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Hmm, do you make it clear what you want from the beginning?
I see so many guys have very vague profiles with what they want or will say “figuring out”. If that’s what your profile says, you’re not attracting girls that want a relationship. When guys match me online but their intentions of a relationship are vague, even if I like their profile and find them attractive, I unmatch them.
I feel like girls get scared if I tell them I want a relationship right off the bat. I think figuring out is quite fair because you can only have a relationship with the right one.
Yeah the ones that don’t want a relationship will be scared. The ones that want one will align and move forward. Youre attracting the scared of relationship ones and then asking reddit why you’re meeting ones that don’t want relationships.
I have taken a long hiatus on dating for almost 2 and a half years and I really miss having someone to be on my side. I don’t think I can be fully healed for the rest of my life and I have to live with it. It took me a lot of courage to finally get back out in the game. I guess no one is fully ready when it comes to relationships.
Yes, just be intentional about dating. If you don't want to hookup then don't. I used to be open to hooking up or relationships if it worked out that way, now I don't even entertain hookups. No point in investing my time and energy into someone who doesn't want what I want. Sure, sex is fun but I have had enough casual sex personally, and I know I want something more. I'm ok being single until I meet the right person because I love myself and am not interested in anything that isn't going to make my existing life better.
I am literally in the same boat but I feel like if I completely closed the door for hookup then no one would want to meet me at all. I feel like if I don’t offer sex then people won’t find me fun and won’t want to even go on dates with me. :(
Hah dude if you’re getting hookups, you’re obviously attractive. Don’t worry about it. Also the gym is a great place to meet people! Use social media too for local events.
No offense at all, but it sounds like you are knowingly insecure, maybe you should get some help from a therapist? You shouldn't need people to go on dates with you all the time. Can't you hang out by yourself or with friends? Like the other guy said if people want to hook up with you, you're attractive. Don't be insecure because they just want to sleep around. That's their problem, not yours.
Ok, but it sounds like you may have issues with your confidence and insecurity. Do you see how some might see that and not be attracted to it? There's nothing wrong with being emotional but if this is really eating at you, I repeat- go to therapy. You're a 27 year old guy, why not try it.
i could say the exact same thing about guys!
i think its more a problem with “hookup culture” and “situationships” there’s both guys and girls who dont wanna settle down for various reasons and for those who do it can be hard to meet people other than bars or dating apps. like men dont wanna approach girls for fear of rejection and coming off as creepy, and women dont wanna approach men bc they want men to approach them.
it’s difficult but at the end of the day, guy or girl, if you wanna settle down just try and put yourself out there in all different ways and if you meet someone you wanna date make your intentions clear at the start. theres gonna be a lot of rejection and ghosting but that’s unfortunately just how things are these days
exactly!!! ive found that in a lot of situationships one person really likes the other and wants something serious with the other doesnt but wants to keep them around for convenience/sex/still talk to other people 🙃 truly sad
On dating apps people can now indicate what they're looking for. Last I checked about 80% of women said they were looking for something serious / long-term. So honestly, I don't know what you're on about. Maybe you're bad at advertising for that audience. Maybe you don't vet women before meeting them. Do you ask them what they're looking for before you meet them and have sex with them?
Sexual compatibility is of course also important. If they think that type of sex you enjoy isn't good for them - then it's pointless to meet you again. Why form a relationship with a guy when you're not sexually compatible?
Could be. Maybe a better approach is to clarify what you're looking for and ask them how they feel about that. On average, women are more interested in commitment than men are. Studies by David Buss shows this in cross-cultural surveys (read his book: the evolution of desire) So honestly, you will turn a lot of women ON by saying you're looking for something serious
Women are so interested in commitment that some men who just want casual sex lie and pretend they want something serious too, just to get into a woman's pants.
You should have "looking for long-term" clearly displayed on your profile. Unmatch women who don't seem to be on the same page.
I think you should definitely be upfront about what you’re looking for. People who are ready won’t be afraid of these conversations. And, older women by 2-3 years wouldn’t be a bad idea if you’re open to that. They may be looking for a serious boyfriend. And you don’t need to use the word serious, you can say you want a girlfriend and talk about the kinds of experiences you want with the person - travel, dates, deep conversations and fun. Say it with honesty and without fear.
I think this means she’s open to long term with the right person and doesn’t want the wrong person to think if it goes all the way that means she wants a relationship
That’s a legit question I ended dating guys before because the sex was so bad (for different reasons), but I didn’t want to crush their ego and didn’t tell them that’s the main reason.
