Want my advice?
Forget it.
The guy loves you and you were his first meaningful and valued experience.
Do you want to be happy or do you want to be 'right'?
100%. Depending on how you define virginity FOR MEN I can give you very different answers as to when I lost mine. It’s kind of a weird social construct in some ways. I wouldn’t sweat it.
THIS.
As a dude who was pressured into his first time by the woman who I was dating, who was also somewhat drunk (I was also 21...late bloomer), looking back, I simply went through the motions until we finished.
I didn't consider my "first time" until the next woman, whom I fell completely in love with.
See, I’m kinda like guy in OP post. I have had sex but I did not enjoy it because the person it was with I did not actual love. The opportunity just presented itself. I hated it. I hated it so much I threw up afterwards.
I can’t even remember what it felt like anymore, I just know I was disgusted and don’t even remember anything about it I just know it happened.
I wish I saved it for someone I actually loved but oh well. Assuming I get with someone again and I actually love them, the whole experience would basically be like me losing it again because 1) it’s been 7 years since I lost it and don’t remember how it felt physically 2) first time was horrible (once again, just know I hated it) 3) I have no experience outside of this one encounter.
So, to me, it would be like losing it again, but the proper way. I agree with your comment. Forget it.
To him it probably feels like he truly did lose his virginity to OP.
I think I will just let him say/believe what he wants to, but it’s not that I want to be “right”, in fact I wish he was right. It’s more so that I don’t want him to run from his past or lie to himself to make him feel better if that’s not the healthy thing to do. I don’t know, is it healthier to try to get him to accept what happened or allow him to say/think what he wants? That’s what I struggle with.
And I also don’t want it to turn into a situation where every time he makes a mistake (especially in our relationship), he just tries to twist the truth in his head to make himself feel better or convince me/other people of something else. I think it’s pretty harmless in this case as long as it’s healthy for him, but if he applied it in other cases I think it could be hurtful
I get what you mean in your last paragraph, you don’t want to be with someone who does a lot of mental gymnastics in their head to delude themselves/avoid reality (honestly him being obsessed with you this whole time is a bit of a red flag to me like, there’s admiring/loving someone and then there’s being obsessed with them…) but like you say in this particular context, it is understandable as like, if someone was raped, we wouldn’t consider that their first time so this can be taken in the same vein. Perhaps it’s an orange flag to keep an eye on.
Yes that’s exactly it, and that’s how I phrased it to him too, “mental gymnastics”. Like you said, I think it’s harmless and I feel like it’s sweet and I know he means it in a good way, but I wouldn’t want him to think that he can use this as a coping mechanism for other mistakes in life. I don’t want this to be him kind of avoiding what happened instead of actually processing it and learning from it and accepting his decisions
Personally I think you're raising pretty good points here. In your post it didn't really transpire what you actually seem to mean. He should come to grips with the truth. Definitely. However I would only try to raise the discussion from a loving approach. Like you were saying. You understand his point and you reciprocate his feelings but you don't want him to lie to himself about things. Embellishing facts. Definitely wouldn't insist too much too. But he could talk to someone about it, a professional maybe, if he doesn't feel like he wants to drop it on a person he knows and regrets those past choices. In short Give him something to think about but be there to support him
Thank you, I think that’s a good idea too. If I do bring it up, I’ll be sure to be gentle and make sure he’s in the mood to talk about it, but if not, I will just let him believe what’s comforting to him
Seems like you're making up bad future scenarios and dwelling on "what ifs" instead of living in the moment.
If something like that does happen in the future then you'll have to deal with it. But making up scenarios in your head about it isn't good for anyone.
Something to keep in mind, that if those things were mildly traumatic for him, doing what he’s doing literally *is* him working on it. He’s taking the power back, he’s reframing it, he’s replacing negative experiences with positive ones to empower him on that subject. He might be repeating it a lot and that might make you a big uncomfortable, because it is literally him allowing his brain to rewire that trauma. It’s like if someone is scared of spiders, so when they think of spiders they say out loud ‘spiders help keep mosquitoes away and I appreciate that’, even if it’s a bit awkward to say out loud. It’s
Related share:
Not the same way, but I did this after losing my V card in a disempowering way- I wouldn’t say I lost it at a different time, but it depends on what people define as virginity too, cause I either lost it to a girl when I was 13 cause she gave me an orgasm, or a douch at 22, where I never o’d, or did I lose my virginity when my hymen broke after doing the splits at high speed in gymnastics? Why does the penetration matter more?
Sounds like you feel uncomfortable that others might learn you "took his virginity". This entire post is about you as this guy seems loving and genuine.
"what other people might think" should not be a significant factor in your dating life. There are only two of you in the relationship, so why are you allowing more than two opinions to matter for it?
"Yeah he says he feels like I am the one who really took his virginity, isnt that the sweetest?"
Sets you and him up perfectly to anyone who asks. U thinking how this could reflect poorly really needs to stop.
I have, but he’s changed A LOT especially in the past year. When he was going through his “phase” (a year ago) he was a really bad person and constantly justified leading girls on and hurting people when we would call him out. He honestly did use excuses to justify his bad behaviors and make himself feel better back then. I would have never dated him then.
But this year he did a lot of reflecting and working on himself and he truly has changed I think, that’s why I decided to give him a chance. He’s becoming the person he used to be again. He says he’s disgusted by his past and how he used to act and think, and that it was because of bad influences and substances. But sometimes I still worry. I know that’ll just get better with trust and time. Plus I’ve only ever known him as a friend, it feels different being with him romantically and involving my heart. This is also his first relationship so I don’t really know how he will act since I’ve never seen him in one, I just have to learn as I go
Now, I can definitely understand your concerns after you explain it more. It could be a situation where he’s trying to justify his past actions, but would think it’s more likely that you have given this man his first experience of making a physical connection to someone that you’re in love with, which is something special.
I would say to be aware of him doing this if he does something wrong, but coming from someone who has felt the same before, I think, in this case, it may be pretty innocent. That’s so true about things getting better with trust and time. None of us can tell you not to worry because it’s your heart, but when you do, try to think about his overall changes and the trust you’ve built so far and if they outweigh your worries.
I think you two are in the beginning stages of a great relationship but it’s also good that you’re mindful of the behaviors you have to watch out for. Wishing you the best
Have you considered that maybe he had gay sex and that he feels that different than what he had with you? Or maybe he feels like he was abused? I know my ex had gotten raped/abused when she was 9. But she always said she lost her virginity at 16 and I believed her.
Or this is a massive red flag. So was he raped previously or not? If he was raped then he can in a sense say he is a virgin and your whole point stands pretty well. But if not then it sounds sort of like he’s trying to force this to sound better. “Well I did smash other people but those don’t count because I didn’t love them like you so I’m still a virgin.” Bro that’s not how that works and the fact that you’re trying to force something that isn’t true has me concerned.
Not to mention OP is not a virgin. So what does it matter to OP if her bf is? What is he saying about OPs own sexual history? It’s just an incredibly immature thing to push across. I guess it’s par for their age.
He doesn’t feel like he was raped/SA’d every time, only a few of the times when he felt pressured into it by the other person. But other than that he just felt pressured by himself and by being under the influence from what I know
In the old fashioned way I would say that he had sex before, but you are the first he made love to.
Obviously he need to feel that way for his own sake,dont take it away from him, even if its not technically truth.
Wtf you want from my man. If someone tells me that I would be in tears that I made someone feel so special and could help improve their experience. Just accept that compliment god damn
Let him define virginity for himself, the meaning of the term is very fluid and only in recent years came to mean has not had penetrative PIV sex. My first time was rape, I consider myself a virgin after that. People who have sex that isn’t penetrative obviously aren’t virgins just because they have sex in other ways than PIV. Let it go.
I mean, sex with you and you yourself feel so special to him, why would you not just take it as a nice thing and a compliment and leave it at that? Challenging him on it is just very unnecessary and cruel
I personally feel this whole argument is absolute BS, him being obsessed with you is what most girls want, and you want to basically accuse him of something that makes him unhappy, I say just move on from this topic and live a happy life with him.
The man feels like he is reborn and had sex for the first time because it’s so special and magical with you. and here you are questioning his feelings because you want to be right so bad. if a female told me in this darn age i love you like i never loved before, i wouldn’t question that. even though she has been in love before, i would accept the compliment and feel proud.
It's very weird way of talking. Usually u only here male/female in health or scientific context only.
Generally people tend to use consistent nomenclature when talking about things. I've been seeing a lot of people say females lately and it's weird af
That would only work as a comeback if I was like
"I get a say in other people, but you don't"
Which isn't what happened 😐
Also, irony isn't just "anything that disagrees with me"
After reading it again, I'm assuming he used man as a more personal term referring to the OPs "man" and used female in a more broad and general aspect.
It does address your question, "man" is used in referring to a specific person and he uses "female" as a more broad scope, not everyone uses specific terms with malicious intent, woman and female are interchangeable.
not projecting, i've just heard this argument before "why are you using female instead of woman... it's because men use female in a condescending manner" it's so tiring
I also said he uses it to encompass a broad scope... read
so u hearing that argument from someone who isnt me has something to do with me because...?
Also ur just restating ur postition. im asking you to expand on it. justify it. explain WHY it would be a good use of the term to use in a broad sense. Maybe read my initial question again:
**"In what way does female encompass a broad scope?"**
I definitely am proud and it made me really happy when he first told me and I’ve always tried to make it a safe space for him because of his past. I just wanted to know if other people think this is a healthy way of coping with his past, and if I should let him say/believe this
He is the one who gets to decide how he copes with his past, not you, and certainly not strangers on reddit. It really is not a big deal at all, it's not like he isn't aware he had sex in the past, it sounds like he was just trying to emphasize how much more special it felt with you.
