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I could be wrong but I sense that if I probed a little that something a little unpleasant is provoking this question. I kind of assumed based on the title that you were talking lifestyle/professional or something, but it sounds like you basically mean, how many dominant women are just in it for a fling before settling down for a "real" relationship? Just going purely on intuition here I would guess that you're putting things in mental boxes here that don't have sharp boundaries in reality, or aren't corrolated.
This seems like a biased question and nobody is going to have answer for this.
Some do and some don't. If that's what you are looking for then maybe look for a relationship first and bring up the d/s dynamic very early.
That is the tactic I've used as a dommes as well. Worked better for me than specifically kinky dating places.
(Maybe this is more true for my early-mid twenties age group that others though)
45% — j/k
That said, reading through the comments, I think you don’t understand what’s happening. You said, observe a lot of domme women leaving the lifestyle, and you’re assuming they only wanted a FLR for a short time.
I actually did this myself, but it wasn’t because I lost interest in D/s, but because, many submissive men are so selfish about their kinks, I basically became a kink dispenser. For example, I had an ex who was unwilling to clean the house unless I “forced” him to wear his sissy maid outfit. Mind you, I worked and he didn’t.
So. I worked all day to pays for stuff, came home, and had to either cook dinner and clean up after him, or indulge his kinks so he’d step up. When I dumped him, and went back to dating vanilla, I found men who were willing to at least pay for shit. Even though my kinks are more dominant, just not having to do all the work in the relationship was such a relief, I stayed out of the scene for a decade.
Many submissive men don’t appreciate what it actually means to, say, be a housewife. When women are housewives, they cook and clean every day regardless of if they feel like it. However, many sub men are so entitled, they only want to do “role reversal” when they get off on it, and otherwise expect their partner to pick up these tasks. I think many subs are delusional about how easy it is to fulfill the feminine role.
So… yeah, why the fuck would I want to hang around for that? I’d rather be single. But, I don’t think women are losing interest, but rather, so many male subs have such a selfish idea of what submission looks like that it’s not sustainable in the long term for their female partners.
Yeah... stories like yours make me feel secondhand shame. And they're very common, of course. The implication that some men take away the lesson that "women just aren't as serious about domination as us" is a real twist of the knife.
The thing that kills me is... if those guys found what they think of as their dream-dominant, who treat them just how they want and let them live in a fantasyland of no real adult responsibilities or commitments... it's not *possible* that they would be happy living like that, is it? Like in not even a month I would have to think it would become completely hollow. I get that peoples' brains push them to chase certain things but you'd hope that when a person gets past adolescence they can see what's a dog chasing cars and what isn't.
This is really helpful! Thanks! Also I totally agree! With you providing, he/she needs to take care of the house doing all the cooking and cleaning regardless of the dress code you set or their mood.
Why on earth do you think a casual kinky relationship before settling down into a "traditional" one is enough of a thing to need to be measured? Where are you even getting this from?
I've heard of some Dom women essentially lose attraction with their sub men over time. Which makes me wonder how committed they were to the lifestyle. Don't get me wrong, it's totally fine to start out casual. I'm just wondering if some of the Dom women know in their heart they would never marry/continue their Dom/sub relationship long term. So I'm wondering is this just a kinky season "thing" them to try out temporarily.
I think you're thinking of this in the wrong way. Some *people* lose attraction to their *partners* over time, in general. That doesn't have anything to do with their sincerity or commitment to what they're telling you they want out of a relationship.
The only place I hear this is the slightly wanky/misogynistic idea that women are incapable of respecting or being attracted to submissive men. Notably this doesn't come up as much in M/f, where unlike in femdom there's no "be careful buddy, if she pegs you she might not see you as a *man* anymore!" hand wringing.
Good fucking lord I hate this notion. I'm *only* attracted to willowy soft bois and I've been called a liar over it by multiple dudes. Or the mf who got angrier and angrier trying to convince me I'd fall out of love instantly if I saw my boyfriend cry.
I've heard of those stories too but I'm not talking about that necessarily. Most of those guys are talking about asking their girlfriends to peg them for the first time. I'm talking about Dom women who love pegging. But either don't want a Long term relationship. Or lose interest with the guy after a few years.
Buddy, your entire profile is rather overtly racist porn. I think the only place your idea comes from is your fantasies and anxieties of how different categories of people work.
Welp, that was a click I shouldn't have risked.
