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I hate wearing foundation and concealer, so I just don't wear it. It's sticky and high maintenance, and I touch my face. It's a bad time
I do my brows, eyemakeup, and maybe a highlighter. I want to use my lipsticks, but they are also high maintenance. Makeup should be fun. If you don't want to wear certain steps, you don't have to.
"If you don't want to wear certain steps, you don't have to."
I don't know why I never thought about it that way. Maybe because I struggle to break sub-tasks apart from an overall task? In any case, thank you for sharing! I feel so free lol. Maybe I'll actually wear mascara now!
I'm grateful I have super long and dark lashes, I wouldn't even do mascara so maybe I can roll with that and just compliment that feature a bit. Will have to check out some videos
I agree with every letter!!! I don't do any contour/foundation because I touch my face and hate the feeling of it on my face. I primer my eyes and eyebrows, so it stays well. Eyebrows, fun eyeshadow, little wings, and mascara, then a nude powder all over my face for shine. I have purple, blue, blonde hair, so I do like simple little side bun or up in a clip...since I rarely wear it down.
I find it impossible to 'girl' properly. My hair touches my face, no! makeup on my face? No! Tight clothes, no! Women's underwear? No! My grandmother would tell me to "walk like a lady" when I was little. What does that even mean!? I honestly feel and am perceived way more feminine with nothing on, and that's fine. I can't be bothered anymore. I'm too old to learn how to 'girl' and I have no desire.
This made me laugh out loud, because I feel *exactly* the same way. I can't STAND hair touching my face (hair in my face makes me want to set myself on fire) or the feel of makeup on my skin. Lord know I've grown out my hair and attempted to wear makeup so I could be "pretty" ... but it never works out.
Oh how I've TRIED to be more "soft" and "feminine" ... but if it hasn't happened in my 37 years of living, it ain't happening, period. I keep my hair short now and don't wear makeup, but instead invest in taking great care of my skin. Of course there are times when I see a beautifully feminine woman and wish I could be like her, but I'm not and never will be. But that's okay, too. :)
My hair is always long and up in a messy bun. I've tried styling it, straightening it, shortening it.... But then it touches my face and I cannot deal. Family/friends think it's funny to steal my hair elastic and tell me how pretty my hair is.. "why don't you wear it down?" Because it makes me crawl out of my skin. That's why. Leave me alone! I'd rather be comfortable than pretty. It's not worth it lol
If a out want it down but out of your face, take a pencil sized strand behind each ear and tie them together in the back with an elastic. Contains the hair to your back but still lets it 'flow'.
First things first, being "femenine enough" is something that you get to decide for yourself. Some women feel femenine in lingerie and some feel it in hiking boots. It's cool to explore different things but you need to make your own definition and find what works best for YOU!
That being said, I'm a self described "girly girl" and I taught myself because my mom is not. I definitely reccomend putting together pintrest boards of fashion inspiration, makeup looks you like, how to pose in pictures, ect. So that you can start finding your own aestheic. Youtube is a great source but sometimes the videos are too long. Then, try out styles, fashions, looks in the comfort of your own home until you feel confident (which is easier said than done).
Same here. To add to this, finding a 5-minute every-day makeup routine can do wonders! Like you said, YouTube is awesome for this. I had to search for eyeshadow tutorials, as I have naturally hooded eyes and normal eyeshadow looks are barely even visible on me.
I love that YouTube has tutorials for like every facial feature, skin color, eye color, hair texture imaginable! I'm a super-curly headed ginger with hooded eyes and freckles... And I've still found tutorials from people who look similar to me! Lol
I was a total tomboy up until about the 6th grade. I started being a little more interested in “girl” stuff after that, but I’ve never been girly. I hate the color pink, I hate anything lacy or froofroo, etc. But I’ve realized there’s a difference between being girly and being feminine. I have very short hair, and when I want to dress up and look nice, I’m usually wearing pants or a jumpsuit. But I still feel feminine and ME, that’s the important part. Find something that makes you feel attractive and feminine, even if it’s not the norm. And when you feel good and comfortable and sexy in it, you will radiate femininity!
Do you want to present as "girlie" or are you just doing it because you think you're supposed to? What are the consequences if you don't present as super feminine? Will it be detrimental at your work if you stop wearing makeup and uncomfortable clothes? If it's not going to hurt your career, then it's 100% ok for you to stop doing it. I haven't shaved my legs in 15 years once I realized I had a choice in the matter. I haven't worn make up even longer than that. I wear a dress once a year at my non-profit's annual fundraiser dinner, but even then it's a comfortable thing with pockets. The older I get, the less interested I become in being anything other than myself, and that includes performing feminine gender norms. I'm not trans and I don't identify as non-binary. I'm fine being a woman but I'm not going to define that on any terms but my own.
I enjoy being “girly” but it is exhausting to me. I also feel like I’m masking or I feel uncomfortable being super feminine I don’t know how to describe it. It feels like I’m playing dress up.
You don’t owe it to anyone to perform femininity. Being pretty is not rent you pay for breathing on Planet Earth. You have *zero* obligation to wear things that make you uncomfortable to please others to to prevent them from bullying you.
If you believe performing femininity will advance your career prospects or it will be a hobby you enjoy, pursue it. But anyone who would judge you for not wearing makeup or being a tomboy is not a good person and not someone you need in your personal life.
ETA: there’s also plenty of ways to be feminine that aren’t appearance-based. I have a lot of feminine- coded hobbies and interests (I’m halfway to being a closet tradwife LOL) but I don’t wear makeup ever. I’m still wearing the t-shirts I got for free from a company I worked for four years ago. The rest of my wardrobe comes from stalking the thrift store for the brands of jeans that are comfortable. I kind of resent that women aren’t considered feminine based on actions but just on appearance. I’m more than a mannequin to hang clothes on- my interests and passions and actions se what define me, not makeup and clothes.
This is it. My mum had short hair and rampant acne. I grew up clueless re clothes and makeup. I wear makeup every day (and I'm quite good at it) but only thru necessity thanks to the acne gene lol but it's 2023, we don't need to confirm any more. Gender is a spectrum. It's easy to say "you do you" but therapy and the right tribe can help immensely with finding your comfort zone and letting go of those pesky fucks.
Edited to add: consistency is over rated. If you feel like going to the effort of the girliness you enjoy some days but not others, that is entirely fine. My wardrobe is ridiculous cos I gain and lose weight and don't have consistent moods/personalities.