I don't think this is your decision or anyone else's, virginity is a social construct, men don't have anything that defines it and women's "virginity" can be lost by working out hard or riding a bike, and etc. TW but if a r.pe victim said they were a virgin (not saying he is one if it was all consensual but he was obviously not comfortable in these situations and feels pressured as you said) I would just say "okay" and move on.
If you talk to any therapist they will tell you: it’s THEIR healing journey. If they get to a point where they change their labels that’s on them. You trying to force it makes it so much harder
Let him define it for himself, people do that all the time. Gay men define anal as losing their vcard, lesbians define oral/fingering as losing their vcard. Then for myself, i dont believe i lost my virginity at 10 when I was SA even if thats the "objective truth".
He is happy and comfortable with you, please do not take that from him. Also maybe apologize.
"I created a safe space for my boyfriend to be comfortable and vulnerable with me and HE ACTUALLY USED IT ick"
Virginity's not really something for you to define for others. In school I knew many victims of rape who didn't consider the assault as losing their virginity. Homeboy's much the same - if he was always under the influence of an intoxicant and never felt comfortable/always felt pressured to have sex, then homie has been SA'd because he could not/did not give consent. Back up and accept the compliment in that he felt safe with you and didn't feel coerced.
This is why alot of guys don’t just become emotionally vulnerable to their girlfriends just because they’re told to. There are certain topics some women don’t want to hear Guys share with them and virginity is certainly one of them, because it will in fact shift the entire dynamic of the relationship. I guarantee once OP’s partner finds out how much it’s bothering her he won’t open up about anything again.
I am happy I was able to be a safe space for him, I will say he was pressured into it by 2 of the girls,but the other 2 he says he felt pressured by himself. He says he feels like he raped himself by pressuring himself to have sex and not be a virgin and all that (societal pressure), and because he was always high and made bad decisions, so he doesn’t feel like his first was rape, moreso that he raped himself because he felt he pressured himself
Homeboy has been raped, point-blank. If he was unable to give consent (intoxicated) or reluctantly gave consent (coercion) then he was raped. Full-stop.
Virginity is a completely made up social construct. Let him live his truth. If someone were SA’d and still wanted to identify as a virgin, who would you be to tell them that they can’t? This is obviously different but there is a parallel.
My first kiss was not consensual, my then boyfriend just kissed me in a car when it was dark and I couldn't pull away. For the longest time it pissed me that my first kiss was stolen from me. We broke up soon after that so I didn't kiss him after.
Fast forward the first kiss with my college boyfriend was so passionate and in the 'moment'. I crushed on him for so long and when it finally happened I was over the moon. I still like to think that's my first kiss, and reminisce about that moment.
That might be the case with him too. If anything being with you is so special to him, and is him 'honorary' first sex.
Its basically the same for me (23) and my gf (23), but I am the person in your bfs pov. Objectively I have lost my virginity much earlier, but it was casual sex and didn’t mean a lot to me emotionally. But when I had sex with her the first time, it wasn’t just sex, it felt much more like making love. It was beautiful and I wont ever forget it, and that’s what makes me feel like I lost my virginity right there, with the person I love. I also talked to her about that, and she’s happy I feel that way. I wouldn’t mind if she disagrees with me like you do with your bf, why does anybody care about virginity anyways.
Don't be cruel and mess with how he feels. If that's his genuine interpretation then that's his reality. You can't project how you feel onto him telling you something from his heart. He loves you. As someone with unfortunate past experiences I know exactly what he's talking about.
I mean he was uncomfortable, felt pressured, and under the influence during other encounters…
I see it the same way victims reclaim their sexuality. If a person is assaulted they usually don’t consider that sex.. because it wasn’t, it was assault. Him being so uncomfortable with his past sounds like a coping mechanism, trying to reclaim in sexuality in a positive way thanks to you. I wouldn’t try to change that. I get it can be hard knowing that you’re not his first in reality, but I would just focus on his reclaimed reality. Virginity don’t matter anyway and is a social value.
Imagine having someone in your life who loves you so much that he's redefined his worldview around being able to be with you and have sex with you and your only concern is the semantics around the word "virginity".
The guy waited 5 years to be with you and your concern is vocabulary..
Understand how lucky you are to have someone who loves you in the first place.
Being in the lobby of the empire state building doesn't count as having gone to the empire state building, ppl don't go to the empire state building to be in the lobby, they go there to go to the roof. He went on the roof with you and he's happy. Take the win (yeah i get that from how i met your mother)
I think that your right, technically. Even if he didn’t feel an emotional connection if he’s already had sexual experience, he’s not a virgin. But I just don’t think that it’s a substitute enough issue that it’s worth fighting over like what exactly are you hoping to accomplish by changing his mind how does him believing that negatively impact your relationship. I would just drop it personally.
Why are you making this so complicated, I understand your point but you’re into literal meaning where as he’s taking it liberally.
He loved you and now you guys had sex for first time(he said he was loved). Now just think Being loved by a person whom you loved a lot from a very long time, you have each other… that’s so beautiful. It’s really beautiful. He’s feeling like it because he has surrendered. You should cherish it, preserve it, love it.
Let him define his virginity for himself.
Virginity is a made up concept to control women and the Hyman was used as a freshness seal, which is super inaccurate.
If a woman only ever has lesbian sex, and never received penetration, does that make her a virgin for life?
Should people who were SA have to view the loss of their virginity always tied to it?
I think virginity should be the time when the ‘this is sex, this is how it all feels’ button clicked in your head- not just penetration… it can kind of be like getting drunk or high for the very first time you don’t really know what you’re feeling until you’ve done it a few times.
thank you for this perspective 🤍 i’ll definitely take your advice, and I have always believed it was different for LGBT and SA survivors. I agree that there is definitely the first time you actually feel like you’re having sex and that makes sense
hey uhhhh as someone who has been SA’d and has had a run in with drugs and drug users/addicts-
if he wasn’t in the right state of mind, feels shame and disgust towards past experiences, and feels like it was someone else/like he was watching himself, it sounds like he wasn’t in the space to properly consent and most likely dissociated during the events.
i don’t know him or his life, but i know what that’s like and to be it honestly sounds like he didn’t WANT those experiences to happen, even if he “agreed”. (keep in mind, some people also use sex as a form of self harm as well. not assuming this is the case, but adding this because it IS important)
he WANTED sex with you. THAT is why he feels he lost his virginity to you- he was sober and consented to something he didn’t feel pressured to do. using technicality to enforce something as frivolous as the status we give virginity as a society is honestly such a waste of time and energy.
there’s no need to argue about something that doesn’t and shouldn’t matter unless one of you had a STD or STD scare. you’re both adults with your own history, and it seems like his was rough, and it’s not fair to hold someone’s past over them if you’re effectively trying to make a future with them (unless it causes you harm- which, in this case it doesn’t).
I’m a female so I’m on the other end of this. Myself and some friends I know also have our own kind of defining terms on virginity…. I don’t consider the first time I had ‘sex’ as losing my virginity. If I were to then go to my partner and explain that to them, I would expect they would fully understand. I would think it was weird if he dug into it and cared THAT much about what I consider my virginity
I understand your perspective, I was coerced into losing my virginity after telling my boyfriend at the time I wasn’t ready but he kept going. Virginity is a really sensitive topic for me because of that, I think that’s part of why it bothers me is that I didn’t really feel like I could just “redefine” what happened to me, and I guess him trying to brought up bad memories for me. But I guess instead I should be happy for him that he can redefine it for himself, as long as he’s not just trying to run from what happened and not learn from/process it
I feel like you're taking this way too seriously honestly. If he were REALLY running from his past he most likely wouldn't have even told you about his past. Sometimes the healthiest thing is to just allow a person to turn a new leaf. You're trying to "help" him by constantly reminding him of his pain. It's like he's learning g to walk again after having both his legs broken and you're like kicking him in the shins bring like ",you need to remember that they were broken so you can REALLY value walking, you don't value walking because you broke your legs"
To add to that, my girlfriend and I have sex like once a week minimum, we had with other ppl b4 we got together. Both our past experiences were shit. Our relationship is beyond healthy and neither of us really counts our "first" as our first. To this day, I still tell her I'm a virgin lmao. Sometimes Immediately after sex she looks at me and asks if I've lost my V-card yet and I tell her until I get my receipts (children) I'll assume I never had sex and I'm still a virgin.
Truth is, ultimately, it doesn't matter. Keep having good sex. A person only get to experience their first once, give it to him
Thank you, I appreciate your perspective and advice. I thought I was helping by guiding him to acceptance, but I suppose if he’s already accepted it and instead truly just feels this way I should let him heal that way. It seems to be a personal preference, how people feel about their virginity and sex
That's understandable. I can tell you mean well tbh. But be gentle with him. So long as it doesn't negatively affect your lives there's no harm in it.
If it's easier for you to process as well, you can just imagine it as just a fantasy he has. Kinda like role play, and you're just helping him fulfill his fantasy of his first time being pleasant
Disclaimer: the fantasy advice is to help you with feeling better about it (if you need) you don't have to tell him that's how you're conceptualizing it.
Hope this helps
It literally doesn't matter. That's how he feels, your input doesn't matter. Facts are facts. He had sex before. How he feels about having sex with you is considered a compliment. Take the compliment and move on.
he told you how he felt and was already honest. he said he had sex before but didn't like it so he still feels like a virgin. thats it. stop overthinking about semantics.
he's obviously not a virgin and he surely knows that.
Red flag, break up with him.
Sorry, its a reflex on this sub. Seriously though, this isn't a hill to die on. People (particularly young people) put so much pressure on virginity. It's a way of being physically intimate with someone but the sex itself can be wildly different. First times are usually shit. You barely know what you're doing and there's no confidence to be found anywhere. Pressured sex is awful. You've got "I need to get this out of my system" sex, "I'm just looking for good times" sex, Horny animalistic sex, making love, and so much more. Each one has its own value and meaning to the people involved.
