I wont comment on your future plans but this is what I can tell you about marriage for immigration:
There nothing more important than to have an understanding peaceful home to go to. As an immigrant to any country, you will be cut off from friends and family you grew up with. If your spouse is a jerk and cant give you a home live in love and peace, all this green/yellow/red card is for no use. Contrary to what people think, it is extremely difficult to escape an abusive marriage without having pricey lawyers to back you in the US, otherwise your significant other could have charged you with immigration fraud, and put you to even deeper trouble. I applaud your decision to end things before it got too messy.
As for your friends who says that they would do anything to get a green card, based on what I read on your post, you're reasonably talented person to make your way to the US without a family sponsorship. You work in the tech sector, which is big start to a long life career. Work hard, network smartly, eventually with right determination, you may find your way to the US on your own if Allah wills.
All the best, and I hope you have better days ahead
100% agree. Do not jeopardize your life over a green card. Also, check out Souls Sister USA on Facebook. You will find every other post is from an immigrant wife who wants to leave her US citizen abusive husband. It's really horrifying. You did the right thing. Never doubt your gut feelings
Also a green card isn't the end all be all people think. Pakistanis underestimate how ridiculously hard it is to live in the US especially today and there's really not many benefits to all that hard work
You did a really smart thing of getting out from the mess before rukhsati. All your genius friends aren’t your real friends imo cuz the first thing he would’ve done was put a baby in you and boom, stuck for life with so many strings attached now. I pray you have a great and successful life ahead, best of luck.
I can give you a list of horror stories of young girls who have moved to western countries through marriage to abusive spouses.
Your friends don’t know anything, really they think it would have been easy to move to America then get divorced? Do you really think he’d have filed paperwork for you at all? His mum needed an unpaid servant so he was demanding you move to her house, he’d have visited occasionally (he’s probably got a girlfriend in America), you’d have been pregnant in no time and forced to stop working.
Do you have any idea how difficult and expensive it is to get a divorce in America (if you’d made it to America even)? Lawyers cost $$$$ and your soon to be ex wasn’t going to give you access to money by the sounds of things.
You had a lucky escape, someone’s Duas/good deeds saved you.
>some of my friends just won't stop talking about what an easy opportunity it was and that people go through so much to get the green card
Why don't they offer to get hitched to him? See how they like being treated with such disrespect. Smeesh... it's a green card, not a passport to Jannah. Good on you for having standards and enforcing boundaries, the bar seems to be in hell for some people.
Know of a quite similar situation with one of my friends. The guy went on to marry another girl within the very week that khula was finalized. This guy was also using visa application as leverage, not allowing my friend access to her very own visa application, saying he is the husband , thus superior and doesn’t like giving ‘control’ to wife. Blackmailing my friend’s family for rukhsati, saying no he wont take her to US , and will ‘check’ her first by living here with her. Both him and his mother had similar daqyanoosi expectations of my friend. Good fucking riddance. Fuck these people honestly.
OP You are far better off getting rid of him. You seem like a very ambitious and honest person and you will make your own way in life. You dont need to carry around this dead weight for some green card. And as for your friends, get better friends! Aur Allah unhen hidayat de
Wow, this sounds so similar to what happened to me. I wish we had some forum where we could expose such OSPs and warn other Pakistanis of marrying them because often times when it comes to OSPs, it's hard perform the required checks.
What's written for you is written by the best of writers.
If you have rizq in US, you'll be here, with or without the idiot you dodged.
Focus on the present and may it be easy for you!
There are many women in Pakistan who are conservative, share the mindset of being housewives. Yet these men keep going for women who are the exact opposite.
>
The way my mother always explained it, the traditional man wants a woman to be subservient, but he never falls in love with subservient women. He's attracted to independent women. "He's like an exotic bird collector," she said. "He only wants a woman who is free because his dream is to put her in a cage.
Trevor Noah, Born a Crime: Stories From a South African Childhood
Do these men “love” these independent women? I don’t think applies at all to our culture even though it’s a very well worded idea. Men living abroad want women that they can brag about at work ( that she’s educated etc) I guess and still get a maid at home.
I know right! If he is so conservative and hate feminist women etc then he should not be living in a country that's full of that. Such a hypocrite bunch
1. **Background**: The user had an arranged nikah with a US citizen from a traditional family, but they are progressive-minded and faced significant personality clashes and stress.
2. **Relationship Issues**: The husband was regressive, expected to be treated like a God, imposed absurd rules, and used immigration paperwork as blackmail. He was abusive, belittling, and controlling.
3. **Decision for Khula**: After a year of trying to make it work, the user filed for khula. Initially, their family opposed but later supported this decision, recognizing the husband's abusive nature.
4. **Friends' Opinions**: Some friends criticized the user for missing an opportunity to get a green card, suggesting they should have stayed for a couple of years to obtain it and then left.
5. **Moral Dilemma**: The user struggled with whether they made the right choice, given their financial and social situation. They also considered reporting the husband and his father for immigration fraud but decided against it to move on.
6. **Future Plans**: The user is applying for a master's degree in Europe and plans to take out a loan if necessary. They are looking for reassurance that they made the right decision.
7. **Support System**: The user's family is supportive of their plan to move to Europe, despite the challenges ahead.
I am married to a US citizen, so I think I can answer your question.
