A lot of these comments are very judgemental. If free use agreements aren't for you and yours, so be it. It isn't about "acting out porn tropes" or being one sided. Some couples are more vocal and communicative and kinky than others and that is okay.
OP, you do you as long as it works for you.
Lots of judgement here. Most of my partners we have never had issues with sex. When one of us wanted it....we had sex. To be honest, it seems far less transactional as some are stating if you embrace the free use, because it results in much more spontaneous sex.
You know what seems transactional? Only have sex at set times such as when they are both feeling prime, or after a date night, etc. What happened to being spontaneous?
Some set times work for some people —not only or exclusively set up ahead of time
Spontaneous sex is great—trying to be open to your partner most of the time is great but being able to say no not now, not today—is paramount. Hopefully it isn’t said often
I mean, most of the people in this sub treat their spouse like they're enemies in a competition. Activities like snooping on each other's phones and devices are common. They think porn is cheating and want to control every aspect of their partner based on their own insecurities. Do you really think this is a great place for an open chat about kink?
An awful lot of them also just seem to hate sex which I blame on the abysmal and toxic sex negative education in the US.
Combined with the fact that people are more and more becoming absolutists and refusing to understand nuance. Is consent important? Yes. Does marital rape happen? Yes. But not every conversation around healthy sex in a marriage is about abusive ones.
Healthy adults are perfectly capable of operating under implied consent rules.
I can absolutely initiate sex or freely touch my spouse and be capable of respecting his no if he’s really just not in the mood for whatever reason. Same goes for him.
Respecting boundaries has never been an issue.
But this sub doesn’t really encourage people to talk about their healthy marriages. You get downvoted to hell and back simply for having a relationship style someone else wouldn’t want to be in.
Like I would hard pass on being in traditional gender roles. That’s not for me but I’m not going to tell other people they are wrong for having them if that is what makes them happy/is the life they want. Different is ok.
OMG this.
The "if it's not a hell yes, it's a hell no" has it's heart in the right place, but...
I don't think I've been a "hell yes!" with my husband for years, and we bone three or four times a week. I'm a responsive desire type person, so when my husband initiates, my internal dialog is "this again?" When I initiate, my internal dialog is "I'd rather be watching netflix."
The hell yes emerges 10 minutes into things. Unless it's a quickie, in which sometimes I just do it for him.
Are you me? 😂
The only time I’m hell yes these days is when I’m having a crazy menopause induced hormonal surge.
Otherwise, it’s a warm yes because I know he’s going to make sure I’m having a good time and 10 min after we get going I’m in the mood to rock his world too.
Literally. I’m about to unfollow because of this. It has me thinking something is wrong with me because I value my privacy and don’t want to divorce my spouse for having the absolute nerve to find another women besides me attractive.
I don't know why I stay. To be a voice of reason? I dunno but a few days ago someone basically invalidated my own marriage by saying that without god, a marriage is pointless.
Lol i love it yeah i lilurk here im married and i think its hilarious how 95% of posts its always ridiculous over the top posts that is clealy embelished or made up or every1 is like DIVORCE.....no dont work through your problems DIVORCE.
There are some incredibly insecure women on here. They blame their husband for “making them” feel that way but they were broken before they met him. Men are very visual. They look at women all the time. It doesn’t mean they don’t love their wives.
The weirdest thing to me is so many people have issues with their spouse masturbating ESPECIALLY if it's near them or in the same room. Idk I couldn't imagine being with someone and being grossed out when they take care of themselves after I've turned them down. It's just as natural as sex. There was one post where the guy could never masturbate in his room because the girl liked to lounge around in bed all morning, he was required to go to the guest bedroom to masturbate if he was horny in the morning. His damn room too! He pays half the bills! At least get up half the mornings and leave him to the bedroom for once why is she the only one allowed to be comfortable in THEIR home
The weirdest thing to me is so many people have issues with their spouse masturbating ESPECIALLY if it's near them or in the same room. Idk I couldn't imagine being with someone and being grossed out when they take care of themselves after I've turned them down. It's just as natural as sex. There was one post where the guy could never masturbate in his room because the girl liked to lounge around in bed all morning, he was required to go to the guest bedroom to masturbate if he was horny in the morning. His damn room too! He pays half the bills! At least get up half the mornings and leave him to the bedroom for once why is she the only one allowed to be comfortable in THEIR home
>OP, you do you as long as it works for you.
Yes, and his wife should do what works for her. I hope he understands that his offer works because at any given time he is usually up for sexual contact. Some people are, but some people are not. His wife presumably is not up for it.
>i just wish she'd make the same standing offer.
That's the part that is important. What "works for him" doesn't seem to work for her. They aren't on the same page here (apparently.) If both were aligned, I'd see no issue.
What is disgusting about wishing that? What is wrong with feeling that way? It would be wrong if he trashed her not doing it. I think most of us have something about our spouse we wish we could change a little to meet our preferences better? It could be music or food taste or whatever? Why is it wrong because it’s sex?
I never ever say no to sex or other things even when I don’t feel like it. If my husband wants me I’m his, and I also wish he would do the same. He has said no sometimes because sex doesn’t work for him that way, and that I 100% okay. But I would still wish he felt the same way, and he wish I would listen to the same music as him. I don’t see the problem.
That really isn’t what he said. She does ask for “favors” he is saying he wishes she would be willing to reciprocate if he asked her for favors which is perfect fair! Husband should not feel bad for asking for a bj or something else, wives should be happy to make their partner happy, in my opinion.
It’s disgusting to complain about somebody not wanting to give unlimited access. It is disgusting that he’s complaining that his wife is allowed to say no to sex. The OP is obviously not in a consensual free use relationship.
I give my husband unlimited access to my body and it’s also not disgusting. The issue is OPs wife does not feel the same way we do. She does not want op near her.
He didn’t say she don’t want him near her, he said he wishes she would make the same standing offer as him. As in he he wants a bj she would do it.
Just because she isn’t the same as him doesn’t mean something is wrong with her.
Whenever I post anything too “sex positive” here I’ve gotten downvoted and jumped on. I think a lot of marriages aren’t in a healthy sex space and people just get judgy and pissed. Not the right sub I guess.
OP- my husband can get it whenever he wants it and vice versa!
I’m not sure I understand the question. My husband can ask for sex whenever he wants. I can agree to it or turn it down. It works both ways. But most of the time we are usually on the same page anyway. We know each other quite well.
Free use is when a spouse basically can't say no. That if your spouse asks for sex, that you have to have it no matter your mood or what you're doing. It's more of a trope found in erotica than something people actually do, but some people do have an agreement within their marriage.
I've seen other people describe free use as being up for sex for whenever but they have code words or wear certain things to indicate that they're "up for it" vs not... Idk if that's the wrong way to describe free use
Yeah, totes. What I'm saying is that "free use" can mean something different to everyone, and we don't know OP's exact interpretation of the term, it's not clear to me at least
Yeah. And CNC roleplay, if that's more along the lines of what he wants, requires a HUGE amount of trust and is definitely not for everyone. It'd be unlikely that he's talking about that, but not impossible
He needs to communicate with his spouse and figure out what each of them want sexually, and then go from there. Sober, non-horny conversation. Knowing these things about each other is intimate and exciting.
I was just referring to free use in general, not this specific case haha
>He needs to communicate with his spouse and figure out what each of them want sexually, and then go from there. Sober, non-horny conversation. Knowing these things about each other is intimate and exciting.
Agreed.
To me, it sounds like OP is mad his wife isnt more horny.
So I was with a guy and agreed to this concept, I was super into the idea. Except the first time I actually said no he lost his mind on me. I was so scared he would leave me because he had manipulated me into believing I was worthless. I never said no again until I finally knew I was done. I had a lot of sex that I did not want to have, even when it resulted in physical issues for me. The second/last time I said no, I was also having a medical emergency and considered going to the hospital.
He was mad I didn't give him "at least" a bj. Absolute scum. I will never, ever allow a man to have free access to my body. Sex is a two yes's situation for me from now on. It's not sexy for me at all anymore.
People just have to be careful, I really did trust and love this man.
It’s not that they CAN’T say no. It’s just means the answer is always YES UNLESS I SAY NO. Some people use a safe word, but the safe word just means no so… they can say no.
>Free use is when a spouse basically can't say no.
It's not that they can't say no, it's that they've consented to sexual "use" of their bodies any time. There is a difference.
That is not what free use is, that’s fantasy. If someone tried to actually enforce it that way it would be abusive. You can always say no.
Free use is a consensual dynamic, pre discussed and arranged, that MIMICS the appearance for fetish purposes of “sex whenever and wherever”. IRL though, there’s agreements already in place that limit behavior.
Often, the “used” part wears an article of clothing or jewelry that indicates when the game is on, or the game is only on in certain places. Safe words are still used, etc.
> Free use is when a spouse basically can't say no.
This is not entirely accurate. Most free use arrangements involve some kind of signal that you're into during that time period. A specific piece of clothing you wear, a piece of jewelry, some kind of object on the night stand or table. It's basically saying "i'm in the mood" without saying it.
Some couples have a 24/7 free use arrangement but most don't.
And of course, consent can be revoked at any time.
If that's what it means, then it's a bad idea. It should be de facto.
I can't imagine "asking for sex." Since we are both grown-ups with lives, we do check in with each other about when is a good time for sex. We like to set the mood (both of us). We jokingly call listening to music and dancing around "foreplay." (It is). This can be for a couple of days. He tends to be more picky about time of day (he wants to go to sleep too early for me) and I really enjoying the anticipation of sex a couple of hours later.
But there's no asking. He knows I will always say yes.
It amounts to the same thing (he is never rejected).
Yeah this is how we are lol or I ask for it and he agrees most of the time but can still turn me down if he’s not feeling well or not up to it, whatever it may be
You say it’s for nothing in return but yet you’re asking her to return the favor…
This is something you should see a therapist about bc sex isn’t quick for all women. Especially if she’s a mom, and working.
I hear you saying YOUR need is to give random favors and YOU want them in return.
What are HER needs? Probably help around the house honestly before sex. If you help her out more I bet she’ll have more time to meet your needs.
