Tantrums and whining is a boundary issue. If show them it’s allowed, then they will do it. You have to be super consistent. If they ask for something in a whiny voice, they don’t get it. They’re rude to you they get 1 warning and then a (small,related) consequence. (If they don’t stop). They be demanding when playing, 1 warning and then you stop playing with them. They throw a tantrum at the shops, you take them home.
Unfortunately it’s just a case of repetition. Once they realise whining, being rude, demanding or throwing tantrums isn’t going to serve them then they will stop. Any hint that they might get away with it, they will continue with it.
It’s not really an only child thing, it’s a kid thing. I guess if anything, kids are less forgiving of this behaviour in their peers. Parents can be more indulgent - so in that respect an only child with parents who don’t hold firm boundaries can be more prone to this.
My concern is that my husband and I are very consistent with boundaries, but I KNOW my mother is not, and I have tried to be very clear about how important this consistency is, but she is incapable of doing anything but succumbing to whining. I wish I had another childcare option at this time since my mother does not and will not follow our directions in regards to his whining and behaviours, which I feel is an issue with the inconsistency…
Not unless we switch to a new school, because it’s already too expensive. I’m looking into pre-k right now though honestly because he’s starting to not even want to be with my mum anymore. I feel badly because she struggles with depression and watching our kid gives her so much joy and purpose (which is why she refuses to set boundaries), but I just worry about what’s best for him with consistency
Your child will struggle a lot getting mixed messages at home and at grandma’s. It’s unfair on him tbh. Small differences in rules at different places is very normal and okay (at nursery, when you’re done eating you can leave the table and play, at home you need to ask to be let down from the table, a simple example). But deeper stuff like this around behaviours and communication and boundaries is a lot to ask of a child and he will be very confused if whining is ignored or disciplined at home and at grandma’s it’s wildly immediately successful.
Sounds like it’s time to find an affordable childcare option and decrease time with grandma to the occasional sleepover or time all together as a family.
This is the perfect example of how free childcare is never really free, it always ends up being paid for somehow! Sometimes the strings aren’t worth it.
As a childcare provider of 27 years I highly HIGHLY recommend the book “How To Talk So Kids Will Listen”. It is honestly like magic. And I really like “Kids, Parents, Powerstruggles”, too. It brings down the intensity and brings back the connection you both need. 4 was the hardest age for me for sure!!!
Thank you! I was honestly just googling books I should get to help with this stage of parenting so I truly appreciate this suggestion. Will check it out with my library this week! :)
I’ll second this. “How to talk so kids will listen” also has an app too so you can listen to bite size pieces and find what you need at the moment to help you through.
I thought I had it all figured out…absolutely nailing this parenting. My kid eats vegetables, and tries new food. Eats Japanese, Thai and Indian food…but yes, this latest stage made me realise I know nothing lol
Sounds like your 4 year old is acting like every other 4 year old. This age they are getting more confidence and trying to push buttons to see right from wrong.
4 to 5 and a half was the absolute hardest stage for me because I felt like a failure as her behaviour was crazy.
Your doing good and just keep going.
Thank you, I’m learning this is more universal than I gave credit for. I suppose part of the issues of my kid not having cousins, or my friends having kids his age, is that I also don’t have anyone to soundboard this behaviour off of. No one who remembers this stage.
Grateful for forums like this for some perspective
Aside from all the things you can do with healthy boundaries and keeping up good habits for a healthy relationship, I'd look into the limbic leap.
This is developmentally fairly common. The brain goes through a very emotionally significant growth spurt around this age, and some kids really struggle. The amygdala is growing and maturing, and this can disrupt their fight or flight responses and make for some very stressed, very reactive little humans.
I just looked this up, thank you! I do feel like his emotions are just extra hyped and this developmental leap makes complete sense.
I suppose I just became hyper aware of it after two playdates in a row that the other kid was relieved we were leaving because my kid was being so difficult to play with. Not to mention his hyper clinginess towards my spouse and I. I just worried I wasn’t getting anywhere with my parenting methods because of how little opportunities he has to socialise and practice some of these skills.
I feel better now after posting here in understanding this is common.
>That he is just not used to being socialised, sharing, etc…
But he is in daycare - he is socializing, sharing, etc. Three year olds are not masters yet. As another comment said, this isn't an only child thing, it's a kid thing. His peers are giving him natural consequences by not playing with him if he's being whiny and rude and throwing a tantrum.
FWIW I know some kids that are 4 and are very whiny, melt down over things other kids don't, etc. They aren't onlies, they're twins and have an older sibling. It's a phase or tendency (or possibly neurodiversity in some cases) and not about siblings.
He is in daycare, but just those 2 days. I suppose I was concerned I should be socializing him more, but you’re right, this is probably more universal than I give credit to.
