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For me, living alone/being alone at home is so..freeing? I can unmask, be non verbal for hours, do everything just the way I like it without having to worry about bothering anyone.
But I experience the same thing you described when my partner is home, like being in standby mode. Personally I think your second suggestion- being hyper attuned to whatever he's doing- sounds right.
Omg thank you for articulating what I find so hard about being a parent. I just have to be ‘on’ constantly, I can hardly ever sit in silence doing nothing useful. I’m always needed. I always have to be aware. It’s exhausting.
Theory: you know how body doubling can help get stuff done? I think the reverse of that is also possible. If my husband is chilling, I have to fight against my own inertia *and* his to get stuff done.
My boyfriend and I definitely struggle with this problem. He'll want to deep clean a space together, and I'm exhausted and just want to chill, or I'll want to go out or work on a project together, and he wants to watch movies and relax. It's hard, cause neither of us are wrong, but it can be incredibly demotivating for both of us.
I just adopted a stray cat and am doing the same thing, and that's rough because cats are all chill. Is my music too loud? Is the fan bothering him? Can't change the sheets because he's on the bed.
Omg same! We took in a stray kitten and I second guess if he likes the food, is the sound machine too loud for his sensitive ears, does he have enough toys, is he bored? It’s exhausting and it’s of my own making!
My husband is upsettingly productive, so I get to resent the energy he exudes when I'm stuck. Like he wants me to be productive at the same time. No.
Sometimes, I just want to be content in my stuckness instead of self loathing and panicked about it.
Oof. *so relatable* in every way.
Like I become hyper-aware of the many ways in which I should be being more productive, and the shame makes me even more stuck. The worst.
Definitely a thing. My boyfriend and I are both ADHD and depending on context, trying to do productive things while together either is a huge benefit orrrrr backfires horribly. Just wish I knew how to identify the context better...
This is so true.
I also find spending time with him to be rewarding (in the conditioning sense). If I’m alone, sitting on my butt, I’ll get restless and find something to do to entertain myself. But sitting on my butt next to him? My brain LOVES it.
I wish I knew the answer to this but I am also a far more capable human being when I live alone. I think when I live with anyone who ever they are and whatever my relationship to them is romantic or otherwise it sort of turns me into a giant child.
This this this omg, *this*
😭
Edited to add: When I’m alone, only I am responsible for taking care of (or not taking care of) my own shit. So if I fuck up, no one suffers but me. That’s pretty freeing.
It’s hard to have someone there and not eventually come to lean on them, particularly for the stuff that’s hard for me to stay on top of. But if theres no one there, I have to figure it out, one way or the other, and deal with the consequences. I don’t like the potential to “punish” other people or “drag them into my bullshit.”
That said. I *do* live with people (my partner and child), and am incredibly grateful for and love them both beyond words. My partner takes care of so much that I am in a constant state of I’m-not-doing-enough. (I realize this makes me extremely lucky in many ways…but ADHD’rs know how this is tricky too.)
I just wish I could have the strengths (and solo-failures) of solo-me AND live with other people.
I'm the same way, and I think for me it comes from an anxiety of being watched and then criticized/judged on what I'm doing, even if I know the person I'm with wont do that. Just the thought of someone being able to walk into the room I'm in and see what I'm doing, and they could criticize or make fun of it, makes it *really* hard to do anything. It just adds another emotional barrier to get over. Although I live with and grew up with parents that like to comment/make "joking" remarks on literally everything they see me doing, so it's probably not really a universal ADHD experience. It's just my personal experience, maybe someone else will relate.
This is literally me, my parents would do the same. I could write you a five paragraph essay about how much I identify with this, but instead I’ll just say I 100% get you and appreciate how exhausting and lonesome the fear of scrutiny and comments can be
Glad I could help a little <3 And sorry you had to go through that, I know it personally deeply affected me and the way I live. I could never understand how someone could be so cruel and unforgiving to a literal child.
Oh my god, yes. I know my husband isn't going to judge me for whatever I'm doing, but he *will* comment on it, and that's almost as bad. Like. Just let me exist.
Not crazy! Sometimes I just don’t want to be “perceived.” Sometimes I’m just a person that is existing and doing xyz in the same way that table is brown.
I don't think you're crazy.
I spent a decade in a marriage where I could literally walk by my ex naked and not even get a second glance. Now I tend to compliment my partner's body and let him know that he's wanted, a lot. And it's me modeling the behavior I want to see, which I've also verbalized to him. I want pretty consistent reassurance that he's attracted to me and I'm wanted. So for me, that's pretty ideal, but I get how it isn't for everyone.
I have a similar background, but swung from one extreme to the other. I just want a bit of balance!!
I appreciate where you are coming from though. It’s nice to feel attractive. For me, being seen as sexy should ideally come after feeling heard and connected.
No it’s annoying for sure. Like I do not exist to be eye candy for you at all times. Yes I’m glad my husband finds me hot but there are thoughts that are appropriate for the moment and some that can stay in his head. I remind him of this all the time.
He throws in the occasional thing about being smart and awesome, but I think it’s because he’s knows I’m annoyed. I am also smart and awesome though.
Edit: also. Thank you, I feel heard.
Lol yeah totally getcha! The backtracking when they think you're annoyed would totally get to me, too. Maybe try having a proper conversation with him and explain how you feel about it, if you haven't already :) I'm glad I could help!
I completely feel you there. I feel bad for getting snappy with my partner whenever he comments on something I'm doing, because he's not doing anything wrong, it just triggers me a bit.
Oh my god yes. My mom constantly "checks in" and asks what I'm doing and it just immediately pisses me off, don't really know why. Like why do you have to know what I'm doing at all times woman? Don't you have a life? But if I don't want to tell her, then it seems like I'm hiding something. Can't win.
I'm the same as well, but I know what it stems from for me, although there are several reasons:
1. Any messes or cleaning is mine, and mine alone. Other than my pets, I'm not "cleaning up" anyone else's mess. For some reason this is HUGE, and will make or break my mental ability to just go knock something out. Having things clean/neat lowers my stress, so when it's just me, I'm less likely to get a mess built up to begin with - but when you live with someone else, they inevitably have their own style of messes, and what doesn't bother them may drive me nuts, and now I *feel* like I'm doing double the work (even if they aren't a "messy" person).
1. Plus, the extra mess - even if it's just little things, trips me into the world of overwhelmed - maybe because there's no "thought process" I'm privy to that caused the mess to begin with? Not sure...
2. I need my solitude (introvert). Even if we're just chilling together and watching a show, all decisions and choices are mutual - which means I can't just go on my whim for that evening or day, which is stressful. Being able to just ADHD through my day without consulting or working around someone else is very peaceful to me.
3. I sleep better alone. Better sleep = better day. Simple but true. I hate sharing my CA King bed with anyone but the cat.
Those are really the main things. I don't think I'll ever go back to living with someone full time unless I need to bring in a roommate for financial reasons, but that would be the only reason anymore (in my mid-40's so past the age of dreaming of marriage and all that). I'm dating, but I think by this point I'm most happy in a non-traditional (aka, "date" forever) relationship.
ALLLLLLL of this, but especially this:
>Any messes or cleaning is mine, and mine alone. Other than my pets, I'm not "cleaning up" anyone else's mess. For some reason this is HUGE, and will make or break my mental ability to just go knock something out. Having things clean/neat lowers my stress, so when it's just me, I'm less likely to get a mess built up to begin with - but when you live with someone else, they inevitably have their own style of messes, and what doesn't bother them may drive me nuts, and now I *feel* like I'm doing double the work (even if they aren't a "messy" person). Plus, the extra mess - even if it's just little things, trips me into the world of overwhelmed
I did just fine on my own but now that I'm living with my partner, I constantly feel like I'm drowning. The mess bothers me way more than it does him.
This might be more of an anxiety thing than an ADHD thing, but just not having to worry about anything changing or moving in the house without me knowing is huge. I easily forget things and where things are, so not having worry about those things moving (and not having to “re-download” where they moved to), definitely frees up some space in my mind.
For example my deodorant now lives permanently on my kitchen counter. Not by choice, but because I’m usually in my kitchen when I realize I forgot to put some on, grab it to put some on, don’t put it back because my brain has already moved on to the next task, then run out the door.
I locked my car keys in my car three times in one week because I took off the lanyard that dangled on it and somehow that meant they no longer existed in my brain!
My cycle of oops I forgot— oh wait here it is! oops I forgot— is a very fragile system that relies on my own unconscious decisions and would totally get out of wack with another person 😅
My life improved exponentially when I got my own bedroom. We’ve never been privileged enough to have extra rooms, but now we do. And I got sick two years ago and spent a week sleeping in the guestroom because it is quiet and it is dark and my labored breathing/snoring did not bother my spouse.
That week long break in the guest room is going strong two years later, with a few weeks of guests visiting to renew our shared happiness in the separate sleep arrangements. And, No, our marriage is not in trouble. It’s better than ever.
I really need to figure out how to get my own bedroom somehow! It's not just that he snores occasionally, but I am also worried about waking him up if I can't sleep or am sick or whatever. It's so stupid, but I think I am such a f'ing antenna for other people's needs, etc. that I can't even turn it off when I'm asleep.
I 100% understand that. My worry that I am disturbing their sleep is constant and most likely right, because insomnia runs in their family and they are a light sleeper. The separate rooms freaked out some family members who thought we were having a rough patch but it has increased our intentional time together with more focus on being together over just being in the same room.
I just came to the same realisation for (1) about a month ago. I finally live on my own after living with someone (parents, siblings, roommate, partners) all my life and it still amazes me how in order my place is now. No doom shelves, no piles of mess, no piles of laundry, dishes, etc. It's so easier to make myself start on chores until they're completely finished.
I think on top of what you already mentioned about all the mess being my own mess, for me it's also the fact that everything is on their place according to my own systems that I'm free to change anytime I want? I don't have to consult anybody that the dishes have to be stacked a certain way because [insert logic] or cleaning the house have to start from a particular corner because [insert logic]. I can make sure every tasks follow the same algorithm and ends with the same results, no need to double check a task done by someone else etc.
I think if I ever decide to cohabit with someone, we'll have to have a super clear separation of space and chores or I'll be crazy.
Oh man, number 2. I love my wife but she is constantly asking me what I am planning to do next so she base her plans on it and it drives me fucking nuts. I just worked for 10 hours, I do not want to have to plan my evening for you.
My partner and I lived together better once we realized that It's good for us to sleep in separate spaces once in awhile. Sometimes it's nice to sleep in the same bed, but she is a light sleeper and I stay up later.
I think you're onto something with "permanent waiting mode". I feel like I can't ever really relax or fully concentrate when someone else is around, because on some level I'm anticipating an interruption. Having my relaxation or concentration broken like that is so unpleasant that I just don't do it in the first place.
Yes you get it! The constant anticipation of …SOMETHING … takes up so much mental space and doesn’t leave a lot of room for the things I need or want to do
I realized I did this bc when I was sick, he slept upstair, but one night came back for something in our bathroom. I’d fully relaxed and taken off my “mental prep” for visitors and therefore got irrationally angry and had to pretend I wasn’t bc it’d hurt his feelings. Ugh but yes that’s it. I was fully relaxed. I never am otherwise. Always on alert.
Totally agree here. I think it’s why I enjoyed my husbands deployments. I always felt weird saying that but it was true. It was 6 months of no waiting period
This right here! I feel like, even in my own home, I am just there to be a companion and must always be available to entertain when I live with someone. I can never 100% relax or concentrate. Its so annoying being in my brain sometimes 😂
Absolutely! I’m a single parent of two 12-year-old girls, and even after they go to bedrooms to read I can’t relax because they will come out of their room a couple times to use the bathroom, and every single time I hear them I know there’s a chance they might come try to talk to me. They are old enough now to where they don’t go to sleep until shortly before I go to bed so when they are home, I literally never get to relax at night. I am constantly on alert. The only time I can really relax in the evening is when they are at their dad’s overnight 20% of the time.
I do this all day, with my kids- if I find myself getting in a groove, or hyperfixating or just enjoying reading a book- I usually stop myself because I know they will come interrupt me soon and I will get so upset, it’s not worth even trying most of the time
Thank you thank you thank you for putting this into words!! I’m a night-owl by nature but I stay up even later than I probably would most nights for this reason exactly. Sometimes I can only really THINK when I know there’s no chance anyone will disturb me. I’m not sure if I’ve ever put it into exactly the words you did, but that’s exactly what it is 🤯
Part of it is that *every* decision becomes just that much more complex with other people involved.
I can't just cook dinner when I'm hungry, I need to time it based when husband will be home and what he might want to eat, and based on what's available in the fridge/pantry, which I have to actively figure out because I can't count on the leftovers I was planning on using still being in the fridge because he might have taken them to work for lunch or thrown them away because he thought they'd gone bad.
I can't just put away the load of laundry because maybe he decided to put the overstock paper towels on the shelf in the closet where I usually keep the spare towels so now I have to stop and figure put which one of those things I'm going to fix.
I can't just feed the dog because maybe he fed the dog before he left for work so I need to text him to find out.
Note that this isn't even factoring in the irritating things partners do like leaving dirty socks on the floor that you just picked up. No, even the helpful things my partner does complicate my workflow so I am never able to just, perform my routine tasks and count on things to be the way I expect them to be.
I feel this when I live with a partner, it’s like my whole world revolves around them in such an unhealthy way I can’t figure out how to just live like a normal person in my own house
This is giving me big ol’ feelings. Wow this whole thread is knocking my freakin socks off!!!
