The first one I can actively remember is second grade. We were in sitting in a circle, I don't remember why, and someone said something that I guess was funny. I don't remember what was said but I know everyone else laughed, even the teacher, and I felt incredibly disconnected. My facial expression hadn't changed, I remember it being a very flat RBF, and I just couldn't figure out why everyone was laughing. It occurred to me I should laugh too and then I realized I didn't know how. Everyone looked at me weirdly and from that day on I was shunned and bullied by everyone.
Except for one boy that is, who took pity on me and taught me how to laugh. What an awesome guy. His sisters have Down syndrome and he always told me I reminded him of them - they're sweethearts too. But anyway this definitely sticks out to me as a top autistic memory!
My first memory is from preschool. It was my first time being in a class of children, and I literally felt like and acted like an alien.
I didn't understand why children were so loud and irrational, and I tried to stay away from them. It was so jarring that I still remember how confused and alienated I felt. I would quietly read (I could read books by age 3) and skip recess to avoid all the noise. I was like that until 3rd grade, at which point I started to learn masking. In 3rd grade, I was actually the loudest kid in the class to overcompensate for my lack of social finesse. I moved cities and mellowed out after that and found my tribe.
Nobody ever thought I was autistic. I was categorized as gifted, shy, and I was viewed as a "little professor."
Very similar for me. I was in daycare/preschool and I always put my arm over my eyes to walk into the class because I believed that if I couldn't see the other kids, no one could see me. Once I got through the door, I would go straight for the dominos because they had colored dots on them (ours at home were just white dots) and I would take them out and line them up so they matched (as much as possible).
I don't feel like kindergarten was too bad but I went to another school for first grade and at some point on the first day of school, my deskmate (we sat two to a table with pull out chairs) pulled my chair out from under me as I went to sit down and I fell and everyone laughed. I got very absorbed with reading after that and my teacher got my IQ tested and I was categorized as gifted and sent down the hall to read where I wouldn't be disturbed.
Diagnosed last year, early 50s.
I had a very strong hyper-fixation with Hanukkah as a child. I would have my mom record tv specials and kids programs about it and watch them pretty much every single day on repeat for hours. I grew up a different religion also, so it was pretty out of nowhere. I wasn’t diagnosed until my mid 20s.
I had a random obsession with the assassination of Abe Lincoln. Literally begged my parents to move the desktop to my room so I could just fill notebooks with info about honest Abe. I still have an obsession with morbid stuff like that now, but Abe Lincoln will always be the beginning haha.
Always tip-toe walking and loving it bc I felt like a little creature lol
Around age 8 I remember hating the texture of seatbelts. They made me feel viscerally disgusted and upset. I got yelled at often for pulling my shoulder strap behind me so it wouldn’t touch my neck. At some point it stopped bothering me so much, and I don’t know what changed, but I’m relieved.
I couldn’t enjoy eating with my family because chewing sounds made me freak out, rage, and cry. I remember hitting my siblings and telling them to shut up and chew with their mouths shut, and even that didn’t help. I ate outside or in different rooms. Still can’t listen to others eat, but much better at handling my feelings. 😅 I just leave quietly.
When we moved to a house with a chicken coop, I used to lock myself in there for hours, just enjoying the quiet noises the chickens made. I stayed out there to write stories, listen to music, and read, and just be alone.
I used to ask my sister or mom to lie on top of me when I was feeling upset. They thought it was funny, but always did it for me because it made me feel better. I literally watched the Temple Grandin movie, went “oh wow, see the squeeze machine she made, I really need that” to my mom, and STILL no one thought maybe I was also autistic? 💀
Oh yes, and I had imaginary friends I talked to regularly up until age 20, when I graciously allowed them to retire to the back of my mind because I finally have “real” friends. 😂 aka I got married and my husband’s friends adopted me(plus, my husband is my friend).
haha! Yes! Well, it made me feel both graceful and extremely clumsy, so…perfect! (Bella X Alice forever 😂 I wanted to make a joke that made sense…it made sense in my head…sorry lol!)
This. Since I was a baby I insisted on being 'held' after a meal, and that routine stuck with me until I was at least 9...going on 11 As a kid I would insist on sitting on mum's lap after a meal _but she couldn't touch me_ (I'd slap her hand away), so it was like a really empty hug from her perspective I guess, even though it was the 'hug' I wanted/it was absolutely affectionate from my perspective. I think she didn't get it at all - like 'why did I demand this from her when essentially I just sat on her like she was a chair?' And also I didn't realise the two way understanding needed in exchange of affection. I just assumed she knew that me wanting to sit on her would be understood as I did. So sometimes she'd try and stroke my forehead and I would bat her hand away. I feel awful for her thinking about this.
Learning Garden (School based daycare) . I was 3-4 i think. Was being given a tour of my new school, and we got shown both the girls and boys bathrooms as a class together, I grew up with all sisters, so urinels were not common topic in our house, and I said “what are those you can barely sit down on them” and some kid went “they’re for standing duhhh” and I said “That looks cool can I stand and pee too? (as a female)” and all the kids gave me this blank look and then the teacher had to pull me aside and explain how urinels worked and what gendered bathrooms were and why boys had different places to go to the bathroom, lol.