Our only had a really hard time at 4, for the first time ever really. I think it is really common for a lot of 4 year olds. For us, making sure we were getting outside, and getting heavywork/full body movemt (usuallt swimming) everyday helped with some of it.
My girl just turned four and is exactly the same, I think it comes with the territory they are learning to push their boundaries and see what they can get away with. They also find emotional regulation hard at that age. It’s frustrating and trying to deal with it in a calm manner is so hard I find. I’m trying my best to not lose it at her but sometimes it’s really hard. Hoping its a phase and passes as she gets abit older. I thought it got easier as they got older but every age brings their own challenges ❤️
Also definitely not an only child thing so don’t think that. I’m sure you’re doing the best you can !!
Thank you for the support. I sometimes just worry if something I’m struggling with is an effect of being such a lonely child, without any cousins or playmates, I forget that all kids in all family situations have different struggles
Not that this is the only cause of brattiness but sometimes kids act bratty when they're stressed. Did anything change at daycare? My daughter had an experience with another kid at preschool who had somewhat aggressive behaviors (nothing extreme but he would chase her and not understand her cues that it was too much and not fun anymore) and the staff really didn't do enough to stop it. It changed her attitude a lot.
Transitions in general bring out her worst behavior too.
Also I think around this age kids start to have this awareness that they're not as little and they're being asked to be more independent and it causes a little insecurity. New expectations, new responsibilities.
This is a good point, that I should examine. My child gives me no feedback to how their days go at daycare. I know he’s his teachers favourite, but other than that I don’t know how many conflicts he’s experiencing and how it’s addressed. He did have a best friend that was recently taken out of daycare. That change could be a big part of it
Yeah that could definitely be a big part of it, if his friend was part of his "normal" and now he's gone. If he's teacher's favorite that's probably a good thing at least insofar as someone has his back!. I just know with my daughter it took me several times of her telling me to really get the message as to how much it was bothering her and it definitely was bringing out something that looked like brattiness but was actually anxiety (resolved now luckily).
Is there any way to schedule a playdate with his friend? I would just be so surprised if this wasn’t part of it if you’re noticing an increase in these behaviors since they left.
I really like Janet Lansbury as a resource for stuff like this. She has some books and a podcast called Unruffled. She focuses on respectful parenting and often talks about boundaries. The root of every podcast episode is kind of the same so I’ll listen to a few I haven’t heard yet when my 4 year old is going through something new and it’s been helpful. In another comment I see that it’s hard for your mom to be consistent with boundaries. Would she be open to listening or reading a resource that you recommend to her? I normally don’t like shoving resources down other peoples throats but I had so many lightbulb moments from Janet that I finally shared it with my husband as something to make things easier and as something I was excited about and it worked really well. I know it’s a different dynamic with your mom than your partner though.
My daughter just turned 4 and we’re in a similar boat… not quite as challenging as yours but I’ve really noticed a change in her behaviour in the weeks leading up to and since her bday at the beginning of the month. She’s been quite sassy towards her friends and really pushing boundaries
We went through that around the same age, and my husband was convinced that we needed to be more harsh and decide on punishments. No, sir, he's just 4. He's only been stringing coherent sentences for a year (or less). Every time we get attitude from him (7 in a couple of weeks), Hubs gets it in his head that "this is what onlies are like and we need to nip this now." No, he's 7 and is learning what boundaries he can push and get away with. Just like literally every other 7-year-old on the planet. Our neighbor has a boy the same age, and he's worse. There are three children in that family.
Our kids are going to be snotty, a*hole teens in a few short years. They're going to be snotty a*holes because they're hormonal teenagers. Not because they don'thave siblings. I was a terror, as was my younger brother for a while. We were obviously not only children.
Our kids are going to have attitudes. They're going to talk back. They're going to have selfish phases. They're going to push boundries. This is literally what kids do and have done since the dawn of time.
They're going to do it, and it's our job to not cave when they push often enough or hard enough. If we cave, it will continue, and it will get worse. If we don't, it will be crazy hard and super annoying at times, but it will stop.
If we do it right, these selfish, whining, tantrum-throwing little kids will learn and grow into their emotions and feelings, and they will turn into caring, empathetic adults who contribute to society.
Our almost 7-year-old has been on this planet for 84 months. My husband and I have been around for over 500. He's still learning how to live. It's our job to teach him.
No advice here. Consistancy is what we do but I don't know if that's "the key".
Ours is 4 (almost 5) and I think it's the hardest age (till..?). But it's getting better now. 😌
Tantrums and whining is a boundary issue. If show them it’s allowed, then they will do it. You have to be super consistent. If they ask for something in a whiny voice, they don’t get it. They’re rude to you they get 1 warning and then a (small,related) consequence. (If they don’t stop). They be demanding when playing, 1 warning and then you stop playing with them. They throw a tantrum at the shops, you take them home. Unfortunately it’s just a case of repetition. Once they realise whining, being rude, demanding or throwing tantrums isn’t going to serve them then they will stop. Any hint that they might get away with it, they will continue with it. It’s not really an only child thing, it’s a kid thing. I guess if anything, kids are less forgiving of this behaviour in their peers. Parents can be more indulgent - so in that respect an only child with parents who don’t hold firm boundaries can be more prone to this.
