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I have finally blocked my mom, grandma and brothers. But she still keeps popping up in my feed somehow. I’m hoping I’ve weeded out all the flying monkeys but only time will tell.
It just astounds me she said not everything was about you. Your wedding was, literally, about you. Her selective memory is an indicator that she values her perceptions more than your truths. What a narcissist she is! Good luck getting away from the monkeys in her circus. Live your happy life without the harpy.
Just calmly, ignore her. Create an affirmation that you say out loud morning and night. About how it's fine to live your own life and trust your own judgment and protect your privacy and your happiness. Because it is.
She is terribly disordered and phenomenally dismissive of childhood SA. What a deceptive, manipulative disordered person. Trust your perception. Find your peace in your new life. Don't respond to her.
I am very sorry that this situation happened.. Of course you are NTA. It is unfortunate that your mother did not take your brother's sexual abuse seriously. But I want to say how cool it is that you have such wonderful support from your husband! Sending you my internet hugs!
It’s honestly hard to not feel that way when she has turned so many family members against me. It been the best feeling to have someone who supports me like he does. I’ve truly never experienced a love like he has for me.
NTA. Just because you share the same blood doesn't make them good people or worthy of your time. You're an adult and you don't have to be around anybody you don't want to be around. And her telling you it's not all about you, your wedding is literally all about you and your partner. Blood don't always prove loyal.
Needed this. I keep feeling like I’m not doing the right thing, only because I have a younger brother who I now can’t see or talk to because he lives with her. I’ve been in his life since he was born and no longer having that makes me feel so awful.
Hi OP, you are NTA!!
I'm early, so maybe some insights from comments on my post might help. I posted a story about my mum not being allowed to attend my wedding just yesterday and most of the comments were advising me to remain no contact/low contact with her given all the narcissistic tendencies which are characteristic of her personality. I know your situation is different, but reading your story made my blood boil. Maintain your boundaries and prioritize your healing. You don't owe her anything.
Love, you kept hateful people away from your celebration of love - that is **not** assholish behavior.
May I just say how ridiculously proud this random stranger is that you stood up for YOURSELF?!? You do deserve love and respect. They were showing you neither.
Former Catholic, I'm well versed in guilt. I absolve you of yours. Sending innarwebz mama/auntie hugs, if ok.
My mother was a covert narcissist who abused me in every way from an abusive family that did unforgivable things to me. I started to push back, distance, and set boundaries, and it came to a head when I began having children she could not be trusted with. My mother created a whole narrative and turned everyone against me, including my father. People would say she was loving, kind, and generous. She was always the victim.
I wanted to defend and explain myself, but it is not worth it in families that will twist it to hurt you further. These kinds of people will never take accountability. They are incapable of empathy and the kind of love we deserve. Let's just sweep it under the rug and move on with no quantifiable change at the normal one's expense.
She replaced me with a dog that hated them in my fathers obituary. I agonized that the one who should love me the most never did. She never supported or protected me and CHOSE that. What must people think given all the lies she told about me? She never wanted anything to spoil the face she showed the world.
You have experienced the deepest of betrayals and are now being harassed. I empathize and am sorry you will need to grieve for the parent you deserve and do not have. It takes therapy and some painful work to move on, but scars will always remain.
I realized that the found family, who is there for you and supports you, is your real family. Her flying monkeys are as bad as her, so f#*k those mouth breathers. Also, pay no mind to the "but family" / reconcile people who are lucky enough not to have a rotten parent. These people should question how bad a parent is for a child to choose estrangement, but instead indulge the societal construct of the loving mother.
The more love I gave myself, I felt less of a hole where my birth family should be. My mother died the other day, and I read about it on the internet. I was glad. All of the work I put in made it more a relief she couldn't cause more harm. She died living a lie.
I am drowning in medical bills right now, and her estate would have saved me. I realized that not one minute exposing myself to her or her family was worth the injury to me or my children. Year after year got better with no contact. I had to let go of the Fear, Obligation, and Guilt buttons placed in me that kept me attached to these horrible people. Also, you might want to read the Narcissist's Prayer. ❤️
NTA!!
