Fun fact: My fiancée hates jewellery but loves penguins. I knew she wouldn’t want an expensive ring as an engagement gift, so instead when I decided to propose to her, I started collecting pebbles. I collected pebbles for three months, then chose the nicest one. I proposed to her with this pebble and she said yes.
this needs to become the norm.
Not pebbles specifically, but the idea of doing something unique and personal that's catered to your s/o specifically and not just yet another boring-ass impersonal diamond ring.
Nobody is stopping you from proposing to your gf with a brand new set of kitchen knives or a hand-carved sculpture of a fish.
I had an ex once complain that I never bought her flowers. One random day in Walmart, I decided to fix that problem.
Two hours later she gets home and sees the flowers and instantly starts interrogating me about I had to have done something wrong or cheated to be getting her flowers.
This is why I don't buy flowers.
Her: Offer me wine.
Me: Yes.
Her: Offer me candles.
Me: Yes.
Her: Offer me all that I ask for….
Me: Anything you want….
Her: I want you to massage my back, you son of a bitch….
As a man having read some of the comments, I am thoroughly confused as to how I am meant to wear a lumberjack outfit, business socks, cigar robe, my partner’s lingerie (assuming I have a partner), jogging pants and the skin of a bear I defeated on combat all at the same time, while engaging in attraction rituals and penis helicopters.
He specified "as a man," so that part was implicit. Not all men have partners, of course, but it's pretty delusional to decide you're a man before wrestling, choking, and then skinning an angry bear in the early fall. Rites of passage are an important way to know that you've met the standards of your people.
Shark skin is like sandpaper. A trip to the hospital is likely after sex (if you or your partner are wearing it, not actually having sex with the shark)
Clearly it is your business socks, her crotchless lingerie (so your penis can be free for the helicopter), lumberjack top and hat, very short jogging pants that hode nothing, then the cigar robe open, and the skin of the bear on top.
But you must perform the attraction rituals, and helicopter quickly so that you don't become too exhausted from all the heat of the layers
I'm my experience, if I have a semihard I walk behind my wife and "accidentally" brush her bottom with it, she will do slack jaw smile and look at me over the shoulder. (Don't do it to women you are not already sleeping with).
I rolled up my sleeves and collected my brightest and smoothest pebbles and rubbed my semi erect penis across her butt, now I'm sitting in HR's office in a wizard robe.
He carefully gathers multicolored pebbles to build an attractive den. Then he squirts an attractant pheromone into the atmosphere that the female will notice. While she circles around hunting for the source of the scent, he begins an intense mating dance.
Occasionally this dance is broken up by a rival suitor. When this happens the two engage in a contest of stomping and posturing. Very rarely this will escalate to the level of violence.
Conditions are perfect. There's nothing good on TV,
you haven't had your after-work social sports team practice so you're not too tired. Oh boy, it's all on.
To take it a step further, soap goes EVERYWHERE. Use soap on your head and every square inch of your skin, including underarms, under legs, genitals and feet.
There is a whole host of tasks my wife hates doing. Taking the recycle out, changing the bed sheets, cleaning the mesh receptacle in the sink, scrubbing the stovetop, emptying the dishwasher filter…
If I do all of these in a row, it basically constitutes a mating dance.
A question plagues me. If a guy wears designer crotchless underwear [not self designed crotch blown out at work]. Are they still crotchless? or are they now crotched? since things are hanging out.
My wife has made it clear that helicopter dick is NOT what I should do. We've been together 12 years, I finally "got it" after 8 years. God damn she would get so annoyed. The good thing is she gave me a cheat code. Now all I have to do is kiss her neck and she drops to her knees.
Sounds cool but now it's just too easy. You can't give me that kind of power. Sometimes I'm just being affectionate. I'll kiss her on the neck and she goes down and I'm like, "Oh no that's not what I was trying to do. Oh no. Ok. Am I really going to stop you."
So that's my male equivalent. Kissing my wife's neck.
Try touching her waist gently while you do dishes together. It works quite well.
Also, a brief but sudden passionate make-out session with a bit of fingering before she goes to work in the morning will guarantee that she thinks about sex all day.
Here’s an honest answer, and not a joke, although I enjoyed those very much.
Touch her. Brush your hand lightly on her waist when you pass by her. Kiss her passionately hours ahead of sexy time, then walk away and don’t say anything. She will be thinking about sex all day
The comments are hilarious. But none of them are serious. I am about to give some tips that are going to do wonders.
