Yeah my best friend lost her dad suddenly a few months ago and she continued working and socialising as if it hadn’t even happened. It hit her about a month ago, like a bag of wet cement.
For me, my dad was a hoarder, home was about to foreclose, and the day he died he had several people break into his home to steal his known valuables and medicine. I had a year of dealing with everything back to back and once the dust settled I cried so hard cause I could barely mourn during all of it, I was forced to be in action the whole way and be numb.
That is seriously tough, what a terrible thing to deal with on top of everything else. Seems like the world doesn't slow down even for a second, for us to catch a breath and grieve.
That’s when you need your support people to guide you through and encourage you to TAKE the time to breathe and grieve, it’s a survival instinct to “man up “ especially when you’ve got to care for your baby. Thankfully it sounds like your people are sturdy. Grief is not a paint-by-number thing. To me it sounds like you’re in shock and soldier mode has been engaged, be gentle with yourself and bless you and your family/friends …..maybe a good analogy is feelings and perceptions are individual, I still don’t understand why Adam Sandler is considered funny, his movies are like nails on a chalkboard or watching someone kick a puppy time. But he is amazingly talented in other people’s opinions; accepting your feelings is what makes you you
Yup. When dealing with everything related to their death your mind just wants to get these tasks done and over. I remember when the dust settled for me when my father passed away. I looked at our doorway and realized he would never again be coming through the door with that smile on his face, even when he had a bad day at work. Oh boy never cried so hard in my life. And it hurts to this day. Every. Single. Day.
Mom died of fentanyl OD. Life long addict. Prescriptions turned street. I knew from the day of notification. I felt...relief. Sadness but also relief.
Then came the arrangements. As the oldest I became the director. Two weeks of adrenaline fueled stress. Event over.
I cried in the medians. Pulled over on highways. For months. Then now its Narcan is over the counter. My second making a face. My oldest riding a bike. I still feel relieved for her.
Like the scene in a A Scanner Darkly...i cleaned up her shooting gallery 6 inches from where my oldest used the restroom 10 months prior.
The anger sadness and relief I felt at that moment was a terror matched only by handling the affairs preceding.
That happened to my mom's house. There was still stuff that needed to be put in storage, her estate to settle and finalize all of her affairs. Cleaning out her house was a nightmare.
It hit me like a semi truck months later. My cousin warned me, I didn't see it coming. It just out of the blue hit hard.
I’m sorry about your loss. My main moment was once the house was clear and I realize most of my dad’s family never helped me during it and I felt alone. My dad was my main tie to his family and I barely talk to any of them since.
Ditto. My Dad was my best friend and passed away suddenly. My wife was about 3 months pregnant at the time and we had a 2 YO. Some if his last words were about how excited he was to meet his new grandchild. I didn't show much at first and stayed "strong" for my sister's and Mom. But in the month after I didn't show much either. My damn broke at my daughter's birth. She came out looking just like him. I held her and really cried cried for the 1st time since the night he passed. To this day, sometimes, when I look at her or when I hold her a tear still escapes me.
I usually only cry when I talk about my dad having only had one visit cross country from us with my second child at the age of 1. I had my time with him (certainly taken for granted) but I hate that they missed getting to know each other.
And now I'm crying.
No shame. My Dad had a hip injury and just got a replacement. He was excited to finally be able to be himself again and move without a cane. We were planning a fishing trip. You always think there's more time. Nobody ever actually expects Superman to die. I'm sorry for your loss friend. Sincerely.
This is why I always try and remember to make a note on my calendar to check on my friends one month after they have a significant death in their family.
Because it usually hits AFTER everyone has stopped checking in every day or every other day to make sure you're ok.
this is the nicest thing you could possibly do, you must be an amazing friend. my dad died suddenly in october and i’m fortunate enough to have a friend who was the first in the door at the viewing but also made a point to check in on me way after all the chaos was over. it was like, yeah, i think i’m fine, but if nobody asked me i wouldn’t be fine. i will never forget that.
Happened when my bestie lost her dad a few years ago. she was so focused on making sure everything was taken care of that when she finally sat down, the flood gates opened and she let it all out.
It’s been 5 years 3 months for me. It hit me hard on day 1, then I was kinda over it for a couple years. It pretty much took over my entire life at year 3 years and I’m just now feeling like I’m out of the woods.
My friend lost their dog recently and they didn't act like they cared at all. Until out of the blue one day it hit them like a tube sock filled with quarters
I have a cousin who last year lost their favorite backpack. They used a different one for a few weeks until one day they opened their closet and it fell on them from the top shelf like a pillowcase with 30 hamsters inside.
My dad died on valentines day this year, and I'm the only one he has. It's been nothing but forcing myself to try and not feel.
I wish I could grieve properly but I feel like I'm just going to completely fall apart.
This year has been fuckin shit.
I was working today and just almost started crying when just a random ass song came on, I just got so flooded with emotions and I just had to bottle it back up
Hey man, I’m sorry to hear about your loss. I’m in a similar boat but a little further out (my wife left me in December and my father passed away in January), and yeah it fucking sucks but I gotta tell you that just doing things the way I knew he’d want them to be done, or doing things to specifically honor him and acknowledge his impact on my life, it’s really gone a long way toward helping me process my grief over his passing.
I don’t know if that will work for you or not but I figured I’d share my experience since it worked for me and, hey, we all need as much help as we can get when we’re going through stuff like that. Wish you well, stay safe!
Same boat too lol. Gf of 5 years, 2 kids left me new years, so it's been a struggle.
Trying to make things work between but it's just alot of work trying to be a better human and partner and father while also trying to not fall apart mentally.
And yes. Everyone is helpful. You went through a similar experience and I am sorry you had to go through it, but your dad would want you to help someone out with what helped you through your hard time.
It's full circle, and I appreciate you
You sound like you’ve got a pretty good head on your shoulders, but those two events back to back and in that order? That’s going to put anyone through the wringer. Don’t be too hard on yourself right now, ask for help if you need it, no one will think less of you for it, it’s ok to just be broken for a little while right now. I appreciate you sir!
This conversation is so wholesome. It’s always great to see two strangers encouraging each other and helping out in any way they can (:
So sorry to both of you for your losses, and I wish you both the best!
The double hit makes it hard to function. Both breakups and death have a grieving process. I can’t imagine. So sorry for your loss and you too u/difficult-Opinion465.
There is no such thing as grieving properly. Try not to assign the way you grieve with judgement of any kind. You are meant to grieve the way you are meant to in any given moment. ❤️
Thank you for saying this. I'm a mortician & grief counselor & the number of times I've told people that grief isn't a one size fits all thing...
While I can appreciate Kubler-Ross for giving people a framework for discussing & processing grief, there are days I'd cheerfully love to have a short sharp conversation with them in a back alley. Hell, I even got into a rather loud & long argument with one of my funeral directing professors about this during class. They were insisting that grief HAD to fall into the K-R model. The only concession they had was that it *may* not go 'in order'. I pointed out that EVERY human emotion is & can be a response to death, they insisted that no one would ever feel joy or happiness in response. I was looking them dead in the eye when I responded that when a certain relative of mine died I went to the bar that night & bought a round to celebrate & had the best night of sleep after I'd ever had to that point. They didn't like that.
I worked the funeral of a 90+ yo man whose wife showed up during the last hour of a 6 hour memorial drunk off her ass. She staggered up to the casket, slapped him, spit on him, then told the entire crowd she was glad he was dead bc he'd abused her for over 65 years & they all stood by & did nothing, so they could all fuck off, & she'd be in the bar down the street getting plastered to celebrate. You bet your ass I went & bought her a drink once we closed for the night. And drove her home & got her into bed.
I had a boss that was incredibly nasty & misogynistic, hated that I was taller than him, that I was a female embalmer, that I was a goth, etc. Used me as his personal chew toy for years. I found out a few years ago that he died of a particularly fast moving & awful cancer. My first reaction to hearing about his death was 'Good. He deserved it.' Then I felt guilty about feeling that way, but my feelings about him stayed the same.
My Dad died 22 years ago & I still miss him intensely, still cry about not being able to call him or send him things or chat about music or grill steaks & drink butterscotch schnapps while arguing about Star Trek vs Star Wars. It hits me like a truck at random moments & probably will for the rest of my life.
Every response is a valid one. It's so personal to you & the nature of your relationship with them. Sometimes there's sadness & anger & denial & bargaining, yes, but also...
Sometimes there's joy. Relief. Annoyance. Bitterness. Emotions that are not for the death but for the things that death will or won't affect. Sometimes the processing takes a few days, sometimes years. Some deaths don't affect you right away but will hit you months or years down the line. Some deaths affect you greatly for a short time period than just become part of your new normal & don't really affect you at all after that.
There is no 'proper' response. There is no 'proper' timeline. The only caveat I ever add is that if your emotions about the death are interfering with your daily life to an abnormal point for you, then you should get therapy to help you process whatever it is your feeling so you can get back to living. But that determination is one that only the person who is feeling those things can make.
I was you a year ago. Got the news of my dad's passing on Valentines day 2022. He had passed the night before and I had been looking for him as he was homeless. It didn't feel real for weeks.
It's been a year now and the anniversary didn't hit as hard as I expected. I cried on and off for weeks though. Let yourself fall apart over it in little moments. The tears still come when I hear certain songs but I try to focus on my good memories with him. We didn't have a great relationship due to his addiction but it was still the worst day of my life to get that news.
My heart goes out to you through this time. Take extra care of yourself right now. Grief comes and goes as you continue your daily routines, but you learn to live with it.
My dad passed a few months after getting housing of an overdose. It's so difficult, and I'm so sorry. It's always difficult when I see someone in the same boat. Much love.
I'm sorry for your loss. When you get home, listen to that sad song and let your emotions go, bottling up pain causes pain to come out somewhere else in our bodies. Take care of yourself.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve been there too. Both of my parents died within 6 months of each other during quarantine (neither had covid). I tried to continue life as normal but within 3 months of mom’s death I ended up in the hospital from a panic attack and had to leave my job. My dad died right after I started a new job and I ended up having to leave that one shortly after as well. Allow yourself to grieve. If you try to bottle it or avoid it, it will only get worse once you finally can’t contain it anymore.
my mum also died on valentine's day, I was 15, it took a while to be able to listen to the foo fighters again, it won't ever not be crappy to lose your parent but eventually it won't be crappy all the time
I just want to add this since so many people are mentioning grief at recent losses.Sometimes when a Family member dies you do not grieve because they never allowed you to have a relationship with them.
And others may come up to you and console you and you have to thank them when you really do not need consoling.To those few people in this situation I am saying to not feel guilty
I’m so sorry - my dad died on Valentines Day last year and I had so much crap to do that I couldn’t cry. Then my FIL died in September- same thing. A little teary eyed, but couldn’t cry. Three months later, I’m listening to the radio and just start bawling in my car to the point tha I have to pull over.
Shock is a thing and it can last for a long time.