OP, if this is what you're into, no wonder you have the misguided notions you do. That whole subgenre has slowly conditioned you to perceive things differently than they actually are.
I want one.
Just because I am into kink it doesn't mean that I don't value relationships.
I want a relationship first and then kink second.
My process from prior experience is that I want to make friends then relationship then kink
I know a lot of people into kink like to have pack families etc sisters and what not but I don't really like that because I'm demisexual
I mean I might like the idea of it but in reality I don't really like it.
Open relationships are not really for me I am into monogamy.
I know if some DOMMES who are also into monogomy as well.
So it's not uncommon.
But neither is having a pack either
We’re not a hive mind (and I’m personally not into most men so also not your target audience, presumably).
Regardless: I’ve never enjoyed casual relationships and aim for something with roots that we can grow and nurture together for life. Add kink for flavor. Let simmer. I miss being known and instinctually understood sexually. Having that groundwork in place makes it better for me.
Depends on what I’m looking for. I play with people all the time for nothing more than an evening. I have a long term partner of 7 years and another 2 for over 3 years. I consider these relationships as long term, romantic relationships.
I'm only interesting in domming within the context of a long term relationship. I don't think I'd care to put the effort in if I didn't love them and want them on my leash for life.
You're creating a false dichotomy. It's not "real" relationships vs "temporary" relationships. Relationships don't work like that. There are people out there who like to have multiple short term relationships. There are a lot of people out there who play with a lot of different people. There are people who have multiple play partners. There are people who never want any kind of relationship at all. There are people who want it to last forever, and people who want to see where it goes over time. And so many more.
Different types of people want different types of relationships, and relationships do not automatically fall into one of two caregories.
I personally think it all depends on the connection with someone. I’m a pro-Domme and as much as it would be great to be in a relationship with someone, I don’t see myself being in one. Subs usually think first about their needs and kink and utilising it on daily basis. I believe a form of friendship-connection should be established first, then relationship - values, goals etc and then kink. Most people start off from kink and then other important values are missing. Lots of subs feel entitled to their Dommes during relationship and I like freedom.
Dommes i know, are mostly pro-Dommes and all of them met their partners in vanilla setting, therefore those are more successful. Everybody has a different goal when it comes to expectations. Relationship should help with growth and evolving on many levels, not just kink. Finding the right partner is extremely difficult
This is such a narrow question. I (and I gotta assume some others) don't fall on either side of your "either/or" framing.
I'm nonmonogamous. All my relationships are unique. I like when they're long term, but sometimes they're not. None of my relationships are FLR, and all of them are varying degrees of "traditional" so... This question is just way too narrow to get good answers I think, especially in this community that's actually quite diverse.
I suppose first and foremost depends on the domme. It's peculiar to me because we both arguably want the same goal - to please our partner, just at varying emotional depths and lengths of time. I'd say you're asking about dommes' deep and maybe even dark hopes and wet dreams. That's 99% of the time, that's what a domme is looking for, or at least hoping for. Someone who can love her in her glories and weakness for the long haul. A dependable lover a sub who can be hers in heart and action. Aka She could feel the trust in her, the belief in her success, and the given power to be in her glory. I'm *obviously* biased in this opinion, but I think those of us that divert from this mindset at least so far in my experience, either feel their needs are more than can be taken on, or are those that would not want long term relationships in general. I can say that I see a heck of alot more doms complaining about feeling like a kink dispenser than I do subs- but there's also a reinforment in after care for the subs in the Dom community that seems nearly non existent in the sub community (a topic for another post)Also, I think it comes down to trust. Dommes have to be very guarded, and often, once we are vulnerable, it's at a depth that one can't back away from it. It's also very hard to lead in life and bed *and* find someone it's okay to fail with and accept failure from that *also* aligns morally, sexually, and life planwise. So note while often wanted not easily achieved. A lot, and I mean a LOT of work for and from both parties for success.
I'm definitely looking for long-term subs, but I'm not looking for a relationship. I'm married. I have my FLR already. I don't post personals and I don't answer personals, for that reason. Unfortunately even though my profile and FAQ make it clear that I'm married, people still message me under the impression that I'm available romantically.