I got the rishta of my husband when I was only 22 years old; back in 2018.
While I never wanted to move abroad, my family found the guy very charming and obedient, that he is. Also, this rishta was sent by our dur k relatives.
First I did all the rona dhona that I want to study further and not wanna get married ( I'm from karachi and I would say I'm not rich but def priviliged).
Then my family started to brag about the guy in front of me, his education, his job etc, they made me talk to my mother in law and she was extremely sweet to me, so I also became interested in this rishta. I found my mother in law very progressive, It really impressed me. So eventually I said yes.
Fast forward, when I went to USA after my rukhsati and visa processing, In the first 5 days I knew I made a mistake. That lovey dovey mother in law showed her true colors. She made me do house chores and told everyone in the family that I do nothing. She abused me and my parents and then call her relatives and tell them I am abusive.
She told me I can't sit on the dining table and eat dinner with everyone. I used to have my lunch/dinner in my room ALONE. I missed my family terribly.
I got pregnant in 2021 and miscarried my baby becuase I was under constant stress and while I was still bleeding she made me leave the house. I was devastated. I had no where to go.
My husband? He's a BIG time mama's boy so he remained silent.
You have literally dodged a bullet, these pardesi people marry girls in Pakistan so they can humiliate them every single day and they know that these girls won't have any mayka or friends in USA to go and seek help. So they abuse these girls khullam khulla.
It is easy to say that you could get divorce after a green card etc but what if you became pregnant right away? Its not easy to leave your husband's house in a country where no one is yours. You're new there and don't know many things. It's good that you left that toxic person. I'm so proud of you.
Most Overseas Pakistanis are more conservative than we think they are especially 1st nd 2nd Gen, he was clearly more than usual.
toxic Bec he thinks it is easy for him to get any girl.
Although there are few things you may have compromised on like Job if the guy was good & respectful, but he clearly had a bucket full of wrongs going on.. so it seems You have dodged a bullet.
Tell your friends sleeping with a person for 2 years who you don’t like and is abusive is not worth it.. or worth the paper work at least. Bec green card is not millions of dollars, it’s just a permit to live and the journey/ struggle starts from there with its own challenges.
Plus if you had gotten pregnant then separation would be a lot more messy.
Try for Germany or find a decent bloke here.. forget the past.. believe me living in less is far better than living in stress !! Especially abroad where you have minimal support system ( no frnds family).
P.S In every relationship compromises are required Bec both individuals adjust accordingly.
But abuse, insult and bullying are the things you shouldn’t be compromising on as they will grow bigger with time.
Numerous overseas Pakistanis think that they can get any girl. All those that I have encountered (friends, relatives, potential rishtas) seem to think that their new passport or residency gives them some sort of an immunity to be a jerk to other people when it’s time to settle down.
As a religious Muslim I absolutely despise people like this. It’s not like I don’t think western Muslims and Eastern Muslims should marry (I’d be single if that were the case, I am a western Muslim after all). But I feel like there are too many passport bro type guys out there who fully intend on getting some village girl who doesn’t know her rights so they can walk all over them while hanging the green card over their head.
I’ll probably get downvoted for this, but who cares? I think you SHOULD report them for their own visa fraud. People like this are the reason Pakistan’s passport is so weak and why I can’t even get my wife a visa. Definitely go to USCIS if you have evidence they committed visa fraud. They don’t play around with this at all in the US and it’ll end up getting him banned from the rest of the anglosphere considering they share records. If not for you, then for the legitimate families waiting years just to be refused and kept apart. People like that are exactly the reason for this, they deserve to be punished for it. Idc how many people I offend saying this. It’s not fair to the legitimate immigrants for people like this to cut the line through fraud.
I understand what you mean and it makes me angry too that they can get away with it. Also I am worried about the next girl he's gonna marry and put through this. My only concern is that, I am sure he's gonna figure out I reported him and then him and his family could come after me and my family here and I wouldn't wanna put my family in danger.
In that case, if you still did want to report it, wait till you’re in Europe (really good if you go to the UK since they share records so he couldn’t enter the UK). But don’t put your life at risk if you fear this. Your life and safety matters more than anything else. I hope that Allah rewards you for your suffering and that he blesses you with the best husband out there Ameen.
Even if I move to Europe, my family will still be in Pakistan so I have to be careful and maybe when I will report him, I could talk to USCIS about this concern of mine and see if they have any suggestions to keep my family protected.
I know the US feds do run witness protection programs though idk how hard they’d pursue this unless he and his dad were involved in criminal activity like drugs or terrorism. They definitely have stripped citizenship in the past before though and they will do it over fraud. You can get away with a lot and keep US citizenship but if the original citizenship was granted because of fraudulent grounds then they’d absolutely strip them of it and deport them. I believe anonymous tips work and they’d play it off like they just found inconsistencies in their visas and background information.
That being said, I wouldn’t think less of you if you decided to play safe. You sound like a decent and levelheaded person so InshaAllah this will pass and you’ll probably only remember it occasionally. May Allah make things easy for you and may he keep you and your family safe from any kind of harm whether it be from visa fraudster and co or anyone bad Ameen.
You’re lucky.. you just saved your life. Things have a way of working out if you surrender to the good of the universe. Wishing you all best. Meanwhile just food for thought: often the diaspora is wayyy conservative than their home countries of origin.
