I was in a similar situation not even a year ago. My daughter is 6 months old now. I had to escape, he chose alcohol and drugs over his family, and became violent, kicking us out when I was 7 months pregnant. I have a restraining order against him and I had my baby with the support of my family. Please, if he isn't serious about getting clean, go home. There's no shame in leaving, he should be ashamed of himself for not choosing you and your precious baby. God bless you, I'm praying for you ❤️
Same thing happened to me. When I fell in further than ever in drugs, my own family had to get restraining orders, I couldn’t see them anymore, I was lost so lost, wanted to die every day. I had lost my gf I felt so lonely even tho I was always with friends and girls, I always needed my fix, I was shooting up opioids and meth while selling coke and crack. Everything I owned was stolen, one day I came in my appartement and I realized one of my clients probably stole everything and he also destroyed my apartment so I was on the street for a few months until I OD’d on fent. I was 18. I’m now 19yo off drugs, been a year now! I’m living with my mother and back in school. Never lose hope
Yup I realized how lucky or strong I am for stoping my drug habits when I saw all my friends stay behind and not go forward in life with me. Very sad to see my friends going deeper and deeper especially when I’ve been to the deepest (death) and I know how little power I have on there addiction.
There’s absolutely nothing you can do to help an addict other than give him the tools to stay safe. Sobriety will come from the person and if it dosent then it will never come. As sad as it sounds allot of people let the drugs stop them (kill them) instead of stopping the drugs.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you, dear *giant hug* it's never easy to deal with someone you love struggling with alcohol, but with you being pregnant?!? I can totally understand you feeling like you are in hell. Your body is creating new life & you are dealing with all this, my heart goes out to you darling.
I wish I could reach out to you over the internet, give you a big bowl of steaming hearty stew & brush your hair for you. ❤
If you just can't with real food, those meal replacement shakes are great. Even Gatorade or pedialyte.
Poor OP. I don't eat when I'm very upset/depressed so I totally understand. It mist be 10x worse being pregnant :(
Ring is still on. Haven't given up on his drunken behavior. If you want a better life, you have to sever ties and move on. Until you do this, it will be a perpetual nightmare. Best of luck.
Time to bring a baby into the mix. Pretty sure this was an issue with the father 6 months ago too.
Nothing helps a situation like adding a vulnerable child into a failing support system and an alcoholic father.
You may want to go to the Emergency Room and see if you can be admitted for mental health. "Psych wards" exist for a reason, and there is NO shame in going. They can help you really get yourself together in preparation for that new little one.
Some hospitals even have a partial hospitalization program where you attend during the day and go home at night. You have access to doctors, psychiatrists, different types of therapy, food, etc. while you are there, and likely you can also access a social worker to make a game plan for what is next for you and your baby.
Wishing you love and hope. Hold on, and things will get better. Reach out and ask for help, and there will be plenty of people willing to do so.
I've BEEN in your shoes hun! I don't know your circumstances but I promise it's better to be a single parent, than live with an addict who refuses to get help!
Sorry this is happening to you. 🙁
I wish I could just give you a big giant hug 🫂 and try to comfort you. I would’ve also offered some comfort food or whatever if it would help.
Honestly I feel you should avoid him if he is an alcoholic and uses drugs as that is never going to end well until he goes to AA & NA & sober up.
yeah it is, she wants to hear that itll be okay and hell get better but the reality is that if he cant stay away from alcohol and find better ways to cope for his future wife and child then she needs to focus on herself until he does. when that baby comes she going to need as much help and as little stress as possible. the man shes with now isnt going to be able to do where he is right now. she needs to surround herself with support and healthy people for the babys sake. if not then she can develop postpartum depression if its not already in the cards and then the situation gets 100x worse. all love to her, but she needs better support systems and tell him the reality of the situation when/if he returns from his bender.
I am an alcoholic. I'm also a medical doctor (resident). Telling people to give up because someone is an addict is horrible advice. An unexpected pregnancy is a huge trigger and many people run away from that - especially avoidant personality types who are prone to addiction (i.e., alcohol). But that CAN be resolved.
Please for the love of god stop giving bad advice to strangers.
Is actually great advice to cut alcoholics out of your life when you need to focus on having a whole ass baby. The best thing OP can do is get far away from that dude before her baby is born.
No one needs to worry about what triggered an alcoholic to drink, alcoholics gonna drink. All you need to know is that if there is a relapse after a period of sobriety, they were probably lying about the sobriety.
Only replying to the last part because that's what stuck out to me: that doesn't quite make sense. It's not a relapse if they've been drinking the whole time, a relapse is falling back into use after time intentionally abstaining. People relapse all the time unfortunately, it's a part of beating addiction, saying someone who slips up was obviously drinking/using the whole time is false and will only cause people to support recovering addicts less.
Depends on the alcoholic, but also you said if someone relapses then they never got sober, which isn't true and it wouldn't be a relapse then because there was no break in the drinking. So yes, people can go into recovery and end up relapsing, doesn't mean they never stopped drinking.
shes also got a baby coming in 3 months, so shes got that amount of time to help him before shes gonna have to juggle an addict who goes MIA and a newborn and also her own sanity. im not saying give up on addicts. addiction is a disease just like any other and deserves care and attention and love and tenderness— but so does a baby. and yes of course having a baby is a trigger but if he cant find someone to talk to or find a better way to cope NOW how in the world is he going to handle the baby’s actual arrival? im not saying give up on the addict or addicts or her fiancée im saying choose the wellfare of her baby and herself. because its a better gamble to let him get his shit together than it is to try and handle all of it at once. and if shes already got depression i cant imagine how that situation is going to impact her even at the best case scenario.
You've replied I think 4 times to me so I'll just reply once to this one.
You are d.e.a.d. wrong. We don't know enough about OP's partner's alcoholism to prescribe her leaving him. For all we know it's mild and the baby news was a trigger (as it would be for many people - even non-addicts).
Frankly your style of vindictive angry "advice" is a plague on people trying to repair their relationships.
It's not news to her. But I'm talking about him. Usually when people deviate from their routine there is a trigger. Maybe it was this. Or maybe he already knew of this and it was something else. The key is we don't know enough.
