣😵
FK me, that's an eye opener 😳 I can't believe they can write that shit down and then look at themselves in the mirror
Hey, it's reddit, so you can say shit as much as you fucking want without censoring yourself.
I appreciate the heads up lol
>*I never understood why some women are like this.* In fairness, some men are like this, too.
Truth. I get hit on far more with my wedding ring on than I did before I got married.
I'm a man so all I was talking about was my experience with women. I don't need to bring up that men might also do a thing when talking about a thing that women in my life did, especially when I didn't have experience with men doing the thing. I never said women are the only ones who do this.
They are clearly mentally unwell. I will tell you what my FORMER best friend believed; she felt that the only way to know if a man was “a good boyfriend” was if he had a serious partner already. Then she worked hard to get him away from that partner. It never seemed to occur to her that 1) he was unfaithful, or 2) that she did this over and over to prove to herself she was more desirable than any man’s female partner. Here’s the shocker - those relationships never lasted long.
I make a cautious guess. she got cheated on ?🤔
There's probably an element of "This person has been vetted by someone else to be okay to be in a relationship with" to it, but I think mostly it's that taking someone away from another person is a bigger "high" than just getting someone who isn't in a relationship into one. And it's not gendered, either. Men will do the same thing, but it's usually passed off as just being naturally competitive rather than something wrong with them emotionally and/or psychologically.
It’s especially weird to think 30 is too old to be pregnant in the UK, where we don’t really have a culture of young religious marriages. Isn’t the average age here like 31 now or something? My mum had me at 30, 35 years ago and although it was considered a ‘geriatric pregnancy’ then, most of my friends mums were of a very similar age. Granted I’m now in London where we’re all broke and can’t afford stable housing but most of my friendship group have moved out of London to buy and had their babies post covid. So 33+ Also does anyone really think a single sip of g&t is a concern for FAS here?! Other than her! Because again we’re not really a nation that holds uptight views about booze are we - although there’s definitely a sense of public ownership over pregnant bodies for sure. Obviously drinking when pregnant is bad but common sense suggests that a single sip is not what is being talked about there. Although she’s clearly lacking in the any sense type of sense department. I think it’s unlikely she’ll be sectioned though. Unfortunately she probably won’t be able to get much mental health support any time soon unless she’s actually dealing with some kind of psychosis around the status of her and your husband or something (which it doesn’t sound like). She’ll probably be given a login to some online CBT and 6 phone sessions if she waits 18m for the privilege. It absolutely does sound like she needs mental health support though. Hopefully the police can at least go and give her a caution and that puts her off continuing, although the county isn’t exactly swimming in them either are they. Hopefully you being pregnant will give them a bit of a kick up the arse to try and deal with it. Just so you know, you can set Apple Watches up to do emergency calls to a named person (not 999) - probably other comparable watches as well. If you’re feeling vulnerable it might be a way of having that reassurance that you would always be able to covertly call your husband should she ambush you.
Yeah, it's been known to be *just fine* to have small amounts of alcohol (spread out) throughout pregnancy for quite a while now. Like, a few ounces of wine once a month or something is actually ok. Caffeine, too, is not as big of a deal as people used to think. Too many people get outdated pregnancy "advice" from, like, their mother's and grandmother's and never even bother to check the current research or, ya know, ask their doctor. TBF, some doctors don't stay up on current research, but still.
Yeah, especially at 8.5 months pregnant. The nervous system at that stage is completely developed, so a little bit of alcohol is not going to do anything.
> she once made a joke calling herself his work wife to which he told me he replied saying that he’s still married to his real wife at work That was is a great response by him! It seems he had genuinely tried to shut her down and didn't encouraged her behaviour at all. At least she has quit so he no longer has to deal with her at work!
Your edit says you don't consider her a threat to anyone but yourself, but that is rational thinking from a sane person. She is not sane or rational, and while she probably won't do anything, I think it's naive to assume she's not a potential threat and not take reasonable precautions.
You've been fortunate, the reason you hear so much about crazy ex girlfriends and not so much about crazy ex boyfriends is, because with men the girl doesn't usually survive
She is full on psychotic. NTA. I was expecting your husband to be less supportive of your position but I’m really pleased to hear his response. Work wife resigned from her job *and* got fired.
Same. Seems like a good dude.
I’m honestly surprised to see this here. Do you truly think you’re the asshole here? She is clearly unwell and I think you should report her to the police
People don't bother anymore, they post stories where they're blatantly not the AH, I don't know why, maybe because this sub is popular? Next week: "*My brother stabbed me 16 times, after which I called him a meanie and he says I was being rude. AITA?"*
LOL It drives me crazy too! I don’t understand what these people are getting from it
Attention. Doesn't matter if it's good or bad, just that they get attention.