You're a queen for doing this. Girls don't need guys in their lives to be happy and especially such toxic men with mindset straight from the 60s. (maybe try using paragraphs and ignore the dms from horny men in this sub)💙💚💛
You did the right thing!!!
I was in a similar boat a couple of years back. The guy marketed himself as a super religious person living in Australia. would send me religious books to read. But once told me he hasn’t prayed in a year.
He would ask me to call his mother and kept telling me I need to work at all costs when I move with him. I found it very weird. I had been working but despite being middle class my father never forced me to.
He also demanded nikah on Skype without formal ruksati and walima because according to him he has already spent a lot of money coming here to arrange Rishta and all.
His family was also weird. They are would bitch about each other with me all the time 😂. I was 20 he was 32 🥴
I called off the engagement once I graduated. He would also tell me women are dying to marry him. But when I broke off the engagement he lost his mind. He asked my best friend to tell me to unblock him. He would make WhatsApp groups trying to talk and begging me to come back. Ugh I hate that time.
Anyways, I married my best friend. Best decision ever!! I can’t even imagine what would have happened if I had chosen to stay in that relationship. I’m happy that I made the choice I made at a young age and didn’t let anyone guilt or force me into it.
Your family is okay with you taking a divorce, moving abroad and having progressive thinking but not with getting to know the guy youre getting MARRIED to?
They have changed a lot this last year. They realized they made a mistake and they have become more flexible now. My dad even said I can tell him if I wanna marry some guy but I don't wanna jump into another marriage now and want to focus on moving to Europe first.
You did the right thing. I wish you the best. I hope life is easy for you in Europe, and that you meet a kind and caring person. If your university offers mental health services, take advantage.
A small population who marry wrong, make it known... While the other happy bulk has no reason to market their happiness. So, just because the states you observe are skewed, you can't not logically make your claim.
If you marry into an uneducated mess overseas or local, don't expect anything less. OSP is still a Pakistani. No card or passport changes that...
I have a question, what guarantee do you have that he will take you to USA considering his mother live in Pakistan?
instead he will ask you to stay with his mother and take care of her and do whatever she asked you to do.
The thing is if the boy wanted to marry someone who can be a housewife, well there all million girls wanting to become one. The problem arise while choosing a partner coz in start everything seems great and no one really asks the real questions. Had they been asked you would have been spared of this mental frenzy and he could have chosen someone better suited for him… million cases of similar nature.
I think you totally made the right decision, and I am most glad to hear your family was supportive of your decision. No one should have to put up with a relationship that isn’t working for the sake of living abroad, your mental health and wellbeing is much more important than that, and it seems you have a very bright future ahead inshallah
You did good I think we should come out of the delusion that things would change after marriage most of the times girls and sometimes even boys make this mistake of moving forward with the marriage that things will change after the wedding but no it doesn't happen choose your spouse carefully your viewpoints should align with each other
and second thing change your friends and company please a true friend would never say this shit that they would do anything for a green card meanwhile the person is going through a very rough path.
Your family support's you and you're ambitious just don't care about other's.Be thankful to ALLAH that things got clear for you before the marriage just think about it what would have happened later on and yes bad karma does exist you doing bad to someone because the other person was worst to you doesn't makes you a saint apk apne gunah hain usk apne you both will separately answer the afterlife.
Last thing I don't know why overseas Pakistani are so regressive and backwards.
Things are not very rosy when it comes to Overseas Pakistanis.
Some of them are toxic and psychopaths.
You see, the parents bringing their 70s, 80s culture into foreign lands and refusing to integrate with their host country. While the origin country dynamics continue to improve.
This is very much prevalent in British Pakistanis.
So tread very carefully when it comes to proposals from overseas Pakistanis.
A small loving circle in a shit country is better than shitty strangers in a first world country, hun.
You didn't make a mistake. He tormented your self respect that's why you're doubting yourself. And trust me a green card isn't worth dealing with a pig of a man.
You stood up for yourself and there's nothing more admirable than that. More success to you
It’s very easy to lecture others and your friends are doing this. Ask your friends to marry him as that insecure man is looking for a “simpler” woman who can follow him around like a dog and as they have already said to you that “they would do anything for a green card”. Seems like a match made in heaven to me.
Early signs of toxic relationship, things generally do not improve.
People don't change (most people)
We all have to make the best decisions we can. What's right for one may not be right for another.
As long as you know you are the one who chose this, you will be much happier rather being at someone else mercy.
You are a strong woman who made the right decision. His man is not only the type that uses religion for their gain but is more than happy to be abusive towards you.
As for the fraud thing, yeah people like him are the reason why good people can't even study in other countries. Good thing you got out of it because sooner or later, they will be found out.
Also, I am happy that your family is supportive. I have seen people change when they see their child going through a situation like this, so it is great that they are working with you on this.
The thing that scared me was the other women telling me to be okay with abuse just to get that green card. I don't think Pakistan is so bad that anyone should be basically moving in with a person who might as well abuse them. Like the horrible mentality, they must have. Does everyone think that America is just a bed of roses and nothing can go wrong there?
A family member of mine had the same restrictions, with the couple not being able to talk to each other before Rukhsati. The first few months of marriage were just constant fighting. The problem for me was that people found that okay.