It is so easy to tell an OP that his/her partner is evil and wrong and they should leave. But it's almost always more complicated than that. Usually I just let it go. But since there is going to be a child involved - I felt I had to speak up.
Neither alcoholism nor avoidant personality are signs of a healthy parent. Both take significant time and resources to overcome separately. Having both exacerbates this. This is obviously not the first time alcohol has come into play here. As a pregnant and then new mom OP maynot have supports for themselves much less for another unhealthy person. It is socially and statistically prudent to point that the chance of a fiance making a huge change is low.
As someone who works in a title 1 school and sees the damage that both can cause it's not healthy. It's not a safe environment.
With my first born I had to walked away from my child's father that had drug an alcohol addiction, I decidedI wanted more for my child I wanted my child to have nice birthdays and Christmases and nice clothes money not spent on him even though I loved him I loved my child more.I started to go to medical assistant and I never looked backed.You can stay strong for your unborn child
You know, one day you will be looking at your beautiful child, playing on a playground, and all of this will be a distant memory. I’m sorry things are so hard right now, but it will get better. It will not always be this way.
When you're going through hell don't stop, this is a time when you need to focus on what works best for you and the baby, I know this is hard to hear, but; changing yourself is hard (really hard), changing someone else is impossible. I hope you have and can cultivate a good support structure around you, please don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm, don't give away 100% of yourself away to someone who you cannot be trusted with it. I wish you all the best x
Please reach out for help if you have anyone. I went through a similar experience but with meth. I felt so isolated and was embarrassed to reach out to anyone. I did not enjoy my pregnancy at all it’s my biggest regret. I am certain I suffered with prepartum depression. I felt nothing but shame in the situation I was in. Especially since I would say I would never be in a situation like this and if I were I would leave and be resilient and blah blah blah. My pride got the better of me and I felt like I had to stick through it with no help. It wasn’t until I spoke up that I saw how OFTEN this happens.
Please momma🙏🏼 look out for yourself first and foremost. I know it’s scary as HELL to go through it alone. But you won’t be alone, I can promise you that. Just please don’t close yourself off. Making this post is a step forward, keep going and no matter how hard days seem to be remind yourself that you are human. There will be good days and bad days and through all this, your little one will be by your side and will be exploding with pure love just for you.
You are a strong momma, you are strong and resilient. Never forget that♥️ you can message me for anything , sometimes talking to a stranger with no judgement helps. No judgement here. Humans fuck up. We ALL need compassion and most importantly, love♥️
I’m very sorry to hear that. It must be very hard and draining for you. Keep in mind to stay strong, I believe you can get through this and sooner or later I hope you realize that you’re not just a survivor, you’re a warrior and you’re so much stronger than anything that life throws your way. Give yourself another chance, another day. Don’t give up just yet. You can do it! I’m here if you ever need someone to talk to OP 🫶🏼
The first two years of getting clean is called the recovery period.. you can get clean/sober in a week but your brain still has a lot to over come... I lapsed like 5 times in my first year.. 2tikes in my second year and been clean/sober ever since... My relapses went from being a week or two long, to being a few days, to being one day long. I find AA is a joke, I never fucked with it. The idea of constantly having to "restart" is exhausting and I probably wouldda given up.. after all how many times are u gunna try the same thing before u realise it doesn't work. That's what they say is insanity right? But if u look at it as one journey you learn a new lesson each time and end up stronger after every relapse... Every relapse I had I learned a very important lesson, except for the last one. The last one was completely empty and I just knew I made it... Just stay in a safe space and focus on you, if he's gunna learn his lesson he's gunna learn it, if he's not, then at least u didn't waste time worrying about it.... Christmas will ALWAYS be the hardest time of year unless your addiction revolves around a certain incident. Christmas just makes everything hard
Sorry for that so sad for the situation you have. Please do not hurt yourself n hurt your baby too. U need to be strong for the Baby, maybe there was a reason for him relapsing or smth which triggered that, some people u can't change that needs to come from within them. Please please think of the baby n yourself. I hope you get over this ❤️🙏🏾
if you haven’t already, you should check out r/AlAnon 🖤 see if there’s a meeting you can attend online or in person. there are people there to support you.
I came to the comments hoping someone had recommended AlAnon. There are times in my life where I definitely should have sought them out instead of suffering alone. It probably feels like you are alone right now, OP, but you don’t have to be.
I went to one Al-Anon meeting (with a 3 month old baby in tow). It was… depressing, but informative? It wasn’t for me, but I’d still recommend at least trying one or two different meetings. All groups are different.
It’s a tale as old as time. Booze is the down fall of so many men, fathers, brothers, sons. I know it’s tough and can seem hopeless at times but you WILL get through this. Do it for you and your baby. I’ve known quite a few young mothers who had to raise their children by themselves (sometimes with help from family/supportive loved ones) and they truly are some of the strongest warriors I’ve ever known. You got this girl!! Don’t ever stop fighting for the life you and your baby deserve!
🎵“Ooh, child, things are gonna get easier. Ooh, child, things will get brighter.”🎵
Do you have anyone to go to for the evening/week? Do not be alone sweetie, you are going through something very traumatic and carrying a baby makes it much more scary, emotional, and dangerous for you. Keeping u in my thoughts.
Things always seem way more out of control and extreme when you’re 6 months pregnant. Just remember that. You are more capable of changing your situation then you think
it sounds like you're in shock. put one foot ahead of the next 💜 i encourage you to text/call someone you trust or 911 to be with you as you seek out safety for yourself & your baby by going to a hospital. you don't have to do this alone
Deep breath. Slow down. Trust me, there are people out there who love you and will help in ways you might not get. You might need to talk call a crisis line and vent. Or go and talk to a girlfriend. I'm a guy he might be scared of responsibility of taking care of a little petson, or he's a piece of shit. People are always here to listen, just got to reach out.
I’m so sorry dear, you don’t deserve any of this!! It takes lots of courage to break up especially when you’re pregnant and so vulnerable right now. Maybe you’re not ready at this moment but build some good support, be healthy, so one day you will be ready dear 💕💕
Oh, honey. I am so, *so* sorry. Addiction is such a fucking beast. It hurts everyone it touches. I know there's probably a lot of love between you and your fiancé. And I know how addiction can just make you choke on that love. I always wish for the best, and I really hope that he gets clean and comes back to precious you and your precious baby. Free of the alcohol, I bet he has the makings to be a loving husband and father. But if he's not ready to fight for his sobriety and fight for his family, there is no shame at all in not agreeing to go down with him.