For the rest of my time at that school i refused to nap, because it wasn’t my bed, and would stare blank faced at the kids around me or at books they’d let me look at but i would just be laying flat on my back starring at things rather than sleeping, completely silent for the entire 20-30 mins. Eventually the teacher found it so unnerving that i just laid there and didn’t complain, and would just observe the room and count the ceiling tiles until nap time was over that she allowed me to sit with her and play candy land, i learned solitaire at like 4, or read books under her desk. She found me very interesting and would often tell my mom reports of my behavior daily lmao
Kindergarten or first grade. I would make my eyes kinda go in and out of focus because I thought the world looked like lots of specs together(pixel looking) and started having existential crisis of just staring at my hands and realizing I was real. It was also at this time that I began to go mute or refuse to eat at lunch. That was back when you’d be forced to eat at least one of the options on your tray or you’d get in trouble. They’d make me sit in the office for refusing to eat :(. Luckily my mom argued with the school for this because I was a really quiet well-behaved child so she didn’t believe I was doing it to be naughty, so I didn’t have to after that. I think school was overwhelming for me lol I also did things like rub the smoothness of my thumbnail on my lips to self-soothe and stims like plugging and unplugging my ears to here the noise come and go. Family still thinks all neurodivergent stuff is fake lol they think it’s normal because all of us do stuff like this hahahaha
When my mum put my shoes and socks on and I would get upset if she did it in the wrong order.
According to my mum the order changed every day, but I'm pretty sure I wanted sock, sock, shoe, shoe (either foot first) and she was trying to do sock, shoe, sock, shoe, which has never and will never feel right to me.
I remember being at school about 7 years old. There was several toilet cubicles but I always used the same one. One day "my" cubicle was out of order. It didnt occur to me to just use a different cubicle. So i just held it in. Long story short, I shat myself in the playground
I think memory is one of those things that in itself might be an autistic trait. I have memories from before I could walk.
If we're talking about things we "do" that we knew were different from those around us... I'd have to say it was crying, covering my ears, running and hiding from sounds that hurt. The loud sound of a marching band was the worst as my mom would make us stand on the front porch of my nana's victorian, which was right on the roadway for the parade, and since it was next to the fire station all the bands would be quiet until they reached that point and then start blasting the music.
Hating the texture of lettuce and being punished (stand in the corner of the garage till you eat your plate) every night till I was 12 then the punishment became shaming. Now I hide my food eating habits out of embarrassment and fear of being shamed. I've only met two people who have genuinely made me feel like it is okay to eat different and healthy without having to consume lettuce.
🩵🩵 I’m so sorry. I remember when I was very young, my dad telling me that the white crunchy bits of lettuce were the yummiest. I trusted him, took a bite, and immediately cringed. He laughed. (I’m sure he didn’t mean it to be, like, harmful? But it definitely felt that way to me and I never forgot it.)
My 4yo has a lot of texture issues and only a handful of safe foods right now. A couple weeks ago my mom said “None of you were picky eaters” (referring to me and my siblings)….I was like “Uhhhh mom I ABSOLUTELY struggled with eating, I just forced it down because I didn’t want to get yelled at???!”
I’m so sorry. I’ve had issues with eating like “exotic meat” (buffalo, fish, lamb) and I’ve had many people trick me with food through out my life. People are so weird. Lettuce sucks, you’re valid.
White we didn't know it was associated with autism (just diagnosed at 39).... Teaching myself to read at 4, twirling/playing with my hair at 4 both come to mind
Struggling with wearing socks. I was late to school so often bc my mom couldn’t get me to put socks on. I would try but the seams hurt so bad and I would have meltdowns. I finally started wearing them inside out after one of my mom’s coworkers suggested she try it and that made them more bearable. Also I used to stim by pushing my top teeth back against my bottom teeth and it would hurt and when I told my grandma she said ‘well then don’t do it’ and didn’t understand when I told her I couldn’t stop. These were both probably kindergarten- 2nd grade. I also had an intense fascination with mold and kept a piece of bread in a Tupperware under the pie safe for months watching it mold and rot and my mom threw it away when there was like a baby carrot sized piece left that hadn’t liquefied and I was heartbroken.
One time my mom’s friend put an anklet on me and I freaked out bc I couldn’t sleep with the feeling of something on my ankle and made my mom cut it off lol.
Ripping and picking on my toys instead of playing with them as intended. I found that really fun, but it took me a long time to realize that it was weird
Piling up my toys lmao, but really, things like moving my arms like a “Penguin” and being asked if I wanted to fly. First day of kindergarten watching the other kids play and not understanding how they could after just meeting each othe.
- Very intense attachment to blankie, covering face with it, deeply inhaling scent for comfort, rubbing fingers in a very specific way on the edges
- Lining up and categorizing all toys. Very particular about how they should be played with and not accepting anyone else to touch them.
- Sensory issues, hating bathtime, screaming every time my mom would try to moisturize my skin after a bath or get me dressed, refusing to wear my hair any way except down because I hated the feeling
- Having such bad anxiety during group games at school. I actually found a progress report from preschool where my teachers wrote that I was highly advanced in all the academics (letters, numbers, colors, etc) but that I needed to work on playing with other kids
- Reciting entire TV episodes word-for-word after watching them only once
- I found this one out later when I was older, but my elementary teachers thought that I hated them because apparently I showed zero emotion as a child, and that made me sad because I loved them :( So nowadays I consciously try really hard to smile and be nice and show people I like being around them.
- Just feeling alien and different from everyone else throughout my entire childhood, which wasn’t even always necessarily a bad thing 100% of the time, I just felt that nobody else was like me but that was fine.
I deeply inhale my dogs smell now for comfort haha. Sounds weird, but she always just smells like her. And I was also very particular about what roles my toys played when pretending! I love how similar and different we all are. I wish I knew about this subreddit as a kid.