Dinner,especially, is a thing for me. Like many of us, 9 times outta 10, I couldn’t give a flying fuck about what’s for dinner. On my own? I’ll eat (or not) when I’m hungry (or not) whatever I feel like eating (or don’t).
Having to be any part of the decision of What’s For Dinner is very stressful and unpleasant for me. Picking the meal! Making sure it’s healthy and meets everyone’s preferences and dietary restrictions! Shopping for and prepping the things! Having the executive function to cook the things (double this if there’s an actual *recipe* to follow)! Eating it at someone else’s “appropriate” time! *NOPE NOPE NOPE*
When that whole thing is crossed off my list—preferably by either (a) me not being home at dinner time for some reason, or (b) my other family members not being home, because sometimes even someone else cooking makes me feel guilty (even though I do great with cleanup duty!)—it makes my day so much easier.
The most annoying thing to me is when my partner cleans the kitchen (partially - putting dishes to the dishwasher, meticulously cleaning countertops and sink) before he leaves for work. The issue is - I work part-time and often I'm at home at this time. Just after he leaves, I have to prepare school lunch to our daughter and make a breakfast for her. I don't see the sense in his actions and it disturbs me and puts off balance.
He also puts things "the wrong way" in the dishwasher and puts clean dishes away to the wrong places. I mean - how hard is it to learn that e.g. silicone covers "live" in the right drawer, not the left one ?
I noticed one thing - when we fight sometimes, I consciously detache myself mentally from him. And it works like a shot of energy... strange...
I feel you. My ex left me because of my ADHD symptoms. I don't think I'll ever be able to trust another man like I had trusted him. Maybe someday I'll be able to date, but unless I can somehow overcome this, I won't have another lasting relationship. I have no desire to date again. Just the thought of going through the getting to know you phase sounds like a true nightmare to me. And I don't know that I would find someone that would accept my faults. My ex and I were HS sweethearts, married for 20 years, with kids, and he was unwilling to wait for me to get treatment for my symptoms. He said I was incredibly unaware of so many things, and that if I go into a future relationship, I should learn how to pay attention to my partner, read them, and understand them. The kicker is that he never said anything while we were married. Just quietly resented me for not noticing things. I had no idea he was feeling this way, or I would have taken steps to address it. I would have done anything for that man, and now I realize how he really did not deserve it. He made me feel like the most unlovable person in the world. And he also said that my goal for the future should not be to have someone love me for who I am, but love me for the person I have the potential to be. I've sent him websites and books about ADHD to read (our son has it too), but he still doesn't get it, and thinks I can "snap out of it" if I really want to when I'm stuck.
Wow, same. No direct communication, just hints. I'd ask what was wrong and he would gaslight me and say everything was fine! He dumped me 3 days after my birthday with no warning and it was brutal. I'm glad he dumped me now. Living with him was terrible for my anxiety. I'm so sorry to both of you for struggling with this.
It's good that you can see you're better off without him. I know that someday I'll see it too, but I can't yet, because of many personal reasons, the main one being our kids. I do not wish to be back with him, nor would I ever take him back if he tried (which he wouldn't, as he made it very clear), but I do wish he had stayed until the kids were out of the house (another 3-4 years), even if we stayed in separate bedrooms. He should have put their needs first, especially because they are neurodivergent like me and face extra challenges that neurotypical kids don't. But he was focused on my faults, and decided I wasn't the partner he wanted for the second half of his life (his words). One thing that has been really nice is that for some reason he didn't like when I wore fleece robes and/or sweatpants around the house for long periods of time (I was a stay at home mom, wanted to be comfortable in my own house and didn't feel the need to dress up), but after he left I can wear whatever I want and it doesn't matter if it's stained or has holes, as long as it's comfortable (for the record, it's extremely rare that I wear something stained or with holes, but I could...), and there's no one secretly judging me. It was very freeing, and I hadn't realized before how much anxiety his comments and looks had caused me in the past.
I'm so sorry for both of you too! My ex said I should have seen it coming because he gave many signs. But his biggest complaint about me was that I was oblivious to everything around me. He can't have it both ways... He changed, became a selfish person, and somehow kept that hidden. I didn't see it because I trusted him completely, and didn't think he'd ever leave me, so the little things that I can now see in hindsight were easily explained/excused in my mind. He surprised me on New Years Eve by saying he had been thinking about a trial separation. Then found an apartment on New Years day and left. That holiday is now a major trigger for me. I was on a plane at the end of December, and the flight attendant wished everyone a Happy New Year over the speakers and I started crying. On Dec. 31 I took a couple extra sleeping pills (that I still have to take every night or I can't sleep) and went to bed. I did not want to witness it, or think about him celebrating it with his new girlfriend. I don't think I'll ever have a Happy New Year again. It will always be the anniversary of the worst, most traumatic day of my life. I spent two years in profound grief and despair, crying almost every day. But I've finally been able to stop the crying and despair. I honestly don't know how, and even thinking of him with his girlfriend doesn't hurt like before. Thinking of her being around my kids still does, and I find myself getting incredibly jealous and unable to accept that he's trying to build a new family with my kids and another woman. I know I can't stop it and will have to figure out a way to accept it, but I'm really struggling with this.
My husband is also ADHD so I don’t necessarily feel a pressure to “mask on” all the time, though I can only imagine how it would be even MORE exhausting to feel that!
And I totally get you about the pets part. I have two high energy dogs and one is especially bad because, thanks to his breed, he is ALWAYS watching me and orienting himself around me and on alert for anything I might do. That kind of attention feels like a microscope and I find myself constantly watching him too 😅
I have an ever watchful German Shepard! Sometimes I like to include her in what I'm doing so I don't feel the unease when she stares directly into my soul. She usually, very quickly, realizes that what I'm doing isn't all that exciting and wanders off to a different part of the house 😂
Your comment about pets really hits home with me right now. My dog was supposed to be an emotional support animal, but it turns out she's fearful and anxious and reactive. So I'm hyperaware of her all the time, always stressed putting so much of myself into trying to keep her happy and still convinced I'm not doing enough and shaming myself every time she struggles. I've recently decided to rehome her for both our sakes and it's the worst thing.
I'm just chiming in to say this was a validating thread to read, and I appreciate OP for posting it and for everyone else replying.
I don't have a solution beyond trying to become more comfortable asking for alone time where no one else is home. If your partner is someone who has hobbies or friend/family groups within visiting distance, maybe you can encourage them to do some solo activities outside the home so you get the place to yourself every once in a while.
But yeah, I was having the similar thoughts just the other day - I miss the feeling of internal peace of living alone and only having my own space and messes and interests to feel responsible for.
The end of last year I had a bit of a lightbulb moment where I realized I had a lot of codependent tendencies. I think it had been marinating for a few months after someone asked me what I wanted to do for some period of time, like a weekend or break or something. Haha, it may have even been about my birthday, I don't remember. But all of my answers were something like, "well, if partner wants to do thing A then we'll probably do that, but if they want to do thing B and will be out then maybe I'll..."
After a few seconds into my response they said, "no, what do YOU want to do." And it kinda broke my brain? It was like I had a mental block and just couldn't make my brain think about what I wanted to do without it being based around someone else's wants and schedule.
I'm getting better at paying attention to if something is what I actually want or if it is me trying to accommodate what I think the other person wants or would like. But it takes conscious effort and I often still feel guilty or anxious about voicing these wants. (And of course one should consider people in their life when it comes to decisions but you should also be able to determine what YOU want within that calculation, ykwim?)
This started as me wanting to post a single sentence and then became way long, sorry folks! 😅
> And, if I can gigure out why, then maybe I can recreate it in my current living situation?
Can you both buy or rent a duplex and you get one half and he gets the other?
For me cohabitating or roommates was always a mental drain. It's the permanent waiting mode, & sensitivity to sound (I'd be listening for footsteps coming so never could get into deep focus mode)- if you love your roommate/partner part of your brain wants them to pop up so you can play & is listening for that. if you are angry with them part of your brain stays in hypervigiliance to know where they are to avoid.
Never being able to have my own systems that work for me in place because they get moved around. Trying to track my own things amongst others' stuff.
Plus, when I am completing a task stuff looks a lot worse before it gets better and I likely have childhood shame from that, so I HATE having anyone bare witness to my process- this goes for cooking, cleaning, making things, work, whatever. I can perfomr tasks around others, of course, but it takes more mental load to keep the chaos down. Just relaxing to know I can make my mess then resolve it at my own pace.
I’m the same, my 2 years of living solo were an oasis of cleanliness and good housekeeping in an otherwise disorganized life. I know have a partner and twin preschoolers and am better at maintaining than I used to be, but it’s a struggle. I wish I had answers.
For me the biggest issues are :
1. My stuff getting moved and then I can’t find it. For example, hubs will see my phone on top of the made bed and decide that’s not a smart place for it and move it to a “better” place. But I can’t see it in the “better” place. I PURPOSELY left it in a spot where I couldn’t miss it.
2. My organizational systems being ignored and ruined. For example, hubs puts away cans in the pantry. He just sticks them on the can shelf willy-nilly even though they’re divided into categories on the shelf. When I say, “hey, can you please put the beans in the bean section next time?” He says, “what do you mean? All the cans are just thrown in there.” No. No they are not. It may take me a long time to get around to organizing something. But when I do it, it’s a deep organize that’s thought out and sustainable. It takes so much effort and energy to get it done. And then it’s just shat on. It’s crushing and defeating and makes me avoid organizational overhauls because I know I’ll have to keep redoing the same work repeatedly.
3. The constant threat of being interrupted stops me from starting anything. I’m very hyperfocus-oriented when it comes to getting things done. It works very well when I’m working on something that needs to be done. But being interrupted is extremely frustrating and aggravating for me, and my husband is an interrupter. So if he’s home, or expected to come home, I often can’t get into the zone with something that’s needed but not alluring to me.
I have no idea how to fix these things. My husband travels a lot, so that helps with #3 to a point, but then I have the kids by myself so I’m interrupted anyway.
I was very close to opting out of marrying him and having kids because I loved being alone so much. I knew I would have these issues.
It’s the worst. My husband also has this need to interrupt AND THEN redirect me to the thing he needs help getting done. It’s absolutely infuriating. He can see I’m totally immersed in something and then is like “I’m going to run to the store. What do we need?” As if that’s a simple ask. Oh, ok. Let me just stop what I’m doing and do an inventory of what we have , make a meal plan for the week, and make a complete list for you. RIGHT NOW. no biggie.
Wow, I feel like you're living my life. Everything has a home, even the cans. I can't find it if it's not in its home! I took a screenshot of this so I can show my husband I'm not alone. 🥲
And THE CHILDREN. I have four under 12. Every time I hear their voices, my focus evaporates. 🫠
You’re definitely not alone! I wish everything had a home. I try really hard because it makes my life so much easier. But then there’s only so many times I can open the pots and pans cabinet and see pot lids tossed haphazardly RIGHT NEXT TO the pot lid rack before I get too discouraged to bother fixing it again. 😩
Oh my goodness YES to the organisation systems being messed with!! I know I’m particular but these things just make sense to me and help me function & flow (since I’m home most of the time and do most of the housework & management of everything & the kids).
Same here! What kills me the most is the total failure to even see the systems. Like they don’t even LOOK to see if there’s an order to anything, despite seeing me spend literal hours organizing something.
I’d be 100% willing to rework things if they pointed out functionality issues. I want the systems to work! But to have all my efforts treated like they don’t exist. Ugh. It’s so demoralizing.
Yes to this!
I just commented above about my partner messing with putting things away, when he unloads the dishwasher.
And it's not like "my system " is twisted or unlogic.
When I keep glasses and pitchers on the one shelf and salat bowls on the other, WHY do you put the pitcher between the salat bowls???
This really resonated with me, thank you for sharing. My childhood home wasn’t physically abusive, but I grew up with a billion younger siblings, an overwrought and emotionally volatile mother, and a stressed out and angry father. I think I was constantly attuned to everyone’s moods and movements so that I could just tiptoe around situations and try to quietly live my life. I think I’m still subconsciously doing that. I also realize that I hate being asked what I’m doing or why I’m doing it, even just innocent questions “what are you doing tonight” or “what book are you reading.” I just want to quietly exist without being questioned. Yikes back to therapy.
I really feel this. I think also, my parents are both neurodivergent too, and therefore have that black and white thinking so many of us do. I think even with the best of intentions, if someone has black and white thinking, it can feel controlling and judgmental to others. It’s been helpful for me to recognize this about my parents to have more compassion for how they can be - it has yet to help me figure out how to untangle all those early messages of unworthiness but I am so hopeful now, knowing what is going on! That sense of being in “standby mode” is something I hadn’t recognized about myself until sort of recently but that I absolutely am constantly doing if I’m not alone. Thank you really so much for this thread, it is helping me feel much less “not normal” than I usually do ❤️❤️❤️
I hear this! My solo mum has/had her own mental health struggles and a quick temper so I grew up being incredibly sensitive to her moods and passive aggression (no judgment on mum, she was young and did the best she could). There was also a period of time with an abusive stepfather who assaulted mum and terrorised us both psychologically. Loud voices, yelling, slamming doors, even loud talking and laughing, like you say...it all really makes my logical brain completely grind to a halt.
Edited for clarity.
I wish I could give some sort of helpful advice but also just chiming in to say I totally get this, particularly "waiting mode." I have always felt this way when I've lived with other people. It feels like I have to be "on" at all times or I'm going to get into trouble for not being productive. The idea of someone walking in had me constantly mentally constructing "excuses" for why I was doing what I was doing so nobody would think that I was lazy or silly. Like I couldn't focus on what I was actually trying to do because I was too busy trying to come up with a defence for doing it in the first place! I also think it's why I'm such a night owl - I know no one is going to be bothering me/expecting anything of me at 2am!