A lot of people forget that marriage is like a Partnership and you have to be equal in it.
The last thing, I read you were looking for cheap universities and degrees. My recommendation (as I give to so many people) go to Belgium. They have a 1-year degree, and the fee for that year would be around 3-4k euros (for most degrees). Easy to get in and their blocked account is cheaper (around 45 lakh I think). They have pretty good Unis like Ku Leuven and Ughent. Better than Italians IMO. That is my backup country if nothing pans out in the US. France isn't really cheap. Germany is good but the visa process is a mess.
People literally think money grows on trees in the US.
Like you go there and they offer you keys to a massive house on arrival and then you ride into the sunset in your brand new Tesla.
If anything out of all the Western nations USA is the hardest to crack. There’s no governmental support or welfare system.
Exactly!! They feel just every problem you have be it financial, emotional, mental etc will be fixed. My aunt who is American citizen explained to me. Her kids can't even go to a big uni because it's expensive.
I don't want to move to the US myself. I don't care where I end up after my degree, be it Pakistan, usa, or whatever other country I end up in, I want to make sure I get the best education I can get with my merit and resources. I think people need to think like that. That way they can actually excel in the things they do rather than chasing dreams.
You did good I think we should come out of the delusion that things would change after marriage most of the times girls and sometimes even boys make this mistake of moving forward with the marriage that things will change after the wedding but no it doesn't happen choose your spouse carefully your viewpoints should align with each other
and second thing change your friends and company please a true friend would never say this shit that they would do anything for a green card meanwhile the person is going through a very rough path.
Your family support's you and you're ambitious just don't care about other's.Be thankful to ALLAH that things got clear for you before the marriage just think about it what would have happened later on and yes bad karma does exist you doing bad to someone because the other person was worst to you doesn't makes you a saint apk apne gunah hain usk apne you both will separately answer the afterlife.
Last thing I don't know why overseas Pakistani are so regressive and backwards.
Your friends would prefer living with an aH their entire life, have kids with him, leave everything you dreamed of in your life, just for a green card?
You're better than that
Don't even feel any remorse for not going ahead with a toxic relationship. You have saved yourself. This would have ended in you being battered and compromised in the long run (especially once you have had children). Those of your friends saying that they would do anything to get a green card, tell them that they are welcome to marry him.
I appreciate you for the decision you made about your life. Self-respect is over money, green card or anything. If you are doing well here then look for someone here who respects and doesn't want to mould you as per his whims. I know it is too hard to find like-minded people which I am struggling too but in the end it's worth it. Good luck for your future, you really dodged a bullet.
Men like that only marry women from back home to be able to control them. There’s a reason he couldn’t find a woman overseas.
As someone who lives and grew up in the west, these men who use immigration/religion to justify their bad behaviour and terrible personality marry back home because they couldn’t find anyone to put up with their nonsense in the west and they think they have an advantage over people back home.
They think they are in the west so they are automatically a 10/10 to anyone still back home when in reality they are a -10/10 to anyone no matter the location.
Men do whatever they want and then ‘settle’ for a good obedient woman back home - I’m not surprised most of them are mummy’s boys.
Your self respect and your peace are not worth a visa. Something he would just use against you anyway.
Your rizq is your rizq, no matter what happens Allah SWT will give you whatever is written for you. No one in this world could ever remove something from you that is in your qadr. You didn’t waste an opportunity that Allah gave you, Allah showed you this man’s true self and gave you the blessing of leaving.
What kind of “opportunity” would It have been if he kept you in an abusive, subservient prison? That is not a real man. That is not a man of god. You’d end up raising his kids to be like him- for your sons to be abusive and your daughter to accept abuse. Not to mention the amount of honour killings that happen in North America. It’s so tragic.
The masters sounds like the ACTUAL opportunity.
YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. I heard the story of a woman who was shot by her ex-husband who was also abusive to her. So the whole you could have left him afterwards sounds to risky. If this is how he is behaving not even with you, think about how he will be you both will start living together. HECK NO.
This was not a blessing from Allah. Allah's blessings do not come in ways that they make you lose self respect for yourself. Although this could be a way to test whether you would stand up for yourself.
Also find better friends. All your friends sound Trash. If they really want him, let them have him.
DO REPORT HIM that will actually help in saving other girls from him. Nothing wrong with punishing people who are up to no good.
In Sha Allah you will have a very good life financially and in very other way after him. Ameen. I will pray for you. Stay firm on your decision.
You did not make a mistake. A green card is not worth all kinds of abuse. You're already working in a good company, I am sure you have a bright future ahead of you.
Psychopaths like Zannoor Jaffari exist. Moving to a county and putting your well-being in the hands of someone who's already proving himself to be manipulative and twisted is not wise at all.
Someone read all that and give a TL;DR plz.. Reading it too much effort for the usual run of the mill shaadi stories that have flooded this sub. Someone please be the hero and make the sacrifice.
TLDR: She was nikkafied with a man who thinks of him as the most superior being and living in the US
Was toxic as hell, will force her to talk to her MIL daily
Mother in law would report back to her son about all the things she didnt like lol
He would threaten not to process her paperwork if she doesn’t obey
Doesn’t like her calling him by name
She is from a conservative family so they didn’t talk before getting nikkahfied and now she filed for Khula
She works in a renowned tech company and have come very far in her life despite people trying to put her down
She is looking to go abroad now for further studies etc etc
Oh and she knows him and his father committed immigration fraud with proof and they can lose citizenship but would not report them as she wants to forget and move on
Edit: Her friends are opposing her decision and wanted her to pretend for the sake of green card.
