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One of the worst thing you can do to someone with anxiety is hint at things instead of saying them directly. This will only add to her anxiety as she’s not sure what’s wrong but you make her feel like something is wrong
It’s not fun to be told something negative like that, but it’s worse to live in constant anxiety around you
How she handles the truth is out of your hands but it’s also good to know how she deals with conflict at this point in the relationship
But tell her and be honest, this way you’ll both feel more secure around each other, knowing you can communicate and that you will tell directly if something is wrong so no need for second guessing
Edit: typo
If you want to soften it, but still be direct?
"Babe, were you in a rush getting here after you got ready to leave the house? I think you might have forgotten to wear deodorant."
It's a good way to start a conversation without going the "You are always smelly" route.
this is horrible, its the hinting and not being direct. If you can be direct about it and show that it doesn't bother you that sweating=body odor during the hot months, she has a chance to address the problem and feel comfortable with asking for feedback or knowing that if its still an issue that you will say something instead of constantly wondering if she has enough deodorant when she is visiting and if something else you say is hinting that she still smells.
Yeah, I love how people tell OP to be direct then give the most ambiguous suggestion on how to avoid any conflict and be as indirect as possible, and it’s massively updooted.
My girlfriend and I (both 26f) usually just go up to each other in a kind, yet silly voice and simply say, “You’re a little stinky, baby!” and that gets the job done, lol. As long as you say what you want to say in a loving & nonjudgmental way, she should be fine!
Me (f) and my boyfriend also do exactly this, and not once has anyone got their feelings hurt. It's always way easier to be direct if you make it a cutesy/jokey situation
Me n my bf have been together long enough we no longer need to be cute, I’ll be like dude you smell like a sandwich left in a hot car, or he might exclaim, get away from me you smell like a taco truck in July 😂
Yea, I'm thinking with most people that have been together for a while this isn't an issue, but maybe I'm wrong. If my wife was like, "You smell." My only reaction to that would be to take a shower, as a matter of fact someone's she'll say that I smell like I've been outside, which feels like a nice way of saying I stink (so I just take it as that), but I don't feel like it's direct enough, outside doesn't always smell bad.
You smell like outside is a nice way to put it 😂 what kinda outside she means makes a difference tho lol the other day he told me I smell like lavender hampster cage or some shit like that 😂 I see it as a kindness, it’s harder to smell yourself as much as other can smell you and they’re looking out for you, and everyone stinks sometimes, me especially bc my hormones are all over the place
Yea, she might not always mean it as smelling bad, but I think it's better to assume so. Like i hate chewing gum, but if someone offers me a piece I assume it's a nice way of them saying I need it so I always accept. I'd rather not smell bad and address it than smell bad and not address it. I love lavender hampster cage, it feels worse than just a hampster cage. Lol.
The problem with the Golden Rule (treat others the way you want to be treated) is that literally every guy who sent an unsolicited dick pic was treating the recipient thereof exactly the way he'd like to be treated. He'd probably be thrilled if a random woman sent him a pic of her genitals out of the blue.
I got one of the those unsolicited vagina pics before. I wasn’t opposed but the skin tone around her vag looked like yellow sweat stain and it was really off putting. 😂
Long time ago as kid...but still recall it decades later, I put my makeup on in the dark/predawn in the car on way to school...when ready to exit, my Dad calmly said "you may want to check your blush" it was a disaster & saved me...I always thought it came across as very tactful & no harm done.
As an adult, I did split a small hole in shorts at gym & a guy said something similar "you may want to check your shorts, I think you got a hole in them" I simply tied my jacket around & then checked, small hole in seam of butt, lol, but kept jacket tied & finished up, it was no big deal. I think the "checking" or asking for confirmation works well.
I would just say "hey, so I don't mean to hurt your feelings in anyway, but it's been getting warm out and I've noticed you've got a bit of BO happening. It doesn't make me like you any less, but it noticeable and I'd like it if you would tell me the same thing!" Be direct but in a kind way. Worst case Ontario, she gets horribly offended and quits talking to you (which in that case, maybe not GF material if something as simple as that would cause such a reaction). Or, best case scenario, she starts wearing more deodorant for you.
Another possibility is if she is anxious, she may be putting on deodorant before she comes over, but sweats a little more than others do and the deodorant wears off. I know that I am someone who sweats a lot, which as a woman, I find embarrassing and always carry deodorant in my vehicle for that reason haha. Maybe you could go out and buy some cheap deodorant for her to have at your place? You could also buy a toothbrush and some shampoo/conditioner as well so it doesn't seem like you're directly telling her she stinks! Haha she will likely just find it thoughtful of you to supply her things like that.
Hahaha oh it wasn't autocorrect! It's a quote from a tv show that has just stuck with me out of habit 😂😂 "worst case Ontario" and "it's not rocket appliances" are things I say out of habit even when I don't mean to in serious conversations 🙈
A couple of important points when having a difficult conversation. Don't sugar coat it, don't do a bunch of hemming and hawing, that will just make the person anxious. Getting to the point is better. Also, it's good not to blindside the person and let them no straight up you want to bring up something difficult/uncomfortable. I think it's best to use verbiage you are more comfortable with, but if you want an example of what I would go with to work from there.
"Hey, I wanted to bring something up to you that's a little bit uncomfortable for me to say, and probably a little uncomfortable for you to hear. Nothing bad, just awkward. Is now a good time, or would you prefer to discuss it later?"
On the off chance she says later, "Okay, let me know when you're ready to chat."
Otherwise, "Now that it's starting to heat up, and you're sweating more it's become noticeable sometimes that you aren't wearing deodorant. I wanted to let you know because I figure you don't notice it, and if it were me I would want to know."
You should mentally prepare for her to get defensive about it just in case, but more often than not even when people initially react defensively in the moment they just need some time to process and will come around and even appreciate you telling them.
I think that's too much...anxiety just thinking about "uncomfortable/need to discuss" go with the "may want to check, think you forgot deoderant today" or "doing somehing different? Noticed your deoderant failing"
you could ask if she wants to shower together first to go a more indirect route, you could also just say “hey do you need deodorant? ik its 1000 degrees in here so i have extra on deck”. or “hey babe i think youre so great, please dont take this as me saying otherwise. i know its super hot out though and i think you need to put on some deodorant or pop in the shower. i probably do too tbh!” or just “hey hun, you need a shower” depending on your comfort level. ive been w my bf for a long while now but when he starts to get stinky, i just tell him “dude you stink. you need a shower” and he smells himself and says “oh yep youre right!”
When you need to deliver unpleasant news, be clear and direct, but as much as you can let the person know you care about them. And if you start to feel uncomfortable, the worst thing you can do is back off on the message - instead increase the statements that you care about them and want the best for them. It’s a spinach in the teeth or your fly is down conversation. This is something that hopefully she could remedy with a shower, deodorant, something. If you or anyone else want more information about this strategy check out Kim Scott and Radical Candor - applies to work and any other relationships. And if her BO is a deeper medical issue, that’s possible though not likely, and she may need feedback that she needs to look into it. Good luck, I know this is awkward.
Even though u know not new or a change...Ask "did you switch deoderant?" When asks why...say "it doesn't seem to work as well" or just say "I think your new deoderant isn't working as well" or mention you are having deoderant failure & noticed she has too & you guess it due to it getting hotter...maybe put yourself in same boat or if she says "she doesn't notice it about you tell her you work hard to not let it happen & describe products & routine & ask well what do you do?
Agree completely.
To add on, one of the best pieces of advice I ever got was to not tell people something if they can’t correct it right then… so don’t tell her when you’re heading out.
As someone with anxiety who had this exact thing brought up to me by an ex, THIS, just be direct. He was very nice about it. At the time I hadn't used deodorant — I was a late bloomer to body odor (and all things puberty), hadn't started being an issue until I was in my late teens. My boyfriend at the time just asked me if I used deodorant up front, and I told him no, it hadn't been something I needed before. He let me know it was probably time to start, I bought some, and that was that.
See if she has a reason, too. I have broken out from some deodorants due to sensitive skin and finally found a brand that works for me after some trial and error. If that's an issue, you can always help her research!
Good luck, and don't stress! If she's receptive, it's a green flag!