My sister lost her husband in a car accident when she was 32. She found a local grief group because it's ok to talk about how you feel or cry or rage or whatever it takes to help you move through the process. She stopped attending when she felt she'd been able to work through her grief. There's no timeline for it, though. No magic pill, and no deadline. We still grieve her husband, but not as much as we did then. See if you can find a group in your area. If nothing else, it's an hour of your day where you can talk to people who are going through the same thing you are and work through your feelings. You HAVE to take care of yourself. You matter.
My mum died in early February this year, the day after my birthday, and we had her funeral on Valentine’s Day. I was so focussed on helping her in hospital, then helping my family get through her death and planning the funeral, then the aftermath of the funeral for everyone else that I still haven’t sat down and had a big proper cry. Every now and then I have a little cry to my husband, but I know the big episode is still coming at some point.
If you want to talk, my dms are always open. This year has been so, so shit.
Same for my husband with his uncle. His uncle was more of a father to him than his father. His uncle passed away in a terrible drowning accident, and my husband seemed sad, but mostly unaffected. Until a year later when his cat died the same way...then he crashed hard. His uncle was the only thing he could think/talk about and he was terribly depressed. He ended up quitting his job during the crisis, and could hardly function for months.
Sometimes grieving is a delayed response. Almost like it takes time to truly realize that you won't ever be with them again
I don’t wanna take away from your story or OP’s so I’ll be brief. I had a similar experience. My grandmother died from a fall accident, one of my best friends died from an OD, and then I had to put my childhood dog down all within a few months. The grief from the first two didn’t really hit until I put my dog down, and then I had to spend a year in grief focused therapy to be really functional again. I tried burying in it work, but I realized the issue when I started having breakdowns while on the job.
Yea, my husband lost his dad two years ago. In the beginning he was living in a daze, there were so many things to be handled, he didn't have time to really grieve. Then he had to go away for work (his bos offered him to stay at home, but my husband preferred to be distracted) at some point his boss put on music and one song (pappa/Stef Bos - the artist sings about his dad and finding out how much they are alike now he's no longer there) really hit my husband in the feels, that's the point he had to walk away and call me and cry a bit. His boss was very apologetic, he forgot he put that particular song in his Playlist
I sing cats in the cradle to my kids at bedtime. Mainly to remind myself where to invest my time and energy. But I do feel a little guilty knowing that song will wreck them after I'm gone. (Assuming I don't nuke our relationships).
My best friend killed himself a few years ago and his last message to a few of us was "I believe" by Stevie Wonder. I just have to think about the refrain and I lose it.
I am sorry for your loss. Same thing with me. My mom passed in Jan. First few days my face and body hurt from crying so much. Then it was nothing for the next month. Now i feel like grief slaps me whenever. It is so weird.
Im sorry to hear that. Grief is a bitch, for lack of a better word.
We knew we were going to lose him, and Im the type that naturally locks down his emotions. So will he went downhill, I ended up steeling myself for it, so when it hit, it hit. Like you still does at times, for no rhyme or reason.
Me too. It took me months to actually accept it. I was very stoic until it hit me, then I had a panic attack so bad I swear I thought it was either a heart attack or anaphylactic shock. I ended up in the hospital with a $5000 copay and a prescription for a sedative I never filled.
Grief is weird. You never know what’s going to happen or how you are going to feel. Crying isn’t the only way to mourn a loss. There’s no wrong way to grieve and everyone does it differently
Also, it's true it has "stages" but they're never in the order everyone assumes. OP could be in an "acceptance" stage now and then suddenly get hit with a huge wave of grief.
Honestly, I wish OP could stay feeling like this. But I'm guessing the grief is going to hit him eventually.
And you can go back and forth, too. With each loss, the timeline and order have been utterly different for me.
Unexpected deaths bring more shock and can delay the heck out of other stages. Long slides can mean you grieved well before their death. Suicides can have a lot of bouncing between guilt and anger, can't help but wonder if you could have helped more even if you know better intellectually. Same with drug and alcohol deaths.
With my mom's accidental death it took 6 months to begin grieving at all, I was so swamped with things to do and just plowed through until I went on vacation and could relax and feel anything. Plus, I had a comically bad therapist who I believe now knew jack shit about grief, but my dad and I were clueless then. Today, I'd have tried different ones until I found a good fit, but you live, you learn.
Nothing neat and tidy about grief and you never know until you get there.
This, OP. Your mind and body are numbing themselves to pain and grief so that you can function. It’s a survival instinct and completely normal. But it can turn into something unhealthy long term if you don’t work through it in therapy. Trauma like this can put you in long term survival-only mode which leads to major depression. You owe it to yourself and your son to start working through this with a professional.
yes please seek therapy to process. My brother in law lost his wife when their child was 3 (suicide, sadly) and he never got help for himself or the son. It has now been 25 years since then and I could write a book on how severe depression and PTSD have impacted all areas of both of their lives. Don't feel guilty for the way you are feeling - there is no right or wrong feelings but I cannot recommend therapy enough.
My dad died when I was a kid and I never processed it properly, life just went on. And that shit hit me really hard mid thirties. It took a really long time to catch up, but it did. And it was bad.
Yes, this. My husband’s mother died when he was in high school. He said for most of the first year he was in shock. He never went to therapy or grief counseling. And I’m pretty sure his mental state would be a lot better today, almost 20 years on, if he has gone. It still affects him greatly.
Please seek therapy.
My therapist and I discussed this exact thing. I've not lost a spouse, so my situation isn't the same. But I can confirm that therapy can help with understanding how you grieve.
I agree, some have called me emotionless due to not expressing at the time. But one day, anywhere from a year to a decade later I snap and can't control the emotional release when that portion of grey matter clicks. All I can do is remember the good times, miss them and cry.
Edit: I am truly pleased to find out I am not a one-off freak with how I deal with loss and the Inability to grieve right away. Thank you all who have typed out your personal feelings so I don't feel alone in my ways.
Yep, I unfortunately lost a baby and I felt fine for almost a year and then one day just snapped and was not okay for a long time. I thought I was crazy for not feeling anything until it happened.
A dear friend of mine passed last year and I still have to remind myself that he's gone. Although I still text him from time to time to give him shit for literally ghosting me. Kevin, you asshole.
I still get mad and yell at Adam, a former apprentice, friend and colleague of mine. Then usually the next time I hear the song that was playing when I got the call, I go over the deep end for at least 5 minutes. It's been 20 years since I last saw and talked to him, the day before he took the big sleep.
Same. Felt like a robot when I lost my mom, didn't even cry, or show much emotions at the funeral, all I was thinking through it was that I wanted it to be something she would have approved. It hit me later, I don't really remember exactly when, this period is a bit of a blur. I would remember something and just randomly burst crying, typically at home when I was starting to relax and not keeping myself constantly busy with something, so I don't have time to think.
Yeah, this is basically how it’s been going since I lost my mother in November. I worry it’s going to hit really hard at one point… so now that’s becoming an added anxiety. Oy.
I lost my mom just over 7 years ago. I cried a little here and there but never really did the “TV sobbing breakdown” thing. About a year later my uncle (her brother) passed away. When I was getting ready to leave the funeral, I felt it coming. I had to get out of there- got in my car and let it rip. Everything came pouring out and it was so cathartic…
Having someone around to talk to, or rather mostly listen to me talking, helped a lot. It would have probably been better to get therapy but it's not popular where I am from, and it's almost entirely private, so I skipped. If you have access to therapy, don't be like me and at least try it. Better to get help than struggle on your own, or make your close ones involuntary therapists.
Not saying it's the most healthy coping method but I really persisted with keeping busy to stay sane. When I didn't have anything else, I read as it kept me engaged and not thinking.
Oh, I already had/have a good therapist! He’s expensive and out of pocket, since I wanted “alternative” therapies (which my insurance network doesn’t cover); but he has been of some help so far. Still a long way to go, however, and I don’t feel like I have anyone else to talk to. I have my siblings and friends, but they’re dealing with their own stuff too.
We also didn’t have a funeral, at our mother’s request. But we are having a celebration of life next month, with a lot of family and friends coming from all over. So I hope that provides some closure for us.
I hope it doesn't come up as creepy but I won't mind if you drop me a message when you want to talk to someone and noone else is available.
It was weird with my mom, the funeral was some closure, but it was so soon after she passed that it wasn't really. My mom passed from cancer caught too late, and while we knew it was coming it was faster than the prognosis. Just 2 months after we first realised something was very wrong. On one hand, I was glad she wasn't suffering anymore, on the other I felt why her, and a lot of what ifs if we did things differently.
In your case some time has already passed, so I hope you have a beautiful celebration with your close ones, and it gives you the closure you need. I think it's better than a traditional funeral, you can share fond memories of your mom, not concentrating just on her death.
With my mom - she was very religious, so I organised a church funeral, as I felt this is what she would have wanted. It's a somber atmosphere but it was sort of soothing to do something she would have approved.
That happened to me during my dad's death ,I was fine and I was strong I didn't feel much of anything because I had responsiblities but afterwards when the dust settles down ,the emotions just built up till I broke ,it wasn't pretty but grief never is.
This. Your gonna be doing something simple like going to the movies or find something you wanna share and suddenly it'll smack you in the face. I found my dad when he hung himself and I was the only one not to cry then, at the funeral, or anything til a daily task triggered it and I had a meltdown omw home from work. Ever since that seal broke I've found that it happens a lot more.
I agree. I’ve lost multiple loved ones so I’ve learned that grief is complicated. Usually the grief was immediate. But I’ve also lost someone and it took two months before I felt anything other than guilt for doing so well. Then came anger. Then tears. However and whenever it shows up for you just remember to give yourself grace. I am sorry for your loss.
There’s no way to grieve properly but get yourself a therapist lined up and ready to go. Some people (and I’m one of them) are fantastic in crisis situations and your young wife dying suddenly Ky is one of them.
For people like me (and likely you) we go numb until our subconscious decides it’s “safe” to process this. Which it’s not a good judge of as I completely lost my shit driving in an intersection 5 months after a family death (I forget what special it’s in but Christopher Titus talked in one of his comedy shows about being completely fine with his Mom’s death until he was on a plane and lost his shit which is the Wrong Place to completely lose your fucking mind).
You have a 5 year old. Your brain isn’t going to let you fall apart when he needs you but I highly HIGHLY suggest the both of you get into therapy, join some grief support groups and you get your shit lined up for when it does hit you because in my experience it’s a doozy when it goes pop.
There’s no “right” way to grieve.
>For people like me (and likely you) we go numb until our subconscious decides it’s “safe” to process this.
This is an *extremely* common trauma response. I’m a very emotional person and wear my heart & mind on my sleeve…then I was the victim of a stranger attack on my own porch. Of course in the immediate aftermath I was emotional and crying a ton…then it just stopped. My brain entered survival mode and I went to work finding a new apartment, dealing with police/legal stuff, moving, unpacking, paying medical bills…and once I finally felt settled in my new space, the PTSD hit me harder than my attacker did lol it was actually the night that I paid my last medical bill. I thought that would help me close that chapter of my life and move on but it did the complete opposite lol. Thank goodness I was already in therapy to cope with a recent ADHD diagnosis and my therapist happens to specialize in trauma therapies. I’m doing so well now thanks to her (and myself, for doing the work!)
