I agree. Early postpartum is suuuuch a sensitive and vulnerable time (so is late pregnancy!) you really don’t want to bring any weird vibes into your precious bubble. My advice is to freeze a bunch of meals and hunker down with your husband, and have her come after that first week or two.
Great advice. I honestly couldn’t have imagined ANYONE besides my husband being here for the first few weeks…months even. I got sooooo overwhelmed so easily with quick visitors even. Which is so not my personality but I didn’t feel like myself until months after having my daughter.
Worrying about this daily. I don’t mean to paint her as a bad MIL, she’s really sweet and great. But she just does or says stuff sometimes I’m like why?? But maybe I should talk more with my husband about it.
You might be more open to her help after having a week at home alone. My husband and I have great relationships with our families, and my parents came after a week, and then his parents directly after. Those hazy newborn days of us cocooned in the bedroom together eating off of paper plates was such a tender and beautiful time. By a week at home, I was more able to relocate comfortably to the couch and laundry was starting to build up, which was the perfect grandparent task.
To me it sounds more like "this is your first baby so you should be worrying more" lol. I've also done childcare before becoming a mum and it's true that a lot of parents tend to fret and spoil their first and then by the time they get to the second or third it's like "....eh, the floor isn't that dirty". Of course this makes very little sense when said out loud, and your MIL probably realized this, so she came up with some other reason.
Oh trust me! I know it’s completely different to have your own kid than to be a teacher! I didn’t mean to sound that way sorry! I have anxiety anyways so I’ve worried about literally everything for this little baby lol. But I’m less talking about the actual weird convo she said and more about the idea that I just won’t ever be as good of a mom as SIL because I won’t have two. She probs didn’t mean it that way at all. Just hormones I suppose but it bothered me a lot.
No I didn't mean you weren't worrying enough, just that that's probably what your MIL was thinking. Like, "why isn't she PANICKING like I was??" And of course you're not bc you have a headstart thanks to working at a daycare. And being asked to explain this out loud made her realize it was irrational, so she thought of a different justification for her demand rather than admitting she was wrong.
Being a parent *is* different, but man am I glad I had prior experience with babies. You'll be fine. :)
Oh sorry, I’m reading these on the go lol. Yeah about the only thing I’m not worried about is diapering lol. I could tell she was definitely back tracking. She just had to say that little weird thing about my SIL. She kind of compares us sometimes in general which I do not like, maybe that’s why I was so sensitive to a little throw away comment.
Her strange comment aside, you don’t need a changing table. We changed my son’s diaper on the bed for over 2 years with zero issues.
It sounds like she’s trying to secure her own daughter’s status as super mom. Whatever. She can have it. Use her for the extra set of hands then send her on her way.
I love having a change table. 😂 One of my favourite things I bought for the baby. 😂 It’s so handy for storing all the baby stuff and it saves my back. Win win!
The storage is really nice! I don’t hate them, I set up a little changing table area upstairs in her room! I was just like a changing table on both floors of my house? Because my MIL wants one? Nah lol
We have a changing pad on the dresser in baby’s room on our third floor. We have a tall skinny townhouse, so we also have a changing table on the bottom level with diapers and wipes but medium term it’ll just be toy storage lol. 10 months in and while we’ve changed baby on the floor sometimes, it really isn’t a hassle to bring them to a changing table. Using a bed or a couch is also great - you’ll figure it out and it isn’t a big deal lmao
Yeah she’s said really weird stuff about SIL before that just rubbed me the wrong way but I’m not the type to like call anything out. I just hope it isn’t always a race I’m losing on because I only have one and she has two so she’s more blah blah blah. I guess I’ll have to start standing up for myself more.
And yeah I was like changing table? Lol. I’ve changed so many children just anywhere, on the couch, bed, floor, wherever and I had to use a changing table at the centers I worked at. I always hated it more than just the floor especially when they turn into little alligators.
To me this particular instance is just your MIL apparently expecting you to insist on a table as you are a first time mother. Because why in the world would changing on a table be inferior to changing on the floor? How did you come to that conclusion?
