It took me over a year to come to terms with it. I was relieved to finally have an answer as to why I didnt "feel normal" but I also felt ashamed, depressed and disappointed. Some small part of me was hoping Id be "fixable".
That was my mindset two years ago at 16, now I am much more accepting and gentle with myself, and Ive made myself proud. But it was very hard at the time
I knew I was different from others, I didn't know why. I thought I had a bunch of other mental illnesses (not the ones I actually have) I thought I had OCD, BPD, or if I'm psychopath. It was hard to admit that I'm autistic. It felt strange but so relieving in a sense. I finally accepted it, but it's hard living as an openly autistic person. I cried when I finally got diagnosed.
I was told by my abusive ex that I am crazy and bipolar and when I looked into it some things were quite fitting such as mood swings etc. I was not aware at that point that I am in abusive relationship and autistic and my “mood swings” were reaction to his abuse or just simple sensory overload or meltdowns
Everything came into crystal clear focus, like never before. It was a real "holy shit!" / "eureka" moment.
I like the phrase "the penny dropped".
It was like those murder mystery movies when they have the "big reveal"... everything rewinds and you get to see it all again from a different perspective, knowing why things were the way they were.
Then came the fear. I've always been the "weird one" and I've had to deal with discrimination and social "slights" because of it, but if I put a label on it, oh boy... that would just pour fuel on the fire with some people. I'd love to say "that's their problem", but it would (very likely) have very negative effects on my career. The world does not view autism well. We have acceptance and understanding in places like this, but the real world is nowhere near as kind.
I knew now that I'd be living (at least for now) "in the closet" so to speak.
I'm very careful about who I tell. It sucks.
It's why I use this account and not my actual account. This one's far less identifiable.
But telling my family was terrifying. I struggled for weeks with it, maybe longer, I forget. I lost so much sleep over it.
The few I did tell thankfully were extremely understanding... I found out just how strong autism is in my family, cuz it turns out that they are too... which was both an initial "shock", but then a "well, yeah, duh" moment. A few others were a mixed bag, but the ones who matter most to me were phenomenal. I don't think I'll ever forget that moment. It breaks my heart that so many don't get that "welcome home" type of reception.
Beyond that? Months and months and months of "coming to grips". Some days are just other days, but some are kinda head trippy. Some days it doesn't matter and others it's the world. And everything in-between.
But I tell you what I'm so happy about is that things make sense now. They're not easier or harder cuz they're still the same things, but they can be easier to deal with cuz I kinda understand them now. My favourite example is simply knowing that NT "self help" strategies don't just "not make sense", but they don't work (for me). I'm not "doing them wrong", they just don't work. There's nothing wrong with me, I'm just running different software... and the great news is that as much as the NT stuff doesn't work, the ND stuff absolutely does!
It's like someone stopped by and took the "human instruction manual" that I had and said "oh, sorry, you've been issued the wrong one... here's the one for your system".
I totally relate to that. Understanding all my childhood memories and my current issues all at once.
40+ male here, and I found out about my autism very recently. I whish I knew it much more earlier in life. Still processing it, of course, but it is extremely liberating to start understanding myself. What helps me the most is to talk about it with people that I trust and that I know are also on the spectrum.
Thanks for sharing. I like your example of the human instruction manual. I’ve used the same kind of example except I insert the people grading my work were using the wrong answer key. I received a late (41) stage unofficial diagnosis from a woman who sold a very successful school for autistic children of Asperger’s in 2011. I had never heard the term and actually thought it was concerning IBS or some gastrointestinal disorder in the manner in which it was revealed to me but it planted the seed. It took a few years later and running into the same bad situations to get me to begin researching autism. I had heard bi polar in the past. I am scheduled for an autism evaluation in May and finally believe I am in the right business for receiving the right diagnosis. I have impulse issues along with rage but lately I seem to have them in more control than before due to sobriety and some hard financial knocks so I feel like an assault rifle that has had unlimited ammunition in the past but now that I’m down to reserve ammunition I finally switched the rifle from auto to single and I’ve realized the world is no longer my enemy. In the 56 years I’ve walked this earth I’ve realized allot of my behaviors if not all of them were learned and I was raised for my first 19 years in a bubble of sorts. I was told that advanced schoolwork was stupid if my mother didn’t understand it. Puberty was not explained so when my hormones started kicking in without explanation I can now see how two inexperienced parents who would not be told how to raise their son had gone from having a calf on a short leash in a china shop to having a young bull that they could no longer control. It led to my father abandoning us and of the two my father was the submissive parent so my mother and I went head to head. Keep in mind that any situations that arose were always “the other persons fault” so I thought I was perfect including my thinking. There was zero explanation in our household only because I said so or do as I say not as I do. Needless to say our household was very confusing. I have one younger brother of 4 years and we were not raised to be close in fact quite the opposite. My father prior to their divorce took me pretty much everywhere with him but all I remember is hearing 70’s music and almost no dialogue. I do remember meeting all of his acquaintances on fishing boats and sporting events and lots of alcohol and smoking and womanizing. I suspect that’s why for the first half of my life (or so we’ll see) I spent with a cigarette in my mouth, a drink in one hand and pointing at girls backside. In honesty I’m ashamed of my life until about 44 when I made the mental move to sobriety. Not at 56 completely sober for some time now I can painfully see how different my life could have been without all of the confusing times I went through in my formative years. The muttering from my mother anytime a difficult situation arose and if I asked what she said “nothing” was her response. That alone can make someone crazy. When my father was given a ticket for speeding and all I can remember is hearing how bad cops were. When my mothers car was stolen when I was very young and to hear her keep repeating the story how the cops instructed her to enhance what was in the car by telling her what was in there and her saying it wasn’t but they kept shaking their heads yes and repeating it. Too much bad information for a young mind with autism. I remember being in the group or kids on the set on Wonderama, being taken competing zoos because I had intense sensory issues. While I can’t recall the actual event I do recall hearing I was in the 5 percentile and instead of me knowing it was the statistics for autism back then I assumed I was special like I was told from my mother she just left out the most important part… NEEDS. Now that I understand autism and how it affects thought processes everything is crystal clear. I wasn’t a bad kid like my mother made me feel, I processed information differently. What I can tell you is that due to all of the confusion and knowing a divorce was coming before it did and the fact that there was no touching in our household or show of emotions I did become a bad person. HE WHO MAKES A BEAST OF HIMSELF FORGOES THE PAIN OF BEING A MAN by Samuel Johnson
A life changing event took place in the last quarter of 2010 which put me on a journey of awakening. I didn’t fully understand it at the time but I am now in a place where I have been fortunate enough to have an almost perfect memory almost when I don’t want it but when I do like for tests it escapes me until well after. I suspect it may have something to do with nerves and cortisol but the important part is with this new understanding of autism I am able to go back and look at it from a fresh perspective and see if I was at fault perhaps or if I may have been in bad company but at the end of the day I am able to pull something positive from the occurrence. It is extremely painful and embarrassing but it is part of my healing journey.