I'm lucky enough to live alone now (I moved back to my rural hometown - because cost of living and menty-b - and privately rent a small house on a family property) and I've never made such huge strides in areas like housework, cooking, general organisation/life management. Shit is still HARD (and I still feel like I could be observed/judged at any moment) but the pressure is so much less intense. I hope that you can find a way to compromise and find some peace in your current situation - it sounds like your husband is a good dude so hopefully between you you can think up some strategies. Thanks for sharing this, it really resonated.
Your night owl comment just floored me. I have never put two and two together, but holy shit YES that's it. I adore my partner. I love spending time with him. He would never judge me for anything, but I am still on edge in case he does. I only just last year became comfortable cleaning while he was in the house. I used to hate cleaning when anyone else could see me. Even now, I put on my headphones and a podcast and tell him that he isn't allowed to talk to me for 6 hours while I get shit done.
Yep, I've realised I feel more relaxed at night time because I'm not anticipating things happening or being observed. I absolutely cannot relax during the day, even on weekends, for the same reason. There's a part of my brain that still thinks I don't deserve it or that I'm going to be criticised for it, even if I've been productive for 95% of the day. It's incredibly hard to get past. I feel you!
Thank you! I've never really talked to anyone about this aspect of ADHD before and it's been so validating to hear that I'm not the only one, although I'm sad to hear it at the same time. Hugs for you as well. 💗
It’s only sad when I consider how long I’ve felt like that (and many other ways) and felt SO alone with it. Seeing other people mention these things in such very specific words is unbelievably validating…which is to say, it’s SO validating I almost can’t believe it’s real sometimes.
And thank you for sharing this! It really resonates so much with me that I was like 😳😳 at first. 😂😂
Were you abused? You don’t have to answer (I’m asking to help you and help us all flesh this out), but the reason I unknowingly started doing the things you mentioned was to try to survive in a very abusive household.
I don’t know how much is abuse and how much is ADHD and how much is being very physically ill, because I battle all of them 😩, but I definitely know I had to be in “waiting mode”/survival mode to protect myself because the abuse would pop off at anytime. Especially the staying up late! I was free!!! The only time I was!
What do you think? If you’d like to share. Either way, thanks for helping me feel less alone also! 😊💕
TLDR: I’m wondering if ADHD, being abused, and/or Complex PTSD are related/co-occur since people can often be so mean to us for things we can’t help. To me, the comments and posts (especially on this post) seem too similar to be just ADHD. But maybe it’s ADHD plus how badly we get treated on average (often becoming abusive)? So therefore some level of PTSD? 🤔🤷♀️
You're welcome! I'm pretty good at oversharing and over-explaining myself, so I apologise for the long replies! 😅Going to flag the next paragraph as a spoiler because it discusses abuse.
>!There was an incident of sexual abuse by a family member (distant relative) when I was quite small, but it was a one-off incident (as far as I can recall) and didn't happen in my own home. I wasn't physically abused by my stepdad like my mum was, but he subjected us to all sorts of dangerous behaviour that often made me fear for my life (fishtailing down dirt roads in the car, screaming he was going to kill us all, etc). I don't know if the abusive situations I've been in are connected to my behaviours in this regard; I do feel like it was more that I had to become very aware of the "mood" of the house at all times, but I suppose that's a trauma response in itself, isn't it? It's all so hard to untangle. There are experiences from adulthood as well, but I don't think they're as relevant for me personally.!<
I do think that because there are so many comorbidities to ADHD it makes it hard to differentiate what comes from where, but I don't think it's unrealistic to suspect that because of how we're wired differently to NT women that the cards are stacked against us from the start, and we wear the negative consequences of that in similar ways. I'm sorry that's not really much of an answer! I appreciate your kind words and ideas and send all the love right back at ya. 💗
Ditto on the night owl! As much as I want to be productive in the morning before 12pm hits (otherwise in my mind, the whole day is wasted if I don’t get started early), the evening/ late night is when I feel most at peace. I’m not expected to answer emails, reply to messages, anticipate phone calls, or go anywhere. There’s less going on outside as most people are home. It’s much less overstimulating and therefore when I feel I have the most mental clarity. 🙏🏻
Having your own bedroom and your own bed can sometimes help, having your own physical space that you can keep and decorate 100% in your own way, and feels like your own. You can still sleep together when you want to, but it’s easier if you have a different getting up schedule that you can go back to your own bed after late night cuddles/sex/etc and still wake up refreshed and not like you’re missing out on more cuddles with your hubby.
Being able to go to your own space when you need some alone time, and him being able to do the same teling each other you don’t wanna be with each other at the moment without directly saying it, taking your own personal time.
Also make sure you have meals together, but also make sure you have meals apart where you do your own thing, like if one wants to eat early and the other late etc.
It’s not possible for everyone and I don’t know your situation, so sorry if this isn’t applicable to you
Me moving into my own bedroom was a huge game changer in my relationship!
After 14 years of sharing a room and a bed, I finally have my own space and I feel I can have my own personality apart from my husband. It was a big wake up call as to how codependent our relationship had become.
I love having my own bed, I'm a light sleeper and night owl. So now I sleep soooo much better!
We can still be intimate and share a bed if we want to, but it's so nice having my own space again.
I have my own dedicated room in my home too. It’s tiny but it’s all mine. However I leave it when I walk out is how it will be when I return to it. This is a really, really big deal. I’ve never walked into it, not once, and NOT thought *it’s so amazing to have this*
Yeah I bet! I am very codependent myself and make my partner my entire personality almost yknow, like I am not even my own person anymore and start adjusting myself to them and their hobbies etc. It’s really why this tip fits me so well, I will always make sure to have my own bedroom when I get a partner again
For me this is because no one is judging. I can finally do things that make sense to me. Not what arbitrarily standard other people set. Like why do I *need* to do the dishes when I have no use of the dishes at the moment? I struggle to do the dishes because my brain does not understand why it needs doing. When it does need doing, I will do them.
I hate it when the only reason I do things is to stop people from being mad at me, double hard when I can’t work out why and when they’d be mad at me.
YES!
Like, what if I want to do the laundry at 2 am because that’s when the spirit happened to move me to do so and I know if I don’t do it while I can, it’s not gonna happen?
The feeling of someone always being mad at you (or me, in my own instance) or about-to-be-mad-at-you, even if it’s unfounded, is absolutely crippling.
Oh man… that last little paragraph/sentence… yesss!! I grew up in an abusive household with very neurotypical people with low empathy… it was not fun. lol
I really feel this post deep in my soul. I've been with my other half for nearly ten years and he has saved me so much. However, I constantly want to go and live on my own. I find that I am very codependent on him and because he helps me so much I have lost a great deal of independence. I'm off work sick currently and love being alone at home, pottering. But he gets home at like 3/4pm of an evening (he starts work super early) and I'm a late riser, so I feel that I'm rushing to have these hours to myself. When he tells me he is getting home late I am so happy, it makes me feel free.
We made the spare room into my office/relaxing room, but I barely use it because when he is at home I feel I should be with him. He tells me to use it because he knows I need alone time, but I always feel guilty. My need to be alone then builds up and I end up saying too bluntly that I wish I lived alone. It makes me feel guilt again because he is the most wonderful man and he understands my POV, I just forget to allow myself my alone time before I get to burnout. I feel that when he is home that I'm not "allowed" to just go and be myself, even though he has never said this. It's like I have rules in my head that I've made up and follow, but they make no sense.
I resonate with so many comments, although I'm struggling to fully express myself, I get the wanting to live alone.
You expressed yourself perfectly! I totally get your made up rules part. I do that to myself so much and it’s so inhibiting. I’m trying to let them go, but they’re pretty deeply ingrained 😅
It makes me relieved to hear I'm not the only one out there with lots of made up rules. (Although it would be nice if neither of us had them) I never know what they are until the moment either, so they're tricky to follow lol! I watched a lovely video today on YouTube called "Happier Alone", it's a 'stop motion animation' and it's about the individual explaining why he prefers his solitude. If you haven't already seen it you might like it.
[Happier Alone](https://youtu.be/GQL0nSpMSwg?si=IB1dKNPa2yGRJ0cv)
I’ve said this a million times. Husband actually agrees that I was better when I lived alone and we might try to let me stay at a hotel a weekend here and there if I can get over the guilt and not mentally scar my kids. My mental and physical health are exhausted by the nonstop noise and needs of everyone around me. And I’m dying in the middle unseen.
That's a great idea! It's great that your husband is being supportive. When my kids were younger, and I couldn't take all the noise anymore, I'd hide in the bathroom or the floor of my closet, cover my ears, rock back and forth, and fantasize about running away for a week to a hotel where no one could find me. I knew I would never do it, but I always felt so horrible afterwards, because what kind of mom has those kinds of thought? It makes so much sense to me now that I know about my ADHD and probably ASD as well.
Same. Adhd and probably ASD too. Kids and family are so overstimulating. I try noise canceling headphones and definitely hide a lot. If I can get over the guilt of taking time for me, then I’ll try the hotel. I just feel like a terrible mom for needing it but it’ll probably make me a better mom and wife and human to recharge.
Yes, please take the time to yourself. I wish I had found time for myself back when my kids were still younger. There were days when I felt utterly trapped. I'm guessing a lot of moms have the same thoughts/feelings (even neurotypical ones), but we can't admit it to anyone else because society would judge us harshly (probably no harsher than we already judge ourselves, though). The guilt was so intense sometimes, and even knowing I loved them so much and would do anything for them didn't always help. You won't scar your kids. You can make it fun and bring them little gifts (maybe a special candy) when you return. They may even start looking forward to your weekends away. :) As my kids got older, I was able to take a few solo trips, and the difference it made was huge. I couldn't believe it. I came back refreshed and ready to tackle our crazy life again.
Thank you. This helps so much just to hear that it’s ok to take care of ourselves. And I love the little gifts ideas. My son def has some of me in him. My daughter too. So we will see. Watching closely.
I forgot to mention one more thing. I don't know why, but it sounded to me like your kids are still little. I want you to be aware that there's a high chance some of them might have inherited these from you (especially the ASD, if you end up having it). 2 of my kids are ASD, and I think the 3rd is too, but hasn't been tested yet. One of them has severe ADHD like me, and another probably has it, but hasn't been tested (but has to take medication for it). It may not be very apparent when they're younger (you may think they're just a little quirky, for example), but it becomes more noticeable as they get older and you start to see the differences with peers their own age. It's very apparent when they're teenagers. Just something to keep an eye on, because if any of them start showing signs, you can get them help early on, which makes a big difference. :)
Do it! Take that hotel getaway. My husband and I have also discussed this and we’re planning for the day where I get so burnt out from work and just existing that I’ll have to slip away for a few weeks or so. He gets it 100% thankfully, it sounds like yours does as well!
I have it the other way - my dream vacations is staying at home alone, with my partner and daughter somewhere else.
I KNOW I would clean and organise the house spotless, do my hobby, tend to the garden and much more - but I should be alone and not interrupted by anyone or anything.
It’s because, we don’t like to be watched when doing tasks, because it feels like we’re being silently judged by whomever is around.
By being alone, no one can do this. We are free from anyone’s expectations but our own.
Unfortunately I don’t have any advice, just solace. I too feel like I’m in waiting mode, even when my partner is on the opposite corner of the house and has told me directly to relax and unmask and stop people pleasing. So alas, I’m now single and live alone 🤷🏻♀️ I do so so much better alone. I have infinitely more energy, motivation, and executive functioning.
This is happening to me, I have "made" my own room, only for me, here I am, scrolling to insanity while my boyfriend in the livingroom thinking I am studying for real because I have been here for hours. But I am capable of doing my work out rutine at least.
I’ve replied to so many comments in this thread (*one of the best I’ve ever seen on this sub!!*)but I just thought of another thing that makes it hard for me to live with other people:
If I get excited about an idea, or am feeling particularly talkative in a given moment, and approach someone I live with and am rebuffed because it’s “too much”, I can get SO deflated. Sometimes it’s almost physically painful.
Rationally, I understand that their “rebuffing” me is totally legitimate: they’re not in the same mindset at the moment—maybe they’re tired, or in the middle of doing their own thing, or just want peace and quiet and space! I mean, I can certainly relate to feeling those things, and feel them at my own times about various kinds of “input”.
Here’s the thing though: I’m sure most of you can relate to that thing where you feel like you’re “too much”. But when it’s *in your own home*, it feels different. You can’t escape the same way you can in say, a social situation (those can feel terrible too, but generally you can physically remove yourself at some point).
“Home” is equated with “safe place”, ideally. But in those moments of rejection, I feel that my “too muchness” is (1.) “unsafe” to the other person, and their not fully embracing me *all the time*(ridiculous, I know!) is (2.) “unsafe” for me.
Meds help with this whole thing a decent amount, but it still happens sometimes, and it can be rough. Does anyone else know what I mean?
Just wanted to reply that you are not alone in that and that I know what you mean! I grew up feeling that way basically constantly and unfortunately often as an adult. It’s a really lousy feeling and I’m sorry you experience it as well. A lot in this thread is resonating, it’s nice to not feel quite so defective/rejected/alone 💕
Living alone gave me such a sense of freedom! Nobody got to witness my mistakes, failures, clumsiness, half-completed tasks, food I forgot in the oven, or my cacophony of morning alarms. I wasn't embarrassed and only the cat was annoyed with me (he accepted treats as apologies). Maybe it was just the massive reduction in feeling shame?