I have had so many moronic comments after I told people I was pregnant and during the first years. And now I am sometimes still dealing with strange comments on my daughter. If she has a headache it is because she is an only. Not having a good day? Only. In fights with friends? Onlies cannot socialize. Doing well in school? Not childlike enough. And these are mainly my own mother (who has never won any mom awards for sure) and my brother.
The people that say this are imo actually telling me they are somewhat stupid when it comes to children or, even more likely, people in general.
I was a teacher in a couple of different grades and my only children were always the most polite and knowledgeable kids in the class! It influenced me to have an only! I can’t believe people feel so comfortable saying such rude things.
I'm a "forever first time mom," it doesn't bug me, i just accept it for what it is. I actually don't really even see it as a negative thing, really. My mama friends who have multiple kiddos do parent differently, mostly out of necessity, and sometimes it's a bit shocking to me lol. Talking more sternly with their kids, being less emotionally coddling to their kids (they're able to be a bit more emotionally distanced from their kids, be it good or bad or a little of both). They have more of the "eh whatever, the kids will be fine" mindset. It has its pros and cons. It doesn't mean they're better parents, it just means they parent a bit differently because they have to. Ain't nothing wrong with that, and nothing wrong with us never getting there!
The problem is your MIL's weird comments and her apparent attitude towards FTMs, insinuating that you're less capable than moms who have more than one. It's a different type of parenting, when we only have one. It's not wrong or less than though.
Thank you for this perspective! I have some mom friends as well and they all parent pretty differently. I should try to change my own view of the situation and not see it negatively. I’m excited to be a one and only mom! I get to pour so much into my one little girl! That doesn’t make me any less. Thanks again!
Can your husband say something to her on your behalf? Like “stop comparing strawberryjamma and SIL” or “let strawberryjamma decide how she wants to do X and you support her in that vs trying to tell her what she wants to do. It’s OUR baby, not yours”
Yeah he’s talked with her before so I’m thankful I have a husband who will go to bat for me. I don’t like making a big deal of things but you’re right. I should have him nip this in the bud.
It’s good that he’s comfortable having those conversations! Especially if she is supposed to help postpartum. She cannot be like that or she will be uninvited. You need calm and peace and she is currently not giving that
I’m SO surprised so many people are assuming the worst. If you’re having your first baby, *you are a first time mother*. IMO it’s very clear she meant “it’s your first time, you deserve the best stuff”. She’s not comparing you to her daughter. It was more like “she’s been around the block she doesn’t need to be pampered”. It sounds like someone well meaning who is only trying to make sure you and baby have the best, and she knows you don’t have a mom.
Don’t assume she’s comparing you to SIL or expecting you to have another baby. You are literally a first time mom. It really sounds like she’s just trying to make this special, with absolutely zero bad intent. If you don’t want a big changing table, I’d bet all you have to do is let her know.
Thanks for this. I am here at the very end (less than 3 weeks) and I think my hormones are just making me extra sensitive, which I hate. I do believe my MIL is a very good person and she didn’t mean anything bad by it. I have never thought she was saying or doing something to hurt me! I’m more upset that maybe she thinks I won’t ever be as good of a parent because I’ll always be a bit lacking in experience. I won’t have multiple children so I don’t have the experience of taking care of them. And it hurts my heart to think she (or anyone) would think I’m a worse off parent for only having one. That’s more what I meant. Again, I am sensitive af right now lol. Crying over cheesy commercials and my pets being cute.
Honestly it sounds like you like MIL and think she is, in general, a good person. And if that’s true, I feel like it’s worth taking the time to have a heart to heart conversation where you just share your feelings. Use the usual strategies like I statements, but just be clear about your feelings and boundaries.
So like, “I don’t know what you’re intending, but comments about first time vs. second time mom feel hurtful to me. I’m asking that you not compare me to SIL” or whatever. Set the boundary, and if it comes up, gently remind me- “hey, we agreed that we wouldn’t compare X”. Stick to the boundary and if it keeps coming up, exit the conversation.