From a European perspective it blows my mind, that you had to PAY for getting physically better after attack somebody else did intentionally to you?! I'm so sorry about what happened to you.
Thanks. I was actually hesitant to go to the hospital when the police called an ambulance, but the EMT said “you were assaulted. You’re not gonna be the one paying the bill, they are.” Unfortunately the police were never able to arrest them because it happened so quickly that I wasn’t able to identify anyone in a photo line up. So I never got any justice or restitution, but now that I think about it…the state may have a victim compensation fund. I gotta look into that
I was gonna say, the state may pay for it. It's not your fault that you were attacked, and it's not your fault that they couldn't arrest him.
Now, I'm Canadian, so I don't know all the rules down there, but it seems way too logical that you should NOT have to pay for it. Sorry you are going through all this... Thingsll look up, I'm sure!
A) You are still numb and in shock. It will probably wear off between six and nine months (at least that is what I have observed in real life).
B) DO NOT DATE OR START A NEW RELATIONSHIP FOR AT LEAST A YEAR. You will be tempted to replace grief with “new relationship energy” but it delays the healing process and messes up everyone around you.
C) I am sorry for your loss.
Exactly! Rebounding off a separation is way different than rebounding the death of your life partner, it’s a different energy entirely. Please give yourself some time
Excellent point. I really hope OP saw this. My brother lost his wife in a car accident. He remarried quickly. Turned out the new woman was a serial divorcee, you know, marrying multiple times just long enough to legally get child support from multiple men. Her own family tried to talk him out of marrying her, but he couldn't see things clearly. There's a special pit in hell reserved for her.
NTA. You’re still in survival mode…what you’re feeling isn’t abnormal.
I recommend seeing a therapist so you can process your grief. Your son may need it too.
You may just be on autopilot, or survival mode. grief is insanely weird. Give yourself time and grace and honestly stop relying on your sister. You need to figure out your new normal.
It's been less than a month since his very young wife unexpectedly died and left him both a widow and a single parent. Long term yes he'll need to adjust again but I don't think relying on his sister's help is something that needs to end right now. He's had a single month. My grandpa died at the very respectable age of 88 of something we've known was a long time coming and it STILL messed me up for a solid month, I can only imagine how long it'll take for OP to recover.
I think it's more that he shouldn't look at her as a replacement. It should more be that he should stop pushing himself to upkeep everything and take advantage of the time she's there to process what's happened, remember his wife. And not force a cry session. Just relax, and remember, and let himself feel what he feels, *as* he feels it. She's the safety net when the grief finally hits, not the replacement parent partner. And looking at her like that might be preventing him from processing the loss of his wife.
You sound numb and overwhelmed rather than indifferent. You’ve experienced a huge loss, and the amount that you cry in the first few months—or ever—is not the measure of how much you loved your wife. You will likely feel her absence acutely in the future at moments and in ways you cannot anticipate now.
Given that you’re judging yourself and fretting over grieving the “right” way, it might be a good idea to talk to a therapist and/or join a support group.
I’m so sorry for your sudden, devastating loss.
I would be a little concerned over the detachment. And did you always call your son 'the kid'? Or are you detaching from him, too?
Be very careful of your attachment to your sister. In a vulnerable state, it would be easy to emotionally substitute her for your wife and the mother of your kid.
I thought of that, I definitely don’t want to be THAT person, but due to his wording “the kid”, “happy with the life I’m living now”, “indifferent”, “disrespecting her memory by moving on too quickly”. I mean he didn’t mention going on dates or anything. Idk. Grief is different for everyone. I just sincerely hope everyone gets the right therapy in this tragic story.
YUP. I didn’t even realize I did this. Happened to me at my grandpas funeral. I Didn’t cry when I saw his body. I didn’t cry the day of his burial. It hit hard months later on my birthday.
I didn't grieve my aunt properly for about a year. Same with my Grandmothers in law. I felt sad, I cried a little, and then I just didn't feel anything except kind of sad? But about a year later each time I had weeks where I was just crying every day thinking of them and missing them. Grief is different for everyone and there is no set timeline on when you will feel your feelings. However you feel is how you feel. You may feel different later, that's okay. Even now if I think of them too much I'll cry. But after it happened, like I said, for a while I could not. I'm sorry for your loss.
"Am I disrespecting her memory by moving on too quickly?"
But have you moved on? You've just replaced her in your routine with your sister. And you haven't felt her absence yet because you haven't been alone. Your sister is there in her place in everything except the bedroom. This is my totally unqualified opinion. But seems sort of logical. And the fact that you feel like you'll lose it if your sister leaves, seems to say you haven't moved on - you've just bookmarked the grief, set it aside sort of.
Either way, based on your own feelings (unhealthy attachment) about it and your sister's leaving it open ended - like she might be happy staying with you "forever" doesn't sound healthy for either of you.
I don't think it's bad for a sibling to move in and help at times like this. But those usually start out with the idea that it's for a limited time, not indefinitely and like "this is life now."
If you happen to be in NJ Message me. I can put you in touch with an amazing grief counselor. (It’s not me BTW)
There is not right or wrong way to process this.
My husband died last year. I couldn't allow myself to grieve how I felt about it because it was such a fresh wound and there was so much to do to put things together to take care of me and my family.
It will hit you at weird times. A song, smell or sight can trigger it. Don't feel bad because this is where you are now. I am still mostly numb from losing my best friend since I was 15. Best advice is to just ride the wave and ask for help (or even just a hug) if you need it. And take care of your kid's feelings even if you push yours aside for the moment. Your sister will fill in, but recognize that she has her own life too.
Grief can come out in different ways too. When my mom died I hated myself for not crying. I wanted to cry. I cared that she died, but it just came out in different ways. Picking up the phone to call and tell her something and remembering she wasn’t there anymore. Talking to someone about her in the present tense and only realizing later that she doesn’t have a present tense anymore. About 6-8 months later? Like somebody said, ton of bricks.
Right now you are surrounded with people who care about you and your sister is helping fill that void. You’re keeping what sounds to be very busy, which is a good distraction from grief, depression, pretty much any negative feeling. When things slow down and you find yourself looking at a life that is primarily just you and your motherless son, it will hit you and it will hit you hard. Try to remember at that time the people who were there for you now, because those are the ones you know you can turn to then. I’m so sorry for your and your son’s loss.
If you're already noticing that you're using your sister as your wife replacement, then maybe you should stop before something inappropriate happens.
I'm sorry for your loss.
You may well still be in shock. The grieving process is not done with you, I am afraid.
When my wife died, first month flew by and I thought I was doing great.
Second month-kapow!
Hugs to you.
Can’t grieve someone he never loved. When his sister moves out he’ll start grieving the loss of unpaid labour that she and his wife provided. Then suddenly he’ll find "love" again and post to r/widowers — "is it too soon to introduce my son to his stepmommy if my wife just died tomorrow ?“
Yeah this was depressing as fuck. If I die before my husband and he feels this way, there better not be an afterlife because knowing this would kill me all over again.
This was my first suspicion, but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and hope he’s just undergoing shock/delayed grief.
No offense to OP, but I’m going by how he worded his post. It sounds like his glorified servant/nanny died, but he’s doing okay since he had another “female” to step in. Which won’t be forever, since his sister has her own life. I doubt he’ll wait a year before dating again.
This reads like your bangmaid moved away. Send your sister away, and see if you fall apart. You’d atleast know if you loved your wife or the convenience of having her.
Everyone moves at different speeds with grief, but 1 month.....
You might internally be in the denial phase.
1 month for a spouses death, your son's mother, is way too soon.
> I am actually enjoying where I’m at now, and the life I have
Something is extremely abnormal here. Honest question - why do you think that you don't feel sad about your wife's death?
Like with a large majority of men, women are present in their life to fulfil a need…societal acceptance, sex, children, housekeeping etc. But once they are ill or even I guess, when they die, it’s no fcks given. Or the fcks given, is centred again back on the man’s needs, and the question of how he is going manage or do now? Not judging. It’s just a reality.
I'm surprised that I had to scroll down so far to see this answer. I don't get the vibe that he's in shock at all...once his wife's duties were replaced, life went on as normal for him and he was okay.
There’s ways of weeding out men like this. If you are sick for example, and they don’t offer you drinks or help around the house…they just wait for you to get better….
Still sorry for your loss man. Did she have any preexisting condition before. I mean are you not sad bc your totally overwhelmed with everything maybe even a little mad she left you with this. Just trying to figure it out. Bc I don't think a full day goes by that I don't think of my dad my cousin and my dogs. Man I miss those dogs
I’m so sorry for your loss, and I mean this very respectfully- What you seem to have done is, emotionally, replace your wife with your sister. The fact that you sound panicky at the thought of your sister leaving tells me that you have transferred your feelings of loss. I’m not saying any of that in judgement or criticism! But you should definitely see a grief therapist about it, for your own sake. You need to process your grief so that it doesn’t ruin your future, or your relationship with your sister.
When my grandma died, I cried when I found out. I didn’t cry at the funeral. I didn’t cry again about her death until 2022 when I realized I had forgotten the anniversary of her death. She passed in 2016. I cried again about it when I saw a tik tok with a girl who visited her grandpa and he still did all the things for her that he did when she slept over as a little girl. It was like 3am and I cried because I don’t have any grandparents anymore. I cried because I was 14 when she died and I was jealous that all my cousins and my older brother got more time with her since they were all 21-30 when she passed. We were besties. I miss her everyday and I’m gonna graduate college soon and she’s gonna miss it and she missed my high school graduation and I’m crying right now as I type this. When your child is hitting major milestones, you’ll be sad that she’s missing it. You’ll be sad when he gets married and she’s not there to see it. Don’t rush your grief.
How old is your sister? Don’t let this prevent her from growing and having a family of her own. And at least pretend to grieve for your child - play videos save them keep mementos
If your sister is going to stay on permanently to help out with everything, it may be years down the road before you feel the emptiness that goes where your wife was. You've been busy, it's only been a month, and unfortunately, life goes on. It may not have fully hit you yet, and it will once you've distanced yourself from the tragedy. Also, your sister is filling a part of that hole in your life right now, but there are roles your wife had that your sister can't fill. Once those needs start to feel neglected, it will hit you. You may not cry, and things may feel like they are in a good place at the moment, but the wound is still fresh, and you're probably still in shock. Don't feel guilty for not being more sad right now because you are coping with an extremely hard and new change in your life.
You haven't moved on, you replaced her immediately with your sister. Once she's gone your brain is gonna realize everything as it comes out of shock and then you'll feel very silly for posting this.
Unless your wife sucked, in which case idk man
It’s going to hit you like a ton of bricks. Use this time that you are in shock to find a therapist and make any arrangements that are needed for your child(babysitter, ect…).
Try some grief therapy. You are on autopilot right now because you have a child to take care of.
Grief is in waves, if you ignore it, it will hit you later.