Your mother is toxic and no way should you ever talk to her again. I suggest therapy. It’ll help get rid of any lingering feelings of guilt, plus it’ll help you process any issues you still have from the abuse that was inflicted upon you.
Good for you for standing up for yourself and uninviting your mother.
I mean she sounds awful so I don’t know why you feel bad.
It’s not like she would ever give you money or anything.
I think in an ideal world you would move away and just block anyone who doesn’t respect your wishes. But I’m petty. I would put on social media that your mother is protecting your sexually abusive older brother and you think anyone who defends a child abuser is disgusting and all the family supporting her are disgusting.
OP,
I am also a survivor of childhood SA.
I am glad we have both found loving partners who back our choices to prioritize our mental and physical safety.
I hope with enough therapy and support from your chosen family, you’ll continue to shed the dead weight that continues to be corrosive to your mental health.
Good luck OP.
People who enable the sexual abuse of children are monsters. You don’t have a mother. You have a monster. You don’t have extended family. You have monsters. Stop giving an Eff what the monsters trying to hurt you say or think. Keep them away from you and your actual family.
I'm glad you realize you are NTA. You made your wedding day about you and that was entirely appropriate. Your mom is in denial and may remain that way. Nobody wants to raise a monster and yet when it happens the parents are often never going to see it because it makes them feel like they failed. She did fail. She failed to protect you. Now she wants you to get over it and gloss over it like it didn't happen. You need to be validated. You need to have a person tell you that. So you married that person. Good for you. It's hard to disengage from family, I know from experience. Treasure the people that love you, validate you and believe in you. That's your real family.
You’re not going to get the extend of help only by posting here two times. You have dealt with sexual abuse by your brother, hurt from your Mom and other family members who have continued to do up until your wedding plans,etc. AND your mourning the loss of contact with your young brother.
Your husband and you deserve only happiness together so keep the no contact with these terrible people.
The only reason I'd let my parents invite people to MY wedding was that they paid for some of it or all. I would never allow the little brother or those other family members around no matter what. If they had an issue the money gets returned, at minimum.
You did nothing wrong.
I know what it is like for our minds to block out traumatic memories. We can't deal with what is happening so we just push it back to be able to go on, but eventually, the memories come back so strong that we don't know how to deal with them.
I am unsure if you have gotten a therapist to help you walk through that abuse, but I would really hope you do find someone. I had no idea what was happening to me and those things I did to bury the pain. There is no way I could have handled the memories without being in a safe place.
My family doesn't believe my sperm donor molested me bc he is "my sweet daddy." When I chose to go no contact, every family member attacked me for not speaking with them or going back to their home for those "happy, loving family" get togethers.
Once I made the decision to go NC, I was able to sort through the abuse and know it happened. I eventually realized that I don't need them to validate or believe me bc they are incapable. When families don't believe you or minimize what happened and say, "It was a long time ago," "he has changed," or "just move on." The worst is when they attack you for the abuse of someone else and defend your abusers. It's like it is no big deal.
It is a big deal, and we never put ourselves in a position to be re-traumatized by our abusers. Also, when anyone excuses the behavior of a sexual predator, they are also abusers.
Forgive yourself, and realize you deserve happiness and freedom bc you won't allow anyone in that is going to continue hurting you. It's OK to put ourselves first and walk away from the people who are hurting you.
I posted to a different subreddit. Someone recommended I post here as well. I honestly meant to add something more asking for advice on how to not feel like the asshole in the situation rather than just AITAH but I forgot and just copy and pasted. More than anything I’m trying to get comfortable telling this story because I’ve felt so isolated in how I feel with her basically turning the whole family against me.
It’s all about setting boundaries and learning how to stick to them.
I used to set boundaries with people who would nag me and nag me and nag me, until I caved. Now, because I’m a lot stronger and a lot more black and white when it comes to my boundaries, people don’t try to do that with me. But they used to do this with me because they could tell that I wanted to please them. I was a people pleaser. Now, I’m not a people pleaser. But the only thing that helped me get to this point was years of therapy.