You got downvoted but you’re right. It’s not about transaction, you do this and I’ll fuck you. It’s more like my husband says hey go take a bath I’ll clean up the kitchen and put the kids to bed. Gives me some free time to myself, plus I can pluck and shave or whatever if I want. It’s a lot easier to feel sexy when you’re not juggling a shit ton of balls while your partner sits around watching or whatever.
can we stop normalizing stereotyping woman doing all the housework?
Should we also get her a vacuum or dishwashing soap for her birthday?
Is stereotyping ok or not because it seems to be ok on one side of the street but not the other.
From what i've gathered from previous threads across multiple sites, is that sometimes men do the share of the work and sometimes woman do the share of the work.
Why the ultimate come to the rescue "do more chores" assuming that he isn't doing half / more than / most of the chores in the first place?
> can we stop normalizing stereotyping woman doing all the housework?
> assuming that he isn't doing half / more than / most of the chores in the first place?
I mean statistically women ARE doing the majority of household chores. Wives would love nothing more than to normalize equal sharing of chores with their husbands but it’s not the reality in the majority of households. This is a fact that is gradually changing thanks to advances in gender equality, as well as the increased presence of women in the workforce.
(1) [Source](https://eige.europa.eu/publications-resources/toolkits-guides/gender-equality-index-2021-report/gender-differences-household-chores?language_content_entity=en#:~:text=Gender%20Equality%20Index%202021%3A%20Health&text=About%2091%20%25%20of%20women%20with,this%20figure%20is%201.6%20hours.)
About 91% of women with children spend at least an hour per day on housework, compared with 30% of men with children. The latest available data shows that employed women spend about 2.3 hours daily on housework; for employed men, this figure is 1.6 hours.
About 93 % of employed women regularly undertake unpaid housework (daily or several times a week), compared with 53 % of employed men
(2) [Source](https://www.nsf.gov/discoveries/disc_images.jsp?cntn_id=111458)
Based on a representative sample of all U.S. families, a recent study of housework trends revealed husbands create an extra seven hours a week of housework for wives, but wives save husbands from about an hour of housework a week.
The amount of housework done by women has decreased since 1976, while the amount of housework done by men has doubled. In 1976, women did about 26 hours of housework a week; in 2005, they did about 16.5. Men did about six hours a week in 1976, and in 2005, they did about 12.5.
(3) [Source](https://news.gallup.com/poll/283979/women-handle-main-household-tasks.aspx)
Despite some changes over the past two decades, the division of labor in U.S. households remains largely tilted toward traditional stereotypes: Women are more likely than their husbands to take care of the house and children, and men remain the primary caretakers of the car and the yard.
As working women and mothers continue to struggle for equal treatment at work, they are more likely than men to fulfill many core housekeeping tasks at home. Yet, there are some signs that women's roles, particularly those whose salaries match or exceed their husband's, are more equitable.
“Porn tropes” 😪 says all we need to know about your attitude towards fun spontaneous sexual acts with one’s spouse. Enjoy your biscuits and conversation in front of the tv i guess. Hey everyone’s different 😂
I don't watch much porn, so I cannot attest to how popular the free use theme is in them. If it's common, then doesn't that make it a trope by definition?
Anal is pretty common now in porn, does that make it solely a porn trope? No, it’s something people enjoyed long before the widespread availability of pornography
No agreements, but I’ve recently found that waking my wife by going down on her just before leaving for work results in her wanting more sex.
Not exactly free use because I started doing it just for fun in the weeks leading up to Valentine’s Day, as apposed to her initiating it. Turns out that it makes her crave sex more, so it’s a win-win.
I can concur that when *my* sexual needs are met I want more of it.
When my husband was taking the time to satisfy me *before* he got off I was jumping him more often.
But when he stopped and just made sure he got his and sex was over when he finished I really didn't crave sex.
>When my husband was taking the time to satisfy me *before* he got off I was jumping him more often.
Totally get it. It's hot AF that your partner wants to see you enjoy it, so it's a bit of a cycle. You're hot for it, so you want it more often, and that helps.
For years I’ve been making sure she has an orgasm before moving on to PIV. This is different in that it’s just me going down on her about 20 min before her alarm goes off then leaving for work, which I’m already dressed & ready for by then.
That and the frequency. I did it every day for the three weeks before Valentine’s Day. I’ve continued to do it 3-4 days a week since then.
Here’s something else interesting I’ve found doing this. It just has to do with the individual things that make different people tick sexually.
While she rarely turns me down, my wife’s desire is primarily responsive, so she rarely initiates. About four years ago she made it known she wanted me to take on a more dominant and demanding role in the bedroom. Not full on BDSM, but assertive & even a little aggressive.
It’s been interesting to balance that with & figure out how to incorporate it into my absolute love for pleasuring her because on the surface they seem to be opposites. But I’ve been figuring it out & learning to enjoy the blend.
Figuring out dominating dirty talk that that doesn’t approach degradation was a challenge at first but I think I’ve figured it out pretty well. I don’t think I’d be comfortable degrading her even if it was something she wanted.
Anyway, since I started waking her with oral, about every 3rd or 4th time, after her orgasm, I then do the very assertive thing, demanding she get on her knees and “suck my….” Even getting a little physical with pushing her down, etc. (though I put a thick folded blanket down first, don’t want her to be uncomfortable).
Without fail, the days I’ve done that are the days she’s been initiating sex when I get home from work. She’s initiated sex more in the last four weeks than in the previous 9 months.
The combination of prioritizing her pleasure (and often) while ticking this soft domination box seems to be the magic formula for us.
I’ve found some of the marriages where a man is complaining on their wife not wanting it or being super engaging, he is also not allowing proper foreplay. It makes a huge difference. And that does not equal a boob squeeze and saying “wanna do it?” 😉
I’m glad that works for you, it’s a great anecdote, and you have a long marriage so seems like y’all are on the same page sexually.
I just hope nobody takes this as advice unless they talk about it with their partner first. If my spouse woke me up by going down on me without me knowing it was going to happen or giving my consent, I would lose my shit.
Yes. Plenty of history & communication.
She has my permission to wake me for sex anytime & I have her permission to wake her for sex within one hour of her alarm going off.
Also, to quote her from 4 years ago during a discussion about our sexual dynamic, “I want you to do what you want with me and not ask permission.”
It seems a pretty wide blanket statement, but I understand it within the context of many years of learning each other’s comfort zones & boundaries. I move slow enough she has time to process & speak up if needed & I know she doesn’t have issue with doing so.
Not not the kind of thing I’d recommend saying to someone you don’t already have well established respect, trust, & boundaries with.
Honestly I would be very offended if my spouse said this to me. Sex is not a throwaway activity, it means something to me. I would never make a standing offer like that because it is, to me, inherently disrespectful. I need my partner to care about where I am emotionally and physically, and a this type agreement feels transactional and impersonal.
The two can go together, if both people are romantic adults. We never go straight to sex. I can't even imagine that (how does that even work??)
Instead, we have given permission to admire and compliment each other (including our sexual attributes), to look separately or individually at erotica, to talk about sex openly, to touch each other while doing other things around the house, to kiss (various kinds) whenever anyone wants to. If this all leads to the bedroom, we are both on board. Since we never have sex without some build-up and we both can prolong that phase (as we are adults), we don't have an issue of a "standing offer of sex."
We have a standing situation of romantic engagement, which is the only way we get to sex. Sometimes one of us misjudges energy levels (or is particularly tired or not feeling well) so the romantic engagement phase just goes on into the next day.
Our "standing offer" is for romantic-sexual engagement. He knows how I feel about his naked body (I enjoy half-nakedness as much as full nakedness) so he will come out of the shower and get dressed in the living room. Or he'll take his shirt off on his way to the laundry area (passing by me). I never get tired of looking. He likes being admired, too. He likes to give and get hugs, and I'll sneak my hand up his shirt. He likes this.
None of this means we HAVE to have sex at any particular point in time - only that we're thinking about it and WILL have sex when the time is right.
I mean. He can bring it up.. or I can bring it up.. but my wants/needs do not override his current mood, and the same goes for me. The idea of having some kind of rule about this is pretty ick. If someone's NOT feeling the same vibe as you.. that's just weird to expect them to do what you want.
> He can bring it up.. or I can bring it up.. but my wants/needs do not override his current mood, and the same goes for me.
Yep, I had the exact same reaction. Either person can initiate and see if the other wants sex too, and the answer is usually yes. But free use means having sex even when one person doesn't actually want sex and that disgusts me.
If OP isn't asking for that, he's just referring to them both being on the same page about wanting tons of sex...and that isn't free use, it's just a normal horny couple.
Free use and consent are not mutually exclusive. People can, and do, enthusiastically give consent to free use. Because it's not your cup of tea, doesn't mean it isn't for other people.
Surely "consent" doesn't need to involve words though?
Because, if my husband is looking hot and I go put on something sexy, that's consent. For us it is. We both know this. We wouldn't have talked it about as much (as we did recently, while laughing) if it weren't for certain subreddits.
It's been that way since the beginning of the relationship. We usually wish we could find time and energy for more sex, not less. If one person is in the mood, we're more than halfway there.
Kind of? We’ve never really discussed it, but I rarely turn him down. I just decided a long time ago to say yes instead of no. I enjoy sex, it’s really no hardship. He’s always been a generous lover. In the long run, it’s made our relationship stronger. As we’re aging, he’s the one turning me down these days. Enjoy it while you’re young, kids!
This sounds like me & my wife. She rarely turns me down. If she does it doesn’t feel like rejection because it’s not too common & she regularly expresses that she enjoys sex with me.
It helps to be sensitive to cues as well. When her desire went from active to responsive after having kids I noticed less interest in sex so initiated less often. As the youngest got out of the toddler stage, she started showing more interest and I started initiating more often again. Apart from medical/illness reasons we’ve never dropped below once a week & have probably averaged three times a week over our 20 years.
I think our 40’s have been the best sex we’ve ever had.
The two of you have forged some really strong bonds, I'm sure, as a result.
Our situation is the same. Less than once a week is a signal we need to make more time (unless there's illness/medical reasons).
We don't have any kind of agreement, but we are both free to initiate any time we want to, and we are both free to say yes or no any time we want to. Anything other than that is probably a sign of poor communication.