Do a door lean and eye fuck her. Lean on the wall or door side ways and really eyefuck her. Make it known that she looks gorgeous even if she is messy at that moment.
The chin up kiss. Place your fingers under her chin and pull her chin upwards then kiss her. Really kiss her. Then the eye fuck again as you go your way. Then just call her to you or whatever.
Wear only sweatpants, grey if possible. Be shirtless. Do chores or whatever wearing that and keep touching her sensually while doing it. Like maybe touch her ass while you are going to the other side of the kitchen but make it known you meant that touch. Tease her with touches like that and then maybe try the chin up kiss.
I knew a girl in uni that once had sex with some dude in the dorm, because she entered the room in search of her friend and this guy was there naked and not embarrassed about it. As she explained it, she was horny and lonely, and the guy was already naked 🤷🏼♀️🤷🏼♀️
The man buys the woman lingerie to show his intentions that sex could possibly ever so likely maybe potentially happen in the near distant, not necessarily tonight, but hopefully tonight, future.
My tactic of the overly suggestive wink still hasn't worked and it's been 6 months. I've now got a lazy eye and have been seeing a stroke specialist. I'm too far in to admit it, this is my life.
For me it's less how he's dressed (although gray joggers work), and more his behavior, if he's *extra* touchy and flirty that's a good way to rev me up. Extra touchy meaning-hand lingering on the lower back when he passes me, standing behind me and putting his head on my shoulder while I do something, light kisses on the neck and head, etc-things like that.
I just shower and walk around the house in my briefs or jogging pants. Or "snuggle" in bed with her for a few minutes. A few light kisses on the neck usually gets us there. lol
Kick down her door, bring forth the manliest battlecry you can, then the rip off the furs of defeated beasts that you are clad in. If she doesn't get the hint, theres something wrong.
Undie check! (Proceeds to give her a wedgie so big you lift her up and it ends up being a double for her) aaannnndddd now she’s pissed, no sex for me tonight…
Getting poked in the back while trying to sleep
Walter White approves.
You collect the best and smoothest pebble for her nest
Jerry! Who let the penguin use reddit again!
Fun fact: My fiancée hates jewellery but loves penguins. I knew she wouldn’t want an expensive ring as an engagement gift, so instead when I decided to propose to her, I started collecting pebbles. I collected pebbles for three months, then chose the nicest one. I proposed to her with this pebble and she said yes.
this needs to become the norm. Not pebbles specifically, but the idea of doing something unique and personal that's catered to your s/o specifically and not just yet another boring-ass impersonal diamond ring. Nobody is stopping you from proposing to your gf with a brand new set of kitchen knives or a hand-carved sculpture of a fish.
The imagine of a guy getting on his knees and revealing a knife might look more like a knighting ceremony than a proposal.
Wow, thats just so simple and wholesome. I just loved the idea. Cheers.
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Good luck! ... Wait a minute!
No worries. Their kind mates for life.
That is EPIC.
It was the marine biologist! The sea was angry that day, my friend.
See, this is how you know you've got a keeper. He takes an interest in things you like and supports them.
I put on my robe and wizard hat
A meme older than memes themselves and probably over half of Reddit. I salute you.
It's nice to know there are others on Reddit with a painful back. I'll high 5 you as soon as I can stretch
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Kneeling on the floor and not having both of your knees pop
Its to the point where if i drop something, i do a little assessment in my brain about how important it is for me to pick it up.
RIP bash.org :(
I had no idea it was dead, when did this happen??
I cast Lvl 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.
You're saying I am ugly? >:(
I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 Cock of the Infinite
I am the bone of my... Boner?
I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty F*ck of the Beyondness.
Bloodninja... a God among men.
Hahahahahahahahah classic
You come home to a glass of wine, candles, and a massage.
What did you break and why are you trying to apologize?
People always assumed I had done something wrong when I bought my ex flowers. I just loved her, and I knew she liked getting flowers
I had an ex once complain that I never bought her flowers. One random day in Walmart, I decided to fix that problem. Two hours later she gets home and sees the flowers and instantly starts interrogating me about I had to have done something wrong or cheated to be getting her flowers. This is why I don't buy flowers.
I see why she’s an ex. Yikes. I love “just because” flowers. I’ve literally never equated them to doing something wrong.
there really is no winning, is there?
Fine but this better be a damn good massage, and afterwards I expect you to tell me who you are and how you got in
My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
Do you say this before or after sex?