It sounds like he's connected with you physically and emotionally during sex on a level that he hasn't experienced before. Does that mean he lost his virginity to you, no. But it sounds like it meant so much more than that to him. I can testify that the first time you fully connect with someone during sex, emotionally, physically and spiritually, where you feel completely safe, loved and cared for, the personal value of that 'first' far exceeds losing your virginity.
What he had with you in that moment was very special for him, don't ruin it just to be "right".
I had my first time with my first boyfriend but I wasn’t ready,I was coerced. He did enough to make me feel that he was gonna leave if I didn’t have sex with him. I was young then around 18,so I did it. Guess what? He still left one year later. I stayed single for 6 years after that. I date someone after that but we could never have sex. I thought it’s because his size was too big but he claimed that I was too tense. He said I wasn’t ready for sex so naturally we parted ways.
Only I recently was dating a guy and I could feel that for the first time in my life,I was having sex because I wanted to. I was more willing to try things in the bedroom. Before that,sex was quite painful even though I wasn’t a virgin anymore . It was always a stressful moment for me. In a sense I get what he means but I didn’t present myself as being a virgin to that guy. However I did tell him that he’s the first person I have actually enjoyed sex with. It’s not anything you need to lose your head over. Let him think that maybe it makes him feel better. At the end of the day,they’re just words. I know a girl that dated a virgin and he was saying all the right things “ I only can have sex with you “ , “I only give myself to you” and such. Yet when the opportunity presently itself,that same guy didn’t hesitate to sleep with another girl. A guy’s virginity doesn’t hold the same weight as a girl’s. Even if you did take his virginity,it wouldn’t change anything in the relationship. It doesn’t mean he wouldn’t cheat or love you more than he does.
I understand his sentiments about him enjoying sex with you, I think he just worded it wrong. You can’t change your past just because you don’t agree with the choices you made.
Thanks a lot for this perspective. I’m sorry that that happened to you. I was coerced my first time as well and I still carry trauma from that. I also didn’t say that I was a virgin after that happened to me, but I guess it’s a personal preference. It’s also interesting to hear about what happened to your friend, and it’s a good perspective too, that it doesn’t change anything or make them more loyal.
Honestly Ive had a similar experience as your boyfriend, having meaningful sex for the first time is so insanely different and almost life changing. I often tell people “I feel like I lost my virginity to my ex” for pretty much the same reason, love changes everything sometimes and even if it wasn’t technically correct in his logic it’s more of an emotional connection, and he’ll probably always consider it the same way no matter what happens between you because of that reason.
I (21M) had similar situation, but my girlfriend (20F) said that. We been in relationship for 6 months, until we had our first sex, and she considers it as her first time, even so, she had sex with her ex. But she said she doesn’t liked it and she even stoped him. Even in beggining of our relationship she said, that she is asexual, because she never liked sex. But with me she enjoyed and now she even saying, that she is sex addict. So ye, at first I also didn’t knew how to react, I mean you should accept that even if you don’t liked sex with someone, it’s still a sex. It’s like having sex with someone else while you are in relationship, but only because you don’t liked it, you say you didn’t cheated. It’s just important to communicate, and accept each others past, because you do not live by the past, you live by the future. So I would recommend accept his opinion and make him feel good one more time;)
I’ve met plenty of girls who did the “it didn’t count” this isn’t actually a problem. You can be the girl he first had sex with or the only girl he liked having sex with. Vanity can make the latter more appealing but does it really matter at the end of the day?
Honestly- virginity is a stupid made up construct developed by early civilizations and was cultivated and influenced to have a greater depth than it does- majority- by religious figures and peoples.
I agree with him. He’s allowed to define virginity.
Because it’s a stupid thing to try and make up to begin with.
It’s not that big of a deal. If he feels comfortable with you and he puts so much value on it to say he lost it to you then I’d just let it go. It’s obviously important to him. But I dunno why you’re getting so caught on it? Maybe there’s more to it that’s making you uncomfortable or?? I dunno.
He’s obviously not delusional. He knows he technically lost it to other people.
I’ve been through the same thing as him honestly. Minus being under the influence. All my experiences thus far with sex have been shit to where I’ve questioned if I’m just asexual. We know we’ve technically lost it. But it’s a stupid thing to worry over to begin with. And it took a long time for me to understand that.
Sex is meant to be enjoyable. If it’s taken from us or we’re pressured or we don’t feel comfortable then mentally it helps to reframe it that we’ve lost nothing and nothing was taken from us by pretending we still have a chance to have a good first experience. Sometimes we don’t even realize better exists. That’s the only thing I can think is happening on his end.
On your end, girl I dunno what you’re questioning or worried about tbh. I’d be happy, as you are, just being able to give him a positive experience and leave it at that. Let him have this. He’s obviously been through some stuff. He’s allowed to define what he’s lost. Especially if it’s his to lose and not yours. The fact that your hung up on technicalities knowing he’s confided in you about his past experiences is a little sad. Because virginity shouldn’t have as much weight as it does. He’s not any less ‘pure’ or whatever the fuck. Neither are you for losing yours. So get over it. Let him have this. I assure you, he knows he’s not a virgin by the standard. But if it helps him get over how he experienced sex before you I honestly see zero harm it in.
I’d apologize.
My first time (more than one, but not the point) wasn't consensual. I think that's how he genuinely feels too because thinking you're asexual before starting to enjoy sex with a new partner really hits too close to home, it's not something people who 'fake it' even think about as something to say.
At the end of the day, it doesn't matter. Virginity is a definition for a situation, just like menarche. From a conversational point of view, it doesn't matter when it actually happened.
Chances are, you'll never talk about it to anyone. I'd be fucking creepy to go around talking about the person you lost your virginity with, regardless of personal context.
If he says it, agree with him, otherwise just live your life like any other day
thank you for your perspective. I have decided I will agree with him and support his beliefs, because I don’t think it’ll do any harm but just help comfort him
Darling I’m on your BFs side here. As anothe guy I’m gonna second almost every other guys opinion here
He considers you to be the ONE he lost it to. Most guys consider that the highlight of their life. You never forget your first piece after all. Lot of us want it to have… meaning if you know what I mean. Be with someone special. Have it be emotionally intimate as well as physical. Just… pure unabated fing bliss.
It’s a good memory one most of us cherish. Don’t worry too much about it. It’s clear the guys still in love with you.
Thank you for this. It’s nice to hear the guys’ perspectives on this. I talked with him today and told him if he truly believes that, and he’s not saying it to simply relieve guilt from his past or some other intention, if he *truly* believes it with his heart, I will believe it with him and support him
From what ive seen from my friends that started dating at 17 is that a lot of the times their girlfriends tend to get upset if they werent the first anything (and 1st gf doesnt count for some reason) so they tend to lie just so that their gfs dont get upset
Sex is just a pastime until you do it with somebody you really care for. He means what he says. As a dude who has had plenty of partners, only 2-3 felt like I was doing my part for them as they were for me. More than just lust.
Virginity is a concept made up to manipulate people.
It’s generally pretty heteronormative, and it’s not useful. We generally agree that being raped isn’t losing your virginity but not all cultures do because it’s about control. We generally agree that masturbating isn’t losing your virginity but it is the first time cumming for most. Many don’t consider a dildo losing virginity, or anal or oral.
It’s much more useful to think about sexual debut IMO, that is when you choose to open yourself and your sexuality with another person. How you define that is up to you.
I say I gave him a chance because a year ago he was a really bad person and I’d never date him then. He went as far as to say it’s okay to cheat if they never found out. But he changed a lot and worked on himself, that’s why I gave him a chance. Plus I had just gotten out of a toxic relationship and wasn’t planning on giving ANYONE a chance for a while because I was really hurt, but he really wanted to try and was being genuine and helped me through a lot of my pain as a friend and more
He can say that it felt like losing his virginity, but it would sound cringy for people to hear him say that he actually lost his virginity to you. Tell him that his phrasing would make it sound truer.
I already explained this in another comment. I did give him a chance. Because he used to be a really bad person a year ago and would use girls and justify cheating. He worked on himself a lot the past year and despite how he used to be, and despite me just getting out of a toxic relationship and not wanting to be with anyone, I gave him a chance because he wanted to try and he proved to me that he changed. If you’re not going to contribute anything meaningful and just spread negativity you should just keep scrolling
I'm sorry you have to deal with a lot of these guys on this app attacking you for having legitimate worries. I don't have any real advice here other than if you're really concerned about the lasting mental damage it could cause, consult a therapist and ask THEM for advice. A trained professional will give you much better advice than random dudes on the internet who sympathize with your boyfriend and occasionally feel the need to twist your words against you. I really just wanted to apologize for the way some of these people are treating you as you seem really sweet and nice, and most importantly, you are looking out for him not because you want him to be better for you, but for himself. Best of luck.
Thank you, I know a lot of people on here assume the worst about posters, like I want to be right over his desire to feel safe, when I really just didn’t know how to react. Some of my friends irl told me I really should just gently try to get him to accept the truth of the matter for his own good, but I was unsure so that’s why I’m asking here. I appreciate you being kind 🩷
Any therapist will tell you that it's HIS healing journey. Don't push him, he obviously felt vulnerable enough to tell you this and to take that away from him could do more harm than good, but I say this with respect towards both parties.
Id agree u just cant change the meaning of the word virginity to what you feel. Its meaning is 1st time you had sex.
He didn't lose his virginity to you, but you were the 1st he made love too. He could easily say that and it is true and sounds better too. 'I had sex before but lost my virginity to you' doesn't sound as good as ' your the 1st woman I ever made love too'.
Maybe suggest that, but in all honesty, it doesn't really matter.
Do you live him? I'm going to assume he has said it to you basically from the start. It might explain your feelings about this situation. He is clearly infatuated with you maybe too much in all honesty.
