I’d be pissed if my gf was masturbating to pics of dudes she knows in real life. It’s different than porn because it’s not just a random person on the internet you will never meet. Im sure they wouldn’t be too happy if they knew he was jerking it to them anyway.
This. Eww it’s so creepy. If I found out a male friend was doing that with my pictures I would quite literally vomit and never speak to them ever again and block them on every platform possible. Especially if they were married?! 😖
Yeah that’s a hard no. Girlfriend knows I watch porn, but I (and I assume her too) put “people we know in real life” in the no-go category. Porn is impersonal, put something personal in and it crosses a line
Same.
Also porn stars and OF models, sex workers, I believe is the nomenclature, post that shit with the expectation people jerk it to them. Your friends who are just happy to look cute online?! FOH.
This exactly. I know my partner watches porn, he knows I watch it, we watch it together sometimes. That’s all fine and dandy. I have three boundaries when it comes to this, though, that I think are reasonable to most people:
1. Masturbating to people you know in real life.
2. Choosing porn over your actual partner when said partner is available and willing.
3. Masturbating to cam models or OF models. Even instagram models or whatever. The caveat here is that typically you are interacting with these people in some way (financially, through conversation, requests, etc.) and/or seeking out a specific person repeatedly, which makes it personal in a way regular porn is not.
Funny enough my wife and I have the same rules.
I’d jerk it to OF models though but I’d never use OF. Like, I’d never pay or comment or try to start some sort of personal connection with someone like that through those means. Also, in my mind, an OF model is doing it for the money. That’s the whole point of it all. They don’t want to hear about my awesome LEGO collection.
Yeah if they (they themselves, not someone stealing their content & posting without consent) post free content on like pornhub or similar, I have no issue. That’s different, imo, than me or my husband giving time, emotional energy, personal information, etc., that you’d normally reserve for your partner to someone outside of our relationship
"he says a lot of men do this and it doesn't mean he actually wants to fuck them"
As a man, I don't do this, but if I did it would definetly mean that I want to fuck them
Right that's what I was thinking...like okay of it doesn't matter then here's some really rugged ass pictures of these ladies, since it doesn't matter, just imagine they were attractive.
While I suspect the “doesn’t want to fuck them” part is false (obviously), it doesn’t necessarily mean an intent to pursue it in the real world. Plenty of people still fantasize about their exes, for example.
Exactly lmao the man just wants to bust a nut quickly he doesn’t actually have an intention to fuck them irl he’s just imagining it so he can bust quickly
Ya. Reality is, everybody has people outside their marriage they are biologically inclined to desire
But monogamy is not acting on it.
This is pushing the boundries.
I would have f ask m to stop out of respect
It is also disrespectful (to his wife and to the other women) to use them for jerk-off material. He uses their photos in this way, and this leads to him thinking about this while he is in their presence in real life.
There are plenty of images of people he does not know to use for this.
And there are women who, by creating and selling sexual content, are consenting to be jacked-off to.
I don’t know anyone who posts to IG thinking “gee, I sure hope some guy I know IRL and whom I believe to respect me nuts all over this!”
There are definitely women I find sexually attractive that I have no interest in actually having sex with.
Someone can look super appealing but be incredibly annoying or toxic or whatever.
Spank material is not the same as actual interest.
As someone who is not a man but primarily likes women, yeah it would definitely mean that I want to fuck that person I do not believe in using other folks photos especially if their Instagram is private or friends only as I feel like that’s basically looking through someone’s photo album and pretty different from regular old fantasizing But if I’m going to fantasize, yes it means I want to fuck that person. Anyone who says otherwise honestly has an issue with categorization and this might be a scary word for some people, but objectification. There are just some people that in my mind are either friends or family of choice and I just could never go there and even with people I do fantasize about if I know that they wouldn’t want me using something they’ve given me access to to do that, I’m not gonna prioritize my nut there’s just way too much free porn and that’s why it’s so fucking sus to me. These are not the only pictures these people have access to if it was just about a nice ass or whatever you can literally fine tens of thousands of them it’s specifically the connection and the weird taboo that he wants. Sorry.
Yeah I can’t comment on the “all men do this” part, I have no idea if it’s common practice or not. But I can pretty confidently say that if I jerk off to someone it’s because I want to have sex with them. I figured that was kind of a given.
Can't say I'm an expert on health or this particular situation, but I can say that I think most things are made healthier by adding "eating fruit" to the equation. So I suppose it's worth a try
It does feel really unhealthy, but that doesn't make it uncommon. Likely a minority, but not uncommon.
I can see it. Sexual thoughts can be more exciting if they're about someone who is real to you, with mannerisms and quirks and shared jokes, instead of some airbrushed model who is being paid to fake it.
And, I'll just confess, there's an uncontrollable part of my lizard brain that eventually has had sex dreams once or twice about most of my closest male colleagues. I blush about it and stuff it into the "don't think about that closet", I would absolutely never talk to them about it or masturbate to it while awake.
Selecting masturbatory material is something that you have control over, and it can carve a groove into your brain. That's why this is unhealthy.
Not commenting on what people did or didn't do, just my opinion on it's creep level. People used to slaughter bison and club baby seals, but i don't think that ws right either.
Because you would have to sleep with the actual person, who has their own feelings and particular relationship with you, rather than the mental construct based on that person that you were fantasizing about.
I’m learning so much from these comments. For example, I apparently should be asking my partner’s permission before fantasizing about a celebrity. And also fantasizing about that celebrity means I will seize any opportunity to blow up my life and betray my partner to sleep with them.
Ehh, you can lust over someone without having genuine desire to sleep with them. I wank to porn stars I think are hot but wouldn’t want to touch irl. There are other factors than visual stimulation.
But jerking off to pornstars is different than doing so to your friends’ instagram pics. IDK how people can have casual conversations with the person after masturbating to them…
Eh a lot of guys have jerked off to quite literally any female they find relatively attractive. Doesn't really change anything unless it's like an obsession i'd imagine.
I think there was a misunderstanding. He likely meant he wouldn't want to sleep with them because he's in a relationship. Obviously they are hot enough to want.
Not everything we have fantasies about are hidden desires.
Fantasy is a place where one is free from the real world, that's the entire point.
In real life you would not, for example, strangle your boss, but you can fantasize about it. You would never do it, it's not society holding you back, it's you. You don't really want to do it, you are not a violent person, you would feel horrible about acting that way, in practice you really have 0 desire to do that action. And yet you can fantasize about it and get pleasure from the fantasy. Fantasy it's not only about you doing what you want if no one were holding you back, it's about you doing things that you would not want in the real world. It's as much as you not being you as you being the "real you".
Can we back up to how creepy it is to jerk off to photos of your friends, though? That’s concerning behavior. Posting something on the internet isn’t consent for people you know to masturbate to you.
Edit: if you think it’s okay, read my standard response below. You’re not getting anything else out of me.
> It’s fucking creepy to jack off to your friends and you know it. Good luck out there.
I want to start by saying OP has every right to set her boundaries as she sees fit, and if she feels his behavior unacceptable, she’s well within her right, and can make this clear to her partner. If he respects her and their relationship, he’ll abide by this in the future.
That said, what goes on in one’s own mind with regard to sexual fantasy is not necessarily indicative of something they’d want to do in real life.
Many women have a rape fantasy, but would obviously never want to actually be raped.
Some people have coprophilia fantasies, but don’t actually want to do it.
And similarly, many people have had sexual fantasies (and jerked off to it) about people they know personally, but would absolutely never think about doing it in real life, and may not even WANT to sleep with them, but the idea of the fantasy may be very titillating.
Just as an example, as a young man in my early 20s, I had a couple times fantasized about sleeping with my female boss who was around 50. The fantasy was exciting to me at the time, but in reality, I never would have wanted to sleep with her.