((HUGS)) Sorry for your loss.
So I wanted to go nta, but I just can't sorry.
Your wife died, but since you're sister has moved in and assumed her role in all non coital aspects, your mindset is "no harm no foul"?
That's pretty harsh.
Honestly not surprising in this day and age, but still sad to see
NTA You seem to be in the numb stage. Not happy, not sad, not really anything. Unfortunately the pain is still there hidden. Try therapy so it doesn't manifest itself in an unhealthy way affecting your son. Grief therapy will also help you help your son navigate his feelings when he realizes his mom isn't coming back.
Grief is a weird beast.
Grief changes your emotional landscape seemingly at random. In one moment you can go from strong and mentally solid to emotionally insecure and vulnerable.
When my longtime partner died, I was beyond sad. I was mentally and emotionally devastated - and physically, I was a walking zombie shell of myself.
But I also remember weirdly, holding it together for his parents and my parents, and all of our friends. Packing up his stuff in boxes and still trying to *”hold it together for his Mom.”*
I kept waiting for some dramatic moment, where I would walk into a field, and just collapse and cry for hours…
But it didn’t happen like that.
Instead, I found myself later that summer walking the dog and just suddenly sobbing.
In another moment, a month later, our group of friends went on an overnight backpacking/camping trip with a 5 mile hike into the mountains. I will never forget when one of his good guy friends about 2 miles into the hike just looked up at the sky and said, “I fucking miss you.” He had tears just steaming down his cheeks and I didn’t notice till he said that. We all missed him so fiercely but in very different and difficult ways.
Grief makes no sense.
It is well camouflaged at all times. Be kind to yourself. When it comes to you personally dealing with the death of your wife - do not let anybody else’s opinions, perspective, or expectations have any relevance in your life.
Wishing you all the best as you navigate this next phase of your life. Take your time. Your deserve that.
Grief is just like that. My grandmother, who was my best friend and the person I loved most in the whole entire world died two months ago. At first, I was relieved as she was suffering so much and I wouldn't be so anxious about her dying (?) anymore, along with other issues. I didn't feel like it was real so I looked and still look completely normal. I went partying even.
However, I'm destroyed to my core. Every day I see her in everything I do, eat and hear. Her death is the air I breathe but you would never notice. It's just weird.
Grief takes time and it’s not linear. It’s like the longest and worst rollercoaster ride ever.
Please seek professional help for you and your son. This is going to be a long journey and it’s literally making me tear up to write it, but I don’t know that you have even gotten to the worst of it yet.
It sounds like your sister acting as a placeholder for your wife may be prolonging the impact because you’re not feeling the loss. Although there’s no proper way to grieve.
I’ve felt this way for family members who were very narcissistic like. Their death was a relief for me as I no longer had to deal with the dread of feeding into their ego, or the pressure of having to call them on special occasions just to hear them ramble about things Im not genuinely interested in. It felt like an extreme waste of my time.
Don’t you think it’s kind of messed up he’s only not “feeling the loss” because another woman is there doing the “womanly duties”? Shouldn’t he miss his wife for who she was as a person and how much he loved her and not for chores getting done and kids getting taken care of?
Please do not treat your sister like a wife/mother replacement. That is very unfair to her as women are more than mothers and housekeepers and it's 2024. It's good to have a good healthy bond with your sister and appreciate her help but maybe you'll start looking for a new wife soon to help you, which is a common thing to do if you do not want to do housework yourself.
Imagine and there's widows who never remarry and choose celibacy and loyalty to a dead husband for many decades until their own death..and men get over us within a month tops lol
NTA - of course.
There is no one way to handle loss and it's just been a month.
Get some professional counseling for you and your son though. Make sure he gets help to process a loss he probably can't even fathom at his age.
I'm sorry this happened to you, your son and your wife.
NTA but definitely get a therapist. Grief hits us in weird ways, and you need help processing it. Your sister stepping into the role of your wife is allowing you to dissociate from the loss completely - my husband says that’s not ok but I think for the sake of your kid, some stability in a female figure is likely to help. I just cannot stress enough how much you need therapy. EMDR has helped me a lot.
Nta. It just takes time and everyone grieves differently. Not crying or being as upset as you think you should doesn't mean you don't love and miss her.
I'm very sorry for your loss
Griefs different for everyone. My cousin died and the first day I didn’t cry. I know it’s sad and I can feel bad about it but it doesn’t affect me but then the other day I saw someone who looked like him and I sobbed controllably for what felt like forever. I can’t tell you how much the world swallowed me up that day
It can take time for grief to rear its head. Think about how in the movies when an explosion goes off there is this loud flat tone. The sounds of explosions are muffled and then all of the sudden everything crashes back into full volume. You might be in that phase.
Also, a month isn't that long, plus it's still winter (or summer depending on your hemisphere). Your wife could be on a work trip that they had to extend a couple extra weeks because of client changes. Or you two keep missing each other as she takes your son to school and you head off to work.
The depth of her gone-ness may not have fully sunk in yet.
Or you just process grief very quickly. Grief is rarely tidy. I'm sorry for your loss though. However, you feel about it, it still sucks.
Take your time! Grief takes time… I think you haven’t start grieving yet to be honest! Sounds that you have been so busy you haven’t been able to deal with it
OP, re-read this post. It's VERY sad. Taking timeout to cry is great. But your body knows it can't take long to do that. You have things to do, kids to look after.
Have you laughed lately? Been able to smile genuinely?
Sadness doesn't have to mean tears, it could be the lacking of other things.
When I was young I tripped in my art class, I put my hand out to catch myself - right on an 800 degree kiln. I remember dusting my hand off and being surprised it didn't hurt more. Until about 30 minutes later, I was sitting in my next class screaming my head off because the pain was unbelievable. The ER dr explained to me that when we have an injury that is too painful for us to handle - our body will turn off the pain sensors until we can handle it. (I'm sure there's a better more scientific explanation but that's how my 6th grade brain remembered it)
Our emotions can do the same. Losing your 28 year old wife has to be a huge shock. And now you're the sole caretaker for your 5 year old. You're not "getting over it" you're numb. You're coping the best that you can right now. You're focusing on surviving and caring for your child. That's normal. Grief is never that simple or that quick. Nor is it linear.
Definitely reach out to a grief counselor. This isn't just about you, but you processing your grief in a healthy way for your child. So you can model healthy grief for him.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
This May it will be six years since my little brother (27 at the time) killed himself and my son was born 3 weeks later. It took almost 2 years before it hit me because I buried myself with work, partying, and meaningless sex. I knew I needed to get help, but that other half of my brain said: nope, survival mode. Once I made the choice to actively seek help, it was like being crushed to death and then being revived.
If I have any advice it’s this: don’t let anyone tell you how to fucking grieve. Take your time and feel it all, because you’re going to have to face it sooner or later. Distance yourself from anyone who tells you to get over it, or how to feel, or how they would feel. These are emotional tourists and will drain you. Be kind to yourself, and put the kid first. They only get one childhood
I saw a short documentary about a guy who lost his mom and felt kinda like you do about it. Turns out he has aphantasia … so he doesn’t have pictures in his mind reminding him of her. Just throwing that out there
Everybody grieves differently. Your mind simply accepted her death and decided to move on rather than dwell on it. However, that being said, don’t be surprised if you hear a song on the radio months or even years from now and break down crying. My brother (and best friend) died 15 years ago and at random, it’ll hit me and I’ll spend 10 minutes weeping uncontrollably. I, too, felt indifferent after a month. Granted, that was my brother and not a spouse, but even so.
It’s going to hit at the weirdest times. You could be at the store and see a drink she likes and just lose it. Right now it’s the weird numb part.
I wouldn’t tell yourself you don’t feel sad about it. Your son is going to have so many moments where your heart will break a million times because she should be there.
Just please. Keep her memory alive for your little guy. Keep her in your daily conversations and don’t hide her pics. ESPECIALLY if you meet someone new. Your wife is not a threat to a new person. She will always be your child’s mom. If you keep talking about her, it will be normalized for your son. If you don’t, he’s going to resent the ever living shit out of you and grieve over and over.
My sister died last year and the first time I cried was at her funeral and I cried for hours. It was almost 2 months after she passed away that the funeral actually happened. And then I didn't cry after that for a long time and then one day I was sitting in the office at work. I was just goofing off for a little bit and it just kind of hit me that I wouldn't be able to text her or anything and I cried again. Since then it's been sporadic and random, but I never really feel sad any moments other than when I'm literally crying about it.
Grief is weird it'll sneak up on you at random moments
There are no grieving rules. There’s no grief police handing out tickets for failure to cry.
It takes a long time to get your head back to normal. Meanwhile, do your best for your son.
When my dad passed it took me some time before it hit me like a ton of bricks.
Yeah my best friend lost her dad suddenly a few months ago and she continued working and socialising as if it hadn’t even happened. It hit her about a month ago, like a bag of wet cement.
Sometimes, with all the funeral chaos, you just want a night of normalcy.
For me, my dad was a hoarder, home was about to foreclose, and the day he died he had several people break into his home to steal his known valuables and medicine. I had a year of dealing with everything back to back and once the dust settled I cried so hard cause I could barely mourn during all of it, I was forced to be in action the whole way and be numb.
That's really fucking rough. I'm so sorry.
That is seriously tough, what a terrible thing to deal with on top of everything else. Seems like the world doesn't slow down even for a second, for us to catch a breath and grieve.
That’s when you need your support people to guide you through and encourage you to TAKE the time to breathe and grieve, it’s a survival instinct to “man up “ especially when you’ve got to care for your baby. Thankfully it sounds like your people are sturdy. Grief is not a paint-by-number thing. To me it sounds like you’re in shock and soldier mode has been engaged, be gentle with yourself and bless you and your family/friends …..maybe a good analogy is feelings and perceptions are individual, I still don’t understand why Adam Sandler is considered funny, his movies are like nails on a chalkboard or watching someone kick a puppy time. But he is amazingly talented in other people’s opinions; accepting your feelings is what makes you you
It's also kind of beautiful how resilient humans can be
Yup. When dealing with everything related to their death your mind just wants to get these tasks done and over. I remember when the dust settled for me when my father passed away. I looked at our doorway and realized he would never again be coming through the door with that smile on his face, even when he had a bad day at work. Oh boy never cried so hard in my life. And it hurts to this day. Every. Single. Day.
Mom died of fentanyl OD. Life long addict. Prescriptions turned street. I knew from the day of notification. I felt...relief. Sadness but also relief. Then came the arrangements. As the oldest I became the director. Two weeks of adrenaline fueled stress. Event over. I cried in the medians. Pulled over on highways. For months. Then now its Narcan is over the counter. My second making a face. My oldest riding a bike. I still feel relieved for her. Like the scene in a A Scanner Darkly...i cleaned up her shooting gallery 6 inches from where my oldest used the restroom 10 months prior. The anger sadness and relief I felt at that moment was a terror matched only by handling the affairs preceding.