Good luck to all. We need it.
PEACE
Wait, did we have the same parents?
Thanks for the info dump. Sorry you had to go through it, but it's comforting to hear the stories of others that have had similar journeys.
Looking back with my new found clarity has definitely helped me. I hope it does for you.. sounds like it already is.
Peace brother.
Once I figured it out, I felt relieved. I knew something was up, so when I discovered it was the ‘tism, I knew where to go from there. Now that I’ve been clinically diagnosed, I can make reasonable accommodation requests at work.
I thought I would be relieved, but Ive been depressed and frustrated about it. The report had very black and white generalizations and in some parts were offensive. My therapist agreed with me on that. I’m in a much better place now, but this week has been rough.
Update: I’m depressed, frustrated, ashamed, and embarrassed because I wish I knew this sooner, and I’ve been lamenting past social and professional situations that could’ve been prevented or avoided had I known so I could’ve developed skills to address my short-comings.
I live in a bigoted regressive area (Saskatchewan, Canada). If you’re not white, straight, neurotypical, and don’t conformed to gender roles, you’re written off as a problem. I now have two strikes against me.
The first time it was brought up to me was by a MH professional and my first reaction was just like “oh”. Then we just moved on with the conversation. I thought about it later and my ideas of autism were so stereotypical but in true autistic fashion, I started researching autism and when I found out how it commonly presents in AFABs I was like “oh my god this is literally me”. Then I had major imposter syndrome for like another 2 years before I got my official diagnosis. Then I still felt imposter syndrome after that too but it went away in a couple of months and then I was just glad to be diagnosed and felt like so much of my life made sense.
I felt very confused and felt a lot worse. I didn't really understand what it meant, and the way adults spoke to me about it at 16 made me feel like it was bad news (and, to be fair, I do feel like it was terrible news in hindsight).
At first fear that I was wrong and just ‘one of those tiktok kids just faking it for attention’ and then relief that I wasn’t just a failure and lazy, that the things I go through are real and valid, and that there are things that I can do to make life less tiring.
Was diagnosed when I was four, but I was never told about it until I was ten.
My grandmother had saw some symptoms and asked my mom to get me tested. Test results came and I was diagnosed.
Mom put me on disability, and now that I’m a mostly functional person, she is paying a lot of money to some company or something. Idk tbh.
What really made me upset was that when I asked my mom what was wrong with me, she said nothing. My grandma sat me down and told me everything.
And me being put on disability? Just found that out a few weeks ago.
Honestly, I always had a feeling that there was something wrong with me, but I just couldn’t understand it.
I’m 16 now. Still have a lot to learn about myself, so yeah.
Coming up on 9ish months since my diagnosis in my early 30s. I cried a little in the appointment. I felt relief and some weird sort of happiness in the first few weeks.
Since then I think I've felt the full range of emotions. Sadness for the 'normal' life experiences I always wanted but will never have, anger at all the adults in my childhood for missing all the signs, shame over all the time I wasted trying to be someone I wasn't and could never be and just a general paranoia over how much else I've missed - I've lived half my life oblivious to my most defining quality.
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I remember first hearing the word thrown around at around 4, I have just started primary school I had no idea what the word meant or what it was just that is what I was labeled as, just that I was different as they didn't describe any other child like that just me. I was 10 when I finally got diagnosed, honestly? I felt scared, and alone I've never met anyone like me before so I seriously thought there was no one else in the world who is autistic (I was a dramatic child okay? I'm admitting that I know bit dramatic). I felt like I had an answer but also I thought that answer was being alone forever. It took a while for my professional to prove that there are plenty of more autistic people in the world please stop being dramatic. It took me till I was about 12 to fully accept myself.
i was happy. it of course took time to accept, but it was weeks, not months. i sought out my diagnosis, had a lot of imposter syndrome about it, but when i finally was diagnosed, i felt so validated. i finally understood why i was so "weird" as a kid, why people didnt like me and why i have to do things in such a specific way, why I'm so sensitive to things. it was a good thing. it has improved my life since i was diagnosed.
Kinda like that one Minions meme where Gru is pointing at the board.