One thing I did start doing at the big age of 40 was stop buying separates. Matching tops to bottoms is a totaly clusterfuck. I only do dresses and dungarees now. When I find shoes I like I buy two pairs.
Try to identify what makes you feel powerful and screw everything else, and other people's concepts of what's "enough".
You are right and its never like in movies that the ugly duckling turns into a princess in a second! At least for me it's been super hard work and a long process to learn the skills, research, get used to the uncomfortable and form all habits needed to look feminine and put together most of the time.
Maybe start building one thing at a time? Like first focus on hair. Also, I learned its vital to make sure your clothes are the right size and in good materials, makes all difference in how they stay in place :)
I’ve felt this forever. Still feel this.
I don’t know the answer but for me I just always pop on mascara and tinted moisturizer and tinted lip gloss and I’ve made it this far.
I don’t think heavy makeup is necessary anymore honestly. I always hated how I looked in pictures when I actually had my makeup done professionally.
Plus I can’t deal with the feeling of it on my face. It’s so heavy. I’ve just accepted that makeup routines aren’t for me.
Clothes don't have to be tight to look feminine. I often wear comfortable leggings and loose skirts. I don't know what your hair is like, but doing it up can help a lot. And then In terms of makeup, less can be more if you use bolder colors. I often only do eyeshadow and lipstick and mascara and it looks nice without driving me mad.
I was also raised by a mom who isn't particularly into makeup or hair, and in an area of the country... Not known for its fashion sense. I've realized that it's totally okay to not perform femininity and if you start looking for us, we are legion. There are so many women out there just being people in comfy pants and no/minimal makeup! It's totally cool! If that's the way YOU want to be. Unfortunately I don't have a lot of advice on how to do the girly stuff if that's what makes you happy. But I'm here to tell you that it doesn't make you less of a woman if you just... don't. Both ways are okay.
Dressing in a "traditional" or stereotypical feminine way feels like being in drag, to me. I'm a cis-gendered woman but I cannot do girly stuff. It just feels wrong on me.
So I don't do it. I wear clothes that I'm comfortable in. I will wear makeup sometimes, but then it's only mascara and lippy, and even that feels weird on me.
There's no one right way to be a woman (or a human) so stop trying to stuff yourself into a box that isn't meant for you.
To be honest I don’t think most mothers teach their daughters how to do their hair and makeup. I see this being said a lot by women who ‘missed out’ but girls who got into these hobbies from a young age usually learned because they were interested in it, and copy each other or what they see around them. It’s not something that gets passed down, it’s an actual hobby that requires investing time, research and practice into. Nowadays it’s easy to access online tutorials that will tell you how to do makeup and hair that suits you. Also, dressing nicely doesn’t have to mean uncomfortable. That usually means the clothes are not the right size or cut
I think I feel this way because I was a dancer growing up and everyone’s mom did their hair and makeup etc. while I had to learn to do it on my own and fail so many times. My mom didn’t know how to do any of it so I was on my own. That alone made me not fit in with anyone
I think its very ADHD to not fit in with traditional gender norms. In general society was not made by/for us. I've never been into makeup/clothes/accessories much, my mom is a tomboy who hasn't touched makeup in years so I didnt grow up with it either. Occasionally I do very light makeup, or get creative with eyeliner, but thats it. I've never owned foundation, although in my country most people are very casual with their appearance in general so that isn't that out of the ordinary. Sometimes I think 'damn I really should put more effort into those things', but then I realise that's just not me and it wouldn't make me happy at all. It would only make me feel worse to constantly try to be something im not, and not succeed.
With ADHD a lot of us have have sensory issues, and for most people the effort it takes if we don't personally enjoy those things is just not worth it. We are already likely to not be perfectly feminine (whatever that means) socially, as we talk out of turn, don't contain our emotions, are forgetful and clumsy, etc. So it's only natural that we tend to feel out of place. Add the behavioral part of just not being bothered to do all the girly stuff we don't particularly enjoy, and that explains it pretty well I think.
My advice is don't get over the difficulties you face in performing femininity, but get over the idea that you have to do those things to be 'okay'. You are okay, nothing is wrong with how you do things, and to force yourself to do something you don't enjoy because others expect it of you is detrimental to your happiness. I'm fine with not being the cute girly girl, im in a very happy relationship with someone who doesn't want me to be something im not, and I'm surrounded by friends who don't think less of me for it (even if they like it themselves). That's what makes me happy!
I definitely enjoy being girly but it makes my sensory issues go crazy. I also find it super time consuming and exhausting to do makeup and hair. Especially when I’m not going anywhere special
Hello are we the same person? I'm 26 and have no idea how to girl and I'm too scared/embarrassed to ask any body to teach me 😭 and then if I do I feel UNCOMFY AS HECK.
I don't even get to that stage, but I feel paranoid wearing a dress casually that I am overdressed, then when I go to an event that you're supposed to dress up for, I feel under dressed because I have no idea how to do my hair or makeup and don't even get me started on heels 😑 can't win.
Do you have to be feminine is that something you actually want or are you trying to fit a mould??
I regret trying to fit in all my life and not just be me. I was very tomboy growing up hated dresses I started wearing them in early adulthood but really not until I move to Queensland Australia and the very hot weather made dresses just easier.
I wish I was still more boysih I'm at an age where I realise I put so many hard expections I myself because of what others thought about me or my perception of what they thought. It's probably the biggest regret is not being me and trying to fit into everyone else's box.
>Like I can feel the oiliness of the makeup
If you do enjoy the idea of makeup maybe you need different products? At one point I was super oily (I have PCOS and I didn't know) and yet I could take naps wearing a full face and it all stayed in place.
Plus, even if you enjoy makeup, you do not have to wear a full face. Perhaps just something that makes you feel pretty? Like mascara? Or tinted lip balm?
I will say I avoid the tight clothes BS (hate it!) by wearing high waisted skirts or flowy pants. When I wear skirts, I wear long Capri length "bicycle shirts" as I can't stand it when my legs rub together. Then I can either do t-shirts or button ups with them. If I am not going to work however, it's pajamas every day all day. Either comfy yoga britches or flowy pants or even some plaid pajamas. I also loathe wearing regular bras. Sadly at work I must wear a bra (I am very large chested) as I would be far too conscious of their movement and noticability. But at home no bra ever! Anywhere around town, usually a sports bra. I purchased one of those shefit bras...Holy hell, never have my girls been so supported. I friggin love them!! I never would gave associated my clothing choice or lack feminine traits with ADHD, but reading so many beautiful women agreeing here...feels really great!