This comment goes for all human relationships. Set the slate clean:
“Hey ______ friend/ lover/ family member; _____ thing you did/ are doing hurt me / is hurting me. Maybe you didn’t know it hurts me but I’m letting you know now that it does, is a boundary I’m not able to break for my own personal needs, and I would like it to stop. Please respect me on ____ thing.”
Try to have this conversation with both asserting your needs while doing your best to give the other person the benefit of the doubt and trying as best as possible to speak without blame. When a person feels blamed / shamed for breaking a boundary - they might only react with defensiveness and not hear you.
I'm a man, yet I still find this to be troubling behavior. This fantasy is too close to home. I still don't know what OP should do. It feels wrong on a lot of levels.
It’s also creepy to his friends. They would absolutely (and rightly) think he’s a pervert if they knew what he was doing. It’s not hard to just go on the hub and find content of girls you don’t know.
Exactly this - “oh, btw, I loved your vacation photos…I jerked off to that pic of you in your swimsuit. So, you guys still in for dinner this weekend?”
Right? This is like jokingly talking about your ‘list’ with eachother and instead of naming famous people they just rattle off names people in your contacts…
Thank you.
This is such a good way to describe it.
If he’s sexually attracted or turned on by people they actually know, who knows where it could lead if these people meet in real life?
This would be a hard boundary for me. Not only that but as a woman it’s disrespectful as hell IMO.
I wouldn’t want to let a man touch/sleep with me if I knew he was wanking it to people we knew.
I’m like go be with them then if I’m not enough. It’s considered cheating for me when it’s with people we know directly.
Porn stars suck too but the fantasy mostly remains a fantasy…
My ex-wife was fucking my best friend the whole time we were married. If I ever had a partner who got off to pictures of my friends it wouldn't even be a conversation, I'd break up with her on the spot. Hits way too close
Sorry that happened to you; cheating, especially with someone close to you, just totally fucks with your ability to trust for a LONG time, and my ex-husband cheated on me with MY best friend too, so I totally agree that my partner masturbating to people we know who have innocent pictures posted on Instagram would just reactivate too much insecurity and anxiety leftover from what my ex put me through. I hope you found yourself a much better relationship with an honest and faithful wife now.
My God it’s wild right? Like all the people in the world and your spanking it to people you know? Come on. I love your answer! Just match his energy OP.
Yup. I follow a simple rule with these sorts of matters - If I'm unaware of my partner's preference, I ask myself "what would I want her to do in this situation?" And then I behave accordingly. If I'd rather have done something different in that situation and believe it's worth broaching, I'll ask her about it so that I know for next time. It's not rocket science.
Actually contacting them directly for photos would be a whole new level of weird, similar to OP's boyfriend doing that to her friends.
Now if those friends had their own insta accounts and she was double-clicking her mouse to that, without telling them, it would be a similar situation.
To be clear, I feel both examples are wrong but asking someone for photos vs using publicly available Instagram photos is different. One of them is creepy and hurtful, one of them is bordering dangerously close to cyber sex; which is adultery in my mind.
"Okay! While we're on the subject, would you send me that picture of Bob from our 4th of July cookout a few years back? No reason in particular..." lol ***LOVE IT!***
I'm just gonna say here, and this should be obvious, but if I'm jerking off to a woman I know, it is absolutely because I want to have sex with her. 100%
Thats the only thing that could get me hard during my relationship. Porn is viable but harder to jerk off to. Why imagine it withsome random person when you have your partner right with you where you can actually do things with.
lol caught a friend in the early 2000s with a stack of printed pictures under his bed of girls from our school. Still give him shit to this day about it
Actually did this in the very early dial-up internet days when it was a bit of a hassle to log on and even a pic took a minute to download. And the family PC was in the living room.
Sometimes you just need something handy…no pun intended…
Sometimes you get desensitized to all the options that the video sites have and you gotta take a step back and think about the elbow grease our grandparents put in to really appreciate how good we have it today.
Don't use your Friend's photos though, for obvious reasons.
In 100 years, people like you will be saying "he jacks it with his own hand to a two-dimentional video on a screen? Did he time travel back to the days before Vulvatron and Immersex were summonable by just a thought to their implant?"
Former sex addict here. My toxic horny ass didn’t even do that. That’s wild.
Edit: some of you people acting like just jerking off to people you know is normal. It still ain’t normal. Y’all really got something deeper going on there.
To other people asking how I stopped. I got rid of outside influences. Reddit and it’s abundance of porn was huge. I started getting rid of my saved, and a lot of the people I was following which I realized was about 95% sex content and nothing really good for me. I’d do it a little at once. If I saw it come in my feed I’d unfollow it. Slowly I started seeing less temptation. Then got rid of my other porn influences, and fetish pages on social media. I realized that I was just scrolling to see the next nsfw thing, whatever it was.
Told my partner I needed more sex, it’s important to me, but I also needed to manage it in a healthier way. Luckily that went well.
And practice. It slowly gets better but you have to be in the right mindset. It’s easy to get yourself in a hole and think that it’s normal. At my worst I would try finding a girl every other day to hook up, I said whatever I needed to get what I needed, that led to a lot of broken hearts out of my own selfishness and I met some really amazing people that I realized I would have been completely in love with and had an amazing relationship with if I didn’t have this issue. That was the tipping point for me. It felt compulsive, there was never a good feeling afterwards, and there was a lot of loneliness.
Oh therapy helped too.
Agreed. The number of people trying to normalize this behavior is baffling.
How could one justify a married/taken man jerking off to pictures of women he knows? 🤢 Reddit is not real life, it can't be.
Ok a lot of men do NOT do that, and he's a weirdo for doing that. He has access to as much porn as he wants through his phone but he decided to jerk it to women he knows. It's honestly creepy
Edit: for the people who are bringing up my gender, yes I am in fact a man and know how men think and have many male friends
I would guess that it's probably not all that uncommon, especially with the under 25 crowd. However, it does absolutely mean he wants to fuck that woman.
There are some iffy people (both genders)on here normalizing creepy jerking off behavior(using pics of people they know & aren’t F’ing). No wonder women have a hard time finding “nice guys “…
There was a post (can’t remember the sub) the other day where her boyfriend told her to ‘stop posting pictures online and doesn’t she know her guy friend jerk it to her pictures.’ She was horrified and disgusted that he could even think that…it was a long thread of people trying to convince her it actually happens and her being in denial and then absolutely disgusted and wanting to delete all her social media. There were also lots of comments of other woman who had gone into that sub and read the comment and were so disgusted and saying they never wanted to post on social media again…again woman who had no clue men do that, and considering it creepy and disgusting.
And here in this thread you see guys saying ‘but woman post thirst traps knowing what we will do’….no no the don’t necessarily know what guys will do with that picture. Maybe there naive but sometimes people are posting picture because it makes themselves feel good and naively have no clue what men may do with them.
Edit. I found the post in my comment history but my phone is being stupid and won’t copy the link for it but it’s titles ‘AITA for calling my boyfriend a “disgusting pig” after he claimed that my male friends masturbate to my pics?’
I danced too and the amount of men who think boundaries disappear because there's money involved is insane. I can't even count the number of times I had to up and leave a VIP room because of either proposition, or what would rightly be considered sexual assault in any environment. They're completely astounded when you react the way any person would to that behavior too! It's like, my dude, it ain't that kind of party.