That happened to my mom's house. There was still stuff that needed to be put in storage, her estate to settle and finalize all of her affairs. Cleaning out her house was a nightmare. It hit me like a semi truck months later. My cousin warned me, I didn't see it coming. It just out of the blue hit hard.
I’m sorry about your loss. My main moment was once the house was clear and I realize most of my dad’s family never helped me during it and I felt alone. My dad was my main tie to his family and I barely talk to any of them since.
Something VERY similar happened to me when my dad died too. People can be real dirtbags.
Ditto. My Dad was my best friend and passed away suddenly. My wife was about 3 months pregnant at the time and we had a 2 YO. Some if his last words were about how excited he was to meet his new grandchild. I didn't show much at first and stayed "strong" for my sister's and Mom. But in the month after I didn't show much either. My damn broke at my daughter's birth. She came out looking just like him. I held her and really cried cried for the 1st time since the night he passed. To this day, sometimes, when I look at her or when I hold her a tear still escapes me.
I usually only cry when I talk about my dad having only had one visit cross country from us with my second child at the age of 1. I had my time with him (certainly taken for granted) but I hate that they missed getting to know each other. And now I'm crying.
No shame. My Dad had a hip injury and just got a replacement. He was excited to finally be able to be himself again and move without a cane. We were planning a fishing trip. You always think there's more time. Nobody ever actually expects Superman to die. I'm sorry for your loss friend. Sincerely.
Same to you. It's lovely she reminds you of your dad.
That’s very beautiful & I’m so sorry. I’m sure a little bit of him is with her. Who knows? Maybe their souls passed one another ❤️
This is why I always try and remember to make a note on my calendar to check on my friends one month after they have a significant death in their family. Because it usually hits AFTER everyone has stopped checking in every day or every other day to make sure you're ok.
this is the nicest thing you could possibly do, you must be an amazing friend. my dad died suddenly in october and i’m fortunate enough to have a friend who was the first in the door at the viewing but also made a point to check in on me way after all the chaos was over. it was like, yeah, i think i’m fine, but if nobody asked me i wouldn’t be fine. i will never forget that.
Happened when my bestie lost her dad a few years ago. she was so focused on making sure everything was taken care of that when she finally sat down, the flood gates opened and she let it all out.
It’s been 5 years 3 months for me. It hit me hard on day 1, then I was kinda over it for a couple years. It pretty much took over my entire life at year 3 years and I’m just now feeling like I’m out of the woods.
My friend lost their dog recently and they didn't act like they cared at all. Until out of the blue one day it hit them like a tube sock filled with quarters
I have a cousin who last year lost their favorite backpack. They used a different one for a few weeks until one day they opened their closet and it fell on them from the top shelf like a pillowcase with 30 hamsters inside.
This is why i love Reddit
My dad died on valentines day this year, and I'm the only one he has. It's been nothing but forcing myself to try and not feel. I wish I could grieve properly but I feel like I'm just going to completely fall apart. This year has been fuckin shit. I was working today and just almost started crying when just a random ass song came on, I just got so flooded with emotions and I just had to bottle it back up
Hey man, I’m sorry to hear about your loss. I’m in a similar boat but a little further out (my wife left me in December and my father passed away in January), and yeah it fucking sucks but I gotta tell you that just doing things the way I knew he’d want them to be done, or doing things to specifically honor him and acknowledge his impact on my life, it’s really gone a long way toward helping me process my grief over his passing. I don’t know if that will work for you or not but I figured I’d share my experience since it worked for me and, hey, we all need as much help as we can get when we’re going through stuff like that. Wish you well, stay safe!
Same boat too lol. Gf of 5 years, 2 kids left me new years, so it's been a struggle. Trying to make things work between but it's just alot of work trying to be a better human and partner and father while also trying to not fall apart mentally. And yes. Everyone is helpful. You went through a similar experience and I am sorry you had to go through it, but your dad would want you to help someone out with what helped you through your hard time. It's full circle, and I appreciate you
You sound like you’ve got a pretty good head on your shoulders, but those two events back to back and in that order? That’s going to put anyone through the wringer. Don’t be too hard on yourself right now, ask for help if you need it, no one will think less of you for it, it’s ok to just be broken for a little while right now. I appreciate you sir!
This conversation is so wholesome. It’s always great to see two strangers encouraging each other and helping out in any way they can (: So sorry to both of you for your losses, and I wish you both the best!
You guys are fucking heroes and that's an understatement.
The double hit makes it hard to function. Both breakups and death have a grieving process. I can’t imagine. So sorry for your loss and you too u/difficult-Opinion465.
Also I am sorry for your loss. Didn't mean to try to say my shit to discredit you. It's just been a day
There is no such thing as grieving properly. Try not to assign the way you grieve with judgement of any kind. You are meant to grieve the way you are meant to in any given moment. ❤️
Thank you for saying this. I'm a mortician & grief counselor & the number of times I've told people that grief isn't a one size fits all thing... While I can appreciate Kubler-Ross for giving people a framework for discussing & processing grief, there are days I'd cheerfully love to have a short sharp conversation with them in a back alley. Hell, I even got into a rather loud & long argument with one of my funeral directing professors about this during class. They were insisting that grief HAD to fall into the K-R model. The only concession they had was that it *may* not go 'in order'. I pointed out that EVERY human emotion is & can be a response to death, they insisted that no one would ever feel joy or happiness in response. I was looking them dead in the eye when I responded that when a certain relative of mine died I went to the bar that night & bought a round to celebrate & had the best night of sleep after I'd ever had to that point. They didn't like that. I worked the funeral of a 90+ yo man whose wife showed up during the last hour of a 6 hour memorial drunk off her ass. She staggered up to the casket, slapped him, spit on him, then told the entire crowd she was glad he was dead bc he'd abused her for over 65 years & they all stood by & did nothing, so they could all fuck off, & she'd be in the bar down the street getting plastered to celebrate. You bet your ass I went & bought her a drink once we closed for the night. And drove her home & got her into bed. I had a boss that was incredibly nasty & misogynistic, hated that I was taller than him, that I was a female embalmer, that I was a goth, etc. Used me as his personal chew toy for years. I found out a few years ago that he died of a particularly fast moving & awful cancer. My first reaction to hearing about his death was 'Good. He deserved it.' Then I felt guilty about feeling that way, but my feelings about him stayed the same. My Dad died 22 years ago & I still miss him intensely, still cry about not being able to call him or send him things or chat about music or grill steaks & drink butterscotch schnapps while arguing about Star Trek vs Star Wars. It hits me like a truck at random moments & probably will for the rest of my life. Every response is a valid one. It's so personal to you & the nature of your relationship with them. Sometimes there's sadness & anger & denial & bargaining, yes, but also... Sometimes there's joy. Relief. Annoyance. Bitterness. Emotions that are not for the death but for the things that death will or won't affect. Sometimes the processing takes a few days, sometimes years. Some deaths don't affect you right away but will hit you months or years down the line. Some deaths affect you greatly for a short time period than just become part of your new normal & don't really affect you at all after that. There is no 'proper' response. There is no 'proper' timeline. The only caveat I ever add is that if your emotions about the death are interfering with your daily life to an abnormal point for you, then you should get therapy to help you process whatever it is your feeling so you can get back to living. But that determination is one that only the person who is feeling those things can make.
I was you a year ago. Got the news of my dad's passing on Valentines day 2022. He had passed the night before and I had been looking for him as he was homeless. It didn't feel real for weeks. It's been a year now and the anniversary didn't hit as hard as I expected. I cried on and off for weeks though. Let yourself fall apart over it in little moments. The tears still come when I hear certain songs but I try to focus on my good memories with him. We didn't have a great relationship due to his addiction but it was still the worst day of my life to get that news. My heart goes out to you through this time. Take extra care of yourself right now. Grief comes and goes as you continue your daily routines, but you learn to live with it.
My dad passed a few months after getting housing of an overdose. It's so difficult, and I'm so sorry. It's always difficult when I see someone in the same boat. Much love.
I'm sorry for your loss. When you get home, listen to that sad song and let your emotions go, bottling up pain causes pain to come out somewhere else in our bodies. Take care of yourself.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve been there too. Both of my parents died within 6 months of each other during quarantine (neither had covid). I tried to continue life as normal but within 3 months of mom’s death I ended up in the hospital from a panic attack and had to leave my job. My dad died right after I started a new job and I ended up having to leave that one shortly after as well. Allow yourself to grieve. If you try to bottle it or avoid it, it will only get worse once you finally can’t contain it anymore.
my mum also died on valentine's day, I was 15, it took a while to be able to listen to the foo fighters again, it won't ever not be crappy to lose your parent but eventually it won't be crappy all the time
I just want to add this since so many people are mentioning grief at recent losses.Sometimes when a Family member dies you do not grieve because they never allowed you to have a relationship with them. And others may come up to you and console you and you have to thank them when you really do not need consoling.To those few people in this situation I am saying to not feel guilty
I’m so sorry - my dad died on Valentines Day last year and I had so much crap to do that I couldn’t cry. Then my FIL died in September- same thing. A little teary eyed, but couldn’t cry. Three months later, I’m listening to the radio and just start bawling in my car to the point tha I have to pull over. Shock is a thing and it can last for a long time.
My sister lost her husband in a car accident when she was 32. She found a local grief group because it's ok to talk about how you feel or cry or rage or whatever it takes to help you move through the process. She stopped attending when she felt she'd been able to work through her grief. There's no timeline for it, though. No magic pill, and no deadline. We still grieve her husband, but not as much as we did then. See if you can find a group in your area. If nothing else, it's an hour of your day where you can talk to people who are going through the same thing you are and work through your feelings. You HAVE to take care of yourself. You matter.
My grandma passed on valentines(in 2020)too…I hate that day so much. I’m sorry for your loss
My mum died in early February this year, the day after my birthday, and we had her funeral on Valentine’s Day. I was so focussed on helping her in hospital, then helping my family get through her death and planning the funeral, then the aftermath of the funeral for everyone else that I still haven’t sat down and had a big proper cry. Every now and then I have a little cry to my husband, but I know the big episode is still coming at some point. If you want to talk, my dms are always open. This year has been so, so shit.
Same for my husband with his uncle. His uncle was more of a father to him than his father. His uncle passed away in a terrible drowning accident, and my husband seemed sad, but mostly unaffected. Until a year later when his cat died the same way...then he crashed hard. His uncle was the only thing he could think/talk about and he was terribly depressed. He ended up quitting his job during the crisis, and could hardly function for months. Sometimes grieving is a delayed response. Almost like it takes time to truly realize that you won't ever be with them again
I don’t wanna take away from your story or OP’s so I’ll be brief. I had a similar experience. My grandmother died from a fall accident, one of my best friends died from an OD, and then I had to put my childhood dog down all within a few months. The grief from the first two didn’t really hit until I put my dog down, and then I had to spend a year in grief focused therapy to be really functional again. I tried burying in it work, but I realized the issue when I started having breakdowns while on the job.