Just mention to her that her current deodorant isn’t working. That way the deodorant (or the absence of it) gets the blame, and you’re not criticizing her directly.
I'm Sorry- I can see how I didn't make my meaning clear. I was referring to the idea of removing the 'blame' one step from the person, being the hint I got from this comment about how to handle sticky situations more diplomatic while not sacrificing directness, ie tell her her DEODORANT has stopped working, rather than saying YOU stink. It's just tactful. I appreciate new tips in my quiver for smoother communications. 😁
I overreacted, sorry you felt the need to say sorry. I think personally this thread strikes a nerve with me, I am so anxious I always feel people are hinting things when they are not. You seem cool!! It is never a bad thing to want to protect someone's feelings. Maybe I will also take note
That's ok. This is a potential landmine of a subject!! I have had the same issue and know just what you mean. I often feel kinda spooky, like something is happening just beyond my comprehension and it's gonna GIT ME!!! Did you have Narcissistic parents? That can really unhinge our faith in ourselves!
I think that's why I'm always looking for ways to be kind yet honest- two things my parents could never quite figure out!
Cheers!
yeah just tell her.
a girl once told me my breath didn’t smell great when i was 20. ever since then if im ever single and going out for a late night you better believe i have some gum on me.
Whenever I brush my teeth so 2-3 times a day and I have disposable one time use ones in the car and office.
Not having one makes me feel sooo gross now.
I swear it's helped prevent me from getting sick and helps breath 100%. It kind of makes sense that if you're removing germs that you would normally swallow, you would get sick less often.
PSA: Sometimes the bad breath is a digestive issue rather than a dental one. Tonsil stones are also responsible for bad breath so check for those. Sometimes people can brush their teeth and scrape their tongues 5+ times a day and it wouldn't fix the problem they have, because the cause lies elsewhere
I was 35 and it was horrible but I had too many severe sore throats each year and this made this problem go away
I don’t advise getting it just because tonsil stones are annoying
I was 23 when I had mine removed, yes it sucked but it was absolutely worth it. Stock up on popsicles and freezies and liquid meal replacements, ice cream is good too but it made me sick for some reason.
I don’t think you’ll find a way to say this without it at least stinging. She’s anxious which means she’s in her head about things and will internalize it. Say it the way you’d want to hear it. If the relationship is important to her, it won’t be a dealbreaker. You’re gonna have a lot of tougher conversations as your relationship progresses and this can serve as a test to see if your communication styles clash.
Both of you will be fine no matter and if you can’t find the words to say it, give her a very luxurious deodorant/body spray set! If you have any luck, she’ll associate the smell with you and feel compelled to wear it?
This. Treat her like a princess: soapy tub, fluffy towel, foot massage, the works. Women love this stuff. After you brush her hair and apply some product, compliment her and tell her how much you love how "pretty she smells."
I think this would be a really sweet idea to do for her maybe the day after telling her. That way she can know ur still attracted and interested in her. Coming from an overly sensitive anxious girl w BPD
"Oh god, yesterday he told me I smell bad, and now today he's trying to entice me to get into a bathtub so he can scrub me himself since he thinks I don't scrub myself good enough!" -Anxiety.
I like the gift idea. Maybe even make it a quest for both of them. They can go to the store and both smell different ones, "Oh I like this one", "Me too!", "Oh this one is even better!"
Then try out a number of them over a few days/weeks.
"That one smelled good but doesn't hold up very well. Whereas this one smells ok but works really well."
Getting over the initial awkwardness is the hardest part. But, if they can get through that, then they'll be that much stronger.
I have a sweating issue, and well I'm with that all the time so occasionally I end up nose blind to the fact I smell like I've just done a marathon.
If someone pulls me aside and says something like: hey hun I can smell you from a bit away, you all good? I'm not offended. Tho I've also had a long time to deal with this.
She might get offended, tho it'll be embarrassment vs actual anger. If it's something also she responds with why does everyone say that to me.. it might be worth pointing out it can be a medical thing and there's easy ways to help.
I use deodorant from the chemist and I also have these shirts and singlet tops actually designed to soak in and trap that smell basically. I use an Aussie brand called sweat shield undershirts.
Hell I work in hospitality and encourage all my kitchen staff to get these shirts and help them pay for it, as after 10hrs in the kitchen there's absolutely no way deodorant can cover the smell.
You’re both adults. Just tell her she stinks. For all we know she may be using that “natural” shit and she’s nose blind to her own smell as most of them are. I had to tell my bf at the time in hs this as his was BAD as well and that was the last time he stunk around me.
As someone with bad anxiety myself it’s horrible advice to be told not to tell someone they don’t smell. Just be kind about it and don’t make gross faces.
This. I met so many people that don’t use deodorant or natural shit and claim they don’t stink. Source their loved ones that lied. Trust me, they stank.
Anosmia is a real thing.I have two friends who had Traumatic Brain Injuries and lost their sense of smell. It must suck because stepping in dog shit is my worst nightmare.
I like to think my BO isn't bad, but who knows? My dental hygienist tells me that my breath isn't bad and that she would tell me if it was. I'm still suspicious of her claims, but it was still a huge relief to me.
You can have anosmia even absent a TBI.
Source: I have had it for life. For some stages in life (pregnancy, etc) it's less severe in intensity, and I can start smelling more stuff. Other times the scent has to be overpoweringly bad for me to detect. Pretty sure I was never dropped on my head or had a TBI. I am neurodivergent though, that might be what contributed to it.
I’d be honest. Tell her the truth very nicely. It’s like when you get lipstick on your teeth… you’d want someone to tell you. I’d want to know personally…Maybe she doesn’t realize…. Desensitized to the smell.
Just remember the golden rule when delivering bad news... the compliment sandwich. Give her a compliment, say your concern, but end with something positive about her.
Just tell her? Relationships start with honesty and as someone with anxiety I’d rather someone I know tell me I smell bad than a stranger. Please just tell her even if she gets upset it’ll help her out in the end and if she does get mad that’s on her you were being honest.
Keep sniffing your armpits like you think you might stink. Gradually do it more frequently. Excuse yourself to put on some more deodorant. Apologize to her for your deodorant failing. Continue to snif yourself after you have freshened up.
Maybe she will offer a reason for her body odor. Culture, allergies, doesn't like the bad chemicals, raised in a hippy commune. Then you can have a conversation about it.
On the positive side, you don't have to worry about wearing deodorant around her.
(sorry...I'm very detailed 🤪🤣)
I would say...
I need to talk to you about something and I've been very hesitant about it because I really like you and I enjoy spending time with you which is why I'm having this conversation with you. You are so much fun and I want us to continue and learn more about each other, so the last thing I want to do is hurt you in any way. There's something bothering me and I decided I'd want someone to tell me if the situation was reversed, especially because it's something that happens to most people and can be easily taken care of. I've noticed that I'm smelling a bit of body odor when you're around. I know it's been hotter lately, so I'm sure that's why. Please don't be embarrassed. It's something easy to fix and we won't talk about it again.
I think the build up would make me more anxious/embarrassed. I would just say 'hey can we talk? Maybe we need to switch up your deodorant because you've been smelling a bit of BO recently. No need to be embarrassed, I get it too.'
this is the literal worst way you could possibly phrase it when talking to an anxious person, and the buildup is making it seem like its a big deal or an embarrassment. wayyyyyy too wordy and backpedaly lol.
Sounds way too much and kind of creepy to tell someone they smell. Just tell them they smell, wrapping it up like a care bear/therapy session is weird. Stop bubble wrapping people, that's what leads to this "anxiety epidemic"
Here's a way more fun/intimate solution provided you guys already hook up: just take a shower with her and watch how she cleans herself. If she's lacking use that as a time to clean her yourself while advising as necessary about your hygiene expectations. It's pretty easy to have your deodorant ready and then ask if she needs some and if she says no just give her a look and say "Here's some neutral spray, if you tell me a brand you like I'll pick up some you to keep here while you're staying over"
I had to do this with two partners in the past, so while it was honestly pretty annoying to feel obligated to do so they fortunately picked up on it pretty fast and I didn't have to bring it up again nor did it start a fight.