I do love him, I’ve loved him for a long time as a friend and now as a lover, and yes sometimes I think he’s too infatuated. But he tries his best to treat me well especially because he knows about my past with toxic relationships
the entire concept of virginity is ridiculous anyway. like who cares about semantics. it feels weird that you’re even questioning it… do you often feel the need to be right and to correct him?
you’ve got a good guy here. he truly loves you
Ma'am, I was raped at the age of 4. It continued nightly until I was 14.
I didn't have consensual sex until I was 19.
When did I lose my virginity in your eyes?
If he was coerced and under the influence, then I would argue that he did not lose his virginity until he met you.
Top comment here says "do you want to be happy or do you want to be right?"
I agree with the sentiment, with a simple caveat. You are _wrong._
Do not argue with him about this.
I’ve always believed that victims of rape and SA absolutely didn’t lose their virginity until they consensually had sex. However, my bf doesn’t feel like it was SA because he felt like he wanted it at the time, but he puts it as he “raped himself” because he pressured himself to participate in hookup culture because of outside influences even though he didn’t want to. He was also high/drunk most of the time because he was not happy. There *were* two girls who did really pressure him into it even though he said he didn’t want to though, but for the other two, like I said, he doesn’t believe he was SA’d by them, more like he was raped by himself, if that makes sense. Regardless, he was uncomfortable and under the influence and felt pressure, even if the person themselves didn’t force themself on him. I’m sorry that happened to you.
My first time was also forced/coercion, but I just accepted it as, I trusted the wrong person and I learned from it. I was naive at the time and stayed with my then boyfriend who took it, for a while. Only after leaving did I realize it was rape/nonconsensual
Sex and making love big difference that’s what I’m going through also I had a sexual encounter in the past when I was young. So sadly I can’t fully say I’m a virgin but I will be making love one day to my current gf. I just want to be happy.
It’s actually gross to me that u feel the need to correct him on this. The sentiment is really sweet and you’re totally missing it bc of semantics, plus it’s hurtful and you’re disregarding his feelings here.
Tell him to accept it and not fight it
The more he tries to fight the truth the more he will stress out
He should be willing to accept his past and move on happily knowing it doesn't matter, now it's only gonna be you
I may be wrong but he might have had that casual sex while still being hung up on you. You were with other guys and he just wanted to feel better someway. He kept on having the casual sex because he was horny (obv) but maybe had a heavy heart?
When he finally got to be with you he thought to himself, how do I make this more special? This was the thing he made up. Maybe he just doesn’t want anyone else to be his first. He’s in it for the long haul and maybe this just makes his story more perfect.
But as a woman, this thing will annoy you after awhile so it’s better to just address it. Be open about what annoys you and how you feel about it.
I think this definitely had something to do with it too. He loved me for a long time and I know it was hard for him to see me in a long term relationship
Don’t be surprised if it had roughed his self esteem up a bit too. Things are not always as they seem but to be helplessly in love with someone who is not with you eats you up. You really need to be head strong in order to handle this carefully plus, you need to love him a lot.
Take care of each other and build him up because whether you like it or not you would have to either just be there and listen, nudge him in the right direction or play an active role and put effort towards it.
thank you, I really appreciate the advice. It’s true that it probably was really hard for him for the years that I was dating someone else. I definitely will try to be gentle and consider those feelings as we navigate our relationship
No problem at all. Also try not to lose yourself in the process. Heal yourself, just because he is in a tough spot doesn’t mean you bottle up your stuff too.
I have realized that if you are not at your 100% you can’t help anyone else to get to their 100% as well.
From my experience with drugs and the sex that comes with it, it sounds to me that he’s in denial about it. I went to a few rehabs at the 12 step ones accepting you have a problem and want to stop.
Sounds like he won’t relapse but if he try to hide the past and forget about it instead of learning and moving on it could haunt him for life.
If you bring it up calmly and with facts about how holding onto the past in any way you do it isn’t healthy and it’s caused me lots of pain
I definitely am worried that he’ll just be trying to change the narrative of what happened in the past instead of truly processing and learning from it. But I hope that he’s really accepted it deep down, and has learned both from using substances (weed, alcohol) and having casual sex that it didn’t make him happy or fulfilled
Are you from like Oman or Saudi Arabia? Where are you living that 22 year old women have this attitude around sex lol
The poor guy probably just doesn’t know how to react to being shamed for having sex by his girlfriend lol
It’s interesting because you seem to be shaming me for my view of sex in your comment. I don’t think it’s wrong of me to not like hookup culture and believe sex should be with someone meaningful and someone you love/care about, and to want my partner to have those compatible beliefs.
I was upset that we both agreed and had deep talks about how sex should be special, and then he abandoned those beliefs and that caused him to hurt himself and feel disgusted and uncomfortable, which is something he can’t take back and he wishes he could. He didn’t actually view sex as casual, and that’s why he always felt disgusted and gross after, because he knew he was going against what he actually believed. I remember when I was just his friend, I just felt sad for him because I knew he was betraying what he really felt and hurting himself simply because of this hookup culture pressure that is pushed upon men. Every time he told me sex makes him uncomfortable and he doesn’t like it, I told him it’s because it’s not with someone he actually likes. If he always viewed it casually and unemotional, that’s fine and his opinion, but we probably wouldn’t be compatible romantically/sexually because I need to have a mutual connection to enjoy sex. I’m from America btw, I just have a different opinion than most people here
Well based on the way you’re describing this it sounds like the guy felt pressured because of your extreme views on sex to conform with those views
I promise you no straight 21 yo guy w everything functioning properly is “disgusted by sex” nor should he be shamed for enjoying sex
I would say your views are in the extreme minority and you’re putting sex in a category with things like doing heroin - replace having casual sex with doing heroin in your post and it’d still flow fine
He felt disgusted by it even before we were dating, some people just don’t like casual sex and that’s totally fine. I remember when I was just his friend, he’d join calls and talk about how he thought he was asexual and how sex never feels right and he doesn’t like it. He stopped having sex for a year after the two months where he was abusing drugs and in a bad place because of it, he didn’t do that for me, he did it because *he* didn’t like it and felt disgusted by it
“Define his own virginity” - it’s pretty clear nowadays that words have no meaning when you allow people to define everything for themselves. This is a massive gen z red flag lol.
You are both way too young to be having these serious of thoughts, the issue is you won’t understand till later anyways so just don’t think about this too much and do what you feel is right.
Welcome to /r/dating_advice!
Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind.
Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly.
Thanks!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>He was in love with me for a long time, basically obsessed with me. I recently got out of a toxic relationship and gave him a chance.
Heh. This is the only thing one needs to read.
Depends whether you value fact's or not?
Cos if he's playing this loose with disregarding his own sexual history, I guarantee there's going to be a growing number of times when he'll simply refuse to accept facts and refer to things like "my truth"
If you're someone who cares about honesty and reality then that kind of thing will really grate over time.
That’s what I’m scared of, this kind of mentality spreading into other scenarios. I believe it’s okay here but I don’t want it to be pattern behavior and him to twist reality when he makes mistakes in the future
It's also worth noting that people that have a pattern of behaviour like that, conveniently on have this twisted reality when it's in their favour.
I've never come across anyone using 'their truth' when it favours someone else or puts them on the back foot lol. I guess in your case you'd have to wait and see if it is a pattern or a one off.
Or if you don't want to take the risk and feel like you're wasting time on someone then you could always deliberately bring up a point of contention (something mild) and see how they react. Can't think of any good examples off the top of my head, especially not knowing this person, but maybe something like talk about the moon landings. Just something were they have the option of favouring their opinion over objective fact and see how they react.
Are you really debating if it's more imprtant to be 100% technically right or for him to be happy and feel special about you. You seem autistic, no offense.
Your post was removed because it violates the sex topic rule. Review this rule. Your post should be posted to r/sex
Want my advice? Forget it. The guy loves you and you were his first meaningful and valued experience. Do you want to be happy or do you want to be 'right'?
100%. Depending on how you define virginity FOR MEN I can give you very different answers as to when I lost mine. It’s kind of a weird social construct in some ways. I wouldn’t sweat it.
Uh? Why would you have to define virginity differently for men
Took a dip in the pool but didn't nut perhaps? A la How I met your mother
That was an analogy for getting fingered not piv without climax
THIS. As a dude who was pressured into his first time by the woman who I was dating, who was also somewhat drunk (I was also 21...late bloomer), looking back, I simply went through the motions until we finished. I didn't consider my "first time" until the next woman, whom I fell completely in love with.
See, I’m kinda like guy in OP post. I have had sex but I did not enjoy it because the person it was with I did not actual love. The opportunity just presented itself. I hated it. I hated it so much I threw up afterwards. I can’t even remember what it felt like anymore, I just know I was disgusted and don’t even remember anything about it I just know it happened. I wish I saved it for someone I actually loved but oh well. Assuming I get with someone again and I actually love them, the whole experience would basically be like me losing it again because 1) it’s been 7 years since I lost it and don’t remember how it felt physically 2) first time was horrible (once again, just know I hated it) 3) I have no experience outside of this one encounter. So, to me, it would be like losing it again, but the proper way. I agree with your comment. Forget it. To him it probably feels like he truly did lose his virginity to OP.
I think I will just let him say/believe what he wants to, but it’s not that I want to be “right”, in fact I wish he was right. It’s more so that I don’t want him to run from his past or lie to himself to make him feel better if that’s not the healthy thing to do. I don’t know, is it healthier to try to get him to accept what happened or allow him to say/think what he wants? That’s what I struggle with. And I also don’t want it to turn into a situation where every time he makes a mistake (especially in our relationship), he just tries to twist the truth in his head to make himself feel better or convince me/other people of something else. I think it’s pretty harmless in this case as long as it’s healthy for him, but if he applied it in other cases I think it could be hurtful
I get what you mean in your last paragraph, you don’t want to be with someone who does a lot of mental gymnastics in their head to delude themselves/avoid reality (honestly him being obsessed with you this whole time is a bit of a red flag to me like, there’s admiring/loving someone and then there’s being obsessed with them…) but like you say in this particular context, it is understandable as like, if someone was raped, we wouldn’t consider that their first time so this can be taken in the same vein. Perhaps it’s an orange flag to keep an eye on.