Like hey I scheduled an evaluation and now it’s done :)
I got diagnosed with autism :)
I got diagnosed with autism :/
But overall I’m very happy to at least have an answer for why I am me
it was a huge revelation for me. i never in a million years would’ve considered that i was autistic if a certain video hadn’t popped up on my tik tok feed (i know this seems to be a common story lately lol but whatever). i honestly didn’t know anything about autism until like 2 years ago. i had autistic friends and knew autistic people, but no one ever told me that they suspected i was autistic. when i started learning more about it, everything clicked. it was like a veil had been lifted. i finally understood why i had the life experiences i had, i why therapy didn’t help the issues i was dealing with. i thought i just had really severe social anxiety, was a picky eater, had ADHD, PTSD, BPD, OCD and severe depression. i thought i was just a weird alien who didn’t belong in society. when i started learning that there were other people who felt like me and who had the same issues and experiences as me, i felt such a relief. it was amazing to know that it wasn’t just me.
all that being said, it hasn’t all been good. was learning that i was autistic a relief at first? yes. but now that it’s been some time, i’ve been struggling immensely. i realized that there is no ”treatment” for my issues, this is just *me*. i will live have to live with it for the rest of my life, and that has been really difficult for me to grapple with. i’ve been through all kinds of mental health treatment; residential, PHP, EMDR, ketamine infusions, countless medications, TMS, individual therapy, group therapy, you name it. none of it helped. i was originally misdiagnosed with bipolar 2, and was put on all sort of horrible medications, and none of them made me feel better. i felt more hope when i thought i was just mentally ill, and that i could recover someday.
i often feel like i’m an alien cosplaying as a person (a common sentiment among autistic people). i feel very misunderstood by everyone around me, even my family and closest friends. it’s not in an edgy “i’m so cool and different” way, but a “i don’t feel like a person” way. i want to feel like other people! there are some things about my weirdness that i like, but most of it makes it hard to function. humans are a social species, so fitting in is integral to my survival. i feel like i can’t survive on my own. i struggle so much with employment because of the social games that come with it. i can be just fine at my job, but then a few coworkers will decide they don’t like me and will try to bully me out of the workplace. clients and customers will misinterpret my intentions and communications, leading to me being reprimanded and punished. interviews are excruciatingly stressful and difficult for me. no matter how well i mask, people can tell i’m not like them. being autistic is hard because we aren’t part of the in-group. people know we’re different, and often their natural instinct is to ice us out.
these things have happened to me throughout my life, and i never understood why. when i learned it was because of autism i initially felt relieved, but that relief quickly turned into despondence. i realized that i can’t change it. this will be my reality until the day i die. there are things about being autistic that i find joy in, but i would be lying if i said it doesn’t make my life more difficult in many ways.
I refused to believe it because I was always told Asperger's and autism were two different things and I wasn't autistic. I was even confused how one could be both.
Sometimes, I don't want to assume it. Sometimes, it is like an impostor syndrome. Sometimes I'm fine with it (when I'm surrounded with specific people), but my main thought is that I don't want to be like I am rn
40 year old woman here. I was diagnosed last year.
I felt horrible, but just recently (within the past couple weeks), I have accepted I have it, because it makes my life easier and my spouses life easier. It explains everything I've had issues with and has helped me accept myself. I tried hard to ignore it and mask a lot, which would cause burn out. I'm trying not to do that anymore. I just tell people what I need and what my limits are now.
I feel like I have an explanation. I felt weird most of my life and like stuff was just harder for me. Where most are really good at math, or sciences, mine is flipped. I'm better at language/writing, so I felt even more out of place with my diagnosis. I didn't fit the stereotype of someone with autism.
It all gave me a weird outlook on stuff. Now I think of how much easier it will be and had an epiphany that my life will be easier. I won't have to hide who I am and I will be understood. If they don't get me, then I don't need to be around them.
My husband of seventeen years has been extremely supportive.
I got diagnosed on Wednesday and it is like rollercoaster for me. I feel relieved because I am finally having something that explains my entire life. However as someone who is having severe childhood trauma and experienced few abusive relationships, I can’t help but feel anger too towards those who knew something is off but decided to exploit it anyway.
I feel sadness because if I have known earlier, maybe my children would have better childhood.
My first thing I told my assessor was “That means I am sh*t at my job!” I work with adults with autism and learning disabilities and I feel very incompetent now because I did not see it in myself earlier. Like, how could I not know?
When they called me to talk more about the diagnosis and they asked how I feel I said “I don’t know how I feel. But since I saw you last time I made little research and found many many reasons why you are wrong!” He laughed and said they hear this a lot.
I hope in few days or weeks it will pass. Right now I am feeling like I am going through big identity crisis. Who am I? How do I behave now? Clearly the way I lived my life prior to this diagnosis didn’t serve me and that’s why I ended up here in first place. How are my friends or colleagues going to react if I start to unmask? So many questions
I was diagnosed when I was 11. It was the first time I heard about autism and I was really confused because I didn't know what it is and for about 2 years I thought it was made to make me a freak
There was a mix of relief at having a lot of questions answered just by finding out, and a bit of resentment at being told about it at the age of 14 when I was diagnosed at 3. :p Unfortunately I spent most of my teens and 20s coping with it through denial and either heavily masking or hiding away from the world as much as possible.
I got officially diagnosed a few weeks ago and ever since then I’ve felt lonely and sad and even more disconnected.
When I was waiting for my diagnosis I felt okay and I was doing well. I think I feel the same way that you did.
I got my diagnosis (adhd and autism) when I was actually there for my dyslexia diagnosis. The psychologist thought that I already knew or suspected it. I didn't. I can't describe how I felt with words. "?????^???!!!????****" would describe it the best.