Absolutely my friend, these are thin enough to comfortably wear under clothes, and only now did I realize I said shirts 🤣🙄😳 Shorts of course, these also come shorter, but I prefer longer so they don't ride up!!
High Waist Leggings in Shorts, Capri & Full Length - Ultra Soft Premium Fabric - 3" High Waistband - Regular & Plus Size https://a.co/d/8MnRjY6
This is why I never wear makeup/dresses. But not because no one taught me but because I hate having to "maintain" the look. I hate the feeling of make up and I rub my eyes/touch my face all the time.
If you really want to wear make up maybe go for types that are easy and won't feel icky. Like tinted lip balm, and those crayon style eye shadows where you just swipe it across the eyelid and go. If it smudges it doesn't matter. Clear mascara.
Or get your brows/lashes dyed so you don't have to bother with those areas.
Hahaha I feel the same exact way. I pick at my face and rub my eyes sooo much! I've put on makeup maybe once or twice a year (only eye makeup tho, I can't stand the feeling of concealor or foundation), and anytime I do I have to constantly remind myself not to rub my eyes or I'll smear my work of art!
I feel you. I don’t know diddly squat about make up and don’t even try. Whenever someone asks why I don’t wear make up I bring up a few things: 1. Sleep, nuff said. 2. It’s expensive as shit 3. My skin is already very sensitive (thanks eczema) and putting more crap on it will not help. 4. On the off chance I do wear make up, people look at me like I’ve turned into a butterfly. For women who do wear make up everyday, that’s their norm and they get asked if they’re sick when they don’t wear it. I don’t have that problem.
Honestly though the thing that really helped me accept that I’ll never be “girly” but I can still be appreciative of how I look was dying my hair. I hate my natural hair color. The color is described as dishwater blonde. That doesn’t even sound appealing. It sounds gross. So about 2 years ago now I started going to my color guy once every 2-3 months and getting my hair purple. And I love it. I don’t plan on going back anytime soon. It’s my one vanity and the one thing that makes me feel good about how I look. I might suck at make up and styling my hair. But my hair still looks badass and I always get compliments on it.
Hahaha I feel the same way about makeup, I wear it maybe once or twice a year at the most (and only put on eye makeup, no concealor or foundation as I can't STAND the feel of it), and when I do it makes me look super pretty whereas if I wore it all the time and one day didn't, it would be like a shocker. That being said, I have a box of makeup I bought to experiment with a few years ago for a Black friday deal, and I still have most of it. It's probably lost its effectiveness or may have expired by now, but I still plan on eventually using it lol though I have considered just throwing it all out because I rarely ever use it so it seems like a waste to keep it...
My best advice? Pick up a copy of "[Women Who Run with the Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype ](https://g.co/kgs/5DNNkj)" and ditch the societal messaging of what it is to be a woman. It's an impossible standard and one that by design, will keep you miserable.
If it helps I used to feel like this too, and feedback from other people was also that I was not feminine enough. I realized it was because I feel feminine in my soul. I shop from both the men's and women's departments but as soon as those clothes are on my body, they're feminine clothes! Do the things appearance-wise that you want to do (I wear makeup but tell hairstylists that I want to be able to do as little as possible with my hair) but give yourself a break. You don't have to please anyone but you.
I don’t wear make up, or get my nails done (or even just painted) because it’s effort and it feels suffocating on my skin/nails. I also don’t look like me with makeup on so I feel uncomfortable/weird. My hair is very short so it’s less effort to make it presentable every day. I like to wear classic feminine clothes but only if they are comfortable. I haven’t felt unfeminine because of these things but I’m also not very attached to my gender. It’s not an important part of my identity.
Im still a tomboy aged 38. Everything feminine feels unnatural for me.
That might be something sexuality related though as I believe Im ace or demi...unsure. I know im not bisexual or gay though. I just dont feel comfortable dressing feminine. Maybe non-binary as that def sounds more accurate.
Who knows, either way what Im trying to say here is just do what YOU feel comfortable with. Not what society thinks you need to be.
Feminine is such a vague word for me. I have always struggled with this too. I love to wear pretty dresses and all of that when I get the opportunity but the rest of the time I’m just a neutral flavoured person. I don’t like the stress put on girls to act like women because I always liked the things that boys did and people couldn’t understand.
I can't wear makeup either. It feels so strange on my skin.
I focus on my hair, my clothes, and jewelry when I want to feel femme. I like long, flowie dresses and skirts that make me feel like I should be frolicking through a field with the Von Trapp family and jewelry that's sort of hippie inspired.
Re: bunching up clothes -- That's what well-fitting slips, camisoles, etc. are for. Your clothes will hang better, and so they won't bunch up.
It's also what well-fitted bras and underwear are for.
If you have to wear pantyhose, make sure it fits well also.
And in general, make sure your clothes fit you, today, and not just theoretically.
Find out what colors and tones look good on you, and buy clothes in those colors and tones. Same thing with the shapes of the clothing.
So then everything will fit and be comfortable, and you will know you look awesome, and you will also tend to feel comfortable about yourself.
(Or at least you won't be fighting the clothes on top of feeling miserable.)
If it makes anyone feel better, I never understood how clothes work until I joined a historical society where we wore historical clothes. If you know why X person looks good wearing Y, you can figure out what looks good on you with today's clothing.
Your ADHD makes you hyper sensitive to texture theres an actual term for it but I prefer BB cream to foundation.try really light make up like mineral style formulas i have found those to be more comfortable than traditional formulas
I like watching insta videos on fashion. There are some 'millennial makeover' types that show how to update the styles I used to wear. Also videos that show how to select products that work well together eg what length of jean for sneakers vs ankle boots etc. It helps me elevate my look from the basic jeans + top, to something a bit more stylish by adding or changing one or two items. But without buying a whole new wardrobe.
Feminine tomboy here. But not exactly fashionable. I love makeup. I get lash extensions. With your sensory issues it could be too much. But I find it amazing. When I don’t have the energy to mentally pull myself together, my face still looks put together and done cause my eyes pop.
