Girlfriend works in childcare, I work in retail. Sometimes I forget I shouldn’t sing potty songs (that she has taught the kids) in the public restrooms at work.
At home is a different story.
When I swallowed that dime bag to make sure the cops didn’t find it, I never imagined I’d be fishing it out in Burger King. Anyone got a pair of gloves?
Quick story about something that happened to me. I was at the urinal in the gym. I hear someone walk up next to me and say "hey there, big boy." I just say "huh?" He says "I wasn't talking to you."
So, probably that.
I want you to understand something Jerry. I don't like people knowing about me, in fact I don't like it when ANYONE knows about me. So you can take that paper of yours and wipe off your dick with it! You made me mad Jerry... now I'm gunna have to do something to work it off...
Man: "Guy in the stall next to me, is it cold in here?"
Other guy: "Uhhhhh... Yeah. A little."
Wife: "Yeah. It is cold. I was right. That's why your thing is small."
Man: "BS. This is normal length."
Wife: "It is not. I've seen bigger."
Other guy: "What's happening in there? If you're on speakerphone, It's kinda annoying."
Man: "I'm not. It's none of your buisiness."
Other guy: "Ok. Geez."
Wife: "Whatever. Let's just do it. If you don't like the sound of two people goin at it in a rest stop bathroom, I'd suggest you hurry up and leave."
Other guy: "Well, I hope that burrito passes through me quickly. Wait. Why not do it in your truck?"
Man: "Can't risk it getting dirty. I'm loaning it at the moment while my main truck is in the shop."
Wife: "Shut up and let's do it."
Other guy: "Well, I got a story to tell the guys at the bar tomorrow..."
Hello Commuter on your way to work
Im going to call yours, Captain Birds Eye
Because it looks like its wearing a turtleneck and winking at me
Youre welcome, i just named your penis.
*loud screaming followed by explosive, extended bowel movement*
"Oh, God! I...I'm pretty sure I lost 20 pounds in there! Hey, bud, could you look up the number for Guinness Records? I'll guard this while they come. Just don't light a match or I'm pretty sure we'll die."
“It’s a little chunky and you can tell the corn is second hand, but mama always taught me waste not, want not.” *slurping and metal against ceramic noises*
I was in a train station restroom once and this dude pulled up to the urinal next to me, let out the biggest sigh of relief then looked over at me, leaned in and said "It feels real good,don't it lad?".
So your in the bathroom stall doing your business next time someone knocks on the door don't say occupied or busy just say come in and watch as they stand there comprehending what you just said in confusion
"WHO DOES NUMBER 2 WORK FOR?!!?"
"You show'm who's boss!"
"Grab ahold of something, bite your lip and give it hell. We're gonna get through this."
Seriously one of my favorite movie quotes of all time
How about a courtesy flush there buddy?
That would be telling.
"What do you desire?" "Number 1." "I'll take you."
I've actually said this. Usually to laughter. Funniest scene in that movie.
What movie?
Austin Powers. 90% sure it's the first one.
Yep. First one. It's a scene with Tom Arnold.
That scene is so stupid and so glorious...
Source?
One of the Austin Powers movies, it's been so long that I forget which one. I bet there's a clip somewhere if you searched for it
And that one would be: Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery.
Dang.... I was hoping there was a The Prisoner movie somewhere. That miniseries just did NOT scratch that itch.
You're right, a remake of the Prisoner with modern production values would be amazing.
There was a remake in 2009. It was not good.
What's The Prisoner?
It's an old show about what happens to secret agents when they retire. It's trippy as hell, and really iconic.
'Aw man, I left my shitting pants at home!'
"It's okay. You can borrow mine."
“You brought your brown pants”
"Don't flush when you're done. I need your poo for my collection."
“Damn, that water’s cold."
"It's deep too!"
[удалено]
Like a big dicked bat!!??!!
[удалено]
One little, two little, three little poopies. Four little, five little…oh shit, number six isn’t so little!
Girlfriend works in childcare, I work in retail. Sometimes I forget I shouldn’t sing potty songs (that she has taught the kids) in the public restrooms at work. At home is a different story.
“Can someone get me gloves and lube? I got a stubborn one. And I could really use a cold one while you’re at it”
Do these look like herpes to you?
"Oh My God! You need to see the load I just dropped. It should be in the Guinness Book of World Records."
Randy Marsh has entered the chat.
You gonna eat that?
When I swallowed that dime bag to make sure the cops didn’t find it, I never imagined I’d be fishing it out in Burger King. Anyone got a pair of gloves?
Then it’s get back to making fries
Nice dick!
"... is your warranty expiring?"
Hold on honey, I’m coming…
Gentlemen! Anyone up for dick fencing? Best of 7!