Kindergarten - if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands, I wasn’t happy so I didn’t clap. Then they sang “if you’re sad and you know it crouch like a turtle” you bet I crouched like a damn turtle 😂
When I was in kindergarten, I brought my mom’s nylons to school for show and tell. I thought they were amazing and I was fascinated with them. When I took them out to show, the entire class laughed at me, including the teacher who acted really weird about it and made me put them in my backpack. I was so devastated because I expected this glorious moment where the whole class would join me in awe of the amazing semi-transparent beige fancy leg covers. I was so embarrassed, but I couldn’t figure out what I did wrong.
Having a meltdown because I outgrew my Jolly Jumper.
I think I was probably around 3 years old. Apparently I had had a few meltdowns prior to this, but I don't remember them, but that one really stuck with me. I just remember the pain and confusion and feeling totally overwhelmed and out of control.
having meltdowns at every single family event or any kind of gathering that was very busy and/or involved a lot of people. usually my mom, cousin or uncle had to take me to a separate space alone to calm down and sit with me there for a while.
Definitely being touched by anyone else except for my mom or whoever my close friend was at the time. Everyone else who would want hugs from me made my skin feel like it was burning. But, I grew up in an affectionate family, so we were always made to hug each other when greeting everyone or when we were leaving. It was hard sometimes, because I also liked hugs from people I was close with, but the burning feeling.. It was too much at times.
Running away from my mother trying to put nappy cream on my sore arse because I'd rather than a sore arse than sticky cream. And I remember shouting " No cream! No cream!"
Shuttling at high speed for hours in the living room, back and forth between two windows, until I fell and cracked my head on the windowsill, had to be bundled into my coat which is a DAYTIME CLOTHING ITEM. I remember the rage and confusion at doing DAYTIME THINGS at NIGHT TIME.
There aren't many childhood memories I can recall on demand, and I think more of what I retain from childhood comes from my hyperfixations. Some childhood fixations were Neopets, the Brendon Leonard Show and Late Night with Conan O'Brien. Getting access to the internet on my family's computer in middle school really accelerated my ability to completely immerse myself in my fixations. Basically my ADHD partnering with my autism to take over my life 😂
Two come to mind, both when I was either 3 or 4 (diagnosed at 8):
Getting in trouble with my father for doing exactly what I was told I should do to be polite (burped during preschool choir on stage at church. if you burp, you excuse yourself, even if nobody heard you. It’s the polite thing to do. Apparently, it wasn’t the time or place, but how was I supposed to know? Not only was I undiagnosed autistic, but I WAS A TODDLER! And he got down on my level to practically YELL at me in the church lobby!)
Being physically unable to move into the living room from the covered porch/playroom when the tornado sirens on the school behind my house were doing their monthly test, bawling my eyes out because the noise hurt my ears so much. I couldn’t even bring my hands to my ears; my mom had to cover my ears for me.
Its hard to say, most of my childhood is empty, a blur, or out of order, but when I was about 4/5 (if I remember correctly) I was watching the Lion King on VHS (back in the late 1900s) and it snapped. It was the second one to break due to repeat watchings. I had an absolute meltdown. My mom wasn't one to accept me for me, so when I started crying and 'throwing a fit' she hit me until she felt better, made me go to my room until my dad got home (which was after bedtime). While in my room I went into my tiny closet with my blankets and pillow and rocked myself sore.
i’d get into arguments in sunday school. i wasn’t raised to be skeptical or educated about other religions, but i was still very suspicious about a higher being
Probably in first grade when I walked around to every desk and asked each person individually to “please be quiet because I have a headache.”
I did not have a headache but they were loud, I was worried we’d all get in trouble (low key abusive teacher), and my mom suffered from migraines (legitimately) and sometimes we needed to be a little quiet inside because she had a headache.
Perpetually chapped lips and skin around my mouth from licking them. Mum wouldn't use anything but Vaseline so I had a perpetually shiny face too. Starting at probably 2.
i remember one time in elementary being SO exited to wear my hannah montana tshirt, while the other girls around me have "moved on" from tween TV...and started making fun of me for it. it took till high school to wear ANY graphic tshirts after that.
Think I read that wrong, first autistic memory I think would be when I started reception. All the kids would make friends, I didn’t get it. I used to sit inside with the teacher on break times and cut corners off paper trying to get straight lines to make a curve. Didn’t last long the teachers kicked me out so I had to walk loops around the playground until it was time for lessons again.
My mother trying to stop me spinning in the lounge room because I always ended up falling and hitting my head on the furniture. I would’ve been 2 or 3.
My obsession with FNAF. Lasted literal years.
But if I'm gonna go earlier, then maybe my strong emotions when I was a kid. My sister would be teasing me and I'd get so angry that I'd literally start kicking her. And apparently I'd bite her but I don't quite remember that.
And also, I have been picky with my food since forever.
For me, it would be my strong sense of justice and how everything was black and white when I was little.
I would throw tantrums and argue with my dad if he took the “wrong” way home. I’d call out my mom for lying if she told a story not exactly the way I remembered it. I’d always snitch on my older sister and cousin if they were breaking any kind of rule. I was always scolding my family for swearing.
I was the cop of my family for a really long time. I try to be more open minded now and accept that there are grey areas in life. It’s hard tho.
This may be the OCD, but as a kid I would count my fries when I got fast food and announce the number.
Besides that, my strong love of dogs. I had a shirt with my favorite breed on it, CONSTANTLY drew dogs, and had an encyclopedia of dogs. I knew all the breeds back then lol.