I think this is a horrible thing to agree on. What about the days you dont feel like having sex but you have made agreement (as you put it) so you have to.
Its sick when you thinking about it. Sex should be a think you both fancy at the time.
Sounds like you was hoping she would agree so you could take her saying no (when shes not in the mood) away
Shes not offered it because its wired and sick
I think it's a great idea, but basic biology sometimes makes it not so great. Depending on what you ate that day, what your digestive system is doing, or has recently done, the last time you took a shower, etc. It's kind of better to be sensitive to what's going on with your partner at the moment.
My partner is allowed to attempt wake me up with foreplay in the morning or on actual weekend nights. With the understanding that I will either respond or tell him to knock it off. Because sometimes sleepy sex is fun... Other times it's not. Respecting that if I feel like my sleep is being interrupted it's not sexy is important.
Other than that, we typically just shoot out shots and the other person is down or not. Like, I don't really understand, unless our kid is around is there a reason making an attempt isn't okay?
I’ve told her that anytime she wants I’m willing to satisfy her. I think it would be hot for her to “use” me like this. If she offered me the same I’d have to learn to take her up on it.
We have a free use, no limits agreement. For us it works beautifully.
But, my husband is the most respectful, kind, supportive man I've ever known. If I had told my younger self about who we were going to marry one day, she never would have believed me.
And that's why our agreement works. He knows when I'm sick, sad, overwhelmed, stressed and never in a million years would he partake in our agreement at those times. Without a considerate partner, something like this would never work. He loves me so damn well!! And that's what makes me want to give myself to him so freely.
Same boat as you. My wife can ask for whatever, whenever, and I’ll most likely be down. Both because I enjoy pleasing her and because taking care of her needs/wants is part of my job as her husband. Same reason I always rub her feet and massage her back and stuff.
Ugh. No, if you mean an agreement where the person has to get sexual if the other person asks for it. Seems like a fun thing to try for a while, but it’s not really sustainable. I don’t like feeling used or like a user. Doing something sexual when the other person isn’t really into it, kills my desire.
But beyond that, yeah, we ask each other or make a move and don’t put restrictions on that. If the other person isn’t into it, we let it go. I really can’t imagine respecting someone who would just get me off even though they weren’t really feeling sexual at that moment.
I'm surprised at the amount of people who think "free use" means there's no consent involved. FYI: Free use means you've talked about this previously and have already given enthusiastic consent, so your partner doesn't have to ask for permission again. For some of us, the idea that our partner can "use us" and take us whenever they want it's very hot, but it's a fantasy, and it only works cause there's a foundation of trust and consent that makes you feel safe enough to let yourself go and enjoy the fantasy. Obviously the point is for both partners to enjoy it. It's like any other sexual fantasy.
It's definitely not for anyone cause not everyone will enjoy it, but just because you personally don't like the idea of it doesn't mean it's abusive or disrespectful.
and OBVIOUSLY you can say no if you're not feeling in the mood at any time. It's just sex play, only if your partner is an abusive asshole will they force you to do something you don't feel like doing, and even then the issue clearly would be your partner, not the activity itself. Forcing someone to do something just because they had previously agreed to do it is NOT part of the fantasy. Just like not caring if your partner is actually feeling degraded and afraid during BDSM power play is not part of the game, quite the oposite.
I’ve been happily married for 22 years and love a good game of free use! So much fun! We don’t do it as a lifestyle we make it into a game for short periods of time like 1-5 days. We have so much fun with it, I can’t tell you how many times I’d be folding laundry or doing dishes and he tells me to keep doing what I’m doing, so hot! Lol
Not really a policy but my wife will oblige me most of the time if I ask her if I can taste her for a minute. She will ask occasionally if she can blow me, and how do you turn that down.
We definitely don’t call it “free use” but yes we can and do ask for ~help whenever we want.
We also have a playful and equitable relationship, so it’s not a situation of one of us being treated like a bangmaid. Neither of us cares if the other watches porn or masturbates, so it’s not about preventing that either. We just both like sex and sexual contact and we are both okay with a variety of ways to initiate, and just because one of us doesn’t feel like having an O doesn’t mean we won’t have fun giving one. There’s no obligation, and what works for us doesn’t need to work for others. Some of the comments here are very judgmental.
Yeah. I mean obviously consent is there but sometimes I’m not feeling like doing the whole deal so I’ll just give him a blow job and sometimes he’s not feeling it but he will help me too.
I think it’s a to each their own situation. I have you asked her if she’d be willing to reciprocate it sometimes ?
Free use has always in my mind implied they didn’t need to ask, like if one person is asleep they can just go for it. Which is a no for me. But we both are completely comfortable asking each other for whatever favor, sexual or not.
> are okay with/have agreements with their spouse that they can ask for sex/sexual favors anytime?
"ASK" is the keyword here.
Of course we do that. Don't other couples do that? What are you on, scheduled sex sessions?
Or am I misunderstanding something here?
We pretty much have an unspoken one-way agreement since his drive his higher… he’s ready at all times, so whenever I am, I can have it. It’s not so much for him though just cause that’s not how my sexuality works.
My husband says the same thing as you OP but I can't take him up on the offer because it's not fair. I would feel so guilty if I wasn't returning the favor, except I've done things for him and expected nothing in return. I just can't for myself.
I had a standing order that if I go to bed *naked* I am willing to have sex at any point during the night. It had led to being woken up (gently) for sex.
But if I have all my clothes on then I don't want or can't have sex that night.
So, we sort of have free use I guess? I mean, we’ve agreed from the start that we won’t reject each other unless there’s a “big reason” for example; being sick, being exhausted, not in the right emotional state, etc.
That being said, I can count on one hand the number of times that either of us has actually said no in the 8 years we’ve been together. But I think that comes from being able to read the room, so to say. Usually we know when the other isn’t in the mood for sexy time, so we wouldn’t even try to ask, would rather take care of whatever the other is needing at the time. More sleep? Hot tea? Cuddles? Space?
But outside of that, if one of us initiated, the other is game enthusiastically.
I will say, your post history is extensive and I can see there’s a few things you’re unhappy about in your marriage not just this. I recommend couples therapy. You’ve been married 20 years, you guys have to put in work to keep it going another 20+.
I’m a free use kinda partner lol. I don’t mind even if you’re feeling horny and I’m sleeping, you can wake me up with some fuck. But like this is already talked about and what not. And there’s boundaries with that too. Like if it’s that time of the month- it’s a no go. Or if I wake up and I’m like nah, maybe but that’s like 1 in 10 occurrence. Usually I’m all for it. Some people are into that, some people are not.
Unless I’m having a misunderstanding of free use. It’s deff not being pressured or forced into sex.
We don’t call it an agreement necessarily, but my husband knows that he can have sex with me whenever he wants. I’m very communicative about it, I love the sense of submission it brings and he enjoys the dominance.
Late to the party but yes... I'm 100% free use at home, with my husband and whomever he chooses to bring over.
I love it and wouldn't ever change our paradigm.
My husband is the same as you. Up for whatever, whenever. My deal is, if I'm not up for sex I am always up for giving oral lol. As long as the kids are occupied or not home, I am good to go whenever I am free lol.
I heard someone call this maintenance sex ! Doesn’t necessarily mean it has to be penetrative but it keeps the spark going . Or so folks say, I’m just starting to implement it into mine
No, we don't have an agreement like this. Men would typically be open to this because sex is usually how we bond to our wife. Women are emotional and want to be at a level of emotional intimacy before they are ready. If you want her to be more open to you, try to maintain a light flirty banter along with casual touches throughout the week.
Your end sentence is the exact reason why she doesn't take you up on your offer. You aren't doing any of this for her benefits... you're doing it so YOU can ask for sexual favors anytime.
"Free use" doesn't quite fit the wording lol, but it's definitely close for us. We've been together for 14 years and have been married for almost 11 years, with 4 kids. I feel like we have an unofficial 80/20 free use arrangement, lol. There's never any coercion involved, and we respect that no means no. That being said, about 80% of the time, we are down to please the other person even if we're not totally "feeling it" yet. Honestly, 98%+ of the time, we're both into it once we've started things. Touch and sex are important for both of us, so this personally works for us. I can see where it may not work for others, particularly in unhealthy relationships, though.
This sounds very clinical and mechanical. Almost like you two are vending machines 😂🥹🙃To each their own! /// in our house we just subtly approach things like this and become aware if the situations can present themself appropriately 🥳🤪😇
I’m the husband of this user, but my wife and I are very sexually active and nobody even has to ask. Which ever one of us is feeling a little frisky (almost always) the other is ALWAYS on board. Seems like your motives are impure. The whole point of being in love is giving of yourself and expecting nothing in return. I sometimes feel bad when she’s done the deed on me and I can’t return the favor because of kids, or other life reasons. But she is satisfied because I’m satisfied and visa versa
It’s the last sentence of your post that makes this dynamic problematic.
You made this offer because **you** enjoy dropping everything at any given time to pleasure your spouse. Because you enjoy making her feel good, without needing anything in return…. yet you’re disappointed that there’s not reciprocity?
Sounds like a breeding ground for resentment to me.
That's not what "free use" *typically* means. If that's what it means in your marriage, cool. But it *typically* means that you can "take" your partner at anytime and they "can't" say no. "Take" and "can't" are in quotes because they can have different meanings and limits within the comfort zones of the partners. So just be aware of what "free use" *typically* means in case you mention it to anybody and you get a certain type of response.
We have a free to touch anytime understanding. I can touch wherever and whenever I want so long as it’s not in public or where our kid might accidentally see. We don’t normally have free time with a toddler running around so we allow this as a form of physical foreplay and fun.
If our kid wasn’t a crackhead and didn’t have infinite energy we’d be able to have more sex than just touching 😂
Not everyone has the same libido so to just expect your partner to be hot and ready for you anytime of the day is extremely selfish and honestly coming from an uneducated place. Also bordering the lines of consent. If she had this "standing offer" with you and you approached her but she decided in that moment she wasn't feeling it, what would you do?