Your baby needs you to fight for them, now. And you deserve to fight for yourself, too. And you aren't alone.
Sorry to hear that. I'm an alcoholic too who runs away from his problems. The small good news is that it isn't out of hatred. If you can find him it might still work.
If you want to talk DM me. I think I understand what he's thinking.
You'll remained trapped until you start taking responsibility for your own life. Forget him. He's going to do what he's going to do regardless of your nagging and pleading. He's on his own path. You need to start thinking of yourself and your baby and what type of life you want.
Let go of codependency
Start tmrw by maybe getting someone to talk to. Some services that they can provide. Don’t be ashamed to ask for help. And don’t be mad at him. Don’t just forgive him either. I’m just saying that I have been him. And it isn’t easy for him either.
Hun please eat a meal. If not for you, for the baby. I know it's hard, but a healthy babe needs food. And I don't just mean babe in the literal sense. Y'all both need it. You've got this. He's a dick, eat some good food and enjoy it. I'll send you food funds if you need.
I might be biased but you shouldn’t tolerate this, you can’t control what other do, but you can choose to take action based on your beliefs. Do you think it would be a good idea to raise a baby with an alcoholic who just leaves all the time? Think about your baby, it’s not just you in the picture
Be glad he showed his true colours before a divorce proceeding with visitation was needed. It sucks extremely hard and you must be gutted but this is all you're in for if you don't leave his ass. Your future child doesn't deserve him in their life if he would abandon his pregnant fiance for booze
Get help! Don't marry an addicted person. You can live together when he is clean, but there is always the risk of a relapse. I had alcoholics in the family and they were not enrichment.
I’m sorry. I’m sending you so much love right now. It might not feel like it right now, but there will be brighter times. I hope you can manage to eat something soon ❤️
If he wanted to be sober and be there for you then he would, I hope you know that and find a way to shift your attention to taking care of your needs in this vulnerable time. I'm so sorry he ended up not being who you thought he was, maybe things will get easier without him in the picture after all is said and done? I wish you the best ❤️
I wish I was there to make you hot decaf tea and tell you what a beautiful person you are … hugs so much!
You’re going to be okay. You need to have a plan though. You are strong and sometimes you need to let people go and bring the focus back to yourself and baby❤️ I’m praying for you and baby❤️
I am so sorry you’re going through this. I’ve been there, pregnant with our first child and wondering where he is (he never ran away but would take off for hours). When our son was 6 months, he had an aha moment and checked into rehab - he’s been sober since (17 years!) But he had to come to it himself, and I know just how lucky we are. I strongly endorse all the advice to get yourself out. It is amazing the things you will do when you have a child that you never could never have imagined otherwise. 🩷
I'm in a similar situation. I just found out that my partner is a drug addict and now mine and my 5 yr olds daughters lives have fallen apart. To top it off I found him dead in the basement and had to revive him.
I have two kids with a lifelong addict and spent a lot of years of my life enabling him. Finally left and realized what a waste of time it was trying to save someone from their own choices. Hope you find a way to navigate what's best for yourself because that's what matters the most.
Sending lots of love to you, i am so sorry you have to go through this. You deserve a better partner and you should start making your own luck. Be jn charge, take the command and don't wait for him.
It's not your fault, he probably thinks he's doing you and his child a favour. This is how the alcoholic mind works. He needs help, but he has to want that help.
If it makes you feel any better, my fiance ran off with another man, when we had a 1.5 year old child together and where looking for a house. Can't say anything gotten much better for me and I'm depressed and suicidal almost every day even though I'm with someone else now with a new kid, so I can't say things get better. But at least I still haven't pulled the trigger yet.
I almost lost my wofe and kids because I couldn’t stop drinking. I am over a year sober now and it’s been the best decision I made in my entire life. I don’t even think about booze anymore and when I’m spending time with my wife and kids it’s all worth it. treatment has helped me a lot maybe that will be an option for him.
Focus on yourself and your baby please! my mom went all her pregnancy depressed and i am now fuck up (plus trauma) it is so important that you at least have a calm pregnancy, please love your kid a lot and demonstrate it to him/her.
My dad was a drunk, made him abusive towards my mum. He died on my 16th birthday, I only wish I could have helped.
But I just wish my mum would have left him sooner, instead of letting him destroy mine, my brothers childhoods and my mums life for a while.
I wish you the best of luck and the best life for your child, please do what is best for that child, as that is priority now, if he won't make his baby priority, you HAVE to.
I'm sorry this decision falls onto you, but don't have your kid growing up asking, could they have done more?
❤️
I'm an alcoholic in recovery.
You get the fuck out. That kid doesn't deserve to be raised in an unfunctional household with a relapsing alcoholic who is acting this is way.
Good, that means he won’t be around to ruin your unborn child’s life with his alcoholism. You’re better off without him than an alcoholic for your child’s father. He may change, but it won’t be in the next 3 months when you give birth
I'm so sorry you're going through this, OP. That's a lot to deal with. Do you have a support system that might able to help you?
Addiction can rob us of the people we love. And there's nothing we can do to change it because they have to be the ones to make the choice to give it up. I hope you don't blame yourself for it.
There are support groups out there for your situation. Al-Anon was extremely helpful for my family when I was going through my addiction. Sending positive vibes and love your way, addicts can be extremely tough to deal with.
I went through this - I married him though. When I finally got the courage to leave and stand up for myself it was when my daughter was 5 and I thought if she was going through this and came to me, I would tell her to leave, to not put up with it. And it dawned on me that if I expected my daughter to love herself enough to leave, I had to do it to teach her. I'm wishing you the best and I hope what ever you choose to do - it works out for you!
get actual real life help. you are commenting on a depression meals subreddit, for fuck's sake. call a friend, a family member. your mental health needs to improve, you can't be saying that shit at 6 months. fuck that guy, focus on getting your life and your mental health right for the baby.