Maybe also the crying and/or hating loud things like thunderstorms and fireworks. I feel like that might be normal kid stuff though.
Hating tags and itchy clothes. Like, could not handle it.
Idk which of these came first, my memory isn't the best.
Needing the top of my head to be pressed against a hard surface to fall asleep. My mom said I started doing it the moment i was able to wiggle in my crib. Its the same today lol
1. Drinking tangerine juice, only the way my granpa did it but spitting tangerine pieces because of the texture.
2. Breaking a boy's shirt at school and peeing on my pants, getting punished almost every days, talking all the time till the teacher made me shut up, always talking about my cats.
3. Jumping up and down, my dad holding my hand and my brother near me, I jumped down and I sprained my elbow.
4. Poking my eyes to see lots of colours, I saw blue lines and white dots and then more colours, I did that many times a day.
5. Being unable to sleep for prolonged time or difficulty falling asleep. I hated naps.
6. I really hated having my hair long, I hated pigtails too, I would cry almost every time my mom brushed my hair, luckily I got it short after that.
7. Being advanced in many skills but almost never following instructions and rules, always getting in trouble.
8. Only wanting to play with other children because I liked their toys, if I was able of taking their toys away I would completely ignore them and line them up, I loved dinosaur toys and animal toys. I remeber one day I stole a toy from a boy and I took it home, my mom asked me and I said "I stole it" and she told me to give it back.
9. Always saying "Aww so cute!" when I saw an animal untill my parents started yelling at me to shut up.
10. If a classmate approached me I ignored them, or talked about my cats, I was obsessed with cats, I even did a oral presentation of cats.
11. Being very sincere about other people's thing and making them get upset because of that.
12. Hiding from teachers because of the way they treated me at school, of course my parents thought I was shy not scared.
13. Breaking my toys and other objects because it was fun for me, I remember breaking some books too.
14. Getting obsessed with one part of the toy in particular, I remember when my brother got a police car and an ambulance and inside the police car there where gold and some dollar bills that were super small and I had a meltdown because my mom didn't let me take it, but then my brother let me play with it and I walked away because that was the only thing I wanted.
i used to twirl my hair excessively. when i was probably 3-5, i would twirl and pull my hair as a soothing technique to fall asleep on my own. i loved the feeling of it. (i still do, and tend to do the same thing when i have a migraine or am stressed)
i twirled it so much, i would rip it out and have bald spots at 3 years old. i would throw the hair under my bed because i was ashamed, then continue to twirl and pull. my mom eventually made me sleep with oven mitts on because i had ripped out most of my hair.
i still do it occasionally, but i have different stims now.
For me its probably at about 6 or 7 watching childrens tv, i was obsessed with the tv, in 4 different languages and learning a bit of each language. And then i saw my mum pointed out to her friends how weird / especially smart of me that was.
I have a vivid memory at 6 or 7 years old, realizing that if I wanted people to listen to me I had to make eye contact. It was uncomfortable but I got semi used to it and from then on adults always mentioned how good I was at eye contact.
Kindergarten. I grabbed the toys that were sensory pleasing and touched them. Sat in a corner. Completely overwhelmed by the other kids. Once everyone left and I played by myself and built a huge tower out of brickstones. Was so happy and didn't want to go although my mom came to pick me up. She was too late and I had the chance to play by myself... well everything before the age of five.
it took me over a decade to realize I was being autistic when we were sitting in the “small” class for reading and math, I was 7, my teacher had said “today we’re gonna talk about commas!” I busted out laughing. it really wasn’t that funny, idk man. but she then said “well since you think the word is comma is so funny we can talk to your mom about that after school today.” straight faced. I stopped laughing and literally said “okay yay!!” it literally occurred to me out of the blue 15 years later that she was trying to hint at that I was getting in trouble😭😭all these years i’ve been like huh wonder why she wanted to tell my mom about comma being a funny word… I have since ironically become the most sarcastic little shit lol, however, when it comes to other people being sarcastic, I constantly ask “are you being for real, or like sarcasm?” 😭😭😭
We had assigned play stations in kindergarten. I don't remember what all of them were, but I was always assigned to the building blocks with two boys. However, I really wanted to play in the little playhouse because the kids there always looked like they were having fun. I don't know why they didn't have us rotate regularly, but some days we would be assigned a different station just to "switch things up". One day, I was finally assigned to the playhouse. I had no idea what to do because I was NOT good at pretend play. So I would just feel the windows and the kitchen fixtures with my hands and not do much else. The boys in my assigned group preferred the blocks, so they didn't do anything either. When we were back to our regular assigned stations, I was pissed that I wasn't able to come up with anything to do in the playhouse that made it worthwhile, but had no ideas for what I could have done. For some reason I still wanted to be assigned there, but was never assigned there again.
The first one I can actively remember is second grade. We were in sitting in a circle, I don't remember why, and someone said something that I guess was funny. I don't remember what was said but I know everyone else laughed, even the teacher, and I felt incredibly disconnected. My facial expression hadn't changed, I remember it being a very flat RBF, and I just couldn't figure out why everyone was laughing. It occurred to me I should laugh too and then I realized I didn't know how. Everyone looked at me weirdly and from that day on I was shunned and bullied by everyone. Except for one boy that is, who took pity on me and taught me how to laugh. What an awesome guy. His sisters have Down syndrome and he always told me I reminded him of them - they're sweethearts too. But anyway this definitely sticks out to me as a top autistic memory!