I was diagnosed age 12-13. At age 2, my parents were told that I had social anxiety and sensory processing disorder and that if issues persisted, it may an idea to be assessed for Aspergers. My mum and dad strongly believed I had but it was not until 10 years later that it became official. I remember a feeling of relief and understanding when I found out. I really loved myself again and was able to forgive myself for past mistakes as well as gaining some knowledge on how to better my life. The time that followed was not as smooth though. As time went on, I learnt more about Autism and Aspergers through experience and as I went into my teen years, struggled more with social constructs than ever before. I feel that my Autism has always been fluid. As a young child 2-6, I certainly had social differences but they didn’t always show as deficits. In fact, as a toddler my ability to speak for hours on a specific topic was admired by adults. My issues as a toddler were more to do with reliance on routines, sensory issues and restricted interests. The social stuff became more obvious as I aged (as is common with Aspergers). As a teen, I began comparing myself with others on the spectrum. I was angry if they appeared more socially competent than me and confused if I seemed better at social stuff than them. I guess what I’m trying to say is my advice to the newly diagnosed is don’t assume it’s gonna fix all your problems. Just see it as a chance to better understand yourself. Any diagnosis can cause mixed feelings, especially if it comes at a transitional period in your life. Don’t get hung up on it like I did. You are still you. Continue living as you with some extra knowledge about yourself to help you along the way. I spent years hung up on what I was struggling with and not focusing on what I was good at. Don’t make that mistake of over-analysing yourself!
Good luck to any newly diagnosed people.
I had suspicions for my entire life that I was different, and nothing really clicked with me. A couple of years ago, as a full adult, it was suggested to me that my meltdowns might be autistic meltdowns.
I did a lot of research, watched videos on female-patterned autism, kept journals of my feelings etc and did a lot of observation of myself. I decided I could consider myself autistic for a bit and see how it felt. The relief was immediate when I started taking care of my sensory needs and my meltdowns with methods commonly used by autistic people. I noticed a lot of things about myself.
I live in Texas in the US which is not known for its forward-thinking, diagnosis is insanely expensive and I have other financial needs, and women are not likely to be diagnosed near me with low to moderate support needs. So I haven't been diagnosed yet. But taking care of myself like I have been diagnosed has drastically changed my mental health and needs, as well.
When I first suspected that I was autistic I went on a deep dive. After seven years of suspicion I got my answer, I am autistic. I got diagnosed last week and I cried in front of the psychologist, I told him I would cry either way. If they said I was not I would feel worse and want to know what is wrong with me. I am now dealing with imposter syndrome, I keep thinking that maybe he got it wrong, maybe I am not autistic? Not sure if anyone can relate but I am dealing with so much denial and it hurts a bit. I always knew I am autistic and hearing that I actually am for the first time feels like a punch in the face. It explains why I am so bad at conversations and cannot keep a friend for the life of me. It also hurts that there are so many people who just does not understand what autism is and I have to constantly deal with "you do not seem/act/look autistic." "You need to change your way of thinking." Just feels like another curve I need to learn.
I felt like it finally made sense but was also heartbroken because why me. Why was I autistic. I was raised to see it in a bad light and am struggling even now with my asd girl because I’m like why me why is my child autistic. There’s a bittersweet feeling. I love knowing because it makes things make sense and I can finally start to unmask as an adult but why.
i was diagnosed when i was pretty young because i had some really severe symptom. i couldn’t eat most things because of texture, always wore the same clothes, barely showered, etc, etc. i always thought i was just weird, but when i got diagnosed i felt better that i wasn’t the only person on the planet experiencing this.
I was really happy because I finally felt like my bullies weren't justified in their actions. Before I heard about my diagnosis, I thought I deserved to get bullied because I was weird without an explanation, and my parents just told me that I am sensitive.
I actually felt some relief, though it was bittersweet. I had a moment where everything just.. clicked. Years of struggles finally started to make some semblance of sense. But then I had to deal with what I was taught others would say and that kept me from being open about it for a few months.
Once I realized I didn't want to care about that and I'd rather be free to not worry about masking as much, I told my friends and family.
Hmmm.... Hard to describe tbh. I got diagnosed with ADHD at 3-4yo and went to a specialized school during my whole childhood. I was already loving my ADHD when I found out that I was autistic in early 2023. (Took me 2 months to self diagnosis and conclude that the chance that I was autistic where very strong)
It explained so many things, even my antisocial behavior that I ended up doubting about my ASPD 🫠 but overall it was just like "okay I'm autistic that's fun" finally I got officially diagnosed in January this year.
The most disturbing thing is mostly unmasking for me. I spent my whole life masking because it was a matter of death or life.... I feel so vulnerable now... Unmasking was hard and it's still hard for me....
Diagnosed at age 58. I think if I could have known when I was younger, I might have liked myself better. I've gone through my life believing I am an unlikable person who deserves everything bad that comes my way.
Some relief, but mostly depression. While I now know the reason for my past struggles, tragedies, and triumphs - I also know that if I had been diagnosed much earlier in life, I could have structured my life in such a way that my wild success could have been much more common and extended - if not stitched together into a cohesive streak; and I could have avoided ALL of my disasters.
OTOH, I also would have never had a family or good friends (which never allows me time to focus which is my superpower), and I probably would have been pretty lonely.
In a perfect world, I'd have focused and sacrificed long enough to make enough money to coast the rest of my life, THEN had a family. (A luxury I acknowledge having as a man.)
I (38 F) self diagnosed after some research after a soft diagnosis by a disability service center person at my college some years ago. Everything made sense, but I didn't really want it to be true because in a sense it would mean my entire life, everything around me and everything I tried to be, was bullshit... Got formally diagnosed a few days ago and I'm angry I never knew because my life would have gone so differently. I feel like I am free to trust myself now and to do what I want and be who I am instead of keep "trying" to be whatever other people think I should be.