I haven't yet replicated that freedom while cohabitating.
ETA: Let me know if anyone figures it out.
I’m better at everything when I have alone time. I’m a parent to a preschooler and my life feels like it’s been on pause, especially with my partner being wfh too. I just feel like time to decompress and be my own person always brings out the best in me. It’s as simple as I don’t have anyone else to take care of. I just focus on my needs in the present, I don’t have to worry about skipping out on meals because I might just want to make something for myself only and not other people, I don’t have someone chatting at me and demanding my attention and depleting my spoons. I don’t have to clean after someone or be upset that X person used X thing. It’s just easier managing a single person.
It’s a small point of contention between my partner and I since I need so much “alone time,” but he’s been gracious enough to let me have a second room to myself. I hide (sometimes too much, Hense the contention) when things get too overwhelming and I try to confine my messes to one space. We rarely do meals together, but that’s more of a product of dissimilar feeding schedules. It makes meals together more special I think too.
Yes I feel this so hard, I lived alone for years and now I’m back with my parents for the last year and a half and I’ve done absolutely zero with my life since. I need to live alone again soon or I will surely expire lol
I literally had to tell my bf he was banned from sundays so I could "get my life together" LOL so I have no tips, only sympathy. I have this problem too, with roommates as well! I just cannot focus with that outside stimuli, even if I'm comfortable with them.
I get the same. I WFH a lot and find it really hard when husband gets back early from work.
Even though he will just be downstairs doing his own thing, because he's there and I'm aware of him it's a distraction. I feel compelled to go down and talk to him and I find it harder to stay on task.
Wow. I didn’t realize other people struggle with something so similar. I work from home and even if someone is quiet and not being disruptive, I can’t focus. I need to be alone.
I don’t have advice but I feel less upset with myself knowing I’m not alone in this.
Same! Your things don't get moved so less hunting for things. There's no back & forth about who will do what or when/how - it's all on you. You get to make all the decisions about how to arrange the day, decorate, purchases, bills, pets. No one interrupting you in the middle of things. Significantly less mess to contend with. Less noise. I can have a podcast blaring while I fall asleep. I do find it lonely sometimes, but living with a partner/room mates was terrible for me - I was constantly overwhelmed & ended up burnt out.
I had the exact same problem until we moved into a place with two floors. With him being upstairs it fixed the issue at least 75%. Hoping our next place has a basement for his office lol.
I appreciate your post. I hadn’t thought of it this way and it makes sense while I get so irritable because I literally have no time to myself at home. He talks about all the friends he has but talks to none of them.
I can only relax when no one else’s energy is in the house. I crave connection but function best in isolation. To manage that, every few months I contact a woman that has an Airbnb in my town, far enough away to have real space but close enough to care for my mom if needed as I care for my elderly mother in my home. The woman with the Airbnb is amazing, has cared for elderly parents in the past and lets me stay if she doesn’t have paying guests scheduled. All I pay is the cleaning fee, and I do most of the cleaning for her as a thank you (I used to own/operate a b&b.) it helps just knowing the possibility of staying there and letting my nervous system reset exists.
This is so unbelievably relatable to me, OP.
*WOW* Looking forward to the replies to see why other people think this is.
Thank you so much for posting this. 💗
Hope we both can find ways to sort it out ‘cause I like the people I live with, too!
From a lot of the comments it sounds like unmasking is very freeing. Maybe its the masking that makes it so hard to life with other people around?
I've never lived alone but everyone tells me I should but for me it's hard to imagine how it would be better considering what I think about when living with a roommate. She lives a very scheduled life and sometimes when I hear her doing things it reminds ME to do things - like she's awake so you should wake and get ready for school, its meal time please consider your hunger status, its 11pm she's going to sleep you should also not be up super late after this. I always think about moving to my own place but then I'd be scared I'd end up a hermit and not have human interaction (by choice).
I feel those reminders too but they also come with pangs of this almost panicked feeling, like "oh shit of course I'm last again." Probably some trauma from my upbringing, e.g. being last to wake up and being poked at for it by others. When I lived alone I could ease into a real schedule, it wasn't perfect at first, but I'd get like a fiery passion to work on it after letting myself go and my life becoming shit lol (nocturnal schedule, barely any food in the fridge, etc.) It becomes easier over time, and you can also have external accountability from having places to be (clubs, gym, work, hanging out with friends, etc.) I'm also considering getting a dog, you need to get up to feed and walk them.
Oh man this is so weird I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently, I am the same way whilst living with my husband. It’s just so different being alone. I love him obviously and want to spend time with him all the time. But I think it’s detrimental to my mental health to not have some chunks of alone time. Him being in his office doesn’t do it and it really needs to be a few hours at minimum to be effective for me. It’s very frustrating.
I so hear you. And I’m right there with you. I’d like to figure it out as well because I currently live alone and I just love it so much. However, I’d like to be capable of living with someone I love and possibly even having a family. I just… don’t know how it would be possible. I’d be so resentful. At least in my current state of mind. I don’t know 😭
Either myself, my husband or one of my kids has been sick over the last three weeks and I have slowly been going nuts. I'm ready to cry at the drop of a hat and I really just want to be alone for like a week now and not talk to anyone.
Thanks for sharing this. It’s brought tears to my eyes. This is my daily reality too, and it’s blowing my mind too to hear someone saying it! I hate the question what’s for dinner so much, it sends me into a total spin - for all the reasons you’ve listed. I appreciate you voicing it x
Tell him you need time to be home alone to recharge and see if he can leave the house for certain periods of time so he can go do a hobby or something lol
I’ve been living alone for almost a year and love it! For all the reasons already mentioned.
I’m coming up on a lease renewal and I’m not sure what to do. Money is a problem and I need more structure. I really don’t know how to eat healthy on a budget.
I’ve decided I need to find a way to stay alone. Like I’m definitely up for a relationship again if it’s a fit bit I’d love to also still have my own place.
I’ve got the opposite, if I’m alone I have no one to keep me accountable, I will forget to do basic things for myself like feeding myself and end up desperately making food at midnight 😹 (that is exactly what happened the other night when my husband was away on a business trip)! 🙈
this isn’t my experience but friends: she and her wife got a house that has more modes of separation. they both actually function pretty well having somewhat “separate” lives. they both have their own bedroom and often do sleepovers (v cute), they have their own bathrooms bc my friend (the adhd one) gets completely off task for the day if she gets ready in the same place as wife. they also have their own cabinets for specific foods (like workout supplements and certain snacks). they have a system where if either one of them is in the living room, they’re signaling that they are okay with talking/hanging out/freely making plans for the rest of the day. i probably left out details but that’s something they do that helps!
My BF had a job interview this week, and my child is being a moody teen, while I'm battling pmdd out of hell I swear. The bf was a ball on neurotic energy and my kid goes through mood swings. I realized at least one of us in that whole hot mess has to keep their shit together. So I did, except now that the interview is over, I'm so drained and just feel dead inside. I'm struggling with regulating myself, having angry outbursts, and I'm so deeply ashamed. My kid had a mini panic attack yesterday and I handled it oh so wrong and I feel so guilty. I apologized profusely but I just feel like a terrible shitty parent because out of all people, my child is the one who actually needs a functional adult, and I'm completely out of my spoons because I did not ration them properly. I tend to have things somewhat ok but this week had just been rough. On better days I make sure my family knows my alone time requirements, I need to communicate ahead that I am disregulated, and when my bf and I decide to move in together (not happening any time soon, hahaha but we do spend weekends together where he stays at our place) we are getting separate bedrooms. I think that's the only way for someone like me to have a little space that is just mine where I can be free to just recharge and invite people or kick them out of that space. Anyways that may be not much of help for you, but I wanted to say I understand. I think the key is having a designated space in your home that is just yours and use to it's full advantage
This is so conflicting. I enjoyed living alone, but then it gets lonely to not have somebody to talk to about anything right at that moment. Sometimes I just need to talk about random stuff nonstop for 2+ hours.
I've lived alone for the past 6 or 7 years now, but have plans to move in with my boyfriend in the next year. A bit afraid of how we'll manage but I'm sure we'll work something out. Appreciate some of the tips and suggestions from other posters here.
I’ve never resonated more with a post. I was just diagnosed last year at 44. All due to my life literally feeling like it was falling apart after getting married at 40 and having my first child at 41. All of a sudden I couldn’t “do life” and be a “perfectionist” anymore. Prior to that I was single and lived alone for 5 years. I felt like a boss handling life, a successful career, and had amazing self-care. I truly felt at my happiest and at the peak of my life. Before that I was married for 7 yrs, but he worked at night and I had TONS of alone time and never felt these issues. I have felt so much guilt for feeling this way and daydreaming about my old single life. I’ve been thinking I just must be a really selfish person. I’ve never been able to properly verbalize this to my husband without sounding like an asshole and hurting his feelings. I’m going to share this post with him in hopes he will better understand that it is the ADHD. I love my little family SO much, but I’m not at my best if I don’t have time to - download- is what I call it. Thank you for posting this and for everyone commenting. It’s helping my guilt so much!
Yesss seconding the own bedroom thing! I think sensitive people might not realize how much the physical space within their living space affects their headspace (not just clutter but vibes and style, knowing no one is going to barge in or judge you for the mess). I feel like having your own room where you are 100% in control of can help you feel like you’re 100% you when you’re in that space, instead of your sense of you being completely and constantly intermingled with a partner or other family members
Get a dog?
His internal clock helps me to regulate mine. Plus he gets me out of the house at least twice a day, and there are some occasional social interactions that help me practice being a normal person.
My father was just like you. I’m the complete opposite opposite/ I get way more done when I’m not alone. I’m an extrovert tho, being alone makes me unproductive
@NiteElf I tried to reply to you but it’s gone into the main thread. Just to say I identify so much with this and thank you for sharing it . Really choked me up x
For me the best thing about living alone that completely changed my space from a shipwreck into a clean, mostly tidy, adult living space is the certainty of my systems that I know by heart. All my things are where they're supposed to be, and will only move if I make the decision to change the system (i.e. the spoon isn't only in the drawer, but it's in the drawer on the left utensil box, on the left side of the forks, and I know exactly how many spoons are clean and how many are dirty). I also get to the chores when it feels right for me, not a second before, not a second after. There's also no sense of doing too much work (because I have to pick up after other people to get the space to the level I'm comfortable with), or too little work (because I can't get myself to tidy up the space like what others want or at the time they want it done).
I think having clear personal space for yourself in the house might help. Although there are of course still other common spaces that need to be taken care of together. I've tried adopting my partner's system when we lived together, and it helped a little bit with that sense of certainty I mentioned. But I got frustrated when I didn't feel like the system is as efficient or "logical" as I wanted it to be.
I’m just curious, are you folks medicated? I do have a lot of the same issues with not being able to do stuff with other people around etc, wondered if meds help..
I don’t really have an explanation either and I also love my DP and am happy to live with him but oh my god when he goes away for a work trip I am on CLOUD NINE lol. I’ll be in the office just so excited to get home to be alone without any interruption. Definitely think it’s some sort of combination of masking and my brain just using a lot of space being aware of him. He also has a habit of saying something random, and it’ll take me too long to process so I don’t respond in a normal time frame, and then he gets miffed that I’m being rude. The unbridled joy of just being non verbal for days is utter bliss 😂 He’s truly a gem and the greatest guy but I do wish he had a few more work trips. I think I’d actually love long distance to be honest, like if he had to work overseas in a tax haven for a few years and just visit me for holidays. Dreamy 😆😆
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For me, living alone/being alone at home is so..freeing? I can unmask, be non verbal for hours, do everything just the way I like it without having to worry about bothering anyone. But I experience the same thing you described when my partner is home, like being in standby mode. Personally I think your second suggestion- being hyper attuned to whatever he's doing- sounds right.
Omg thank you for articulating what I find so hard about being a parent. I just have to be ‘on’ constantly, I can hardly ever sit in silence doing nothing useful. I’m always needed. I always have to be aware. It’s exhausting.
Two kids, that's how I discovered my 🎶ADHD 🎶
Hugs. I feel this so so much and I just offer you…hugs. I love my son so much but man…I’m just failing at life for the past 6.5y (includes gestation)…
I resonate with this so much
Theory: you know how body doubling can help get stuff done? I think the reverse of that is also possible. If my husband is chilling, I have to fight against my own inertia *and* his to get stuff done.
real life energy vampire 😅 I totally get it
My boyfriend and I definitely struggle with this problem. He'll want to deep clean a space together, and I'm exhausted and just want to chill, or I'll want to go out or work on a project together, and he wants to watch movies and relax. It's hard, cause neither of us are wrong, but it can be incredibly demotivating for both of us.
Even worse. I feel like I am marking too much noise and being disruptive if I try to do things when he’s chilling.
I just adopted a stray cat and am doing the same thing, and that's rough because cats are all chill. Is my music too loud? Is the fan bothering him? Can't change the sheets because he's on the bed.
Oh man, my one cat in particular is a real cuddler, and it's sooooo much harder to get motivation when I also have to kick a sleeping cat off me!
Omg same! We took in a stray kitten and I second guess if he likes the food, is the sound machine too loud for his sensitive ears, does he have enough toys, is he bored? It’s exhausting and it’s of my own making!
My husband is upsettingly productive, so I get to resent the energy he exudes when I'm stuck. Like he wants me to be productive at the same time. No. Sometimes, I just want to be content in my stuckness instead of self loathing and panicked about it.