Yeah, usually when women have sex and they enjoy it - they’d want to come back for more. Usually women have an oxytocin release which is a bonding hormone, which is why some of them get attached to terrible dudes. There’s something more that’s happening here.
1/ Do you go to therapy? How in touch with your own emotions are you? Do you feel good when you go on these dates?
2/ How in touch with your body are you? Do you do yoga or dance or anything else physical that needs you to be in touch with your body?
Journal. Explore yourself. Your sexuality, your emotions and your mind all are connected. And sex is also about being present. Enjoying the other person. Enjoying yourself. It’s actually a fun thing. So I’m surprised you’re not enjoying the hook ups while they happen.
Don’t hook up unless you feel like it. Don’t do anything because you think that’s what will get you someone. Listen to your heart, your body and your instincts. The point of living is to live and enjoy things!
Most people meeting at bars and clubs intend to have ONS. If you’re having sex on the first date, that might also indicate that you’re in for casual, not relationship. What are you doing to show you are interested in a relationship not a ONS?
The range is between 20-30. Some were still in school some working women. I don’t have a specific type that I am looking for. I want someone whom I can connect and do something fun together
What’s your go to for first dates? Dinner? Coffee?
I’d suggest being more selective specifically with age and experience. You’re looking for a life partner, not a college gf to party with. Maybe cap the youngest you’ll go as 24-25. Most young women are focusing on school and getting their first jobs/internships (especially in this economy) at 20-24.
You have some stats on most people meeting at bars and clubs intend to have ONS? I dont think thats the case for most.
We used to meet that way and date before the internet.
On the dating app, you can set your relationship status as “looking for long term relationship” or “marriage”. Observing from my female friends, they all prefer to have a serious relationship and not casual.
Clubs and bars are probably not the best place to look for girls who are looking for serious relationship…. I think even meetups would be a better place to meet people in general
I say, just communicate what it is you’re actually looking for. If they get scared off by you saying you’re actually looking for something serious then you don’t want those kind of women anyways cause your plans don’t align. You want to scare those one off.
It’s tough finding someone who wants to settle in this Hook up culture but you definitely won’t be meeting girls who want to settle in the bars and clubs..
You can go from fwb to bf/gf right, i think a lot of people just prioritize sexual chemistry and then look at personality. She will have to fuck you two months first before she can decide if your relationship material ( woman commit slowly and are fickle, good sex is the hooker). Ohw and stop being insecure or needy, just fuck, it kills womans attraction, if she wants more you will know.
The girl starts the conversation ( or she will give u hints, like desiring to introduce you to her friends, or a thought out gift on your birthday), again you can't be needing anything as a guy, you need to be happy with yourself. It needs to grow organically and the desire needs to come from the woman and then you decide if she is worth your time. I tried it the other way around and it just doesn't work, they will lose attraction every time. What you read in books and see in movies doesn't exist, it just opens you up to manipulative kinds of woman and heartbreak.
On dating apps ur able to put what you’re looking for. Example, “long term, short term, figuring it out, etc.” so I guess if their profile is vague and they don’t really indicate what they’re looking for just ask them. I’ve done it multiple times, and they’re usually able to tell me straight up if they want a relationship, something casual, or just a ONS. Also maybe you should start communicating with the people you match with what YOU’RE looking for.
There are a lot of more insightful responses here. But I suspect it has to do with the "perception of choice" which is exacerbated by the apps. There is a lot of good (healthy) noise being made about boundaries, finding a mate that suits you, but that, paired with the perception of choices means people now rarely feel like they need to try to make things work?
Communicate. Let them know on your first date that you are looking for something serious at this point in your life. The ones who are not will at the least be vocal about it and end and the ones who are in a similar mindset will stay maybe
I mean tbf you still hit 95% of men do not seem to get remotely close I want you to realize that.
Most girls pursue fun because they have bad role models (ice spice, cardi b, nicki minaj etc) and I assume you hook up chicks in their 20/21/22/23 range so (prime) of their life so they rather pursue fun rather than finding something special until they are ran through and are 29/30/31 years old now.
It is tough to find something good but honestly man hooking up with girls is a top 5% of men skill.
There could be some truth to it because I just recently dated a 22F and she gave me a “I don’t really care about anything because I am young and hot” vibe.