Yes that’s exactly it, and that’s how I phrased it to him too, “mental gymnastics”. Like you said, I think it’s harmless and I feel like it’s sweet and I know he means it in a good way, but I wouldn’t want him to think that he can use this as a coping mechanism for other mistakes in life. I don’t want this to be him kind of avoiding what happened instead of actually processing it and learning from it and accepting his decisions
Personally I think you're raising pretty good points here. In your post it didn't really transpire what you actually seem to mean. He should come to grips with the truth. Definitely. However I would only try to raise the discussion from a loving approach. Like you were saying. You understand his point and you reciprocate his feelings but you don't want him to lie to himself about things. Embellishing facts. Definitely wouldn't insist too much too. But he could talk to someone about it, a professional maybe, if he doesn't feel like he wants to drop it on a person he knows and regrets those past choices. In short Give him something to think about but be there to support him
Thank you, I think that’s a good idea too. If I do bring it up, I’ll be sure to be gentle and make sure he’s in the mood to talk about it, but if not, I will just let him believe what’s comforting to him
Seems like you're making up bad future scenarios and dwelling on "what ifs" instead of living in the moment. If something like that does happen in the future then you'll have to deal with it. But making up scenarios in your head about it isn't good for anyone.
Something to keep in mind, that if those things were mildly traumatic for him, doing what he’s doing literally *is* him working on it. He’s taking the power back, he’s reframing it, he’s replacing negative experiences with positive ones to empower him on that subject. He might be repeating it a lot and that might make you a big uncomfortable, because it is literally him allowing his brain to rewire that trauma. It’s like if someone is scared of spiders, so when they think of spiders they say out loud ‘spiders help keep mosquitoes away and I appreciate that’, even if it’s a bit awkward to say out loud. It’s Related share: Not the same way, but I did this after losing my V card in a disempowering way- I wouldn’t say I lost it at a different time, but it depends on what people define as virginity too, cause I either lost it to a girl when I was 13 cause she gave me an orgasm, or a douch at 22, where I never o’d, or did I lose my virginity when my hymen broke after doing the splits at high speed in gymnastics? Why does the penetration matter more?
Thank you for the advice and perspective, I guess this can be looked at as him healing and reclaiming and I should let him.
Sounds like you feel uncomfortable that others might learn you "took his virginity". This entire post is about you as this guy seems loving and genuine.
[удалено]
"what other people might think" should not be a significant factor in your dating life. There are only two of you in the relationship, so why are you allowing more than two opinions to matter for it?
"Yeah he says he feels like I am the one who really took his virginity, isnt that the sweetest?" Sets you and him up perfectly to anyone who asks. U thinking how this could reflect poorly really needs to stop.
WHO CARES.
You’ve known him for 5 years so wouldn’t you already know if he applies it to other situations? You just want to be right.
I have, but he’s changed A LOT especially in the past year. When he was going through his “phase” (a year ago) he was a really bad person and constantly justified leading girls on and hurting people when we would call him out. He honestly did use excuses to justify his bad behaviors and make himself feel better back then. I would have never dated him then. But this year he did a lot of reflecting and working on himself and he truly has changed I think, that’s why I decided to give him a chance. He’s becoming the person he used to be again. He says he’s disgusted by his past and how he used to act and think, and that it was because of bad influences and substances. But sometimes I still worry. I know that’ll just get better with trust and time. Plus I’ve only ever known him as a friend, it feels different being with him romantically and involving my heart. This is also his first relationship so I don’t really know how he will act since I’ve never seen him in one, I just have to learn as I go
Now, I can definitely understand your concerns after you explain it more. It could be a situation where he’s trying to justify his past actions, but would think it’s more likely that you have given this man his first experience of making a physical connection to someone that you’re in love with, which is something special. I would say to be aware of him doing this if he does something wrong, but coming from someone who has felt the same before, I think, in this case, it may be pretty innocent. That’s so true about things getting better with trust and time. None of us can tell you not to worry because it’s your heart, but when you do, try to think about his overall changes and the trust you’ve built so far and if they outweigh your worries. I think you two are in the beginning stages of a great relationship but it’s also good that you’re mindful of the behaviors you have to watch out for. Wishing you the best
Have you considered that maybe he had gay sex and that he feels that different than what he had with you? Or maybe he feels like he was abused? I know my ex had gotten raped/abused when she was 9. But she always said she lost her virginity at 16 and I believed her.
Real.
Or this is a massive red flag. So was he raped previously or not? If he was raped then he can in a sense say he is a virgin and your whole point stands pretty well. But if not then it sounds sort of like he’s trying to force this to sound better. “Well I did smash other people but those don’t count because I didn’t love them like you so I’m still a virgin.” Bro that’s not how that works and the fact that you’re trying to force something that isn’t true has me concerned. Not to mention OP is not a virgin. So what does it matter to OP if her bf is? What is he saying about OPs own sexual history? It’s just an incredibly immature thing to push across. I guess it’s par for their age.
He doesn’t feel like he was raped/SA’d every time, only a few of the times when he felt pressured into it by the other person. But other than that he just felt pressured by himself and by being under the influence from what I know
U can be both. Find a way
Sometimes they’re mutually exclusive.. you can’t be both all the time
In the old fashioned way I would say that he had sex before, but you are the first he made love to. Obviously he need to feel that way for his own sake,dont take it away from him, even if its not technically truth.
great way to put it
Sounds like he’s paid you a huge compliment. Don’t take it away from him.
Bruh that’s a huge compliment… you kinda make him feel special…. Don’t take that away to him
I don't think you need to be the one to challenge him on it.
Who cares about the semantics? He had his first meaningful experience with you, leave it at that.
Wtf you want from my man. If someone tells me that I would be in tears that I made someone feel so special and could help improve their experience. Just accept that compliment god damn
So he felt comfortable with you and you want to take that away from him? Don’t
Let him define virginity for himself, the meaning of the term is very fluid and only in recent years came to mean has not had penetrative PIV sex. My first time was rape, I consider myself a virgin after that. People who have sex that isn’t penetrative obviously aren’t virgins just because they have sex in other ways than PIV. Let it go.
I mean, sex with you and you yourself feel so special to him, why would you not just take it as a nice thing and a compliment and leave it at that? Challenging him on it is just very unnecessary and cruel
I personally feel this whole argument is absolute BS, him being obsessed with you is what most girls want, and you want to basically accuse him of something that makes him unhappy, I say just move on from this topic and live a happy life with him.
Stop nerding this shit and if you actually love him just be happy.
The man feels like he is reborn and had sex for the first time because it’s so special and magical with you. and here you are questioning his feelings because you want to be right so bad. if a female told me in this darn age i love you like i never loved before, i wouldn’t question that. even though she has been in love before, i would accept the compliment and feel proud.
Why do you say man and then use female instead of woman...
Stfu bro
I'm down to talk anytime. DM for my discord. Else stfu.
No specific reason, why do you ask ?
It's very weird way of talking. Usually u only here male/female in health or scientific context only. Generally people tend to use consistent nomenclature when talking about things. I've been seeing a lot of people say females lately and it's weird af
People speak however they want and you don't get a say in it.
Ironic lul. Im assuming u don't get a say in how I speak then? If so I'll mirror ur energy and disregard ur comment tyvm.
That would only work as a comeback if I was like "I get a say in other people, but you don't" Which isn't what happened 😐 Also, irony isn't just "anything that disagrees with me"
People speak however they want and you don't get a say in it.
I'm not the one claiming to 🤔 How is your reading comprehension this bad 😐
No I just live in the real world were how u speak is indeed impacted by what other people say.
After reading it again, I'm assuming he used man as a more personal term referring to the OPs "man" and used female in a more broad and general aspect.
i understand that. doesnt really address my question of why tho. women would have communicated the idea the same way.
It does address your question, "man" is used in referring to a specific person and he uses "female" as a more broad scope, not everyone uses specific terms with malicious intent, woman and female are interchangeable.
Ur not making any sense. In what way does female encompass a broad scope? Also what are u bringing up malicious intent for? Stop projecting
not projecting, i've just heard this argument before "why are you using female instead of woman... it's because men use female in a condescending manner" it's so tiring I also said he uses it to encompass a broad scope... read
so u hearing that argument from someone who isnt me has something to do with me because...? Also ur just restating ur postition. im asking you to expand on it. justify it. explain WHY it would be a good use of the term to use in a broad sense. Maybe read my initial question again: **"In what way does female encompass a broad scope?"**
I'm not saying i know why i'm not them, it's just a guess. but also why do you care that they are using man and female?
could ask you the same thing. What u trying to get at with these comments?
I definitely am proud and it made me really happy when he first told me and I’ve always tried to make it a safe space for him because of his past. I just wanted to know if other people think this is a healthy way of coping with his past, and if I should let him say/believe this
He is the one who gets to decide how he copes with his past, not you, and certainly not strangers on reddit. It really is not a big deal at all, it's not like he isn't aware he had sex in the past, it sounds like he was just trying to emphasize how much more special it felt with you.
I don't think this is your decision or anyone else's, virginity is a social construct, men don't have anything that defines it and women's "virginity" can be lost by working out hard or riding a bike, and etc. TW but if a r.pe victim said they were a virgin (not saying he is one if it was all consensual but he was obviously not comfortable in these situations and feels pressured as you said) I would just say "okay" and move on.
If you talk to any therapist they will tell you: it’s THEIR healing journey. If they get to a point where they change their labels that’s on them. You trying to force it makes it so much harder
Let him define it for himself, people do that all the time. Gay men define anal as losing their vcard, lesbians define oral/fingering as losing their vcard. Then for myself, i dont believe i lost my virginity at 10 when I was SA even if thats the "objective truth". He is happy and comfortable with you, please do not take that from him. Also maybe apologize.