Seems that is HIS problem. He can come back from this if he so chooses. Just a minor setback. Maybe think about his struggles as well as your own? Best of luck
As someone who has been struggling to stay sober from alcohol, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Much love to you and the babe ❤️ And honestly love to your fiance as well, I hope he can realize what he's losing if he continues down this path and doesn't get help
I'm so sorry. Take care of yourself and your baby as well as you can. Start planning and moving toward the exit in a smart, strategic way. Start saving money anyway possible.
Hopefully, he can go to AA and will have a desire to change.
Just work on yourself and stay looking forward to the day you can escape.
I'm praying for you!!
People can be so awful and selfish it's unbelievable!!
I’m so sorry. I have experienced this as well. It’s very hard. I hope your situation gets better. Please talk to someone you trust. Lean on them, and most importantly take care of yourself and your baby. ❤️
Do you have a support system? If you do, I would be in frequent contact with them and possibly even try to move into abstable environment for you and your baby. If you don't, I would contact your family doc and see if they can get you set up with a social worker who can help you find housing and support during this shitty time.
how long has he been sober?
im an ex heroin addict , have 4 years clean, had a few relapses before that , getting clean is a struggle, and if your not an addict its something you can never truely understand.
i dont know this guy or your situation so i cant really say much else. id wait to see if he gets clean for the kid or not , then make your decision
I’m sorry, I know it’s hard. I went through a similar event while I was pregnant. What you need to now I talking care of that beast inside you. They don’t do well with stress And sadness. Is gonna be ok
I have been there!!!!! My son is 15 now. I got all the raising and he got all the paying. You can do this. From one mom to another: I BELIEVE IN YOU!!!
I’m so sorry. Single mom here. Not the exact same boat but I understand the thought. This is temporary and you can change what you want. You can. It’s fucking so hard and you can cry as much as you need. You can be okay.
None of us know the length of his sobriety or the length of this relapse. Nor do we know the history of your relationship. We are not the ones you should look to for advice on your relationship. We can offer words of encouragement and support. — If you actually feel like you want to kill yourself and are not just striking out with words, please seek help at your local hospital ER, suicide hotline, or call your OB doctor for advice. If you have a therapist call them. If you have supportive parents or family reach out to them. You need a support system around you right now. Good luck.
Do not put him on the birth certificate. Do not accept him back. Move in with family, friends, anyone that will be kind while your body prepares the baby. Ghost him if possible. It will turn out much better for you if you can. Good luck friend, we’re rooting for you. You WILL get through this.
I don’t believe speaking things help things become reality, but I just want to say this “in case”…I hope his relapse is just a relapse and he gets back on track. I hope you can have a good life with this man. I hope he treats you and your child right. I hope you don’t end up in a cycle of chaos. I hope the chaos ends. I hope that if there is no sign of the chaos ending, you walk away. I hope you have other people in your life to support you. Amen/blessed be.
A little tough love here, but you’ve got to get it together for the sake of your child. Whether your fiancé comes back or not, gets help or not, ends up being a part of your family or not, it doesn’t matter. Right now your only focus should be you and that child that you’re carrying. Start creating your support network now because you’re going to need it.
He did this last week, too, didn't he? He isn't going to change as long as he doesn't feel he has any reason to change. This baby isn't "real" to him yet. They say it's only real to them once they see the baby. Call your family. I know it's hard to lay your shit out on the table, but it's just as revealing as what you're doing here on reddit. It's hard and it's embarrassing but you need to stick around to meet this baby. I promise you things can be different. It doesn't feel like you can change anything right now but you can. It won't be overnight. But this isn't everything. The way you feel right now isn't permanent. You can have a completely different reality that suits you if you can be brave enough to be uncomfortable for just a little while.
*you're not stuck to him. He doesn't validate you as a person. You are your own person and you are very important to someone new right now. I'm begging you to remember "this too shall pass". Something amazing is coming and it's going to change every fiber of your being. Literally, your cells will change. You can be exactly who you want to be for that child. Just stay brave.
I was in a similar situation not even a year ago. My daughter is 6 months old now. I had to escape, he chose alcohol and drugs over his family, and became violent, kicking us out when I was 7 months pregnant. I have a restraining order against him and I had my baby with the support of my family. Please, if he isn't serious about getting clean, go home. There's no shame in leaving, he should be ashamed of himself for not choosing you and your precious baby. God bless you, I'm praying for you ❤️
Same thing happened to me. When I fell in further than ever in drugs, my own family had to get restraining orders, I couldn’t see them anymore, I was lost so lost, wanted to die every day. I had lost my gf I felt so lonely even tho I was always with friends and girls, I always needed my fix, I was shooting up opioids and meth while selling coke and crack. Everything I owned was stolen, one day I came in my appartement and I realized one of my clients probably stole everything and he also destroyed my apartment so I was on the street for a few months until I OD’d on fent. I was 18. I’m now 19yo off drugs, been a year now! I’m living with my mother and back in school. Never lose hope
Wow!! Good for you. Keep going. You're a rare statistic. Stay strong!
Yup I realized how lucky or strong I am for stoping my drug habits when I saw all my friends stay behind and not go forward in life with me. Very sad to see my friends going deeper and deeper especially when I’ve been to the deepest (death) and I know how little power I have on there addiction. There’s absolutely nothing you can do to help an addict other than give him the tools to stay safe. Sobriety will come from the person and if it dosent then it will never come. As sad as it sounds allot of people let the drugs stop them (kill them) instead of stopping the drugs.
Stay strong. Happy/proud for you 😊😊 you got this
I'm so sorry this is happening to you, dear *giant hug* it's never easy to deal with someone you love struggling with alcohol, but with you being pregnant?!? I can totally understand you feeling like you are in hell. Your body is creating new life & you are dealing with all this, my heart goes out to you darling. I wish I could reach out to you over the internet, give you a big bowl of steaming hearty stew & brush your hair for you. ❤
I love this response.
My therapist would always remind me to eat something. Even if its some chips or fast food. I hope you find the strength to eat something.