No not at all, there's nothing inherently childish about stinking without realizing it. Happens to the best of us from time to time and a person might just need a kind nudge to fix it. Could be something inane like they didn't realize their new deodorant brand isn't working for them. But your strategy sounds kinda weird and passive aggressive and patronizing. Sounds like how a parent would treat their small child in the bath tub.
Be upfront and honest about it, she probably has no idea. The longer you hide it from her, the more embarrassed she’s going to be when you decide to tell her
Personally I would say “hey, I noticed you don’t wear deodorant. Is there a reason why? Are you allergic?” Hey, plus maybe there really is a reason.
And she’ll get the hint 🤷♀️ I understand not wanting to just come out and say “hey, you smell” to someone you’re not super comfortable with yet.
Just bring it up as if it's no big deal. Ask her if she forgot to put on deodorant and if she asks why, say that you noticed she smells a little.
I mean, if you smelled, you'd surely want her to tell you right?
As someone with anxiety disorder, please tell her. She could be nose blind and may not smell herself. I noticed the last time we hung out you had a body odor, is everything ok with you health wise? “. You can come from of a place of concern while still disclosing that she stinks. But just don’t ignore it because it’s not going your way go away.
“hey, don’t want to add any stressors. But I have noticed that your body smell/odor is different these days. Is everything ok? Can I help in any way? I’m happy to buy/help you get whatever you need to change this, including changing our diet up a bit if that helps. I do not want this to come off offensive in anyway, just trying to help as well as be honest.” as an older sister, wife, and mother, this is how I have approached this subject. The second they apologize I say there is no reason to apologize, and I don’t want you to be embarrassed, I would just like to help you and get this remedied. good luck.
She might not have been taught proper hygiene and/or does not have good circumstances to stay clean.
I was only allowed 1 bath per week with 2 inches of water in the tub until I got a job could join a gym at 18 and showered there daily. I bought my own soap and deodorant myself before that due to my 💩 parent
Encourage her to shower there and get her different soap and deodorant to try.
Casually ask, “is that me?! Or you?” Then sweetly ask if she needs deodorant…if you notice she feels bad just let her know you care about her and just looking out for her, like hopefully she’d do for you.
"Hey babe, are you in a place where I can talk about something I worry will hurt your feelings? Yes? Ok, I've noticed your body odor is getting very strong as the weather has warmed up. Do you use deodorant, or are you open to start using it?"
And then see how she responds.
You can't realistically date someone who's smell is turning your stomach. If she's not open to using deodorant than you two just aren't compatible, and that's ok too.
I once went on date. Afterwards we’re sitting in the car talking. My date had a booger in her outer nostril that kept gently swinging like a green leaf on a breezy summer day. I told her “You have a booger”. She said “oh my god how embarrassing!” I said “no worries. Better I tell you then letting other people see it”. Moral of the story, sometimes you just gotta let it rip.
If you care about someone and their long term feelings or life you gotta have the tough conversations. That’s what makes partners or friends the “good friends “. We look out for the ones we love or care about. A quick ,frank private conversation can save them humiliation ,haters and belittling for the rest of the 99.99999% general public.
What do you know about the rest of her life?
Just buy one …. Tell her you got it by mistake and ask if she wants it. If she takes it and uses it, it is possibly a financial issue. If she refuses, ask why? It might be a religious or allergies.
I dated a woman with similar issues. It was simply stress related on her part. We all produce stress odors if we are stressed enough. We have been married for nearly a decade and she never smells. Simply scared initial dating jitters caused her to be stressed. Hope yours is as simple.
I did this with a friend once don’t know if it works for you but I took her to the mall and we walked around then I took her to the pharmacy because ‘I needed to buy a new deodorant’ and I recommended one to her because it works wonders for me and then we went by the perfume section and we smelt a few and she picked her favourite but the key is you also have to buy a deodorant so it doesn’t look weird and try going around to other sections like makeup if she likes that or new skincare you get the idea
Just tell her that your apartment is a bit hot and you want to freshen up for her, so you don't unfavorable for her. Leave out a gender neutral smelling deodorant and body spray after you're done. Maybe she'll follow suit and do the same.
If she doesn't, then next visit ask her if you can buy her a gift of a nice perfume you found and thought she might like.
My ex fiancé always told me I had an odor so she hated kissing me but never helped me figured out where. Now I’m so self conscious and wonder if every guy that ends things, thinks the same but doesn’t tell me. I have yet to figure it out if a) there is an odor or b) she was just being manipulating (she was mentally abusive so def could have been that). So tell her and help her figure out what smells so she can properly take care of it 💕
If you can't even have this conversation with her how are you guys going to navigate the difficult conversations in the future? If you two can't discuss hygiene like adults it doesn't bode well for your communication when things get really hard.
Easy. Buy her a fancy set of deodorant, body splash and body gel.
If she's anxious, start the conversation on the subject like: "Ooh, I think the deodorant I'm currently using is not working. Has it ever happened to you?". Joke about her smelling your arms and then you do the same on her, and that would be the exact perfect time to tell her.
There's no need to be harsh, you can still be loving and caring and make your point.
Tell her but also get some for her. That way she is not sitting there “stewing” in her stinky thoughts. The issue can be remedied immediately. Not sure how she would take you buying some but I would prob leave immediately to fix the issue if someone told me that.
Don't tell her about your house stinking for hours.
Don't be subtle, but do be kind.
"I just wanted to let you know that I can smell your body odor." Tell her she doesn't have to be embarrassed.
Just be honest w her. I've told my husband "oh babe, you're ripe today, go hop your fine ass in the shower" w a smile on my face.
You could also buy some Lume deoderant (the best) & leave it on the counter for her.
I thought this was happening with my boyfriend for a while, but it turns out he had a skin infection. I’m 99.999% sure your gf just has BO, but just something to keep in mind. There might be a medical basis for it.
She could be using a brand that isn’t working. As a male, I just grabbed whatever was on special (nivea or brut) and my partner only bough rexona.
It was becoming an issue so I bought the female version of the brand I buy. Turns out it was just the deodorant itself, didn’t do anything for her and the one I bought worked and was very long lasting. Just food for thought. Mabye approach her about the brand and just suggest “hey let’s go have a look next time we’re at the shops”
Or if your ever shopping in the isle, spray one on your hand and give her the “babe, this smells gorgeous you should try this one next time, i love it!”. The part here is to remember the “get this NEXT time” if you don’t want to rattle her anxiety or something and insinuate she has b.o
I don’t think YTA bit here is the thing . It’s not the girls fault and hear me out .
If you introduced kindness over pettiness to your kids it will be better for everyone in the long run. This girl is going to feel like she did something wrong her whole life if someone doesn’t offer her some kindness . Her sisters giving her some clothes could help. A small birthday gift and Christmas gift from your girls could help. It will also help you . I get you hate him and I don’t blame you but it’s not good to do things out of spite . I know this from experience and now I try to do better .
"Endearing nickname, I've noticed, since it's gotten warmer you smell really sweaty. I think your deodorant isn't working and it's really bothering me. I didn't want to hurt or embarass you, but it's an easily fixable thing and I'd wanna know if my deodorant wasn't doing what it's supposed to."
Might also be, that she needs to shower and change clothes after work. When I had a physically more demanding job, that's what I had to do. Just freshen up, put on deodorant and get on a fresh shirt.
Hey babe, I’m gonna order this 12 pack of deodorant but it’s too many for just myself. Do you want a few or what’s your go to?
Find out and BUY the one she uses. Give it to her. Then next time say something like “I notice you’re not wearing it.” Get her to want to put it on for you.
Unless she’s like an anti-deodorant/ “all natural” hippie.Then you’re fucked.
I’d get her a sample Lume kit they have body wash and deodorant and sit her down with it. She may have a medical condition and doesn’t realize it’s that bad.
Is she middle eastern by any chance? It's kind of a cultural thing with them to have a lot of body musk odor... My best advice is if you don't like it, politely move on to a woman who you thoroughly enjoy the smells of. You should be able to take big wiffs of her direct head and skin in direct contact and still be madly in love with wanting to be close to your woman. The thing with the girl you're dating is, there's someone out there who absolutely loves the smell of her BO. That person is just not you, bud.