"Sorry. I have a claymore."
A pretty small ordnance capable of blowing a hole in concrete?
No. A 2-handed Scottish sword that gave the mine its name.
Let's get some glow in the dark condoms and have a light saber battle!
I like how you think.
Dang it, I forgot the poop knife. Anyone willing to lend theirs?
"Peekaboo, I see you!"
I've got this rash on my hands and don't want it on the junk- little help?
“Does this look infected?”
> “Does this ~~look~~ taste infected?”
Can you just hold my hand, please?
"SHOW YOURSELF COWARD"
Quick story about something that happened to me. I was at the urinal in the gym. I hear someone walk up next to me and say "hey there, big boy." I just say "huh?" He says "I wasn't talking to you." So, probably that.
Yeah that’s a “winner” sort of
How long are those blue pills meant to last again?
Oh boy that's a lot of blood
Clean up isle 3, followed by hysterical laugh.
You're probably wondering why I called you all here.
Jesus Christ! I ate that in 2017!
“Oh! There you are Perry!”
So this is where all the dicks hang out!
Dude im taking a massive shit right now come see
Wow look at those crabs jump.
Pole vaulting competition
You need a bit of company? I'm kinda lonely in here
Everyone needs a friend
I'll hit you up in the stall tomorrow. You seem friendly enough
Look at the size of that thing!
Why does burn so much ? My ass is on fire
I wish my dick was as big and pretty as yours
"I'm coming!"
"A new hand touches the beacon..."
*To your urinal neighbor.* "Nice watch."
You need to clean those fingernails
INCOOOOOOMING!
I want you to understand something Jerry. I don't like people knowing about me, in fact I don't like it when ANYONE knows about me. So you can take that paper of yours and wipe off your dick with it! You made me mad Jerry... now I'm gunna have to do something to work it off...
Jesus told me to be here today, with you.
Hey buddy. I got my hands full. Do me a solid and lend me a hand.
Who wants to help me wipe???😃😃😃
Can you hold this for me
"Just let me grab my tweezers"
You really got a dick worth duelling with!
Wow! Good for you, buddy! But, you... Was there a circumcision accident or...?
Nice cock!!
"Wow, is that growing back?"
Sorry, are you LOVESFACIALS_69?
If anyone needs me I’ll be in this stall jerking off
*moans loudly*
It's alive!!!
Do you come here often?
Ya like jazz? 😏
Standing at the urinal " Damn that waters cold"
Hey Dick! Great to see you here!
Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!! (While pointing)
“Anybody want a handjob?”
(While in a stall, to the person in the next stall over) "Hey, come take a look at this."
Nice Willy mate.
Anyone else jacking it?
Wanna be my new best friend?
*the clown has no penis*
🎶 one more time 🎶 🎵 i need to be the one 🎵 🎶 to take you home 🎶
Cough! Now my turn! Lol
No one is gonna believe this. I better snap a pic
"If it's busy out there, someone can pee between my legs while I poo."
“My dick smells worse than yesterday.” Phone rings “Hey babe I’ll be over there shortly”
I think I just busted a stitch, can some one come check? No, really I think I'm bleeding... Mommy!
Crikey that's a big one! I'm going to get in there and wrestle that monsta - in your best Steve Irwin impression.
Plain old blood cutting screams followed by “MY ASSHOLE IS BURNING!”
Man: "Guy in the stall next to me, is it cold in here?" Other guy: "Uhhhhh... Yeah. A little." Wife: "Yeah. It is cold. I was right. That's why your thing is small." Man: "BS. This is normal length." Wife: "It is not. I've seen bigger." Other guy: "What's happening in there? If you're on speakerphone, It's kinda annoying." Man: "I'm not. It's none of your buisiness." Other guy: "Ok. Geez." Wife: "Whatever. Let's just do it. If you don't like the sound of two people goin at it in a rest stop bathroom, I'd suggest you hurry up and leave." Other guy: "Well, I hope that burrito passes through me quickly. Wait. Why not do it in your truck?" Man: "Can't risk it getting dirty. I'm loaning it at the moment while my main truck is in the shop." Wife: "Shut up and let's do it." Other guy: "Well, I got a story to tell the guys at the bar tomorrow..."
"Don't mind me putting my backside to the tap. I gotta wash out the truffle butter."
Hey you wanna see my weeping Hemorrhoids it's one of the seven wonders of this public bathroom
“Hey, when you’re finished, can you come over here and give me a hand?”
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK...
Hello? Yes it is. How highly contagious?
“Does this look infected to you?”
I've said this walking up to the urinal. "Race ya!"
Let''s see if I can aim from across the room.
Thank god they have urinals, I’ve been holding this shit since brunch!