I would be weary of any platitudes that say "all women are like this or that". It's not true. There are plenty of people like this and you will meet them but there are also people with different priorities.
Apps, bars, clubs tend to attract pretty shallow/unserious people. Just change your strategy to more wholesome places like clubs/org, bookstores, grocery stores, mutual friends, formal events, etc. They’re out there!
Literally all the people at work are not my age and not datable. I haven’t joined a club ever since college and I don’t even know where else to begin with.
The best thing would be to only swipe right on girls who have relationship mentioned on their profiles. And avoid directly going on dates with them, for example you text them and end up meeting in 7 days or less.
The ones really interested for dating will want to know more about you and you build that bond of attachment in initial phase. Text them, be up for calls. The ones who just want hook up won’t be up for texting or even being interested on you. So it’s easy to filter this way.
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Hmm, do you make it clear what you want from the beginning? I see so many guys have very vague profiles with what they want or will say “figuring out”. If that’s what your profile says, you’re not attracting girls that want a relationship. When guys match me online but their intentions of a relationship are vague, even if I like their profile and find them attractive, I unmatch them.
I feel like girls get scared if I tell them I want a relationship right off the bat. I think figuring out is quite fair because you can only have a relationship with the right one.
Yeah the ones that don’t want a relationship will be scared. The ones that want one will align and move forward. Youre attracting the scared of relationship ones and then asking reddit why you’re meeting ones that don’t want relationships.
I somehow attract a lot of traumatized/divorced women. Tbh, I am also traumatized because my ex cheated on me so many times
Then maybe you’re not ready for a relationship. Take time to heal and revisit your trauma.
I have taken a long hiatus on dating for almost 2 and a half years and I really miss having someone to be on my side. I don’t think I can be fully healed for the rest of my life and I have to live with it. It took me a lot of courage to finally get back out in the game. I guess no one is fully ready when it comes to relationships.
> I feel like girls get scared if I tell them I want a relationship right off the bat. Those are the ones you *want* to scare off.
Yes, just be intentional about dating. If you don't want to hookup then don't. I used to be open to hooking up or relationships if it worked out that way, now I don't even entertain hookups. No point in investing my time and energy into someone who doesn't want what I want. Sure, sex is fun but I have had enough casual sex personally, and I know I want something more. I'm ok being single until I meet the right person because I love myself and am not interested in anything that isn't going to make my existing life better.
I am literally in the same boat but I feel like if I completely closed the door for hookup then no one would want to meet me at all. I feel like if I don’t offer sex then people won’t find me fun and won’t want to even go on dates with me. :(
Hah dude if you’re getting hookups, you’re obviously attractive. Don’t worry about it. Also the gym is a great place to meet people! Use social media too for local events.
No offense at all, but it sounds like you are knowingly insecure, maybe you should get some help from a therapist? You shouldn't need people to go on dates with you all the time. Can't you hang out by yourself or with friends? Like the other guy said if people want to hook up with you, you're attractive. Don't be insecure because they just want to sleep around. That's their problem, not yours.
I am always scared that people find me boring after a while. I honestly want to cry because no one stays for me. :(
Ok, but it sounds like you may have issues with your confidence and insecurity. Do you see how some might see that and not be attracted to it? There's nothing wrong with being emotional but if this is really eating at you, I repeat- go to therapy. You're a 27 year old guy, why not try it.
i could say the exact same thing about guys! i think its more a problem with “hookup culture” and “situationships” there’s both guys and girls who dont wanna settle down for various reasons and for those who do it can be hard to meet people other than bars or dating apps. like men dont wanna approach girls for fear of rejection and coming off as creepy, and women dont wanna approach men bc they want men to approach them. it’s difficult but at the end of the day, guy or girl, if you wanna settle down just try and put yourself out there in all different ways and if you meet someone you wanna date make your intentions clear at the start. theres gonna be a lot of rejection and ghosting but that’s unfortunately just how things are these days
I hate situationships. If both people like each other, why don’t they give their 100% and see if it can work.
exactly!!! ive found that in a lot of situationships one person really likes the other and wants something serious with the other doesnt but wants to keep them around for convenience/sex/still talk to other people 🙃 truly sad
On dating apps people can now indicate what they're looking for. Last I checked about 80% of women said they were looking for something serious / long-term. So honestly, I don't know what you're on about. Maybe you're bad at advertising for that audience. Maybe you don't vet women before meeting them. Do you ask them what they're looking for before you meet them and have sex with them? Sexual compatibility is of course also important. If they think that type of sex you enjoy isn't good for them - then it's pointless to meet you again. Why form a relationship with a guy when you're not sexually compatible?