Same with like the passive aggressive stuff. “Thank you so much for offering to help us out with baby. I’ve noticed that you’re concerned about your bad knees and other physical constraints. We can’t address those things unless you are clear and forthright about your concerns. I’m asking you to be honest and share with me what you’re comfortable doing and what you’re not. We will happily take care of anything you’re not comfortable with.”
It seems from your comments that you think this woman is really well meaning but just saying some things that are coming across as hurtful or just ignorant, and that should be easy to address with an honest and mature conversation. And frankly if you set these boundaries now it will either pay dividends for a better relationship down the road, or it will show true colors and you can address that.
You are so right. I’m a bit awkward and hate confrontation even when it’s not like, a huge fight. I guess I need to learn how to set boundaries and speak up anyhow considering I’m about to have a little baby to look out for! I should just say something instead of complaining here on Reddit. I appreciate this community so much though! You all have such great advice and perspectives!
I get it, friend! It’s so hard to do the direct confrontation. But I think you are right about the little one. It’s not just you now, you’re also setting the precedent for how your kiddo will relate to their grandmother. Like getting some boundaries down can make it so much easier if you do have hard conversations about like, disagreeing on parenting methods or having to manage other conflicts that affect your kid.
And like I said, your comments make me think that MIL is not being malicious but just doesn’t realize how those comments come across, or also is trying to navigate things in what she thinks is tactful but actually is just making things worse. I hope I’m right in saying that just sharing your feelings will make all the difference and she will be like “oh man I didn’t realize I came across that way, my bad” and then it’s over and everyone is happy.
I know what you mean. Sometimes socially I’ve felt like I only have so much to add to the conversation because I have only had one pregnancy and one child, when so many people around me with multiple children have what feels like double the experience that I do. Language around parenting can often be hurtful, like the way people foreshadow things when you’re pregnant, like you couldn’t possibly understand certain things until you have legitimately done them yourselves. I don’t think it’s always true and it’s certainly not fair to assume that a different experience equals less of an experience.
Anyway, I’m sorry and I’m sorry that that feeling could come up again in the future. I find it helpful to validate myself in those situations. I know that my experience is enough. I know that I am happy with one child. I know that other people have more children than I do and we are both having valid experiences. That kind of thing.
Honestly the first week or two is the easiest time and you probably won’t need or want the help. I even had an emergency c section and my husband got called away on a job 3 days pp I was completely fine. Baby slept all day I did dishes, laundry, cooked ect it was later when things got really hard
So, I know we are the outliers and oddballs here, but if we were home, my daughter’s diaper was changed on her change pad, in her bedroom on her dresser. Right up until she potty trained just past 3 years old.
For us, it was the easiest thing - all her supplies were there, she somehow never fought diaper changes - maybe because of the routine? IDK but I always see stories of toddlers fighting diaper changes and having them run around butt naked in the house trying to wrangle them but that just wasn’t a thing with my girl (at 5.5y now, trying to get her in her jammies is a different story though lol)
This is to say, do what works for you. If doing it on the floor works, great! If you use the change table every time, great! First time moms do have lots to learn but ya know what? We usually figure it out and don’t all need a second to show it ;)
Maybe I'm odd but I wouldn't mind those comments. My MIL made many similar - she often would give me advice. Sometimes I agreed... sometimes I disagreed. I was mostly very grateful for her help as she really is so much help unlike my own parents. Being a parent is a humbling experience. Nome of us truly know what we are doing whether first time or second time.
My mother in law would have no way excused your SIL for being a second time mum and changing on the floor haha. I hope you will find peace with only being a first time mum once baby arrives. I had a lot of similar feelings but now really appreciate the benefits of oad.
Sorry you had to go through that. My SIL has 3 kids back to back so we get compared A LOT. When people ask me if I'm a FTM, I tell them yeah, I'm a first-time mom and a last time mom, with a big smile.
I think you’ll regret asking her to stay.