My first memory is from preschool. It was my first time being in a class of children, and I literally felt like and acted like an alien. I didn't understand why children were so loud and irrational, and I tried to stay away from them. It was so jarring that I still remember how confused and alienated I felt. I would quietly read (I could read books by age 3) and skip recess to avoid all the noise. I was like that until 3rd grade, at which point I started to learn masking. In 3rd grade, I was actually the loudest kid in the class to overcompensate for my lack of social finesse. I moved cities and mellowed out after that and found my tribe. Nobody ever thought I was autistic. I was categorized as gifted, shy, and I was viewed as a "little professor."
Very similar for me. I was in daycare/preschool and I always put my arm over my eyes to walk into the class because I believed that if I couldn't see the other kids, no one could see me. Once I got through the door, I would go straight for the dominos because they had colored dots on them (ours at home were just white dots) and I would take them out and line them up so they matched (as much as possible). I don't feel like kindergarten was too bad but I went to another school for first grade and at some point on the first day of school, my deskmate (we sat two to a table with pull out chairs) pulled my chair out from under me as I went to sit down and I fell and everyone laughed. I got very absorbed with reading after that and my teacher got my IQ tested and I was categorized as gifted and sent down the hall to read where I wouldn't be disturbed. Diagnosed last year, early 50s.
I had a very strong hyper-fixation with Hanukkah as a child. I would have my mom record tv specials and kids programs about it and watch them pretty much every single day on repeat for hours. I grew up a different religion also, so it was pretty out of nowhere. I wasn’t diagnosed until my mid 20s.
I had a random obsession with the assassination of Abe Lincoln. Literally begged my parents to move the desktop to my room so I could just fill notebooks with info about honest Abe. I still have an obsession with morbid stuff like that now, but Abe Lincoln will always be the beginning haha.
Always tip-toe walking and loving it bc I felt like a little creature lol Around age 8 I remember hating the texture of seatbelts. They made me feel viscerally disgusted and upset. I got yelled at often for pulling my shoulder strap behind me so it wouldn’t touch my neck. At some point it stopped bothering me so much, and I don’t know what changed, but I’m relieved. I couldn’t enjoy eating with my family because chewing sounds made me freak out, rage, and cry. I remember hitting my siblings and telling them to shut up and chew with their mouths shut, and even that didn’t help. I ate outside or in different rooms. Still can’t listen to others eat, but much better at handling my feelings. 😅 I just leave quietly. When we moved to a house with a chicken coop, I used to lock myself in there for hours, just enjoying the quiet noises the chickens made. I stayed out there to write stories, listen to music, and read, and just be alone. I used to ask my sister or mom to lie on top of me when I was feeling upset. They thought it was funny, but always did it for me because it made me feel better. I literally watched the Temple Grandin movie, went “oh wow, see the squeeze machine she made, I really need that” to my mom, and STILL no one thought maybe I was also autistic? 💀 Oh yes, and I had imaginary friends I talked to regularly up until age 20, when I graciously allowed them to retire to the back of my mind because I finally have “real” friends. 😂 aka I got married and my husband’s friends adopted me(plus, my husband is my friend).
I did the tip toeing too! I felt like Alice Cullen haha.
haha! Yes! Well, it made me feel both graceful and extremely clumsy, so…perfect! (Bella X Alice forever 😂 I wanted to make a joke that made sense…it made sense in my head…sorry lol!)
Mine was not letting anyone touch me, even my mom, cuz it'd burn. I didn't know why and I felt bad for it.
This. Since I was a baby I insisted on being 'held' after a meal, and that routine stuck with me until I was at least 9...going on 11 As a kid I would insist on sitting on mum's lap after a meal _but she couldn't touch me_ (I'd slap her hand away), so it was like a really empty hug from her perspective I guess, even though it was the 'hug' I wanted/it was absolutely affectionate from my perspective. I think she didn't get it at all - like 'why did I demand this from her when essentially I just sat on her like she was a chair?' And also I didn't realise the two way understanding needed in exchange of affection. I just assumed she knew that me wanting to sit on her would be understood as I did. So sometimes she'd try and stroke my forehead and I would bat her hand away. I feel awful for her thinking about this.
Learning Garden (School based daycare) . I was 3-4 i think. Was being given a tour of my new school, and we got shown both the girls and boys bathrooms as a class together, I grew up with all sisters, so urinels were not common topic in our house, and I said “what are those you can barely sit down on them” and some kid went “they’re for standing duhhh” and I said “That looks cool can I stand and pee too? (as a female)” and all the kids gave me this blank look and then the teacher had to pull me aside and explain how urinels worked and what gendered bathrooms were and why boys had different places to go to the bathroom, lol. For the rest of my time at that school i refused to nap, because it wasn’t my bed, and would stare blank faced at the kids around me or at books they’d let me look at but i would just be laying flat on my back starring at things rather than sleeping, completely silent for the entire 20-30 mins. Eventually the teacher found it so unnerving that i just laid there and didn’t complain, and would just observe the room and count the ceiling tiles until nap time was over that she allowed me to sit with her and play candy land, i learned solitaire at like 4, or read books under her desk. She found me very interesting and would often tell my mom reports of my behavior daily lmao
Kindergarten or first grade. I would make my eyes kinda go in and out of focus because I thought the world looked like lots of specs together(pixel looking) and started having existential crisis of just staring at my hands and realizing I was real. It was also at this time that I began to go mute or refuse to eat at lunch. That was back when you’d be forced to eat at least one of the options on your tray or you’d get in trouble. They’d make me sit in the office for refusing to eat :(. Luckily my mom argued with the school for this because I was a really quiet well-behaved child so she didn’t believe I was doing it to be naughty, so I didn’t have to after that. I think school was overwhelming for me lol I also did things like rub the smoothness of my thumbnail on my lips to self-soothe and stims like plugging and unplugging my ears to here the noise come and go. Family still thinks all neurodivergent stuff is fake lol they think it’s normal because all of us do stuff like this hahahaha
When my mum put my shoes and socks on and I would get upset if she did it in the wrong order. According to my mum the order changed every day, but I'm pretty sure I wanted sock, sock, shoe, shoe (either foot first) and she was trying to do sock, shoe, sock, shoe, which has never and will never feel right to me.