Just tell her in the nicest way you can. It will probably hurt her feelings, but this how communication and relationships work. I’ve had similar talks with my wife through the years. She acts hurt, but the problem goes away and she’s mature enough not to let it become an issue.
How about bathing. Is she adverse to taking a shower? Some people just stink. The stinkers need to stay together. If she stunk up the room for hours, she may just be a very stinky person or she doesn’t bathe. Even deodorant won’t fix that level of stench.
Be like, "Hey babe, not to hurt your feelings or anything but you need to start wearing deodorant". Then make sure you have a dozen different ones for her to choose from.
Or, tell her to get her stank ass in the shower.
About 10 years ago, after a long ride on a hot bus i got into the office and some random dude pulled me aside and told me i had bad BO, at fire I was stuck but i understood that effect the people I work with in a closed office.
If I could I would thank him for that, as now I’m always try to small good and keep myself in check
Just tell her very gently and obviously in private about it.
I tend to be kinda messy when I eat, believe me I’ve tried to be better but it’s a struggle. My ex and I were having dinner one day with his parents and him and his dad were talking about this lunch my ex had been invited to with his boss and they started joking about this guy’s table manners. The dad said something like “oh and how many silverware passes did he do?” Or something snobby like that and they kept joking about it. Dinner ends and they are still talking about it and my ex goes “oh god when I met you your table manners were horrible! It looked like you were raised in the jungle” I had never felt so humiliated before. He had never mentioned anything about it before (I was aware of my messiness before this, but he had never said anything about it to me) and it just made me feel like they had probably been making fun of my the whole time. They come from money and I am an immigrant from South America, so I always felt very inadequate around them to begin with and this was a huge hit to my self-esteem at the time.
My current boyfriend though just makes sure of cleaning around my mouth with a napkin anytime we finish our meal and I’ve gotten dirty, or makes me a gesture so I do so myself. We joke about it because yes, it is ridiculous that I am still so messy at 25 but he’s always very respectful and sensible about the whole thing.
How about--
Hey Babe, as the temperature has started getting warmer, I have noticed that your natural body odor is getting stronger. I would hate for a stranger to say something about it or make a rude comment , so I thought as your boyfriend it was my duty to let you know.
I am so very thankful that we love (if you are comfortable with saying you love her), respect and trust each other enough to be honest with each other.
How about we go out for ice cream?
This is a slightly different question - how do you address clothing that has gotten BO smells locked into it, even if the person wearing it smells fine? Is there a solution to that?
Are you sure she’s not wearing deodorant? If so, just straight up say it’s getting hot out; we’re all sweating more, time for deodorant use in the house! In like a silly tone. Ifffff she is wearing deodorant it may be the brand. I switched deodorant brands once and whatever was in it didn’t react well with my natural PH or whatever and I smelled like a bridge troll in July. So. Just talk to her. If you have a healthy relationship it should be super easy
Is her birthday coming up soon? What you can do is make a cute spa basket for her to use and wear. Get her some bath bombs, some new lotion and perfume, maybe get her a new book, some facial masks and put some of her favorite candy and snacks in the basket so it won’t scream ‘you stink take a shower!’ Make it like it’s a stress relief basket so she doesn’t suspect anything
Does she have a place to put things like deodorant or toothbrush, other hygiene things at your home? If she’s spending the night often she needs to at least have a drawer in the bathroom to keep those things. Part of the problem that she doesn’t have tools to maintain her hygiene when she stays over maybe? . You might even add that to the conversation you’re spending more time over here and I wanna make sure that you feel comfortable and I wanted to give you some space to have some of your own when you stay over. You could buy her some deodorant and a toothbrush and things, and put them in her drawer
Hi baby,sweet heart or her name. It's getting hot and we both sweating. I noticed your having a little smell. Hope your not offended just letting you know. I wouldn't want someone else telling you that. Do you need extra deodorant? Idk I'm trying to sound nice. Only once I told SO that his under arm was a little smelly. He quickly shower & put deodorant & cologne. Now he makes sure he's 💯% fresh. Nothing wrong with being honest. You sure don't want a stranger off the streets saying "wash your butt* that's worse
Too many people here trying to be too cute with it. Please dont buy her deodorant, ask to shower together, go shopping for deodorant for yourself or any of that stuff, it will be obvious and patronizing, especially if there is some medical reason for the odor or not wearing deodorant.
Just be honest with her, the one comment explaining up front that you like her but need to talk about this thing that is bothering you was pretty dead on. She has anxiety but it will not kill her to have a conversation about this. I am almost positive she will appreciate the honesty.
“Hey (gf’s name) it’s been really warm lately and I think the deodorant you’re using isn’t working as well as usual lately. I really love hanging out with you all the time, and I know this sort of thing is never fun to hear. I don’t want you to feel self conscious, but I also don’t want to keep this from you and have you think I’m acting weird with you.
I cleared out a little spot in my bathroom cabinet in case you want to keep anything here. I know for me my deodorant wears out half way through the day and I have to reapply it. You’re always still welcome here, I just want to make sure we’re both comfortable.”
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One of the worst thing you can do to someone with anxiety is hint at things instead of saying them directly. This will only add to her anxiety as she’s not sure what’s wrong but you make her feel like something is wrong It’s not fun to be told something negative like that, but it’s worse to live in constant anxiety around you How she handles the truth is out of your hands but it’s also good to know how she deals with conflict at this point in the relationship But tell her and be honest, this way you’ll both feel more secure around each other, knowing you can communicate and that you will tell directly if something is wrong so no need for second guessing Edit: typo
Thank you. That’s what I was leaning towards as well, I’m just not sure how to word it.
If you want to soften it, but still be direct? "Babe, were you in a rush getting here after you got ready to leave the house? I think you might have forgotten to wear deodorant." It's a good way to start a conversation without going the "You are always smelly" route.
this is good
And make she you say it in private....
this is horrible, its the hinting and not being direct. If you can be direct about it and show that it doesn't bother you that sweating=body odor during the hot months, she has a chance to address the problem and feel comfortable with asking for feedback or knowing that if its still an issue that you will say something instead of constantly wondering if she has enough deodorant when she is visiting and if something else you say is hinting that she still smells.
Yeah, I love how people tell OP to be direct then give the most ambiguous suggestion on how to avoid any conflict and be as indirect as possible, and it’s massively updooted.
“Hey babe, you smell like ass”
Damn girl you got some funky fumes coming off of you
I usually tell wifey that she’s a bit ripe.🤣
Loool give her that sour warhead face
Right!
I tell my guy the same thing!
Haha, nice
Using this on my boyfriend. Stinky gamer man lmfaoo
I can relate to this sometimes🤦🏾♀️
Fuck whoever downvoted this response it’s funny as fuck lmaoo
On God!
i’ve been with my girl for about a year and she forgot deodorant one day and i told her that her armpits smelled like a gas chamber
😂😂😂this is why i love reddit
My girlfriend and I (both 26f) usually just go up to each other in a kind, yet silly voice and simply say, “You’re a little stinky, baby!” and that gets the job done, lol. As long as you say what you want to say in a loving & nonjudgmental way, she should be fine!
I put a clothes pin on my nose. My wife laughs and says something like "Alright! I get the message!"
Me (f) and my boyfriend also do exactly this, and not once has anyone got their feelings hurt. It's always way easier to be direct if you make it a cutesy/jokey situation
Me n my bf have been together long enough we no longer need to be cute, I’ll be like dude you smell like a sandwich left in a hot car, or he might exclaim, get away from me you smell like a taco truck in July 😂
Well I smell like an Italian sub if I forget deodorant. So here’s to foody odors!
Haha I truly do smell like a taco truck 😂 sometimes like a sub, when that happens he goes “my woman, she smells of a the finest calzone” 👌
My husband would yell out “cheeeeeeeeeseburger!” Lmao
Never met an italian woman - a girl or an old one - who hadn't a pleasant scent.
Oh lord rolling... can't stop laughing 😆
Yea, I'm thinking with most people that have been together for a while this isn't an issue, but maybe I'm wrong. If my wife was like, "You smell." My only reaction to that would be to take a shower, as a matter of fact someone's she'll say that I smell like I've been outside, which feels like a nice way of saying I stink (so I just take it as that), but I don't feel like it's direct enough, outside doesn't always smell bad.
