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He would fight dirty.

I'd be disappointed if he didn't. But if Jon Lovitz could take him I like my odds.

Can we invite Jon to watch?

He wouldn't want to watch. He'd want to help.

Does it count if you have help? I feel like if anyone in the world starts beating up Andy Dick that Jon Lovitz immediately knows and will rush to join in.

Invite him to provide commentary in Jay Sherman’s voice.

But in really gross ways, like he would keep trying to lick the back of your ear

Fuck Andy Dick, make sure you bring cigarettes and pocket sand..

aaaaaand now you have hepatitis. "what type? A? B? C?" "Yes".

I’m not saying I’d pay money to physically assault Andy Dick. But I’m not not saying it.

I'm always happy when I can guess the top comment

About 25 years ago my then-girlfriend and I went to NYC and won tickets to see Letterman. Not only was Andy Dick one of the guests, he got two segments because someone else dropped out. It sucked.

He would 100% go for your eyes and/or balls in a fight. Edit: the guy above was talking about beating up Andy Dick

Just like any respectable strung out junkie would in a bar fight.

Jokes on him, so would I. And I'd make sure I had a nice big hot cup of coffee in my hand to clock him with before we start.

I have no idea who he is as I’m in the UK, but I’ve looked him up and he appears to have severe mental illness. Smoking crack and pissing himself in public, shouting obscenities? That’s not a normal person. Would be easy to take in a fight too.

I dunno man that crackhead strength is real

Also from the UK and I know of him because of what happened to Phil Hartman (comedian and original voice actor for Lionel Hutz/Troy McClure from The Simpsons) Phil’s wife was a recovering coke addict and relapsed after she was apparently pressured to go on a bender by Andy Dick. Likely paranoid that Phil would leave her and take the kids, she shot him in his sleep before shooting herself.

Holy shit

90s kid, grew up loving phil hartman...did.not.know.this.

His assholeliness aside, he's also least likely to be able to afford suing you.

Haha. I knew Andy was going to be the first comment.

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I'd pay whoever to beat him up

There's an obvious business idea here..

Can I pick two? Can I use Andy Dick as a weapon to beat James Corden? Please? Can this be a new reality show?

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Just don't try the hair hold

You keep her name OUT YO FUCKIN’ MOUTH

this shouldn’t have me laughing as hard as i am

🫨👋

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Same for Joel Osteen

Give 'em the ol' Prosperity Beating.

This is just your SEED ass kicking! If you take this beating, and you have faith, then God will kick your ass 10X harder!

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you can just kick it and it will fly away

“It” is crazy

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It’s insane how much fans and supporters he still has

Mostly female too 🤐

‘But he’s changed’ 😒

Realistically speaking, Chris Brown would fuck up the average Redditor. Dude is 6'1" and much more athletic (and there's obviously some screws loose). Not the greatest choice.

I think we can all suspend our disbelief for a moment to fantasize about Chris Brown getting his ass beat.

Surely one of us redditors is bigger than this loser?

I’m taller than him and younger than him, but I’m not much of a fighter. I’d need a couple weeks to get prepared, hahaha

The prompt wasn't about a fight, just beating someone up.

But it didn't say the celebrity would be tied up either lol

If the celebrity were tied up, this thread would be very different.

It also doesn’t say I have to do it. For a million dollars, I would just subcontract it. I’m willing to bet I can find some massive MMA gym rat to do it for as little at $10k.

But it didn’t say they wouldn’t be.

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Oh come on, those peasants would've ruined his carpeting!! God understands.

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I genuinely don’t think most redditors would be able to fight him lol

He's 6'1 and 157. I am 5'8 and 195 that's been training in bjj and striking for years. I like my chances.

Get him, bro!

If it’s trial by combat I pick you

Any rage bait YouTuber. Johnny Somali, the Paul brothers, Mizzy, you get the idea. Pieces if shit that exploit social media and make society worse.

I mean you gotta win. I’m not sure the Paul brothers is the correct pick.

Yeah, unfortunately. I'd love to kick the shit out of both those cunts, but I know there's no way I could. Maybe we can just pay Mike Tyson more than whatever that fake match would...

Mike Tyson is having some health issues probably shouldn’t have him fight them as well.