Essentially yes, but it lasts a lot longer. At my club you could start at a half hour and go as long as they were willing to pay per hour after that. It generally began at around $300 for that first half hour. A lap dance is however long a song lasts, so maybe 2 or 3 minutes, and I would regularly charge anywhere from $50-$75 for that. So if someone had the money and wanted to be entertained for longer, a VIP room was the way to go. Also, if you have a group, it's a good way for that group to pick a few dancers they think are cool and hang out with just them for however long they want in their own room. Also, you would not believe how many older men with expendable income get VIP rooms just to talk to you. You don't even have to dance, they literally just want to talk. It happens SO often.
Happy Cake Day!
Literally NO WHERE
What's crazy is I feel safer in the club then I do during a late night emergency errand at Walmart
Literally buying tampons and theres a group of four getting aggressive towards me because I'm not smiling for them.
The differences between the way men treat me at the club and everyday life are getting Less And Less noticable
My boyfriend wants me to start conceal carrying and his advice might be right
Partner is a professional domme. Men like that are the reason they take every step possible to vet clients before meeting and keep multiple people apprised of the where and when.
Okay I had several male friends confess to jerking off to my pics and I have ZERO bikini/provocative pics on my social media. I'm always fully clothed so they have to be jerking off to my face?? That's like a whole new level of gross
This whole thread just makes me feel gross. I’ve had sexual fantasies about female friends but to go as far as to find pictures of them and jerk off to them is a whole other level. It feels like some men just treat their female friends like a walking spank bank that they can just tap into whenever they feel like, and not as a human being that they respect enough to not do that.
Yeah this thread was a major wake up call for me.
Reddit can sometimes be an echo chamber. But the echo is too loud in this thread. Now im double thinking if I want to keep my Instagram.
TIL even a private page isn't safe from creeps, because you never know what your followers are doing to and with your photos.
Ugh I'm tired.
I’m tired too, but what I’m most tired of is a lot of the men here saying “rather you like it or not, all of your male friends do this to your photos”. It’s very similar language used by pedophiles who go prey after minors and say: “every man has dreamt about being with a 13 year old!”. Some men with really shitty values and morals try bringing other men down with them just so they don’t have to hold themselves accountable for their shitty worldviews.
So yeah, it’s not as if all or most men are like this, but at the same time I don’t doubt it’s an uncommon thing either.
It’s so fucking WILD. People are so desentisized to hardcore porn in their pocket 24/7 that they have to turn to people they know in real life to get excited. But no, they’re not mysogynistic, they don’t see women as objects to be used however and whenever they please as allllll. /s
This is not normal behavior. Fantasizing about people you know to this extent is going to have consequences. If you think you can dump so many happy hormones into your brain while thinking of these things on the daily without being influenced at all you’re plain stupid.
I'm actually relieved. These comments seem mostly on the right side. This topic came up on AITA like a month ago and literally every comment was some variation of "100% of guys do this" and I was just in shock. Like wtf.
Jacking off to a crush is completely normal and healthy. If this guy wasn’t in a relationship I actually wouldn’t think this is all that weird. You can’t police people’s thoughts and fantasies, so if you want to be sure people aren’t jacking off to you, don’t put pics on social media, especially any revealing ones.
Unfortunately, he is in a relationship. We all know people get off to all kinds of things, including other people on occasion when in long term relationships, but doing it to people you know and see, people you took time to download their pics of, feels a lot more intimate and real than getting off to some one you just scrolled through on social media, a celebrity, or pulled up on porn. There’s an opportunity for real attraction and feelings to develop bc you know these people. Everytime she’s around them, she knows exactly what type of thoughts are going through his head about people that were supposed to be platonic.
I think crush is okay because normally in my experience when i'm in a relationship I dont crush on people. But this guy is actively searching for photos of female friends while in a relationship.
Yeah you were a horny teenager. Adults don’t act like this lol. Jacking off to pictures of a woman you know? Ok but it definitely means you want to fuck them
For me, it’s the getting off to what I presume are normal photos. Not thirst traps or explicit photos, just regular photos where they look good. I know people have fantasies, and that’s fine. Might make me feel a lil weird to think about my partner fantasizing about other people we know, but I do it too. However I would feel incredibly uncomfortable if he was getting off to regular photos of our friends. I’m having a hard time putting words to it, but it feels like an invasion of trust for them. And them being (for lack of a better term) victim of some really creepy behavior.
I think the distinction that is getting lost in a lot of the comments is between having fantasies about people you know and actually using their pictures as a masturbatory aid.
It's normal to have fantasies about people you know sometimes, and those fantasies don't necessarily predict real life behavior or reflect real life desires. It's normal for people to sometimes have fantasies like that, even to think about them when masturbating and is not necessarily problematic.
However, it's also skeevy to use pictures friends posted in a non-sexual context to get yourself aroused. Whether or not you are in a monogamous relationship. OP and her husband's friends are (probably) not pornstars and would likely feel uncomfortable with him doing that, so he shouldn't do it.
They are two separate issues in my book that OP's partner and many people on this thread are conflating.
There's a distinction between fantasy and what someone will do IRL. Even flirting crosses the line. But even if he has no intention of ever doing anything, I think more discussion should be around how it made you feel. It made you uncomfortable and he needs to acknowledge that. You don't need the Internet to pass a verdict. It bothered you and you should have an open conversation about it.
There is so much porn out there... if you jack it to pics of people you know or just randoms you're a creep. And if you think it's not weird try telling them you do it and see how that plays out.
Like, *yes*, but people have a really hard time verbalizing the difference between *want* and *intent to act*. I can't help who I want to fuck (literally every attractive person), I do however control my intent and my action.
Very much not defending him, but that specific subject I think is a bit tricky. Does "want" mean , "would pursue if presented an opportunity," or does it mean, "if I didn't have valid reasons to choose not to pursue, I would choose to pursue."
Either way, it's creepy to use his friends photos.
My husband watches porn and while I'm not a fan of that, it doesn't bother me nearly as deeply as it would to know he was getting off to pictures of other women that he knew. That's definitely a boundary no man in a committed relationship should ever cross. It's absolutely gateway cheating. I'd tear him a new one.
Nope that’s terrible. Literally he’s imagining fucking them. What else is the photo for jfc he must think you’re a moron. I’m a man and no you’re not wrong.
Hey OP. First off, I’m sorry for what you must be going through. My friends partner was caught doing this and I was one of many people in their social circle who’s photos have been used for this purpose. It’s extremely violating and our friends that know have told her we no longer feel comfortable being around her partner, and don’t want him around. She’s having a hard time forgiving him, and accepting that her partner isn’t someone she can trust around friends and family. She’s since separated and looking into divorce. I’ve asked male friends about this and pretty unanimously, they said it’s creepy behavior. Don’t listen to his attempts to normalize this. He’s in damage control mode. This is a disturbing lack of sexual boundaries. Consider if these icky feelings you have now are something you’re willing to deal with for the rest of your lives together, because they’re going to be re-triggered in social settings to come.
That’s what we in the Reddit world callllll gas lighting! “You’re the weird one for thinking I want to fuck someone I’m touching my dick thinking about! Stupid idiot!”
As a single man, I may have jerked off to Instagram profiles of people I think are hot.
People in the greater group of friends.
Not girlfriends of friends, or wives etc.
What your guy is doing is a little off if you ask me.
If he is in a committed relationship and needs to jerk off, there are plenty of other things out there to entertain. If it’s too close to home, it’s not the one.
This whole conversation is wild to me. I (46m) went through puberty pre-internet. I lived in a small town where porn wasn't really available. All we had for the spank bank was actresses and people we knew well enough to picture from memory.
Looking up their pictures is somehow weird to me as well. Like if you took pictures of someone back in the day, had them developed, and used them it would have been wildly out of line.
But at the heart of it sexual fantasy is just that, fantasy. Feeling you get to police your partners fantasies seems like a crazy possessive thing.
Having said that, my mores were set in a time where this conversation was not possible, much less relevant. I can see where it is a normal outgrowth of boundary setting in the social media age. Shit is still surreal to me somehow.