You smell like outside is a nice way to put it 😂 what kinda outside she means makes a difference tho lol the other day he told me I smell like lavender hampster cage or some shit like that 😂 I see it as a kindness, it’s harder to smell yourself as much as other can smell you and they’re looking out for you, and everyone stinks sometimes, me especially bc my hormones are all over the place
Yea, she might not always mean it as smelling bad, but I think it's better to assume so. Like i hate chewing gum, but if someone offers me a piece I assume it's a nice way of them saying I need it so I always accept. I'd rather not smell bad and address it than smell bad and not address it. I love lavender hampster cage, it feels worse than just a hampster cage. Lol.
THIS
lmao my husband and I point at the other and yell "STINKY" this is relatable lol
Think about how you would like someone to tell you something similar
Tbh I would prefer someone to be like “you stink, man” to me, but not everyone appreciates that sort of forwardness.
The problem with the Golden Rule (treat others the way you want to be treated) is that literally every guy who sent an unsolicited dick pic was treating the recipient thereof exactly the way he'd like to be treated. He'd probably be thrilled if a random woman sent him a pic of her genitals out of the blue.
I got one of the those unsolicited vagina pics before. I wasn’t opposed but the skin tone around her vag looked like yellow sweat stain and it was really off putting. 😂
Long time ago as kid...but still recall it decades later, I put my makeup on in the dark/predawn in the car on way to school...when ready to exit, my Dad calmly said "you may want to check your blush" it was a disaster & saved me...I always thought it came across as very tactful & no harm done. As an adult, I did split a small hole in shorts at gym & a guy said something similar "you may want to check your shorts, I think you got a hole in them" I simply tied my jacket around & then checked, small hole in seam of butt, lol, but kept jacket tied & finished up, it was no big deal. I think the "checking" or asking for confirmation works well.
Just ask her to join you in the shower bro, win win imo
Showering before sex is always a good thing for both people
I would just say "hey, so I don't mean to hurt your feelings in anyway, but it's been getting warm out and I've noticed you've got a bit of BO happening. It doesn't make me like you any less, but it noticeable and I'd like it if you would tell me the same thing!" Be direct but in a kind way. Worst case Ontario, she gets horribly offended and quits talking to you (which in that case, maybe not GF material if something as simple as that would cause such a reaction). Or, best case scenario, she starts wearing more deodorant for you. Another possibility is if she is anxious, she may be putting on deodorant before she comes over, but sweats a little more than others do and the deodorant wears off. I know that I am someone who sweats a lot, which as a woman, I find embarrassing and always carry deodorant in my vehicle for that reason haha. Maybe you could go out and buy some cheap deodorant for her to have at your place? You could also buy a toothbrush and some shampoo/conditioner as well so it doesn't seem like you're directly telling her she stinks! Haha she will likely just find it thoughtful of you to supply her things like that.
🤣🤣🤣 I'm sorry, but your autocorrect "worse case Ontario" made me ROLL! Thank you for leaving it! 😂😂😂
Hahaha oh it wasn't autocorrect! It's a quote from a tv show that has just stuck with me out of habit 😂😂 "worst case Ontario" and "it's not rocket appliances" are things I say out of habit even when I don't mean to in serious conversations 🙈
A coworker once said - long story skirt - and I haven’t used the correct phrase since 😂
Well thank you! I needed a shoot soda out my nose kind of laugh! 🤣🤣🤣
TPB forever!!!
A couple of important points when having a difficult conversation. Don't sugar coat it, don't do a bunch of hemming and hawing, that will just make the person anxious. Getting to the point is better. Also, it's good not to blindside the person and let them no straight up you want to bring up something difficult/uncomfortable. I think it's best to use verbiage you are more comfortable with, but if you want an example of what I would go with to work from there. "Hey, I wanted to bring something up to you that's a little bit uncomfortable for me to say, and probably a little uncomfortable for you to hear. Nothing bad, just awkward. Is now a good time, or would you prefer to discuss it later?" On the off chance she says later, "Okay, let me know when you're ready to chat." Otherwise, "Now that it's starting to heat up, and you're sweating more it's become noticeable sometimes that you aren't wearing deodorant. I wanted to let you know because I figure you don't notice it, and if it were me I would want to know." You should mentally prepare for her to get defensive about it just in case, but more often than not even when people initially react defensively in the moment they just need some time to process and will come around and even appreciate you telling them.
I think that's too much...anxiety just thinking about "uncomfortable/need to discuss" go with the "may want to check, think you forgot deoderant today" or "doing somehing different? Noticed your deoderant failing"
It's not the approach I would go with, but certainly could solve the problem, so if OP is more comfortable going that route they should go for it.
Reassure her after! Like tell her she's lovely etc and you're not gonna feel any different about her because she smells
you could ask if she wants to shower together first to go a more indirect route, you could also just say “hey do you need deodorant? ik its 1000 degrees in here so i have extra on deck”. or “hey babe i think youre so great, please dont take this as me saying otherwise. i know its super hot out though and i think you need to put on some deodorant or pop in the shower. i probably do too tbh!” or just “hey hun, you need a shower” depending on your comfort level. ive been w my bf for a long while now but when he starts to get stinky, i just tell him “dude you stink. you need a shower” and he smells himself and says “oh yep youre right!”
Everyone is flocking to the non aluminum deodorants and organic. They just don’t work. She may be using a deodorant that just isn’t effective.
this, i have an aluminum-free travel deodorant that i used when i ran out of my normal full size one day and i REEKED
When you need to deliver unpleasant news, be clear and direct, but as much as you can let the person know you care about them. And if you start to feel uncomfortable, the worst thing you can do is back off on the message - instead increase the statements that you care about them and want the best for them. It’s a spinach in the teeth or your fly is down conversation. This is something that hopefully she could remedy with a shower, deodorant, something. If you or anyone else want more information about this strategy check out Kim Scott and Radical Candor - applies to work and any other relationships. And if her BO is a deeper medical issue, that’s possible though not likely, and she may need feedback that she needs to look into it. Good luck, I know this is awkward.
This is really the best advice, regardless of anxiety. 1) Be kind but direct 2) Someone’s reaction to point 1 is out of your hands
Even though u know not new or a change...Ask "did you switch deoderant?" When asks why...say "it doesn't seem to work as well" or just say "I think your new deoderant isn't working as well" or mention you are having deoderant failure & noticed she has too & you guess it due to it getting hotter...maybe put yourself in same boat or if she says "she doesn't notice it about you tell her you work hard to not let it happen & describe products & routine & ask well what do you do?
Agree completely. To add on, one of the best pieces of advice I ever got was to not tell people something if they can’t correct it right then… so don’t tell her when you’re heading out.
As someone with anxiety who had this exact thing brought up to me by an ex, THIS, just be direct. He was very nice about it. At the time I hadn't used deodorant — I was a late bloomer to body odor (and all things puberty), hadn't started being an issue until I was in my late teens. My boyfriend at the time just asked me if I used deodorant up front, and I told him no, it hadn't been something I needed before. He let me know it was probably time to start, I bought some, and that was that. See if she has a reason, too. I have broken out from some deodorants due to sensitive skin and finally found a brand that works for me after some trial and error. If that's an issue, you can always help her research! Good luck, and don't stress! If she's receptive, it's a green flag!
What ever you do, don’t wake her up in the middle of the night from rubbing deodorant on her pits. Super duper humiliating. 🫠
Just mention to her that her current deodorant isn’t working. That way the deodorant (or the absence of it) gets the blame, and you’re not criticizing her directly.
Nice hint!! Thank you!
We're not hinting, we are TELLING. Do you want her to be aware of the odor or not?
I'm Sorry- I can see how I didn't make my meaning clear. I was referring to the idea of removing the 'blame' one step from the person, being the hint I got from this comment about how to handle sticky situations more diplomatic while not sacrificing directness, ie tell her her DEODORANT has stopped working, rather than saying YOU stink. It's just tactful. I appreciate new tips in my quiver for smoother communications. 😁
I overreacted, sorry you felt the need to say sorry. I think personally this thread strikes a nerve with me, I am so anxious I always feel people are hinting things when they are not. You seem cool!! It is never a bad thing to want to protect someone's feelings. Maybe I will also take note
That's ok. This is a potential landmine of a subject!! I have had the same issue and know just what you mean. I often feel kinda spooky, like something is happening just beyond my comprehension and it's gonna GIT ME!!! Did you have Narcissistic parents? That can really unhinge our faith in ourselves! I think that's why I'm always looking for ways to be kind yet honest- two things my parents could never quite figure out! Cheers!