It took me over a year to come to terms with it. I was relieved to finally have an answer as to why I didnt "feel normal" but I also felt ashamed, depressed and disappointed. Some small part of me was hoping Id be "fixable". That was my mindset two years ago at 16, now I am much more accepting and gentle with myself, and Ive made myself proud. But it was very hard at the time
I knew I was different from others, I didn't know why. I thought I had a bunch of other mental illnesses (not the ones I actually have) I thought I had OCD, BPD, or if I'm psychopath. It was hard to admit that I'm autistic. It felt strange but so relieving in a sense. I finally accepted it, but it's hard living as an openly autistic person. I cried when I finally got diagnosed.
I am same! I even went to see psychiatrist couple of times because I thought I am bipolar, narcissist etc I hope things are bit easier for you now
could you explain how you thoughy you were bipolar and ended up being autistic? I feel lole those two disorders are wildly different
I was told by my abusive ex that I am crazy and bipolar and when I looked into it some things were quite fitting such as mood swings etc. I was not aware at that point that I am in abusive relationship and autistic and my “mood swings” were reaction to his abuse or just simple sensory overload or meltdowns
Everything came into crystal clear focus, like never before. It was a real "holy shit!" / "eureka" moment. I like the phrase "the penny dropped". It was like those murder mystery movies when they have the "big reveal"... everything rewinds and you get to see it all again from a different perspective, knowing why things were the way they were. Then came the fear. I've always been the "weird one" and I've had to deal with discrimination and social "slights" because of it, but if I put a label on it, oh boy... that would just pour fuel on the fire with some people. I'd love to say "that's their problem", but it would (very likely) have very negative effects on my career. The world does not view autism well. We have acceptance and understanding in places like this, but the real world is nowhere near as kind. I knew now that I'd be living (at least for now) "in the closet" so to speak. I'm very careful about who I tell. It sucks. It's why I use this account and not my actual account. This one's far less identifiable. But telling my family was terrifying. I struggled for weeks with it, maybe longer, I forget. I lost so much sleep over it. The few I did tell thankfully were extremely understanding... I found out just how strong autism is in my family, cuz it turns out that they are too... which was both an initial "shock", but then a "well, yeah, duh" moment. A few others were a mixed bag, but the ones who matter most to me were phenomenal. I don't think I'll ever forget that moment. It breaks my heart that so many don't get that "welcome home" type of reception. Beyond that? Months and months and months of "coming to grips". Some days are just other days, but some are kinda head trippy. Some days it doesn't matter and others it's the world. And everything in-between. But I tell you what I'm so happy about is that things make sense now. They're not easier or harder cuz they're still the same things, but they can be easier to deal with cuz I kinda understand them now. My favourite example is simply knowing that NT "self help" strategies don't just "not make sense", but they don't work (for me). I'm not "doing them wrong", they just don't work. There's nothing wrong with me, I'm just running different software... and the great news is that as much as the NT stuff doesn't work, the ND stuff absolutely does! It's like someone stopped by and took the "human instruction manual" that I had and said "oh, sorry, you've been issued the wrong one... here's the one for your system".
I totally relate to that. Understanding all my childhood memories and my current issues all at once. 40+ male here, and I found out about my autism very recently. I whish I knew it much more earlier in life. Still processing it, of course, but it is extremely liberating to start understanding myself. What helps me the most is to talk about it with people that I trust and that I know are also on the spectrum.
Same. Welcome home.
Thanks for sharing. I like your example of the human instruction manual. I’ve used the same kind of example except I insert the people grading my work were using the wrong answer key. I received a late (41) stage unofficial diagnosis from a woman who sold a very successful school for autistic children of Asperger’s in 2011. I had never heard the term and actually thought it was concerning IBS or some gastrointestinal disorder in the manner in which it was revealed to me but it planted the seed. It took a few years later and running into the same bad situations to get me to begin researching autism. I had heard bi polar in the past. I am scheduled for an autism evaluation in May and finally believe I am in the right business for receiving the right diagnosis. I have impulse issues along with rage but lately I seem to have them in more control than before due to sobriety and some hard financial knocks so I feel like an assault rifle that has had unlimited ammunition in the past but now that I’m down to reserve ammunition I finally switched the rifle from auto to single and I’ve realized the world is no longer my enemy. In the 56 years I’ve walked this earth I’ve realized allot of my behaviors if not all of them were learned and I was raised for my first 19 years in a bubble of sorts. I was told that advanced schoolwork was stupid if my mother didn’t understand it. Puberty was not explained so when my hormones started kicking in without explanation I can now see how two inexperienced parents who would not be told how to raise their son had gone from having a calf on a short leash in a china shop to having a young bull that they could no longer control. It led to my father abandoning us and of the two my father was the submissive parent so my mother and I went head to head. Keep in mind that any situations that arose were always “the other persons fault” so I thought I was perfect including my thinking. There was zero explanation in our household only because I said so or do as I say not as I do. Needless to say our household was very confusing. I have one younger brother of 4 years and we were not raised to be close in fact quite the opposite. My father prior to their divorce took me pretty much everywhere with him but all I remember is hearing 70’s music and almost no dialogue. I do remember meeting all of his acquaintances on fishing boats and sporting events and lots of alcohol and smoking and womanizing. I suspect that’s why for the first half of my life (or so we’ll see) I spent with a cigarette in my mouth, a drink in one hand and pointing at girls backside. In honesty I’m ashamed of my life until about 44 when I made the mental move to sobriety. Not at 56 completely sober for some time now I can painfully see how different my life could have been without all of the confusing times I went through in my formative years. The muttering from my mother anytime a difficult situation arose and if I asked what she said “nothing” was her response. That alone can make someone crazy. When my father was given a ticket for speeding and all I can remember is hearing how bad cops were. When my mothers car was stolen when I was very young and to hear her keep repeating the story how the cops instructed her to enhance what was in the car by telling her what was in there and her saying it wasn’t but they kept shaking their heads yes and repeating it. Too much bad information for a young mind with autism. I remember being in the group or kids on the set on Wonderama, being taken competing zoos because I had intense sensory issues. While I can’t recall the actual event I do recall hearing I was in the 5 percentile and instead of me knowing it was the statistics for autism back then I assumed I was special like I was told from my mother she just left out the most important part… NEEDS. Now that I understand autism and how it affects thought processes everything is crystal clear. I wasn’t a bad kid like my mother made me feel, I processed information differently. What I can tell you is that due to all of the confusion and knowing a divorce was coming before it did and the fact that there was no touching in our household or show of emotions I did become a bad person. HE WHO MAKES A BEAST OF HIMSELF FORGOES THE PAIN OF BEING A MAN by Samuel Johnson A life changing event took place in the last quarter of 2010 which put me on a journey of awakening. I didn’t fully understand it at the time but I am now in a place where I have been fortunate enough to have an almost perfect memory almost when I don’t want it but when I do like for tests it escapes me until well after. I suspect it may have something to do with nerves and cortisol but the important part is with this new understanding of autism I am able to go back and look at it from a fresh perspective and see if I was at fault perhaps or if I may have been in bad company but at the end of the day I am able to pull something positive from the occurrence. It is extremely painful and embarrassing but it is part of my healing journey. Good luck to all. We need it. PEACE
Wait, did we have the same parents? Thanks for the info dump. Sorry you had to go through it, but it's comforting to hear the stories of others that have had similar journeys. Looking back with my new found clarity has definitely helped me. I hope it does for you.. sounds like it already is. Peace brother.