I think there are a lot of Dommes like me who are in awkward positions like this, where we want to be available professionally or partially, but it becomes difficult to navigate because the assumption is present that we're only in it for the money, etc. I live this lifestyle 24/7 already; I'm not married to my husband for the money - I just don't have time and energy and interest in adding another significant, daily relationship to my roster. I feel like a lot of Dommes are in this category and it skews perception to the idea that most Dommes are simply emotionally unavailable, disinterested in FLR, or maybe not even present. When the case is that we're in relationships already, or only available for professional services, etc.
It’s just like all other connections: it depends on the facets of the person and the bond. I personally have a relationship with another dom. I prefer this romantic dynamic but I also still have like to have subs. That being said, our heart is not closed to the subs we invite in, but just haven’t found the right one that we would formally extend a romantic invitation to yet.
All my D/s relationships are “real” relationships and as such need to meet basic requirements. Whether they last long-term is based on a lot of factors that may or may not be under my/our control.
I can’t give you a percentage. I can tell you that local to me, a lot of dominant women are looking for a LTR and cannot find a partner who’s a match or serious about it.
If you're looking for help or advice, please consider taking a look at our [recommendations for getting ideas and advice for your femdom adventures](https://www.reddit.com/r/FemdomCommunity/wiki/index/gettingandgivinghelp#wiki_getting_help_in_this_subreddit). We've got a lot of folks willing to help. Please help them by including pertinent details such as you and your partners interests, needs and limits.
We also invite you to browse our wiki for [helpful guides and resources](https://www.reddit.com/r/FemdomCommunity/wiki/index#wiki_kink_guides_and_resources) and [answers to some frequently asked questions](https://www.reddit.com/r/FemdomCommunity/wiki/index/femdomfaq).
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It looks like this thread is about getting advice/tips from the community. Please consider taking a look at our [recommendations for getting ideas and advice for your femdom adventures](https://www.reddit.com/r/FemdomCommunity/wiki/index/gettingandgivinghelp#wiki_getting_help_in_this_subreddit). We've got a lot of folks willing to help. Please help them by including pertinent details such as you and your partners interests, needs and limits. We also invite you to browse our wiki for [helpful guides and resources](https://www.reddit.com/r/FemdomCommunity/wiki/index#wiki_kink_guides_and_resources) and [answers to some frequently asked questions](https://www.reddit.com/r/FemdomCommunity/wiki/index/femdomfaq). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/FemdomCommunity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I could be wrong but I sense that if I probed a little that something a little unpleasant is provoking this question. I kind of assumed based on the title that you were talking lifestyle/professional or something, but it sounds like you basically mean, how many dominant women are just in it for a fling before settling down for a "real" relationship? Just going purely on intuition here I would guess that you're putting things in mental boxes here that don't have sharp boundaries in reality, or aren't corrolated.
This seems like a biased question and nobody is going to have answer for this. Some do and some don't. If that's what you are looking for then maybe look for a relationship first and bring up the d/s dynamic very early.
That is the tactic I've used as a dommes as well. Worked better for me than specifically kinky dating places. (Maybe this is more true for my early-mid twenties age group that others though)
45% — j/k That said, reading through the comments, I think you don’t understand what’s happening. You said, observe a lot of domme women leaving the lifestyle, and you’re assuming they only wanted a FLR for a short time. I actually did this myself, but it wasn’t because I lost interest in D/s, but because, many submissive men are so selfish about their kinks, I basically became a kink dispenser. For example, I had an ex who was unwilling to clean the house unless I “forced” him to wear his sissy maid outfit. Mind you, I worked and he didn’t. So. I worked all day to pays for stuff, came home, and had to either cook dinner and clean up after him, or indulge his kinks so he’d step up. When I dumped him, and went back to dating vanilla, I found men who were willing to at least pay for shit. Even though my kinks are more dominant, just not having to do all the work in the relationship was such a relief, I stayed out of the scene for a decade. Many submissive men don’t appreciate what it actually means to, say, be a housewife. When women are housewives, they cook and clean every day regardless of if they feel like it. However, many sub men are so entitled, they only want to do “role reversal” when they get off on it, and otherwise expect their partner to pick up these tasks. I think many subs are delusional about how easy it is to fulfill the feminine role. So… yeah, why the fuck would I want to hang around for that? I’d rather be single. But, I don’t think women are losing interest, but rather, so many male subs have such a selfish idea of what submission looks like that it’s not sustainable in the long term for their female partners.