I find that my deodorant becomes less effective if I’ve been using it for a while and I’ll need to switch to another brand, so it may that
Until she tells him she doesn’t wear deodorant and this is intentional
Oof. That would be good to know though
My girlfriend was really stinky one day and I told her. She didn’t stink after that.
yeah just tell her. a girl once told me my breath didn’t smell great when i was 20. ever since then if im ever single and going out for a late night you better believe i have some gum on me.
A tongue scraper will change your life!!
Yup!!!
When do you use it?
Whenever I brush my teeth so 2-3 times a day and I have disposable one time use ones in the car and office. Not having one makes me feel sooo gross now. I swear it's helped prevent me from getting sick and helps breath 100%. It kind of makes sense that if you're removing germs that you would normally swallow, you would get sick less often.
PSA: Sometimes the bad breath is a digestive issue rather than a dental one. Tonsil stones are also responsible for bad breath so check for those. Sometimes people can brush their teeth and scrape their tongues 5+ times a day and it wouldn't fix the problem they have, because the cause lies elsewhere
I finally got my tonsils removed because I was sick of squeezing the stinky stones out
“Squeezing the stinky stones out” omg, I don’t know whether to laugh or vomit. Maybe I’ll do both.
Were you an adult? I’m getting mine removed and everyone is telling me it’s awful pain and I shouldn’t do it.
I was 35 and it was horrible but I had too many severe sore throats each year and this made this problem go away I don’t advise getting it just because tonsil stones are annoying
I was 23 when I had mine removed, yes it sucked but it was absolutely worth it. Stock up on popsicles and freezies and liquid meal replacements, ice cream is good too but it made me sick for some reason.
I demolished Italian ice when I had mine removed as a teenager. The strawberry and lemon ones. I need to go buy some now.
Narrator voice: *She left him.*
Please tell her asap. Her coworkers and loved ones will thank you.
i like to be subtle with “you smell like ass”
😂😂😂😂
I don’t think you’ll find a way to say this without it at least stinging. She’s anxious which means she’s in her head about things and will internalize it. Say it the way you’d want to hear it. If the relationship is important to her, it won’t be a dealbreaker. You’re gonna have a lot of tougher conversations as your relationship progresses and this can serve as a test to see if your communication styles clash. Both of you will be fine no matter and if you can’t find the words to say it, give her a very luxurious deodorant/body spray set! If you have any luck, she’ll associate the smell with you and feel compelled to wear it?
This. Treat her like a princess: soapy tub, fluffy towel, foot massage, the works. Women love this stuff. After you brush her hair and apply some product, compliment her and tell her how much you love how "pretty she smells."
I think this would be a really sweet idea to do for her maybe the day after telling her. That way she can know ur still attracted and interested in her. Coming from an overly sensitive anxious girl w BPD
"Oh god, yesterday he told me I smell bad, and now today he's trying to entice me to get into a bathtub so he can scrub me himself since he thinks I don't scrub myself good enough!" -Anxiety.
lol actually you’re right. I think it’s best to just do how someone mentioned above & say I don’t think your deodorant is working lol
I like the gift idea. Maybe even make it a quest for both of them. They can go to the store and both smell different ones, "Oh I like this one", "Me too!", "Oh this one is even better!" Then try out a number of them over a few days/weeks. "That one smelled good but doesn't hold up very well. Whereas this one smells ok but works really well." Getting over the initial awkwardness is the hardest part. But, if they can get through that, then they'll be that much stronger.
I have a sweating issue, and well I'm with that all the time so occasionally I end up nose blind to the fact I smell like I've just done a marathon. If someone pulls me aside and says something like: hey hun I can smell you from a bit away, you all good? I'm not offended. Tho I've also had a long time to deal with this. She might get offended, tho it'll be embarrassment vs actual anger. If it's something also she responds with why does everyone say that to me.. it might be worth pointing out it can be a medical thing and there's easy ways to help. I use deodorant from the chemist and I also have these shirts and singlet tops actually designed to soak in and trap that smell basically. I use an Aussie brand called sweat shield undershirts. Hell I work in hospitality and encourage all my kitchen staff to get these shirts and help them pay for it, as after 10hrs in the kitchen there's absolutely no way deodorant can cover the smell.
You’re both adults. Just tell her she stinks. For all we know she may be using that “natural” shit and she’s nose blind to her own smell as most of them are. I had to tell my bf at the time in hs this as his was BAD as well and that was the last time he stunk around me. As someone with bad anxiety myself it’s horrible advice to be told not to tell someone they don’t smell. Just be kind about it and don’t make gross faces.
This. I met so many people that don’t use deodorant or natural shit and claim they don’t stink. Source their loved ones that lied. Trust me, they stank.
Anosmia is a real thing.I have two friends who had Traumatic Brain Injuries and lost their sense of smell. It must suck because stepping in dog shit is my worst nightmare. I like to think my BO isn't bad, but who knows? My dental hygienist tells me that my breath isn't bad and that she would tell me if it was. I'm still suspicious of her claims, but it was still a huge relief to me.
I mean, she could both be telling you the truth and also have a fucked up scale to measure that on since she deals with it every day
You can have anosmia even absent a TBI. Source: I have had it for life. For some stages in life (pregnancy, etc) it's less severe in intensity, and I can start smelling more stuff. Other times the scent has to be overpoweringly bad for me to detect. Pretty sure I was never dropped on my head or had a TBI. I am neurodivergent though, that might be what contributed to it.
Be honest with her. Tell it to her in a nice way and if she will take it negatively then you find another woman who has good hygiene.
I’d be honest. Tell her the truth very nicely. It’s like when you get lipstick on your teeth… you’d want someone to tell you. I’d want to know personally…Maybe she doesn’t realize…. Desensitized to the smell.
Just remember the golden rule when delivering bad news... the compliment sandwich. Give her a compliment, say your concern, but end with something positive about her.
Just tell her? Relationships start with honesty and as someone with anxiety I’d rather someone I know tell me I smell bad than a stranger. Please just tell her even if she gets upset it’ll help her out in the end and if she does get mad that’s on her you were being honest.
Just tell her, str8 up
There’s an irony that her name is Jasmine.
Keep sniffing your armpits like you think you might stink. Gradually do it more frequently. Excuse yourself to put on some more deodorant. Apologize to her for your deodorant failing. Continue to snif yourself after you have freshened up. Maybe she will offer a reason for her body odor. Culture, allergies, doesn't like the bad chemicals, raised in a hippy commune. Then you can have a conversation about it. On the positive side, you don't have to worry about wearing deodorant around her.
(sorry...I'm very detailed 🤪🤣) I would say... I need to talk to you about something and I've been very hesitant about it because I really like you and I enjoy spending time with you which is why I'm having this conversation with you. You are so much fun and I want us to continue and learn more about each other, so the last thing I want to do is hurt you in any way. There's something bothering me and I decided I'd want someone to tell me if the situation was reversed, especially because it's something that happens to most people and can be easily taken care of. I've noticed that I'm smelling a bit of body odor when you're around. I know it's been hotter lately, so I'm sure that's why. Please don't be embarrassed. It's something easy to fix and we won't talk about it again.
I think the build up would make me more anxious/embarrassed. I would just say 'hey can we talk? Maybe we need to switch up your deodorant because you've been smelling a bit of BO recently. No need to be embarrassed, I get it too.'
Hey, can we talk would give me a heartattack.
this is the literal worst way you could possibly phrase it when talking to an anxious person, and the buildup is making it seem like its a big deal or an embarrassment. wayyyyyy too wordy and backpedaly lol.