The vast difference between how a naked foot feels compared to one with a sock and a shoe is too much!
I remember being at school about 7 years old. There was several toilet cubicles but I always used the same one. One day "my" cubicle was out of order. It didnt occur to me to just use a different cubicle. So i just held it in. Long story short, I shat myself in the playground
Rubbing the fabric of the couch at my parents' work until my hands went numb.
I think memory is one of those things that in itself might be an autistic trait. I have memories from before I could walk. If we're talking about things we "do" that we knew were different from those around us... I'd have to say it was crying, covering my ears, running and hiding from sounds that hurt. The loud sound of a marching band was the worst as my mom would make us stand on the front porch of my nana's victorian, which was right on the roadway for the parade, and since it was next to the fire station all the bands would be quiet until they reached that point and then start blasting the music.
Hating the texture of lettuce and being punished (stand in the corner of the garage till you eat your plate) every night till I was 12 then the punishment became shaming. Now I hide my food eating habits out of embarrassment and fear of being shamed. I've only met two people who have genuinely made me feel like it is okay to eat different and healthy without having to consume lettuce.
🩵🩵 I’m so sorry. I remember when I was very young, my dad telling me that the white crunchy bits of lettuce were the yummiest. I trusted him, took a bite, and immediately cringed. He laughed. (I’m sure he didn’t mean it to be, like, harmful? But it definitely felt that way to me and I never forgot it.) My 4yo has a lot of texture issues and only a handful of safe foods right now. A couple weeks ago my mom said “None of you were picky eaters” (referring to me and my siblings)….I was like “Uhhhh mom I ABSOLUTELY struggled with eating, I just forced it down because I didn’t want to get yelled at???!”
I’m so sorry. I’ve had issues with eating like “exotic meat” (buffalo, fish, lamb) and I’ve had many people trick me with food through out my life. People are so weird. Lettuce sucks, you’re valid.
Crying (and screaming) every bonfire night and thunder and lightening storm.
White we didn't know it was associated with autism (just diagnosed at 39).... Teaching myself to read at 4, twirling/playing with my hair at 4 both come to mind
Struggling with wearing socks. I was late to school so often bc my mom couldn’t get me to put socks on. I would try but the seams hurt so bad and I would have meltdowns. I finally started wearing them inside out after one of my mom’s coworkers suggested she try it and that made them more bearable. Also I used to stim by pushing my top teeth back against my bottom teeth and it would hurt and when I told my grandma she said ‘well then don’t do it’ and didn’t understand when I told her I couldn’t stop. These were both probably kindergarten- 2nd grade. I also had an intense fascination with mold and kept a piece of bread in a Tupperware under the pie safe for months watching it mold and rot and my mom threw it away when there was like a baby carrot sized piece left that hadn’t liquefied and I was heartbroken.
One time my mom’s friend put an anklet on me and I freaked out bc I couldn’t sleep with the feeling of something on my ankle and made my mom cut it off lol.
Ripping and picking on my toys instead of playing with them as intended. I found that really fun, but it took me a long time to realize that it was weird
I did that too but I didn't knew it was weird.
Piling up my toys lmao, but really, things like moving my arms like a “Penguin” and being asked if I wanted to fly. First day of kindergarten watching the other kids play and not understanding how they could after just meeting each othe.
- Very intense attachment to blankie, covering face with it, deeply inhaling scent for comfort, rubbing fingers in a very specific way on the edges - Lining up and categorizing all toys. Very particular about how they should be played with and not accepting anyone else to touch them. - Sensory issues, hating bathtime, screaming every time my mom would try to moisturize my skin after a bath or get me dressed, refusing to wear my hair any way except down because I hated the feeling - Having such bad anxiety during group games at school. I actually found a progress report from preschool where my teachers wrote that I was highly advanced in all the academics (letters, numbers, colors, etc) but that I needed to work on playing with other kids - Reciting entire TV episodes word-for-word after watching them only once - I found this one out later when I was older, but my elementary teachers thought that I hated them because apparently I showed zero emotion as a child, and that made me sad because I loved them :( So nowadays I consciously try really hard to smile and be nice and show people I like being around them. - Just feeling alien and different from everyone else throughout my entire childhood, which wasn’t even always necessarily a bad thing 100% of the time, I just felt that nobody else was like me but that was fine.
I deeply inhale my dogs smell now for comfort haha. Sounds weird, but she always just smells like her. And I was also very particular about what roles my toys played when pretending! I love how similar and different we all are. I wish I knew about this subreddit as a kid.