I agree. Early postpartum is suuuuch a sensitive and vulnerable time (so is late pregnancy!) you really don’t want to bring any weird vibes into your precious bubble. My advice is to freeze a bunch of meals and hunker down with your husband, and have her come after that first week or two.
Great advice. I honestly couldn’t have imagined ANYONE besides my husband being here for the first few weeks…months even. I got sooooo overwhelmed so easily with quick visitors even. Which is so not my personality but I didn’t feel like myself until months after having my daughter.
Worrying about this daily. I don’t mean to paint her as a bad MIL, she’s really sweet and great. But she just does or says stuff sometimes I’m like why?? But maybe I should talk more with my husband about it.
You might be more open to her help after having a week at home alone. My husband and I have great relationships with our families, and my parents came after a week, and then his parents directly after. Those hazy newborn days of us cocooned in the bedroom together eating off of paper plates was such a tender and beautiful time. By a week at home, I was more able to relocate comfortably to the couch and laundry was starting to build up, which was the perfect grandparent task.
To me it sounds more like "this is your first baby so you should be worrying more" lol. I've also done childcare before becoming a mum and it's true that a lot of parents tend to fret and spoil their first and then by the time they get to the second or third it's like "....eh, the floor isn't that dirty". Of course this makes very little sense when said out loud, and your MIL probably realized this, so she came up with some other reason.
Oh trust me! I know it’s completely different to have your own kid than to be a teacher! I didn’t mean to sound that way sorry! I have anxiety anyways so I’ve worried about literally everything for this little baby lol. But I’m less talking about the actual weird convo she said and more about the idea that I just won’t ever be as good of a mom as SIL because I won’t have two. She probs didn’t mean it that way at all. Just hormones I suppose but it bothered me a lot.
No I didn't mean you weren't worrying enough, just that that's probably what your MIL was thinking. Like, "why isn't she PANICKING like I was??" And of course you're not bc you have a headstart thanks to working at a daycare. And being asked to explain this out loud made her realize it was irrational, so she thought of a different justification for her demand rather than admitting she was wrong. Being a parent *is* different, but man am I glad I had prior experience with babies. You'll be fine. :)
Oh sorry, I’m reading these on the go lol. Yeah about the only thing I’m not worried about is diapering lol. I could tell she was definitely back tracking. She just had to say that little weird thing about my SIL. She kind of compares us sometimes in general which I do not like, maybe that’s why I was so sensitive to a little throw away comment.
Her strange comment aside, you don’t need a changing table. We changed my son’s diaper on the bed for over 2 years with zero issues. It sounds like she’s trying to secure her own daughter’s status as super mom. Whatever. She can have it. Use her for the extra set of hands then send her on her way.
I love having a change table. 😂 One of my favourite things I bought for the baby. 😂 It’s so handy for storing all the baby stuff and it saves my back. Win win!
The storage is really nice! I don’t hate them, I set up a little changing table area upstairs in her room! I was just like a changing table on both floors of my house? Because my MIL wants one? Nah lol
We have a changing pad on the dresser in baby’s room on our third floor. We have a tall skinny townhouse, so we also have a changing table on the bottom level with diapers and wipes but medium term it’ll just be toy storage lol. 10 months in and while we’ve changed baby on the floor sometimes, it really isn’t a hassle to bring them to a changing table. Using a bed or a couch is also great - you’ll figure it out and it isn’t a big deal lmao
Yeah she’s said really weird stuff about SIL before that just rubbed me the wrong way but I’m not the type to like call anything out. I just hope it isn’t always a race I’m losing on because I only have one and she has two so she’s more blah blah blah. I guess I’ll have to start standing up for myself more.
And yeah I was like changing table? Lol. I’ve changed so many children just anywhere, on the couch, bed, floor, wherever and I had to use a changing table at the centers I worked at. I always hated it more than just the floor especially when they turn into little alligators.