Yeah... stories like yours make me feel secondhand shame. And they're very common, of course. The implication that some men take away the lesson that "women just aren't as serious about domination as us" is a real twist of the knife. The thing that kills me is... if those guys found what they think of as their dream-dominant, who treat them just how they want and let them live in a fantasyland of no real adult responsibilities or commitments... it's not *possible* that they would be happy living like that, is it? Like in not even a month I would have to think it would become completely hollow. I get that peoples' brains push them to chase certain things but you'd hope that when a person gets past adolescence they can see what's a dog chasing cars and what isn't.
This is really helpful! Thanks! Also I totally agree! With you providing, he/she needs to take care of the house doing all the cooking and cleaning regardless of the dress code you set or their mood.
Why on earth do you think a casual kinky relationship before settling down into a "traditional" one is enough of a thing to need to be measured? Where are you even getting this from?
Agreed, also FLR is not a requirement for F/m dynamic.
I've heard of some Dom women essentially lose attraction with their sub men over time. Which makes me wonder how committed they were to the lifestyle. Don't get me wrong, it's totally fine to start out casual. I'm just wondering if some of the Dom women know in their heart they would never marry/continue their Dom/sub relationship long term. So I'm wondering is this just a kinky season "thing" them to try out temporarily.
I think you're thinking of this in the wrong way. Some *people* lose attraction to their *partners* over time, in general. That doesn't have anything to do with their sincerity or commitment to what they're telling you they want out of a relationship.
The only place I hear this is the slightly wanky/misogynistic idea that women are incapable of respecting or being attracted to submissive men. Notably this doesn't come up as much in M/f, where unlike in femdom there's no "be careful buddy, if she pegs you she might not see you as a *man* anymore!" hand wringing.
Good fucking lord I hate this notion. I'm *only* attracted to willowy soft bois and I've been called a liar over it by multiple dudes. Or the mf who got angrier and angrier trying to convince me I'd fall out of love instantly if I saw my boyfriend cry.
I've heard of those stories too but I'm not talking about that necessarily. Most of those guys are talking about asking their girlfriends to peg them for the first time. I'm talking about Dom women who love pegging. But either don't want a Long term relationship. Or lose interest with the guy after a few years.
Buddy, your entire profile is rather overtly racist porn. I think the only place your idea comes from is your fantasies and anxieties of how different categories of people work.
Welp, that was a click I shouldn't have risked. OP, if this is what you're into, no wonder you have the misguided notions you do. That whole subgenre has slowly conditioned you to perceive things differently than they actually are.
My ideas come from other subs. And I don't agree on your racist comment. But it's alright I'm not trying to fight online
Don't listen to the insecurity/wanking about emasculation of other men as good advice on how girls work.
And who told you this?
I want one. Just because I am into kink it doesn't mean that I don't value relationships. I want a relationship first and then kink second. My process from prior experience is that I want to make friends then relationship then kink I know a lot of people into kink like to have pack families etc sisters and what not but I don't really like that because I'm demisexual I mean I might like the idea of it but in reality I don't really like it. Open relationships are not really for me I am into monogamy. I know if some DOMMES who are also into monogomy as well. So it's not uncommon. But neither is having a pack either
We’re not a hive mind (and I’m personally not into most men so also not your target audience, presumably). Regardless: I’ve never enjoyed casual relationships and aim for something with roots that we can grow and nurture together for life. Add kink for flavor. Let simmer. I miss being known and instinctually understood sexually. Having that groundwork in place makes it better for me.
Depends on what I’m looking for. I play with people all the time for nothing more than an evening. I have a long term partner of 7 years and another 2 for over 3 years. I consider these relationships as long term, romantic relationships.
I'm only interesting in domming within the context of a long term relationship. I don't think I'd care to put the effort in if I didn't love them and want them on my leash for life.
You're creating a false dichotomy. It's not "real" relationships vs "temporary" relationships. Relationships don't work like that. There are people out there who like to have multiple short term relationships. There are a lot of people out there who play with a lot of different people. There are people who have multiple play partners. There are people who never want any kind of relationship at all. There are people who want it to last forever, and people who want to see where it goes over time. And so many more. Different types of people want different types of relationships, and relationships do not automatically fall into one of two caregories.
I personally think it all depends on the connection with someone. I’m a pro-Domme and as much as it would be great to be in a relationship with someone, I don’t see myself being in one. Subs usually think first about their needs and kink and utilising it on daily basis. I believe a form of friendship-connection should be established first, then relationship - values, goals etc and then kink. Most people start off from kink and then other important values are missing. Lots of subs feel entitled to their Dommes during relationship and I like freedom. Dommes i know, are mostly pro-Dommes and all of them met their partners in vanilla setting, therefore those are more successful. Everybody has a different goal when it comes to expectations. Relationship should help with growth and evolving on many levels, not just kink. Finding the right partner is extremely difficult
Thank you for your answer! That's good advice!