If you just can't with real food, those meal replacement shakes are great. Even Gatorade or pedialyte. Poor OP. I don't eat when I'm very upset/depressed so I totally understand. It mist be 10x worse being pregnant :(
Sorry to hear. I hope that you have someone else or a family that can offer you support at this hard time
Ring is still on. Haven't given up on his drunken behavior. If you want a better life, you have to sever ties and move on. Until you do this, it will be a perpetual nightmare. Best of luck.
Time to bring a baby into the mix. Pretty sure this was an issue with the father 6 months ago too. Nothing helps a situation like adding a vulnerable child into a failing support system and an alcoholic father.
You’re not helping anyone here with a comment like this. You’re just being cruel and patronizing on top of an already fucked up situation.
Sometimes both people can want a child but have two different ideas about the person they need to be to support a child.
I hope you know that both you and your unborn baby deserve better in life❤️
I’m heartbroken for you. Try to eat for the baby when you can. Sending love.
My uncaffeinated brain read "try to eat the baby when you can"
Mouse advice
Imagine having the ability to create steaks through sex and not even capitalizing on it
You may want to go to the Emergency Room and see if you can be admitted for mental health. "Psych wards" exist for a reason, and there is NO shame in going. They can help you really get yourself together in preparation for that new little one. Some hospitals even have a partial hospitalization program where you attend during the day and go home at night. You have access to doctors, psychiatrists, different types of therapy, food, etc. while you are there, and likely you can also access a social worker to make a game plan for what is next for you and your baby. Wishing you love and hope. Hold on, and things will get better. Reach out and ask for help, and there will be plenty of people willing to do so.
I've BEEN in your shoes hun! I don't know your circumstances but I promise it's better to be a single parent, than live with an addict who refuses to get help!
Sorry this is happening to you. 🙁 I wish I could just give you a big giant hug 🫂 and try to comfort you. I would’ve also offered some comfort food or whatever if it would help. Honestly I feel you should avoid him if he is an alcoholic and uses drugs as that is never going to end well until he goes to AA & NA & sober up.
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I don't think that's what she needs to hear right now
yeah it is, she wants to hear that itll be okay and hell get better but the reality is that if he cant stay away from alcohol and find better ways to cope for his future wife and child then she needs to focus on herself until he does. when that baby comes she going to need as much help and as little stress as possible. the man shes with now isnt going to be able to do where he is right now. she needs to surround herself with support and healthy people for the babys sake. if not then she can develop postpartum depression if its not already in the cards and then the situation gets 100x worse. all love to her, but she needs better support systems and tell him the reality of the situation when/if he returns from his bender.
I am an alcoholic. I'm also a medical doctor (resident). Telling people to give up because someone is an addict is horrible advice. An unexpected pregnancy is a huge trigger and many people run away from that - especially avoidant personality types who are prone to addiction (i.e., alcohol). But that CAN be resolved. Please for the love of god stop giving bad advice to strangers.
Are you saying, as a doctor, people should *stay* with their alcoholic partners?
Is actually great advice to cut alcoholics out of your life when you need to focus on having a whole ass baby. The best thing OP can do is get far away from that dude before her baby is born. No one needs to worry about what triggered an alcoholic to drink, alcoholics gonna drink. All you need to know is that if there is a relapse after a period of sobriety, they were probably lying about the sobriety.
Only replying to the last part because that's what stuck out to me: that doesn't quite make sense. It's not a relapse if they've been drinking the whole time, a relapse is falling back into use after time intentionally abstaining. People relapse all the time unfortunately, it's a part of beating addiction, saying someone who slips up was obviously drinking/using the whole time is false and will only cause people to support recovering addicts less.
Alcoholics lie a lot about being sober.
Depends on the alcoholic, but also you said if someone relapses then they never got sober, which isn't true and it wouldn't be a relapse then because there was no break in the drinking. So yes, people can go into recovery and end up relapsing, doesn't mean they never stopped drinking.
shes also got a baby coming in 3 months, so shes got that amount of time to help him before shes gonna have to juggle an addict who goes MIA and a newborn and also her own sanity. im not saying give up on addicts. addiction is a disease just like any other and deserves care and attention and love and tenderness— but so does a baby. and yes of course having a baby is a trigger but if he cant find someone to talk to or find a better way to cope NOW how in the world is he going to handle the baby’s actual arrival? im not saying give up on the addict or addicts or her fiancée im saying choose the wellfare of her baby and herself. because its a better gamble to let him get his shit together than it is to try and handle all of it at once. and if shes already got depression i cant imagine how that situation is going to impact her even at the best case scenario.
its not terrible advice if you look at it from everyones perspective and not just the addict.
You've replied I think 4 times to me so I'll just reply once to this one. You are d.e.a.d. wrong. We don't know enough about OP's partner's alcoholism to prescribe her leaving him. For all we know it's mild and the baby news was a trigger (as it would be for many people - even non-addicts). Frankly your style of vindictive angry "advice" is a plague on people trying to repair their relationships.
She’s 6 months pregnant…it’s not news at this point.
It's not news to her. But I'm talking about him. Usually when people deviate from their routine there is a trigger. Maybe it was this. Or maybe he already knew of this and it was something else. The key is we don't know enough. It is so easy to tell an OP that his/her partner is evil and wrong and they should leave. But it's almost always more complicated than that. Usually I just let it go. But since there is going to be a child involved - I felt I had to speak up.
im not saying give up because hes an addict, but going completely MIA isnt a good trait.
Neither alcoholism nor avoidant personality are signs of a healthy parent. Both take significant time and resources to overcome separately. Having both exacerbates this. This is obviously not the first time alcohol has come into play here. As a pregnant and then new mom OP maynot have supports for themselves much less for another unhealthy person. It is socially and statistically prudent to point that the chance of a fiance making a huge change is low. As someone who works in a title 1 school and sees the damage that both can cause it's not healthy. It's not a safe environment.
Maybe I’m wrong but this comment reads like you think op is the one drinking?
No but she still has a ring on.
With my first born I had to walked away from my child's father that had drug an alcohol addiction, I decidedI wanted more for my child I wanted my child to have nice birthdays and Christmases and nice clothes money not spent on him even though I loved him I loved my child more.I started to go to medical assistant and I never looked backed.You can stay strong for your unborn child
You know, one day you will be looking at your beautiful child, playing on a playground, and all of this will be a distant memory. I’m sorry things are so hard right now, but it will get better. It will not always be this way.