If you had a best friend that was 10X hotter than you, you would be okay with every single one of your girlfriends fantasizing about him? That wouldn’t chip away at your self esteem over time?
Guys have fantasies about hot women they know. Some guys use pictures because it enhances their imagination. Is it unethical? That’s another debate. I do think a lot of guys do this but just won’t admit it because it definitely comes off as creepy. Also this is Reddit where 90% of the males on here have never touched a vagina so be careful about trusting some of these answers.
i understand if its OF or any kind of pornography. but the red flag is not he jerkoff on insta photo , but on his friends photos.
or maybe its normal for him for being perverted jerking off friends photos
You should clearly communicate what you're comfortable with, what the boundaries are, and make sure he understands them. Then, after that, if those boundaries are crossed, you can take reasonable action.
I almost left my partner in the beginning of our relationship for this, along with constantly liking thirst traps of girls he actually knows. It’s disrespectful, gross, and violating on the other end of it. I just remember asking myself why he didn’t prefer me, this was in the beginning mind you. Being in a relationship comes with boundaries and there is no right or wrong; it’s however you feel safe! I personally did not want him pleasing himself over other women; ESPECIALLY women he knows. So the next time he sees her, his brain will literally flash back to what he did and forget about you being in that moment anymore.
My now husband, doesn’t even use Instagram anymore. He couldn’t stop liking inappropriate things and had porn addiction because of it. At points, he would reject me and go jerk in the next room! I was over it, I was rock bottom and insecure. I told him, it’s me, or pixels. Choose. And he chose me… if your partner can sacrifice an entire mindset, than they are truly a keeper.
It’s a respect thing. Whether it’s normal or not, you are choosing someone over your partner when doing that. Also, it makes your partner insecure. Is it worth doing it when the damage is so much more than just using your partners picture?
You are allowed to have feelings. If you don’t, you’ll live in a relationship feeling resentment and disrespected. It’s okay to have boundaries for something like this. It’s healthy.
So I was looking for additional updates in your post, and you really should have included this information. As a woman in tech, I got strong "your husband is sexist" vibes from your story, not that he doesn't believe in you in particular. Especially how his family also talked. It's shit I've heard before and when it's coming from men in the same family, there's typically a reason.
This is just confirmation of that. He always saw women as just objects. This comment about how he chose you isn't a win. He picked an object he could fuck over ones he couldn't. He never chose to see women as people, which your other post makes clear.
This is harsh as fuck for me to say, but I hate how you're framing this behaviour as something someone can overcome, when clearly it's not. (Edit: I mean that love / a relationship / a woman can overcome. The man has to want to unlearn misogynistic behaviour, and unlearning is possible.) Women should walk away from men who do this stuff. Or they'll just end up wondering, years later, why their partner doesn't see them as a whole person, when this red flag about a man's opinion on women was there the whole time.
Anyway since I've been a whole arse arsehole here, I do want to reiterate that you're qualified for tech! Please come and join me in the suffering that is being a woman in techland. And may it be just a wonderful and fulfilling experience for you!
I asked 4 men I know if this is something men do, if it's normal. Each and every one of them said absolutely not. They don't jerk off to friends or coworkers. They did, in fact, say that's creepy. My husband offered a bit more with generally, when playing whack a mole, while looking at a picture, that is very specific, I want to bang that person, fantasy. That is very ick. You know he ain't pulling his peen thinking her tank top looks like Egyptian cotton or that her necklace is heirloom.
That is just ick.
So three out of those for lied to you. What do you expect as an answer to that question? “Sure, I wank one off to your Insta all the time, keep those bikini pics coming”.
Four men were asked by one of their female friends if it was normal for men to jerk off to pictures of their female friends. Do you see why they might lie to you there? I think the methodology section of this study is going to need to have a lengthy discussion of why the data gathering technique used was sound.
It’s definitely in poor taste but I’m honestly confused why so many people here are astonished this sort of thing happened. What were the photos like? Isn’t it one of the primary purposes of instagram to serve as an exchange of plausibly deniable thirst traps from closeted vain airheads to horny shameless losers? It’s a very different scenario if he’s looking at the album from the beach bachelorette party or the third kid’s first communion.
Also would it actually have been better if OP walked in on husband watching porn? Beyond the purely speculative discussions of taboos and kinks, I’d imagine at least part of husband’s cost-benefit analysis is that you can at least try and spin looking at instagram photos as something more dignified than straight up porn. Obviously he still got caught like a doofus, but we need to know more about the nature of their relationship and OPs attitudes towards porn.
I’d be pissed if my gf was masturbating to pics of dudes she knows in real life. It’s different than porn because it’s not just a random person on the internet you will never meet. Im sure they wouldn’t be too happy if they knew he was jerking it to them anyway.
This. Eww it’s so creepy. If I found out a male friend was doing that with my pictures I would quite literally vomit and never speak to them ever again and block them on every platform possible. Especially if they were married?! 😖
Maybe she should tell them...
Wtf sort of insane solution is that. "My bf jerks to pictures of you" yeah thats a great idea, solves literally no problems and creates a bunch.
Yeah that’s a hard no. Girlfriend knows I watch porn, but I (and I assume her too) put “people we know in real life” in the no-go category. Porn is impersonal, put something personal in and it crosses a line
Yep. Me too. Been married for 10 years. Have I had friends I wanted to fuck over the years? Yes, duh. Have I jerked to their insta? Nope.
You fucked them instead like a real man /s
Same. Also porn stars and OF models, sex workers, I believe is the nomenclature, post that shit with the expectation people jerk it to them. Your friends who are just happy to look cute online?! FOH.
"If they didn't want me jerking off to them then why are they showing cleavage in this photo?!" - OPs pig bf, probably
This exactly. I know my partner watches porn, he knows I watch it, we watch it together sometimes. That’s all fine and dandy. I have three boundaries when it comes to this, though, that I think are reasonable to most people: 1. Masturbating to people you know in real life. 2. Choosing porn over your actual partner when said partner is available and willing. 3. Masturbating to cam models or OF models. Even instagram models or whatever. The caveat here is that typically you are interacting with these people in some way (financially, through conversation, requests, etc.) and/or seeking out a specific person repeatedly, which makes it personal in a way regular porn is not.
Funny enough my wife and I have the same rules. I’d jerk it to OF models though but I’d never use OF. Like, I’d never pay or comment or try to start some sort of personal connection with someone like that through those means. Also, in my mind, an OF model is doing it for the money. That’s the whole point of it all. They don’t want to hear about my awesome LEGO collection.
Yeah if they (they themselves, not someone stealing their content & posting without consent) post free content on like pornhub or similar, I have no issue. That’s different, imo, than me or my husband giving time, emotional energy, personal information, etc., that you’d normally reserve for your partner to someone outside of our relationship
"he says a lot of men do this and it doesn't mean he actually wants to fuck them" As a man, I don't do this, but if I did it would definetly mean that I want to fuck them
I've done this, but never with someone I didn't want to fuck, that shit is ridiculous.
Imagine trying to get off to someone you don't want to fuck?
Right that's what I was thinking...like okay of it doesn't matter then here's some really rugged ass pictures of these ladies, since it doesn't matter, just imagine they were attractive.
While I suspect the “doesn’t want to fuck them” part is false (obviously), it doesn’t necessarily mean an intent to pursue it in the real world. Plenty of people still fantasize about their exes, for example.