Welcome to the splash zone
“Choose the 6 inch I see”
Hello Commuter on your way to work Im going to call yours, Captain Birds Eye Because it looks like its wearing a turtleneck and winking at me Youre welcome, i just named your penis.
Joe Wilkinson, the cunning linguist.
a brilliant mind and a delightful way with words. his stanzas came instantly to mind when i read this post.
That was like 50 Courics!
Make grunting noises Yell: Fire in the Hole! Then flush whisper (but loudly) Damn commies
Corn? When did I have corn?
"Does this feel like a hernia to you?"
Does anyone have change for a Twenty for the condom machine?
"Hey I need your help with something."
Omg that wasn’t just a fart
Is anyone else's nipples hard right now?
*drill* “What do you think? Should I make the glory hole bigger?”
The eyes of the lord are watching. Don’t miss.
"Hey man, can you help me uncoil this?"
Last time I was here, they had to call in the National Guard
“What’s wrong with your dick?”
*loud screaming followed by explosive, extended bowel movement* "Oh, God! I...I'm pretty sure I lost 20 pounds in there! Hey, bud, could you look up the number for Guinness Records? I'll guard this while they come. Just don't light a match or I'm pretty sure we'll die."
BOMBS AWAY!!!!
When pulling the tampon string, "There's a snake in my boot," or, "Somebody's poisoned the water hole."
“Preeeetty sure that’s not supposed to fall off..”
So you think yours tastes better than mine?
“I can feel the veins in this turd.”
"nice pubes"
“If you found a picture of yourself on the internet while you were in the stall, would you be mad?”
Can I borrow some of that? I need this job and they're testing me now... I've got the cup here. Just... hold it... still...
Got room for a small one you big bois?
"Dammit! Who patched up the glory hole?"
Need help I can pay
“It’s a little chunky and you can tell the corn is second hand, but mama always taught me waste not, want not.” *slurping and metal against ceramic noises*
Say to someone walking in as you’re leaving “I’d give that 5 minutes if I were you”
They forgot to turn the water back on.
I was in a train station restroom once and this dude pulled up to the urinal next to me, let out the biggest sigh of relief then looked over at me, leaned in and said "It feels real good,don't it lad?".
Anyone got a spare pair of undies?
Bet that tastes better than it looks
That's it?
Nice scrotum!
Mom, you said you could wa...*moaning*
Nice cock, may I get a feel?
*someone tries to open the door or knocks* "Come in"
Do you have any snacks?
"You having a good shit in there?" Then realize, when you get back to the car, that wasn't your son in the stall and you were in the women's washroom.
[knocks on urinal wall while pissing next to someone] “Don’t you just fucking hate these things?”
Teamwork Makes The Dreamwork
“Mmmmm… Smells sooooooo goooooood!”
At the urinal; "Nice" after peeping at the guy next to you.
"Why won't you come out?!"
No bidet? What kind of country is this?
"wanna take a selfie?"
Can I hold that for you?
"All right honey... Okay I got to go... my wife's calling on the other line... Love you!"
You mind if I try that?
"Jesus Christ man, are you ***always*** hanging around in this restroom?"
Excuse me would you like to play cash stall?
Should poop be that size and colour??? *tries to flush* Welp, that didn’t work. How do I get poop off the floor??
Well wouldja lookit dat!
"Oh boy, do I love asparigus!"
"would you like a brownie?"
I dropped my retainer. Everyone stop what you're doing and help me look for it.
"Does yours look like this?"
Leaving the stall: “I got the seat warm for you.”
"RELEASE THE KRAKEN!"
Jesus christ its hard to flush a newborn.
"tickle fight"
"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to mourn the passing of this little shit..."
So your in the bathroom stall doing your business next time someone knocks on the door don't say occupied or busy just say come in and watch as they stand there comprehending what you just said in confusion
"Oh, no, I didn't come here for business, just sight seeing."
"Want to cross streams?" And yeah, a dude I worked with really said this to another dude in the men's room as he was walking up to the urinals.
Wanna do a circle jerk?
"I've never used the staff entrance before"
Not really that awkward, but sometimes I'll enter a restroom and say, "So, I guess this is where all the dicks hang out."
"Hey!, what happened to the Gloryhole!??"
*Furious clapping sounds* “Oh yeah, I’m so turned on right now.” *Guy in the neighboring stall farts aggressively* “Yup, sounds about my size.”
Ooh that feels good
"Do you like candy?"
point to the little white, minty smelling disinfectant round thing they put in urinals and ask, "are you going to eat that?'
Could you hold mine for me? My aim is rubbish.
"Damn! They keep removing my hidden cameras!"
Let me tell you about a great business opportunity