Jesus…. A drunk runaway…. And a pregnant lady…. That all sounds how it sounds…
When you're going through hell don't stop, this is a time when you need to focus on what works best for you and the baby, I know this is hard to hear, but; changing yourself is hard (really hard), changing someone else is impossible. I hope you have and can cultivate a good support structure around you, please don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm, don't give away 100% of yourself away to someone who you cannot be trusted with it. I wish you all the best x
Please reach out for help if you have anyone. I went through a similar experience but with meth. I felt so isolated and was embarrassed to reach out to anyone. I did not enjoy my pregnancy at all it’s my biggest regret. I am certain I suffered with prepartum depression. I felt nothing but shame in the situation I was in. Especially since I would say I would never be in a situation like this and if I were I would leave and be resilient and blah blah blah. My pride got the better of me and I felt like I had to stick through it with no help. It wasn’t until I spoke up that I saw how OFTEN this happens. Please momma🙏🏼 look out for yourself first and foremost. I know it’s scary as HELL to go through it alone. But you won’t be alone, I can promise you that. Just please don’t close yourself off. Making this post is a step forward, keep going and no matter how hard days seem to be remind yourself that you are human. There will be good days and bad days and through all this, your little one will be by your side and will be exploding with pure love just for you. You are a strong momma, you are strong and resilient. Never forget that♥️ you can message me for anything , sometimes talking to a stranger with no judgement helps. No judgement here. Humans fuck up. We ALL need compassion and most importantly, love♥️
I’m very sorry to hear that. It must be very hard and draining for you. Keep in mind to stay strong, I believe you can get through this and sooner or later I hope you realize that you’re not just a survivor, you’re a warrior and you’re so much stronger than anything that life throws your way. Give yourself another chance, another day. Don’t give up just yet. You can do it! I’m here if you ever need someone to talk to OP 🫶🏼
sending you strength and hugs ❤️
Take care of yourself and eat for the baby. Hugs and prayers
The first two years of getting clean is called the recovery period.. you can get clean/sober in a week but your brain still has a lot to over come... I lapsed like 5 times in my first year.. 2tikes in my second year and been clean/sober ever since... My relapses went from being a week or two long, to being a few days, to being one day long. I find AA is a joke, I never fucked with it. The idea of constantly having to "restart" is exhausting and I probably wouldda given up.. after all how many times are u gunna try the same thing before u realise it doesn't work. That's what they say is insanity right? But if u look at it as one journey you learn a new lesson each time and end up stronger after every relapse... Every relapse I had I learned a very important lesson, except for the last one. The last one was completely empty and I just knew I made it... Just stay in a safe space and focus on you, if he's gunna learn his lesson he's gunna learn it, if he's not, then at least u didn't waste time worrying about it.... Christmas will ALWAYS be the hardest time of year unless your addiction revolves around a certain incident. Christmas just makes everything hard
Sorry for that so sad for the situation you have. Please do not hurt yourself n hurt your baby too. U need to be strong for the Baby, maybe there was a reason for him relapsing or smth which triggered that, some people u can't change that needs to come from within them. Please please think of the baby n yourself. I hope you get over this ❤️🙏🏾
if you haven’t already, you should check out r/AlAnon 🖤 see if there’s a meeting you can attend online or in person. there are people there to support you.
I came to the comments hoping someone had recommended AlAnon. There are times in my life where I definitely should have sought them out instead of suffering alone. It probably feels like you are alone right now, OP, but you don’t have to be.
I went to one Al-Anon meeting (with a 3 month old baby in tow). It was… depressing, but informative? It wasn’t for me, but I’d still recommend at least trying one or two different meetings. All groups are different.
Where’s the meal tho
The Hand that feeds
Unexpected yet utterly appropriate NIИ reference
The hand
I’m so sorry. Sending you love… you got this. ❤️
sending you hugs ❤️
Sending you hugs as well. 🤍
It’s a tale as old as time. Booze is the down fall of so many men, fathers, brothers, sons. I know it’s tough and can seem hopeless at times but you WILL get through this. Do it for you and your baby. I’ve known quite a few young mothers who had to raise their children by themselves (sometimes with help from family/supportive loved ones) and they truly are some of the strongest warriors I’ve ever known. You got this girl!! Don’t ever stop fighting for the life you and your baby deserve! 🎵“Ooh, child, things are gonna get easier. Ooh, child, things will get brighter.”🎵
Do you have anyone to go to for the evening/week? Do not be alone sweetie, you are going through something very traumatic and carrying a baby makes it much more scary, emotional, and dangerous for you. Keeping u in my thoughts.
I’m so sorry that you are going through this right now. Sending virtual hugs 🥺❤️
Sending you so much fucking love. I hope everything works out ❤️
Things always seem way more out of control and extreme when you’re 6 months pregnant. Just remember that. You are more capable of changing your situation then you think
it sounds like you're in shock. put one foot ahead of the next 💜 i encourage you to text/call someone you trust or 911 to be with you as you seek out safety for yourself & your baby by going to a hospital. you don't have to do this alone
Deep breath. Slow down. Trust me, there are people out there who love you and will help in ways you might not get. You might need to talk call a crisis line and vent. Or go and talk to a girlfriend. I'm a guy he might be scared of responsibility of taking care of a little petson, or he's a piece of shit. People are always here to listen, just got to reach out.
I’m so sorry dear, you don’t deserve any of this!! It takes lots of courage to break up especially when you’re pregnant and so vulnerable right now. Maybe you’re not ready at this moment but build some good support, be healthy, so one day you will be ready dear 💕💕
Oh, honey. I am so, *so* sorry. Addiction is such a fucking beast. It hurts everyone it touches. I know there's probably a lot of love between you and your fiancé. And I know how addiction can just make you choke on that love. I always wish for the best, and I really hope that he gets clean and comes back to precious you and your precious baby. Free of the alcohol, I bet he has the makings to be a loving husband and father. But if he's not ready to fight for his sobriety and fight for his family, there is no shame at all in not agreeing to go down with him. Your baby needs you to fight for them, now. And you deserve to fight for yourself, too. And you aren't alone.