Yeah that's what I got, he doesn't MEAN to fuck them necessarily, just think about it really hard. 😂
This is what is actually happening 100%
Exactly lmao the man just wants to bust a nut quickly he doesn’t actually have an intention to fuck them irl he’s just imagining it so he can bust quickly
This guy jacks off
like so hard
Ya. Reality is, everybody has people outside their marriage they are biologically inclined to desire But monogamy is not acting on it. This is pushing the boundries. I would have f ask m to stop out of respect
It is also disrespectful (to his wife and to the other women) to use them for jerk-off material. He uses their photos in this way, and this leads to him thinking about this while he is in their presence in real life. There are plenty of images of people he does not know to use for this.
And there are women who, by creating and selling sexual content, are consenting to be jacked-off to. I don’t know anyone who posts to IG thinking “gee, I sure hope some guy I know IRL and whom I believe to respect me nuts all over this!”
Yeah i absolutely agree
There are definitely women I find sexually attractive that I have no interest in actually having sex with. Someone can look super appealing but be incredibly annoying or toxic or whatever. Spank material is not the same as actual interest.
Yeah, I’m only jerking it to what I want to fuck.
ew don’t masturbate to peoples instagrams. that’s so weird
I didn't say I was proud of it
😂😂
Exactly
The only normal take I’ve seen in here from another man.
As someone who is not a man but primarily likes women, yeah it would definitely mean that I want to fuck that person I do not believe in using other folks photos especially if their Instagram is private or friends only as I feel like that’s basically looking through someone’s photo album and pretty different from regular old fantasizing But if I’m going to fantasize, yes it means I want to fuck that person. Anyone who says otherwise honestly has an issue with categorization and this might be a scary word for some people, but objectification. There are just some people that in my mind are either friends or family of choice and I just could never go there and even with people I do fantasize about if I know that they wouldn’t want me using something they’ve given me access to to do that, I’m not gonna prioritize my nut there’s just way too much free porn and that’s why it’s so fucking sus to me. These are not the only pictures these people have access to if it was just about a nice ass or whatever you can literally fine tens of thousands of them it’s specifically the connection and the weird taboo that he wants. Sorry.
I’m in agreement with my bisexual, leaning more towards Lesbian friend here…
Can confirm… I’ve only ever jerked it to IRL women who I have, or wanted to be with…
A rare sight, a man telling the truth about his habits lol
Yeah I can’t comment on the “all men do this” part, I have no idea if it’s common practice or not. But I can pretty confidently say that if I jerk off to someone it’s because I want to have sex with them. I figured that was kind of a given.
Sometimes the concept of fucking someone is much better than the reality of fucking them
Exactly. Like how do you get aroused by someone you aren't wanting to fuck at least on a subconscious level? How does that even work?
I could get hard by looking at the ingredients of a shampoo bottle for too long
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Sexual arousals and actually fucking someone are different things. I feel sorry for your future wife you will cheat on.
Yea, I've never jerked off to a girl that I don't want to fuck. But that doesn't mean I would given the opportunity. Maybe that's what he meant?
Why would you jerk off to someone you wouldn't want to sleep with?
As a married guy, this feels really unhealthy on a bunch of levels
Would it be healthier if you did it eating fruit, asking for a friend.
Can't say I'm an expert on health or this particular situation, but I can say that I think most things are made healthier by adding "eating fruit" to the equation. So I suppose it's worth a try
I wouldn't. Ask George Castanza
He flew too close to the Sun on wings of pastrami.
The most sensual of the meats.
I need this cross-stitched 😂😂😂😂
“Yeah, that’s what he did”… Edit: forgot the eye roll
Don’t bring me into this
It does feel really unhealthy, but that doesn't make it uncommon. Likely a minority, but not uncommon. I can see it. Sexual thoughts can be more exciting if they're about someone who is real to you, with mannerisms and quirks and shared jokes, instead of some airbrushed model who is being paid to fake it. And, I'll just confess, there's an uncontrollable part of my lizard brain that eventually has had sex dreams once or twice about most of my closest male colleagues. I blush about it and stuff it into the "don't think about that closet", I would absolutely never talk to them about it or masturbate to it while awake. Selecting masturbatory material is something that you have control over, and it can carve a groove into your brain. That's why this is unhealthy.
What do you think people did before porn? The only mental material are people you know.
Not commenting on what people did or didn't do, just my opinion on it's creep level. People used to slaughter bison and club baby seals, but i don't think that ws right either.
Same.. the guys thinking and turned on by people he is within social proximity to. This is definitely something you'd call a red flag
Because you would have to sleep with the actual person, who has their own feelings and particular relationship with you, rather than the mental construct based on that person that you were fantasizing about.
Exactly. Jesus Christ, this thread has convinced me to mute this sub
I’m learning so much from these comments. For example, I apparently should be asking my partner’s permission before fantasizing about a celebrity. And also fantasizing about that celebrity means I will seize any opportunity to blow up my life and betray my partner to sleep with them.
You should also ask that celebrity for consent apparently.
Reddit is truly insane about relationships / sexuality.
He does. He also knows he doesn't have the balls to try.
He knows they would never want to sleep with him.
Ehh, you can lust over someone without having genuine desire to sleep with them. I wank to porn stars I think are hot but wouldn’t want to touch irl. There are other factors than visual stimulation.
Right? I think bobert is pretty but I would choose hot pokers to the eyes before actually touching her.
She's just mashing it
But jerking off to pornstars is different than doing so to your friends’ instagram pics. IDK how people can have casual conversations with the person after masturbating to them…
Eh a lot of guys have jerked off to quite literally any female they find relatively attractive. Doesn't really change anything unless it's like an obsession i'd imagine.
I think there was a misunderstanding. He likely meant he wouldn't want to sleep with them because he's in a relationship. Obviously they are hot enough to want.
Not everything we have fantasies about are hidden desires. Fantasy is a place where one is free from the real world, that's the entire point. In real life you would not, for example, strangle your boss, but you can fantasize about it. You would never do it, it's not society holding you back, it's you. You don't really want to do it, you are not a violent person, you would feel horrible about acting that way, in practice you really have 0 desire to do that action. And yet you can fantasize about it and get pleasure from the fantasy. Fantasy it's not only about you doing what you want if no one were holding you back, it's about you doing things that you would not want in the real world. It's as much as you not being you as you being the "real you".
Can we back up to how creepy it is to jerk off to photos of your friends, though? That’s concerning behavior. Posting something on the internet isn’t consent for people you know to masturbate to you. Edit: if you think it’s okay, read my standard response below. You’re not getting anything else out of me. > It’s fucking creepy to jack off to your friends and you know it. Good luck out there.
Creepy? Yes. Concerning? Yes. But consent isn’t relevant here. Like it or not, we don’t get to “consent” to how people think of us in private.
This is the only right answer...
I want to start by saying OP has every right to set her boundaries as she sees fit, and if she feels his behavior unacceptable, she’s well within her right, and can make this clear to her partner. If he respects her and their relationship, he’ll abide by this in the future. That said, what goes on in one’s own mind with regard to sexual fantasy is not necessarily indicative of something they’d want to do in real life. Many women have a rape fantasy, but would obviously never want to actually be raped. Some people have coprophilia fantasies, but don’t actually want to do it. And similarly, many people have had sexual fantasies (and jerked off to it) about people they know personally, but would absolutely never think about doing it in real life, and may not even WANT to sleep with them, but the idea of the fantasy may be very titillating. Just as an example, as a young man in my early 20s, I had a couple times fantasized about sleeping with my female boss who was around 50. The fantasy was exciting to me at the time, but in reality, I never would have wanted to sleep with her.
Ignore everyone else. Your boundaries are your boundaries. If he doesn’t want to adhere, you can leave.