I know that my husband likes getting me off but I don't have much of a libido. Our "standing agreement" is most nights I give him a blowjob. It doesn't bother me to take those 10-15 minutes for him. But me? I don't feel the need or desire for reciprocation much at all. And if I don't feel up to it - he doesn't push me and respects my feelings.
I don’t think that’s really what for uses. When somebody wants sex and they asked for it that sounds like the normal way. It’s done in most relationships.
30 years together and no such agreement was made. It just happens to be this way. Whenever I tell her what I want to do to her, she replies you can have me any way I want. She gives me heads up on how many days left till her period and she’s out of commission. I never been rejected or turned down. I never experienced anything other than free respectful use and no agreement about it.
Since libido levels typically aren’t matched, at least according to relationship therapists, I can see how that would be difficult for some couples. My husband could probably ask me whenever and I’d say yes at this point because he has 0 sex drive and I’ll take whatever I can get. I’d do the same for him if he was interested.
Definitely not my thing. In my twenties I was way more in to the concept because I felt hugely driven by sexual impulse and wanted it constantly.
I'm in my thirties now, my husband is in his forties. We both work full time and have a teenaged daughter. Other things frequently occupy our minds, we're tired at the end of the day, we aren't interested in that.
There's nothing wrong with it, given that both parties consent to it. It sounds like a lot of fun, I just personally couldn't do it any more.
Well, they are one way. I ask, she is free to say no. She asks, and I never say no. At least I haven’t yet. So I guess it’s a free use situation from her pov.
Isn’t that already how relationships work? If you’re in the mood you ask for it?
Bc free use means they can just come up and start doing sexual things with you no matter what you’re doing ???
First of all isn't sex is integral part of married life? then why this question explicitly designate it as a privileged act? Why should be sex, a privileged act to receive as a favor? it must be treated as a integral human part. What is this "free use"? before reading answer i felt free use is something similar to "open relationship" where it means we are used by others for free in return of sexual favour outside marriage.
They’ve done studies on women who have maintenance sex (I.e. sex when they don’t necessarily want it, but want to make their husbands happy) and the rate of vaginal issues as they age is increased in comparison to women who do not. It is on par with women who have had sexual abuse. But yknow, to each their own.
No wonder the dead bedrooms sub is so explosive. Yall want both you and your partner to be 100% in the mood before sex? If one partner is and one isn't, it's just no? You guys want a whole 10 page contract signed and notarized.
Sometimes I'm not in the mood but it is awfully easy for my wife to get me there and I know that.
Our marriage license is our consent. We don't have a "free use" agreement, but we never turn each other down. If my wife is horny she let's me know and we go. Same for me.
A married person should NEVER go without having their needs met by their spouse. You are supposed to love and care for each other and SOMETIMES it's not all about you. Sometimes you want to make your spouse happy and that is fulfilling.
We do - to the point that I told my husband he could wake me up with sex anytime, but he’s never done it! I think he feels too bad to do that but I find it hot.
I’m also confused about this being touted as specifically a porn thing - I don’t watch it and I brought this dynamic up to my husband because I like the idea of it. We don’t have sexual issues in our relationship and I’m always down (unless I’m sick or very busy) because he makes it good for me too.
I don't know that we have any sort of "agreement" per se, but I haven't ever denied my husband anything. If I'm in the mood for it, but he isn't, then he'll offer to satisfy me another way. I usually decline as I prefer mutual gratification, but sometimes I'll accept his offer. It all depends, really.
This is a primarily vanilla sub, OP. Free use isn't going to be well understood here, as you can see. People can not wrap their heads around mutually consenting to sex any time, anywhere.
People will just insinuate that you're attempting to coerce or pressure your partner, or vice versa. It doesn't sound like you have a truly free use dynamic though, just that you are eager to please and usually down to have sex or give sexual favors.
We call it ongoing consent in our relationship. My spouse has my ongoing consent for sex until I revoke it.
This means I consent to him waking me up with sex and he has consent to touch without having to ask.
It’s also reciprocal and I have his ongoing consent for access to his body unless he declines or revokes that.
We can both always ask, and both listen to each other about if now works or not. Usually if not working then we make future plans that we both look forward to - next morning instead of tonight, over lunch tomorrow instead of now, then we follow through.
But neither of us wants to push someone who is feeling sick or exhausted. That’s when we cuddle or take care of the other partner in other intimate ways that aren’t sex, like a massage.
If my husband helped more with our kid, household chores etc. I'd definitely give him what he wants, whenever. Because I'd probably be in a better mood and have more free time for things like that. Sounds like a lovely arrangement in the ideal household/situation!
My wife has been taking an SSRI for 25 years. It instantly killed her sex drive. We didn’t realize that the drug was the root of the problem (SSRIs were fairly new) so we fought about it a lot for a few years before figuring it out.
So we then agreed on “free use” and it has worked very well for us for 20 years. Importantly, most of the time I’m happy just knowing that I could have sex with my wife anytime even if I don’t pursue it. “Free use” has helped sustain our marriage.
I wouldn’t say it’s an agreement for me and my fiancé, but this is sorta how we operate. We both obviously are free to say no at any time, it just doesn’t happen that frequently lol.
I also understand that this is not an arrangement that works for everybody. Do what works for you and let others do the same!
No we don’t have a “free use agreement”. We’re married, it kind of comes with the territory. Of course a spouse should be able to ask for intimacy or just initiate it. We hug, kiss, grab ass whenever we want because we love each other and we’re married. Having some kind of formal agreement is bonkers.
Interesting. I suppose my partner (45f) and I (55m) have a tacit “free use” agreement. I mean that we talk about sex probably every day, easily every week. We have sex sometimes more than usual, sometimes not. Sometimes she’s in the mood, sometimes I’m not. We’ve been together ten years. I would like her to initiate more, she would like me to go down on her more. I know some people may get grossed out by what I just said because of our age but we’re just as entitled to let our freak flags fly as everyone else. We work on it together. It’s comforting to know that we can be open about it and find tons of humor in it.
I shared this post with her and we talked about it. We understand that a lot of people don’t feel the same way as we do. What we don’t understand is why so many people feel like they can judge other people and feel like they have the right to enforce their ideals upon people they don’t know and probably wouldn’t like if they did know.
What is this hang up regarding sexuality?
We do, an actual free use agreement as part of a bdsm dynamic we share.
I don’t mean to be harsh but the fantasy of someone just “offering up” a fetish you have without discussion and agreement is unrealistic.
We have a free use agreement- but it only exists because we had extensive discussions prior. “Real” free use where you can do anything you want whenever you want isn’t real. It’s overblown porn stuff.
Nope. I've been sexually assaulted by a previous spouse, and I know how shitty it feels when you are being coerced into that kind of arrangement.
Part of the reason why I love my husband is because he always makes sure I'm OK with whatever we want to do - I feel very nurtured and protected by him. And because he respects me and cares for me so much, he pretty much gets it whenever he wants. I can't get enough of that man.
I feel like this would be incredibly hot just.. not always welcome. Like if I’m doing laundry or just laying on the couch and my husband just comes to ravage me, I wouldn’t mind. Just not while I’m cooking. Ain’t nobody trying to get burned lol.
I’ve started masturbated less frequently because I just prefer to have sex with him. I feel like when I masturbate I miss out on connecting emotionally and physically with him. But to each is own.
We’ve never called it that but absolutely. We are both pretty HL and sometimes if one of us is immersed in a project or activity we simply are not thinking about it. Other partner brings it up and we’re both on track and ready to go. Might take some quick adjustments like finishing a Zoom call or turning off the stove but…
A lot of these comments are very judgemental. If free use agreements aren't for you and yours, so be it. It isn't about "acting out porn tropes" or being one sided. Some couples are more vocal and communicative and kinky than others and that is okay. OP, you do you as long as it works for you.
Lots of judgement here. Most of my partners we have never had issues with sex. When one of us wanted it....we had sex. To be honest, it seems far less transactional as some are stating if you embrace the free use, because it results in much more spontaneous sex. You know what seems transactional? Only have sex at set times such as when they are both feeling prime, or after a date night, etc. What happened to being spontaneous?
Free use is just the opposite of what I call space shuttle launch sex where the stars have to line up for sex to happen.
Lmfao space shuttle launch sex, but really that's basically what it is
Some set times work for some people —not only or exclusively set up ahead of time Spontaneous sex is great—trying to be open to your partner most of the time is great but being able to say no not now, not today—is paramount. Hopefully it isn’t said often
I mean, most of the people in this sub treat their spouse like they're enemies in a competition. Activities like snooping on each other's phones and devices are common. They think porn is cheating and want to control every aspect of their partner based on their own insecurities. Do you really think this is a great place for an open chat about kink?
An awful lot of them also just seem to hate sex which I blame on the abysmal and toxic sex negative education in the US. Combined with the fact that people are more and more becoming absolutists and refusing to understand nuance. Is consent important? Yes. Does marital rape happen? Yes. But not every conversation around healthy sex in a marriage is about abusive ones. Healthy adults are perfectly capable of operating under implied consent rules. I can absolutely initiate sex or freely touch my spouse and be capable of respecting his no if he’s really just not in the mood for whatever reason. Same goes for him. Respecting boundaries has never been an issue. But this sub doesn’t really encourage people to talk about their healthy marriages. You get downvoted to hell and back simply for having a relationship style someone else wouldn’t want to be in. Like I would hard pass on being in traditional gender roles. That’s not for me but I’m not going to tell other people they are wrong for having them if that is what makes them happy/is the life they want. Different is ok.
OMG this. The "if it's not a hell yes, it's a hell no" has it's heart in the right place, but... I don't think I've been a "hell yes!" with my husband for years, and we bone three or four times a week. I'm a responsive desire type person, so when my husband initiates, my internal dialog is "this again?" When I initiate, my internal dialog is "I'd rather be watching netflix." The hell yes emerges 10 minutes into things. Unless it's a quickie, in which sometimes I just do it for him.
Are you me? 😂 The only time I’m hell yes these days is when I’m having a crazy menopause induced hormonal surge. Otherwise, it’s a warm yes because I know he’s going to make sure I’m having a good time and 10 min after we get going I’m in the mood to rock his world too.
Twins!