As for clothing, I’d recommend figuring out what colors look best on you and not focus so much on style. I’m a jeans and a simple blouse/sweater kind of girl. No accessories, don’t wear jewelry except a bracelet a close friend got me that never comes off cause the clasp is a pain in the ass. But focusing on colors that look good on me makes me look more put together.
The hair thing. I have an inverted bob so it’s not sitting on my neck feeling heavy. Then the front I just tuck behind my ears.
Same all the way, when I do wear makeup, I wear lipstick and then blush does the blush and eyeshadow all in one, easy peasy, works rather well actually. And since I don't know how to wear 'proper' fancy clothes, and they big the hell out of me, I fake it with nice boots with good heels instead of stilettos, and nice yoga slacks and shirt/dress instead of a really nice dress, trying for classy instead of fancy or sexy
I always get described as sporty, no matter what I am wearing. I keep it simple with a capsule wardrobe and only wear mascara and eyebrow shadow to darken my brows.
I rarely wear makeup because I also don’t like the way it feels. It makes my face itchy (I have eczema so that’s probably why).
As for clothing, I don’t dress up in uncomfortable clothing. I always make sure my formal clothes are comfortable and have pockets, if possible. I also like rompers/jumpsuits. I have a few formal-ish jumpsuits because I don’t always want to wear a dress, and I find jumpsuits to be very comfortable. Comfort is always above fashion for me, unless it’s a pair of heels lol.
The most effort I spend is on my hair. My hair is over two feet in length. When I curl it, it looks really nice. I can get away with just doing my hair and wearing mascara and lip gloss.
I’ve never been a huge jewelry person but I always wanted to be the woman that has cute earrings in all the time, so I have 4 piercings on each ear and always wear hoops and studs. I feel more feminine with earrings and also like that I can just leave them in all the time and not fuss over them.
Someone has already talked about only doing part of a 'full face' of makeup, that's definitely going to help.
Invest time into BUYING things, not wearing them. Nice shoes that are comfortable and pretty will go a long way, same goes for a coat and jewellery if applicable. Doesn't have to be dangly but, for example, small pearl earrings will be an instant boost without adding sensory fuzz.
Well-fitting dresses take a lot of the effort out of getting dressed b/c there's less matching going on and they won't ride up or pull weirdly. There's a lot of very femme vintage inspired options. Also, get good tights if you wear them (not supermarket brand, but something properly stretchy).
If you find something that fits well, don't hesitate to buy multiple colors. Easy win.
Edit: hairstick buns with nice jewellery are a good quick + easy option!
I'm so anti-makeup that I get my eyebrows and lashes dyed.
I just think I look more fascinating with black or dark blue eyelashes. LOL
OK, and maybe some lightly-coloured lip gloss.
But that's it!
I’ve really focused on my hair. I’m learning how to work with my waves instead of resenting them for not being straight (and easy) or just outright curly. Some days it’s a ponytail, some days the flat iron come out. Everyday is what I need that day.
Also, I feel you about the femininity. Right now my ADHD father is recounting how when I was a child, I came home and told him I was a boy. Trans wasn’t really supported then (at all) and so he argued with me until I backed down that I was a girl. I’m 40 now. I don’t need to hear how he regrets not supporting that. How he wonders if it would have been different. I know I’m not built the most feminine, but goddamn, that boat sailed.
I never fit in either growing up, and I’m still very awkward. I have a kindergartner now and I’m very self conscious at pickup and drop off since so many of the other moms look great, even if they’re just wearing sweatpants.
I’ve been shown so many times now how to do my makeup but I never remember what I’m told. I really need to start bringing a notepad when my makeup gets done. When I actually do my makeup I just look like a middle schooler who got into her mom’s makeup. As for my hair, ugh. It’s curly, wispy, and after all the hair loss from having two kids so very thin. It just always looks messy and frizzy. Headbands have been very helpful.
I want to be more feminine too but putting on makeup, doing my hair, and picking out a great outfit with accessories is absolutely exhausting for me. I always second guess my choices, and even though I want to, I just don’t have motivation to do it every day. Plus when my options are get up and do my hair and makeup, or sleep in an extra 30 minutes, I choose sleep because I’m always so damn tired in the morning.
I do agree with all the commenters about fit and color when it comes to cloths. I’m trying to build a capsule wardrobe to just get rid of the decision fatigue in the morning, and I’m going for quality clothes in classic styles that fit well and the colors work for me. I look at so many of the trendy clothes and think I’d just look like I’m pretending to be “cool” if I wear that.
As for makeup, I like to think that I’m showing confidence in myself by not wearing any. Plus it was really funny a few weeks ago when I did have some makeup on and my kindergartner said to me, “why do you look like you’re pretty?”
Do you live by a Sephora? I love Sephora even though I feel like I’m lost in Wonderland every time I go in there. The employees working in Sephora are very nice and helpful. Years ago I went to a Sephora and told one of the employees I only had mascara and I needed help. She was great and very patient with me. Plus you can sample some of the makeup so you will know if you like the way it feels or not.
I know someday we will get this figured out! Until then, you now know you are not the only one feeling this way. ❤️
Not sure I can offer suggestions as I don’t really know how to “girl” either.
I don’t wear any make up and wear the same 2 weeks worth of clothes rotation of outfits. I don’t really pay attention to that stuff. Jewelry that gets take on and off gets lost, so I stopped that a long time ago. A simple necklace that can stay on indefinitely is about as fancy as I get. Nails get messed up and aren’t worth paying $60+ for a day of fully polished nails.
And frilly undies… no thank you. I prefer my 100% cotton full bottoms…it is such a sensory issue.
I used to try and mask and do all that stuff. It was exhausting (and expensive). Not so much anymore.
I am much more like the old woman at the bus stop in the Barbie movie than any other the characters….except maybe weird Barbie lol
Sometimes I wish I could “girl” more to fit in, but alas I am not and I am okay with that :)
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I hate wearing foundation and concealer, so I just don't wear it. It's sticky and high maintenance, and I touch my face. It's a bad time I do my brows, eyemakeup, and maybe a highlighter. I want to use my lipsticks, but they are also high maintenance. Makeup should be fun. If you don't want to wear certain steps, you don't have to.
"If you don't want to wear certain steps, you don't have to." I don't know why I never thought about it that way. Maybe because I struggle to break sub-tasks apart from an overall task? In any case, thank you for sharing! I feel so free lol. Maybe I'll actually wear mascara now!