This comment goes for all human relationships. Set the slate clean: “Hey ______ friend/ lover/ family member; _____ thing you did/ are doing hurt me / is hurting me. Maybe you didn’t know it hurts me but I’m letting you know now that it does, is a boundary I’m not able to break for my own personal needs, and I would like it to stop. Please respect me on ____ thing.” Try to have this conversation with both asserting your needs while doing your best to give the other person the benefit of the doubt and trying as best as possible to speak without blame. When a person feels blamed / shamed for breaking a boundary - they might only react with defensiveness and not hear you.
Simple solution. Start telling him you're flipping your bean to pictures of his friend group. Actually ask them to text you photos of themselves.
See, all the dudes saying it doesn’t matter would freak if a woman did this
I'm a man, yet I still find this to be troubling behavior. This fantasy is too close to home. I still don't know what OP should do. It feels wrong on a lot of levels.
It’s also creepy to his friends. They would absolutely (and rightly) think he’s a pervert if they knew what he was doing. It’s not hard to just go on the hub and find content of girls you don’t know.
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Exactly this - “oh, btw, I loved your vacation photos…I jerked off to that pic of you in your swimsuit. So, you guys still in for dinner this weekend?”
I’m eating dinner and almost spat it across the table reading this 😂
"Oh yea, wear that tight dress i like so i can jerk off to you later that night"
Yeah. It’s not someone you’ll probably never meet. It’s someone you actually see.
Right? This is like jokingly talking about your ‘list’ with eachother and instead of naming famous people they just rattle off names people in your contacts…
Thank you. This is such a good way to describe it. If he’s sexually attracted or turned on by people they actually know, who knows where it could lead if these people meet in real life? This would be a hard boundary for me. Not only that but as a woman it’s disrespectful as hell IMO. I wouldn’t want to let a man touch/sleep with me if I knew he was wanking it to people we knew. I’m like go be with them then if I’m not enough. It’s considered cheating for me when it’s with people we know directly. Porn stars suck too but the fantasy mostly remains a fantasy…
My ex-wife was fucking my best friend the whole time we were married. If I ever had a partner who got off to pictures of my friends it wouldn't even be a conversation, I'd break up with her on the spot. Hits way too close
Sorry that happened to you; cheating, especially with someone close to you, just totally fucks with your ability to trust for a LONG time, and my ex-husband cheated on me with MY best friend too, so I totally agree that my partner masturbating to people we know who have innocent pictures posted on Instagram would just reactivate too much insecurity and anxiety leftover from what my ex put me through. I hope you found yourself a much better relationship with an honest and faithful wife now.
ikr, only one way to find out. "Let's play a game."
I was gonna say. The first few comments are from guys who couldn't handle that.
My God it’s wild right? Like all the people in the world and your spanking it to people you know? Come on. I love your answer! Just match his energy OP.
You had me until you said text the dudes asking for photos
Yup. I follow a simple rule with these sorts of matters - If I'm unaware of my partner's preference, I ask myself "what would I want her to do in this situation?" And then I behave accordingly. If I'd rather have done something different in that situation and believe it's worth broaching, I'll ask her about it so that I know for next time. It's not rocket science.
Actually contacting them directly for photos would be a whole new level of weird, similar to OP's boyfriend doing that to her friends. Now if those friends had their own insta accounts and she was double-clicking her mouse to that, without telling them, it would be a similar situation.
To be clear, I feel both examples are wrong but asking someone for photos vs using publicly available Instagram photos is different. One of them is creepy and hurtful, one of them is bordering dangerously close to cyber sex; which is adultery in my mind.
"Okay! While we're on the subject, would you send me that picture of Bob from our 4th of July cookout a few years back? No reason in particular..." lol ***LOVE IT!***
Always such a one sided street lol
I'm just gonna say here, and this should be obvious, but if I'm jerking off to a woman I know, it is absolutely because I want to have sex with her. 100%
You’re definitely not n the wrong. I only look at pictures my girl sends me lol
king behavior
Thats the only thing that could get me hard during my relationship. Porn is viable but harder to jerk off to. Why imagine it withsome random person when you have your partner right with you where you can actually do things with.
Goddamn your gf is lucky having a gentleman like you!! The world would be a better place if men were more like you
We stan a faithful king
Take my poor man’s gold 🏆 good men do exist!
He jacks it to photos? Did he time travel back to the early internet porn days? The fuck
He printed them out first.
lol caught a friend in the early 2000s with a stack of printed pictures under his bed of girls from our school. Still give him shit to this day about it
how did he get a bed of girls?
Actually did this in the very early dial-up internet days when it was a bit of a hassle to log on and even a pic took a minute to download. And the family PC was in the living room. Sometimes you just need something handy…no pun intended…
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Sometimes you get desensitized to all the options that the video sites have and you gotta take a step back and think about the elbow grease our grandparents put in to really appreciate how good we have it today. Don't use your Friend's photos though, for obvious reasons.
Now all can think about is my grandmas elbow, thanks a lot
I’ve also jerked it to this man’s grandma’s elbow
Her weenus is so hot Edited: her elbow skin not the band Weatus. Although they are pretty cool too.
Hmmm, grease
In 100 years, people like you will be saying "he jacks it with his own hand to a two-dimentional video on a screen? Did he time travel back to the days before Vulvatron and Immersex were summonable by just a thought to their implant?"
NOT VULVATRON
Vids are fine, but your imagination can do a lot more with the right photo. IF you have an active imagination, that is
For real my first thought when reading this lol like does bro know about pornhub?
Former sex addict here. My toxic horny ass didn’t even do that. That’s wild. Edit: some of you people acting like just jerking off to people you know is normal. It still ain’t normal. Y’all really got something deeper going on there. To other people asking how I stopped. I got rid of outside influences. Reddit and it’s abundance of porn was huge. I started getting rid of my saved, and a lot of the people I was following which I realized was about 95% sex content and nothing really good for me. I’d do it a little at once. If I saw it come in my feed I’d unfollow it. Slowly I started seeing less temptation. Then got rid of my other porn influences, and fetish pages on social media. I realized that I was just scrolling to see the next nsfw thing, whatever it was. Told my partner I needed more sex, it’s important to me, but I also needed to manage it in a healthier way. Luckily that went well. And practice. It slowly gets better but you have to be in the right mindset. It’s easy to get yourself in a hole and think that it’s normal. At my worst I would try finding a girl every other day to hook up, I said whatever I needed to get what I needed, that led to a lot of broken hearts out of my own selfishness and I met some really amazing people that I realized I would have been completely in love with and had an amazing relationship with if I didn’t have this issue. That was the tipping point for me. It felt compulsive, there was never a good feeling afterwards, and there was a lot of loneliness. Oh therapy helped too.
“Former”? Teach me your ways , masta 🤣
This should be the top comment.
Agreed. The number of people trying to normalize this behavior is baffling. How could one justify a married/taken man jerking off to pictures of women he knows? 🤢 Reddit is not real life, it can't be.
Yea idk about that one. I’ve never looked at my friends or friends of my partner and was like let me get the Vaseline.
Ok a lot of men do NOT do that, and he's a weirdo for doing that. He has access to as much porn as he wants through his phone but he decided to jerk it to women he knows. It's honestly creepy Edit: for the people who are bringing up my gender, yes I am in fact a man and know how men think and have many male friends
I would guess that it's probably not all that uncommon, especially with the under 25 crowd. However, it does absolutely mean he wants to fuck that woman.
Who do these people think men and boys jerked off to before the internet? Playboy pictures and people they knew.