Sorry to hear that. I'm an alcoholic too who runs away from his problems. The small good news is that it isn't out of hatred. If you can find him it might still work. If you want to talk DM me. I think I understand what he's thinking.
What meal you going to have?
Driven to cannibalism?
What are you eating
Where’s the food?
You'll remained trapped until you start taking responsibility for your own life. Forget him. He's going to do what he's going to do regardless of your nagging and pleading. He's on his own path. You need to start thinking of yourself and your baby and what type of life you want. Let go of codependency
I’m sorry, but he’s a grown ass man. Take care of yourself and that baby; that’s all that matters. ❤️❤️❤️
Start tmrw by maybe getting someone to talk to. Some services that they can provide. Don’t be ashamed to ask for help. And don’t be mad at him. Don’t just forgive him either. I’m just saying that I have been him. And it isn’t easy for him either.
Where’s the food?
Hun please eat a meal. If not for you, for the baby. I know it's hard, but a healthy babe needs food. And I don't just mean babe in the literal sense. Y'all both need it. You've got this. He's a dick, eat some good food and enjoy it. I'll send you food funds if you need.
hey please visit r/AlAnon
You're gonna have to set him aside now.
I might be biased but you shouldn’t tolerate this, you can’t control what other do, but you can choose to take action based on your beliefs. Do you think it would be a good idea to raise a baby with an alcoholic who just leaves all the time? Think about your baby, it’s not just you in the picture
Be glad he showed his true colours before a divorce proceeding with visitation was needed. It sucks extremely hard and you must be gutted but this is all you're in for if you don't leave his ass. Your future child doesn't deserve him in their life if he would abandon his pregnant fiance for booze
Im going to say, perhaps dont marry this person...
Unfortunately, he will drag you through the mud until he is done with his bullshit if you let him. People only change when they’re ready to.
he took out the trash for ya babes, speaking from experience!! good luck and much love
Get help! Don't marry an addicted person. You can live together when he is clean, but there is always the risk of a relapse. I had alcoholics in the family and they were not enrichment.
I mean sorry and all. But where's the meal? Is it the tears? Are you EATING your tears?
I’m sorry. I’m sending you so much love right now. It might not feel like it right now, but there will be brighter times. I hope you can manage to eat something soon ❤️
If he wanted to be sober and be there for you then he would, I hope you know that and find a way to shift your attention to taking care of your needs in this vulnerable time. I'm so sorry he ended up not being who you thought he was, maybe things will get easier without him in the picture after all is said and done? I wish you the best ❤️
He is sick and needs help so better off alone I know it hurts
virtual hug! just know there are people out there that cares for you and that includes us fellow redditors!
Drink some water sweetheart, tell your baby that you're the mom and you'll take care of this situation. Then do what you do best.
I wish I was there to make you hot decaf tea and tell you what a beautiful person you are … hugs so much! You’re going to be okay. You need to have a plan though. You are strong and sometimes you need to let people go and bring the focus back to yourself and baby❤️ I’m praying for you and baby❤️
Sending love from my corner of the universe ❤️
I am so sorry you’re going through this. I’ve been there, pregnant with our first child and wondering where he is (he never ran away but would take off for hours). When our son was 6 months, he had an aha moment and checked into rehab - he’s been sober since (17 years!) But he had to come to it himself, and I know just how lucky we are. I strongly endorse all the advice to get yourself out. It is amazing the things you will do when you have a child that you never could never have imagined otherwise. 🩷
I'm in a similar situation. I just found out that my partner is a drug addict and now mine and my 5 yr olds daughters lives have fallen apart. To top it off I found him dead in the basement and had to revive him.
So sorry. If you ever want someone to talk to message me and I will send my cell number
I have two kids with a lifelong addict and spent a lot of years of my life enabling him. Finally left and realized what a waste of time it was trying to save someone from their own choices. Hope you find a way to navigate what's best for yourself because that's what matters the most.
I'm so sorry you are going through this 🙏🙏❤️
Sending lots of love to you, i am so sorry you have to go through this. You deserve a better partner and you should start making your own luck. Be jn charge, take the command and don't wait for him.
It's not your fault, he probably thinks he's doing you and his child a favour. This is how the alcoholic mind works. He needs help, but he has to want that help.
End the engagement, leave him.
A hell you can walk away from at least
If it makes you feel any better, my fiance ran off with another man, when we had a 1.5 year old child together and where looking for a house. Can't say anything gotten much better for me and I'm depressed and suicidal almost every day even though I'm with someone else now with a new kid, so I can't say things get better. But at least I still haven't pulled the trigger yet.
Hey don't kys if you need support or someone to talk to my DMS are open and trust me times will get better than now I promise ❤
I’ve been through this. Hugs. ❤️
You and your daughter deserve better. Be the better you deserve ❤️
Just let him do his thing … do your thing and chill. Do what makes you relax.
Sending prayers 🥺
I know how you're feeling. I wish I could tell you everyone will be fine and everything will work out. I'm giving you big hugs.
I almost lost my wofe and kids because I couldn’t stop drinking. I am over a year sober now and it’s been the best decision I made in my entire life. I don’t even think about booze anymore and when I’m spending time with my wife and kids it’s all worth it. treatment has helped me a lot maybe that will be an option for him.
Focus on yourself and your baby please! my mom went all her pregnancy depressed and i am now fuck up (plus trauma) it is so important that you at least have a calm pregnancy, please love your kid a lot and demonstrate it to him/her.
Close your hand into a fist and squeeze it tight...you feel that? Its a hug from me to you.
Please leave it’s only going to get worse from here
My dad was a drunk, made him abusive towards my mum. He died on my 16th birthday, I only wish I could have helped. But I just wish my mum would have left him sooner, instead of letting him destroy mine, my brothers childhoods and my mums life for a while. I wish you the best of luck and the best life for your child, please do what is best for that child, as that is priority now, if he won't make his baby priority, you HAVE to. I'm sorry this decision falls onto you, but don't have your kid growing up asking, could they have done more? ❤️
I'm an alcoholic in recovery. You get the fuck out. That kid doesn't deserve to be raised in an unfunctional household with a relapsing alcoholic who is acting this is way.
Al anon exists
This makes me want to try better in every aspect because it's disgusting how many women and children suffer because of not well doing men.