When my soul dog died it brought up a ton of grief over my dad’s death a few years earlier. Like the gate to those deeper emotions had opened
Yea, my husband lost his dad two years ago. In the beginning he was living in a daze, there were so many things to be handled, he didn't have time to really grieve. Then he had to go away for work (his bos offered him to stay at home, but my husband preferred to be distracted) at some point his boss put on music and one song (pappa/Stef Bos - the artist sings about his dad and finding out how much they are alike now he's no longer there) really hit my husband in the feels, that's the point he had to walk away and call me and cry a bit. His boss was very apologetic, he forgot he put that particular song in his Playlist
Yeah, after my dad died, I remember one time I heard the Ugly Kid Joe version of "Cat's Cradle" out in public. That was... not my best moment.
I sing cats in the cradle to my kids at bedtime. Mainly to remind myself where to invest my time and energy. But I do feel a little guilty knowing that song will wreck them after I'm gone. (Assuming I don't nuke our relationships). My best friend killed himself a few years ago and his last message to a few of us was "I believe" by Stevie Wonder. I just have to think about the refrain and I lose it.
I am sorry for your loss. Same thing with me. My mom passed in Jan. First few days my face and body hurt from crying so much. Then it was nothing for the next month. Now i feel like grief slaps me whenever. It is so weird.
Im sorry to hear that. Grief is a bitch, for lack of a better word. We knew we were going to lose him, and Im the type that naturally locks down his emotions. So will he went downhill, I ended up steeling myself for it, so when it hit, it hit. Like you still does at times, for no rhyme or reason.
Me too. It took me months to actually accept it. I was very stoic until it hit me, then I had a panic attack so bad I swear I thought it was either a heart attack or anaphylactic shock. I ended up in the hospital with a $5000 copay and a prescription for a sedative I never filled.
Same here. I watched him did. Did cpr on him. Had him die in my arms and it took 4 months at his funeral before it hit me
👆👆👆
Grief is weird. You never know what’s going to happen or how you are going to feel. Crying isn’t the only way to mourn a loss. There’s no wrong way to grieve and everyone does it differently
Also, it's true it has "stages" but they're never in the order everyone assumes. OP could be in an "acceptance" stage now and then suddenly get hit with a huge wave of grief. Honestly, I wish OP could stay feeling like this. But I'm guessing the grief is going to hit him eventually.
And you can go back and forth, too. With each loss, the timeline and order have been utterly different for me. Unexpected deaths bring more shock and can delay the heck out of other stages. Long slides can mean you grieved well before their death. Suicides can have a lot of bouncing between guilt and anger, can't help but wonder if you could have helped more even if you know better intellectually. Same with drug and alcohol deaths. With my mom's accidental death it took 6 months to begin grieving at all, I was so swamped with things to do and just plowed through until I went on vacation and could relax and feel anything. Plus, I had a comically bad therapist who I believe now knew jack shit about grief, but my dad and I were clueless then. Today, I'd have tried different ones until I found a good fit, but you live, you learn. Nothing neat and tidy about grief and you never know until you get there.
Hey OP. Grief takes on many forms, some of which bewilder us even as they take their natural course. Have you sought out therapy?
You’re in shock. Please get therapy.
This, OP. Your mind and body are numbing themselves to pain and grief so that you can function. It’s a survival instinct and completely normal. But it can turn into something unhealthy long term if you don’t work through it in therapy. Trauma like this can put you in long term survival-only mode which leads to major depression. You owe it to yourself and your son to start working through this with a professional.
yes please seek therapy to process. My brother in law lost his wife when their child was 3 (suicide, sadly) and he never got help for himself or the son. It has now been 25 years since then and I could write a book on how severe depression and PTSD have impacted all areas of both of their lives. Don't feel guilty for the way you are feeling - there is no right or wrong feelings but I cannot recommend therapy enough.
My dad died when I was a kid and I never processed it properly, life just went on. And that shit hit me really hard mid thirties. It took a really long time to catch up, but it did. And it was bad.
Yes, this. My husband’s mother died when he was in high school. He said for most of the first year he was in shock. He never went to therapy or grief counseling. And I’m pretty sure his mental state would be a lot better today, almost 20 years on, if he has gone. It still affects him greatly. Please seek therapy.
This ^^^^^ This is vital.
THIS!!!
100x this
My therapist and I discussed this exact thing. I've not lost a spouse, so my situation isn't the same. But I can confirm that therapy can help with understanding how you grieve.
So sorry for your loss. Everybody grieves differently. It will hit you. Maybe when you least expect it. Hang in there.
I agree, some have called me emotionless due to not expressing at the time. But one day, anywhere from a year to a decade later I snap and can't control the emotional release when that portion of grey matter clicks. All I can do is remember the good times, miss them and cry. Edit: I am truly pleased to find out I am not a one-off freak with how I deal with loss and the Inability to grieve right away. Thank you all who have typed out your personal feelings so I don't feel alone in my ways.
Yep, I unfortunately lost a baby and I felt fine for almost a year and then one day just snapped and was not okay for a long time. I thought I was crazy for not feeling anything until it happened.
Our brains protect our hearts until we're more ready to accept the pain.
A dear friend of mine passed last year and I still have to remind myself that he's gone. Although I still text him from time to time to give him shit for literally ghosting me. Kevin, you asshole.
Best friend killed himself in 2011, I still yell - Fuck You Dan!! every once in a while.
I still get mad and yell at Adam, a former apprentice, friend and colleague of mine. Then usually the next time I hear the song that was playing when I got the call, I go over the deep end for at least 5 minutes. It's been 20 years since I last saw and talked to him, the day before he took the big sleep.
Same. Felt like a robot when I lost my mom, didn't even cry, or show much emotions at the funeral, all I was thinking through it was that I wanted it to be something she would have approved. It hit me later, I don't really remember exactly when, this period is a bit of a blur. I would remember something and just randomly burst crying, typically at home when I was starting to relax and not keeping myself constantly busy with something, so I don't have time to think.
Yeah, this is basically how it’s been going since I lost my mother in November. I worry it’s going to hit really hard at one point… so now that’s becoming an added anxiety. Oy.
I lost my mom just over 7 years ago. I cried a little here and there but never really did the “TV sobbing breakdown” thing. About a year later my uncle (her brother) passed away. When I was getting ready to leave the funeral, I felt it coming. I had to get out of there- got in my car and let it rip. Everything came pouring out and it was so cathartic…
Having someone around to talk to, or rather mostly listen to me talking, helped a lot. It would have probably been better to get therapy but it's not popular where I am from, and it's almost entirely private, so I skipped. If you have access to therapy, don't be like me and at least try it. Better to get help than struggle on your own, or make your close ones involuntary therapists. Not saying it's the most healthy coping method but I really persisted with keeping busy to stay sane. When I didn't have anything else, I read as it kept me engaged and not thinking.
Oh, I already had/have a good therapist! He’s expensive and out of pocket, since I wanted “alternative” therapies (which my insurance network doesn’t cover); but he has been of some help so far. Still a long way to go, however, and I don’t feel like I have anyone else to talk to. I have my siblings and friends, but they’re dealing with their own stuff too. We also didn’t have a funeral, at our mother’s request. But we are having a celebration of life next month, with a lot of family and friends coming from all over. So I hope that provides some closure for us.
I hope it doesn't come up as creepy but I won't mind if you drop me a message when you want to talk to someone and noone else is available. It was weird with my mom, the funeral was some closure, but it was so soon after she passed that it wasn't really. My mom passed from cancer caught too late, and while we knew it was coming it was faster than the prognosis. Just 2 months after we first realised something was very wrong. On one hand, I was glad she wasn't suffering anymore, on the other I felt why her, and a lot of what ifs if we did things differently. In your case some time has already passed, so I hope you have a beautiful celebration with your close ones, and it gives you the closure you need. I think it's better than a traditional funeral, you can share fond memories of your mom, not concentrating just on her death. With my mom - she was very religious, so I organised a church funeral, as I felt this is what she would have wanted. It's a somber atmosphere but it was sort of soothing to do something she would have approved.
You are normal. But if it will help find a counselor who specializes in grieving. They can offer some insight into what you’re feeling.
My local hospice offers grief counselling - with the first few sessions free. Hopefully OP has something like that near them
They get off? What do you mean?
I think they meant “they can offer some insight”
Ok, well... ok.. that makes more sense. Yikes.
That happened to me during my dad's death ,I was fine and I was strong I didn't feel much of anything because I had responsiblities but afterwards when the dust settles down ,the emotions just built up till I broke ,it wasn't pretty but grief never is.
This happens to me all the time
This. Just take things day by day. Condolences on your loss.
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The stages of grief, he’s in that one stage where it doesn’t connect. But it sounds like he has a solid sister, which is good.
It always hits after something unrelated and minor happens, and then you just break down and lose it. OP, I’m very sorry for your loss.
This. Your gonna be doing something simple like going to the movies or find something you wanna share and suddenly it'll smack you in the face. I found my dad when he hung himself and I was the only one not to cry then, at the funeral, or anything til a daily task triggered it and I had a meltdown omw home from work. Ever since that seal broke I've found that it happens a lot more.
I agree. I’ve lost multiple loved ones so I’ve learned that grief is complicated. Usually the grief was immediate. But I’ve also lost someone and it took two months before I felt anything other than guilt for doing so well. Then came anger. Then tears. However and whenever it shows up for you just remember to give yourself grace. I am sorry for your loss.
Sounds like you’re still in the denial phase of grief my friend. Your sisters presence is probably prolonging that. It’s okay man. Take your time.
Might be in survival mode. Just making sure kiddo is doing okay mentally and physically. Then as you said, grief will come.
Maybe it won't and that's also fine
There’s no way to grieve properly but get yourself a therapist lined up and ready to go. Some people (and I’m one of them) are fantastic in crisis situations and your young wife dying suddenly Ky is one of them. For people like me (and likely you) we go numb until our subconscious decides it’s “safe” to process this. Which it’s not a good judge of as I completely lost my shit driving in an intersection 5 months after a family death (I forget what special it’s in but Christopher Titus talked in one of his comedy shows about being completely fine with his Mom’s death until he was on a plane and lost his shit which is the Wrong Place to completely lose your fucking mind). You have a 5 year old. Your brain isn’t going to let you fall apart when he needs you but I highly HIGHLY suggest the both of you get into therapy, join some grief support groups and you get your shit lined up for when it does hit you because in my experience it’s a doozy when it goes pop. There’s no “right” way to grieve.
>For people like me (and likely you) we go numb until our subconscious decides it’s “safe” to process this. This is an *extremely* common trauma response. I’m a very emotional person and wear my heart & mind on my sleeve…then I was the victim of a stranger attack on my own porch. Of course in the immediate aftermath I was emotional and crying a ton…then it just stopped. My brain entered survival mode and I went to work finding a new apartment, dealing with police/legal stuff, moving, unpacking, paying medical bills…and once I finally felt settled in my new space, the PTSD hit me harder than my attacker did lol it was actually the night that I paid my last medical bill. I thought that would help me close that chapter of my life and move on but it did the complete opposite lol. Thank goodness I was already in therapy to cope with a recent ADHD diagnosis and my therapist happens to specialize in trauma therapies. I’m doing so well now thanks to her (and myself, for doing the work!)