Victorias secretes
Your man is a creep, keep your 👀 open
There are some iffy people (both genders)on here normalizing creepy jerking off behavior(using pics of people they know & aren’t F’ing). No wonder women have a hard time finding “nice guys “…
It's so bad I got called a creep.... for saying this isn't okay 💀💀
There was a post (can’t remember the sub) the other day where her boyfriend told her to ‘stop posting pictures online and doesn’t she know her guy friend jerk it to her pictures.’ She was horrified and disgusted that he could even think that…it was a long thread of people trying to convince her it actually happens and her being in denial and then absolutely disgusted and wanting to delete all her social media. There were also lots of comments of other woman who had gone into that sub and read the comment and were so disgusted and saying they never wanted to post on social media again…again woman who had no clue men do that, and considering it creepy and disgusting. And here in this thread you see guys saying ‘but woman post thirst traps knowing what we will do’….no no the don’t necessarily know what guys will do with that picture. Maybe there naive but sometimes people are posting picture because it makes themselves feel good and naively have no clue what men may do with them. Edit. I found the post in my comment history but my phone is being stupid and won’t copy the link for it but it’s titles ‘AITA for calling my boyfriend a “disgusting pig” after he claimed that my male friends masturbate to my pics?’
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I danced too and the amount of men who think boundaries disappear because there's money involved is insane. I can't even count the number of times I had to up and leave a VIP room because of either proposition, or what would rightly be considered sexual assault in any environment. They're completely astounded when you react the way any person would to that behavior too! It's like, my dude, it ain't that kind of party.
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What is the point of a vip room vs just a lap dance isn’t basically the same thing just different environment?
Essentially yes, but it lasts a lot longer. At my club you could start at a half hour and go as long as they were willing to pay per hour after that. It generally began at around $300 for that first half hour. A lap dance is however long a song lasts, so maybe 2 or 3 minutes, and I would regularly charge anywhere from $50-$75 for that. So if someone had the money and wanted to be entertained for longer, a VIP room was the way to go. Also, if you have a group, it's a good way for that group to pick a few dancers they think are cool and hang out with just them for however long they want in their own room. Also, you would not believe how many older men with expendable income get VIP rooms just to talk to you. You don't even have to dance, they literally just want to talk. It happens SO often. Happy Cake Day!
I work in a nursing home and stuff like this happens to me all the time too. You aren’t safe anywhere.
Literally NO WHERE What's crazy is I feel safer in the club then I do during a late night emergency errand at Walmart Literally buying tampons and theres a group of four getting aggressive towards me because I'm not smiling for them. The differences between the way men treat me at the club and everyday life are getting Less And Less noticable My boyfriend wants me to start conceal carrying and his advice might be right
I have thought about having my sister do conceal carry parties just for women. (She shot a house intruder a few years ago.)
Partner is a professional domme. Men like that are the reason they take every step possible to vet clients before meeting and keep multiple people apprised of the where and when.
Okay I had several male friends confess to jerking off to my pics and I have ZERO bikini/provocative pics on my social media. I'm always fully clothed so they have to be jerking off to my face?? That's like a whole new level of gross
seriously! I would be mortified if I were to find out that my friends were doing that to my own photos.
This whole thread just makes me feel gross. I’ve had sexual fantasies about female friends but to go as far as to find pictures of them and jerk off to them is a whole other level. It feels like some men just treat their female friends like a walking spank bank that they can just tap into whenever they feel like, and not as a human being that they respect enough to not do that.
Yeah this thread was a major wake up call for me. Reddit can sometimes be an echo chamber. But the echo is too loud in this thread. Now im double thinking if I want to keep my Instagram. TIL even a private page isn't safe from creeps, because you never know what your followers are doing to and with your photos. Ugh I'm tired.
I’m tired too, but what I’m most tired of is a lot of the men here saying “rather you like it or not, all of your male friends do this to your photos”. It’s very similar language used by pedophiles who go prey after minors and say: “every man has dreamt about being with a 13 year old!”. Some men with really shitty values and morals try bringing other men down with them just so they don’t have to hold themselves accountable for their shitty worldviews. So yeah, it’s not as if all or most men are like this, but at the same time I don’t doubt it’s an uncommon thing either.
It’s so fucking WILD. People are so desentisized to hardcore porn in their pocket 24/7 that they have to turn to people they know in real life to get excited. But no, they’re not mysogynistic, they don’t see women as objects to be used however and whenever they please as allllll. /s This is not normal behavior. Fantasizing about people you know to this extent is going to have consequences. If you think you can dump so many happy hormones into your brain while thinking of these things on the daily without being influenced at all you’re plain stupid.
Yeah and men wonder why women would rather be single nowadays.
I'm actually relieved. These comments seem mostly on the right side. This topic came up on AITA like a month ago and literally every comment was some variation of "100% of guys do this" and I was just in shock. Like wtf.
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Jacking off to a crush is completely normal and healthy. If this guy wasn’t in a relationship I actually wouldn’t think this is all that weird. You can’t police people’s thoughts and fantasies, so if you want to be sure people aren’t jacking off to you, don’t put pics on social media, especially any revealing ones. Unfortunately, he is in a relationship. We all know people get off to all kinds of things, including other people on occasion when in long term relationships, but doing it to people you know and see, people you took time to download their pics of, feels a lot more intimate and real than getting off to some one you just scrolled through on social media, a celebrity, or pulled up on porn. There’s an opportunity for real attraction and feelings to develop bc you know these people. Everytime she’s around them, she knows exactly what type of thoughts are going through his head about people that were supposed to be platonic.
I think crush is okay because normally in my experience when i'm in a relationship I dont crush on people. But this guy is actively searching for photos of female friends while in a relationship.
Agree
Yeah you were a horny teenager. Adults don’t act like this lol. Jacking off to pictures of a woman you know? Ok but it definitely means you want to fuck them
For me, it’s the getting off to what I presume are normal photos. Not thirst traps or explicit photos, just regular photos where they look good. I know people have fantasies, and that’s fine. Might make me feel a lil weird to think about my partner fantasizing about other people we know, but I do it too. However I would feel incredibly uncomfortable if he was getting off to regular photos of our friends. I’m having a hard time putting words to it, but it feels like an invasion of trust for them. And them being (for lack of a better term) victim of some really creepy behavior.
What do nice guys fantasize about? Serious question.
18 naked cowboys in the showers
Nice guys only jerk off to nice girls. No wait, nasty girls I think? No actually they never jerk off. Or fart. Or poo. Nasty guys do.
I think the distinction that is getting lost in a lot of the comments is between having fantasies about people you know and actually using their pictures as a masturbatory aid. It's normal to have fantasies about people you know sometimes, and those fantasies don't necessarily predict real life behavior or reflect real life desires. It's normal for people to sometimes have fantasies like that, even to think about them when masturbating and is not necessarily problematic. However, it's also skeevy to use pictures friends posted in a non-sexual context to get yourself aroused. Whether or not you are in a monogamous relationship. OP and her husband's friends are (probably) not pornstars and would likely feel uncomfortable with him doing that, so he shouldn't do it. They are two separate issues in my book that OP's partner and many people on this thread are conflating.
Ew, no thats weird! Your SO is creepy as fuck
Oh....he definitely wants to fuck them....that doesn't mean he will if he got the opportunity. He's fantasizing.
There's a distinction between fantasy and what someone will do IRL. Even flirting crosses the line. But even if he has no intention of ever doing anything, I think more discussion should be around how it made you feel. It made you uncomfortable and he needs to acknowledge that. You don't need the Internet to pass a verdict. It bothered you and you should have an open conversation about it.
There is so much porn out there... if you jack it to pics of people you know or just randoms you're a creep. And if you think it's not weird try telling them you do it and see how that plays out.
>it doesn’t mean he actually wants to fuck them. Yes it does.
Like, *yes*, but people have a really hard time verbalizing the difference between *want* and *intent to act*. I can't help who I want to fuck (literally every attractive person), I do however control my intent and my action. Very much not defending him, but that specific subject I think is a bit tricky. Does "want" mean , "would pursue if presented an opportunity," or does it mean, "if I didn't have valid reasons to choose not to pursue, I would choose to pursue." Either way, it's creepy to use his friends photos.