Literally. I’m about to unfollow because of this. It has me thinking something is wrong with me because I value my privacy and don’t want to divorce my spouse for having the absolute nerve to find another women besides me attractive.
My sister’s best advice to me was it doesn’t matter where they get their appetite as long as they eat at home.
Be careful saying that around this sub 👀
I don't know why I stay. To be a voice of reason? I dunno but a few days ago someone basically invalidated my own marriage by saying that without god, a marriage is pointless.
That is the dumbest thing I’ve heard. Godly marriages have the worst divorce rates. Do not let anyone invalidate your marriage.
Lol i love it yeah i lilurk here im married and i think its hilarious how 95% of posts its always ridiculous over the top posts that is clealy embelished or made up or every1 is like DIVORCE.....no dont work through your problems DIVORCE.
Hey I’ve gotten told that without having kids my marriage is pointless
There are some incredibly insecure women on here. They blame their husband for “making them” feel that way but they were broken before they met him. Men are very visual. They look at women all the time. It doesn’t mean they don’t love their wives.
The weirdest thing to me is so many people have issues with their spouse masturbating ESPECIALLY if it's near them or in the same room. Idk I couldn't imagine being with someone and being grossed out when they take care of themselves after I've turned them down. It's just as natural as sex. There was one post where the guy could never masturbate in his room because the girl liked to lounge around in bed all morning, he was required to go to the guest bedroom to masturbate if he was horny in the morning. His damn room too! He pays half the bills! At least get up half the mornings and leave him to the bedroom for once why is she the only one allowed to be comfortable in THEIR home
The weirdest thing to me is so many people have issues with their spouse masturbating ESPECIALLY if it's near them or in the same room. Idk I couldn't imagine being with someone and being grossed out when they take care of themselves after I've turned them down. It's just as natural as sex. There was one post where the guy could never masturbate in his room because the girl liked to lounge around in bed all morning, he was required to go to the guest bedroom to masturbate if he was horny in the morning. His damn room too! He pays half the bills! At least get up half the mornings and leave him to the bedroom for once why is she the only one allowed to be comfortable in THEIR home
100% … all of this
>OP, you do you as long as it works for you. Yes, and his wife should do what works for her. I hope he understands that his offer works because at any given time he is usually up for sexual contact. Some people are, but some people are not. His wife presumably is not up for it.
>i just wish she'd make the same standing offer. That's the part that is important. What "works for him" doesn't seem to work for her. They aren't on the same page here (apparently.) If both were aligned, I'd see no issue.
What is disgusting about wishing that? What is wrong with feeling that way? It would be wrong if he trashed her not doing it. I think most of us have something about our spouse we wish we could change a little to meet our preferences better? It could be music or food taste or whatever? Why is it wrong because it’s sex? I never ever say no to sex or other things even when I don’t feel like it. If my husband wants me I’m his, and I also wish he would do the same. He has said no sometimes because sex doesn’t work for him that way, and that I 100% okay. But I would still wish he felt the same way, and he wish I would listen to the same music as him. I don’t see the problem.
That’s my husband, for a reason… like… lol
Even if it is about acting out porn tropes, if the couple consents, everyone else can stfu
Problem is it clearly doesn’t work for them. He’s complaining that his wife won’t give him unlimited access to her body. It’s disgusting.
That really isn’t what he said. She does ask for “favors” he is saying he wishes she would be willing to reciprocate if he asked her for favors which is perfect fair! Husband should not feel bad for asking for a bj or something else, wives should be happy to make their partner happy, in my opinion.
thanks for being the voice of reason. And yes, thats exactly what I was saying.
My wife gives me unlimited access to her body and it isn't disgusting.
It’s disgusting to complain about somebody not wanting to give unlimited access. It is disgusting that he’s complaining that his wife is allowed to say no to sex. The OP is obviously not in a consensual free use relationship.
I give my husband unlimited access to my body and it’s also not disgusting. The issue is OPs wife does not feel the same way we do. She does not want op near her.
He didn’t say she don’t want him near her, he said he wishes she would make the same standing offer as him. As in he he wants a bj she would do it. Just because she isn’t the same as him doesn’t mean something is wrong with her.
Exactly.. thanks for the sane reply.. ;)
Whenever I post anything too “sex positive” here I’ve gotten downvoted and jumped on. I think a lot of marriages aren’t in a healthy sex space and people just get judgy and pissed. Not the right sub I guess. OP- my husband can get it whenever he wants it and vice versa!
I’m not sure I understand the question. My husband can ask for sex whenever he wants. I can agree to it or turn it down. It works both ways. But most of the time we are usually on the same page anyway. We know each other quite well.
Free use is when a spouse basically can't say no. That if your spouse asks for sex, that you have to have it no matter your mood or what you're doing. It's more of a trope found in erotica than something people actually do, but some people do have an agreement within their marriage.
I've seen other people describe free use as being up for sex for whenever but they have code words or wear certain things to indicate that they're "up for it" vs not... Idk if that's the wrong way to describe free use
Free use usually means "you can't say no unless you safeword" if it's done right. But idk if this guy is that kinky.
I mean they can say no though.. so to me I don't get the difference lol. My husband and I can initiate whenever, and say no whenever.
Yeah, totes. What I'm saying is that "free use" can mean something different to everyone, and we don't know OP's exact interpretation of the term, it's not clear to me at least
Yeah it's def confusing. To me it almost sounds like a CNC roleplay
Yeah. And CNC roleplay, if that's more along the lines of what he wants, requires a HUGE amount of trust and is definitely not for everyone. It'd be unlikely that he's talking about that, but not impossible He needs to communicate with his spouse and figure out what each of them want sexually, and then go from there. Sober, non-horny conversation. Knowing these things about each other is intimate and exciting.
I was just referring to free use in general, not this specific case haha >He needs to communicate with his spouse and figure out what each of them want sexually, and then go from there. Sober, non-horny conversation. Knowing these things about each other is intimate and exciting. Agreed. To me, it sounds like OP is mad his wife isnt more horny.
So I was with a guy and agreed to this concept, I was super into the idea. Except the first time I actually said no he lost his mind on me. I was so scared he would leave me because he had manipulated me into believing I was worthless. I never said no again until I finally knew I was done. I had a lot of sex that I did not want to have, even when it resulted in physical issues for me. The second/last time I said no, I was also having a medical emergency and considered going to the hospital. He was mad I didn't give him "at least" a bj. Absolute scum. I will never, ever allow a man to have free access to my body. Sex is a two yes's situation for me from now on. It's not sexy for me at all anymore. People just have to be careful, I really did trust and love this man.
I think sex columnist Dan Savage called this being a "good, giving, and game." Where you up to try things, but not obligated.
It’s not that they CAN’T say no. It’s just means the answer is always YES UNLESS I SAY NO. Some people use a safe word, but the safe word just means no so… they can say no.
>Free use is when a spouse basically can't say no. It's not that they can't say no, it's that they've consented to sexual "use" of their bodies any time. There is a difference.
That is not what free use is, that’s fantasy. If someone tried to actually enforce it that way it would be abusive. You can always say no. Free use is a consensual dynamic, pre discussed and arranged, that MIMICS the appearance for fetish purposes of “sex whenever and wherever”. IRL though, there’s agreements already in place that limit behavior. Often, the “used” part wears an article of clothing or jewelry that indicates when the game is on, or the game is only on in certain places. Safe words are still used, etc.
> Free use is when a spouse basically can't say no. This is not entirely accurate. Most free use arrangements involve some kind of signal that you're into during that time period. A specific piece of clothing you wear, a piece of jewelry, some kind of object on the night stand or table. It's basically saying "i'm in the mood" without saying it. Some couples have a 24/7 free use arrangement but most don't. And of course, consent can be revoked at any time.
If that's what it means, then it's a bad idea. It should be de facto. I can't imagine "asking for sex." Since we are both grown-ups with lives, we do check in with each other about when is a good time for sex. We like to set the mood (both of us). We jokingly call listening to music and dancing around "foreplay." (It is). This can be for a couple of days. He tends to be more picky about time of day (he wants to go to sleep too early for me) and I really enjoying the anticipation of sex a couple of hours later. But there's no asking. He knows I will always say yes. It amounts to the same thing (he is never rejected).
"Free use" is a term used in the kink world. It is two adults consenting to sexual activity, or "use" of their bodies, any time and any where.
This ^^
Yeah this is how we are lol or I ask for it and he agrees most of the time but can still turn me down if he’s not feeling well or not up to it, whatever it may be
You say it’s for nothing in return but yet you’re asking her to return the favor… This is something you should see a therapist about bc sex isn’t quick for all women. Especially if she’s a mom, and working. I hear you saying YOUR need is to give random favors and YOU want them in return. What are HER needs? Probably help around the house honestly before sex. If you help her out more I bet she’ll have more time to meet your needs.
>Probably help around the house honestly before sex. Never change /r/marriage
It's called choreplay and believe me it works 🤣
You got downvoted but you’re right. It’s not about transaction, you do this and I’ll fuck you. It’s more like my husband says hey go take a bath I’ll clean up the kitchen and put the kids to bed. Gives me some free time to myself, plus I can pluck and shave or whatever if I want. It’s a lot easier to feel sexy when you’re not juggling a shit ton of balls while your partner sits around watching or whatever.
You’re turning this into something it’s not.
can we stop normalizing stereotyping woman doing all the housework? Should we also get her a vacuum or dishwashing soap for her birthday? Is stereotyping ok or not because it seems to be ok on one side of the street but not the other. From what i've gathered from previous threads across multiple sites, is that sometimes men do the share of the work and sometimes woman do the share of the work. Why the ultimate come to the rescue "do more chores" assuming that he isn't doing half / more than / most of the chores in the first place?