From a European perspective it blows my mind, that you had to PAY for getting physically better after attack somebody else did intentionally to you?! I'm so sorry about what happened to you.
Thanks. I was actually hesitant to go to the hospital when the police called an ambulance, but the EMT said “you were assaulted. You’re not gonna be the one paying the bill, they are.” Unfortunately the police were never able to arrest them because it happened so quickly that I wasn’t able to identify anyone in a photo line up. So I never got any justice or restitution, but now that I think about it…the state may have a victim compensation fund. I gotta look into that
I was gonna say, the state may pay for it. It's not your fault that you were attacked, and it's not your fault that they couldn't arrest him. Now, I'm Canadian, so I don't know all the rules down there, but it seems way too logical that you should NOT have to pay for it. Sorry you are going through all this... Thingsll look up, I'm sure!
A) You are still numb and in shock. It will probably wear off between six and nine months (at least that is what I have observed in real life). B) DO NOT DATE OR START A NEW RELATIONSHIP FOR AT LEAST A YEAR. You will be tempted to replace grief with “new relationship energy” but it delays the healing process and messes up everyone around you. C) I am sorry for your loss.
Exactly! Rebounding off a separation is way different than rebounding the death of your life partner, it’s a different energy entirely. Please give yourself some time
Excellent point. I really hope OP saw this. My brother lost his wife in a car accident. He remarried quickly. Turned out the new woman was a serial divorcee, you know, marrying multiple times just long enough to legally get child support from multiple men. Her own family tried to talk him out of marrying her, but he couldn't see things clearly. There's a special pit in hell reserved for her.
It’s a survival mechanism, to just go numb. It’s going to hit you at some random point and it’ll hit hard.
NTA. You’re still in survival mode…what you’re feeling isn’t abnormal. I recommend seeing a therapist so you can process your grief. Your son may need it too.
You may just be on autopilot, or survival mode. grief is insanely weird. Give yourself time and grace and honestly stop relying on your sister. You need to figure out your new normal.
It's been less than a month since his very young wife unexpectedly died and left him both a widow and a single parent. Long term yes he'll need to adjust again but I don't think relying on his sister's help is something that needs to end right now. He's had a single month. My grandpa died at the very respectable age of 88 of something we've known was a long time coming and it STILL messed me up for a solid month, I can only imagine how long it'll take for OP to recover.
He is lucky he has support in this time of grief, for both him and his son. It's only been one month.
I think it's more that he shouldn't look at her as a replacement. It should more be that he should stop pushing himself to upkeep everything and take advantage of the time she's there to process what's happened, remember his wife. And not force a cry session. Just relax, and remember, and let himself feel what he feels, *as* he feels it. She's the safety net when the grief finally hits, not the replacement parent partner. And looking at her like that might be preventing him from processing the loss of his wife.
Yeah he doesn’t need to be pushing his sister out of the house yet. Her help and just being another adult there has got to be a blessing for his son
NTAH You'll grieve in time. Everyone is different.
You sound numb and overwhelmed rather than indifferent. You’ve experienced a huge loss, and the amount that you cry in the first few months—or ever—is not the measure of how much you loved your wife. You will likely feel her absence acutely in the future at moments and in ways you cannot anticipate now. Given that you’re judging yourself and fretting over grieving the “right” way, it might be a good idea to talk to a therapist and/or join a support group. I’m so sorry for your sudden, devastating loss.
I would be a little concerned over the detachment. And did you always call your son 'the kid'? Or are you detaching from him, too? Be very careful of your attachment to your sister. In a vulnerable state, it would be easy to emotionally substitute her for your wife and the mother of your kid.
You’re the first person after scrolling who even mentioned the sister. This situation could get really complicated really fast. He needs therapy asap.
I thought of that, I definitely don’t want to be THAT person, but due to his wording “the kid”, “happy with the life I’m living now”, “indifferent”, “disrespecting her memory by moving on too quickly”. I mean he didn’t mention going on dates or anything. Idk. Grief is different for everyone. I just sincerely hope everyone gets the right therapy in this tragic story.
i agree. i was thrown off by the substitute for his wife's presence with his sister :/
You're grieving. Possibly in shock still.
YUP. I didn’t even realize I did this. Happened to me at my grandpas funeral. I Didn’t cry when I saw his body. I didn’t cry the day of his burial. It hit hard months later on my birthday.
Grief is a motherfucker. It has no rules. Everyone grieves differently. Be kind to yourself and please seek out support.
Best answer on here.
I didn't grieve my aunt properly for about a year. Same with my Grandmothers in law. I felt sad, I cried a little, and then I just didn't feel anything except kind of sad? But about a year later each time I had weeks where I was just crying every day thinking of them and missing them. Grief is different for everyone and there is no set timeline on when you will feel your feelings. However you feel is how you feel. You may feel different later, that's okay. Even now if I think of them too much I'll cry. But after it happened, like I said, for a while I could not. I'm sorry for your loss.
"Am I disrespecting her memory by moving on too quickly?" But have you moved on? You've just replaced her in your routine with your sister. And you haven't felt her absence yet because you haven't been alone. Your sister is there in her place in everything except the bedroom. This is my totally unqualified opinion. But seems sort of logical. And the fact that you feel like you'll lose it if your sister leaves, seems to say you haven't moved on - you've just bookmarked the grief, set it aside sort of. Either way, based on your own feelings (unhealthy attachment) about it and your sister's leaving it open ended - like she might be happy staying with you "forever" doesn't sound healthy for either of you. I don't think it's bad for a sibling to move in and help at times like this. But those usually start out with the idea that it's for a limited time, not indefinitely and like "this is life now."
This is strange. I’d seek out a counselor.
If you happen to be in NJ Message me. I can put you in touch with an amazing grief counselor. (It’s not me BTW) There is not right or wrong way to process this.
Your sister will leave she has her own life you need to stop counting on her so much before it gets worse
Even OP says the relationship with his sister is unhealthy which is worrisome to me.
I scrolled way too far to find this comment. He needs to seek therapy and rely on his sister less
My husband died last year. I couldn't allow myself to grieve how I felt about it because it was such a fresh wound and there was so much to do to put things together to take care of me and my family. It will hit you at weird times. A song, smell or sight can trigger it. Don't feel bad because this is where you are now. I am still mostly numb from losing my best friend since I was 15. Best advice is to just ride the wave and ask for help (or even just a hug) if you need it. And take care of your kid's feelings even if you push yours aside for the moment. Your sister will fill in, but recognize that she has her own life too.
Grief can come out in different ways too. When my mom died I hated myself for not crying. I wanted to cry. I cared that she died, but it just came out in different ways. Picking up the phone to call and tell her something and remembering she wasn’t there anymore. Talking to someone about her in the present tense and only realizing later that she doesn’t have a present tense anymore. About 6-8 months later? Like somebody said, ton of bricks. Right now you are surrounded with people who care about you and your sister is helping fill that void. You’re keeping what sounds to be very busy, which is a good distraction from grief, depression, pretty much any negative feeling. When things slow down and you find yourself looking at a life that is primarily just you and your motherless son, it will hit you and it will hit you hard. Try to remember at that time the people who were there for you now, because those are the ones you know you can turn to then. I’m so sorry for your and your son’s loss.
If you're already noticing that you're using your sister as your wife replacement, then maybe you should stop before something inappropriate happens. I'm sorry for your loss.
This guy is gonna give us an update about sleeping with his sister. I just know if
Yeah, dude, you're in shock. I'm sorry. Be prepared for that grief to creep up on you. I'm glad you have a support system.
You may well still be in shock. The grieving process is not done with you, I am afraid. When my wife died, first month flew by and I thought I was doing great. Second month-kapow! Hugs to you.
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Can’t grieve someone he never loved. When his sister moves out he’ll start grieving the loss of unpaid labour that she and his wife provided. Then suddenly he’ll find "love" again and post to r/widowers — "is it too soon to introduce my son to his stepmommy if my wife just died tomorrow ?“
^ this 100%
Yeah this was depressing as fuck. If I die before my husband and he feels this way, there better not be an afterlife because knowing this would kill me all over again.
This was my first suspicion, but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and hope he’s just undergoing shock/delayed grief. No offense to OP, but I’m going by how he worded his post. It sounds like his glorified servant/nanny died, but he’s doing okay since he had another “female” to step in. Which won’t be forever, since his sister has her own life. I doubt he’ll wait a year before dating again.
This! His sister takes over the household and he is happy about it. It sounds like he never loved his wife.
Exactly, the child and the wife parents and siblings are the ones who lost an irreplaceable part of them, bet you they’re grieving 🤷♀️
I hope the grief is just delayed due to shock or sth because …
This reads like your bangmaid moved away. Send your sister away, and see if you fall apart. You’d atleast know if you loved your wife or the convenience of having her.
Everyone moves at different speeds with grief, but 1 month..... You might internally be in the denial phase. 1 month for a spouses death, your son's mother, is way too soon. > I am actually enjoying where I’m at now, and the life I have Something is extremely abnormal here. Honest question - why do you think that you don't feel sad about your wife's death?
Like with a large majority of men, women are present in their life to fulfil a need…societal acceptance, sex, children, housekeeping etc. But once they are ill or even I guess, when they die, it’s no fcks given. Or the fcks given, is centred again back on the man’s needs, and the question of how he is going manage or do now? Not judging. It’s just a reality.
I'm surprised that I had to scroll down so far to see this answer. I don't get the vibe that he's in shock at all...once his wife's duties were replaced, life went on as normal for him and he was okay.
^ what every woman deep down fears is the truth but never says it
There’s ways of weeding out men like this. If you are sick for example, and they don’t offer you drinks or help around the house…they just wait for you to get better….
Can you imagine you die tragically young and this is the reaction of your husband… I’d die a second time
Don't tell anyone what you've told us. And don't bone your sister.
And go to therapy. And DON’T BONE YOUR SISTER.
wtf is a heart stroke
Still sorry for your loss man. Did she have any preexisting condition before. I mean are you not sad bc your totally overwhelmed with everything maybe even a little mad she left you with this. Just trying to figure it out. Bc I don't think a full day goes by that I don't think of my dad my cousin and my dogs. Man I miss those dogs
I’m so sorry for your loss, and I mean this very respectfully- What you seem to have done is, emotionally, replace your wife with your sister. The fact that you sound panicky at the thought of your sister leaving tells me that you have transferred your feelings of loss. I’m not saying any of that in judgement or criticism! But you should definitely see a grief therapist about it, for your own sake. You need to process your grief so that it doesn’t ruin your future, or your relationship with your sister.