My husband watches porn and while I'm not a fan of that, it doesn't bother me nearly as deeply as it would to know he was getting off to pictures of other women that he knew. That's definitely a boundary no man in a committed relationship should ever cross. It's absolutely gateway cheating. I'd tear him a new one.
Hardly ever use insta, but this is a deal breaker. He would immediately break up with you if the roles were reversed. Time for the lesson
Nope that’s terrible. Literally he’s imagining fucking them. What else is the photo for jfc he must think you’re a moron. I’m a man and no you’re not wrong.
Hey OP. First off, I’m sorry for what you must be going through. My friends partner was caught doing this and I was one of many people in their social circle who’s photos have been used for this purpose. It’s extremely violating and our friends that know have told her we no longer feel comfortable being around her partner, and don’t want him around. She’s having a hard time forgiving him, and accepting that her partner isn’t someone she can trust around friends and family. She’s since separated and looking into divorce. I’ve asked male friends about this and pretty unanimously, they said it’s creepy behavior. Don’t listen to his attempts to normalize this. He’s in damage control mode. This is a disturbing lack of sexual boundaries. Consider if these icky feelings you have now are something you’re willing to deal with for the rest of your lives together, because they’re going to be re-triggered in social settings to come.
This one
I find it creepy he’s beating his meat to an Instagram picture. Watch some porn like a normal human you damn weirdo.
no you’re not wrong. that’s a lame move on his part and y’all should have a discussion
That’s what we in the Reddit world callllll gas lighting! “You’re the weird one for thinking I want to fuck someone I’m touching my dick thinking about! Stupid idiot!”
As a single man, I may have jerked off to Instagram profiles of people I think are hot. People in the greater group of friends. Not girlfriends of friends, or wives etc. What your guy is doing is a little off if you ask me. If he is in a committed relationship and needs to jerk off, there are plenty of other things out there to entertain. If it’s too close to home, it’s not the one.
It's just plain weird to jerk off to someone's profile, they have porn for a reason.
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This whole conversation is wild to me. I (46m) went through puberty pre-internet. I lived in a small town where porn wasn't really available. All we had for the spank bank was actresses and people we knew well enough to picture from memory. Looking up their pictures is somehow weird to me as well. Like if you took pictures of someone back in the day, had them developed, and used them it would have been wildly out of line. But at the heart of it sexual fantasy is just that, fantasy. Feeling you get to police your partners fantasies seems like a crazy possessive thing. Having said that, my mores were set in a time where this conversation was not possible, much less relevant. I can see where it is a normal outgrowth of boundary setting in the social media age. Shit is still surreal to me somehow.
If you had a best friend that was 10X hotter than you, you would be okay with every single one of your girlfriends fantasizing about him? That wouldn’t chip away at your self esteem over time?
Guys have fantasies about hot women they know. Some guys use pictures because it enhances their imagination. Is it unethical? That’s another debate. I do think a lot of guys do this but just won’t admit it because it definitely comes off as creepy. Also this is Reddit where 90% of the males on here have never touched a vagina so be careful about trusting some of these answers.
i understand if its OF or any kind of pornography. but the red flag is not he jerkoff on insta photo , but on his friends photos. or maybe its normal for him for being perverted jerking off friends photos
You should clearly communicate what you're comfortable with, what the boundaries are, and make sure he understands them. Then, after that, if those boundaries are crossed, you can take reasonable action.
Whenever someone tries to justify something and says "A lot of men do it" the majority of time is that no, most men don't do it.
I almost left my partner in the beginning of our relationship for this, along with constantly liking thirst traps of girls he actually knows. It’s disrespectful, gross, and violating on the other end of it. I just remember asking myself why he didn’t prefer me, this was in the beginning mind you. Being in a relationship comes with boundaries and there is no right or wrong; it’s however you feel safe! I personally did not want him pleasing himself over other women; ESPECIALLY women he knows. So the next time he sees her, his brain will literally flash back to what he did and forget about you being in that moment anymore. My now husband, doesn’t even use Instagram anymore. He couldn’t stop liking inappropriate things and had porn addiction because of it. At points, he would reject me and go jerk in the next room! I was over it, I was rock bottom and insecure. I told him, it’s me, or pixels. Choose. And he chose me… if your partner can sacrifice an entire mindset, than they are truly a keeper. It’s a respect thing. Whether it’s normal or not, you are choosing someone over your partner when doing that. Also, it makes your partner insecure. Is it worth doing it when the damage is so much more than just using your partners picture? You are allowed to have feelings. If you don’t, you’ll live in a relationship feeling resentment and disrespected. It’s okay to have boundaries for something like this. It’s healthy.
So I was looking for additional updates in your post, and you really should have included this information. As a woman in tech, I got strong "your husband is sexist" vibes from your story, not that he doesn't believe in you in particular. Especially how his family also talked. It's shit I've heard before and when it's coming from men in the same family, there's typically a reason. This is just confirmation of that. He always saw women as just objects. This comment about how he chose you isn't a win. He picked an object he could fuck over ones he couldn't. He never chose to see women as people, which your other post makes clear. This is harsh as fuck for me to say, but I hate how you're framing this behaviour as something someone can overcome, when clearly it's not. (Edit: I mean that love / a relationship / a woman can overcome. The man has to want to unlearn misogynistic behaviour, and unlearning is possible.) Women should walk away from men who do this stuff. Or they'll just end up wondering, years later, why their partner doesn't see them as a whole person, when this red flag about a man's opinion on women was there the whole time. Anyway since I've been a whole arse arsehole here, I do want to reiterate that you're qualified for tech! Please come and join me in the suffering that is being a woman in techland. And may it be just a wonderful and fulfilling experience for you!
Male here can confirm never have had the urge to jerkoff to my friends pictures like some weirdo.
I asked 4 men I know if this is something men do, if it's normal. Each and every one of them said absolutely not. They don't jerk off to friends or coworkers. They did, in fact, say that's creepy. My husband offered a bit more with generally, when playing whack a mole, while looking at a picture, that is very specific, I want to bang that person, fantasy. That is very ick. You know he ain't pulling his peen thinking her tank top looks like Egyptian cotton or that her necklace is heirloom. That is just ick.
I just busted a nut to your Reddit avatar
Not all heroes wear capes.
So three out of those for lied to you. What do you expect as an answer to that question? “Sure, I wank one off to your Insta all the time, keep those bikini pics coming”.
Men just won't admit it to the wrong crowd, but every single man has done it even of they actively don't do it now.
If you are dating a man, he was fantasizing having sex with you before you were intimate.
Since you probably made it clear just how judgemental you really are about the topic, the 4 men probably lied to you.
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Four men were asked by one of their female friends if it was normal for men to jerk off to pictures of their female friends. Do you see why they might lie to you there? I think the methodology section of this study is going to need to have a lengthy discussion of why the data gathering technique used was sound. It’s definitely in poor taste but I’m honestly confused why so many people here are astonished this sort of thing happened. What were the photos like? Isn’t it one of the primary purposes of instagram to serve as an exchange of plausibly deniable thirst traps from closeted vain airheads to horny shameless losers? It’s a very different scenario if he’s looking at the album from the beach bachelorette party or the third kid’s first communion. Also would it actually have been better if OP walked in on husband watching porn? Beyond the purely speculative discussions of taboos and kinks, I’d imagine at least part of husband’s cost-benefit analysis is that you can at least try and spin looking at instagram photos as something more dignified than straight up porn. Obviously he still got caught like a doofus, but we need to know more about the nature of their relationship and OPs attitudes towards porn.
Hahaha as if they would come forward, if it were true. Your ignorance pains me