> can we stop normalizing stereotyping woman doing all the housework? > assuming that he isn't doing half / more than / most of the chores in the first place? I mean statistically women ARE doing the majority of household chores. Wives would love nothing more than to normalize equal sharing of chores with their husbands but it’s not the reality in the majority of households. This is a fact that is gradually changing thanks to advances in gender equality, as well as the increased presence of women in the workforce. (1) [Source](https://eige.europa.eu/publications-resources/toolkits-guides/gender-equality-index-2021-report/gender-differences-household-chores?language_content_entity=en#:~:text=Gender%20Equality%20Index%202021%3A%20Health&text=About%2091%20%25%20of%20women%20with,this%20figure%20is%201.6%20hours.) About 91% of women with children spend at least an hour per day on housework, compared with 30% of men with children. The latest available data shows that employed women spend about 2.3 hours daily on housework; for employed men, this figure is 1.6 hours. About 93 % of employed women regularly undertake unpaid housework (daily or several times a week), compared with 53 % of employed men (2) [Source](https://www.nsf.gov/discoveries/disc_images.jsp?cntn_id=111458) Based on a representative sample of all U.S. families, a recent study of housework trends revealed husbands create an extra seven hours a week of housework for wives, but wives save husbands from about an hour of housework a week. The amount of housework done by women has decreased since 1976, while the amount of housework done by men has doubled. In 1976, women did about 26 hours of housework a week; in 2005, they did about 16.5. Men did about six hours a week in 1976, and in 2005, they did about 12.5. (3) [Source](https://news.gallup.com/poll/283979/women-handle-main-household-tasks.aspx) Despite some changes over the past two decades, the division of labor in U.S. households remains largely tilted toward traditional stereotypes: Women are more likely than their husbands to take care of the house and children, and men remain the primary caretakers of the car and the yard. As working women and mothers continue to struggle for equal treatment at work, they are more likely than men to fulfill many core housekeeping tasks at home. Yet, there are some signs that women's roles, particularly those whose salaries match or exceed their husband's, are more equitable.
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“Porn tropes” 😪 says all we need to know about your attitude towards fun spontaneous sexual acts with one’s spouse. Enjoy your biscuits and conversation in front of the tv i guess. Hey everyone’s different 😂
Just because people don't engage in free use does not mean they are not spontaneous or vanilla.
and just because you don’t engage in it does not make it a “porn trope”
I don't watch much porn, so I cannot attest to how popular the free use theme is in them. If it's common, then doesn't that make it a trope by definition?
Common in some sub genres but it's not ubiquitous for the whole medium at large.
Anal is pretty common now in porn, does that make it solely a porn trope? No, it’s something people enjoyed long before the widespread availability of pornography
If you don’t dress your wife up like a schoolgirl and beat the shit out of her can you even say you have a sex life?
LMAO.
having kinks and an adventurous sex life is not “acting out porn tropes” but okay
Read ‘come as you are’ and understand why 99.99% of people don’t work like that.
No agreements, but I’ve recently found that waking my wife by going down on her just before leaving for work results in her wanting more sex. Not exactly free use because I started doing it just for fun in the weeks leading up to Valentine’s Day, as apposed to her initiating it. Turns out that it makes her crave sex more, so it’s a win-win.
I can concur that when *my* sexual needs are met I want more of it. When my husband was taking the time to satisfy me *before* he got off I was jumping him more often. But when he stopped and just made sure he got his and sex was over when he finished I really didn't crave sex.
>When my husband was taking the time to satisfy me *before* he got off I was jumping him more often. Totally get it. It's hot AF that your partner wants to see you enjoy it, so it's a bit of a cycle. You're hot for it, so you want it more often, and that helps.
Also sex for a woman when she’s not turned on/excited for it can just be painful. Make sure I’m happy before you literally try to invade my body.
Yep, that's the whole crux of the matter.
For years I’ve been making sure she has an orgasm before moving on to PIV. This is different in that it’s just me going down on her about 20 min before her alarm goes off then leaving for work, which I’m already dressed & ready for by then. That and the frequency. I did it every day for the three weeks before Valentine’s Day. I’ve continued to do it 3-4 days a week since then. Here’s something else interesting I’ve found doing this. It just has to do with the individual things that make different people tick sexually. While she rarely turns me down, my wife’s desire is primarily responsive, so she rarely initiates. About four years ago she made it known she wanted me to take on a more dominant and demanding role in the bedroom. Not full on BDSM, but assertive & even a little aggressive. It’s been interesting to balance that with & figure out how to incorporate it into my absolute love for pleasuring her because on the surface they seem to be opposites. But I’ve been figuring it out & learning to enjoy the blend. Figuring out dominating dirty talk that that doesn’t approach degradation was a challenge at first but I think I’ve figured it out pretty well. I don’t think I’d be comfortable degrading her even if it was something she wanted. Anyway, since I started waking her with oral, about every 3rd or 4th time, after her orgasm, I then do the very assertive thing, demanding she get on her knees and “suck my….” Even getting a little physical with pushing her down, etc. (though I put a thick folded blanket down first, don’t want her to be uncomfortable). Without fail, the days I’ve done that are the days she’s been initiating sex when I get home from work. She’s initiated sex more in the last four weeks than in the previous 9 months. The combination of prioritizing her pleasure (and often) while ticking this soft domination box seems to be the magic formula for us.
this restored my faith in marriage
This did something to me
I’ve found some of the marriages where a man is complaining on their wife not wanting it or being super engaging, he is also not allowing proper foreplay. It makes a huge difference. And that does not equal a boob squeeze and saying “wanna do it?” 😉
lol, foreplay isn’t over til I’m worried the kids might have heard her.
I’m glad that works for you, it’s a great anecdote, and you have a long marriage so seems like y’all are on the same page sexually. I just hope nobody takes this as advice unless they talk about it with their partner first. If my spouse woke me up by going down on me without me knowing it was going to happen or giving my consent, I would lose my shit.
Yes. Plenty of history & communication. She has my permission to wake me for sex anytime & I have her permission to wake her for sex within one hour of her alarm going off. Also, to quote her from 4 years ago during a discussion about our sexual dynamic, “I want you to do what you want with me and not ask permission.” It seems a pretty wide blanket statement, but I understand it within the context of many years of learning each other’s comfort zones & boundaries. I move slow enough she has time to process & speak up if needed & I know she doesn’t have issue with doing so. Not not the kind of thing I’d recommend saying to someone you don’t already have well established respect, trust, & boundaries with.
My god I would absolutely hate that lol. Glad it works for you guys though.
...I just wish she'd return the favor... Sounds like it's not *really* freely given.
Honestly I would be very offended if my spouse said this to me. Sex is not a throwaway activity, it means something to me. I would never make a standing offer like that because it is, to me, inherently disrespectful. I need my partner to care about where I am emotionally and physically, and a this type agreement feels transactional and impersonal.
The two can go together, if both people are romantic adults. We never go straight to sex. I can't even imagine that (how does that even work??) Instead, we have given permission to admire and compliment each other (including our sexual attributes), to look separately or individually at erotica, to talk about sex openly, to touch each other while doing other things around the house, to kiss (various kinds) whenever anyone wants to. If this all leads to the bedroom, we are both on board. Since we never have sex without some build-up and we both can prolong that phase (as we are adults), we don't have an issue of a "standing offer of sex." We have a standing situation of romantic engagement, which is the only way we get to sex. Sometimes one of us misjudges energy levels (or is particularly tired or not feeling well) so the romantic engagement phase just goes on into the next day. Our "standing offer" is for romantic-sexual engagement. He knows how I feel about his naked body (I enjoy half-nakedness as much as full nakedness) so he will come out of the shower and get dressed in the living room. Or he'll take his shirt off on his way to the laundry area (passing by me). I never get tired of looking. He likes being admired, too. He likes to give and get hugs, and I'll sneak my hand up his shirt. He likes this. None of this means we HAVE to have sex at any particular point in time - only that we're thinking about it and WILL have sex when the time is right.
I mean. He can bring it up.. or I can bring it up.. but my wants/needs do not override his current mood, and the same goes for me. The idea of having some kind of rule about this is pretty ick. If someone's NOT feeling the same vibe as you.. that's just weird to expect them to do what you want.
> He can bring it up.. or I can bring it up.. but my wants/needs do not override his current mood, and the same goes for me. Yep, I had the exact same reaction. Either person can initiate and see if the other wants sex too, and the answer is usually yes. But free use means having sex even when one person doesn't actually want sex and that disgusts me. If OP isn't asking for that, he's just referring to them both being on the same page about wanting tons of sex...and that isn't free use, it's just a normal horny couple.
Agree! Sorry but your spouse isn’t your free use sex slave and the op wording is uncomfortable to say the least!
No. Informed enthusiastic consent every time is a thing that should be normalized.
Free use and consent are not mutually exclusive. People can, and do, enthusiastically give consent to free use. Because it's not your cup of tea, doesn't mean it isn't for other people.
Surely "consent" doesn't need to involve words though? Because, if my husband is looking hot and I go put on something sexy, that's consent. For us it is. We both know this. We wouldn't have talked it about as much (as we did recently, while laughing) if it weren't for certain subreddits. It's been that way since the beginning of the relationship. We usually wish we could find time and energy for more sex, not less. If one person is in the mood, we're more than halfway there.
I've no idea why a comment like this gets down voted in a Marriage sub. Have these people been in long-term marriages?
No. For us, sex is consensual. If one of us isn't in the mood, it doesn't happen.
Free use doesn't mean lack of consent.
The poor lady probably regrets marrying a high school kid.
Kind of? We’ve never really discussed it, but I rarely turn him down. I just decided a long time ago to say yes instead of no. I enjoy sex, it’s really no hardship. He’s always been a generous lover. In the long run, it’s made our relationship stronger. As we’re aging, he’s the one turning me down these days. Enjoy it while you’re young, kids!
This sounds like me & my wife. She rarely turns me down. If she does it doesn’t feel like rejection because it’s not too common & she regularly expresses that she enjoys sex with me. It helps to be sensitive to cues as well. When her desire went from active to responsive after having kids I noticed less interest in sex so initiated less often. As the youngest got out of the toddler stage, she started showing more interest and I started initiating more often again. Apart from medical/illness reasons we’ve never dropped below once a week & have probably averaged three times a week over our 20 years. I think our 40’s have been the best sex we’ve ever had.
The two of you have forged some really strong bonds, I'm sure, as a result. Our situation is the same. Less than once a week is a signal we need to make more time (unless there's illness/medical reasons).
"I'll do it for nothing in return" "I wish she'd make the same offer" ...