My concern is that my husband and I are very consistent with boundaries, but I KNOW my mother is not, and I have tried to be very clear about how important this consistency is, but she is incapable of doing anything but succumbing to whining. I wish I had another childcare option at this time since my mother does not and will not follow our directions in regards to his whining and behaviours, which I feel is an issue with the inconsistency…
Is there any way to increase daycare and decrease days with your mom?
Not unless we switch to a new school, because it’s already too expensive. I’m looking into pre-k right now though honestly because he’s starting to not even want to be with my mum anymore. I feel badly because she struggles with depression and watching our kid gives her so much joy and purpose (which is why she refuses to set boundaries), but I just worry about what’s best for him with consistency
Your child will struggle a lot getting mixed messages at home and at grandma’s. It’s unfair on him tbh. Small differences in rules at different places is very normal and okay (at nursery, when you’re done eating you can leave the table and play, at home you need to ask to be let down from the table, a simple example). But deeper stuff like this around behaviours and communication and boundaries is a lot to ask of a child and he will be very confused if whining is ignored or disciplined at home and at grandma’s it’s wildly immediately successful. Sounds like it’s time to find an affordable childcare option and decrease time with grandma to the occasional sleepover or time all together as a family. This is the perfect example of how free childcare is never really free, it always ends up being paid for somehow! Sometimes the strings aren’t worth it.
As a childcare provider of 27 years I highly HIGHLY recommend the book “How To Talk So Kids Will Listen”. It is honestly like magic. And I really like “Kids, Parents, Powerstruggles”, too. It brings down the intensity and brings back the connection you both need. 4 was the hardest age for me for sure!!!
Thank you! I was honestly just googling books I should get to help with this stage of parenting so I truly appreciate this suggestion. Will check it out with my library this week! :)
Given your child is 4, you might check to see if they have the book in the series for little kids (How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen).
I’ll second this. “How to talk so kids will listen” also has an app too so you can listen to bite size pieces and find what you need at the moment to help you through.
Haha, my daughter almost never tantrummed as a 2 or 3. I patted myself in the back. Prematurely. Then we hit 4. 🥳
I thought I had it all figured out…absolutely nailing this parenting. My kid eats vegetables, and tries new food. Eats Japanese, Thai and Indian food…but yes, this latest stage made me realise I know nothing lol
Buckle up because just when you get resigned to this new stage, your kid will have moved on to something else.
Always a challenge, eh?
They wouldn’t want us bored. :)
Same, 4 is A LOT. OP you're not alone. My 4.5 y/o is a butthole just like yours. We work through it and learn. It's temporary not forever.
Sounds like your 4 year old is acting like every other 4 year old. This age they are getting more confidence and trying to push buttons to see right from wrong. 4 to 5 and a half was the absolute hardest stage for me because I felt like a failure as her behaviour was crazy. Your doing good and just keep going.
Thank you, I’m learning this is more universal than I gave credit for. I suppose part of the issues of my kid not having cousins, or my friends having kids his age, is that I also don’t have anyone to soundboard this behaviour off of. No one who remembers this stage. Grateful for forums like this for some perspective
Aside from all the things you can do with healthy boundaries and keeping up good habits for a healthy relationship, I'd look into the limbic leap. This is developmentally fairly common. The brain goes through a very emotionally significant growth spurt around this age, and some kids really struggle. The amygdala is growing and maturing, and this can disrupt their fight or flight responses and make for some very stressed, very reactive little humans.
I just looked this up, thank you! I do feel like his emotions are just extra hyped and this developmental leap makes complete sense. I suppose I just became hyper aware of it after two playdates in a row that the other kid was relieved we were leaving because my kid was being so difficult to play with. Not to mention his hyper clinginess towards my spouse and I. I just worried I wasn’t getting anywhere with my parenting methods because of how little opportunities he has to socialise and practice some of these skills. I feel better now after posting here in understanding this is common.
>That he is just not used to being socialised, sharing, etc… But he is in daycare - he is socializing, sharing, etc. Three year olds are not masters yet. As another comment said, this isn't an only child thing, it's a kid thing. His peers are giving him natural consequences by not playing with him if he's being whiny and rude and throwing a tantrum. FWIW I know some kids that are 4 and are very whiny, melt down over things other kids don't, etc. They aren't onlies, they're twins and have an older sibling. It's a phase or tendency (or possibly neurodiversity in some cases) and not about siblings.