Once I figured it out, I felt relieved. I knew something was up, so when I discovered it was the ‘tism, I knew where to go from there. Now that I’ve been clinically diagnosed, I can make reasonable accommodation requests at work.
Still processing. I found out last Tuesday.
I did find out on Wednesday! And i am same. How was the assessment for you?
I thought I would be relieved, but Ive been depressed and frustrated about it. The report had very black and white generalizations and in some parts were offensive. My therapist agreed with me on that. I’m in a much better place now, but this week has been rough. Update: I’m depressed, frustrated, ashamed, and embarrassed because I wish I knew this sooner, and I’ve been lamenting past social and professional situations that could’ve been prevented or avoided had I known so I could’ve developed skills to address my short-comings. I live in a bigoted regressive area (Saskatchewan, Canada). If you’re not white, straight, neurotypical, and don’t conformed to gender roles, you’re written off as a problem. I now have two strikes against me.
The first time it was brought up to me was by a MH professional and my first reaction was just like “oh”. Then we just moved on with the conversation. I thought about it later and my ideas of autism were so stereotypical but in true autistic fashion, I started researching autism and when I found out how it commonly presents in AFABs I was like “oh my god this is literally me”. Then I had major imposter syndrome for like another 2 years before I got my official diagnosis. Then I still felt imposter syndrome after that too but it went away in a couple of months and then I was just glad to be diagnosed and felt like so much of my life made sense.
I felt very confused and felt a lot worse. I didn't really understand what it meant, and the way adults spoke to me about it at 16 made me feel like it was bad news (and, to be fair, I do feel like it was terrible news in hindsight).
At first fear that I was wrong and just ‘one of those tiktok kids just faking it for attention’ and then relief that I wasn’t just a failure and lazy, that the things I go through are real and valid, and that there are things that I can do to make life less tiring.
Honestly, everything made sense.
I felt so relieved and validated
Yeah same it kinda gave me a reason for why I was so different and that that was okay.
Was diagnosed when I was four, but I was never told about it until I was ten. My grandmother had saw some symptoms and asked my mom to get me tested. Test results came and I was diagnosed. Mom put me on disability, and now that I’m a mostly functional person, she is paying a lot of money to some company or something. Idk tbh. What really made me upset was that when I asked my mom what was wrong with me, she said nothing. My grandma sat me down and told me everything. And me being put on disability? Just found that out a few weeks ago. Honestly, I always had a feeling that there was something wrong with me, but I just couldn’t understand it. I’m 16 now. Still have a lot to learn about myself, so yeah.
Coming up on 9ish months since my diagnosis in my early 30s. I cried a little in the appointment. I felt relief and some weird sort of happiness in the first few weeks. Since then I think I've felt the full range of emotions. Sadness for the 'normal' life experiences I always wanted but will never have, anger at all the adults in my childhood for missing all the signs, shame over all the time I wasted trying to be someone I wasn't and could never be and just a general paranoia over how much else I've missed - I've lived half my life oblivious to my most defining quality.
Soooooo much worse. Any chances for a bright future felt like they were suddenly slammed shut in my face.
Defeated
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Relief that I can finally get some decent disability supports with my diagnosis.
I remember first hearing the word thrown around at around 4, I have just started primary school I had no idea what the word meant or what it was just that is what I was labeled as, just that I was different as they didn't describe any other child like that just me. I was 10 when I finally got diagnosed, honestly? I felt scared, and alone I've never met anyone like me before so I seriously thought there was no one else in the world who is autistic (I was a dramatic child okay? I'm admitting that I know bit dramatic). I felt like I had an answer but also I thought that answer was being alone forever. It took a while for my professional to prove that there are plenty of more autistic people in the world please stop being dramatic. It took me till I was about 12 to fully accept myself.
i was happy. it of course took time to accept, but it was weeks, not months. i sought out my diagnosis, had a lot of imposter syndrome about it, but when i finally was diagnosed, i felt so validated. i finally understood why i was so "weird" as a kid, why people didnt like me and why i have to do things in such a specific way, why I'm so sensitive to things. it was a good thing. it has improved my life since i was diagnosed.
