I need to read that book. You described my father to a T.
He used to sit my down as a child, starting maybe 5 years old, and would intimidate me with speeches like "I have an obligation of means towards you, and you OWE me RESULTS."
I was a big disappointment to him, and he let me know. I was not athletic enough, not smart enough, not good looking enough. I had a miserable childhood.
One day he screamed at me because I had not capitalized the first letter of dad and he thought I was doing it on purpose to humiliate him.
When I became an adult, I realized how mediocre he actually was, compared to the standard he was inflicting on me. Like, who are you expecting a perfect kid when you are yourself a slob with an average IQ?
I started blossoming once I left home to go to University. Now I am a university professor, I make a great living, and I don't speak to him anymore.
Why? because I don't have to. Tired of his shit.
They projected their own issues onto you. And even if you read books, they'd say you should stop reading books and get outside. Whatever you're doing, there's something wrong with you. Because they are projecting again, how there's something wrong with them and projecting it onto you.
This is exactly what my parents did. They both grew up in abusive and neglectful households, which means I have it better than them. I feel like a failure all the time
> They never work on themselves, never read smart books, never work even. They simply watch the TV for 10 hours a day, saying they "learn" from there.
Oh boy. I never realized this applied to my mother. TV for 6 hours and arts & crafts for another 4. That's it.
I just started listening to this book on Spotify and it resonates so much.
I was the straight-A valedictorian. I remember being criticized for an A- on a progress report (there was a single assignment graded at that point). But my parents admitted they stopped helping me with homework in early elementary because it was beyond what they could help me with.
They wanted me to be academically successful, but neither of them were and they couldn’t help me at all. I was a trophy child who just wanted a safe emotional connection so that I didn’t fear failing and ruining my role self.
Can relate my mom never worked a day in her life watched tv, gossiped on the phone with friends, shopped and read newspapers, that’s her entire life experience but growing up she knew everything and everything could only be done her way or it was wrong and that meant it was open hunting season for punishment. Most of the time she wouldn’t tell you want her way was until after you make a choice, then you find out all the ways it was wrong.
When I went to college i hated when she would call me asking how’s the weather then proceed to tell me what my weather was based on her local news update . If the weather was any different than what her morning newspaper or tv predicted for me 2000 miles away she’d fly into a rage about me being a lair. I eventually began to agree it’s raining when it’s not just to avoid the drama
She’d also write 10 page handwritten back to back letters to me in college about my boyfriend and anything else she didn’t personally hand pick for me. and rant about all the ways I’m ruining my life, no solutions of how to fix said ruined life, no motherly advice or elderly wisdom tidbits, just chaotic rants that slowly eroded my confidence and decision making skills and set me up to be taken advantage of in my work and career after college for a good decade before I questioned any of it
This analysis is so spot on. Like we're expected to figure it out on our own. On one hand it's really spot on and validating, and on the other hand, getting inside the inner mind of an abusive parent is unsettling to me, like I want to shake it off, it feels yucky and disturbing.
That book was earth shattering for me. It’s like someone took all my struggles out of my head and wrote them down. I wasn’t prepared for all of the feelings that the book drummed up and I found I had to read it in little bursts.
This sounds a bit like the "always be productive and practical" part of OCPD. My father used the word "trivial" like a bludgeon and a frequent command was "Go do something productive."
Of course there was no explanation of what any of that meant, but the general impression left was "Get the f\*\*k out of here, your presence irritates me" a/o "I need to take my anger out on someone who is powerless."
Basically my dad but not about the reading. He hated me reading because I read trash and garbage. He only approved of me reading non-fiction or textbooks. Never mind that he read fiction. But when it came to describing me, the only thing he could tell other people about was that I read books and he couldn't even tell them what kind. Although, tbh, I'm pretty sure my dad is undiagnosed autistic and I'm late diagnosed ND myself.
Your last line really nailed it though. Because I recognized that I couldn't have kids and raise them safely because I would end up raising them the way I was raised, namely by telling them to be something I'm not and expecting that they will succeed where I have not and not being able to dismantle the hypocrisy in my actions.