Good, that means he won’t be around to ruin your unborn child’s life with his alcoholism. You’re better off without him than an alcoholic for your child’s father. He may change, but it won’t be in the next 3 months when you give birth
Eat for your baby sweetheart. If you don't have food or money for food, pm me.
Does he want the baby? Was it a mistake that he wanted to abort or anything? Sucks to hear that he ran on you, I'm really sorry.
I’m so sorry OP. I really hope you have family or good friends you can go stay with at least for a while. You need some love and support ❤️
I'm so sorry you're going through this, OP. That's a lot to deal with. Do you have a support system that might able to help you? Addiction can rob us of the people we love. And there's nothing we can do to change it because they have to be the ones to make the choice to give it up. I hope you don't blame yourself for it.
There are support groups out there for your situation. Al-Anon was extremely helpful for my family when I was going through my addiction. Sending positive vibes and love your way, addicts can be extremely tough to deal with.
Probably not the best thing to say but I’m gonna say it, get an abortion, whatever is in your womb isn’t technically human yet
🫂
I went through this - I married him though. When I finally got the courage to leave and stand up for myself it was when my daughter was 5 and I thought if she was going through this and came to me, I would tell her to leave, to not put up with it. And it dawned on me that if I expected my daughter to love herself enough to leave, I had to do it to teach her. I'm wishing you the best and I hope what ever you choose to do - it works out for you!
Your story is sad and tragic which sucks but where is the meal? What are you eating at a time like this?
get actual real life help. you are commenting on a depression meals subreddit, for fuck's sake. call a friend, a family member. your mental health needs to improve, you can't be saying that shit at 6 months. fuck that guy, focus on getting your life and your mental health right for the baby.
You will get three this and your little angel
Seems that is HIS problem. He can come back from this if he so chooses. Just a minor setback. Maybe think about his struggles as well as your own? Best of luck
So sorry. Seek professional help.
As someone who has been struggling to stay sober from alcohol, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Much love to you and the babe ❤️ And honestly love to your fiance as well, I hope he can realize what he's losing if he continues down this path and doesn't get help
Hi queen, sorry you’re in such a tough spot. Try AlAnon for support.
I'm so sorry. Take care of yourself and your baby as well as you can. Start planning and moving toward the exit in a smart, strategic way. Start saving money anyway possible. Hopefully, he can go to AA and will have a desire to change. Just work on yourself and stay looking forward to the day you can escape. I'm praying for you!! People can be so awful and selfish it's unbelievable!!
I’m so sorry. I have experienced this as well. It’s very hard. I hope your situation gets better. Please talk to someone you trust. Lean on them, and most importantly take care of yourself and your baby. ❤️
There will be better days. Just breath, take each minute, walk, talk to who ever you can, find company.
Do you have a support system? If you do, I would be in frequent contact with them and possibly even try to move into abstable environment for you and your baby. If you don't, I would contact your family doc and see if they can get you set up with a social worker who can help you find housing and support during this shitty time.
how long has he been sober? im an ex heroin addict , have 4 years clean, had a few relapses before that , getting clean is a struggle, and if your not an addict its something you can never truely understand. i dont know this guy or your situation so i cant really say much else. id wait to see if he gets clean for the kid or not , then make your decision
I’m sorry, I know it’s hard. I went through a similar event while I was pregnant. What you need to now I talking care of that beast inside you. They don’t do well with stress And sadness. Is gonna be ok
I have been there!!!!! My son is 15 now. I got all the raising and he got all the paying. You can do this. From one mom to another: I BELIEVE IN YOU!!!
I’m so sorry. Single mom here. Not the exact same boat but I understand the thought. This is temporary and you can change what you want. You can. It’s fucking so hard and you can cry as much as you need. You can be okay.
hopefully he turns up safe but you might want to call off the wedding. Marrying an addict guarantees a lifetime of this for you.
Please leave… and I wish you the best.
None of us know the length of his sobriety or the length of this relapse. Nor do we know the history of your relationship. We are not the ones you should look to for advice on your relationship. We can offer words of encouragement and support. — If you actually feel like you want to kill yourself and are not just striking out with words, please seek help at your local hospital ER, suicide hotline, or call your OB doctor for advice. If you have a therapist call them. If you have supportive parents or family reach out to them. You need a support system around you right now. Good luck.
Dump him!
That blows my dude.
Do not put him on the birth certificate. Do not accept him back. Move in with family, friends, anyone that will be kind while your body prepares the baby. Ghost him if possible. It will turn out much better for you if you can. Good luck friend, we’re rooting for you. You WILL get through this.
I don’t believe speaking things help things become reality, but I just want to say this “in case”…I hope his relapse is just a relapse and he gets back on track. I hope you can have a good life with this man. I hope he treats you and your child right. I hope you don’t end up in a cycle of chaos. I hope the chaos ends. I hope that if there is no sign of the chaos ending, you walk away. I hope you have other people in your life to support you. Amen/blessed be.
Where's the meal?
Move on for you and that bby
I’m sorry this is happening to you love.
Poor kid. Mom should’ve picked a better partner.
A little tough love here, but you’ve got to get it together for the sake of your child. Whether your fiancé comes back or not, gets help or not, ends up being a part of your family or not, it doesn’t matter. Right now your only focus should be you and that child that you’re carrying. Start creating your support network now because you’re going to need it.
He did this last week, too, didn't he? He isn't going to change as long as he doesn't feel he has any reason to change. This baby isn't "real" to him yet. They say it's only real to them once they see the baby. Call your family. I know it's hard to lay your shit out on the table, but it's just as revealing as what you're doing here on reddit. It's hard and it's embarrassing but you need to stick around to meet this baby. I promise you things can be different. It doesn't feel like you can change anything right now but you can. It won't be overnight. But this isn't everything. The way you feel right now isn't permanent. You can have a completely different reality that suits you if you can be brave enough to be uncomfortable for just a little while. *you're not stuck to him. He doesn't validate you as a person. You are your own person and you are very important to someone new right now. I'm begging you to remember "this too shall pass". Something amazing is coming and it's going to change every fiber of your being. Literally, your cells will change. You can be exactly who you want to be for that child. Just stay brave.