How old were you and your brother when he molested you? I wonder because it also happened to me.
You are NTA. What option did your mother leave you with. She minimized and dismissed what happened with your brother. She behaves entitled and dismisses your feelings and needs showing she is a hot toxic mess. How could you live with that level of toxicity in your life, your mental health would take a huge blow and your quality of life would be miserable when it came to family. The only real tragedy here is the loss of relationships with the little ones. I hope you are getting some counseling to process this mess and gain tools to set healthy boundaries and not feel like an AH for doing so. I think the loss of the relationship with the kids is what’s hurting you the most. Please don’t beat yourself up and realize you are mourning the loss of family that mattered to you, not so much your brother who molested you and your mom of course.
Problem is you now will never have a family to help you if you ever need help if something bad ever happens.This is what happens when brides to be think they can control everyone’s life for one day and they have to like it whether they like or not.Now family members will do everything in their power to ruin you for this and your going to have to take it and put up with it.Yes your an AH in my opinion.You don’t invite your family or just certain members this is what happens.
First of all, I have a family to help me if I ever need. I have a beautiful family that I have built. Second of all, brides should be able to dictate who attends THEIR WEDDING that is for THEM. We live in a day and age where blood does not control the relationships in life. I’m under no obligation to have a relationship with my abusers and their enablers. This wasn’t just “a bad thing” this was year of sexual and emotional abuse.
Thanks for submitting to the Two Hot Takes Podcast Subreddit! We'd like to remind you that all posts are subject to being featured in an episode of the Two Hot Takes Podcast. If your story is featured you'll get a nifty flair change to let you know and we'll drop a link so you can see our host's take on your story. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TwoHotTakes) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You are right to cut out toxic family members. Any flying monkeys, block them too.
I have finally blocked my mom, grandma and brothers. But she still keeps popping up in my feed somehow. I’m hoping I’ve weeded out all the flying monkeys but only time will tell.
Make your account private. She can’t pop up in your feed then.
It just astounds me she said not everything was about you. Your wedding was, literally, about you. Her selective memory is an indicator that she values her perceptions more than your truths. What a narcissist she is! Good luck getting away from the monkeys in her circus. Live your happy life without the harpy.
Just calmly, ignore her. Create an affirmation that you say out loud morning and night. About how it's fine to live your own life and trust your own judgment and protect your privacy and your happiness. Because it is. She is terribly disordered and phenomenally dismissive of childhood SA. What a deceptive, manipulative disordered person. Trust your perception. Find your peace in your new life. Don't respond to her.
I agree with this 100 percent. I had to cut toxic family members out of my life and my life was better because of it.
I am very sorry that this situation happened.. Of course you are NTA. It is unfortunate that your mother did not take your brother's sexual abuse seriously. But I want to say how cool it is that you have such wonderful support from your husband! Sending you my internet hugs!
It’s honestly hard to not feel that way when she has turned so many family members against me. It been the best feeling to have someone who supports me like he does. I’ve truly never experienced a love like he has for me.
NTA. Just because you share the same blood doesn't make them good people or worthy of your time. You're an adult and you don't have to be around anybody you don't want to be around. And her telling you it's not all about you, your wedding is literally all about you and your partner. Blood don't always prove loyal.
Needed this. I keep feeling like I’m not doing the right thing, only because I have a younger brother who I now can’t see or talk to because he lives with her. I’ve been in his life since he was born and no longer having that makes me feel so awful.
Hi OP, you are NTA!! I'm early, so maybe some insights from comments on my post might help. I posted a story about my mum not being allowed to attend my wedding just yesterday and most of the comments were advising me to remain no contact/low contact with her given all the narcissistic tendencies which are characteristic of her personality. I know your situation is different, but reading your story made my blood boil. Maintain your boundaries and prioritize your healing. You don't owe her anything.