To me this particular instance is just your MIL apparently expecting you to insist on a table as you are a first time mother. Because why in the world would changing on a table be inferior to changing on the floor? How did you come to that conclusion? I have had so many moronic comments after I told people I was pregnant and during the first years. And now I am sometimes still dealing with strange comments on my daughter. If she has a headache it is because she is an only. Not having a good day? Only. In fights with friends? Onlies cannot socialize. Doing well in school? Not childlike enough. And these are mainly my own mother (who has never won any mom awards for sure) and my brother. The people that say this are imo actually telling me they are somewhat stupid when it comes to children or, even more likely, people in general.
I was a teacher in a couple of different grades and my only children were always the most polite and knowledgeable kids in the class! It influenced me to have an only! I can’t believe people feel so comfortable saying such rude things.
You definitely dont need a changing table, I had a changing mat, used the floor the couch the bed, wherever!
I'm a "forever first time mom," it doesn't bug me, i just accept it for what it is. I actually don't really even see it as a negative thing, really. My mama friends who have multiple kiddos do parent differently, mostly out of necessity, and sometimes it's a bit shocking to me lol. Talking more sternly with their kids, being less emotionally coddling to their kids (they're able to be a bit more emotionally distanced from their kids, be it good or bad or a little of both). They have more of the "eh whatever, the kids will be fine" mindset. It has its pros and cons. It doesn't mean they're better parents, it just means they parent a bit differently because they have to. Ain't nothing wrong with that, and nothing wrong with us never getting there! The problem is your MIL's weird comments and her apparent attitude towards FTMs, insinuating that you're less capable than moms who have more than one. It's a different type of parenting, when we only have one. It's not wrong or less than though.
Thank you for this perspective! I have some mom friends as well and they all parent pretty differently. I should try to change my own view of the situation and not see it negatively. I’m excited to be a one and only mom! I get to pour so much into my one little girl! That doesn’t make me any less. Thanks again!
Can your husband say something to her on your behalf? Like “stop comparing strawberryjamma and SIL” or “let strawberryjamma decide how she wants to do X and you support her in that vs trying to tell her what she wants to do. It’s OUR baby, not yours”
Yeah he’s talked with her before so I’m thankful I have a husband who will go to bat for me. I don’t like making a big deal of things but you’re right. I should have him nip this in the bud.
It’s good that he’s comfortable having those conversations! Especially if she is supposed to help postpartum. She cannot be like that or she will be uninvited. You need calm and peace and she is currently not giving that
I’m SO surprised so many people are assuming the worst. If you’re having your first baby, *you are a first time mother*. IMO it’s very clear she meant “it’s your first time, you deserve the best stuff”. She’s not comparing you to her daughter. It was more like “she’s been around the block she doesn’t need to be pampered”. It sounds like someone well meaning who is only trying to make sure you and baby have the best, and she knows you don’t have a mom. Don’t assume she’s comparing you to SIL or expecting you to have another baby. You are literally a first time mom. It really sounds like she’s just trying to make this special, with absolutely zero bad intent. If you don’t want a big changing table, I’d bet all you have to do is let her know.
Thanks for this. I am here at the very end (less than 3 weeks) and I think my hormones are just making me extra sensitive, which I hate. I do believe my MIL is a very good person and she didn’t mean anything bad by it. I have never thought she was saying or doing something to hurt me! I’m more upset that maybe she thinks I won’t ever be as good of a parent because I’ll always be a bit lacking in experience. I won’t have multiple children so I don’t have the experience of taking care of them. And it hurts my heart to think she (or anyone) would think I’m a worse off parent for only having one. That’s more what I meant. Again, I am sensitive af right now lol. Crying over cheesy commercials and my pets being cute.