"I created a safe space for my boyfriend to be comfortable and vulnerable with me and HE ACTUALLY USED IT ick" Virginity's not really something for you to define for others. In school I knew many victims of rape who didn't consider the assault as losing their virginity. Homeboy's much the same - if he was always under the influence of an intoxicant and never felt comfortable/always felt pressured to have sex, then homie has been SA'd because he could not/did not give consent. Back up and accept the compliment in that he felt safe with you and didn't feel coerced.
This is why alot of guys don’t just become emotionally vulnerable to their girlfriends just because they’re told to. There are certain topics some women don’t want to hear Guys share with them and virginity is certainly one of them, because it will in fact shift the entire dynamic of the relationship. I guarantee once OP’s partner finds out how much it’s bothering her he won’t open up about anything again.
I am happy I was able to be a safe space for him, I will say he was pressured into it by 2 of the girls,but the other 2 he says he felt pressured by himself. He says he feels like he raped himself by pressuring himself to have sex and not be a virgin and all that (societal pressure), and because he was always high and made bad decisions, so he doesn’t feel like his first was rape, moreso that he raped himself because he felt he pressured himself
Comparing this situation to someone who has been raped is ludicrous.
Homeboy has been raped, point-blank. If he was unable to give consent (intoxicated) or reluctantly gave consent (coercion) then he was raped. Full-stop.
how so? i thought people could not give consent if they're under the influence, and like the other guy said coercion is also rape.
Virginity is a completely made up social construct. Let him live his truth. If someone were SA’d and still wanted to identify as a virgin, who would you be to tell them that they can’t? This is obviously different but there is a parallel.
My first kiss was not consensual, my then boyfriend just kissed me in a car when it was dark and I couldn't pull away. For the longest time it pissed me that my first kiss was stolen from me. We broke up soon after that so I didn't kiss him after. Fast forward the first kiss with my college boyfriend was so passionate and in the 'moment'. I crushed on him for so long and when it finally happened I was over the moon. I still like to think that's my first kiss, and reminisce about that moment. That might be the case with him too. If anything being with you is so special to him, and is him 'honorary' first sex.
This ^^
Its basically the same for me (23) and my gf (23), but I am the person in your bfs pov. Objectively I have lost my virginity much earlier, but it was casual sex and didn’t mean a lot to me emotionally. But when I had sex with her the first time, it wasn’t just sex, it felt much more like making love. It was beautiful and I wont ever forget it, and that’s what makes me feel like I lost my virginity right there, with the person I love. I also talked to her about that, and she’s happy I feel that way. I wouldn’t mind if she disagrees with me like you do with your bf, why does anybody care about virginity anyways.
Thanks for your perspective, I haven’t heard from a lot of guys who feel the same as my bf
Don't be cruel and mess with how he feels. If that's his genuine interpretation then that's his reality. You can't project how you feel onto him telling you something from his heart. He loves you. As someone with unfortunate past experiences I know exactly what he's talking about.
I mean he was uncomfortable, felt pressured, and under the influence during other encounters… I see it the same way victims reclaim their sexuality. If a person is assaulted they usually don’t consider that sex.. because it wasn’t, it was assault. Him being so uncomfortable with his past sounds like a coping mechanism, trying to reclaim in sexuality in a positive way thanks to you. I wouldn’t try to change that. I get it can be hard knowing that you’re not his first in reality, but I would just focus on his reclaimed reality. Virginity don’t matter anyway and is a social value.
Imagine having someone in your life who loves you so much that he's redefined his worldview around being able to be with you and have sex with you and your only concern is the semantics around the word "virginity". The guy waited 5 years to be with you and your concern is vocabulary.. Understand how lucky you are to have someone who loves you in the first place.
Being in the lobby of the empire state building doesn't count as having gone to the empire state building, ppl don't go to the empire state building to be in the lobby, they go there to go to the roof. He went on the roof with you and he's happy. Take the win (yeah i get that from how i met your mother)
This is an amazing metaphor!!
Horrible metaphor
You know he didn't but there's no harm here, just let him bask in this feeling.
As a bro...this an award given to you by my bro...be proud...
I think that your right, technically. Even if he didn’t feel an emotional connection if he’s already had sexual experience, he’s not a virgin. But I just don’t think that it’s a substitute enough issue that it’s worth fighting over like what exactly are you hoping to accomplish by changing his mind how does him believing that negatively impact your relationship. I would just drop it personally.
It’s not a big deal, why make it one?
Why are you making this so complicated, I understand your point but you’re into literal meaning where as he’s taking it liberally. He loved you and now you guys had sex for first time(he said he was loved). Now just think Being loved by a person whom you loved a lot from a very long time, you have each other… that’s so beautiful. It’s really beautiful. He’s feeling like it because he has surrendered. You should cherish it, preserve it, love it.
it sounds like he had really bad experiences with sex and feels very uncomfortable with them. i think it’s great for him to put those behind him.
He lost his virginity to you period. Sure, by the English dictionary definition he didn't but he basically did like cmon.
Let him define his virginity for himself. Virginity is a made up concept to control women and the Hyman was used as a freshness seal, which is super inaccurate. If a woman only ever has lesbian sex, and never received penetration, does that make her a virgin for life? Should people who were SA have to view the loss of their virginity always tied to it? I think virginity should be the time when the ‘this is sex, this is how it all feels’ button clicked in your head- not just penetration… it can kind of be like getting drunk or high for the very first time you don’t really know what you’re feeling until you’ve done it a few times.
thank you for this perspective 🤍 i’ll definitely take your advice, and I have always believed it was different for LGBT and SA survivors. I agree that there is definitely the first time you actually feel like you’re having sex and that makes sense
hey uhhhh as someone who has been SA’d and has had a run in with drugs and drug users/addicts- if he wasn’t in the right state of mind, feels shame and disgust towards past experiences, and feels like it was someone else/like he was watching himself, it sounds like he wasn’t in the space to properly consent and most likely dissociated during the events. i don’t know him or his life, but i know what that’s like and to be it honestly sounds like he didn’t WANT those experiences to happen, even if he “agreed”. (keep in mind, some people also use sex as a form of self harm as well. not assuming this is the case, but adding this because it IS important) he WANTED sex with you. THAT is why he feels he lost his virginity to you- he was sober and consented to something he didn’t feel pressured to do. using technicality to enforce something as frivolous as the status we give virginity as a society is honestly such a waste of time and energy. there’s no need to argue about something that doesn’t and shouldn’t matter unless one of you had a STD or STD scare. you’re both adults with your own history, and it seems like his was rough, and it’s not fair to hold someone’s past over them if you’re effectively trying to make a future with them (unless it causes you harm- which, in this case it doesn’t).
This is why I tell many guys to never show those emotions to a women they are not naturally designed to handle those truths
i read “when i told him the objective truth” and it felt like a punchline. i genuinely can’t tell if OP is trolling or not 😓
Maybe they should just avoid people that can't handle other people's feelings and emotions.
I’m a female so I’m on the other end of this. Myself and some friends I know also have our own kind of defining terms on virginity…. I don’t consider the first time I had ‘sex’ as losing my virginity. If I were to then go to my partner and explain that to them, I would expect they would fully understand. I would think it was weird if he dug into it and cared THAT much about what I consider my virginity
I understand your perspective, I was coerced into losing my virginity after telling my boyfriend at the time I wasn’t ready but he kept going. Virginity is a really sensitive topic for me because of that, I think that’s part of why it bothers me is that I didn’t really feel like I could just “redefine” what happened to me, and I guess him trying to brought up bad memories for me. But I guess instead I should be happy for him that he can redefine it for himself, as long as he’s not just trying to run from what happened and not learn from/process it
This is a healing opportunity for yourself to realize you too can redefine it for yourself. Love is a miracle, let it do its thing. ❤️
thank you 🤍
Why would you wanna "fix" him ? Let him be and be happy because he sees you that way.
Let him say whatever he wants. Not something for you to stress over.
I feel like you're taking this way too seriously honestly. If he were REALLY running from his past he most likely wouldn't have even told you about his past. Sometimes the healthiest thing is to just allow a person to turn a new leaf. You're trying to "help" him by constantly reminding him of his pain. It's like he's learning g to walk again after having both his legs broken and you're like kicking him in the shins bring like ",you need to remember that they were broken so you can REALLY value walking, you don't value walking because you broke your legs" To add to that, my girlfriend and I have sex like once a week minimum, we had with other ppl b4 we got together. Both our past experiences were shit. Our relationship is beyond healthy and neither of us really counts our "first" as our first. To this day, I still tell her I'm a virgin lmao. Sometimes Immediately after sex she looks at me and asks if I've lost my V-card yet and I tell her until I get my receipts (children) I'll assume I never had sex and I'm still a virgin. Truth is, ultimately, it doesn't matter. Keep having good sex. A person only get to experience their first once, give it to him
Thank you, I appreciate your perspective and advice. I thought I was helping by guiding him to acceptance, but I suppose if he’s already accepted it and instead truly just feels this way I should let him heal that way. It seems to be a personal preference, how people feel about their virginity and sex
That's understandable. I can tell you mean well tbh. But be gentle with him. So long as it doesn't negatively affect your lives there's no harm in it. If it's easier for you to process as well, you can just imagine it as just a fantasy he has. Kinda like role play, and you're just helping him fulfill his fantasy of his first time being pleasant Disclaimer: the fantasy advice is to help you with feeling better about it (if you need) you don't have to tell him that's how you're conceptualizing it. Hope this helps
Ignore it.
It literally doesn't matter. That's how he feels, your input doesn't matter. Facts are facts. He had sex before. How he feels about having sex with you is considered a compliment. Take the compliment and move on.