Love, you kept hateful people away from your celebration of love - that is **not** assholish behavior. May I just say how ridiculously proud this random stranger is that you stood up for YOURSELF?!? You do deserve love and respect. They were showing you neither. Former Catholic, I'm well versed in guilt. I absolve you of yours. Sending innarwebz mama/auntie hugs, if ok.
NTA. Your mother sounds awful, as does most of her family. I’m sorry you have to deal with that.
My mother was a covert narcissist who abused me in every way from an abusive family that did unforgivable things to me. I started to push back, distance, and set boundaries, and it came to a head when I began having children she could not be trusted with. My mother created a whole narrative and turned everyone against me, including my father. People would say she was loving, kind, and generous. She was always the victim. I wanted to defend and explain myself, but it is not worth it in families that will twist it to hurt you further. These kinds of people will never take accountability. They are incapable of empathy and the kind of love we deserve. Let's just sweep it under the rug and move on with no quantifiable change at the normal one's expense. She replaced me with a dog that hated them in my fathers obituary. I agonized that the one who should love me the most never did. She never supported or protected me and CHOSE that. What must people think given all the lies she told about me? She never wanted anything to spoil the face she showed the world. You have experienced the deepest of betrayals and are now being harassed. I empathize and am sorry you will need to grieve for the parent you deserve and do not have. It takes therapy and some painful work to move on, but scars will always remain. I realized that the found family, who is there for you and supports you, is your real family. Her flying monkeys are as bad as her, so f#*k those mouth breathers. Also, pay no mind to the "but family" / reconcile people who are lucky enough not to have a rotten parent. These people should question how bad a parent is for a child to choose estrangement, but instead indulge the societal construct of the loving mother. The more love I gave myself, I felt less of a hole where my birth family should be. My mother died the other day, and I read about it on the internet. I was glad. All of the work I put in made it more a relief she couldn't cause more harm. She died living a lie. I am drowning in medical bills right now, and her estate would have saved me. I realized that not one minute exposing myself to her or her family was worth the injury to me or my children. Year after year got better with no contact. I had to let go of the Fear, Obligation, and Guilt buttons placed in me that kept me attached to these horrible people. Also, you might want to read the Narcissist's Prayer. ❤️
NTA!! Your mother is toxic and no way should you ever talk to her again. I suggest therapy. It’ll help get rid of any lingering feelings of guilt, plus it’ll help you process any issues you still have from the abuse that was inflicted upon you. Good for you for standing up for yourself and uninviting your mother.
I mean she sounds awful so I don’t know why you feel bad. It’s not like she would ever give you money or anything. I think in an ideal world you would move away and just block anyone who doesn’t respect your wishes. But I’m petty. I would put on social media that your mother is protecting your sexually abusive older brother and you think anyone who defends a child abuser is disgusting and all the family supporting her are disgusting.
OP, I am also a survivor of childhood SA. I am glad we have both found loving partners who back our choices to prioritize our mental and physical safety. I hope with enough therapy and support from your chosen family, you’ll continue to shed the dead weight that continues to be corrosive to your mental health. Good luck OP.
Nta your mum is trash
NTA of cause this is your wedding it you and your partner day. It better for us to cut unnecessary drama off our life.
Your mother is shitty and you were right to go NC. Family members who agree with her are shitty, too.
People who enable the sexual abuse of children are monsters. You don’t have a mother. You have a monster. You don’t have extended family. You have monsters. Stop giving an Eff what the monsters trying to hurt you say or think. Keep them away from you and your actual family.
You didn't mention your father. Is he still with us? What was his position?
I'm glad you realize you are NTA. You made your wedding day about you and that was entirely appropriate. Your mom is in denial and may remain that way. Nobody wants to raise a monster and yet when it happens the parents are often never going to see it because it makes them feel like they failed. She did fail. She failed to protect you. Now she wants you to get over it and gloss over it like it didn't happen. You need to be validated. You need to have a person tell you that. So you married that person. Good for you. It's hard to disengage from family, I know from experience. Treasure the people that love you, validate you and believe in you. That's your real family.