We don't have any kind of agreement, but we are both free to initiate any time we want to, and we are both free to say yes or no any time we want to. Anything other than that is probably a sign of poor communication.
I think this is a horrible thing to agree on. What about the days you dont feel like having sex but you have made agreement (as you put it) so you have to. Its sick when you thinking about it. Sex should be a think you both fancy at the time. Sounds like you was hoping she would agree so you could take her saying no (when shes not in the mood) away Shes not offered it because its wired and sick
I think it's a great idea, but basic biology sometimes makes it not so great. Depending on what you ate that day, what your digestive system is doing, or has recently done, the last time you took a shower, etc. It's kind of better to be sensitive to what's going on with your partner at the moment.
My partner is allowed to attempt wake me up with foreplay in the morning or on actual weekend nights. With the understanding that I will either respond or tell him to knock it off. Because sometimes sleepy sex is fun... Other times it's not. Respecting that if I feel like my sleep is being interrupted it's not sexy is important. Other than that, we typically just shoot out shots and the other person is down or not. Like, I don't really understand, unless our kid is around is there a reason making an attempt isn't okay?
I’ve told her that anytime she wants I’m willing to satisfy her. I think it would be hot for her to “use” me like this. If she offered me the same I’d have to learn to take her up on it.
I (26F) have told my bf (26M) he has free use with me. He rarely takes me up on it. Wish he would though, but my sex drive is way higher than his.
Yes. My wife told me that I am free to use myself whenever I feel like it.
We have a free use, no limits agreement. For us it works beautifully. But, my husband is the most respectful, kind, supportive man I've ever known. If I had told my younger self about who we were going to marry one day, she never would have believed me. And that's why our agreement works. He knows when I'm sick, sad, overwhelmed, stressed and never in a million years would he partake in our agreement at those times. Without a considerate partner, something like this would never work. He loves me so damn well!! And that's what makes me want to give myself to him so freely.
We don’t have an agreement but we have open communication as to what each other would like
Same boat as you. My wife can ask for whatever, whenever, and I’ll most likely be down. Both because I enjoy pleasing her and because taking care of her needs/wants is part of my job as her husband. Same reason I always rub her feet and massage her back and stuff.
Ugh. No, if you mean an agreement where the person has to get sexual if the other person asks for it. Seems like a fun thing to try for a while, but it’s not really sustainable. I don’t like feeling used or like a user. Doing something sexual when the other person isn’t really into it, kills my desire. But beyond that, yeah, we ask each other or make a move and don’t put restrictions on that. If the other person isn’t into it, we let it go. I really can’t imagine respecting someone who would just get me off even though they weren’t really feeling sexual at that moment.
Not all the time. People have lives and emotions that don't revolve around sex. Wish you'd looo at her like she isn't a piece of meat
We don't have an agreement, but I am up for whatever pretty much whenever.
I'm surprised at the amount of people who think "free use" means there's no consent involved. FYI: Free use means you've talked about this previously and have already given enthusiastic consent, so your partner doesn't have to ask for permission again. For some of us, the idea that our partner can "use us" and take us whenever they want it's very hot, but it's a fantasy, and it only works cause there's a foundation of trust and consent that makes you feel safe enough to let yourself go and enjoy the fantasy. Obviously the point is for both partners to enjoy it. It's like any other sexual fantasy. It's definitely not for anyone cause not everyone will enjoy it, but just because you personally don't like the idea of it doesn't mean it's abusive or disrespectful. and OBVIOUSLY you can say no if you're not feeling in the mood at any time. It's just sex play, only if your partner is an abusive asshole will they force you to do something you don't feel like doing, and even then the issue clearly would be your partner, not the activity itself. Forcing someone to do something just because they had previously agreed to do it is NOT part of the fantasy. Just like not caring if your partner is actually feeling degraded and afraid during BDSM power play is not part of the game, quite the oposite.
My wife can have sex whenever she wants. I have the right to say no, I just don’t have the ability.
I’ve been happily married for 22 years and love a good game of free use! So much fun! We don’t do it as a lifestyle we make it into a game for short periods of time like 1-5 days. We have so much fun with it, I can’t tell you how many times I’d be folding laundry or doing dishes and he tells me to keep doing what I’m doing, so hot! Lol
No. If it happens it happens, if it doesn’t then it doesn’t. I’ve never rejected my husband.
Not really a policy but my wife will oblige me most of the time if I ask her if I can taste her for a minute. She will ask occasionally if she can blow me, and how do you turn that down.
We definitely don’t call it “free use” but yes we can and do ask for ~help whenever we want. We also have a playful and equitable relationship, so it’s not a situation of one of us being treated like a bangmaid. Neither of us cares if the other watches porn or masturbates, so it’s not about preventing that either. We just both like sex and sexual contact and we are both okay with a variety of ways to initiate, and just because one of us doesn’t feel like having an O doesn’t mean we won’t have fun giving one. There’s no obligation, and what works for us doesn’t need to work for others. Some of the comments here are very judgmental.
Yeah. I mean obviously consent is there but sometimes I’m not feeling like doing the whole deal so I’ll just give him a blow job and sometimes he’s not feeling it but he will help me too. I think it’s a to each their own situation. I have you asked her if she’d be willing to reciprocate it sometimes ?
My wife and I do. Works for us
Free use has always in my mind implied they didn’t need to ask, like if one person is asleep they can just go for it. Which is a no for me. But we both are completely comfortable asking each other for whatever favor, sexual or not.
We haven’t named it or specifically discussed it, but yes my husband and I have an unwritten understanding along these lines.
> are okay with/have agreements with their spouse that they can ask for sex/sexual favors anytime? "ASK" is the keyword here. Of course we do that. Don't other couples do that? What are you on, scheduled sex sessions? Or am I misunderstanding something here?
Did odd. I just initiate sex. You dont need to ask or play games
I can ask for anything but doesn’t mean it will happen Lol so not sure if this is “free use”.
We pretty much have an unspoken one-way agreement since his drive his higher… he’s ready at all times, so whenever I am, I can have it. It’s not so much for him though just cause that’s not how my sexuality works.
Thanks for the reply.
My husband says the same thing as you OP but I can't take him up on the offer because it's not fair. I would feel so guilty if I wasn't returning the favor, except I've done things for him and expected nothing in return. I just can't for myself.
I wish we had. I would love to eat her out at anytime.
I had a standing order that if I go to bed *naked* I am willing to have sex at any point during the night. It had led to being woken up (gently) for sex. But if I have all my clothes on then I don't want or can't have sex that night.
Not really but we're both very sexual people. I do please him way, way more than he does me.
No, we do not. I can't think of the last time one of us turned the other down, but if he proposed free use, I would be out. I have some self respect.
So, we sort of have free use I guess? I mean, we’ve agreed from the start that we won’t reject each other unless there’s a “big reason” for example; being sick, being exhausted, not in the right emotional state, etc. That being said, I can count on one hand the number of times that either of us has actually said no in the 8 years we’ve been together. But I think that comes from being able to read the room, so to say. Usually we know when the other isn’t in the mood for sexy time, so we wouldn’t even try to ask, would rather take care of whatever the other is needing at the time. More sleep? Hot tea? Cuddles? Space? But outside of that, if one of us initiated, the other is game enthusiastically. I will say, your post history is extensive and I can see there’s a few things you’re unhappy about in your marriage not just this. I recommend couples therapy. You’ve been married 20 years, you guys have to put in work to keep it going another 20+.
I’m a free use kinda partner lol. I don’t mind even if you’re feeling horny and I’m sleeping, you can wake me up with some fuck. But like this is already talked about and what not. And there’s boundaries with that too. Like if it’s that time of the month- it’s a no go. Or if I wake up and I’m like nah, maybe but that’s like 1 in 10 occurrence. Usually I’m all for it. Some people are into that, some people are not. Unless I’m having a misunderstanding of free use. It’s deff not being pressured or forced into sex.
We don’t call it an agreement necessarily, but my husband knows that he can have sex with me whenever he wants. I’m very communicative about it, I love the sense of submission it brings and he enjoys the dominance.
Late to the party but yes... I'm 100% free use at home, with my husband and whomever he chooses to bring over. I love it and wouldn't ever change our paradigm.
Yes, my husband can screw me when I am sleeping if he wants to idc.
My husband is the same as you. Up for whatever, whenever. My deal is, if I'm not up for sex I am always up for giving oral lol. As long as the kids are occupied or not home, I am good to go whenever I am free lol.
Thanks for the reply!
I heard someone call this maintenance sex ! Doesn’t necessarily mean it has to be penetrative but it keeps the spark going . Or so folks say, I’m just starting to implement it into mine
My husband and I do! That said we are pretty kinky :)
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Maybe try a date night or actually seducing her.
I don’t even have to ask — wife says just take her whenever I want
Yes we do. I touch him whenever I want and he's free to touch me/do whatever to me whenever he wants.
No, we don't have an agreement like this. Men would typically be open to this because sex is usually how we bond to our wife. Women are emotional and want to be at a level of emotional intimacy before they are ready. If you want her to be more open to you, try to maintain a light flirty banter along with casual touches throughout the week.
Not just no, but HELL NO!!!
Your end sentence is the exact reason why she doesn't take you up on your offer. You aren't doing any of this for her benefits... you're doing it so YOU can ask for sexual favors anytime.
"Free use" doesn't quite fit the wording lol, but it's definitely close for us. We've been together for 14 years and have been married for almost 11 years, with 4 kids. I feel like we have an unofficial 80/20 free use arrangement, lol. There's never any coercion involved, and we respect that no means no. That being said, about 80% of the time, we are down to please the other person even if we're not totally "feeling it" yet. Honestly, 98%+ of the time, we're both into it once we've started things. Touch and sex are important for both of us, so this personally works for us. I can see where it may not work for others, particularly in unhealthy relationships, though.