Her: Offer me wine. Me: Yes. Her: Offer me candles. Me: Yes. Her: Offer me all that I ask for…. Me: Anything you want…. Her: I want you to massage my back, you son of a bitch….
“I’m a locksmith… and I’m a locksmith.”
Washing your dick in the sink.
How is this not obvious to some women? I am clearly not planning on having sex with her if I’m washing someone else’s dick in the sink.
Unless it's her dick you're washing.
Remember folks, lube will make the pegging easier
sink washing the hog brother fuck yeah
I never thought that would be a sentence but I love it and will be quoting it until the day I die
Also known as "gentleman's wash".
ah yes, the male equivalent to the whore's bath
I do in the dish washer
As a man having read some of the comments, I am thoroughly confused as to how I am meant to wear a lumberjack outfit, business socks, cigar robe, my partner’s lingerie (assuming I have a partner), jogging pants and the skin of a bear I defeated on combat all at the same time, while engaging in attraction rituals and penis helicopters.
I like that "assuming I have a partner" was the qualifying note you felt you needed and not "assuming I have killed and skinned a bear."
He specified "as a man," so that part was implicit. Not all men have partners, of course, but it's pretty delusional to decide you're a man before wrestling, choking, and then skinning an angry bear in the early fall. Rites of passage are an important way to know that you've met the standards of your people.
In some cultures it might also be a lion or a tiger instead of a bear
Oh my!
How about a shark skin? If you live in an archipelago bears be scarce
Idk. Shark fur doesn't roll off the tongue very well.
And the dorsal fin is pretty uncomfortable when you decide to make love on it near a campfire
Shark skin is like sandpaper. A trip to the hospital is likely after sex (if you or your partner are wearing it, not actually having sex with the shark)
TBF, a trip to the hospital is also likely if you try to have sex with a shark.
How does this work in countries with no large predators? The closest I can get to skinning a bear would involve at least three hate crimes.
Situations like this are why zoos exist
Oh my God dude, add attempted manslaughter as I choke on my sandwich!!!
Nobody said the bear had to be angry.
Clearly it is your business socks, her crotchless lingerie (so your penis can be free for the helicopter), lumberjack top and hat, very short jogging pants that hode nothing, then the cigar robe open, and the skin of the bear on top. But you must perform the attraction rituals, and helicopter quickly so that you don't become too exhausted from all the heat of the layers
The cigar robe is made of defeated-bear skin.
That pretty much sums up Reddit's dating advice for men.
I spit a huge, juicy bite of apple all over my phone when I read “penis helicopters.” Thank you.
Just like your [dear papa?](https://youtu.be/FshU58nI0Ts?si=1qJHunFCEyDDTz-n)
I want to like this more than once
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Boots and an axe in the bedroom are required (with sufficient warning about the axe beforehand with a new partner)
Eh, I think you could pull it off. Lingerie & business socks, jogging pants & flannel shirt, cigar robe fashioned from the pelt of a bear
I'm my experience, if I have a semihard I walk behind my wife and "accidentally" brush her bottom with it, she will do slack jaw smile and look at me over the shoulder. (Don't do it to women you are not already sleeping with).
"Don't do it to women you are not already sleeping with". This explains so much
What did you do?!?
I rolled up my sleeves and collected my brightest and smoothest pebbles and rubbed my semi erect penis across her butt, now I'm sitting in HR's office in a wizard robe.
Your mistake was taking the wizard robe over the bear skin.
Did I fuck up the rhyme? Isn't it: Wizard over Bear, you're getting her rear. Bear over wizard, you might kiss her.
This is literally a fetish of mine and my bf knows it yet he weaponizes it so infrequently it's almost frustrating
Oh, I just roll up my sleeves.
Forearm foreplay
This guy has spent time in r/askreddit
If you’re not wearing a white dress shirt with rolled up sleeves and grey sweatpants are you even trying to get laid?
Dress shirt and sweatpants combo might just be one of the worst fits ive heard of… like putting on a backwards cap while in full suit 🤮
> like putting on a backwards cap while in full suit 🤮 What, you're not registering for the 2003 NBA draft?
Surprised not to see the actual answer yet which is cutting your nails!
Also file them
My filing cabinet is a bit full.
And cleaning the dirt out from under them! Nobody wants an infection
This is the real reason that men who play the guitar are so popular with women. Unless it's classical guitar...