Validation, and solidarity, especially if the other person in the scenario has launched “flying monkeys” at the poster and they’re feeling ganged up on.
..really? You don't understand the idea that people want to share something crazy that happened to them and receive feedback, validation, and attention? 😅
INFO: Where did he stab you? If you survived 16 stabs he may not have been trying that hard. Also, you called him a meanie - words can sting just as hard sometimes.
That made me laugh! Thank you for playing along.
Once we got an honest to god "someone asked me for my house, AITA for not immediately handing it over" I gave up taking this place seriously. Like... that's the *joke* I used to make about this place.
Some people realize that calling the police on someone is a life or death situation. Police are known to gun down mentally unwell people in the name of “self defense”.
Literally this.
Even if you’re reasonably sure, there are a lot of master manipulators out there that can make you feel guilty anyway. I’ve been on the receiving end of that, and it’s crazy how clear it all becomes once you get some other perspectives and some distance. I feel like this sub is 95% that and 5% people who are super oblivious to that fact that they are very much the AH.
Seriously, no point in this. I’m going to go below and say YTA just to rile people up- that’s the only thing you can do at this point.
r/Trueoffmychest would be the place for this one.
It's like the questions asked on /tooafraidtoask Half of the questions there have me "you were afraid of this? Really?"
There's an unfortunately common line of thought that anything someone does while in possession of a mental illness is the other person's fault for "setting them off." This can be used to sweep a lot of very abusive actions under the rug, and it's very plausible to me that OP would feel guilty or wonder if the obsessive behavior was her fault.
I agree - it’s an obvious NTA from my perspective but I can see how dealing with someone who is seemingly unstable may make someone feel like a reasonable response is mean.
Some people are so eager to please or keep the peace. Some people don't have self esteem. Some people think ignoring the problem will work. I know some of these people. I used to be a people pleaser.
NTA First of all, for anyone who might be wondering: there's science backing up that a single sip of alcohol is not going to harm you or the baby. Secondly, this girl clearly wanted to get with your husband and was completely out of line. You were just defending yourself. Thirdly, at this point she is harassing you and you should file a police report
Especially a sip at 8,5 months pregnant. Baby is basically finished cooking
There was probably as much alcohol in a glass of orange juice as in that sip of g&t, but people just *have* to judge anything a pregnant woman does. Or any woman, for that matter.
I was looking into that actually! Grape juice can have up to 1% abv, and orange juice up to 0.5%. So in both cases, a glass of juice would have far more booze than a sip of G&T
I joyfully celebrated (with copious amounts of alcohol) my mum's 60th birthday three days before I felt like something was up and decided to do a pregnancy test, which turned out to be positive. I didn't drink again until baby was 6 months old - had the occasional one drink at dinner and still breastfed. Kid is fine.
NTA. Take all the voicemails and emails to the police, start a paper trail, see if you can get a restraining order (have hubs get the HR stuff too). I would not trust her in any way, shape, or form.
It needs to be done before there is an infant in the home to protect!
Yeah, I'd be concerned about false reports to social services as well. Not sure what can be done to preempt this but I would make sure all medical notes, appointment etc are in order and keep the house well stocked with nappies, formula and generally look on top of things if they show up. Definitely NTA, work wife my arse more like work bunny boiler.
Fetal alcohol syndrome is terrible. Chronic alcohol use while pregnant is dangerous. I didn't find out I was pregnant until I was literally at the half way point (19.5 weeks exactly). I partied alot because I was getting over a break up. I had quit smoking just before the implantation but I drank myself dark several times during my pregnancy before I knew. When I found out the first thing I told my ob was that i was worried I hurt my kid. He was like 80, very kind and a very good doctor. But he told me that even with regular use the odds were still in my favor and as long as I stopped drinking when I found out that I still had good odds. I was sick with worry the entire time though. All that being said, if I see a woman drinking or smoking while pregnant I merely judge her in my head or say something to my husband privately and move on. It's not my job to police every pregnant body and really, it won't change someone's mind. One sip of a watered down party cocktail is not going to harm your baby. Many drink a glass of wine while pregnant in different global societies with just as robust healthy birth rates as the US. This woman clearly has an obsession with you and your husband though, and truly you need to document everything.
Baby boomers parents were encouraged to drink a glass of red wine daily while preganat
Pregante
Preganana
Pagrant
Pegrent
Gregnant
PREGANANANT
Pregat
Pergenate
Yep. That’s what my mom’s doctor told her. She tried to follow his advice but she never really liked wine.