Why don’t you just keep your partner happy. This ain’t a big deal and you’re making a mountain of a molehill. Like him be happy! Geez.
he told you how he felt and was already honest. he said he had sex before but didn't like it so he still feels like a virgin. thats it. stop overthinking about semantics. he's obviously not a virgin and he surely knows that.
Red flag, break up with him. Sorry, its a reflex on this sub. Seriously though, this isn't a hill to die on. People (particularly young people) put so much pressure on virginity. It's a way of being physically intimate with someone but the sex itself can be wildly different. First times are usually shit. You barely know what you're doing and there's no confidence to be found anywhere. Pressured sex is awful. You've got "I need to get this out of my system" sex, "I'm just looking for good times" sex, Horny animalistic sex, making love, and so much more. Each one has its own value and meaning to the people involved. It sounds like he's connected with you physically and emotionally during sex on a level that he hasn't experienced before. Does that mean he lost his virginity to you, no. But it sounds like it meant so much more than that to him. I can testify that the first time you fully connect with someone during sex, emotionally, physically and spiritually, where you feel completely safe, loved and cared for, the personal value of that 'first' far exceeds losing your virginity. What he had with you in that moment was very special for him, don't ruin it just to be "right".
thank you for this 🤍 makes a lot of sense
I had my first time with my first boyfriend but I wasn’t ready,I was coerced. He did enough to make me feel that he was gonna leave if I didn’t have sex with him. I was young then around 18,so I did it. Guess what? He still left one year later. I stayed single for 6 years after that. I date someone after that but we could never have sex. I thought it’s because his size was too big but he claimed that I was too tense. He said I wasn’t ready for sex so naturally we parted ways. Only I recently was dating a guy and I could feel that for the first time in my life,I was having sex because I wanted to. I was more willing to try things in the bedroom. Before that,sex was quite painful even though I wasn’t a virgin anymore . It was always a stressful moment for me. In a sense I get what he means but I didn’t present myself as being a virgin to that guy. However I did tell him that he’s the first person I have actually enjoyed sex with. It’s not anything you need to lose your head over. Let him think that maybe it makes him feel better. At the end of the day,they’re just words. I know a girl that dated a virgin and he was saying all the right things “ I only can have sex with you “ , “I only give myself to you” and such. Yet when the opportunity presently itself,that same guy didn’t hesitate to sleep with another girl. A guy’s virginity doesn’t hold the same weight as a girl’s. Even if you did take his virginity,it wouldn’t change anything in the relationship. It doesn’t mean he wouldn’t cheat or love you more than he does. I understand his sentiments about him enjoying sex with you, I think he just worded it wrong. You can’t change your past just because you don’t agree with the choices you made.
Thanks a lot for this perspective. I’m sorry that that happened to you. I was coerced my first time as well and I still carry trauma from that. I also didn’t say that I was a virgin after that happened to me, but I guess it’s a personal preference. It’s also interesting to hear about what happened to your friend, and it’s a good perspective too, that it doesn’t change anything or make them more loyal.
Women rightfully redefine when they lose their virginity if their “first” was sexual assault, he may be feeling the same way here, i would leave it be
Honestly Ive had a similar experience as your boyfriend, having meaningful sex for the first time is so insanely different and almost life changing. I often tell people “I feel like I lost my virginity to my ex” for pretty much the same reason, love changes everything sometimes and even if it wasn’t technically correct in his logic it’s more of an emotional connection, and he’ll probably always consider it the same way no matter what happens between you because of that reason.
He sounds demi sexual and you were the first person who he had sex with and actually cared about
I (21M) had similar situation, but my girlfriend (20F) said that. We been in relationship for 6 months, until we had our first sex, and she considers it as her first time, even so, she had sex with her ex. But she said she doesn’t liked it and she even stoped him. Even in beggining of our relationship she said, that she is asexual, because she never liked sex. But with me she enjoyed and now she even saying, that she is sex addict. So ye, at first I also didn’t knew how to react, I mean you should accept that even if you don’t liked sex with someone, it’s still a sex. It’s like having sex with someone else while you are in relationship, but only because you don’t liked it, you say you didn’t cheated. It’s just important to communicate, and accept each others past, because you do not live by the past, you live by the future. So I would recommend accept his opinion and make him feel good one more time;)
thanks for your perspective :)
I’ve met plenty of girls who did the “it didn’t count” this isn’t actually a problem. You can be the girl he first had sex with or the only girl he liked having sex with. Vanity can make the latter more appealing but does it really matter at the end of the day?
Honestly- virginity is a stupid made up construct developed by early civilizations and was cultivated and influenced to have a greater depth than it does- majority- by religious figures and peoples. I agree with him. He’s allowed to define virginity. Because it’s a stupid thing to try and make up to begin with. It’s not that big of a deal. If he feels comfortable with you and he puts so much value on it to say he lost it to you then I’d just let it go. It’s obviously important to him. But I dunno why you’re getting so caught on it? Maybe there’s more to it that’s making you uncomfortable or?? I dunno. He’s obviously not delusional. He knows he technically lost it to other people. I’ve been through the same thing as him honestly. Minus being under the influence. All my experiences thus far with sex have been shit to where I’ve questioned if I’m just asexual. We know we’ve technically lost it. But it’s a stupid thing to worry over to begin with. And it took a long time for me to understand that. Sex is meant to be enjoyable. If it’s taken from us or we’re pressured or we don’t feel comfortable then mentally it helps to reframe it that we’ve lost nothing and nothing was taken from us by pretending we still have a chance to have a good first experience. Sometimes we don’t even realize better exists. That’s the only thing I can think is happening on his end. On your end, girl I dunno what you’re questioning or worried about tbh. I’d be happy, as you are, just being able to give him a positive experience and leave it at that. Let him have this. He’s obviously been through some stuff. He’s allowed to define what he’s lost. Especially if it’s his to lose and not yours. The fact that your hung up on technicalities knowing he’s confided in you about his past experiences is a little sad. Because virginity shouldn’t have as much weight as it does. He’s not any less ‘pure’ or whatever the fuck. Neither are you for losing yours. So get over it. Let him have this. I assure you, he knows he’s not a virgin by the standard. But if it helps him get over how he experienced sex before you I honestly see zero harm it in. I’d apologize.
My first time (more than one, but not the point) wasn't consensual. I think that's how he genuinely feels too because thinking you're asexual before starting to enjoy sex with a new partner really hits too close to home, it's not something people who 'fake it' even think about as something to say. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter. Virginity is a definition for a situation, just like menarche. From a conversational point of view, it doesn't matter when it actually happened. Chances are, you'll never talk about it to anyone. I'd be fucking creepy to go around talking about the person you lost your virginity with, regardless of personal context. If he says it, agree with him, otherwise just live your life like any other day
thank you for your perspective. I have decided I will agree with him and support his beliefs, because I don’t think it’ll do any harm but just help comfort him
Darling I’m on your BFs side here. As anothe guy I’m gonna second almost every other guys opinion here He considers you to be the ONE he lost it to. Most guys consider that the highlight of their life. You never forget your first piece after all. Lot of us want it to have… meaning if you know what I mean. Be with someone special. Have it be emotionally intimate as well as physical. Just… pure unabated fing bliss. It’s a good memory one most of us cherish. Don’t worry too much about it. It’s clear the guys still in love with you.
Thank you for this. It’s nice to hear the guys’ perspectives on this. I talked with him today and told him if he truly believes that, and he’s not saying it to simply relieve guilt from his past or some other intention, if he *truly* believes it with his heart, I will believe it with him and support him
Is anyone else feeling like he could be demisexual?
From what ive seen from my friends that started dating at 17 is that a lot of the times their girlfriends tend to get upset if they werent the first anything (and 1st gf doesnt count for some reason) so they tend to lie just so that their gfs dont get upset
Sex is just a pastime until you do it with somebody you really care for. He means what he says. As a dude who has had plenty of partners, only 2-3 felt like I was doing my part for them as they were for me. More than just lust.
Virginity is a concept made up to manipulate people. It’s generally pretty heteronormative, and it’s not useful. We generally agree that being raped isn’t losing your virginity but not all cultures do because it’s about control. We generally agree that masturbating isn’t losing your virginity but it is the first time cumming for most. Many don’t consider a dildo losing virginity, or anal or oral. It’s much more useful to think about sexual debut IMO, that is when you choose to open yourself and your sexuality with another person. How you define that is up to you.
I am shocked by the entitlement here..If my gf says that “she gave me a chance” then she is out of my life
I say I gave him a chance because a year ago he was a really bad person and I’d never date him then. He went as far as to say it’s okay to cheat if they never found out. But he changed a lot and worked on himself, that’s why I gave him a chance. Plus I had just gotten out of a toxic relationship and wasn’t planning on giving ANYONE a chance for a while because I was really hurt, but he really wanted to try and was being genuine and helped me through a lot of my pain as a friend and more
He can say that it felt like losing his virginity, but it would sound cringy for people to hear him say that he actually lost his virginity to you. Tell him that his phrasing would make it sound truer.
You gave him a chance? How very kind of you. How about you get over yourself.
I already explained this in another comment. I did give him a chance. Because he used to be a really bad person a year ago and would use girls and justify cheating. He worked on himself a lot the past year and despite how he used to be, and despite me just getting out of a toxic relationship and not wanting to be with anyone, I gave him a chance because he wanted to try and he proved to me that he changed. If you’re not going to contribute anything meaningful and just spread negativity you should just keep scrolling
I'm sorry you have to deal with a lot of these guys on this app attacking you for having legitimate worries. I don't have any real advice here other than if you're really concerned about the lasting mental damage it could cause, consult a therapist and ask THEM for advice. A trained professional will give you much better advice than random dudes on the internet who sympathize with your boyfriend and occasionally feel the need to twist your words against you. I really just wanted to apologize for the way some of these people are treating you as you seem really sweet and nice, and most importantly, you are looking out for him not because you want him to be better for you, but for himself. Best of luck.