I grew up loving the US and when I was finally of age, people around me and I would joke about how I would do anything for a green card because like you, I come from a middle class family and everything that I have is my own.
I have been presented with the opportunity to marry a US citizen TWICE, and I walked away HAPPILY, both times. One was a creep who fell “unconditionally in love” (his words) with me in half a day, while the other wanted me to live with his family in Pakistan for a year after Nikkah as a “trial run”. So, yes. As much as I have always wanted to go to the US, I would not have sold my soul.
Even if I could work it out in both these situations, I would choose companionship and respect, as well as someone who thinks we are equals, any day. So, kudos to you for breaking it off. It sounds really toxic and demeaning, I am glad you got out of it.
Like you, even I am thinking of pursuing my Master’s in Europe and know how hard it is. Good luck to you!
You did the right thing! So happy to hear that your family supported your decision!! It's true that living conditions aren't ideal in Pakistan, making people take extreme measures just to leave. But that's just absurd. It's like getting out of one hole and stepping into other. So, yes, proud of you and your family for taking a stand! May your future journey be filled with blessings and opportunities. All the best!! :)
Massive respect to you, you did the right thing! Based on how eloquently you wrote the post, we can clearly see your intelligence level. Never compromise on your values. The guy probably is using his US passport to lure in girls.
And for the friends saying you're dumb, tell them to marry him or marry their sister to him. #Respect
I applaud you for your courage and your parents standing behind you. You made the right choice by not getting married to that POS.
It would have gotten worse once you moved there and with no support of any kind, your life could have been worse.
Instead of thinking of it as a missed opportunity, take it as a blessing in disguise 💚
All the best and reach out if you need to talk
💚
Im really sorry for what u went through hun and i just can fully support ur decision. Believe me ur human self respect and values and pride and peace is worth more than this guy and his papers. If u did what ur friends say u would be his slave 5 years until those papers comes and of course at least 2 kids would come in this time u don't think he would wait 5 years for kids don't be naive..his mindset is more rigid than even someone from most radical places.. u totally deserve someone who gonna treat u equally respect ur feelings choice to work and complete ur studies. I also learned while talking to guys online that free lunch not exist with them... it's so much better to apply studies program and go and with ur own merits earn slowly ur things and status in Europe country. My country is also poor but I have my pride and would never allow someone treat me way he treated u even for golden papers. U done best to ask for divorce. Being around such guy u even risk ur safety. He need some quiet and scared girl from very poor family who won't have other choice than do all as he says as she probably gonna be so weak and without this inner force u have.. he made mistake as he took u for some submissive girl but times are changing i bet u would found in pak more moderate guy than this one.
You did the right thing. It's not worth it. He seems to be an abusive nutcase. Things would have become complicated had you moved there and had a child with him. Stick to your roots and build from there.
You, my friend, just dealt with an Incel. It’s horrible and unfair.
See, as a child of (Indian) immigrants myself, I’m much more progressive than my dad was when he was my age. I live in America too and the immigrants/immigrant offspring are something of a mixed bag. Most of the time we’re pretty ok but some of us make me ashamed of my roots.
If I had to guess, this guy is salty and bitter that he couldn’t get a girlfriend, so he wants a subservient wife instead. Some insurance, if you will. This is a problem plenty of South Asian men (I’ll include myself too, honestly) struggle with, because for the most part no one will date us. Our parents bring us to this place brimming with opportunity, make us citizens, and then, for whatever reason, we just can’t get the relationship that sticks. And then suddenly, we remember that our parents had arranged marriages. Now we don’t have to go through the effort of improving ourselves as people, since we can instead just get a mail-order bride who does whatever we say since we’re American and we hold all the cards, including the green one they so desperately need. I am empathic to this guy’s situation, but I am not sympathetic to his reasoning.
You made the right choice running away from all this. You seem like a smart girl - that American or European opportunity is gonna come knocking at some point, and you’ll take it when you’re ready. But for now, just put some distance between you and this.
These types of men only want women from Pakistan because they know finding a good girl is hard in USA.
Please don’t marry this person. Nothing matters more than love and respect in a relationship. It outweighs any nationality or green card.
I have met some really extremely misogynistic and backward minded Pakistani men in USA. It troubles me that such men exist even today.
"Him and his family chose me because they wanted a traditional and cultural oriented girl from Pakistan. Well, I am nothing like that "
Lives ruined on purpose !!!
Dodged a full nuclear missile here, sis. He would never change, if anything he would have made your life a living hell after rukhsati. Let him find an anparh docile servant from a village, cause that is what he wants.
Tell your friends to fuck off, that's typical brown inferiority complex that a Green Card is the ultimate reward. Mental and physical safety above all else.
Move on with your life. Hopefully this teaches your parents to do more reaearch before finding another man.
Really admiring your family rn. They supported you like they should. Many parents isolate themselves from their daughters after marriage considering their own blood as the property of sasural. Kicked that guy in the nuts for not keeping up with his bs. You friends are also gold diggers. You are a really genuine person. Keep it up. Real ppl always find real ppl. So keep being genuine to yourself and you will find an excellent better half. Much prayers.