Yeah, 100% fuck the Paul brothers but they're gonna fuck you up.

Any pastor of those mega churches. They steal from the poor.

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Mr bean isn’t real though, you would be beating up Rowan Atkinson. He’s an amazing comedian but ironically I don’t think slapstick is even his forte. He’d probably have extremely choice words for you as you beat him up, so it might be funny anyway.

So you'd be beating up Black Adder? That would be a show.

Can I wear my Lord Flashheart costume?

WOOF!

You should watch James Acaster's standup "Cold Lasagna Hate Myself 1999" Specifically the bit where he explains how his girlfriend dumped him for Mr. Bean.

Shiiiit, he doesn't need your 500k. He might actually slap you with a shitstick of truth.

I ain't fightin no alien...

The whole kardashian gang and you can keep your money.

Kris once had people paid to fight them. There's a old episode somewhere.... be warned Kourts a fighter she slapped the shit outta kim once.

MUTHERFUCKIN CAILLOU

Fuck that bald child.

Pause

Phrasing! (Are we still doing the "phrasing" thing? Lana? LANA‽‽‽)

Fuck for a million bucks the celebrity can beat me up.

I'd pick Chris Brown for this, since I'm not a small woman he wouldn't do anything.

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Harvey Weinstein

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Cage match. I'll fight the winner.

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James corden. Nigel Farage. Boris Johnson. I wouldn’t even need the the financial incentive but I’d take it!

Roman Polanski seems like the perfect mix of deserving and easily accomplished

Fuck his ass up.

He’s 90 years old and 5’3” I bet you could rag doll him like Hulk did to Loki

Bill Cosby for obvious reasons.

Yeah, I hated Ghost Dad too.

I’m a pacifist, but I’d happily give James Corden a slap for a million quid.

Kim Jung Un

Greg Kinnear because he called my mom a cunt in 1998 

Are you going to give us more details, or is this As Good As It Gets?

Ok. But was he right?

Well, we all know Greg calls it like he sees it. He's tough but fair.

The neck. What happened?

I've been doing a lot of research into this, and I've been able to piece together the story, it's actually pretty interesting: In 1998, Greg Kinnear called his mother a cunt.

This has strong "Cats sit on you" (by the Story Pirates) vibes.

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And how does that make you feel? /s

GREAT!

This is where it's at. Fuck that crockpot untrained therapist style of tv.

We'll be right back.

“I don’t think I like your attitude, we’ll be right back” - Dr. Phil

Is Marjorie Taylor Greene seen as a celebrity? The reason is pretty obvious, I think. 🤢

I'll do it for a can of miller high life and a pouch of red man.

Which I’m pretty sure she carries on her at all times

Loot drop.

Hashtag RedNeckPoliticianLootTable

You gotta watch out for that “BLEACH BLONDE BAD BUILT BUTCH BODY.”

Hell I’d do it just for the benefit of society. I still can believe 99% of the shit she says. Like if she’s the best and brightest of her district. Jesus.

David Miscavige

Dr Phil because he's a bloviating self important cunt who damages people's lives.

Bill Cosby because he’s old and blind and can’t fight back. Oh also he’s a rapist.

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I think Piers is a rage baiter tbh

In some ways, that’s worse! We have so much *actual* garbage happening in this world. When we waste our energy on the crap people like Piers Morgan put out, we don’t have any left when it matters. Garbage human, whether he believes his own schtick or not.

Sean Love Combs, aka Diddy, or Puff Daddy and P. Diddy. Worthless piece of shit !!!!

Andy dick, any Kardashian, including Caitlyn Jenner, Amy Shumer, could prob go on.

Good luck against Caitlyn Jenner and Amy Shumer. They got old man strength

Okay, now I'd pay money to watch Caitlyn Jenner fight Amy Schumer.

Danny Masterson. Hell, I’d do it for some beef jerky and some White Claw.

Him and Ashton Kutcher. They can both eat shit.

Andrew Tate. It would be extra humiliating for him to get his arse kicked by a woman. Prick.

Andrew Tate. I mean I would do it for free

wasnt he a pro kickboxer?

Winning is implied because it's fantasy

Want a hand? I'd also do it for free. Plus, they're lady hands, so it would add insult to injury.