Thank you, I know a lot of people on here assume the worst about posters, like I want to be right over his desire to feel safe, when I really just didn’t know how to react. Some of my friends irl told me I really should just gently try to get him to accept the truth of the matter for his own good, but I was unsure so that’s why I’m asking here. I appreciate you being kind 🩷
Any therapist will tell you that it's HIS healing journey. Don't push him, he obviously felt vulnerable enough to tell you this and to take that away from him could do more harm than good, but I say this with respect towards both parties.
thank you, i appreciate that. I won’t push him.
Id agree u just cant change the meaning of the word virginity to what you feel. Its meaning is 1st time you had sex. He didn't lose his virginity to you, but you were the 1st he made love too. He could easily say that and it is true and sounds better too. 'I had sex before but lost my virginity to you' doesn't sound as good as ' your the 1st woman I ever made love too'. Maybe suggest that, but in all honesty, it doesn't really matter.
I feel so bad for your boyfriend tbh.
Do you live him? I'm going to assume he has said it to you basically from the start. It might explain your feelings about this situation. He is clearly infatuated with you maybe too much in all honesty.
I do love him, I’ve loved him for a long time as a friend and now as a lover, and yes sometimes I think he’s too infatuated. But he tries his best to treat me well especially because he knows about my past with toxic relationships
Holy overthinking!
the entire concept of virginity is ridiculous anyway. like who cares about semantics. it feels weird that you’re even questioning it… do you often feel the need to be right and to correct him? you’ve got a good guy here. he truly loves you
What's the problem?
I'm a 19 year old guy and single and have never lost my virginity. Who wants to be my girlfriend?
Let it go and don’t contest him on it. Means a lot to him and you’re downplaying it.
Ma'am, I was raped at the age of 4. It continued nightly until I was 14. I didn't have consensual sex until I was 19. When did I lose my virginity in your eyes? If he was coerced and under the influence, then I would argue that he did not lose his virginity until he met you. Top comment here says "do you want to be happy or do you want to be right?" I agree with the sentiment, with a simple caveat. You are _wrong._ Do not argue with him about this.
I’ve always believed that victims of rape and SA absolutely didn’t lose their virginity until they consensually had sex. However, my bf doesn’t feel like it was SA because he felt like he wanted it at the time, but he puts it as he “raped himself” because he pressured himself to participate in hookup culture because of outside influences even though he didn’t want to. He was also high/drunk most of the time because he was not happy. There *were* two girls who did really pressure him into it even though he said he didn’t want to though, but for the other two, like I said, he doesn’t believe he was SA’d by them, more like he was raped by himself, if that makes sense. Regardless, he was uncomfortable and under the influence and felt pressure, even if the person themselves didn’t force themself on him. I’m sorry that happened to you. My first time was also forced/coercion, but I just accepted it as, I trusted the wrong person and I learned from it. I was naive at the time and stayed with my then boyfriend who took it, for a while. Only after leaving did I realize it was rape/nonconsensual
Dude, just hug him…
Does it matter, really?
This is like girl math for body counts. “I didn’t like that guy so he didn’t count”. The concepts of virginity and body counts are stupid.
It literally doesn’t matter. Plain and simple.
He literally lied to you
Sex and making love big difference that’s what I’m going through also I had a sexual encounter in the past when I was young. So sadly I can’t fully say I’m a virgin but I will be making love one day to my current gf. I just want to be happy.
Dude sounds delusional
Why do you care? Sounds kind of a douchey thing to argue with him about - he’s just being kind.
Okay but how the hell have you been in 3 long term relationships and still 22 ?? Did you had your first bf at age of 10 ?
It’s actually gross to me that u feel the need to correct him on this. The sentiment is really sweet and you’re totally missing it bc of semantics, plus it’s hurtful and you’re disregarding his feelings here.
Congratulations
Thanks for the good news update!
Tell him to accept it and not fight it The more he tries to fight the truth the more he will stress out He should be willing to accept his past and move on happily knowing it doesn't matter, now it's only gonna be you
I may be wrong but he might have had that casual sex while still being hung up on you. You were with other guys and he just wanted to feel better someway. He kept on having the casual sex because he was horny (obv) but maybe had a heavy heart? When he finally got to be with you he thought to himself, how do I make this more special? This was the thing he made up. Maybe he just doesn’t want anyone else to be his first. He’s in it for the long haul and maybe this just makes his story more perfect. But as a woman, this thing will annoy you after awhile so it’s better to just address it. Be open about what annoys you and how you feel about it.
I think this definitely had something to do with it too. He loved me for a long time and I know it was hard for him to see me in a long term relationship
Don’t be surprised if it had roughed his self esteem up a bit too. Things are not always as they seem but to be helplessly in love with someone who is not with you eats you up. You really need to be head strong in order to handle this carefully plus, you need to love him a lot. Take care of each other and build him up because whether you like it or not you would have to either just be there and listen, nudge him in the right direction or play an active role and put effort towards it.
thank you, I really appreciate the advice. It’s true that it probably was really hard for him for the years that I was dating someone else. I definitely will try to be gentle and consider those feelings as we navigate our relationship
No problem at all. Also try not to lose yourself in the process. Heal yourself, just because he is in a tough spot doesn’t mean you bottle up your stuff too. I have realized that if you are not at your 100% you can’t help anyone else to get to their 100% as well.
From my experience with drugs and the sex that comes with it, it sounds to me that he’s in denial about it. I went to a few rehabs at the 12 step ones accepting you have a problem and want to stop. Sounds like he won’t relapse but if he try to hide the past and forget about it instead of learning and moving on it could haunt him for life. If you bring it up calmly and with facts about how holding onto the past in any way you do it isn’t healthy and it’s caused me lots of pain
I definitely am worried that he’ll just be trying to change the narrative of what happened in the past instead of truly processing and learning from it. But I hope that he’s really accepted it deep down, and has learned both from using substances (weed, alcohol) and having casual sex that it didn’t make him happy or fulfilled
Just tell him how it makes you feel and he should think about it more. Nobody will be fixed Unless they make the change first
Are you from like Oman or Saudi Arabia? Where are you living that 22 year old women have this attitude around sex lol The poor guy probably just doesn’t know how to react to being shamed for having sex by his girlfriend lol
It’s interesting because you seem to be shaming me for my view of sex in your comment. I don’t think it’s wrong of me to not like hookup culture and believe sex should be with someone meaningful and someone you love/care about, and to want my partner to have those compatible beliefs. I was upset that we both agreed and had deep talks about how sex should be special, and then he abandoned those beliefs and that caused him to hurt himself and feel disgusted and uncomfortable, which is something he can’t take back and he wishes he could. He didn’t actually view sex as casual, and that’s why he always felt disgusted and gross after, because he knew he was going against what he actually believed. I remember when I was just his friend, I just felt sad for him because I knew he was betraying what he really felt and hurting himself simply because of this hookup culture pressure that is pushed upon men. Every time he told me sex makes him uncomfortable and he doesn’t like it, I told him it’s because it’s not with someone he actually likes. If he always viewed it casually and unemotional, that’s fine and his opinion, but we probably wouldn’t be compatible romantically/sexually because I need to have a mutual connection to enjoy sex. I’m from America btw, I just have a different opinion than most people here
Well based on the way you’re describing this it sounds like the guy felt pressured because of your extreme views on sex to conform with those views I promise you no straight 21 yo guy w everything functioning properly is “disgusted by sex” nor should he be shamed for enjoying sex I would say your views are in the extreme minority and you’re putting sex in a category with things like doing heroin - replace having casual sex with doing heroin in your post and it’d still flow fine
He felt disgusted by it even before we were dating, some people just don’t like casual sex and that’s totally fine. I remember when I was just his friend, he’d join calls and talk about how he thought he was asexual and how sex never feels right and he doesn’t like it. He stopped having sex for a year after the two months where he was abusing drugs and in a bad place because of it, he didn’t do that for me, he did it because *he* didn’t like it and felt disgusted by it
“Define his own virginity” - it’s pretty clear nowadays that words have no meaning when you allow people to define everything for themselves. This is a massive gen z red flag lol.
How dare you questions 'his truth' lol
You are both way too young to be having these serious of thoughts, the issue is you won’t understand till later anyways so just don’t think about this too much and do what you feel is right.
Your boyfriend might not be the sharpest tool in the shed!
Or possibly the opposite... And he uses the "you're my REAL first time" line with every girl
He probably says the same thing to every chick he nails. He’s lost his virginity 20 times now.
Welcome to /r/dating_advice! Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind. Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Okay 😂 ? Let the dude be happy. Next we’ll see you posting on here again talking about how you to got into a fight and on edge of a breakup lmao
why would you even think about dying on this hill
>He was in love with me for a long time, basically obsessed with me. I recently got out of a toxic relationship and gave him a chance. Heh. This is the only thing one needs to read.
You sound like a redpillian😂
Depends whether you value fact's or not? Cos if he's playing this loose with disregarding his own sexual history, I guarantee there's going to be a growing number of times when he'll simply refuse to accept facts and refer to things like "my truth" If you're someone who cares about honesty and reality then that kind of thing will really grate over time.
That’s what I’m scared of, this kind of mentality spreading into other scenarios. I believe it’s okay here but I don’t want it to be pattern behavior and him to twist reality when he makes mistakes in the future
It's also worth noting that people that have a pattern of behaviour like that, conveniently on have this twisted reality when it's in their favour. I've never come across anyone using 'their truth' when it favours someone else or puts them on the back foot lol. I guess in your case you'd have to wait and see if it is a pattern or a one off. Or if you don't want to take the risk and feel like you're wasting time on someone then you could always deliberately bring up a point of contention (something mild) and see how they react. Can't think of any good examples off the top of my head, especially not knowing this person, but maybe something like talk about the moon landings. Just something were they have the option of favouring their opinion over objective fact and see how they react.
Are you really debating if it's more imprtant to be 100% technically right or for him to be happy and feel special about you. You seem autistic, no offense.