You can literally just wear mascara and nothing else! Do what's fun for you
Literally never thought about it this way either. Always felt self conscious either all in or nothing so I don't seem weird
For me, I just need my face to balance. I have sparse brows so if I wear eye makeup without my brows, i feel like it looks weird. It's up to you.
I'm grateful I have super long and dark lashes, I wouldn't even do mascara so maybe I can roll with that and just compliment that feature a bit. Will have to check out some videos
I agree with every letter!!! I don't do any contour/foundation because I touch my face and hate the feeling of it on my face. I primer my eyes and eyebrows, so it stays well. Eyebrows, fun eyeshadow, little wings, and mascara, then a nude powder all over my face for shine. I have purple, blue, blonde hair, so I do like simple little side bun or up in a clip...since I rarely wear it down.
Have you tried lipstains?
Yes! I have the elf glossy lip stain, but I only like one shade. It can wear unevenly throughout the day unfortunately
Not super uncommon. Exfoliate your lips first. Some stains do last longer than others.
Thanks
I find it impossible to 'girl' properly. My hair touches my face, no! makeup on my face? No! Tight clothes, no! Women's underwear? No! My grandmother would tell me to "walk like a lady" when I was little. What does that even mean!? I honestly feel and am perceived way more feminine with nothing on, and that's fine. I can't be bothered anymore. I'm too old to learn how to 'girl' and I have no desire.
This made me laugh out loud, because I feel *exactly* the same way. I can't STAND hair touching my face (hair in my face makes me want to set myself on fire) or the feel of makeup on my skin. Lord know I've grown out my hair and attempted to wear makeup so I could be "pretty" ... but it never works out. Oh how I've TRIED to be more "soft" and "feminine" ... but if it hasn't happened in my 37 years of living, it ain't happening, period. I keep my hair short now and don't wear makeup, but instead invest in taking great care of my skin. Of course there are times when I see a beautifully feminine woman and wish I could be like her, but I'm not and never will be. But that's okay, too. :)
My hair is always long and up in a messy bun. I've tried styling it, straightening it, shortening it.... But then it touches my face and I cannot deal. Family/friends think it's funny to steal my hair elastic and tell me how pretty my hair is.. "why don't you wear it down?" Because it makes me crawl out of my skin. That's why. Leave me alone! I'd rather be comfortable than pretty. It's not worth it lol
Hear hear!
When I had long hair, I was a big fan of french braids.
If a out want it down but out of your face, take a pencil sized strand behind each ear and tie them together in the back with an elastic. Contains the hair to your back but still lets it 'flow'.
>I honestly feel and am perceived way more feminine with nothing on I mean.... 😏
Js, I look great naked.. try and dress me up for something formal? Total disaster. 🤷♀️
First things first, being "femenine enough" is something that you get to decide for yourself. Some women feel femenine in lingerie and some feel it in hiking boots. It's cool to explore different things but you need to make your own definition and find what works best for YOU! That being said, I'm a self described "girly girl" and I taught myself because my mom is not. I definitely reccomend putting together pintrest boards of fashion inspiration, makeup looks you like, how to pose in pictures, ect. So that you can start finding your own aestheic. Youtube is a great source but sometimes the videos are too long. Then, try out styles, fashions, looks in the comfort of your own home until you feel confident (which is easier said than done).
Same here. To add to this, finding a 5-minute every-day makeup routine can do wonders! Like you said, YouTube is awesome for this. I had to search for eyeshadow tutorials, as I have naturally hooded eyes and normal eyeshadow looks are barely even visible on me. I love that YouTube has tutorials for like every facial feature, skin color, eye color, hair texture imaginable! I'm a super-curly headed ginger with hooded eyes and freckles... And I've still found tutorials from people who look similar to me! Lol
I was a total tomboy up until about the 6th grade. I started being a little more interested in “girl” stuff after that, but I’ve never been girly. I hate the color pink, I hate anything lacy or froofroo, etc. But I’ve realized there’s a difference between being girly and being feminine. I have very short hair, and when I want to dress up and look nice, I’m usually wearing pants or a jumpsuit. But I still feel feminine and ME, that’s the important part. Find something that makes you feel attractive and feminine, even if it’s not the norm. And when you feel good and comfortable and sexy in it, you will radiate femininity!
Do you want to present as "girlie" or are you just doing it because you think you're supposed to? What are the consequences if you don't present as super feminine? Will it be detrimental at your work if you stop wearing makeup and uncomfortable clothes? If it's not going to hurt your career, then it's 100% ok for you to stop doing it. I haven't shaved my legs in 15 years once I realized I had a choice in the matter. I haven't worn make up even longer than that. I wear a dress once a year at my non-profit's annual fundraiser dinner, but even then it's a comfortable thing with pockets. The older I get, the less interested I become in being anything other than myself, and that includes performing feminine gender norms. I'm not trans and I don't identify as non-binary. I'm fine being a woman but I'm not going to define that on any terms but my own.
I enjoy being “girly” but it is exhausting to me. I also feel like I’m masking or I feel uncomfortable being super feminine I don’t know how to describe it. It feels like I’m playing dress up.
You don’t owe it to anyone to perform femininity. Being pretty is not rent you pay for breathing on Planet Earth. You have *zero* obligation to wear things that make you uncomfortable to please others to to prevent them from bullying you. If you believe performing femininity will advance your career prospects or it will be a hobby you enjoy, pursue it. But anyone who would judge you for not wearing makeup or being a tomboy is not a good person and not someone you need in your personal life. ETA: there’s also plenty of ways to be feminine that aren’t appearance-based. I have a lot of feminine- coded hobbies and interests (I’m halfway to being a closet tradwife LOL) but I don’t wear makeup ever. I’m still wearing the t-shirts I got for free from a company I worked for four years ago. The rest of my wardrobe comes from stalking the thrift store for the brands of jeans that are comfortable. I kind of resent that women aren’t considered feminine based on actions but just on appearance. I’m more than a mannequin to hang clothes on- my interests and passions and actions se what define me, not makeup and clothes.
This is it. My mum had short hair and rampant acne. I grew up clueless re clothes and makeup. I wear makeup every day (and I'm quite good at it) but only thru necessity thanks to the acne gene lol but it's 2023, we don't need to confirm any more. Gender is a spectrum. It's easy to say "you do you" but therapy and the right tribe can help immensely with finding your comfort zone and letting go of those pesky fucks. Edited to add: consistency is over rated. If you feel like going to the effort of the girliness you enjoy some days but not others, that is entirely fine. My wardrobe is ridiculous cos I gain and lose weight and don't have consistent moods/personalities. One thing I did start doing at the big age of 40 was stop buying separates. Matching tops to bottoms is a totaly clusterfuck. I only do dresses and dungarees now. When I find shoes I like I buy two pairs. Try to identify what makes you feel powerful and screw everything else, and other people's concepts of what's "enough".