Their fingers are also very dexterous and able to keep rhythm
Oh god, do not cut your nails only minutes before sex, unless you're also going to file them, too
Wearing the the fur of the bear they defeated in combat.
What if it is their own fur?
Fur is fur.
Noice.
He carefully gathers multicolored pebbles to build an attractive den. Then he squirts an attractant pheromone into the atmosphere that the female will notice. While she circles around hunting for the source of the scent, he begins an intense mating dance. Occasionally this dance is broken up by a rival suitor. When this happens the two engage in a contest of stomping and posturing. Very rarely this will escalate to the level of violence.
The mating dance for sure. Google "Amazon bird mating dance" for a best-in-class example
A successful human emulation [looks a bit like this](https://youtu.be/L8TWn4aTpOc?si=DidQkMxQrA0FY6r8), I think.
Unfortunately once I squirt my attractant pheromone I’m usually done for the night..
Ah Patchouli incense and multi color quartz crystals to lure in the moon moon star sorceress. I have seen those dens before.
Putting on business socks
You know when I'm down to just my socks it's time for business, that's why they're called business socks.
Conditions are perfect. There's nothing good on TV, you haven't had your after-work social sports team practice so you're not too tired. Oh boy, it's all on.
Making love for 2
making love for 2 minutes B)
When it's with me, you only need 2 minutes. Because it's so intense.
you whisper something sexy like "is that it?"
I know what you're trying to say, baby. You're trying to say "Awwww yeah! That's it!"
2 minutes in heaven is better than 1 minute in heaven.
This reminds me of a quote i heard. "Bring me my dicking pants!!" Random party goer "So you mean no pants?" "Exactly"
To let you know it's *business* time
This only works if it is Wednesday, because conditions are perfect
And you say “I think I’m gonna go to bed” but what you really mean is “Oh yeah!”
And then you sort the recycling which is not part of the foreplay but it’s still very important
Oh... making love... making love for two... making love for twoooooo minutes. Because two minutes in heaven is better than one minute in heaven
Then you say “is that it?” I know what you’re trying to say you’re trying to say “aww yeah that’s it!”
Because I'm a business man with a business plan!
Gonna make you money in business land!
Shaving his balls
This says nothing about the shaft itself I NEED SPECIFICS PLEASE I DON'T WANT TO MESS THIS UP
Shave the whole area including the asshole just in case shes into eating assholes
And for those that need to hear this: take a shower and wash your butt. The whole thing, with soap and water, especially your bunghole
To take it a step further, soap goes EVERYWHERE. Use soap on your head and every square inch of your skin, including underarms, under legs, genitals and feet.
well not EVERYWHERE ...my eyeballs still don't like the scent of citrus
This is the real answer
You have to stand there spinning your dick as fast as a helicopter. That'll get the attention
While shouting "GET TO THE CHOPPAAA!" in your best Arnie voice.
That goes without saying
But... It has to be said...
Eh, mine seems more like a fidget spinner when I try that method.
Humping my butt while I do dishes
Time to put a load in the dishwasher.
Nothing sexier /s
Vacuum the house and change the bed sheets.
This gets my motor running.
There is a whole host of tasks my wife hates doing. Taking the recycle out, changing the bed sheets, cleaning the mesh receptacle in the sink, scrubbing the stovetop, emptying the dishwasher filter… If I do all of these in a row, it basically constitutes a mating dance.
100% this. I catch him doing the dishes and hump his leg. He's used to being catcalled while mowing the lawn.
"You can fascinate a woman with a piece of cheese"
Place a Charizard card on your nightstand. She knows you thought of protection
When a man puts on lingerie to show his intentions that sex will happen tonight
I just wear her lingerie. Why waste money?
OUR lingerie
r/suddenlycommunist
A question plagues me. If a guy wears designer crotchless underwear [not self designed crotch blown out at work]. Are they still crotchless? or are they now crotched? since things are hanging out.
My wife has made it clear that helicopter dick is NOT what I should do. We've been together 12 years, I finally "got it" after 8 years. God damn she would get so annoyed. The good thing is she gave me a cheat code. Now all I have to do is kiss her neck and she drops to her knees. Sounds cool but now it's just too easy. You can't give me that kind of power. Sometimes I'm just being affectionate. I'll kiss her on the neck and she goes down and I'm like, "Oh no that's not what I was trying to do. Oh no. Ok. Am I really going to stop you." So that's my male equivalent. Kissing my wife's neck.