Kinda like that one Minions meme where Gru is pointing at the board. Like hey I scheduled an evaluation and now it’s done :) I got diagnosed with autism :) I got diagnosed with autism :/ But overall I’m very happy to at least have an answer for why I am me
it was a huge revelation for me. i never in a million years would’ve considered that i was autistic if a certain video hadn’t popped up on my tik tok feed (i know this seems to be a common story lately lol but whatever). i honestly didn’t know anything about autism until like 2 years ago. i had autistic friends and knew autistic people, but no one ever told me that they suspected i was autistic. when i started learning more about it, everything clicked. it was like a veil had been lifted. i finally understood why i had the life experiences i had, i why therapy didn’t help the issues i was dealing with. i thought i just had really severe social anxiety, was a picky eater, had ADHD, PTSD, BPD, OCD and severe depression. i thought i was just a weird alien who didn’t belong in society. when i started learning that there were other people who felt like me and who had the same issues and experiences as me, i felt such a relief. it was amazing to know that it wasn’t just me. all that being said, it hasn’t all been good. was learning that i was autistic a relief at first? yes. but now that it’s been some time, i’ve been struggling immensely. i realized that there is no ”treatment” for my issues, this is just *me*. i will live have to live with it for the rest of my life, and that has been really difficult for me to grapple with. i’ve been through all kinds of mental health treatment; residential, PHP, EMDR, ketamine infusions, countless medications, TMS, individual therapy, group therapy, you name it. none of it helped. i was originally misdiagnosed with bipolar 2, and was put on all sort of horrible medications, and none of them made me feel better. i felt more hope when i thought i was just mentally ill, and that i could recover someday. i often feel like i’m an alien cosplaying as a person (a common sentiment among autistic people). i feel very misunderstood by everyone around me, even my family and closest friends. it’s not in an edgy “i’m so cool and different” way, but a “i don’t feel like a person” way. i want to feel like other people! there are some things about my weirdness that i like, but most of it makes it hard to function. humans are a social species, so fitting in is integral to my survival. i feel like i can’t survive on my own. i struggle so much with employment because of the social games that come with it. i can be just fine at my job, but then a few coworkers will decide they don’t like me and will try to bully me out of the workplace. clients and customers will misinterpret my intentions and communications, leading to me being reprimanded and punished. interviews are excruciatingly stressful and difficult for me. no matter how well i mask, people can tell i’m not like them. being autistic is hard because we aren’t part of the in-group. people know we’re different, and often their natural instinct is to ice us out. these things have happened to me throughout my life, and i never understood why. when i learned it was because of autism i initially felt relieved, but that relief quickly turned into despondence. i realized that i can’t change it. this will be my reality until the day i die. there are things about being autistic that i find joy in, but i would be lying if i said it doesn’t make my life more difficult in many ways.
I refused to believe it because I was always told Asperger's and autism were two different things and I wasn't autistic. I was even confused how one could be both.
Sometimes, I don't want to assume it. Sometimes, it is like an impostor syndrome. Sometimes I'm fine with it (when I'm surrounded with specific people), but my main thought is that I don't want to be like I am rn
40 year old woman here. I was diagnosed last year. I felt horrible, but just recently (within the past couple weeks), I have accepted I have it, because it makes my life easier and my spouses life easier. It explains everything I've had issues with and has helped me accept myself. I tried hard to ignore it and mask a lot, which would cause burn out. I'm trying not to do that anymore. I just tell people what I need and what my limits are now. I feel like I have an explanation. I felt weird most of my life and like stuff was just harder for me. Where most are really good at math, or sciences, mine is flipped. I'm better at language/writing, so I felt even more out of place with my diagnosis. I didn't fit the stereotype of someone with autism. It all gave me a weird outlook on stuff. Now I think of how much easier it will be and had an epiphany that my life will be easier. I won't have to hide who I am and I will be understood. If they don't get me, then I don't need to be around them. My husband of seventeen years has been extremely supportive.
I got diagnosed on Wednesday and it is like rollercoaster for me. I feel relieved because I am finally having something that explains my entire life. However as someone who is having severe childhood trauma and experienced few abusive relationships, I can’t help but feel anger too towards those who knew something is off but decided to exploit it anyway. I feel sadness because if I have known earlier, maybe my children would have better childhood. My first thing I told my assessor was “That means I am sh*t at my job!” I work with adults with autism and learning disabilities and I feel very incompetent now because I did not see it in myself earlier. Like, how could I not know? When they called me to talk more about the diagnosis and they asked how I feel I said “I don’t know how I feel. But since I saw you last time I made little research and found many many reasons why you are wrong!” He laughed and said they hear this a lot. I hope in few days or weeks it will pass. Right now I am feeling like I am going through big identity crisis. Who am I? How do I behave now? Clearly the way I lived my life prior to this diagnosis didn’t serve me and that’s why I ended up here in first place. How are my friends or colleagues going to react if I start to unmask? So many questions
I was 5 or 6 so sorry I have no idea.
I was diagnosed when I was 11. It was the first time I heard about autism and I was really confused because I didn't know what it is and for about 2 years I thought it was made to make me a freak
There was a mix of relief at having a lot of questions answered just by finding out, and a bit of resentment at being told about it at the age of 14 when I was diagnosed at 3. :p Unfortunately I spent most of my teens and 20s coping with it through denial and either heavily masking or hiding away from the world as much as possible.
I got officially diagnosed a few weeks ago and ever since then I’ve felt lonely and sad and even more disconnected. When I was waiting for my diagnosis I felt okay and I was doing well. I think I feel the same way that you did.
I got my diagnosis (adhd and autism) when I was actually there for my dyslexia diagnosis. The psychologist thought that I already knew or suspected it. I didn't. I can't describe how I felt with words. "?????^???!!!????****" would describe it the best.