Most girls that I matched have short term/long term at the same time and I don’t even know what it means
Ask them 👍
I feel like if I ask them it will be a turn off
Could be. Maybe a better approach is to clarify what you're looking for and ask them how they feel about that. On average, women are more interested in commitment than men are. Studies by David Buss shows this in cross-cultural surveys (read his book: the evolution of desire) So honestly, you will turn a lot of women ON by saying you're looking for something serious Women are so interested in commitment that some men who just want casual sex lie and pretend they want something serious too, just to get into a woman's pants. You should have "looking for long-term" clearly displayed on your profile. Unmatch women who don't seem to be on the same page.
I feel like GenZ are so not into commitment. Dated couple of them, their values are so messed up(not just relationships wise but everything else)
I think you should definitely be upfront about what you’re looking for. People who are ready won’t be afraid of these conversations. And, older women by 2-3 years wouldn’t be a bad idea if you’re open to that. They may be looking for a serious boyfriend. And you don’t need to use the word serious, you can say you want a girlfriend and talk about the kinds of experiences you want with the person - travel, dates, deep conversations and fun. Say it with honesty and without fear.
I think this means she’s open to long term with the right person and doesn’t want the wrong person to think if it goes all the way that means she wants a relationship
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I am not super active on dating apps, maybe you are right.
Mostly serious, are you bad in bed?
That’s a legit question I ended dating guys before because the sex was so bad (for different reasons), but I didn’t want to crush their ego and didn’t tell them that’s the main reason.
I guess I am okay but at this age, sex is no longer the highest priority and I don’t want a Fwb
Yeah, usually when women have sex and they enjoy it - they’d want to come back for more. Usually women have an oxytocin release which is a bonding hormone, which is why some of them get attached to terrible dudes. There’s something more that’s happening here. 1/ Do you go to therapy? How in touch with your own emotions are you? Do you feel good when you go on these dates? 2/ How in touch with your body are you? Do you do yoga or dance or anything else physical that needs you to be in touch with your body? Journal. Explore yourself. Your sexuality, your emotions and your mind all are connected. And sex is also about being present. Enjoying the other person. Enjoying yourself. It’s actually a fun thing. So I’m surprised you’re not enjoying the hook ups while they happen. Don’t hook up unless you feel like it. Don’t do anything because you think that’s what will get you someone. Listen to your heart, your body and your instincts. The point of living is to live and enjoy things!
Most people meeting at bars and clubs intend to have ONS. If you’re having sex on the first date, that might also indicate that you’re in for casual, not relationship. What are you doing to show you are interested in a relationship not a ONS?
I tried not to have sex with them the first time and then follow up. But it still ends up with the same result.
What are you doing for the first dates? And what type of women do you typically pursue? (like age range, career, etc)
The range is between 20-30. Some were still in school some working women. I don’t have a specific type that I am looking for. I want someone whom I can connect and do something fun together
What’s your go to for first dates? Dinner? Coffee? I’d suggest being more selective specifically with age and experience. You’re looking for a life partner, not a college gf to party with. Maybe cap the youngest you’ll go as 24-25. Most young women are focusing on school and getting their first jobs/internships (especially in this economy) at 20-24.
You have some stats on most people meeting at bars and clubs intend to have ONS? I dont think thats the case for most. We used to meet that way and date before the internet.
maybe your sex game is wack?
Maybe not turn dates into quick hookups? If you want something serious, jumping into bed with them doesn't give that impression.
On the dating app, you can set your relationship status as “looking for long term relationship” or “marriage”. Observing from my female friends, they all prefer to have a serious relationship and not casual. Clubs and bars are probably not the best place to look for girls who are looking for serious relationship…. I think even meetups would be a better place to meet people in general
Are u in therapy? Sounds like you need it based on your other comments
Wdym? I have never been in a therapy before
Did you follow up with them?
I do want. Just havnt met the right. Or maybe I have, but don’t know him good enough YET. In other cases it’s because he’s just not the eight guy.