You are right and its never like in movies that the ugly duckling turns into a princess in a second! At least for me it's been super hard work and a long process to learn the skills, research, get used to the uncomfortable and form all habits needed to look feminine and put together most of the time. Maybe start building one thing at a time? Like first focus on hair. Also, I learned its vital to make sure your clothes are the right size and in good materials, makes all difference in how they stay in place :)
I’ve felt this forever. Still feel this. I don’t know the answer but for me I just always pop on mascara and tinted moisturizer and tinted lip gloss and I’ve made it this far. I don’t think heavy makeup is necessary anymore honestly. I always hated how I looked in pictures when I actually had my makeup done professionally. Plus I can’t deal with the feeling of it on my face. It’s so heavy. I’ve just accepted that makeup routines aren’t for me.
Clothes don't have to be tight to look feminine. I often wear comfortable leggings and loose skirts. I don't know what your hair is like, but doing it up can help a lot. And then In terms of makeup, less can be more if you use bolder colors. I often only do eyeshadow and lipstick and mascara and it looks nice without driving me mad.
I was also raised by a mom who isn't particularly into makeup or hair, and in an area of the country... Not known for its fashion sense. I've realized that it's totally okay to not perform femininity and if you start looking for us, we are legion. There are so many women out there just being people in comfy pants and no/minimal makeup! It's totally cool! If that's the way YOU want to be. Unfortunately I don't have a lot of advice on how to do the girly stuff if that's what makes you happy. But I'm here to tell you that it doesn't make you less of a woman if you just... don't. Both ways are okay.
Dressing in a "traditional" or stereotypical feminine way feels like being in drag, to me. I'm a cis-gendered woman but I cannot do girly stuff. It just feels wrong on me. So I don't do it. I wear clothes that I'm comfortable in. I will wear makeup sometimes, but then it's only mascara and lippy, and even that feels weird on me. There's no one right way to be a woman (or a human) so stop trying to stuff yourself into a box that isn't meant for you.
To be honest I don’t think most mothers teach their daughters how to do their hair and makeup. I see this being said a lot by women who ‘missed out’ but girls who got into these hobbies from a young age usually learned because they were interested in it, and copy each other or what they see around them. It’s not something that gets passed down, it’s an actual hobby that requires investing time, research and practice into. Nowadays it’s easy to access online tutorials that will tell you how to do makeup and hair that suits you. Also, dressing nicely doesn’t have to mean uncomfortable. That usually means the clothes are not the right size or cut
I think I feel this way because I was a dancer growing up and everyone’s mom did their hair and makeup etc. while I had to learn to do it on my own and fail so many times. My mom didn’t know how to do any of it so I was on my own. That alone made me not fit in with anyone
I think its very ADHD to not fit in with traditional gender norms. In general society was not made by/for us. I've never been into makeup/clothes/accessories much, my mom is a tomboy who hasn't touched makeup in years so I didnt grow up with it either. Occasionally I do very light makeup, or get creative with eyeliner, but thats it. I've never owned foundation, although in my country most people are very casual with their appearance in general so that isn't that out of the ordinary. Sometimes I think 'damn I really should put more effort into those things', but then I realise that's just not me and it wouldn't make me happy at all. It would only make me feel worse to constantly try to be something im not, and not succeed. With ADHD a lot of us have have sensory issues, and for most people the effort it takes if we don't personally enjoy those things is just not worth it. We are already likely to not be perfectly feminine (whatever that means) socially, as we talk out of turn, don't contain our emotions, are forgetful and clumsy, etc. So it's only natural that we tend to feel out of place. Add the behavioral part of just not being bothered to do all the girly stuff we don't particularly enjoy, and that explains it pretty well I think. My advice is don't get over the difficulties you face in performing femininity, but get over the idea that you have to do those things to be 'okay'. You are okay, nothing is wrong with how you do things, and to force yourself to do something you don't enjoy because others expect it of you is detrimental to your happiness. I'm fine with not being the cute girly girl, im in a very happy relationship with someone who doesn't want me to be something im not, and I'm surrounded by friends who don't think less of me for it (even if they like it themselves). That's what makes me happy!
I definitely enjoy being girly but it makes my sensory issues go crazy. I also find it super time consuming and exhausting to do makeup and hair. Especially when I’m not going anywhere special
Hello are we the same person? I'm 26 and have no idea how to girl and I'm too scared/embarrassed to ask any body to teach me 😭 and then if I do I feel UNCOMFY AS HECK.
This is exactly how I feel. When I am super feminine I feel uncomfortable
I don't even get to that stage, but I feel paranoid wearing a dress casually that I am overdressed, then when I go to an event that you're supposed to dress up for, I feel under dressed because I have no idea how to do my hair or makeup and don't even get me started on heels 😑 can't win.
Do you have to be feminine is that something you actually want or are you trying to fit a mould?? I regret trying to fit in all my life and not just be me. I was very tomboy growing up hated dresses I started wearing them in early adulthood but really not until I move to Queensland Australia and the very hot weather made dresses just easier. I wish I was still more boysih I'm at an age where I realise I put so many hard expections I myself because of what others thought about me or my perception of what they thought. It's probably the biggest regret is not being me and trying to fit into everyone else's box.
YES. You're describing me perfectly, right down to the upbringing. The bad news is that I have no answers, beyond embracing who you are.
>Like I can feel the oiliness of the makeup If you do enjoy the idea of makeup maybe you need different products? At one point I was super oily (I have PCOS and I didn't know) and yet I could take naps wearing a full face and it all stayed in place. Plus, even if you enjoy makeup, you do not have to wear a full face. Perhaps just something that makes you feel pretty? Like mascara? Or tinted lip balm?