Oof. *so relatable* in every way. Like I become hyper-aware of the many ways in which I should be being more productive, and the shame makes me even more stuck. The worst.
Definitely a thing. My boyfriend and I are both ADHD and depending on context, trying to do productive things while together either is a huge benefit orrrrr backfires horribly. Just wish I knew how to identify the context better...
This is so true. I also find spending time with him to be rewarding (in the conditioning sense). If I’m alone, sitting on my butt, I’ll get restless and find something to do to entertain myself. But sitting on my butt next to him? My brain LOVES it.
I wish I knew the answer to this but I am also a far more capable human being when I live alone. I think when I live with anyone who ever they are and whatever my relationship to them is romantic or otherwise it sort of turns me into a giant child.
This this this omg, *this* 😭 Edited to add: When I’m alone, only I am responsible for taking care of (or not taking care of) my own shit. So if I fuck up, no one suffers but me. That’s pretty freeing. It’s hard to have someone there and not eventually come to lean on them, particularly for the stuff that’s hard for me to stay on top of. But if theres no one there, I have to figure it out, one way or the other, and deal with the consequences. I don’t like the potential to “punish” other people or “drag them into my bullshit.” That said. I *do* live with people (my partner and child), and am incredibly grateful for and love them both beyond words. My partner takes care of so much that I am in a constant state of I’m-not-doing-enough. (I realize this makes me extremely lucky in many ways…but ADHD’rs know how this is tricky too.) I just wish I could have the strengths (and solo-failures) of solo-me AND live with other people.
Hugs. High five other me. Every word.
Hugs and fives back!! 💗💗 This sub is my saving grace I swear
I hope you scroll other comments because people are sharing such great thoughts, ideas, and experiences! It’s been so helpful.
It’s why I love this sub!
OMG YES!!!! I am a giant child!!!!! Attachment disorder (more) therapy needs to resume for me like…now
I'm the same way, and I think for me it comes from an anxiety of being watched and then criticized/judged on what I'm doing, even if I know the person I'm with wont do that. Just the thought of someone being able to walk into the room I'm in and see what I'm doing, and they could criticize or make fun of it, makes it *really* hard to do anything. It just adds another emotional barrier to get over. Although I live with and grew up with parents that like to comment/make "joking" remarks on literally everything they see me doing, so it's probably not really a universal ADHD experience. It's just my personal experience, maybe someone else will relate.
This is literally me, my parents would do the same. I could write you a five paragraph essay about how much I identify with this, but instead I’ll just say I 100% get you and appreciate how exhausting and lonesome the fear of scrutiny and comments can be
Same same same
Glad I could help a little <3 And sorry you had to go through that, I know it personally deeply affected me and the way I live. I could never understand how someone could be so cruel and unforgiving to a literal child.
Oh my god, yes. I know my husband isn't going to judge me for whatever I'm doing, but he *will* comment on it, and that's almost as bad. Like. Just let me exist.
I get a constant “you’re hot” when I’m just going about my business. Am I crazy to find that frustrating as well?
Not crazy! Sometimes I just don’t want to be “perceived.” Sometimes I’m just a person that is existing and doing xyz in the same way that table is brown.
Thank you!! Yes, I want to be that brown table too sometimes.
I don't think you're crazy. I spent a decade in a marriage where I could literally walk by my ex naked and not even get a second glance. Now I tend to compliment my partner's body and let him know that he's wanted, a lot. And it's me modeling the behavior I want to see, which I've also verbalized to him. I want pretty consistent reassurance that he's attracted to me and I'm wanted. So for me, that's pretty ideal, but I get how it isn't for everyone.
I have a similar background, but swung from one extreme to the other. I just want a bit of balance!! I appreciate where you are coming from though. It’s nice to feel attractive. For me, being seen as sexy should ideally come after feeling heard and connected.
Oh absolutely. You really need all the above in a healthy relationship IMO.
No it’s annoying for sure. Like I do not exist to be eye candy for you at all times. Yes I’m glad my husband finds me hot but there are thoughts that are appropriate for the moment and some that can stay in his head. I remind him of this all the time.
I think I'd be kind of frustrated by that too. I'd feel kind of objectified if it was only comments about my appearance and nothing else.
He throws in the occasional thing about being smart and awesome, but I think it’s because he’s knows I’m annoyed. I am also smart and awesome though. Edit: also. Thank you, I feel heard.
Lol yeah totally getcha! The backtracking when they think you're annoyed would totally get to me, too. Maybe try having a proper conversation with him and explain how you feel about it, if you haven't already :) I'm glad I could help!
Yes I will. I’ve just been reflecting on how best to approach the conversation.
I completely feel you there. I feel bad for getting snappy with my partner whenever he comments on something I'm doing, because he's not doing anything wrong, it just triggers me a bit.
>Just let me exist. YES THIS PLEASE 🙏
"Is this clean to you?" "What have you been doing for \_\_\_ hours?" "Can't you do it tomorrow?" AHHHHHHH go awayyyyy
Oh my god yes. My mom constantly "checks in" and asks what I'm doing and it just immediately pisses me off, don't really know why. Like why do you have to know what I'm doing at all times woman? Don't you have a life? But if I don't want to tell her, then it seems like I'm hiding something. Can't win.
Same! And then it makes me feel like I need "permission" to do whatever I'm about to do.
Relatable!! When people post stuff like this, it blows my mind. This sub is the best. Thank you 💗
Of course! Glad I could help someone!
YESYESYES This is what I experience 😭😭
I'm the same as well, but I know what it stems from for me, although there are several reasons: 1. Any messes or cleaning is mine, and mine alone. Other than my pets, I'm not "cleaning up" anyone else's mess. For some reason this is HUGE, and will make or break my mental ability to just go knock something out. Having things clean/neat lowers my stress, so when it's just me, I'm less likely to get a mess built up to begin with - but when you live with someone else, they inevitably have their own style of messes, and what doesn't bother them may drive me nuts, and now I *feel* like I'm doing double the work (even if they aren't a "messy" person). 1. Plus, the extra mess - even if it's just little things, trips me into the world of overwhelmed - maybe because there's no "thought process" I'm privy to that caused the mess to begin with? Not sure... 2. I need my solitude (introvert). Even if we're just chilling together and watching a show, all decisions and choices are mutual - which means I can't just go on my whim for that evening or day, which is stressful. Being able to just ADHD through my day without consulting or working around someone else is very peaceful to me. 3. I sleep better alone. Better sleep = better day. Simple but true. I hate sharing my CA King bed with anyone but the cat. Those are really the main things. I don't think I'll ever go back to living with someone full time unless I need to bring in a roommate for financial reasons, but that would be the only reason anymore (in my mid-40's so past the age of dreaming of marriage and all that). I'm dating, but I think by this point I'm most happy in a non-traditional (aka, "date" forever) relationship.
ALLLLLLL of this, but especially this: >Any messes or cleaning is mine, and mine alone. Other than my pets, I'm not "cleaning up" anyone else's mess. For some reason this is HUGE, and will make or break my mental ability to just go knock something out. Having things clean/neat lowers my stress, so when it's just me, I'm less likely to get a mess built up to begin with - but when you live with someone else, they inevitably have their own style of messes, and what doesn't bother them may drive me nuts, and now I *feel* like I'm doing double the work (even if they aren't a "messy" person). Plus, the extra mess - even if it's just little things, trips me into the world of overwhelmed I did just fine on my own but now that I'm living with my partner, I constantly feel like I'm drowning. The mess bothers me way more than it does him.
This might be more of an anxiety thing than an ADHD thing, but just not having to worry about anything changing or moving in the house without me knowing is huge. I easily forget things and where things are, so not having worry about those things moving (and not having to “re-download” where they moved to), definitely frees up some space in my mind. For example my deodorant now lives permanently on my kitchen counter. Not by choice, but because I’m usually in my kitchen when I realize I forgot to put some on, grab it to put some on, don’t put it back because my brain has already moved on to the next task, then run out the door. I locked my car keys in my car three times in one week because I took off the lanyard that dangled on it and somehow that meant they no longer existed in my brain! My cycle of oops I forgot— oh wait here it is! oops I forgot— is a very fragile system that relies on my own unconscious decisions and would totally get out of wack with another person 😅
The sleep thing is so true, I’m such a light sleeper and so easily disturbed. Also if I don’t get decent sleep my adhd symptoms nose dive.
My life improved exponentially when I got my own bedroom. We’ve never been privileged enough to have extra rooms, but now we do. And I got sick two years ago and spent a week sleeping in the guestroom because it is quiet and it is dark and my labored breathing/snoring did not bother my spouse. That week long break in the guest room is going strong two years later, with a few weeks of guests visiting to renew our shared happiness in the separate sleep arrangements. And, No, our marriage is not in trouble. It’s better than ever.
I really need to figure out how to get my own bedroom somehow! It's not just that he snores occasionally, but I am also worried about waking him up if I can't sleep or am sick or whatever. It's so stupid, but I think I am such a f'ing antenna for other people's needs, etc. that I can't even turn it off when I'm asleep.
I 100% understand that. My worry that I am disturbing their sleep is constant and most likely right, because insomnia runs in their family and they are a light sleeper. The separate rooms freaked out some family members who thought we were having a rough patch but it has increased our intentional time together with more focus on being together over just being in the same room.
I just came to the same realisation for (1) about a month ago. I finally live on my own after living with someone (parents, siblings, roommate, partners) all my life and it still amazes me how in order my place is now. No doom shelves, no piles of mess, no piles of laundry, dishes, etc. It's so easier to make myself start on chores until they're completely finished. I think on top of what you already mentioned about all the mess being my own mess, for me it's also the fact that everything is on their place according to my own systems that I'm free to change anytime I want? I don't have to consult anybody that the dishes have to be stacked a certain way because [insert logic] or cleaning the house have to start from a particular corner because [insert logic]. I can make sure every tasks follow the same algorithm and ends with the same results, no need to double check a task done by someone else etc. I think if I ever decide to cohabit with someone, we'll have to have a super clear separation of space and chores or I'll be crazy.
Oh man, number 2. I love my wife but she is constantly asking me what I am planning to do next so she base her plans on it and it drives me fucking nuts. I just worked for 10 hours, I do not want to have to plan my evening for you.
Yes! I'm with a husband and kid over here, so I don't get options, but I whole heartedly agree with these points. Too bad to me! Lol.
My partner and I lived together better once we realized that It's good for us to sleep in separate spaces once in awhile. Sometimes it's nice to sleep in the same bed, but she is a light sleeper and I stay up later.
Number 1, are you me??!
These are exactly my thoughts on it as well. Everything you said is extremely relatable.
I think you're onto something with "permanent waiting mode". I feel like I can't ever really relax or fully concentrate when someone else is around, because on some level I'm anticipating an interruption. Having my relaxation or concentration broken like that is so unpleasant that I just don't do it in the first place.
Yes you get it! The constant anticipation of …SOMETHING … takes up so much mental space and doesn’t leave a lot of room for the things I need or want to do
I realized I did this bc when I was sick, he slept upstair, but one night came back for something in our bathroom. I’d fully relaxed and taken off my “mental prep” for visitors and therefore got irrationally angry and had to pretend I wasn’t bc it’d hurt his feelings. Ugh but yes that’s it. I was fully relaxed. I never am otherwise. Always on alert.
Totally agree here. I think it’s why I enjoyed my husbands deployments. I always felt weird saying that but it was true. It was 6 months of no waiting period
This right here! I feel like, even in my own home, I am just there to be a companion and must always be available to entertain when I live with someone. I can never 100% relax or concentrate. Its so annoying being in my brain sometimes 😂
Absolutely! I’m a single parent of two 12-year-old girls, and even after they go to bedrooms to read I can’t relax because they will come out of their room a couple times to use the bathroom, and every single time I hear them I know there’s a chance they might come try to talk to me. They are old enough now to where they don’t go to sleep until shortly before I go to bed so when they are home, I literally never get to relax at night. I am constantly on alert. The only time I can really relax in the evening is when they are at their dad’s overnight 20% of the time.
This is TOTALLY true for me!
I do this all day, with my kids- if I find myself getting in a groove, or hyperfixating or just enjoying reading a book- I usually stop myself because I know they will come interrupt me soon and I will get so upset, it’s not worth even trying most of the time
Thank you thank you thank you for putting this into words!! I’m a night-owl by nature but I stay up even later than I probably would most nights for this reason exactly. Sometimes I can only really THINK when I know there’s no chance anyone will disturb me. I’m not sure if I’ve ever put it into exactly the words you did, but that’s exactly what it is 🤯
Part of it is that *every* decision becomes just that much more complex with other people involved. I can't just cook dinner when I'm hungry, I need to time it based when husband will be home and what he might want to eat, and based on what's available in the fridge/pantry, which I have to actively figure out because I can't count on the leftovers I was planning on using still being in the fridge because he might have taken them to work for lunch or thrown them away because he thought they'd gone bad. I can't just put away the load of laundry because maybe he decided to put the overstock paper towels on the shelf in the closet where I usually keep the spare towels so now I have to stop and figure put which one of those things I'm going to fix. I can't just feed the dog because maybe he fed the dog before he left for work so I need to text him to find out. Note that this isn't even factoring in the irritating things partners do like leaving dirty socks on the floor that you just picked up. No, even the helpful things my partner does complicate my workflow so I am never able to just, perform my routine tasks and count on things to be the way I expect them to be.