Rubbing the satin edge of my blankie on my face is the first stim I remember 💜
Kindergarten - if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands, I wasn’t happy so I didn’t clap. Then they sang “if you’re sad and you know it crouch like a turtle” you bet I crouched like a damn turtle 😂
When I was in kindergarten, I brought my mom’s nylons to school for show and tell. I thought they were amazing and I was fascinated with them. When I took them out to show, the entire class laughed at me, including the teacher who acted really weird about it and made me put them in my backpack. I was so devastated because I expected this glorious moment where the whole class would join me in awe of the amazing semi-transparent beige fancy leg covers. I was so embarrassed, but I couldn’t figure out what I did wrong.
Having a meltdown because I outgrew my Jolly Jumper. I think I was probably around 3 years old. Apparently I had had a few meltdowns prior to this, but I don't remember them, but that one really stuck with me. I just remember the pain and confusion and feeling totally overwhelmed and out of control.
having meltdowns at every single family event or any kind of gathering that was very busy and/or involved a lot of people. usually my mom, cousin or uncle had to take me to a separate space alone to calm down and sit with me there for a while.
Definitely being touched by anyone else except for my mom or whoever my close friend was at the time. Everyone else who would want hugs from me made my skin feel like it was burning. But, I grew up in an affectionate family, so we were always made to hug each other when greeting everyone or when we were leaving. It was hard sometimes, because I also liked hugs from people I was close with, but the burning feeling.. It was too much at times.
I read the dictionary for fun when I was like 3 or 4 lol
Running away from my mother trying to put nappy cream on my sore arse because I'd rather than a sore arse than sticky cream. And I remember shouting " No cream! No cream!" Shuttling at high speed for hours in the living room, back and forth between two windows, until I fell and cracked my head on the windowsill, had to be bundled into my coat which is a DAYTIME CLOTHING ITEM. I remember the rage and confusion at doing DAYTIME THINGS at NIGHT TIME.
There aren't many childhood memories I can recall on demand, and I think more of what I retain from childhood comes from my hyperfixations. Some childhood fixations were Neopets, the Brendon Leonard Show and Late Night with Conan O'Brien. Getting access to the internet on my family's computer in middle school really accelerated my ability to completely immerse myself in my fixations. Basically my ADHD partnering with my autism to take over my life 😂
Two come to mind, both when I was either 3 or 4 (diagnosed at 8): Getting in trouble with my father for doing exactly what I was told I should do to be polite (burped during preschool choir on stage at church. if you burp, you excuse yourself, even if nobody heard you. It’s the polite thing to do. Apparently, it wasn’t the time or place, but how was I supposed to know? Not only was I undiagnosed autistic, but I WAS A TODDLER! And he got down on my level to practically YELL at me in the church lobby!) Being physically unable to move into the living room from the covered porch/playroom when the tornado sirens on the school behind my house were doing their monthly test, bawling my eyes out because the noise hurt my ears so much. I couldn’t even bring my hands to my ears; my mom had to cover my ears for me.
Its hard to say, most of my childhood is empty, a blur, or out of order, but when I was about 4/5 (if I remember correctly) I was watching the Lion King on VHS (back in the late 1900s) and it snapped. It was the second one to break due to repeat watchings. I had an absolute meltdown. My mom wasn't one to accept me for me, so when I started crying and 'throwing a fit' she hit me until she felt better, made me go to my room until my dad got home (which was after bedtime). While in my room I went into my tiny closet with my blankets and pillow and rocked myself sore.
i’d get into arguments in sunday school. i wasn’t raised to be skeptical or educated about other religions, but i was still very suspicious about a higher being
Probably in first grade when I walked around to every desk and asked each person individually to “please be quiet because I have a headache.” I did not have a headache but they were loud, I was worried we’d all get in trouble (low key abusive teacher), and my mom suffered from migraines (legitimately) and sometimes we needed to be a little quiet inside because she had a headache.
Perpetually chapped lips and skin around my mouth from licking them. Mum wouldn't use anything but Vaseline so I had a perpetually shiny face too. Starting at probably 2.
Tip-toe walking in preschool. Kids would snottily ask me why I did it and I just said I was born with it.
i remember one time in elementary being SO exited to wear my hannah montana tshirt, while the other girls around me have "moved on" from tween TV...and started making fun of me for it. it took till high school to wear ANY graphic tshirts after that.
Think I read that wrong, first autistic memory I think would be when I started reception. All the kids would make friends, I didn’t get it. I used to sit inside with the teacher on break times and cut corners off paper trying to get straight lines to make a curve. Didn’t last long the teachers kicked me out so I had to walk loops around the playground until it was time for lessons again.
Being 3 or 4 and covering my ears, shaking, in the public bathroom because of how loud the handdryers were
Running my finger nail repeatedly up and down the satin edge of a blanket. Then losing my mind when it wore out.
turning my hearing aids off all the time because all the noises were too much (got them at the age of 4)
My mother trying to stop me spinning in the lounge room because I always ended up falling and hitting my head on the furniture. I would’ve been 2 or 3.
hungry smell dog fuzzy depend birds deliver ancient longing zonked *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
My obsession with FNAF. Lasted literal years. But if I'm gonna go earlier, then maybe my strong emotions when I was a kid. My sister would be teasing me and I'd get so angry that I'd literally start kicking her. And apparently I'd bite her but I don't quite remember that. And also, I have been picky with my food since forever.
Licking the carpet samples in Home Depot as a kid. I really liked how it felt on my tongue.
Hating putting on rough jeans, or socks with any kind of texture to them
For me, it would be my strong sense of justice and how everything was black and white when I was little. I would throw tantrums and argue with my dad if he took the “wrong” way home. I’d call out my mom for lying if she told a story not exactly the way I remembered it. I’d always snitch on my older sister and cousin if they were breaking any kind of rule. I was always scolding my family for swearing. I was the cop of my family for a really long time. I try to be more open minded now and accept that there are grey areas in life. It’s hard tho.