Yes I feel lucky that my family sided with me but it wasn't easy to convince them. When I first talked to my dad about ending it, he was not supportive at all. I asked him how will I live with someone who is abusive and mentally unstable, he said you'll live with him just like every woman in Pakistan lives with her husband. But once he saw how he was, he convinced me to file for khula. I was initially hesitant and was trying to see if this could work somehow but my dad convinced me that this guy is never gonna change and will only get worse with time. He found me a lawyer and even read the the whole case file to me that the lawyer had prepared because I couldn't read it since it was very difficult Urdu. So yes, my dad supported a lot.
Well, thats a good thing. I really hope you find someone equally genuine as you. By your story you sound like a really sweet and genuine person tbh. Good luck!
I don't get how some people have the mindset to jeopardize their physical and mental health and convert every thing into an "opportunity" to get into a white country.
So you would marry someone just for the sake of getting a green card? That’s extremely shallow and pathetic.
You’re doing well for yourself and if you keep working hard, more doors will open. The Germany plan sounds great. However, you should have some moral values at least.
You obviously don't know what's it like being a woman in Pakistan. I didn't pick him my family did. I didn't even know he had the citizenship at the time of the marriage, I was only told that he lives in USA.
Good riddance girl, you are saved! You did the right thing. I am 29 (F) & Pakistani men (well atleast some of them) just turn me off completely!
Your friends are only looking at a narrow picture. They were not going to be in your place with him. From woman to woman, I am telling you this was actually the best decision of your life.
It's sad isn't it? How we think OSPs are like very progressive and cultured people? But in reality quite a big chunk are egotistical, and in a way, the worst of us...
I think you are making the right decision. Keep your principles stong, do what you believe in. A green card is not worth a lifetime of misery. Even if you go with the intention of splitting he will always have that over your head, and no matter how despicable of a person he sounds, I would not put even him through a marriage and a divorce. Marriage (to me at least) is about love and not a transaction.
Your friends need to understand that you submitting yourself to him like that is not worth any citizenship of the world, how someone like him absolutely will effect you for the worst. No good friend would put another through that. Living in the US has it's own set of challenges which will make you realize the grass isn't always greener on the other side. (This may be subjective). I also like the think that you said God is giving you an opportunity to go but I would frame it as God testing you for your principles of you stand by them. Changes quite a lot, doesn't it?
Should you need any help or advice for your masters in Europe, feel free to reach out to me. I've taken that route and will be happy to answer any questions you might have.
And lastly, stay strong! I hope there are more strong-willed girls like you in Pakistan who would stand up for themselves. Good luck!
Good on you. Your friends are idiots. This was not an opportunity. Proud of you for not putting up with whatever that guy thought he was practicing. That is not Islam , it’s just some messed up made up and convenient version which most of us like to practice to suit our needs and desires.
I can't imagine how mentally and physically exhausting this would have been for you. I'm so sorry you went through all that, but know this, you took the right decision.
In fact, I applaud you for taking a stand for yourself and identifying such psychological issues within a year or less.
Men like such, who constantly use Islam as a shield for themselves, refusing to even listen to what Islam has to offer to the woman, are more or less HUGE red flags. These are the same men who will brag about having 4 wives, yet will bark at you like a dog when you remind them that they have to treat them all equally.
>One of them was that I won't be allowed to call him by his name as he finds it disrespectful when a woman calls her husband by his name.
You think you've seen it all and then Pakistani men arise. Smh.
One important thing to note here is that the Mother in Law had an already enforced grip on her son and his life. All this extra mingling and complaining about you to him, it's not even a red flag, but a red carpet. I don't know why MILs like to get so involved in their son's married lives; worse are these mama's boys who force you keep such relationship breezy.
Anyway, you made the right decision. If your friends are telling you otherwise, I'm sorry but you need to get better and new friends.
You did the best thing. Proud of you.
You already know that doing all that just for green card, which by the changing of conditions from his side on the spot, your new order to obey would have been to live in susraal after rukhsati for few years and khidmat the shit out of his mother, ofcourse if you wanted immigration papers. That would have been the next step.
It was wrong on so many levels.
Don’t listen to people around you, every single person here have put his/her own price on morality and we wonder why this country is becoming a dump.
Allah saved you. He showed you your husband true self and got you out of that shitty situation fast. Congratulations on that. You have morals and you didn't use a shitty person to get a green card. He simply wanted a slave and not a wife. All these things are just abuse and not being strict. He expected you to be dumb and submissive and bend to his wishes. He wanted you to leave your job BC he wanted complete control over you and cut off your financial support. Ik a lot of women in my life who can't leave shitty marriages BC of not being financially independent. Dude was just an abuser. Lol. Europe is hard to settle in but at least it'll be an honest life and you'll be trying yourself. Continue being honest and doing the right thing. And if you want report him but not BC you don't like him but BC it's the right thing to do. Up to you.
First off,you need to get new friends if this is what they are telling you. God, they should be the ones to support you as u made such a big abd difficult decision. I am so happy and proud of you. And why u do u even need their validation when you’ve your family’s support. C’mon,You’re so much stronger than that. I can see you being so much successful in life, in sha Allah.