I feel this when I live with a partner, it’s like my whole world revolves around them in such an unhealthy way I can’t figure out how to just live like a normal person in my own house
The paper towel thing made me chuckle because exact same
This is giving me big ol’ feelings. Wow this whole thread is knocking my freakin socks off!!! Dinner,especially, is a thing for me. Like many of us, 9 times outta 10, I couldn’t give a flying fuck about what’s for dinner. On my own? I’ll eat (or not) when I’m hungry (or not) whatever I feel like eating (or don’t). Having to be any part of the decision of What’s For Dinner is very stressful and unpleasant for me. Picking the meal! Making sure it’s healthy and meets everyone’s preferences and dietary restrictions! Shopping for and prepping the things! Having the executive function to cook the things (double this if there’s an actual *recipe* to follow)! Eating it at someone else’s “appropriate” time! *NOPE NOPE NOPE* When that whole thing is crossed off my list—preferably by either (a) me not being home at dinner time for some reason, or (b) my other family members not being home, because sometimes even someone else cooking makes me feel guilty (even though I do great with cleanup duty!)—it makes my day so much easier.
The most annoying thing to me is when my partner cleans the kitchen (partially - putting dishes to the dishwasher, meticulously cleaning countertops and sink) before he leaves for work. The issue is - I work part-time and often I'm at home at this time. Just after he leaves, I have to prepare school lunch to our daughter and make a breakfast for her. I don't see the sense in his actions and it disturbs me and puts off balance. He also puts things "the wrong way" in the dishwasher and puts clean dishes away to the wrong places. I mean - how hard is it to learn that e.g. silicone covers "live" in the right drawer, not the left one ? I noticed one thing - when we fight sometimes, I consciously detache myself mentally from him. And it works like a shot of energy... strange...
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I feel you. My ex left me because of my ADHD symptoms. I don't think I'll ever be able to trust another man like I had trusted him. Maybe someday I'll be able to date, but unless I can somehow overcome this, I won't have another lasting relationship. I have no desire to date again. Just the thought of going through the getting to know you phase sounds like a true nightmare to me. And I don't know that I would find someone that would accept my faults. My ex and I were HS sweethearts, married for 20 years, with kids, and he was unwilling to wait for me to get treatment for my symptoms. He said I was incredibly unaware of so many things, and that if I go into a future relationship, I should learn how to pay attention to my partner, read them, and understand them. The kicker is that he never said anything while we were married. Just quietly resented me for not noticing things. I had no idea he was feeling this way, or I would have taken steps to address it. I would have done anything for that man, and now I realize how he really did not deserve it. He made me feel like the most unlovable person in the world. And he also said that my goal for the future should not be to have someone love me for who I am, but love me for the person I have the potential to be. I've sent him websites and books about ADHD to read (our son has it too), but he still doesn't get it, and thinks I can "snap out of it" if I really want to when I'm stuck.
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Wow, same. No direct communication, just hints. I'd ask what was wrong and he would gaslight me and say everything was fine! He dumped me 3 days after my birthday with no warning and it was brutal. I'm glad he dumped me now. Living with him was terrible for my anxiety. I'm so sorry to both of you for struggling with this.
It's good that you can see you're better off without him. I know that someday I'll see it too, but I can't yet, because of many personal reasons, the main one being our kids. I do not wish to be back with him, nor would I ever take him back if he tried (which he wouldn't, as he made it very clear), but I do wish he had stayed until the kids were out of the house (another 3-4 years), even if we stayed in separate bedrooms. He should have put their needs first, especially because they are neurodivergent like me and face extra challenges that neurotypical kids don't. But he was focused on my faults, and decided I wasn't the partner he wanted for the second half of his life (his words). One thing that has been really nice is that for some reason he didn't like when I wore fleece robes and/or sweatpants around the house for long periods of time (I was a stay at home mom, wanted to be comfortable in my own house and didn't feel the need to dress up), but after he left I can wear whatever I want and it doesn't matter if it's stained or has holes, as long as it's comfortable (for the record, it's extremely rare that I wear something stained or with holes, but I could...), and there's no one secretly judging me. It was very freeing, and I hadn't realized before how much anxiety his comments and looks had caused me in the past.
I can definitely understand that. I hope things continue to get better for you all 🙏 I have two neurodivergent kiddos also and I feel ya.
I'm so sorry for both of you too! My ex said I should have seen it coming because he gave many signs. But his biggest complaint about me was that I was oblivious to everything around me. He can't have it both ways... He changed, became a selfish person, and somehow kept that hidden. I didn't see it because I trusted him completely, and didn't think he'd ever leave me, so the little things that I can now see in hindsight were easily explained/excused in my mind. He surprised me on New Years Eve by saying he had been thinking about a trial separation. Then found an apartment on New Years day and left. That holiday is now a major trigger for me. I was on a plane at the end of December, and the flight attendant wished everyone a Happy New Year over the speakers and I started crying. On Dec. 31 I took a couple extra sleeping pills (that I still have to take every night or I can't sleep) and went to bed. I did not want to witness it, or think about him celebrating it with his new girlfriend. I don't think I'll ever have a Happy New Year again. It will always be the anniversary of the worst, most traumatic day of my life. I spent two years in profound grief and despair, crying almost every day. But I've finally been able to stop the crying and despair. I honestly don't know how, and even thinking of him with his girlfriend doesn't hurt like before. Thinking of her being around my kids still does, and I find myself getting incredibly jealous and unable to accept that he's trying to build a new family with my kids and another woman. I know I can't stop it and will have to figure out a way to accept it, but I'm really struggling with this.
My husband is also ADHD so I don’t necessarily feel a pressure to “mask on” all the time, though I can only imagine how it would be even MORE exhausting to feel that! And I totally get you about the pets part. I have two high energy dogs and one is especially bad because, thanks to his breed, he is ALWAYS watching me and orienting himself around me and on alert for anything I might do. That kind of attention feels like a microscope and I find myself constantly watching him too 😅
I have an ever watchful German Shepard! Sometimes I like to include her in what I'm doing so I don't feel the unease when she stares directly into my soul. She usually, very quickly, realizes that what I'm doing isn't all that exciting and wanders off to a different part of the house 😂
Your comment about pets really hits home with me right now. My dog was supposed to be an emotional support animal, but it turns out she's fearful and anxious and reactive. So I'm hyperaware of her all the time, always stressed putting so much of myself into trying to keep her happy and still convinced I'm not doing enough and shaming myself every time she struggles. I've recently decided to rehome her for both our sakes and it's the worst thing.
I'm just chiming in to say this was a validating thread to read, and I appreciate OP for posting it and for everyone else replying. I don't have a solution beyond trying to become more comfortable asking for alone time where no one else is home. If your partner is someone who has hobbies or friend/family groups within visiting distance, maybe you can encourage them to do some solo activities outside the home so you get the place to yourself every once in a while. But yeah, I was having the similar thoughts just the other day - I miss the feeling of internal peace of living alone and only having my own space and messes and interests to feel responsible for. The end of last year I had a bit of a lightbulb moment where I realized I had a lot of codependent tendencies. I think it had been marinating for a few months after someone asked me what I wanted to do for some period of time, like a weekend or break or something. Haha, it may have even been about my birthday, I don't remember. But all of my answers were something like, "well, if partner wants to do thing A then we'll probably do that, but if they want to do thing B and will be out then maybe I'll..." After a few seconds into my response they said, "no, what do YOU want to do." And it kinda broke my brain? It was like I had a mental block and just couldn't make my brain think about what I wanted to do without it being based around someone else's wants and schedule. I'm getting better at paying attention to if something is what I actually want or if it is me trying to accommodate what I think the other person wants or would like. But it takes conscious effort and I often still feel guilty or anxious about voicing these wants. (And of course one should consider people in their life when it comes to decisions but you should also be able to determine what YOU want within that calculation, ykwim?) This started as me wanting to post a single sentence and then became way long, sorry folks! 😅
> And, if I can gigure out why, then maybe I can recreate it in my current living situation? Can you both buy or rent a duplex and you get one half and he gets the other? For me cohabitating or roommates was always a mental drain. It's the permanent waiting mode, & sensitivity to sound (I'd be listening for footsteps coming so never could get into deep focus mode)- if you love your roommate/partner part of your brain wants them to pop up so you can play & is listening for that. if you are angry with them part of your brain stays in hypervigiliance to know where they are to avoid. Never being able to have my own systems that work for me in place because they get moved around. Trying to track my own things amongst others' stuff. Plus, when I am completing a task stuff looks a lot worse before it gets better and I likely have childhood shame from that, so I HATE having anyone bare witness to my process- this goes for cooking, cleaning, making things, work, whatever. I can perfomr tasks around others, of course, but it takes more mental load to keep the chaos down. Just relaxing to know I can make my mess then resolve it at my own pace.
I’m the same, my 2 years of living solo were an oasis of cleanliness and good housekeeping in an otherwise disorganized life. I know have a partner and twin preschoolers and am better at maintaining than I used to be, but it’s a struggle. I wish I had answers.
For me the biggest issues are : 1. My stuff getting moved and then I can’t find it. For example, hubs will see my phone on top of the made bed and decide that’s not a smart place for it and move it to a “better” place. But I can’t see it in the “better” place. I PURPOSELY left it in a spot where I couldn’t miss it. 2. My organizational systems being ignored and ruined. For example, hubs puts away cans in the pantry. He just sticks them on the can shelf willy-nilly even though they’re divided into categories on the shelf. When I say, “hey, can you please put the beans in the bean section next time?” He says, “what do you mean? All the cans are just thrown in there.” No. No they are not. It may take me a long time to get around to organizing something. But when I do it, it’s a deep organize that’s thought out and sustainable. It takes so much effort and energy to get it done. And then it’s just shat on. It’s crushing and defeating and makes me avoid organizational overhauls because I know I’ll have to keep redoing the same work repeatedly. 3. The constant threat of being interrupted stops me from starting anything. I’m very hyperfocus-oriented when it comes to getting things done. It works very well when I’m working on something that needs to be done. But being interrupted is extremely frustrating and aggravating for me, and my husband is an interrupter. So if he’s home, or expected to come home, I often can’t get into the zone with something that’s needed but not alluring to me. I have no idea how to fix these things. My husband travels a lot, so that helps with #3 to a point, but then I have the kids by myself so I’m interrupted anyway. I was very close to opting out of marrying him and having kids because I loved being alone so much. I knew I would have these issues.
I totally get his about being interrupted. It’s literally painful. Like bits of my face and brain are stuck to fly tape and suddenly pulled off.
It’s the worst. My husband also has this need to interrupt AND THEN redirect me to the thing he needs help getting done. It’s absolutely infuriating. He can see I’m totally immersed in something and then is like “I’m going to run to the store. What do we need?” As if that’s a simple ask. Oh, ok. Let me just stop what I’m doing and do an inventory of what we have , make a meal plan for the week, and make a complete list for you. RIGHT NOW. no biggie.
I appreciate your outrage.
Wow, I feel like you're living my life. Everything has a home, even the cans. I can't find it if it's not in its home! I took a screenshot of this so I can show my husband I'm not alone. 🥲 And THE CHILDREN. I have four under 12. Every time I hear their voices, my focus evaporates. 🫠
You’re definitely not alone! I wish everything had a home. I try really hard because it makes my life so much easier. But then there’s only so many times I can open the pots and pans cabinet and see pot lids tossed haphazardly RIGHT NEXT TO the pot lid rack before I get too discouraged to bother fixing it again. 😩
Oh my goodness YES to the organisation systems being messed with!! I know I’m particular but these things just make sense to me and help me function & flow (since I’m home most of the time and do most of the housework & management of everything & the kids).
Same here! What kills me the most is the total failure to even see the systems. Like they don’t even LOOK to see if there’s an order to anything, despite seeing me spend literal hours organizing something. I’d be 100% willing to rework things if they pointed out functionality issues. I want the systems to work! But to have all my efforts treated like they don’t exist. Ugh. It’s so demoralizing.
Yes to this! I just commented above about my partner messing with putting things away, when he unloads the dishwasher. And it's not like "my system " is twisted or unlogic. When I keep glasses and pitchers on the one shelf and salat bowls on the other, WHY do you put the pitcher between the salat bowls???
All of it. I can’t write in my house except maybe a postcard or a short letter if I’m lucky bc of #3. Wish there were a way past it!
[удалено]
This really resonated with me, thank you for sharing. My childhood home wasn’t physically abusive, but I grew up with a billion younger siblings, an overwrought and emotionally volatile mother, and a stressed out and angry father. I think I was constantly attuned to everyone’s moods and movements so that I could just tiptoe around situations and try to quietly live my life. I think I’m still subconsciously doing that. I also realize that I hate being asked what I’m doing or why I’m doing it, even just innocent questions “what are you doing tonight” or “what book are you reading.” I just want to quietly exist without being questioned. Yikes back to therapy.
I really feel this. I think also, my parents are both neurodivergent too, and therefore have that black and white thinking so many of us do. I think even with the best of intentions, if someone has black and white thinking, it can feel controlling and judgmental to others. It’s been helpful for me to recognize this about my parents to have more compassion for how they can be - it has yet to help me figure out how to untangle all those early messages of unworthiness but I am so hopeful now, knowing what is going on! That sense of being in “standby mode” is something I hadn’t recognized about myself until sort of recently but that I absolutely am constantly doing if I’m not alone. Thank you really so much for this thread, it is helping me feel much less “not normal” than I usually do ❤️❤️❤️
I hear this! My solo mum has/had her own mental health struggles and a quick temper so I grew up being incredibly sensitive to her moods and passive aggression (no judgment on mum, she was young and did the best she could). There was also a period of time with an abusive stepfather who assaulted mum and terrorised us both psychologically. Loud voices, yelling, slamming doors, even loud talking and laughing, like you say...it all really makes my logical brain completely grind to a halt. Edited for clarity.