This is such a narrow question. I (and I gotta assume some others) don't fall on either side of your "either/or" framing. I'm nonmonogamous. All my relationships are unique. I like when they're long term, but sometimes they're not. None of my relationships are FLR, and all of them are varying degrees of "traditional" so... This question is just way too narrow to get good answers I think, especially in this community that's actually quite diverse.
I suppose first and foremost depends on the domme. It's peculiar to me because we both arguably want the same goal - to please our partner, just at varying emotional depths and lengths of time. I'd say you're asking about dommes' deep and maybe even dark hopes and wet dreams. That's 99% of the time, that's what a domme is looking for, or at least hoping for. Someone who can love her in her glories and weakness for the long haul. A dependable lover a sub who can be hers in heart and action. Aka She could feel the trust in her, the belief in her success, and the given power to be in her glory. I'm *obviously* biased in this opinion, but I think those of us that divert from this mindset at least so far in my experience, either feel their needs are more than can be taken on, or are those that would not want long term relationships in general. I can say that I see a heck of alot more doms complaining about feeling like a kink dispenser than I do subs- but there's also a reinforment in after care for the subs in the Dom community that seems nearly non existent in the sub community (a topic for another post)Also, I think it comes down to trust. Dommes have to be very guarded, and often, once we are vulnerable, it's at a depth that one can't back away from it. It's also very hard to lead in life and bed *and* find someone it's okay to fail with and accept failure from that *also* aligns morally, sexually, and life planwise. So note while often wanted not easily achieved. A lot, and I mean a LOT of work for and from both parties for success.
I could not have a vanilla relationship in my personal life. Maybe I'm part of the minority but I am also Polyamorous so..
I'm definitely looking for long-term subs, but I'm not looking for a relationship. I'm married. I have my FLR already. I don't post personals and I don't answer personals, for that reason. Unfortunately even though my profile and FAQ make it clear that I'm married, people still message me under the impression that I'm available romantically. I think there are a lot of Dommes like me who are in awkward positions like this, where we want to be available professionally or partially, but it becomes difficult to navigate because the assumption is present that we're only in it for the money, etc. I live this lifestyle 24/7 already; I'm not married to my husband for the money - I just don't have time and energy and interest in adding another significant, daily relationship to my roster. I feel like a lot of Dommes are in this category and it skews perception to the idea that most Dommes are simply emotionally unavailable, disinterested in FLR, or maybe not even present. When the case is that we're in relationships already, or only available for professional services, etc.
It’s just like all other connections: it depends on the facets of the person and the bond. I personally have a relationship with another dom. I prefer this romantic dynamic but I also still have like to have subs. That being said, our heart is not closed to the subs we invite in, but just haven’t found the right one that we would formally extend a romantic invitation to yet.
All my D/s relationships are “real” relationships and as such need to meet basic requirements. Whether they last long-term is based on a lot of factors that may or may not be under my/our control.
Personally, I want a sub + hubby = subby.
Haha love it!
I can’t give you a percentage. I can tell you that local to me, a lot of dominant women are looking for a LTR and cannot find a partner who’s a match or serious about it.
What city? Sounds like a great place to be!
Is frmdom only women for men? I thought it was any female domme.
You're right! I should specify next time
I know I want one when I find a sub
Interesting thought… with 2 or more willing parties and enough communication anything is possible! Go find your persons :)
Yet to find one
If you're looking for help or advice, please consider taking a look at our [recommendations for getting ideas and advice for your femdom adventures](https://www.reddit.com/r/FemdomCommunity/wiki/index/gettingandgivinghelp#wiki_getting_help_in_this_subreddit). We've got a lot of folks willing to help. Please help them by including pertinent details such as you and your partners interests, needs and limits. We also invite you to browse our wiki for [helpful guides and resources](https://www.reddit.com/r/FemdomCommunity/wiki/index#wiki_kink_guides_and_resources) and [answers to some frequently asked questions](https://www.reddit.com/r/FemdomCommunity/wiki/index/femdomfaq). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/FemdomCommunity) if you have any questions or concerns.*