I need to read that book. You described my father to a T. He used to sit my down as a child, starting maybe 5 years old, and would intimidate me with speeches like "I have an obligation of means towards you, and you OWE me RESULTS." I was a big disappointment to him, and he let me know. I was not athletic enough, not smart enough, not good looking enough. I had a miserable childhood. One day he screamed at me because I had not capitalized the first letter of dad and he thought I was doing it on purpose to humiliate him. When I became an adult, I realized how mediocre he actually was, compared to the standard he was inflicting on me. Like, who are you expecting a perfect kid when you are yourself a slob with an average IQ? I started blossoming once I left home to go to University. Now I am a university professor, I make a great living, and I don't speak to him anymore. Why? because I don't have to. Tired of his shit.
They projected their own issues onto you. And even if you read books, they'd say you should stop reading books and get outside. Whatever you're doing, there's something wrong with you. Because they are projecting again, how there's something wrong with them and projecting it onto you.
This is exactly what my parents did. They both grew up in abusive and neglectful households, which means I have it better than them. I feel like a failure all the time
> They never work on themselves, never read smart books, never work even. They simply watch the TV for 10 hours a day, saying they "learn" from there. Oh boy. I never realized this applied to my mother. TV for 6 hours and arts & crafts for another 4. That's it.
I just started listening to this book on Spotify and it resonates so much. I was the straight-A valedictorian. I remember being criticized for an A- on a progress report (there was a single assignment graded at that point). But my parents admitted they stopped helping me with homework in early elementary because it was beyond what they could help me with. They wanted me to be academically successful, but neither of them were and they couldn’t help me at all. I was a trophy child who just wanted a safe emotional connection so that I didn’t fear failing and ruining my role self.
Can relate my mom never worked a day in her life watched tv, gossiped on the phone with friends, shopped and read newspapers, that’s her entire life experience but growing up she knew everything and everything could only be done her way or it was wrong and that meant it was open hunting season for punishment. Most of the time she wouldn’t tell you want her way was until after you make a choice, then you find out all the ways it was wrong. When I went to college i hated when she would call me asking how’s the weather then proceed to tell me what my weather was based on her local news update . If the weather was any different than what her morning newspaper or tv predicted for me 2000 miles away she’d fly into a rage about me being a lair. I eventually began to agree it’s raining when it’s not just to avoid the drama She’d also write 10 page handwritten back to back letters to me in college about my boyfriend and anything else she didn’t personally hand pick for me. and rant about all the ways I’m ruining my life, no solutions of how to fix said ruined life, no motherly advice or elderly wisdom tidbits, just chaotic rants that slowly eroded my confidence and decision making skills and set me up to be taken advantage of in my work and career after college for a good decade before I questioned any of it
[удалено]
oh my god hahaha. Thank you for writing this.
This analysis is so spot on. Like we're expected to figure it out on our own. On one hand it's really spot on and validating, and on the other hand, getting inside the inner mind of an abusive parent is unsettling to me, like I want to shake it off, it feels yucky and disturbing.
That book was earth shattering for me. It’s like someone took all my struggles out of my head and wrote them down. I wasn’t prepared for all of the feelings that the book drummed up and I found I had to read it in little bursts.
Your post is my life story
This sounds a bit like the "always be productive and practical" part of OCPD. My father used the word "trivial" like a bludgeon and a frequent command was "Go do something productive." Of course there was no explanation of what any of that meant, but the general impression left was "Get the f\*\*k out of here, your presence irritates me" a/o "I need to take my anger out on someone who is powerless."
Basically my dad but not about the reading. He hated me reading because I read trash and garbage. He only approved of me reading non-fiction or textbooks. Never mind that he read fiction. But when it came to describing me, the only thing he could tell other people about was that I read books and he couldn't even tell them what kind. Although, tbh, I'm pretty sure my dad is undiagnosed autistic and I'm late diagnosed ND myself. Your last line really nailed it though. Because I recognized that I couldn't have kids and raise them safely because I would end up raising them the way I was raised, namely by telling them to be something I'm not and expecting that they will succeed where I have not and not being able to dismantle the hypocrisy in my actions.
Why are you calling out my useless, incompetent parents?! Lol. Aint it the fucking truth
This is a thing ? My father he bought the books read some of them but didn’t sit in front of the tv. He seemed to work a lot . 9 to 9