My mom never drank while pregnant, only smoked weed. All of us, execpt the kid she didn't smoke weed with, came out normal. He had double clubbed feet or "angels feet" both were turned in. My mom swears up and down it's cuz she didn't smoke weed. I think it was either genetics or age(38)
I am glad your baby was healthy! I think your doctor gave you a very optimistic version of the truth since there was nothing you could do about it at that point
It seems more like a stalker situation imo. You need to report this to the police, ensure you have security cameras to ensure she doesn't try to get in the house.
For real, she seems like a bunny-boiler.
File a police report. They may have enough to go after her for harassment. If not, at least it'll be documented incase continues to escalate things. Depending on where you live you can file for a restraining order or no contact order. DO NOT engage with her. Any attention, even negative will encourage her to continue. Document everything she does. And for the record, you are NOT the AH.
This sounds like the start of baby reindeer 2
That was my first thought
NTA >And her other concern being that I’m too old to be pregnant. What. She is really reaching for any excuse to trash talk you, isn't she? 30 isn't too old for pregnancy. What the hell is she going on about? Anyway, change your numbers if that's an option. Look into restraining orders. The lady is crazy and I'd be nervous she'd try something nefarious.
Seems like she's grasping for any reason to trash talk OP. The idea that 30 is "old" to have a baby is laughable.
I actually laughed out loud at that bit. 30, too old?! I had my first child at 34 and felt like a teen mum 🤣
Seriously. Women can naturally - without intervention- have kids into their early 50s. It's rare but it does happen. The oldest woman to naturally (ie, no IVF) become pregnant known was 59 when she gave birth.
I'm about to have my first at 36 and feel the same way! Partially because my mom keeps saying "my baby is having a baby!"... despite me being older than she was when she had me.
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This post feels like bait, like in what possible way could you be percieved to be the asshole? Am I the only one confused here?
[удалено]
Not sure why you’re getting downvoted these are both completely valid points. I cant imagine anyone honestly writing this and going “yeah i might be the asshole.”
Pregnant women also count in weeks because it’s confusing counting in months. At 8.5 months you still have a month and a half, or 6 weeks, left. It’s way too early to be taking maternity leave. Because as all pregnant women know, you’re pregnant for 10 months, not 9. She hasn’t posted or commented on a single post on any pregnancy subreddits, even though she’s a first time mom. Fake as fuck.
I immediately noticed that. "I’m 8 an a half months pregnant currently so I am not working for obvious reasons." Is not a sentence I can imagine a pregnant woman saying. It's super confusing to count in months. And you can be 31/32 weeks and about "8.5 months pregnant." Tons of women are working when they're 32 weeks pregnant. There is nothing obvious about why you would not be.
That depends, here in Austria you start maternity leave 8 weeks before the birth date.
A small sip of a weak G & T at 81/2 months pregnant will absolutely NOT harm your baby! What is the matter with people?
NTA - not at all!! She’s unhinged and this harassment isn’t ok.
Nta. However I *am* baffled by something. If I as a man worked with a woman and the very 1st time she mentions my SO in a derogatory way, my response would leave absolutely NO room for further future comments. I'm confused that you say "she keeps saying xyz" and is insisting on this stupid title. How does a working relationship get to this point where one of your colleague's SOs is a random topic of discussion? I'd he had put a stop to her overstepping effectively the 1st time, it would never have gotten to this point. Am I the only one whose personal life isn't up for discussion at my workplace?
Not op, but between the party and it being a small company, it sounds like the kind of place where the staff socialize outside of work hours and spouses are welcome.
Next time instead of being composed just start to cry lol
OMG. I was just at a shower and the bride accidentally had a sip when she grabbed the wrong glass. NTA. Extremely small quantities aren't going to hurt. I once heard a glass of wine every now and then wouldn't hurt but that was the thought some 20 years ago.
NTA. Lady is crazy. Forcing work wife/ work husband makes me so uncomfortable. Shouldn’t be a thing even for single people let alone married ones. Makes people think they can overstep boundaries. Insulting you to your husband other huge red flag that should have been reported. You’re 30 years old. How the fuck is that old to have children? I would save every text she sends. Send her a cease and desist letter, then report to the police if she keeps harassing you.
'Work wife' is fucking nuts. Unstable and hopefully not dangerous.
NTA, document this behavior and consider whether you should apply for a protective order.
NTA...Firstly I had my last child 40( very nearly 41) so ya not too old. From all the phone calls it sounds like she's a bit of a stalker. I'd keep a log of all calls, emails messages etc and contact police. Plus I'd definitely have told her to fuck off too.