I will say I avoid the tight clothes BS (hate it!) by wearing high waisted skirts or flowy pants. When I wear skirts, I wear long Capri length "bicycle shirts" as I can't stand it when my legs rub together. Then I can either do t-shirts or button ups with them. If I am not going to work however, it's pajamas every day all day. Either comfy yoga britches or flowy pants or even some plaid pajamas. I also loathe wearing regular bras. Sadly at work I must wear a bra (I am very large chested) as I would be far too conscious of their movement and noticability. But at home no bra ever! Anywhere around town, usually a sports bra. I purchased one of those shefit bras...Holy hell, never have my girls been so supported. I friggin love them!! I never would gave associated my clothing choice or lack feminine traits with ADHD, but reading so many beautiful women agreeing here...feels really great!
>long Capri length "bicycle shirts" Do you have a specific suggestion? Because I can't stand the thigh rubbing either!
Absolutely my friend, these are thin enough to comfortably wear under clothes, and only now did I realize I said shirts 🤣🙄😳 Shorts of course, these also come shorter, but I prefer longer so they don't ride up!! High Waist Leggings in Shorts, Capri & Full Length - Ultra Soft Premium Fabric - 3" High Waistband - Regular & Plus Size https://a.co/d/8MnRjY6
This is why I never wear makeup/dresses. But not because no one taught me but because I hate having to "maintain" the look. I hate the feeling of make up and I rub my eyes/touch my face all the time. If you really want to wear make up maybe go for types that are easy and won't feel icky. Like tinted lip balm, and those crayon style eye shadows where you just swipe it across the eyelid and go. If it smudges it doesn't matter. Clear mascara. Or get your brows/lashes dyed so you don't have to bother with those areas.
Hahaha I feel the same exact way. I pick at my face and rub my eyes sooo much! I've put on makeup maybe once or twice a year (only eye makeup tho, I can't stand the feeling of concealor or foundation), and anytime I do I have to constantly remind myself not to rub my eyes or I'll smear my work of art!
I feel you. I don’t know diddly squat about make up and don’t even try. Whenever someone asks why I don’t wear make up I bring up a few things: 1. Sleep, nuff said. 2. It’s expensive as shit 3. My skin is already very sensitive (thanks eczema) and putting more crap on it will not help. 4. On the off chance I do wear make up, people look at me like I’ve turned into a butterfly. For women who do wear make up everyday, that’s their norm and they get asked if they’re sick when they don’t wear it. I don’t have that problem. Honestly though the thing that really helped me accept that I’ll never be “girly” but I can still be appreciative of how I look was dying my hair. I hate my natural hair color. The color is described as dishwater blonde. That doesn’t even sound appealing. It sounds gross. So about 2 years ago now I started going to my color guy once every 2-3 months and getting my hair purple. And I love it. I don’t plan on going back anytime soon. It’s my one vanity and the one thing that makes me feel good about how I look. I might suck at make up and styling my hair. But my hair still looks badass and I always get compliments on it.
Hahaha I feel the same way about makeup, I wear it maybe once or twice a year at the most (and only put on eye makeup, no concealor or foundation as I can't STAND the feel of it), and when I do it makes me look super pretty whereas if I wore it all the time and one day didn't, it would be like a shocker. That being said, I have a box of makeup I bought to experiment with a few years ago for a Black friday deal, and I still have most of it. It's probably lost its effectiveness or may have expired by now, but I still plan on eventually using it lol though I have considered just throwing it all out because I rarely ever use it so it seems like a waste to keep it...
My best advice? Pick up a copy of "[Women Who Run with the Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype ](https://g.co/kgs/5DNNkj)" and ditch the societal messaging of what it is to be a woman. It's an impossible standard and one that by design, will keep you miserable.
give up on it and embrace yourself as you are. it's so tiring to chase something so artificial that brings no joy
If it helps I used to feel like this too, and feedback from other people was also that I was not feminine enough. I realized it was because I feel feminine in my soul. I shop from both the men's and women's departments but as soon as those clothes are on my body, they're feminine clothes! Do the things appearance-wise that you want to do (I wear makeup but tell hairstylists that I want to be able to do as little as possible with my hair) but give yourself a break. You don't have to please anyone but you.
I always say I’m never going to make it as a girl.
I don’t wear make up, or get my nails done (or even just painted) because it’s effort and it feels suffocating on my skin/nails. I also don’t look like me with makeup on so I feel uncomfortable/weird. My hair is very short so it’s less effort to make it presentable every day. I like to wear classic feminine clothes but only if they are comfortable. I haven’t felt unfeminine because of these things but I’m also not very attached to my gender. It’s not an important part of my identity.
Im still a tomboy aged 38. Everything feminine feels unnatural for me. That might be something sexuality related though as I believe Im ace or demi...unsure. I know im not bisexual or gay though. I just dont feel comfortable dressing feminine. Maybe non-binary as that def sounds more accurate. Who knows, either way what Im trying to say here is just do what YOU feel comfortable with. Not what society thinks you need to be.
Feminine is such a vague word for me. I have always struggled with this too. I love to wear pretty dresses and all of that when I get the opportunity but the rest of the time I’m just a neutral flavoured person. I don’t like the stress put on girls to act like women because I always liked the things that boys did and people couldn’t understand.
I can't wear makeup either. It feels so strange on my skin. I focus on my hair, my clothes, and jewelry when I want to feel femme. I like long, flowie dresses and skirts that make me feel like I should be frolicking through a field with the Von Trapp family and jewelry that's sort of hippie inspired.
Re: bunching up clothes -- That's what well-fitting slips, camisoles, etc. are for. Your clothes will hang better, and so they won't bunch up. It's also what well-fitted bras and underwear are for. If you have to wear pantyhose, make sure it fits well also. And in general, make sure your clothes fit you, today, and not just theoretically. Find out what colors and tones look good on you, and buy clothes in those colors and tones. Same thing with the shapes of the clothing. So then everything will fit and be comfortable, and you will know you look awesome, and you will also tend to feel comfortable about yourself. (Or at least you won't be fighting the clothes on top of feeling miserable.) If it makes anyone feel better, I never understood how clothes work until I joined a historical society where we wore historical clothes. If you know why X person looks good wearing Y, you can figure out what looks good on you with today's clothing.
ah yes, the tism
Your ADHD makes you hyper sensitive to texture theres an actual term for it but I prefer BB cream to foundation.try really light make up like mineral style formulas i have found those to be more comfortable than traditional formulas
I like watching insta videos on fashion. There are some 'millennial makeover' types that show how to update the styles I used to wear. Also videos that show how to select products that work well together eg what length of jean for sneakers vs ankle boots etc. It helps me elevate my look from the basic jeans + top, to something a bit more stylish by adding or changing one or two items. But without buying a whole new wardrobe.