Try touching her waist gently while you do dishes together. It works quite well. Also, a brief but sudden passionate make-out session with a bit of fingering before she goes to work in the morning will guarantee that she thinks about sex all day.
My GOD I melt simply reading that. You understand the assignment. But my God, would I also be angry bc sexual frustration.
So you're saying if I kiss your wife's neck ...
I cook dinner, do the dishes and give the house a tidy.
Keep talking….
Panties are a-droppin
You’re feeling it, too…
Moist already
Take me daddy
Sploosh! 💦
Then I load the laundry, put it through the dryer and fold it away
Oh, so like… hmmm.. how did you *fold it* ?
The correct way
That’s hot…
One of the sexiest things my husband does is correctly folding a fitted sheet.
Quite often I do this and them i am too tired for sex and all I am left with is a clean house and a happy wife, what a waste of time /s
Damn. How vigorous are you doing the dishes.
I do that most days, I think it stopped being sexy. My wife wants me to talk to her and share emotions and stuff. Its harder than washing dishes.
I wish this was all i had to do. life would be so much easier.
Fuck it now I'm pregnant you idiot.
When a man announces he's "going commando" by not wearing any underwear, it's a pretty clear sign that he's expecting some action later on.
Or he really needs to do laundry.
Erection
No my name is spelt Eric Shin
In my experience with my partner, cleaning the kitchen before she comes home.
Here’s an honest answer, and not a joke, although I enjoyed those very much. Touch her. Brush your hand lightly on her waist when you pass by her. Kiss her passionately hours ahead of sexy time, then walk away and don’t say anything. She will be thinking about sex all day
The comments are hilarious. But none of them are serious. I am about to give some tips that are going to do wonders. Do a door lean and eye fuck her. Lean on the wall or door side ways and really eyefuck her. Make it known that she looks gorgeous even if she is messy at that moment. The chin up kiss. Place your fingers under her chin and pull her chin upwards then kiss her. Really kiss her. Then the eye fuck again as you go your way. Then just call her to you or whatever. Wear only sweatpants, grey if possible. Be shirtless. Do chores or whatever wearing that and keep touching her sensually while doing it. Like maybe touch her ass while you are going to the other side of the kitchen but make it known you meant that touch. Tease her with touches like that and then maybe try the chin up kiss.
Only women have serious answers. It makes me a bit sad. But now I’m a bit turned on from your description of seduction
It is what it is my dude
Keep talking...🫠
Pulling a naked man.
I knew a girl in uni that once had sex with some dude in the dorm, because she entered the room in search of her friend and this guy was there naked and not embarrassed about it. As she explained it, she was horny and lonely, and the guy was already naked 🤷🏼♀️🤷🏼♀️
They've done studies: 60% of the time, it works 100% of the time.
r/himym
He's breathing
The man buys the woman lingerie to show his intentions that sex could possibly ever so likely maybe potentially happen in the near distant, not necessarily tonight, but hopefully tonight, future.
Sadly, in some relationships I've been in, when they touch you, because otherwise they don't show any physical affection.
I have silk boxers printed with $100 bills. When I want to ensure sexy times happen, I wear my money pants.
My tactic of the overly suggestive wink still hasn't worked and it's been 6 months. I've now got a lazy eye and have been seeing a stroke specialist. I'm too far in to admit it, this is my life.
For me it's less how he's dressed (although gray joggers work), and more his behavior, if he's *extra* touchy and flirty that's a good way to rev me up. Extra touchy meaning-hand lingering on the lower back when he passes me, standing behind me and putting his head on my shoulder while I do something, light kisses on the neck and head, etc-things like that.
Naked apart from calf length black business socks.
Garters or no?
Shaving.
Petting from behind, nuzzling, lots of kissing and probably some puppy dog eyes
I just shower and walk around the house in my briefs or jogging pants. Or "snuggle" in bed with her for a few minutes. A few light kisses on the neck usually gets us there. lol
Grey jogging bottoms, fresh trim walking around the house either topless or in a muscle t.
Underwear without holes in it
Kick down her door, bring forth the manliest battlecry you can, then the rip off the furs of defeated beasts that you are clad in. If she doesn't get the hint, theres something wrong.
Clean the house, have a shower and only wear a towel
How am I supposed to see her lingerie to know she wants sex before we begin the sex activities?
You don’t perform regular undie checks throughout the day? Tsk tsk
Undie check! (Proceeds to give her a wedgie so big you lift her up and it ends up being a double for her) aaannnndddd now she’s pissed, no sex for me tonight…