What would u have done with that green card, had he destroyed you and your mental health after the rukhsati and who knows by then u must have been pregnant and be with kids and it would have been so difficult to get out of that toxic relationship. And its not that easy to be there in the USA without family and friends with such a toxic person. Sorry to say but your friends are being idiots for telling u that u missed an opportunity.
You didn’t miss any opportunity,rather u opened doors for so many to come your way. What’s written for you, will be yours, no matter how.
You are so lucky that you have your family’s support and you should be proud of yourself for making this decision. And i am so happy that you’re applying in Europe and doing everything on your own. Best wishes and Lots of prayers for you ahead!
I don't usually comment on posts like this, but an exception I'll tell you, you did the right thing. Your friends may be wrong because they were not in your shoes. There were red flags all along and I'm glad you chose your career over this filthy man.
You’re lucky to have parents who understood the situation before it’s too late and that you don’t have kids yet.
You shouldn’t have any doubts on your decision.
US will become a hell for you if you go there knowing the kind of person he is.
You will find someone better eventually.
Someone I know is married to an OSP. She’s an engineer from one of Pakistans best university. Her family is well off and educated. She was married to a guy overseas who no doubt has an excellent job and is well off. They live in a big house and have a massive car in one of the worlds best cities.
But I’ve never seen a more miserable looking person. He doesn’t hit her or cheat on her. But he is extremely controlling. He didn’t let her have a phone for many years, doesn’t allow her to make friends even with other Pakistani women, doesn’t give her or their kids any money. He spends it all on his siblings and extended family.
His kid got sick and instead of taking her to a private physician he instead let her languish in the public system. He has money but wouldn’t spend it so that his kid got her surgery early.
His family is very typical. When his wife got pregnant they subtly insinuated that the first born better be a son or else.
Money, green card, passport pales in comparison to true love and respect. Agar kismat me hoga to mil jayega.
I might be wrong but if you had gone to a US based NGO which helps women gain their rights not only would've they helped you but they would've also protected you and opened a path for you to get the green card
Rest assured a green card ain't worth the PTSD type stuff one can have for the rest of his life and I hope you find a better life in Europe
Was a very good decision not to force anything regardless where you want to go.
Masters in Germany/Europe sounds like a good plan. Do yourself a favour an learn the local language. Regardless of many guys speqking english, it helps later to find a better job more easily.
I’m so proud of you for standing up for yourself. And what you did is exactly right. Forget that green card— your happiness and satisfaction matters more than that. I wish more women had the courage that you had to be able to stand up for themselves!
If you are going to write so much text, please break it down into smaller paragraphs. I wanted to read but everything in two paragraphs makes it very taxing.
A mommy boy, and a red flag at that. You dodged a bullet. What you did most of the girls get oppressed not to do. It's great that your parents support you. As for your friends, those haven't been out in your shoes so they wouldn't know. Simply ignore such "friends"
And if your friends find this as an ‘easy’ opportunity, maybe give them the number of the guy’s family. Let them check it out for themselves. :)
It infuriates me when friends act like turdwads.
First thing first even after a year of nikkah he hasn't applied for paper work. That is red flag ..3-4 months are good enough to compile documents and submit them.
Secondly you legit dodge a bullet and I'm happy ur family understood this form of mental abuse.
All you need is your family and may be a close friend or two to support you in your life decisions. Rest, you don't need to worry about them.
All the best with whatever you decide to do. I hope you get into the Master's program.
"talking before the nikah wasn't an option", that's one of the problems, in this day and age you need to know and cannot go in blind. I have respect for you at not listening to your friends regarding the green card as that would almost put you in his bracket.
What type of stupid idiot friends do you have ?
Do ANYTHING for a green card ? What are they ? Anything ??? That slave mentality of your friends, they want you to live in a marriage you dont want for a green card ? Wow
You did the right thing , you can find many other potentials abroad
But you should be talking to the person, nothing wrong in talking , you need to know the person , if physically and other things u find them ok , then proceed to talking to know the person , nothing wrong with this
For the visa fraud , depends on you, if he causes you and your family further reputation harm in any way , you may do so ? If not now, after one or two years, so he would not suspect ?
Even you are having stupid friends that say to do marriage fraud with him inorder go get the green card, which is far more worse MORALLY than doing visa fraud in my opinion
Hey you did the right thing. GC is not everything, life in the U.S has its own challenges that the grass is greener crowd would not understand at all.
I think you should celebrate this and have a blast. Don't be ashamed at all. Many overseas Pakistanis are more conservative than Pakistanis since they have been discriminated/labelled their entire life, so as a trauma response they often become more radicalised and start making religious fundamentalism a part of their identity. Often taking on more strict interpretations of religion.
Goodluck for the future, enjoy your release from captivity.
I would 100% tell you to report him. Not sure if there’s a US embassy in Pakistan, but email them and explain the scenario. They’ll setup an appointment with an immigration officer. You’ll have to take all your evidences with you. They’ll take it from there, and do an investigation on the immigration fraud. You’re amazing and have so much potential. Best of luck for your successes.
Leaving aside all the societal toxicity that comes after a divorce especially in Pakistan. I think this was a good decision and you should be relieved. This was the beginning of the long downhill slope if you chose to continue and you dodged it.
Focus on yourself, your profession and other things that make you happy. Life's gonna be great, trust me..