Honestly it sounds like you like MIL and think she is, in general, a good person. And if that’s true, I feel like it’s worth taking the time to have a heart to heart conversation where you just share your feelings. Use the usual strategies like I statements, but just be clear about your feelings and boundaries. So like, “I don’t know what you’re intending, but comments about first time vs. second time mom feel hurtful to me. I’m asking that you not compare me to SIL” or whatever. Set the boundary, and if it comes up, gently remind me- “hey, we agreed that we wouldn’t compare X”. Stick to the boundary and if it keeps coming up, exit the conversation. Same with like the passive aggressive stuff. “Thank you so much for offering to help us out with baby. I’ve noticed that you’re concerned about your bad knees and other physical constraints. We can’t address those things unless you are clear and forthright about your concerns. I’m asking you to be honest and share with me what you’re comfortable doing and what you’re not. We will happily take care of anything you’re not comfortable with.” It seems from your comments that you think this woman is really well meaning but just saying some things that are coming across as hurtful or just ignorant, and that should be easy to address with an honest and mature conversation. And frankly if you set these boundaries now it will either pay dividends for a better relationship down the road, or it will show true colors and you can address that.
You are so right. I’m a bit awkward and hate confrontation even when it’s not like, a huge fight. I guess I need to learn how to set boundaries and speak up anyhow considering I’m about to have a little baby to look out for! I should just say something instead of complaining here on Reddit. I appreciate this community so much though! You all have such great advice and perspectives!
I get it, friend! It’s so hard to do the direct confrontation. But I think you are right about the little one. It’s not just you now, you’re also setting the precedent for how your kiddo will relate to their grandmother. Like getting some boundaries down can make it so much easier if you do have hard conversations about like, disagreeing on parenting methods or having to manage other conflicts that affect your kid. And like I said, your comments make me think that MIL is not being malicious but just doesn’t realize how those comments come across, or also is trying to navigate things in what she thinks is tactful but actually is just making things worse. I hope I’m right in saying that just sharing your feelings will make all the difference and she will be like “oh man I didn’t realize I came across that way, my bad” and then it’s over and everyone is happy.
I know what you mean. Sometimes socially I’ve felt like I only have so much to add to the conversation because I have only had one pregnancy and one child, when so many people around me with multiple children have what feels like double the experience that I do. Language around parenting can often be hurtful, like the way people foreshadow things when you’re pregnant, like you couldn’t possibly understand certain things until you have legitimately done them yourselves. I don’t think it’s always true and it’s certainly not fair to assume that a different experience equals less of an experience. Anyway, I’m sorry and I’m sorry that that feeling could come up again in the future. I find it helpful to validate myself in those situations. I know that my experience is enough. I know that I am happy with one child. I know that other people have more children than I do and we are both having valid experiences. That kind of thing.
Honestly the first week or two is the easiest time and you probably won’t need or want the help. I even had an emergency c section and my husband got called away on a job 3 days pp I was completely fine. Baby slept all day I did dishes, laundry, cooked ect it was later when things got really hard
So, I know we are the outliers and oddballs here, but if we were home, my daughter’s diaper was changed on her change pad, in her bedroom on her dresser. Right up until she potty trained just past 3 years old. For us, it was the easiest thing - all her supplies were there, she somehow never fought diaper changes - maybe because of the routine? IDK but I always see stories of toddlers fighting diaper changes and having them run around butt naked in the house trying to wrangle them but that just wasn’t a thing with my girl (at 5.5y now, trying to get her in her jammies is a different story though lol) This is to say, do what works for you. If doing it on the floor works, great! If you use the change table every time, great! First time moms do have lots to learn but ya know what? We usually figure it out and don’t all need a second to show it ;)
Maybe I'm odd but I wouldn't mind those comments. My MIL made many similar - she often would give me advice. Sometimes I agreed... sometimes I disagreed. I was mostly very grateful for her help as she really is so much help unlike my own parents. Being a parent is a humbling experience. Nome of us truly know what we are doing whether first time or second time. My mother in law would have no way excused your SIL for being a second time mum and changing on the floor haha. I hope you will find peace with only being a first time mum once baby arrives. I had a lot of similar feelings but now really appreciate the benefits of oad.
Sorry you had to go through that. My SIL has 3 kids back to back so we get compared A LOT. When people ask me if I'm a FTM, I tell them yeah, I'm a first-time mom and a last time mom, with a big smile.