NTA. At all. Sounds like she is obsessed with your husband and I would consider taking out a restraining order and seeking legal action if this continues. She is unfortunately obviously very sick, but that is neither of your responsibility. Congrats on the pregnancy, I wish you all beautiful happy healthy lives!
Oh no… another Baby Reindeer 😭 “Sent from iPhone”
The stress of having to see her > alcohol when it comes to harming the baby
Hilariously fake and melodramatic
NTA. What you should do is document everything. You and your husband need to inform the police that your are being harassed, and talk to a lawyer about some order of protection. If she has knowledge of were you live (I don't know why she might, but she sound like she would try too, just with the amount of phone calls), can you stay anywhere else? Parents maybe, your husband or yours. Also, it sounds like she obsessed with your husband, so just make sure you and your husband communicate with each other and family about what is going on. Now, this bit is for you. This is in not way your fault. You are heavily pregnant and now I'm assuming your a freaked out, but this woman is not in anyway your responsibility, not her losing her job, nor is her mental health. When people do things to you, even when they are sick, they are still doing those things. Which can still upset and scare you, which means you have every right to have any emotion you are having. You need to focus on three things, you, your husband, and your baby. Not on this woman, and her well-being. Your family is your responsibility, not her. Your husband had to report her, your mild response (in my opinion, because she was overstepping, to you a heavily pregnant woman, telling her to F off is called for more so when she is being a creep) was called for. I also wish all the best for you and your family.
Don't take this lightly - murder is a leading cause of death for pregnant women. This woman sounds obsessed with your husband. You being pregnant seems to have really set her off.
NTA she had no right to butt in like she did. She sounds completely unhinged.
Even though she’s no longer employed there, I hope that HR would still support you on taking this to another level - since they’re the ones that exposed your family to this problem. Agree that a restraining order, harassment case should be explored.
These posts are so stupid. “Reddit, am I the ah for doing something relatively benign and then having some random person who wants to fuck my husband flip out and start stalking us???” Idk I feel like you know the answer or you’re farming for upvotes.
NTA. A neighborhood restaurant has gin & tonic slushies in the summer. My daughter was born at the end of August 10 years ago. That summer was so damn hot. I had a spoon full or two that summer. You’re good momma.
NTA!!! Did her e-mails ended with “Sent from my iPhone” 😅 -Document everything and get a restraining order for stalking/harassing.
Nta. On a side note, kill me if I ever have to attend a BBQ at my boss' with all of my coworkers and make small talk. Unless you are holding it within work hours where I am getting paid, absolutely the fuck not.
NTA, who the Hell thinks 30 is too old to have a baby?
Incels, mostly. And even they tend to wait to 35 before they decide we're worthless and have 'dried up eggs'. This person sounds seriously unwell.
NTA!!! I’m 40, almost 41. My kids are grown and nearly grown and I have classmates from high school who have little ones in diapers others are grandparents…kids happen when they happen. She’s a walking psycho-thriller from the 90s like Fatal Attraction, only your husband is also telling her no. I would consider an order of protection or whatever you call restraining orders where you’re from.
NTA. She was already hanging on the ledge.
NTA She wanted to get with your husband. He said no. She wanted to make you look bad. Your husband stood up for you and she wasn't happy about that. She wished for your baby to be dead so I think telling her to F off was a bare minimum reaction. She was already over the edge. You are just getting closer to having enough to get a restraining order against her.
Holy crap. She's definitely unhinged. No wrapped too tightly. She also clearly doesn't know that the dangers of fetal alcohol syndrome mainly occur during the first trimester (not that it's not harmful at any other time, but the first trimester is where most of the damage happens). One tiny sip at this stage in the game didn't hurt anything. I think I'd be filing a complaint with the police at this point.
NTA. I feel your response was calm and well measured in light of the egregiousness of her comment. And just so you know--when I was reading this to my partner, I said,"I'll bet she didn't quit. She was 'asked to resign.' You don't send out that many expletive riddled emails and voice-mails and get to keep your job." Good job getting this handled. I hope the remainder of your pregnancy is stress free, and that labour and birth are smooth and uncomplicated for both mother and baby. Take care.
NTA, relieved your husband is taking your side OP.
NTA Contact the police, your husband has a stalker. Also, contact her new employer as well and let them know who they hired. That woman is a lunatic.
I didn't get past the comment about being "too old". If she thinks 30 is too old, she's in for a rude awakening. As someone who had a spontaneous *twin* pregnancy at 39, 30 is far from too old. For that alone, NTA