When my grandma died, I cried when I found out. I didn’t cry at the funeral. I didn’t cry again about her death until 2022 when I realized I had forgotten the anniversary of her death. She passed in 2016. I cried again about it when I saw a tik tok with a girl who visited her grandpa and he still did all the things for her that he did when she slept over as a little girl. It was like 3am and I cried because I don’t have any grandparents anymore. I cried because I was 14 when she died and I was jealous that all my cousins and my older brother got more time with her since they were all 21-30 when she passed. We were besties. I miss her everyday and I’m gonna graduate college soon and she’s gonna miss it and she missed my high school graduation and I’m crying right now as I type this. When your child is hitting major milestones, you’ll be sad that she’s missing it. You’ll be sad when he gets married and she’s not there to see it. Don’t rush your grief.
Both you and the kid need to be in grief counseling.
How old is your sister? Don’t let this prevent her from growing and having a family of her own. And at least pretend to grieve for your child - play videos save them keep mementos
If your sister is going to stay on permanently to help out with everything, it may be years down the road before you feel the emptiness that goes where your wife was. You've been busy, it's only been a month, and unfortunately, life goes on. It may not have fully hit you yet, and it will once you've distanced yourself from the tragedy. Also, your sister is filling a part of that hole in your life right now, but there are roles your wife had that your sister can't fill. Once those needs start to feel neglected, it will hit you. You may not cry, and things may feel like they are in a good place at the moment, but the wound is still fresh, and you're probably still in shock. Don't feel guilty for not being more sad right now because you are coping with an extremely hard and new change in your life.
You haven't moved on, you replaced her immediately with your sister. Once she's gone your brain is gonna realize everything as it comes out of shock and then you'll feel very silly for posting this. Unless your wife sucked, in which case idk man
It’s going to hit you like a ton of bricks. Use this time that you are in shock to find a therapist and make any arrangements that are needed for your child(babysitter, ect…).
Try some grief therapy. You are on autopilot right now because you have a child to take care of. Grief is in waves, if you ignore it, it will hit you later. ((HUGS)) Sorry for your loss.
Only 28? Im so sorry man.
So I wanted to go nta, but I just can't sorry. Your wife died, but since you're sister has moved in and assumed her role in all non coital aspects, your mindset is "no harm no foul"? That's pretty harsh. Honestly not surprising in this day and age, but still sad to see
NTA You seem to be in the numb stage. Not happy, not sad, not really anything. Unfortunately the pain is still there hidden. Try therapy so it doesn't manifest itself in an unhealthy way affecting your son. Grief therapy will also help you help your son navigate his feelings when he realizes his mom isn't coming back.
no it's a process. It's something that will come and go and hit you at the worst possible times. You may never cry much but you will go up and down.
Grief is a weird beast. Grief changes your emotional landscape seemingly at random. In one moment you can go from strong and mentally solid to emotionally insecure and vulnerable. When my longtime partner died, I was beyond sad. I was mentally and emotionally devastated - and physically, I was a walking zombie shell of myself. But I also remember weirdly, holding it together for his parents and my parents, and all of our friends. Packing up his stuff in boxes and still trying to *”hold it together for his Mom.”* I kept waiting for some dramatic moment, where I would walk into a field, and just collapse and cry for hours… But it didn’t happen like that. Instead, I found myself later that summer walking the dog and just suddenly sobbing. In another moment, a month later, our group of friends went on an overnight backpacking/camping trip with a 5 mile hike into the mountains. I will never forget when one of his good guy friends about 2 miles into the hike just looked up at the sky and said, “I fucking miss you.” He had tears just steaming down his cheeks and I didn’t notice till he said that. We all missed him so fiercely but in very different and difficult ways. Grief makes no sense. It is well camouflaged at all times. Be kind to yourself. When it comes to you personally dealing with the death of your wife - do not let anybody else’s opinions, perspective, or expectations have any relevance in your life. Wishing you all the best as you navigate this next phase of your life. Take your time. Your deserve that.
Grief is just like that. My grandmother, who was my best friend and the person I loved most in the whole entire world died two months ago. At first, I was relieved as she was suffering so much and I wouldn't be so anxious about her dying (?) anymore, along with other issues. I didn't feel like it was real so I looked and still look completely normal. I went partying even. However, I'm destroyed to my core. Every day I see her in everything I do, eat and hear. Her death is the air I breathe but you would never notice. It's just weird.
Grief takes time and it’s not linear. It’s like the longest and worst rollercoaster ride ever. Please seek professional help for you and your son. This is going to be a long journey and it’s literally making me tear up to write it, but I don’t know that you have even gotten to the worst of it yet.
You are in shock mate Don't rush it because believe me it will come And it's not fun
Don’t bang your sister
Troll bullshit comment
It sounds like your sister acting as a placeholder for your wife may be prolonging the impact because you’re not feeling the loss. Although there’s no proper way to grieve. I’ve felt this way for family members who were very narcissistic like. Their death was a relief for me as I no longer had to deal with the dread of feeding into their ego, or the pressure of having to call them on special occasions just to hear them ramble about things Im not genuinely interested in. It felt like an extreme waste of my time.
Don’t you think it’s kind of messed up he’s only not “feeling the loss” because another woman is there doing the “womanly duties”? Shouldn’t he miss his wife for who she was as a person and how much he loved her and not for chores getting done and kids getting taken care of?
I wish people would go to therapy
Grief group saved my life and my mind. Hospice groups have them. Just a bunch of people trying to keep it together.
Please do not treat your sister like a wife/mother replacement. That is very unfair to her as women are more than mothers and housekeepers and it's 2024. It's good to have a good healthy bond with your sister and appreciate her help but maybe you'll start looking for a new wife soon to help you, which is a common thing to do if you do not want to do housework yourself.
You just didn't love her and only wrong thing was ever marrying her. (she could have lived a happier life)
Imagine and there's widows who never remarry and choose celibacy and loyalty to a dead husband for many decades until their own death..and men get over us within a month tops lol
NTA - of course. There is no one way to handle loss and it's just been a month. Get some professional counseling for you and your son though. Make sure he gets help to process a loss he probably can't even fathom at his age. I'm sorry this happened to you, your son and your wife.
What the hell is a heart stroke???
NTA but definitely get a therapist. Grief hits us in weird ways, and you need help processing it. Your sister stepping into the role of your wife is allowing you to dissociate from the loss completely - my husband says that’s not ok but I think for the sake of your kid, some stability in a female figure is likely to help. I just cannot stress enough how much you need therapy. EMDR has helped me a lot.
Nta. It just takes time and everyone grieves differently. Not crying or being as upset as you think you should doesn't mean you don't love and miss her. I'm very sorry for your loss
Griefs different for everyone. My cousin died and the first day I didn’t cry. I know it’s sad and I can feel bad about it but it doesn’t affect me but then the other day I saw someone who looked like him and I sobbed controllably for what felt like forever. I can’t tell you how much the world swallowed me up that day
I think it's natural. grief makes no sense. I would eventually look into therapy of some kind.
It can take time for grief to rear its head. Think about how in the movies when an explosion goes off there is this loud flat tone. The sounds of explosions are muffled and then all of the sudden everything crashes back into full volume. You might be in that phase. Also, a month isn't that long, plus it's still winter (or summer depending on your hemisphere). Your wife could be on a work trip that they had to extend a couple extra weeks because of client changes. Or you two keep missing each other as she takes your son to school and you head off to work. The depth of her gone-ness may not have fully sunk in yet. Or you just process grief very quickly. Grief is rarely tidy. I'm sorry for your loss though. However, you feel about it, it still sucks.
Take your time! Grief takes time… I think you haven’t start grieving yet to be honest! Sounds that you have been so busy you haven’t been able to deal with it
OP, re-read this post. It's VERY sad. Taking timeout to cry is great. But your body knows it can't take long to do that. You have things to do, kids to look after. Have you laughed lately? Been able to smile genuinely? Sadness doesn't have to mean tears, it could be the lacking of other things.
When I was young I tripped in my art class, I put my hand out to catch myself - right on an 800 degree kiln. I remember dusting my hand off and being surprised it didn't hurt more. Until about 30 minutes later, I was sitting in my next class screaming my head off because the pain was unbelievable. The ER dr explained to me that when we have an injury that is too painful for us to handle - our body will turn off the pain sensors until we can handle it. (I'm sure there's a better more scientific explanation but that's how my 6th grade brain remembered it) Our emotions can do the same. Losing your 28 year old wife has to be a huge shock. And now you're the sole caretaker for your 5 year old. You're not "getting over it" you're numb. You're coping the best that you can right now. You're focusing on surviving and caring for your child. That's normal. Grief is never that simple or that quick. Nor is it linear. Definitely reach out to a grief counselor. This isn't just about you, but you processing your grief in a healthy way for your child. So you can model healthy grief for him. I'm so sorry for your loss.
This May it will be six years since my little brother (27 at the time) killed himself and my son was born 3 weeks later. It took almost 2 years before it hit me because I buried myself with work, partying, and meaningless sex. I knew I needed to get help, but that other half of my brain said: nope, survival mode. Once I made the choice to actively seek help, it was like being crushed to death and then being revived. If I have any advice it’s this: don’t let anyone tell you how to fucking grieve. Take your time and feel it all, because you’re going to have to face it sooner or later. Distance yourself from anyone who tells you to get over it, or how to feel, or how they would feel. These are emotional tourists and will drain you. Be kind to yourself, and put the kid first. They only get one childhood
I saw a short documentary about a guy who lost his mom and felt kinda like you do about it. Turns out he has aphantasia … so he doesn’t have pictures in his mind reminding him of her. Just throwing that out there
My grief comes in unexpected waves of different sizes in irregular intervals.
Everybody grieves differently. Your mind simply accepted her death and decided to move on rather than dwell on it. However, that being said, don’t be surprised if you hear a song on the radio months or even years from now and break down crying. My brother (and best friend) died 15 years ago and at random, it’ll hit me and I’ll spend 10 minutes weeping uncontrollably. I, too, felt indifferent after a month. Granted, that was my brother and not a spouse, but even so.
It’s going to hit at the weirdest times. You could be at the store and see a drink she likes and just lose it. Right now it’s the weird numb part. I wouldn’t tell yourself you don’t feel sad about it. Your son is going to have so many moments where your heart will break a million times because she should be there. Just please. Keep her memory alive for your little guy. Keep her in your daily conversations and don’t hide her pics. ESPECIALLY if you meet someone new. Your wife is not a threat to a new person. She will always be your child’s mom. If you keep talking about her, it will be normalized for your son. If you don’t, he’s going to resent the ever living shit out of you and grieve over and over.
My sister died last year and the first time I cried was at her funeral and I cried for hours. It was almost 2 months after she passed away that the funeral actually happened. And then I didn't cry after that for a long time and then one day I was sitting in the office at work. I was just goofing off for a little bit and it just kind of hit me that I wouldn't be able to text her or anything and I cried again. Since then it's been sporadic and random, but I never really feel sad any moments other than when I'm literally crying about it. Grief is weird it'll sneak up on you at random moments
You're still in shock, it will hit you like a freight train soon enough.
Might be in shock and finding a way to cope. Some people laugh when they lose someone. Everyone is different
There are no grieving rules. There’s no grief police handing out tickets for failure to cry. It takes a long time to get your head back to normal. Meanwhile, do your best for your son.