Sounds way too much and kind of creepy to tell someone they smell. Just tell them they smell, wrapping it up like a care bear/therapy session is weird. Stop bubble wrapping people, that's what leads to this "anxiety epidemic"
Here's a way more fun/intimate solution provided you guys already hook up: just take a shower with her and watch how she cleans herself. If she's lacking use that as a time to clean her yourself while advising as necessary about your hygiene expectations. It's pretty easy to have your deodorant ready and then ask if she needs some and if she says no just give her a look and say "Here's some neutral spray, if you tell me a brand you like I'll pick up some you to keep here while you're staying over" I had to do this with two partners in the past, so while it was honestly pretty annoying to feel obligated to do so they fortunately picked up on it pretty fast and I didn't have to bring it up again nor did it start a fight.
That would feel patronizing and like being treated like a child.
And telling them directly that they stink isn't?
No not at all, there's nothing inherently childish about stinking without realizing it. Happens to the best of us from time to time and a person might just need a kind nudge to fix it. Could be something inane like they didn't realize their new deodorant brand isn't working for them. But your strategy sounds kinda weird and passive aggressive and patronizing. Sounds like how a parent would treat their small child in the bath tub.
Be upfront and honest about it, she probably has no idea. The longer you hide it from her, the more embarrassed she’s going to be when you decide to tell her
Hey babe, your pits are a bit ripe today. This is how my wife informed me I smell like ass.
Personally I would say “hey, I noticed you don’t wear deodorant. Is there a reason why? Are you allergic?” Hey, plus maybe there really is a reason. And she’ll get the hint 🤷♀️ I understand not wanting to just come out and say “hey, you smell” to someone you’re not super comfortable with yet.
Just bring it up as if it's no big deal. Ask her if she forgot to put on deodorant and if she asks why, say that you noticed she smells a little. I mean, if you smelled, you'd surely want her to tell you right?
Buy her a gift basket from bath and body works tell her you love this scent and would love if she wears it around you
Yeah you should bring this up to her or get her a deodorant. She might thank you later for telling her she had bo.
As someone with anxiety disorder, please tell her. She could be nose blind and may not smell herself. I noticed the last time we hung out you had a body odor, is everything ok with you health wise? “. You can come from of a place of concern while still disclosing that she stinks. But just don’t ignore it because it’s not going your way go away.
“I noticed your deodorant doesn’t seem to be working well, so I grabbed this new brand I heard about while I was at the store!”
“hey, don’t want to add any stressors. But I have noticed that your body smell/odor is different these days. Is everything ok? Can I help in any way? I’m happy to buy/help you get whatever you need to change this, including changing our diet up a bit if that helps. I do not want this to come off offensive in anyway, just trying to help as well as be honest.” as an older sister, wife, and mother, this is how I have approached this subject. The second they apologize I say there is no reason to apologize, and I don’t want you to be embarrassed, I would just like to help you and get this remedied. good luck.
Just keep asking “what is that smell”?
She might not have been taught proper hygiene and/or does not have good circumstances to stay clean. I was only allowed 1 bath per week with 2 inches of water in the tub until I got a job could join a gym at 18 and showered there daily. I bought my own soap and deodorant myself before that due to my 💩 parent Encourage her to shower there and get her different soap and deodorant to try.
Casually ask, “is that me?! Or you?” Then sweetly ask if she needs deodorant…if you notice she feels bad just let her know you care about her and just looking out for her, like hopefully she’d do for you.
"Hey babe, are you in a place where I can talk about something I worry will hurt your feelings? Yes? Ok, I've noticed your body odor is getting very strong as the weather has warmed up. Do you use deodorant, or are you open to start using it?" And then see how she responds. You can't realistically date someone who's smell is turning your stomach. If she's not open to using deodorant than you two just aren't compatible, and that's ok too.
Take her for a $50 shopping spree at Bath and body Works. She’ll just think you’re being sweet and she will smell better.
A nice thought, but she will smell like B.O. and perfume. She needs a shower and deodorant
or Am I woofing around here or is it you?
My brother once used the strategy of telling a friend “I’m bored, let’s put on deodorant”🤣
My brother once used the strategy of telling a friend “I’m bored, let’s put on deodorant”🤣
I, uh, call most people "stinky" half the time. Sometimes I'm just describing their general demeanor and sometimes I just feel like saying stinky.
I once went on date. Afterwards we’re sitting in the car talking. My date had a booger in her outer nostril that kept gently swinging like a green leaf on a breezy summer day. I told her “You have a booger”. She said “oh my god how embarrassing!” I said “no worries. Better I tell you then letting other people see it”. Moral of the story, sometimes you just gotta let it rip.
If you care about someone and their long term feelings or life you gotta have the tough conversations. That’s what makes partners or friends the “good friends “. We look out for the ones we love or care about. A quick ,frank private conversation can save them humiliation ,haters and belittling for the rest of the 99.99999% general public.
What do you know about the rest of her life? Just buy one …. Tell her you got it by mistake and ask if she wants it. If she takes it and uses it, it is possibly a financial issue. If she refuses, ask why? It might be a religious or allergies.
I dated a woman with similar issues. It was simply stress related on her part. We all produce stress odors if we are stressed enough. We have been married for nearly a decade and she never smells. Simply scared initial dating jitters caused her to be stressed. Hope yours is as simple.
I did this with a friend once don’t know if it works for you but I took her to the mall and we walked around then I took her to the pharmacy because ‘I needed to buy a new deodorant’ and I recommended one to her because it works wonders for me and then we went by the perfume section and we smelt a few and she picked her favourite but the key is you also have to buy a deodorant so it doesn’t look weird and try going around to other sections like makeup if she likes that or new skincare you get the idea
Just fucking tell her.
Just tell her that your apartment is a bit hot and you want to freshen up for her, so you don't unfavorable for her. Leave out a gender neutral smelling deodorant and body spray after you're done. Maybe she'll follow suit and do the same. If she doesn't, then next visit ask her if you can buy her a gift of a nice perfume you found and thought she might like.
I would really appreciate if that was the case with me and someone told me
Just don't tell her while you're both drunk and out with all your friends!
Very pissed I’m telling the bus driver don’t wait at the stop just drive passed the stop this miring I’m not waiting there at all
The amount of grown adults who don’t practice basic hygiene is absurd. This sub alone I’ve seen way too many posts about it.
My ex fiancé always told me I had an odor so she hated kissing me but never helped me figured out where. Now I’m so self conscious and wonder if every guy that ends things, thinks the same but doesn’t tell me. I have yet to figure it out if a) there is an odor or b) she was just being manipulating (she was mentally abusive so def could have been that). So tell her and help her figure out what smells so she can properly take care of it 💕
If you can't even have this conversation with her how are you guys going to navigate the difficult conversations in the future? If you two can't discuss hygiene like adults it doesn't bode well for your communication when things get really hard.
Easy. Buy her a fancy set of deodorant, body splash and body gel. If she's anxious, start the conversation on the subject like: "Ooh, I think the deodorant I'm currently using is not working. Has it ever happened to you?". Joke about her smelling your arms and then you do the same on her, and that would be the exact perfect time to tell her. There's no need to be harsh, you can still be loving and caring and make your point.
Tell her but also get some for her. That way she is not sitting there “stewing” in her stinky thoughts. The issue can be remedied immediately. Not sure how she would take you buying some but I would prob leave immediately to fix the issue if someone told me that.
Don't tell her about your house stinking for hours. Don't be subtle, but do be kind. "I just wanted to let you know that I can smell your body odor." Tell her she doesn't have to be embarrassed.
Just be honest w her. I've told my husband "oh babe, you're ripe today, go hop your fine ass in the shower" w a smile on my face. You could also buy some Lume deoderant (the best) & leave it on the counter for her.
play this song for her? [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=spc4dowpFnY](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=spc4dowpFnY)
I thought this was happening with my boyfriend for a while, but it turns out he had a skin infection. I’m 99.999% sure your gf just has BO, but just something to keep in mind. There might be a medical basis for it.
Just tell her, or start spraying Fabreze all the time when she's over.