Wait a few dates before hooking up? If they want casual they won't go for a second date
I say, just communicate what it is you’re actually looking for. If they get scared off by you saying you’re actually looking for something serious then you don’t want those kind of women anyways cause your plans don’t align. You want to scare those one off. It’s tough finding someone who wants to settle in this Hook up culture but you definitely won’t be meeting girls who want to settle in the bars and clubs..
Relations+✅ vs Relationships ❌🚫...???
April fools?
You can go from fwb to bf/gf right, i think a lot of people just prioritize sexual chemistry and then look at personality. She will have to fuck you two months first before she can decide if your relationship material ( woman commit slowly and are fickle, good sex is the hooker). Ohw and stop being insecure or needy, just fuck, it kills womans attraction, if she wants more you will know.
I feel like there is a massive barrier between Fwb and bf/gf. Starting that conversation is really hard. I don’t want the good thing to fall apart
The girl starts the conversation ( or she will give u hints, like desiring to introduce you to her friends, or a thought out gift on your birthday), again you can't be needing anything as a guy, you need to be happy with yourself. It needs to grow organically and the desire needs to come from the woman and then you decide if she is worth your time. I tried it the other way around and it just doesn't work, they will lose attraction every time. What you read in books and see in movies doesn't exist, it just opens you up to manipulative kinds of woman and heartbreak.
Oh lord. This is so hard and I am about to wave the white flag. I am so confused with women.
Its not hard, just start fucking them with no strings attached, they will let you know after two months.
Bro at the end of the day, did you have memories. Take things lightly, when you're in your 50s. Those were the best times
On dating apps ur able to put what you’re looking for. Example, “long term, short term, figuring it out, etc.” so I guess if their profile is vague and they don’t really indicate what they’re looking for just ask them. I’ve done it multiple times, and they’re usually able to tell me straight up if they want a relationship, something casual, or just a ONS. Also maybe you should start communicating with the people you match with what YOU’RE looking for.
There are a lot of more insightful responses here. But I suspect it has to do with the "perception of choice" which is exacerbated by the apps. There is a lot of good (healthy) noise being made about boundaries, finding a mate that suits you, but that, paired with the perception of choices means people now rarely feel like they need to try to make things work?
Communicate. Let them know on your first date that you are looking for something serious at this point in your life. The ones who are not will at the least be vocal about it and end and the ones who are in a similar mindset will stay maybe
I mean tbf you still hit 95% of men do not seem to get remotely close I want you to realize that. Most girls pursue fun because they have bad role models (ice spice, cardi b, nicki minaj etc) and I assume you hook up chicks in their 20/21/22/23 range so (prime) of their life so they rather pursue fun rather than finding something special until they are ran through and are 29/30/31 years old now. It is tough to find something good but honestly man hooking up with girls is a top 5% of men skill.
I guess I should date women in their mid/late 20s
But they might be ran through and unworthy
In what parallel universe do you live in that women are into ONS’s?
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There could be some truth to it because I just recently dated a 22F and she gave me a “I don’t really care about anything because I am young and hot” vibe.
I would be weary of any platitudes that say "all women are like this or that". It's not true. There are plenty of people like this and you will meet them but there are also people with different priorities.
They are strong, independent boss babes. They don’t need no man!
I honestly met so many of them
Apps, bars, clubs tend to attract pretty shallow/unserious people. Just change your strategy to more wholesome places like clubs/org, bookstores, grocery stores, mutual friends, formal events, etc. They’re out there!
What do you like doing, dude? Do that. And figure out social events around that.
Literally all the people at work are not my age and not datable. I haven’t joined a club ever since college and I don’t even know where else to begin with.
Meetup.com and Eventbrite are great resources.
They are not popular at where I live :(
Have you checked? Meetup is pretty widespread.
I did.
Well the rest still apply: get involved/volunteering, bookstores, coffee shops, festivals, any place people congregate!
Will give it a go. Thanks for the advice bud!
You just not meet that girl yet. Keep going. I believe someday you will meet her.
The best thing would be to only swipe right on girls who have relationship mentioned on their profiles. And avoid directly going on dates with them, for example you text them and end up meeting in 7 days or less. The ones really interested for dating will want to know more about you and you build that bond of attachment in initial phase. Text them, be up for calls. The ones who just want hook up won’t be up for texting or even being interested on you. So it’s easy to filter this way.
I dont operate like this and I am not a texting person due to the nature of my job. Believe it or not, I find it way harder to text and talk in person
If you don’t text or call, you will never be able to build the connection. And you will keep on attracting the wrong crowd. Women love consistency.