He is in daycare, but just those 2 days. I suppose I was concerned I should be socializing him more, but you’re right, this is probably more universal than I give credit to.
Our only had a really hard time at 4, for the first time ever really. I think it is really common for a lot of 4 year olds. For us, making sure we were getting outside, and getting heavywork/full body movemt (usuallt swimming) everyday helped with some of it.
Movement is a good tip! I should really revisit some swim lessons
My girl just turned four and is exactly the same, I think it comes with the territory they are learning to push their boundaries and see what they can get away with. They also find emotional regulation hard at that age. It’s frustrating and trying to deal with it in a calm manner is so hard I find. I’m trying my best to not lose it at her but sometimes it’s really hard. Hoping its a phase and passes as she gets abit older. I thought it got easier as they got older but every age brings their own challenges ❤️ Also definitely not an only child thing so don’t think that. I’m sure you’re doing the best you can !!
Thank you for the support. I sometimes just worry if something I’m struggling with is an effect of being such a lonely child, without any cousins or playmates, I forget that all kids in all family situations have different struggles
Not that this is the only cause of brattiness but sometimes kids act bratty when they're stressed. Did anything change at daycare? My daughter had an experience with another kid at preschool who had somewhat aggressive behaviors (nothing extreme but he would chase her and not understand her cues that it was too much and not fun anymore) and the staff really didn't do enough to stop it. It changed her attitude a lot. Transitions in general bring out her worst behavior too. Also I think around this age kids start to have this awareness that they're not as little and they're being asked to be more independent and it causes a little insecurity. New expectations, new responsibilities.
This is a good point, that I should examine. My child gives me no feedback to how their days go at daycare. I know he’s his teachers favourite, but other than that I don’t know how many conflicts he’s experiencing and how it’s addressed. He did have a best friend that was recently taken out of daycare. That change could be a big part of it
Yeah that could definitely be a big part of it, if his friend was part of his "normal" and now he's gone. If he's teacher's favorite that's probably a good thing at least insofar as someone has his back!. I just know with my daughter it took me several times of her telling me to really get the message as to how much it was bothering her and it definitely was bringing out something that looked like brattiness but was actually anxiety (resolved now luckily).
Is there any way to schedule a playdate with his friend? I would just be so surprised if this wasn’t part of it if you’re noticing an increase in these behaviors since they left.
Sounds like 4. Signed, Mother of a 4 year old 😫
I really like Janet Lansbury as a resource for stuff like this. She has some books and a podcast called Unruffled. She focuses on respectful parenting and often talks about boundaries. The root of every podcast episode is kind of the same so I’ll listen to a few I haven’t heard yet when my 4 year old is going through something new and it’s been helpful. In another comment I see that it’s hard for your mom to be consistent with boundaries. Would she be open to listening or reading a resource that you recommend to her? I normally don’t like shoving resources down other peoples throats but I had so many lightbulb moments from Janet that I finally shared it with my husband as something to make things easier and as something I was excited about and it worked really well. I know it’s a different dynamic with your mom than your partner though.
My daughter just turned 4 and we’re in a similar boat… not quite as challenging as yours but I’ve really noticed a change in her behaviour in the weeks leading up to and since her bday at the beginning of the month. She’s been quite sassy towards her friends and really pushing boundaries
We went through that around the same age, and my husband was convinced that we needed to be more harsh and decide on punishments. No, sir, he's just 4. He's only been stringing coherent sentences for a year (or less). Every time we get attitude from him (7 in a couple of weeks), Hubs gets it in his head that "this is what onlies are like and we need to nip this now." No, he's 7 and is learning what boundaries he can push and get away with. Just like literally every other 7-year-old on the planet. Our neighbor has a boy the same age, and he's worse. There are three children in that family. Our kids are going to be snotty, a*hole teens in a few short years. They're going to be snotty a*holes because they're hormonal teenagers. Not because they don'thave siblings. I was a terror, as was my younger brother for a while. We were obviously not only children. Our kids are going to have attitudes. They're going to talk back. They're going to have selfish phases. They're going to push boundries. This is literally what kids do and have done since the dawn of time. They're going to do it, and it's our job to not cave when they push often enough or hard enough. If we cave, it will continue, and it will get worse. If we don't, it will be crazy hard and super annoying at times, but it will stop. If we do it right, these selfish, whining, tantrum-throwing little kids will learn and grow into their emotions and feelings, and they will turn into caring, empathetic adults who contribute to society. Our almost 7-year-old has been on this planet for 84 months. My husband and I have been around for over 500. He's still learning how to live. It's our job to teach him.
4 is by far the most asshole-y age, and I say this as someone who’s only is a surly, hormone ravaged 14 year old.
No advice here. Consistancy is what we do but I don't know if that's "the key". Ours is 4 (almost 5) and I think it's the hardest age (till..?). But it's getting better now. 😌