Alex Jones. With spiked gloves. And I'd give the money to the Sandy Hook survivors and parents.

Id kick the crap out of Oprah. Dont know why, i just hate her guts.

Probably because she's a really shitty human being

I actually have a very detailed Oprah revenge fantasy. I just have to win a huge Powerball first. It’s going to cost some cash.

Least deranged redditor

She's done a lot of platforming of terrible people. Dr. Phil. Dr. Oz. That "Million little pieces" book guy as the top three I know of. Probably a lot more out there. She was a daily presence on television for decades.

Hit her with a chair and yell you win a prize.

Chris Rock, only because there's proof that you can easily get away with it.

What's on Chris Rock's face? Fresh prints!

Donald Trump. Keep the money, this one’s for America (and immunity).

Steve-O. I feel like he’d be cool with it.

That’s a bold choice to pick a fight with a man whose claim to fame is taking blows to his balls.

"yeah dude!"

Might be weird to say, but I’m really proud of how Steve-o has turned his life around. It’s super impressive and I have a huge amount of respect for that.

NOT weird to say . He was going down a horrible road of self destruction . He pulled himself out . That's AWESOME ! He is one a very very few who stay clean . I am so proud of him . He is an inspiration to others , now for a different reason . LoL.

Surprised that James Corden isn’t mentioned as much as I’d expected.

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I got banned from the politics sub for saying this same thing about matt gaetz 😂 they said I was "inciting violence"

Gotta love those mods.

Travis Scott because how he treated that dude who got paralyzed at his concert and also for those people that died at his festival. I'd beat his ass for a hundo

Oh please, I'd pay to clobber Elons annoying ass

That reminds me. What happened to the Elon vs. Zuckerberg cage fight?

Elon's doctor said he couldn't.

Drake because Drake

Howard Stern. He's getting the chair and Kim Kardashian.

Alex Jones. Hell I'll do it for free.

I feel like he wouldn't go down easy

Dan Schneider. I don’t even need to explain why. We all know why

Barney the dinosaur

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Watch your back Dakota Fanning

Now this is out of left field. What’s your beef with her?

lol no beef. It’s an old Tosh.0 reference. But the point remains that I could use $1 million and she seems like an easy fight.

The title says beat up not beat off

Jennifer Lopez

Trump!

I dont like Trump for a whole host of reasons, but that's basically irrelevant. If the object is to win a fight for $1,000,000 - that old, out of shape, trust-fund degenerate should be an easy win.

And you can keep the money, so long as I’m allowed to record it

Jaden Smith because I hate him

I just want to see him get beat up for that stupid batman costume at the wedding he went to and those dumbass, vacant-face pictures he took of himself with others.

Think it’d be funny as hell to slap the shit outta will smith

The Paul Brothers

Does the USA elected officials count? Because they’re some of them that I would give a beating to with a smile on my face to.

Roger Stone or Jeff Bezos.

Josh Dugger.. CSAM

Why are so many removed?

Please can I do Kanye ?

Steve Bannon and Elon Musk. I think I'd do it for a donut and a cup of Earl Grey.

Donald Trump, not to get political. But fuck that orange clown. Also then I can say I got paid to beat up a president.

Donald Trump. Firstly because I suspect he thinks he's genuinely a hard man and I'd love to show him he's just a fat old man with a big mouth. Secondly because I think the slow mo footage of his hair flapping around with each punch would be hilarious.

The entire cast of The View

Kevin Sorbo.

Tucker Carlson

Vern Troyer. Nothing against him, I just think I can take him pretty easily

He’s dead, so probably lol

Axl Rose. No question.

Ted Cruz. While I'm doing it I'd yell "THIS IS FOR THOSE POOR PEOPLE YOU KILLED IN THE BAY AREA!"

Lauren Bobert

I can't betray my username.

No repercussions? Mango Mussolini. Keep your money, I’d pay.

What are they all removed?

Why are all the comments deleted 😭

lol the moderator is removing the name of every celebrity posted????….WHY???..

Jussie smollett, if he’s even considered a celebrity

Jojo siwa that is a kid that’s never been told no

That Spacy cunt.

Nigel Farage

Sean Hannity. Just give me the gas money to get there and I’m good