This may be the OCD, but as a kid I would count my fries when I got fast food and announce the number. Besides that, my strong love of dogs. I had a shirt with my favorite breed on it, CONSTANTLY drew dogs, and had an encyclopedia of dogs. I knew all the breeds back then lol. Maybe also the crying and/or hating loud things like thunderstorms and fireworks. I feel like that might be normal kid stuff though. Hating tags and itchy clothes. Like, could not handle it. Idk which of these came first, my memory isn't the best.
Needing the top of my head to be pressed against a hard surface to fall asleep. My mom said I started doing it the moment i was able to wiggle in my crib. Its the same today lol
1. Drinking tangerine juice, only the way my granpa did it but spitting tangerine pieces because of the texture. 2. Breaking a boy's shirt at school and peeing on my pants, getting punished almost every days, talking all the time till the teacher made me shut up, always talking about my cats. 3. Jumping up and down, my dad holding my hand and my brother near me, I jumped down and I sprained my elbow. 4. Poking my eyes to see lots of colours, I saw blue lines and white dots and then more colours, I did that many times a day. 5. Being unable to sleep for prolonged time or difficulty falling asleep. I hated naps. 6. I really hated having my hair long, I hated pigtails too, I would cry almost every time my mom brushed my hair, luckily I got it short after that. 7. Being advanced in many skills but almost never following instructions and rules, always getting in trouble. 8. Only wanting to play with other children because I liked their toys, if I was able of taking their toys away I would completely ignore them and line them up, I loved dinosaur toys and animal toys. I remeber one day I stole a toy from a boy and I took it home, my mom asked me and I said "I stole it" and she told me to give it back. 9. Always saying "Aww so cute!" when I saw an animal untill my parents started yelling at me to shut up. 10. If a classmate approached me I ignored them, or talked about my cats, I was obsessed with cats, I even did a oral presentation of cats. 11. Being very sincere about other people's thing and making them get upset because of that. 12. Hiding from teachers because of the way they treated me at school, of course my parents thought I was shy not scared. 13. Breaking my toys and other objects because it was fun for me, I remember breaking some books too. 14. Getting obsessed with one part of the toy in particular, I remember when my brother got a police car and an ambulance and inside the police car there where gold and some dollar bills that were super small and I had a meltdown because my mom didn't let me take it, but then my brother let me play with it and I walked away because that was the only thing I wanted.
i used to twirl my hair excessively. when i was probably 3-5, i would twirl and pull my hair as a soothing technique to fall asleep on my own. i loved the feeling of it. (i still do, and tend to do the same thing when i have a migraine or am stressed) i twirled it so much, i would rip it out and have bald spots at 3 years old. i would throw the hair under my bed because i was ashamed, then continue to twirl and pull. my mom eventually made me sleep with oven mitts on because i had ripped out most of my hair. i still do it occasionally, but i have different stims now.
Might just be social anxiety, but after a long day of school I would cry underneath my bed for hours. Quiet kid in honors classes
For me its probably at about 6 or 7 watching childrens tv, i was obsessed with the tv, in 4 different languages and learning a bit of each language. And then i saw my mum pointed out to her friends how weird / especially smart of me that was.
My mom was cutting onions in the kitchen, I walked into the room and immediately puked from being overwhelmed by the smell.
I have a vivid memory at 6 or 7 years old, realizing that if I wanted people to listen to me I had to make eye contact. It was uncomfortable but I got semi used to it and from then on adults always mentioned how good I was at eye contact.
Kindergarten. I grabbed the toys that were sensory pleasing and touched them. Sat in a corner. Completely overwhelmed by the other kids. Once everyone left and I played by myself and built a huge tower out of brickstones. Was so happy and didn't want to go although my mom came to pick me up. She was too late and I had the chance to play by myself... well everything before the age of five.
it took me over a decade to realize I was being autistic when we were sitting in the “small” class for reading and math, I was 7, my teacher had said “today we’re gonna talk about commas!” I busted out laughing. it really wasn’t that funny, idk man. but she then said “well since you think the word is comma is so funny we can talk to your mom about that after school today.” straight faced. I stopped laughing and literally said “okay yay!!” it literally occurred to me out of the blue 15 years later that she was trying to hint at that I was getting in trouble😭😭all these years i’ve been like huh wonder why she wanted to tell my mom about comma being a funny word… I have since ironically become the most sarcastic little shit lol, however, when it comes to other people being sarcastic, I constantly ask “are you being for real, or like sarcasm?” 😭😭😭
i have a bad memory but earliest i can remember is having a special interest in spongebob and i used to try and laugh like him lol
We had assigned play stations in kindergarten. I don't remember what all of them were, but I was always assigned to the building blocks with two boys. However, I really wanted to play in the little playhouse because the kids there always looked like they were having fun. I don't know why they didn't have us rotate regularly, but some days we would be assigned a different station just to "switch things up". One day, I was finally assigned to the playhouse. I had no idea what to do because I was NOT good at pretend play. So I would just feel the windows and the kitchen fixtures with my hands and not do much else. The boys in my assigned group preferred the blocks, so they didn't do anything either. When we were back to our regular assigned stations, I was pissed that I wasn't able to come up with anything to do in the playhouse that made it worthwhile, but had no ideas for what I could have done. For some reason I still wanted to be assigned there, but was never assigned there again.