I was diagnosed age 12-13. At age 2, my parents were told that I had social anxiety and sensory processing disorder and that if issues persisted, it may an idea to be assessed for Aspergers. My mum and dad strongly believed I had but it was not until 10 years later that it became official. I remember a feeling of relief and understanding when I found out. I really loved myself again and was able to forgive myself for past mistakes as well as gaining some knowledge on how to better my life. The time that followed was not as smooth though. As time went on, I learnt more about Autism and Aspergers through experience and as I went into my teen years, struggled more with social constructs than ever before. I feel that my Autism has always been fluid. As a young child 2-6, I certainly had social differences but they didn’t always show as deficits. In fact, as a toddler my ability to speak for hours on a specific topic was admired by adults. My issues as a toddler were more to do with reliance on routines, sensory issues and restricted interests. The social stuff became more obvious as I aged (as is common with Aspergers). As a teen, I began comparing myself with others on the spectrum. I was angry if they appeared more socially competent than me and confused if I seemed better at social stuff than them. I guess what I’m trying to say is my advice to the newly diagnosed is don’t assume it’s gonna fix all your problems. Just see it as a chance to better understand yourself. Any diagnosis can cause mixed feelings, especially if it comes at a transitional period in your life. Don’t get hung up on it like I did. You are still you. Continue living as you with some extra knowledge about yourself to help you along the way. I spent years hung up on what I was struggling with and not focusing on what I was good at. Don’t make that mistake of over-analysing yourself! Good luck to any newly diagnosed people.
I had suspicions for my entire life that I was different, and nothing really clicked with me. A couple of years ago, as a full adult, it was suggested to me that my meltdowns might be autistic meltdowns. I did a lot of research, watched videos on female-patterned autism, kept journals of my feelings etc and did a lot of observation of myself. I decided I could consider myself autistic for a bit and see how it felt. The relief was immediate when I started taking care of my sensory needs and my meltdowns with methods commonly used by autistic people. I noticed a lot of things about myself. I live in Texas in the US which is not known for its forward-thinking, diagnosis is insanely expensive and I have other financial needs, and women are not likely to be diagnosed near me with low to moderate support needs. So I haven't been diagnosed yet. But taking care of myself like I have been diagnosed has drastically changed my mental health and needs, as well.
When I first suspected that I was autistic I went on a deep dive. After seven years of suspicion I got my answer, I am autistic. I got diagnosed last week and I cried in front of the psychologist, I told him I would cry either way. If they said I was not I would feel worse and want to know what is wrong with me. I am now dealing with imposter syndrome, I keep thinking that maybe he got it wrong, maybe I am not autistic? Not sure if anyone can relate but I am dealing with so much denial and it hurts a bit. I always knew I am autistic and hearing that I actually am for the first time feels like a punch in the face. It explains why I am so bad at conversations and cannot keep a friend for the life of me. It also hurts that there are so many people who just does not understand what autism is and I have to constantly deal with "you do not seem/act/look autistic." "You need to change your way of thinking." Just feels like another curve I need to learn.
I felt like it finally made sense but was also heartbroken because why me. Why was I autistic. I was raised to see it in a bad light and am struggling even now with my asd girl because I’m like why me why is my child autistic. There’s a bittersweet feeling. I love knowing because it makes things make sense and I can finally start to unmask as an adult but why.
i was diagnosed when i was pretty young because i had some really severe symptom. i couldn’t eat most things because of texture, always wore the same clothes, barely showered, etc, etc. i always thought i was just weird, but when i got diagnosed i felt better that i wasn’t the only person on the planet experiencing this.
I was really happy because I finally felt like my bullies weren't justified in their actions. Before I heard about my diagnosis, I thought I deserved to get bullied because I was weird without an explanation, and my parents just told me that I am sensitive.
I actually felt some relief, though it was bittersweet. I had a moment where everything just.. clicked. Years of struggles finally started to make some semblance of sense. But then I had to deal with what I was taught others would say and that kept me from being open about it for a few months. Once I realized I didn't want to care about that and I'd rather be free to not worry about masking as much, I told my friends and family.
Happy and releaved
Hmmm.... Hard to describe tbh. I got diagnosed with ADHD at 3-4yo and went to a specialized school during my whole childhood. I was already loving my ADHD when I found out that I was autistic in early 2023. (Took me 2 months to self diagnosis and conclude that the chance that I was autistic where very strong) It explained so many things, even my antisocial behavior that I ended up doubting about my ASPD 🫠 but overall it was just like "okay I'm autistic that's fun" finally I got officially diagnosed in January this year. The most disturbing thing is mostly unmasking for me. I spent my whole life masking because it was a matter of death or life.... I feel so vulnerable now... Unmasking was hard and it's still hard for me....
Diagnosed at age 58. I think if I could have known when I was younger, I might have liked myself better. I've gone through my life believing I am an unlikable person who deserves everything bad that comes my way.
Some relief, but mostly depression. While I now know the reason for my past struggles, tragedies, and triumphs - I also know that if I had been diagnosed much earlier in life, I could have structured my life in such a way that my wild success could have been much more common and extended - if not stitched together into a cohesive streak; and I could have avoided ALL of my disasters. OTOH, I also would have never had a family or good friends (which never allows me time to focus which is my superpower), and I probably would have been pretty lonely. In a perfect world, I'd have focused and sacrificed long enough to make enough money to coast the rest of my life, THEN had a family. (A luxury I acknowledge having as a man.)
Relieved at least I know what I am.
I (38 F) self diagnosed after some research after a soft diagnosis by a disability service center person at my college some years ago. Everything made sense, but I didn't really want it to be true because in a sense it would mean my entire life, everything around me and everything I tried to be, was bullshit... Got formally diagnosed a few days ago and I'm angry I never knew because my life would have gone so differently. I feel like I am free to trust myself now and to do what I want and be who I am instead of keep "trying" to be whatever other people think I should be.