She could be using a brand that isn’t working. As a male, I just grabbed whatever was on special (nivea or brut) and my partner only bough rexona. It was becoming an issue so I bought the female version of the brand I buy. Turns out it was just the deodorant itself, didn’t do anything for her and the one I bought worked and was very long lasting. Just food for thought. Mabye approach her about the brand and just suggest “hey let’s go have a look next time we’re at the shops” Or if your ever shopping in the isle, spray one on your hand and give her the “babe, this smells gorgeous you should try this one next time, i love it!”. The part here is to remember the “get this NEXT time” if you don’t want to rattle her anxiety or something and insinuate she has b.o
I don’t think YTA bit here is the thing . It’s not the girls fault and hear me out . If you introduced kindness over pettiness to your kids it will be better for everyone in the long run. This girl is going to feel like she did something wrong her whole life if someone doesn’t offer her some kindness . Her sisters giving her some clothes could help. A small birthday gift and Christmas gift from your girls could help. It will also help you . I get you hate him and I don’t blame you but it’s not good to do things out of spite . I know this from experience and now I try to do better .
I would approach it in a fun, joking kind of way. Maybe pretend to sniff her and be like “stiiiiiinky!” And laugh. It’s worked for me in the past lol
“oh baby you needa take a shower 😟 wanna go together? ☺️”
Very carefully
I thought aella was older than 21
Why on Earth would you feel the need to include her name in this post? LOL
Buy her a gift basket with deodorant, some good natural soap, and some smelly good lotion/spray. Then tell her in the politest way to please use them.
"Endearing nickname, I've noticed, since it's gotten warmer you smell really sweaty. I think your deodorant isn't working and it's really bothering me. I didn't want to hurt or embarass you, but it's an easily fixable thing and I'd wanna know if my deodorant wasn't doing what it's supposed to." Might also be, that she needs to shower and change clothes after work. When I had a physically more demanding job, that's what I had to do. Just freshen up, put on deodorant and get on a fresh shirt.
Hey babe, I’m gonna order this 12 pack of deodorant but it’s too many for just myself. Do you want a few or what’s your go to? Find out and BUY the one she uses. Give it to her. Then next time say something like “I notice you’re not wearing it.” Get her to want to put it on for you. Unless she’s like an anti-deodorant/ “all natural” hippie.Then you’re fucked.
I’d get her a sample Lume kit they have body wash and deodorant and sit her down with it. She may have a medical condition and doesn’t realize it’s that bad.
Is she middle eastern by any chance? It's kind of a cultural thing with them to have a lot of body musk odor... My best advice is if you don't like it, politely move on to a woman who you thoroughly enjoy the smells of. You should be able to take big wiffs of her direct head and skin in direct contact and still be madly in love with wanting to be close to your woman. The thing with the girl you're dating is, there's someone out there who absolutely loves the smell of her BO. That person is just not you, bud.
Just tell her in the nicest way you can. It will probably hurt her feelings, but this how communication and relationships work. I’ve had similar talks with my wife through the years. She acts hurt, but the problem goes away and she’s mature enough not to let it become an issue.
It’s not that deep just tell her
Simple, Honey we Hen did you last shower? Or did you forget to add deodorant?
People need to be told
How about bathing. Is she adverse to taking a shower? Some people just stink. The stinkers need to stay together. If she stunk up the room for hours, she may just be a very stinky person or she doesn’t bathe. Even deodorant won’t fix that level of stench.
Be like, "Hey babe, not to hurt your feelings or anything but you need to start wearing deodorant". Then make sure you have a dozen different ones for her to choose from. Or, tell her to get her stank ass in the shower.
You should tell her, and be nice about it.
About 10 years ago, after a long ride on a hot bus i got into the office and some random dude pulled me aside and told me i had bad BO, at fire I was stuck but i understood that effect the people I work with in a closed office. If I could I would thank him for that, as now I’m always try to small good and keep myself in check
With your mouth, preferably with words.
Just tell her very gently and obviously in private about it. I tend to be kinda messy when I eat, believe me I’ve tried to be better but it’s a struggle. My ex and I were having dinner one day with his parents and him and his dad were talking about this lunch my ex had been invited to with his boss and they started joking about this guy’s table manners. The dad said something like “oh and how many silverware passes did he do?” Or something snobby like that and they kept joking about it. Dinner ends and they are still talking about it and my ex goes “oh god when I met you your table manners were horrible! It looked like you were raised in the jungle” I had never felt so humiliated before. He had never mentioned anything about it before (I was aware of my messiness before this, but he had never said anything about it to me) and it just made me feel like they had probably been making fun of my the whole time. They come from money and I am an immigrant from South America, so I always felt very inadequate around them to begin with and this was a huge hit to my self-esteem at the time. My current boyfriend though just makes sure of cleaning around my mouth with a napkin anytime we finish our meal and I’ve gotten dirty, or makes me a gesture so I do so myself. We joke about it because yes, it is ridiculous that I am still so messy at 25 but he’s always very respectful and sensible about the whole thing.
Ask to shower with her
How about-- Hey Babe, as the temperature has started getting warmer, I have noticed that your natural body odor is getting stronger. I would hate for a stranger to say something about it or make a rude comment , so I thought as your boyfriend it was my duty to let you know. I am so very thankful that we love (if you are comfortable with saying you love her), respect and trust each other enough to be honest with each other. How about we go out for ice cream?
This is a slightly different question - how do you address clothing that has gotten BO smells locked into it, even if the person wearing it smells fine? Is there a solution to that?
Are you sure she’s not wearing deodorant? If so, just straight up say it’s getting hot out; we’re all sweating more, time for deodorant use in the house! In like a silly tone. Ifffff she is wearing deodorant it may be the brand. I switched deodorant brands once and whatever was in it didn’t react well with my natural PH or whatever and I smelled like a bridge troll in July. So. Just talk to her. If you have a healthy relationship it should be super easy
Say to her in the most romantic way."Roses are Red,Violets are Blue,You need new deodorant because you smell like poo."
Just tell her straight up dude. "Youre hot as hell i like you a lot but you smell"
A friend told me in 6th grade. I'm team deoderant ever since haha
Is her birthday coming up soon? What you can do is make a cute spa basket for her to use and wear. Get her some bath bombs, some new lotion and perfume, maybe get her a new book, some facial masks and put some of her favorite candy and snacks in the basket so it won’t scream ‘you stink take a shower!’ Make it like it’s a stress relief basket so she doesn’t suspect anything
Does she have a place to put things like deodorant or toothbrush, other hygiene things at your home? If she’s spending the night often she needs to at least have a drawer in the bathroom to keep those things. Part of the problem that she doesn’t have tools to maintain her hygiene when she stays over maybe? . You might even add that to the conversation you’re spending more time over here and I wanna make sure that you feel comfortable and I wanted to give you some space to have some of your own when you stay over. You could buy her some deodorant and a toothbrush and things, and put them in her drawer
Hi baby,sweet heart or her name. It's getting hot and we both sweating. I noticed your having a little smell. Hope your not offended just letting you know. I wouldn't want someone else telling you that. Do you need extra deodorant? Idk I'm trying to sound nice. Only once I told SO that his under arm was a little smelly. He quickly shower & put deodorant & cologne. Now he makes sure he's 💯% fresh. Nothing wrong with being honest. You sure don't want a stranger off the streets saying "wash your butt* that's worse
Carefully from far away
Too many people here trying to be too cute with it. Please dont buy her deodorant, ask to shower together, go shopping for deodorant for yourself or any of that stuff, it will be obvious and patronizing, especially if there is some medical reason for the odor or not wearing deodorant. Just be honest with her, the one comment explaining up front that you like her but need to talk about this thing that is bothering you was pretty dead on. She has anxiety but it will not kill her to have a conversation about this. I am almost positive she will appreciate the honesty.
“Hey (gf’s name) it’s been really warm lately and I think the deodorant you’re using isn’t working as well as usual lately. I really love hanging out with you all the time, and I know this sort of thing is never fun to hear. I don’t want you to feel self conscious, but I also don’t want to keep this from you and have you think I’m acting weird with you. I cleared out a little spot in my bathroom cabinet in case you want to keep anything here. I know for me my deodorant wears out half way through the day and I have to reapply it. You’re always still welcome here, I just want to make sure we’re both comfortable.”
I would talk with her now, before someone else does.
I just say whoooo boy it stinks like chili dogs and ass in here ? What is that ?!
Maybe she's not for you. Some people love their BO
Send that woman to stink elsewhere. BLAH.