Feminine tomboy here. But not exactly fashionable. I love makeup. I get lash extensions. With your sensory issues it could be too much. But I find it amazing. When I don’t have the energy to mentally pull myself together, my face still looks put together and done cause my eyes pop. As for clothing, I’d recommend figuring out what colors look best on you and not focus so much on style. I’m a jeans and a simple blouse/sweater kind of girl. No accessories, don’t wear jewelry except a bracelet a close friend got me that never comes off cause the clasp is a pain in the ass. But focusing on colors that look good on me makes me look more put together. The hair thing. I have an inverted bob so it’s not sitting on my neck feeling heavy. Then the front I just tuck behind my ears.
I have a shirt hair style (under shave) and dress it up with earrings and flowy shirts. No makeup Totally feminine
I just don't bother with makeup but wear comfy cotton dresses which make me feel feminine. I could never work in hospitality etc. bc of this.
Same all the way, when I do wear makeup, I wear lipstick and then blush does the blush and eyeshadow all in one, easy peasy, works rather well actually. And since I don't know how to wear 'proper' fancy clothes, and they big the hell out of me, I fake it with nice boots with good heels instead of stilettos, and nice yoga slacks and shirt/dress instead of a really nice dress, trying for classy instead of fancy or sexy
I always get described as sporty, no matter what I am wearing. I keep it simple with a capsule wardrobe and only wear mascara and eyebrow shadow to darken my brows.
I rarely wear makeup because I also don’t like the way it feels. It makes my face itchy (I have eczema so that’s probably why). As for clothing, I don’t dress up in uncomfortable clothing. I always make sure my formal clothes are comfortable and have pockets, if possible. I also like rompers/jumpsuits. I have a few formal-ish jumpsuits because I don’t always want to wear a dress, and I find jumpsuits to be very comfortable. Comfort is always above fashion for me, unless it’s a pair of heels lol. The most effort I spend is on my hair. My hair is over two feet in length. When I curl it, it looks really nice. I can get away with just doing my hair and wearing mascara and lip gloss. I’ve never been a huge jewelry person but I always wanted to be the woman that has cute earrings in all the time, so I have 4 piercings on each ear and always wear hoops and studs. I feel more feminine with earrings and also like that I can just leave them in all the time and not fuss over them.
Someone has already talked about only doing part of a 'full face' of makeup, that's definitely going to help. Invest time into BUYING things, not wearing them. Nice shoes that are comfortable and pretty will go a long way, same goes for a coat and jewellery if applicable. Doesn't have to be dangly but, for example, small pearl earrings will be an instant boost without adding sensory fuzz. Well-fitting dresses take a lot of the effort out of getting dressed b/c there's less matching going on and they won't ride up or pull weirdly. There's a lot of very femme vintage inspired options. Also, get good tights if you wear them (not supermarket brand, but something properly stretchy). If you find something that fits well, don't hesitate to buy multiple colors. Easy win. Edit: hairstick buns with nice jewellery are a good quick + easy option!
I'm so anti-makeup that I get my eyebrows and lashes dyed. I just think I look more fascinating with black or dark blue eyelashes. LOL OK, and maybe some lightly-coloured lip gloss. But that's it!
I’ve really focused on my hair. I’m learning how to work with my waves instead of resenting them for not being straight (and easy) or just outright curly. Some days it’s a ponytail, some days the flat iron come out. Everyday is what I need that day. Also, I feel you about the femininity. Right now my ADHD father is recounting how when I was a child, I came home and told him I was a boy. Trans wasn’t really supported then (at all) and so he argued with me until I backed down that I was a girl. I’m 40 now. I don’t need to hear how he regrets not supporting that. How he wonders if it would have been different. I know I’m not built the most feminine, but goddamn, that boat sailed.
I never fit in either growing up, and I’m still very awkward. I have a kindergartner now and I’m very self conscious at pickup and drop off since so many of the other moms look great, even if they’re just wearing sweatpants. I’ve been shown so many times now how to do my makeup but I never remember what I’m told. I really need to start bringing a notepad when my makeup gets done. When I actually do my makeup I just look like a middle schooler who got into her mom’s makeup. As for my hair, ugh. It’s curly, wispy, and after all the hair loss from having two kids so very thin. It just always looks messy and frizzy. Headbands have been very helpful. I want to be more feminine too but putting on makeup, doing my hair, and picking out a great outfit with accessories is absolutely exhausting for me. I always second guess my choices, and even though I want to, I just don’t have motivation to do it every day. Plus when my options are get up and do my hair and makeup, or sleep in an extra 30 minutes, I choose sleep because I’m always so damn tired in the morning. I do agree with all the commenters about fit and color when it comes to cloths. I’m trying to build a capsule wardrobe to just get rid of the decision fatigue in the morning, and I’m going for quality clothes in classic styles that fit well and the colors work for me. I look at so many of the trendy clothes and think I’d just look like I’m pretending to be “cool” if I wear that. As for makeup, I like to think that I’m showing confidence in myself by not wearing any. Plus it was really funny a few weeks ago when I did have some makeup on and my kindergartner said to me, “why do you look like you’re pretty?” Do you live by a Sephora? I love Sephora even though I feel like I’m lost in Wonderland every time I go in there. The employees working in Sephora are very nice and helpful. Years ago I went to a Sephora and told one of the employees I only had mascara and I needed help. She was great and very patient with me. Plus you can sample some of the makeup so you will know if you like the way it feels or not. I know someday we will get this figured out! Until then, you now know you are not the only one feeling this way. ❤️
Not sure I can offer suggestions as I don’t really know how to “girl” either. I don’t wear any make up and wear the same 2 weeks worth of clothes rotation of outfits. I don’t really pay attention to that stuff. Jewelry that gets take on and off gets lost, so I stopped that a long time ago. A simple necklace that can stay on indefinitely is about as fancy as I get. Nails get messed up and aren’t worth paying $60+ for a day of fully polished nails. And frilly undies… no thank you. I prefer my 100% cotton full bottoms…it is such a sensory issue. I used to try and mask and do all that stuff. It was exhausting (and expensive). Not so much anymore. I am much more like the old woman at the bus stop in the Barbie movie than any other the characters….except maybe weird Barbie lol Sometimes I wish I could “girl” more to fit in, but alas I am not and I am okay with that :)