This is me. Want two tiny houses and my own space. He has to have noise on constantly and it’s just toooo much for me.
I wish I could give some sort of helpful advice but also just chiming in to say I totally get this, particularly "waiting mode." I have always felt this way when I've lived with other people. It feels like I have to be "on" at all times or I'm going to get into trouble for not being productive. The idea of someone walking in had me constantly mentally constructing "excuses" for why I was doing what I was doing so nobody would think that I was lazy or silly. Like I couldn't focus on what I was actually trying to do because I was too busy trying to come up with a defence for doing it in the first place! I also think it's why I'm such a night owl - I know no one is going to be bothering me/expecting anything of me at 2am! I'm lucky enough to live alone now (I moved back to my rural hometown - because cost of living and menty-b - and privately rent a small house on a family property) and I've never made such huge strides in areas like housework, cooking, general organisation/life management. Shit is still HARD (and I still feel like I could be observed/judged at any moment) but the pressure is so much less intense. I hope that you can find a way to compromise and find some peace in your current situation - it sounds like your husband is a good dude so hopefully between you you can think up some strategies. Thanks for sharing this, it really resonated.
Your night owl comment just floored me. I have never put two and two together, but holy shit YES that's it. I adore my partner. I love spending time with him. He would never judge me for anything, but I am still on edge in case he does. I only just last year became comfortable cleaning while he was in the house. I used to hate cleaning when anyone else could see me. Even now, I put on my headphones and a podcast and tell him that he isn't allowed to talk to me for 6 hours while I get shit done.
Yep, I've realised I feel more relaxed at night time because I'm not anticipating things happening or being observed. I absolutely cannot relax during the day, even on weekends, for the same reason. There's a part of my brain that still thinks I don't deserve it or that I'm going to be criticised for it, even if I've been productive for 95% of the day. It's incredibly hard to get past. I feel you!
Sending you a hug for this, ok? I just posted this a few lines up before I saw your post. I could have written this myself, verbatim.
Thank you! I've never really talked to anyone about this aspect of ADHD before and it's been so validating to hear that I'm not the only one, although I'm sad to hear it at the same time. Hugs for you as well. 💗
It’s only sad when I consider how long I’ve felt like that (and many other ways) and felt SO alone with it. Seeing other people mention these things in such very specific words is unbelievably validating…which is to say, it’s SO validating I almost can’t believe it’s real sometimes.
That's a really good way to frame it! I'm so glad I was on reddit today and stumbled into this thread. 🥰
I’m glad you did too! 💗
💕💕💕💕
And thank you for sharing this! It really resonates so much with me that I was like 😳😳 at first. 😂😂 Were you abused? You don’t have to answer (I’m asking to help you and help us all flesh this out), but the reason I unknowingly started doing the things you mentioned was to try to survive in a very abusive household. I don’t know how much is abuse and how much is ADHD and how much is being very physically ill, because I battle all of them 😩, but I definitely know I had to be in “waiting mode”/survival mode to protect myself because the abuse would pop off at anytime. Especially the staying up late! I was free!!! The only time I was! What do you think? If you’d like to share. Either way, thanks for helping me feel less alone also! 😊💕 TLDR: I’m wondering if ADHD, being abused, and/or Complex PTSD are related/co-occur since people can often be so mean to us for things we can’t help. To me, the comments and posts (especially on this post) seem too similar to be just ADHD. But maybe it’s ADHD plus how badly we get treated on average (often becoming abusive)? So therefore some level of PTSD? 🤔🤷♀️
You're welcome! I'm pretty good at oversharing and over-explaining myself, so I apologise for the long replies! 😅Going to flag the next paragraph as a spoiler because it discusses abuse. >!There was an incident of sexual abuse by a family member (distant relative) when I was quite small, but it was a one-off incident (as far as I can recall) and didn't happen in my own home. I wasn't physically abused by my stepdad like my mum was, but he subjected us to all sorts of dangerous behaviour that often made me fear for my life (fishtailing down dirt roads in the car, screaming he was going to kill us all, etc). I don't know if the abusive situations I've been in are connected to my behaviours in this regard; I do feel like it was more that I had to become very aware of the "mood" of the house at all times, but I suppose that's a trauma response in itself, isn't it? It's all so hard to untangle. There are experiences from adulthood as well, but I don't think they're as relevant for me personally.!< I do think that because there are so many comorbidities to ADHD it makes it hard to differentiate what comes from where, but I don't think it's unrealistic to suspect that because of how we're wired differently to NT women that the cards are stacked against us from the start, and we wear the negative consequences of that in similar ways. I'm sorry that's not really much of an answer! I appreciate your kind words and ideas and send all the love right back at ya. 💗
Ditto on the night owl! As much as I want to be productive in the morning before 12pm hits (otherwise in my mind, the whole day is wasted if I don’t get started early), the evening/ late night is when I feel most at peace. I’m not expected to answer emails, reply to messages, anticipate phone calls, or go anywhere. There’s less going on outside as most people are home. It’s much less overstimulating and therefore when I feel I have the most mental clarity. 🙏🏻
YES! That's exactly what it is!
Performance anxiety.
It’s like I just don’t want to be perceived
I laughed out loud at the brilliant simplicity of this. Have thought of it so many times since I read it that I came back to tell you this 🙌💗
Having your own bedroom and your own bed can sometimes help, having your own physical space that you can keep and decorate 100% in your own way, and feels like your own. You can still sleep together when you want to, but it’s easier if you have a different getting up schedule that you can go back to your own bed after late night cuddles/sex/etc and still wake up refreshed and not like you’re missing out on more cuddles with your hubby. Being able to go to your own space when you need some alone time, and him being able to do the same teling each other you don’t wanna be with each other at the moment without directly saying it, taking your own personal time. Also make sure you have meals together, but also make sure you have meals apart where you do your own thing, like if one wants to eat early and the other late etc. It’s not possible for everyone and I don’t know your situation, so sorry if this isn’t applicable to you
Me moving into my own bedroom was a huge game changer in my relationship! After 14 years of sharing a room and a bed, I finally have my own space and I feel I can have my own personality apart from my husband. It was a big wake up call as to how codependent our relationship had become. I love having my own bed, I'm a light sleeper and night owl. So now I sleep soooo much better! We can still be intimate and share a bed if we want to, but it's so nice having my own space again.
I have my own dedicated room in my home too. It’s tiny but it’s all mine. However I leave it when I walk out is how it will be when I return to it. This is a really, really big deal. I’ve never walked into it, not once, and NOT thought *it’s so amazing to have this*
Yeah I bet! I am very codependent myself and make my partner my entire personality almost yknow, like I am not even my own person anymore and start adjusting myself to them and their hobbies etc. It’s really why this tip fits me so well, I will always make sure to have my own bedroom when I get a partner again
For me this is because no one is judging. I can finally do things that make sense to me. Not what arbitrarily standard other people set. Like why do I *need* to do the dishes when I have no use of the dishes at the moment? I struggle to do the dishes because my brain does not understand why it needs doing. When it does need doing, I will do them. I hate it when the only reason I do things is to stop people from being mad at me, double hard when I can’t work out why and when they’d be mad at me.
YES! Like, what if I want to do the laundry at 2 am because that’s when the spirit happened to move me to do so and I know if I don’t do it while I can, it’s not gonna happen? The feeling of someone always being mad at you (or me, in my own instance) or about-to-be-mad-at-you, even if it’s unfounded, is absolutely crippling.
Oh man… that last little paragraph/sentence… yesss!! I grew up in an abusive household with very neurotypical people with low empathy… it was not fun. lol
I really feel this post deep in my soul. I've been with my other half for nearly ten years and he has saved me so much. However, I constantly want to go and live on my own. I find that I am very codependent on him and because he helps me so much I have lost a great deal of independence. I'm off work sick currently and love being alone at home, pottering. But he gets home at like 3/4pm of an evening (he starts work super early) and I'm a late riser, so I feel that I'm rushing to have these hours to myself. When he tells me he is getting home late I am so happy, it makes me feel free. We made the spare room into my office/relaxing room, but I barely use it because when he is at home I feel I should be with him. He tells me to use it because he knows I need alone time, but I always feel guilty. My need to be alone then builds up and I end up saying too bluntly that I wish I lived alone. It makes me feel guilt again because he is the most wonderful man and he understands my POV, I just forget to allow myself my alone time before I get to burnout. I feel that when he is home that I'm not "allowed" to just go and be myself, even though he has never said this. It's like I have rules in my head that I've made up and follow, but they make no sense. I resonate with so many comments, although I'm struggling to fully express myself, I get the wanting to live alone.
You expressed yourself perfectly! I totally get your made up rules part. I do that to myself so much and it’s so inhibiting. I’m trying to let them go, but they’re pretty deeply ingrained 😅
It makes me relieved to hear I'm not the only one out there with lots of made up rules. (Although it would be nice if neither of us had them) I never know what they are until the moment either, so they're tricky to follow lol! I watched a lovely video today on YouTube called "Happier Alone", it's a 'stop motion animation' and it's about the individual explaining why he prefers his solitude. If you haven't already seen it you might like it. [Happier Alone](https://youtu.be/GQL0nSpMSwg?si=IB1dKNPa2yGRJ0cv)
You expressed this perfectly and I relate to all of it 💗
Literally me in a nutshell. 🙈
Obligations/expectations are not there, and I don't get overstimulated with whatever other people are doing. Not to mention unmasking.
I’ve said this a million times. Husband actually agrees that I was better when I lived alone and we might try to let me stay at a hotel a weekend here and there if I can get over the guilt and not mentally scar my kids. My mental and physical health are exhausted by the nonstop noise and needs of everyone around me. And I’m dying in the middle unseen.
That's a great idea! It's great that your husband is being supportive. When my kids were younger, and I couldn't take all the noise anymore, I'd hide in the bathroom or the floor of my closet, cover my ears, rock back and forth, and fantasize about running away for a week to a hotel where no one could find me. I knew I would never do it, but I always felt so horrible afterwards, because what kind of mom has those kinds of thought? It makes so much sense to me now that I know about my ADHD and probably ASD as well.
Same. Adhd and probably ASD too. Kids and family are so overstimulating. I try noise canceling headphones and definitely hide a lot. If I can get over the guilt of taking time for me, then I’ll try the hotel. I just feel like a terrible mom for needing it but it’ll probably make me a better mom and wife and human to recharge.
Yes, please take the time to yourself. I wish I had found time for myself back when my kids were still younger. There were days when I felt utterly trapped. I'm guessing a lot of moms have the same thoughts/feelings (even neurotypical ones), but we can't admit it to anyone else because society would judge us harshly (probably no harsher than we already judge ourselves, though). The guilt was so intense sometimes, and even knowing I loved them so much and would do anything for them didn't always help. You won't scar your kids. You can make it fun and bring them little gifts (maybe a special candy) when you return. They may even start looking forward to your weekends away. :) As my kids got older, I was able to take a few solo trips, and the difference it made was huge. I couldn't believe it. I came back refreshed and ready to tackle our crazy life again.
Thank you. This helps so much just to hear that it’s ok to take care of ourselves. And I love the little gifts ideas. My son def has some of me in him. My daughter too. So we will see. Watching closely.
I forgot to mention one more thing. I don't know why, but it sounded to me like your kids are still little. I want you to be aware that there's a high chance some of them might have inherited these from you (especially the ASD, if you end up having it). 2 of my kids are ASD, and I think the 3rd is too, but hasn't been tested yet. One of them has severe ADHD like me, and another probably has it, but hasn't been tested (but has to take medication for it). It may not be very apparent when they're younger (you may think they're just a little quirky, for example), but it becomes more noticeable as they get older and you start to see the differences with peers their own age. It's very apparent when they're teenagers. Just something to keep an eye on, because if any of them start showing signs, you can get them help early on, which makes a big difference. :)
Do it! Take that hotel getaway. My husband and I have also discussed this and we’re planning for the day where I get so burnt out from work and just existing that I’ll have to slip away for a few weeks or so. He gets it 100% thankfully, it sounds like yours does as well!
I have it the other way - my dream vacations is staying at home alone, with my partner and daughter somewhere else. I KNOW I would clean and organise the house spotless, do my hobby, tend to the garden and much more - but I should be alone and not interrupted by anyone or anything.
It’s because, we don’t like to be watched when doing tasks, because it feels like we’re being silently judged by whomever is around. By being alone, no one can do this. We are free from anyone’s expectations but our own.
Unfortunately I don’t have any advice, just solace. I too feel like I’m in waiting mode, even when my partner is on the opposite corner of the house and has told me directly to relax and unmask and stop people pleasing. So alas, I’m now single and live alone 🤷🏻♀️ I do so so much better alone. I have infinitely more energy, motivation, and executive functioning.
This is happening to me, I have "made" my own room, only for me, here I am, scrolling to insanity while my boyfriend in the livingroom thinking I am studying for real because I have been here for hours. But I am capable of doing my work out rutine at least.