NTA OP, I would go no contact with all of them. Protect your mental health!
You’re not going to get the extend of help only by posting here two times. You have dealt with sexual abuse by your brother, hurt from your Mom and other family members who have continued to do up until your wedding plans,etc. AND your mourning the loss of contact with your young brother. Your husband and you deserve only happiness together so keep the no contact with these terrible people.
The only reason I'd let my parents invite people to MY wedding was that they paid for some of it or all. I would never allow the little brother or those other family members around no matter what. If they had an issue the money gets returned, at minimum. You did nothing wrong.
I know what it is like for our minds to block out traumatic memories. We can't deal with what is happening so we just push it back to be able to go on, but eventually, the memories come back so strong that we don't know how to deal with them. I am unsure if you have gotten a therapist to help you walk through that abuse, but I would really hope you do find someone. I had no idea what was happening to me and those things I did to bury the pain. There is no way I could have handled the memories without being in a safe place. My family doesn't believe my sperm donor molested me bc he is "my sweet daddy." When I chose to go no contact, every family member attacked me for not speaking with them or going back to their home for those "happy, loving family" get togethers. Once I made the decision to go NC, I was able to sort through the abuse and know it happened. I eventually realized that I don't need them to validate or believe me bc they are incapable. When families don't believe you or minimize what happened and say, "It was a long time ago," "he has changed," or "just move on." The worst is when they attack you for the abuse of someone else and defend your abusers. It's like it is no big deal. It is a big deal, and we never put ourselves in a position to be re-traumatized by our abusers. Also, when anyone excuses the behavior of a sexual predator, they are also abusers. Forgive yourself, and realize you deserve happiness and freedom bc you won't allow anyone in that is going to continue hurting you. It's OK to put ourselves first and walk away from the people who are hurting you.
You already posted this a month ago...
I posted to a different subreddit. Someone recommended I post here as well. I honestly meant to add something more asking for advice on how to not feel like the asshole in the situation rather than just AITAH but I forgot and just copy and pasted. More than anything I’m trying to get comfortable telling this story because I’ve felt so isolated in how I feel with her basically turning the whole family against me.
It’s all about setting boundaries and learning how to stick to them. I used to set boundaries with people who would nag me and nag me and nag me, until I caved. Now, because I’m a lot stronger and a lot more black and white when it comes to my boundaries, people don’t try to do that with me. But they used to do this with me because they could tell that I wanted to please them. I was a people pleaser. Now, I’m not a people pleaser. But the only thing that helped me get to this point was years of therapy.
How old were you and your brother when he molested you? I wonder because it also happened to me. You are NTA. What option did your mother leave you with. She minimized and dismissed what happened with your brother. She behaves entitled and dismisses your feelings and needs showing she is a hot toxic mess. How could you live with that level of toxicity in your life, your mental health would take a huge blow and your quality of life would be miserable when it came to family. The only real tragedy here is the loss of relationships with the little ones. I hope you are getting some counseling to process this mess and gain tools to set healthy boundaries and not feel like an AH for doing so. I think the loss of the relationship with the kids is what’s hurting you the most. Please don’t beat yourself up and realize you are mourning the loss of family that mattered to you, not so much your brother who molested you and your mom of course.
Problem is you now will never have a family to help you if you ever need help if something bad ever happens.This is what happens when brides to be think they can control everyone’s life for one day and they have to like it whether they like or not.Now family members will do everything in their power to ruin you for this and your going to have to take it and put up with it.Yes your an AH in my opinion.You don’t invite your family or just certain members this is what happens.
Found a flying monkey.
First of all, I have a family to help me if I ever need. I have a beautiful family that I have built. Second of all, brides should be able to dictate who attends THEIR WEDDING that is for THEM. We live in a day and age where blood does not control the relationships in life. I’m under no obligation to have a relationship with my abusers and their enablers. This wasn’t just “a bad thing” this was year of sexual and emotional abuse.