This sounds very clinical and mechanical. Almost like you two are vending machines 😂🥹🙃To each their own! /// in our house we just subtly approach things like this and become aware if the situations can present themself appropriately 🥳🤪😇
Right? It’s transactional sex. “Hey remember when I freely gave you my services? Now I expect you to do it in return”. Unhealthy
I’m the husband of this user, but my wife and I are very sexually active and nobody even has to ask. Which ever one of us is feeling a little frisky (almost always) the other is ALWAYS on board. Seems like your motives are impure. The whole point of being in love is giving of yourself and expecting nothing in return. I sometimes feel bad when she’s done the deed on me and I can’t return the favor because of kids, or other life reasons. But she is satisfied because I’m satisfied and visa versa
It’s the last sentence of your post that makes this dynamic problematic. You made this offer because **you** enjoy dropping everything at any given time to pleasure your spouse. Because you enjoy making her feel good, without needing anything in return…. yet you’re disappointed that there’s not reciprocity? Sounds like a breeding ground for resentment to me.
That's not what "free use" *typically* means. If that's what it means in your marriage, cool. But it *typically* means that you can "take" your partner at anytime and they "can't" say no. "Take" and "can't" are in quotes because they can have different meanings and limits within the comfort zones of the partners. So just be aware of what "free use" *typically* means in case you mention it to anybody and you get a certain type of response.
We have a free to touch anytime understanding. I can touch wherever and whenever I want so long as it’s not in public or where our kid might accidentally see. We don’t normally have free time with a toddler running around so we allow this as a form of physical foreplay and fun. If our kid wasn’t a crackhead and didn’t have infinite energy we’d be able to have more sex than just touching 😂
News flash women won’t make the same offer
Not everyone has the same libido so to just expect your partner to be hot and ready for you anytime of the day is extremely selfish and honestly coming from an uneducated place. Also bordering the lines of consent. If she had this "standing offer" with you and you approached her but she decided in that moment she wasn't feeling it, what would you do? I know that my husband likes getting me off but I don't have much of a libido. Our "standing agreement" is most nights I give him a blowjob. It doesn't bother me to take those 10-15 minutes for him. But me? I don't feel the need or desire for reciprocation much at all. And if I don't feel up to it - he doesn't push me and respects my feelings.
Not really sure what you mean...But if I want sex or a blowjob all I need to do is ask and its a yes 9 times out of 10.
Absolutely not, although I do understand that some women get off on that kind of dynamic.
Oh my husband and I have that. If one of us wants it we drop what we are doing and go PLAY 😈
I don’t think that’s really what for uses. When somebody wants sex and they asked for it that sounds like the normal way. It’s done in most relationships.
30 years together and no such agreement was made. It just happens to be this way. Whenever I tell her what I want to do to her, she replies you can have me any way I want. She gives me heads up on how many days left till her period and she’s out of commission. I never been rejected or turned down. I never experienced anything other than free respectful use and no agreement about it.
Nah fam. Sounds nice though.
Since libido levels typically aren’t matched, at least according to relationship therapists, I can see how that would be difficult for some couples. My husband could probably ask me whenever and I’d say yes at this point because he has 0 sex drive and I’ll take whatever I can get. I’d do the same for him if he was interested.
Definitely not my thing. In my twenties I was way more in to the concept because I felt hugely driven by sexual impulse and wanted it constantly. I'm in my thirties now, my husband is in his forties. We both work full time and have a teenaged daughter. Other things frequently occupy our minds, we're tired at the end of the day, we aren't interested in that. There's nothing wrong with it, given that both parties consent to it. It sounds like a lot of fun, I just personally couldn't do it any more.
Well, they are one way. I ask, she is free to say no. She asks, and I never say no. At least I haven’t yet. So I guess it’s a free use situation from her pov.
Weird
Nope. If we are both in the mood, it's a go. If one of us isn't, it just isn't happening.
We have have it within reason. I definitely use it more than she does. So.etimes even in my sleep.
No. We communicate and don’t put things out there like “whenever you feel like it”.
We've been together for 16 years and I think our "free use" policy has kept us both happy.
Isn’t that already how relationships work? If you’re in the mood you ask for it? Bc free use means they can just come up and start doing sexual things with you no matter what you’re doing ???
You love making her orgasm, so that is something in return ;)
All right that one down from the next life I'll do it right that time
First of all isn't sex is integral part of married life? then why this question explicitly designate it as a privileged act? Why should be sex, a privileged act to receive as a favor? it must be treated as a integral human part. What is this "free use"? before reading answer i felt free use is something similar to "open relationship" where it means we are used by others for free in return of sexual favour outside marriage.
They’ve done studies on women who have maintenance sex (I.e. sex when they don’t necessarily want it, but want to make their husbands happy) and the rate of vaginal issues as they age is increased in comparison to women who do not. It is on par with women who have had sexual abuse. But yknow, to each their own.
No wonder the dead bedrooms sub is so explosive. Yall want both you and your partner to be 100% in the mood before sex? If one partner is and one isn't, it's just no? You guys want a whole 10 page contract signed and notarized. Sometimes I'm not in the mood but it is awfully easy for my wife to get me there and I know that. Our marriage license is our consent. We don't have a "free use" agreement, but we never turn each other down. If my wife is horny she let's me know and we go. Same for me. A married person should NEVER go without having their needs met by their spouse. You are supposed to love and care for each other and SOMETIMES it's not all about you. Sometimes you want to make your spouse happy and that is fulfilling.
Not us. When one of us wants to have sex we ask each other and if the other person doesn’t feel like it then we do it next time.
We do - to the point that I told my husband he could wake me up with sex anytime, but he’s never done it! I think he feels too bad to do that but I find it hot. I’m also confused about this being touted as specifically a porn thing - I don’t watch it and I brought this dynamic up to my husband because I like the idea of it. We don’t have sexual issues in our relationship and I’m always down (unless I’m sick or very busy) because he makes it good for me too.
I don't know that we have any sort of "agreement" per se, but I haven't ever denied my husband anything. If I'm in the mood for it, but he isn't, then he'll offer to satisfy me another way. I usually decline as I prefer mutual gratification, but sometimes I'll accept his offer. It all depends, really.
This is a primarily vanilla sub, OP. Free use isn't going to be well understood here, as you can see. People can not wrap their heads around mutually consenting to sex any time, anywhere. People will just insinuate that you're attempting to coerce or pressure your partner, or vice versa. It doesn't sound like you have a truly free use dynamic though, just that you are eager to please and usually down to have sex or give sexual favors.
We call it ongoing consent in our relationship. My spouse has my ongoing consent for sex until I revoke it. This means I consent to him waking me up with sex and he has consent to touch without having to ask. It’s also reciprocal and I have his ongoing consent for access to his body unless he declines or revokes that.
Not for us. We believe sex is a mutual or nothing arrangement. Neither of us does anything sexual if we aren’t 100% in the mood for it
We can both always ask, and both listen to each other about if now works or not. Usually if not working then we make future plans that we both look forward to - next morning instead of tonight, over lunch tomorrow instead of now, then we follow through. But neither of us wants to push someone who is feeling sick or exhausted. That’s when we cuddle or take care of the other partner in other intimate ways that aren’t sex, like a massage.
If my husband helped more with our kid, household chores etc. I'd definitely give him what he wants, whenever. Because I'd probably be in a better mood and have more free time for things like that. Sounds like a lovely arrangement in the ideal household/situation!
My wife has been taking an SSRI for 25 years. It instantly killed her sex drive. We didn’t realize that the drug was the root of the problem (SSRIs were fairly new) so we fought about it a lot for a few years before figuring it out. So we then agreed on “free use” and it has worked very well for us for 20 years. Importantly, most of the time I’m happy just knowing that I could have sex with my wife anytime even if I don’t pursue it. “Free use” has helped sustain our marriage.
Then communicate it to her that you “wish she’d make the same standing offer”. Communicate!
I wouldn’t say it’s an agreement for me and my fiancé, but this is sorta how we operate. We both obviously are free to say no at any time, it just doesn’t happen that frequently lol. I also understand that this is not an arrangement that works for everybody. Do what works for you and let others do the same!
No we don’t have a “free use agreement”. We’re married, it kind of comes with the territory. Of course a spouse should be able to ask for intimacy or just initiate it. We hug, kiss, grab ass whenever we want because we love each other and we’re married. Having some kind of formal agreement is bonkers.
Interesting. I suppose my partner (45f) and I (55m) have a tacit “free use” agreement. I mean that we talk about sex probably every day, easily every week. We have sex sometimes more than usual, sometimes not. Sometimes she’s in the mood, sometimes I’m not. We’ve been together ten years. I would like her to initiate more, she would like me to go down on her more. I know some people may get grossed out by what I just said because of our age but we’re just as entitled to let our freak flags fly as everyone else. We work on it together. It’s comforting to know that we can be open about it and find tons of humor in it. I shared this post with her and we talked about it. We understand that a lot of people don’t feel the same way as we do. What we don’t understand is why so many people feel like they can judge other people and feel like they have the right to enforce their ideals upon people they don’t know and probably wouldn’t like if they did know. What is this hang up regarding sexuality?
We do, an actual free use agreement as part of a bdsm dynamic we share. I don’t mean to be harsh but the fantasy of someone just “offering up” a fetish you have without discussion and agreement is unrealistic. We have a free use agreement- but it only exists because we had extensive discussions prior. “Real” free use where you can do anything you want whenever you want isn’t real. It’s overblown porn stuff.
Nope. I've been sexually assaulted by a previous spouse, and I know how shitty it feels when you are being coerced into that kind of arrangement. Part of the reason why I love my husband is because he always makes sure I'm OK with whatever we want to do - I feel very nurtured and protected by him. And because he respects me and cares for me so much, he pretty much gets it whenever he wants. I can't get enough of that man.
If "free use" isn't the right terminology, then what is? This isn't anything new? You should already know what things are off-limits with your spouse?
I feel like this would be incredibly hot just.. not always welcome. Like if I’m doing laundry or just laying on the couch and my husband just comes to ravage me, I wouldn’t mind. Just not while I’m cooking. Ain’t nobody trying to get burned lol. I’ve started masturbated less frequently because I just prefer to have sex with him. I feel like when I masturbate I miss out on connecting emotionally and physically with him. But to each is own.
We’ve never called it that but absolutely. We are both pretty HL and sometimes if one of us is immersed in a project or activity we simply are not thinking about it. Other partner brings it up and we’re both on track and ready to go. Might take some quick adjustments like finishing a Zoom call or turning off the stove but…