Hey getting the workout done is a huge win 🌟
I’ve replied to so many comments in this thread (*one of the best I’ve ever seen on this sub!!*)but I just thought of another thing that makes it hard for me to live with other people: If I get excited about an idea, or am feeling particularly talkative in a given moment, and approach someone I live with and am rebuffed because it’s “too much”, I can get SO deflated. Sometimes it’s almost physically painful. Rationally, I understand that their “rebuffing” me is totally legitimate: they’re not in the same mindset at the moment—maybe they’re tired, or in the middle of doing their own thing, or just want peace and quiet and space! I mean, I can certainly relate to feeling those things, and feel them at my own times about various kinds of “input”. Here’s the thing though: I’m sure most of you can relate to that thing where you feel like you’re “too much”. But when it’s *in your own home*, it feels different. You can’t escape the same way you can in say, a social situation (those can feel terrible too, but generally you can physically remove yourself at some point). “Home” is equated with “safe place”, ideally. But in those moments of rejection, I feel that my “too muchness” is (1.) “unsafe” to the other person, and their not fully embracing me *all the time*(ridiculous, I know!) is (2.) “unsafe” for me. Meds help with this whole thing a decent amount, but it still happens sometimes, and it can be rough. Does anyone else know what I mean?
Just wanted to reply that you are not alone in that and that I know what you mean! I grew up feeling that way basically constantly and unfortunately often as an adult. It’s a really lousy feeling and I’m sorry you experience it as well. A lot in this thread is resonating, it’s nice to not feel quite so defective/rejected/alone 💕
Thanks 💗
I seriously thought that I was alone in this
Living alone gave me such a sense of freedom! Nobody got to witness my mistakes, failures, clumsiness, half-completed tasks, food I forgot in the oven, or my cacophony of morning alarms. I wasn't embarrassed and only the cat was annoyed with me (he accepted treats as apologies). Maybe it was just the massive reduction in feeling shame? I haven't yet replicated that freedom while cohabitating. ETA: Let me know if anyone figures it out.
I don’t have any solutions but following bc SAME.
I’m better at everything when I have alone time. I’m a parent to a preschooler and my life feels like it’s been on pause, especially with my partner being wfh too. I just feel like time to decompress and be my own person always brings out the best in me. It’s as simple as I don’t have anyone else to take care of. I just focus on my needs in the present, I don’t have to worry about skipping out on meals because I might just want to make something for myself only and not other people, I don’t have someone chatting at me and demanding my attention and depleting my spoons. I don’t have to clean after someone or be upset that X person used X thing. It’s just easier managing a single person.
It’s a small point of contention between my partner and I since I need so much “alone time,” but he’s been gracious enough to let me have a second room to myself. I hide (sometimes too much, Hense the contention) when things get too overwhelming and I try to confine my messes to one space. We rarely do meals together, but that’s more of a product of dissimilar feeding schedules. It makes meals together more special I think too.
Girlll i feel you so hard
Yes I feel this so hard, I lived alone for years and now I’m back with my parents for the last year and a half and I’ve done absolutely zero with my life since. I need to live alone again soon or I will surely expire lol
I literally had to tell my bf he was banned from sundays so I could "get my life together" LOL so I have no tips, only sympathy. I have this problem too, with roommates as well! I just cannot focus with that outside stimuli, even if I'm comfortable with them.
I get the same. I WFH a lot and find it really hard when husband gets back early from work. Even though he will just be downstairs doing his own thing, because he's there and I'm aware of him it's a distraction. I feel compelled to go down and talk to him and I find it harder to stay on task.
Wow. I didn’t realize other people struggle with something so similar. I work from home and even if someone is quiet and not being disruptive, I can’t focus. I need to be alone. I don’t have advice but I feel less upset with myself knowing I’m not alone in this.
Same! Your things don't get moved so less hunting for things. There's no back & forth about who will do what or when/how - it's all on you. You get to make all the decisions about how to arrange the day, decorate, purchases, bills, pets. No one interrupting you in the middle of things. Significantly less mess to contend with. Less noise. I can have a podcast blaring while I fall asleep. I do find it lonely sometimes, but living with a partner/room mates was terrible for me - I was constantly overwhelmed & ended up burnt out.
I had the exact same problem until we moved into a place with two floors. With him being upstairs it fixed the issue at least 75%. Hoping our next place has a basement for his office lol.
I appreciate your post. I hadn’t thought of it this way and it makes sense while I get so irritable because I literally have no time to myself at home. He talks about all the friends he has but talks to none of them.
I can only relax when no one else’s energy is in the house. I crave connection but function best in isolation. To manage that, every few months I contact a woman that has an Airbnb in my town, far enough away to have real space but close enough to care for my mom if needed as I care for my elderly mother in my home. The woman with the Airbnb is amazing, has cared for elderly parents in the past and lets me stay if she doesn’t have paying guests scheduled. All I pay is the cleaning fee, and I do most of the cleaning for her as a thank you (I used to own/operate a b&b.) it helps just knowing the possibility of staying there and letting my nervous system reset exists.
This is so unbelievably relatable to me, OP. *WOW* Looking forward to the replies to see why other people think this is. Thank you so much for posting this. 💗 Hope we both can find ways to sort it out ‘cause I like the people I live with, too!
From a lot of the comments it sounds like unmasking is very freeing. Maybe its the masking that makes it so hard to life with other people around? I've never lived alone but everyone tells me I should but for me it's hard to imagine how it would be better considering what I think about when living with a roommate. She lives a very scheduled life and sometimes when I hear her doing things it reminds ME to do things - like she's awake so you should wake and get ready for school, its meal time please consider your hunger status, its 11pm she's going to sleep you should also not be up super late after this. I always think about moving to my own place but then I'd be scared I'd end up a hermit and not have human interaction (by choice).
I feel those reminders too but they also come with pangs of this almost panicked feeling, like "oh shit of course I'm last again." Probably some trauma from my upbringing, e.g. being last to wake up and being poked at for it by others. When I lived alone I could ease into a real schedule, it wasn't perfect at first, but I'd get like a fiery passion to work on it after letting myself go and my life becoming shit lol (nocturnal schedule, barely any food in the fridge, etc.) It becomes easier over time, and you can also have external accountability from having places to be (clubs, gym, work, hanging out with friends, etc.) I'm also considering getting a dog, you need to get up to feed and walk them.
Oh man this is so weird I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently, I am the same way whilst living with my husband. It’s just so different being alone. I love him obviously and want to spend time with him all the time. But I think it’s detrimental to my mental health to not have some chunks of alone time. Him being in his office doesn’t do it and it really needs to be a few hours at minimum to be effective for me. It’s very frustrating.
I so hear you. And I’m right there with you. I’d like to figure it out as well because I currently live alone and I just love it so much. However, I’d like to be capable of living with someone I love and possibly even having a family. I just… don’t know how it would be possible. I’d be so resentful. At least in my current state of mind. I don’t know 😭
Either myself, my husband or one of my kids has been sick over the last three weeks and I have slowly been going nuts. I'm ready to cry at the drop of a hat and I really just want to be alone for like a week now and not talk to anyone.
Thanks for sharing this. It’s brought tears to my eyes. This is my daily reality too, and it’s blowing my mind too to hear someone saying it! I hate the question what’s for dinner so much, it sends me into a total spin - for all the reasons you’ve listed. I appreciate you voicing it x
Tell him you need time to be home alone to recharge and see if he can leave the house for certain periods of time so he can go do a hobby or something lol
I’ve been living alone for almost a year and love it! For all the reasons already mentioned. I’m coming up on a lease renewal and I’m not sure what to do. Money is a problem and I need more structure. I really don’t know how to eat healthy on a budget. I’ve decided I need to find a way to stay alone. Like I’m definitely up for a relationship again if it’s a fit bit I’d love to also still have my own place.
I’ve got the opposite, if I’m alone I have no one to keep me accountable, I will forget to do basic things for myself like feeding myself and end up desperately making food at midnight 😹 (that is exactly what happened the other night when my husband was away on a business trip)! 🙈
Wow you and all the commenters here put an issue of mine (that I couldn’t really grasp before) into words! Thank you all!!
I could cry I’m so grateful I found this sub guys. Y’all are incredible, thanks for the post OP
this isn’t my experience but friends: she and her wife got a house that has more modes of separation. they both actually function pretty well having somewhat “separate” lives. they both have their own bedroom and often do sleepovers (v cute), they have their own bathrooms bc my friend (the adhd one) gets completely off task for the day if she gets ready in the same place as wife. they also have their own cabinets for specific foods (like workout supplements and certain snacks). they have a system where if either one of them is in the living room, they’re signaling that they are okay with talking/hanging out/freely making plans for the rest of the day. i probably left out details but that’s something they do that helps!
That’s amazing communication between them!
it is! it works well and gives a roommate vibe that has been beneficial to their individuality!
My BF had a job interview this week, and my child is being a moody teen, while I'm battling pmdd out of hell I swear. The bf was a ball on neurotic energy and my kid goes through mood swings. I realized at least one of us in that whole hot mess has to keep their shit together. So I did, except now that the interview is over, I'm so drained and just feel dead inside. I'm struggling with regulating myself, having angry outbursts, and I'm so deeply ashamed. My kid had a mini panic attack yesterday and I handled it oh so wrong and I feel so guilty. I apologized profusely but I just feel like a terrible shitty parent because out of all people, my child is the one who actually needs a functional adult, and I'm completely out of my spoons because I did not ration them properly. I tend to have things somewhat ok but this week had just been rough. On better days I make sure my family knows my alone time requirements, I need to communicate ahead that I am disregulated, and when my bf and I decide to move in together (not happening any time soon, hahaha but we do spend weekends together where he stays at our place) we are getting separate bedrooms. I think that's the only way for someone like me to have a little space that is just mine where I can be free to just recharge and invite people or kick them out of that space. Anyways that may be not much of help for you, but I wanted to say I understand. I think the key is having a designated space in your home that is just yours and use to it's full advantage
I just had this talk with my husband a few weeks ago and every single day I think about looking for an apartment in the next town over
This is so conflicting. I enjoyed living alone, but then it gets lonely to not have somebody to talk to about anything right at that moment. Sometimes I just need to talk about random stuff nonstop for 2+ hours.
I've lived alone for the past 6 or 7 years now, but have plans to move in with my boyfriend in the next year. A bit afraid of how we'll manage but I'm sure we'll work something out. Appreciate some of the tips and suggestions from other posters here.
I’ve never resonated more with a post. I was just diagnosed last year at 44. All due to my life literally feeling like it was falling apart after getting married at 40 and having my first child at 41. All of a sudden I couldn’t “do life” and be a “perfectionist” anymore. Prior to that I was single and lived alone for 5 years. I felt like a boss handling life, a successful career, and had amazing self-care. I truly felt at my happiest and at the peak of my life. Before that I was married for 7 yrs, but he worked at night and I had TONS of alone time and never felt these issues. I have felt so much guilt for feeling this way and daydreaming about my old single life. I’ve been thinking I just must be a really selfish person. I’ve never been able to properly verbalize this to my husband without sounding like an asshole and hurting his feelings. I’m going to share this post with him in hopes he will better understand that it is the ADHD. I love my little family SO much, but I’m not at my best if I don’t have time to - download- is what I call it. Thank you for posting this and for everyone commenting. It’s helping my guilt so much!
Yesss seconding the own bedroom thing! I think sensitive people might not realize how much the physical space within their living space affects their headspace (not just clutter but vibes and style, knowing no one is going to barge in or judge you for the mess). I feel like having your own room where you are 100% in control of can help you feel like you’re 100% you when you’re in that space, instead of your sense of you being completely and constantly intermingled with a partner or other family members
Get a dog? His internal clock helps me to regulate mine. Plus he gets me out of the house at least twice a day, and there are some occasional social interactions that help me practice being a normal person.
My father was just like you. I’m the complete opposite opposite/ I get way more done when I’m not alone. I’m an extrovert tho, being alone makes me unproductive
@NiteElf I tried to reply to you but it’s gone into the main thread. Just to say I identify so much with this and thank you for sharing it . Really choked me up x
For me the best thing about living alone that completely changed my space from a shipwreck into a clean, mostly tidy, adult living space is the certainty of my systems that I know by heart. All my things are where they're supposed to be, and will only move if I make the decision to change the system (i.e. the spoon isn't only in the drawer, but it's in the drawer on the left utensil box, on the left side of the forks, and I know exactly how many spoons are clean and how many are dirty). I also get to the chores when it feels right for me, not a second before, not a second after. There's also no sense of doing too much work (because I have to pick up after other people to get the space to the level I'm comfortable with), or too little work (because I can't get myself to tidy up the space like what others want or at the time they want it done). I think having clear personal space for yourself in the house might help. Although there are of course still other common spaces that need to be taken care of together. I've tried adopting my partner's system when we lived together, and it helped a little bit with that sense of certainty I mentioned. But I got frustrated when I didn't feel like the system is as efficient or "logical" as I wanted it to be.
I’m just curious, are you folks medicated? I do have a lot of the same issues with not being able to do stuff with other people around etc, wondered if meds help..
It definitely helps! For me, something that would be an 8 on the disruptive scale goes down to like a 3. But it doesn’t take the issue away entirely
I don’t really have an explanation either and I also love my DP and am happy to live with him but oh my god when he goes away for a work trip I am on CLOUD NINE lol. I’ll be in the office just so excited to get home to be alone without any interruption. Definitely think it’s some sort of combination of masking and my brain just using a lot of space being aware of him. He also has a habit of saying something random, and it’ll take me too long to process so I don’t respond in a normal time frame, and then he gets miffed that I’m being rude. The unbridled joy of just being non verbal for days is utter bliss 😂 He’s truly a gem and the greatest guy but I do wish he had a few more work trips. I think I’d actually love long distance to be honest, like if he had to work overseas in a tax haven for a few years and just visit me for holidays. Dreamy 😆😆