You made the right decision. I would suggest you to get a job in Germany instead of going through study route. You can also apply and find a full time job once you reach there based on your previous degree.
God. You dodged an atom bomb. That was such a smart move. I just wanna say May Allah bless you with success in your career and life. Pray shukrana. Don't think it was an opportunity and you didn't avail it. The immigration fraud part was another red herring. Glad to see your family has changed their mindset (Also, please drop your friends. A card is worth nothing if the rest of your situation is in shambles).
You did great. Life in usa is not as rosy as it looks in movies and coming into abusive marriage just for greencard would have made you suicidal. You made the best decision of your life. Keep looking at better options and there are many progressive men in America who would happily marry you and support your career. You sound like a good human being.
you literally doged a bullet. what a piece of shit. i'm so glad you pulled away. take all the time you need before you feel ready to have a partner. traditional marriages suck, especially in today's time. it's not the 90s anymore, and that is something not all families understand. i hope you heal and grow more ^-^
bruh what a tool the dude is, i mean, i live and die for this shaer by jaun elia:
sharm dahshat jhijhak pareshānī
naaz se kaam kyuuñ nahīñ letīñ
aap, woh, ji, magar, ye sab kyā hai
tum mirā naam kyuuñ nahīñ letī!?
Dodged a bullet there, so congratulations on that. Bohat acha decision liya aap ne. Apni self respect se barh ke kuch nahi houta. People who are calling you idiots, let them. They’re foolish and small minded people who think green card is going to fix everything.
You took a big decision, and strong move, for your own sanity. That is something that will act as a building block throughout your future life. Is ke baad ab har decision asaan lagey ga, kyun ke you will realize ke Allah sachi mai Maalik hai. Had you compromised abhi, green card toh mil jaata, but then life mai unconsciously you’d have started looking the benefits and gains from your compromise. And then woh ek pattern ban jaata. And voila, you’d have been the person you are dreading in your post.
Regarding the fraud thing you mentioned, let it go. Get rid of the guy forever. Log crazy houte hain. Esa na hou ke badla lene ke chakkar mai ap ke peeche hi parr jaye.
Finally, you got this. You’ve written yourself ke you’ve managed to make a name for yourself despite all the traditional hurdles, and ye saari hurdles bhi cross hou jayien gi InShaAllah. And jab ye hurdles cross hongi and when you are finally in EU/US, you’d be here on your own merit. And nothing would beat the sense of accomplishment you feel in that moment.
So I say again, congratulations on your dodging this bullet.
Keep green card as your first priority. If you have not filed for Khula already, stop it. Getting a green card is the most difficult and rewarding thing you can ever do for yourself, your family and your children. I agree with your friends here. Once you get it, dump this asshole anytime
I just need some help accepting that what I did was the right thing to do.
I think this speaks alot that his US citizenship played a major role in you accepting his proposal, and you are still overthinking about missed opportunity. Also, apparently your family has issues talking to guy before nikkah to better understand each other but have no issues about you settling in europe independently. Marrying OSPs and thinking of them just as an opportunity is more like playing stupid games, win stupid prizes.
Absolutely brilliant decision, fuck that asshole of a guy.💯
Atleast be friends with ur patner man ffs. Talk bout eachother intrests. These type of guys dont end there generational trauma there parents had and they try to continue it like how their mom's got treated.
How are they even your friends when they care more about a puny green card than your well being? You're a strong woman, you made an excellent choice by discarding that sorry excuse of a man. You can do it on your own Inshallah. You're working towards it aren't you? Inshallah your efforts wont be wasted and Allah will definitely reward you. I hope you find a man who sees your actual worth, best of luck to your future.
Your first problem was marrying someone you don’t know which is unacceptable in Islam. Next, stand up to your parents who forcibly married you off to a stranger (to you)
I wont comment on your future plans but this is what I can tell you about marriage for immigration: There nothing more important than to have an understanding peaceful home to go to. As an immigrant to any country, you will be cut off from friends and family you grew up with. If your spouse is a jerk and cant give you a home live in love and peace, all this green/yellow/red card is for no use. Contrary to what people think, it is extremely difficult to escape an abusive marriage without having pricey lawyers to back you in the US, otherwise your significant other could have charged you with immigration fraud, and put you to even deeper trouble. I applaud your decision to end things before it got too messy. As for your friends who says that they would do anything to get a green card, based on what I read on your post, you're reasonably talented person to make your way to the US without a family sponsorship. You work in the tech sector, which is big start to a long life career. Work hard, network smartly, eventually with right determination, you may find your way to the US on your own if Allah wills. All the best, and I hope you have better days ahead
100% agree. Do not jeopardize your life over a green card. Also, check out Souls Sister USA on Facebook. You will find every other post is from an immigrant wife who wants to leave her US citizen abusive husband. It's really horrifying. You did the right thing. Never doubt your gut feelings
Agree; god has offered an opportunity to escape a difficult situation by revealing all of this before the rukhsati/emigration
Also a green card isn't the end all be all people think. Pakistanis underestimate how ridiculously hard it is to live in the US especially today and there's really not many benefits to all that hard work
Dodged a bullet
Removed a bullet
Successful extraction
Dodged a Nuke
Disarmed the nuke
It's more like a nuke.
Lol
More like dodged a missile
You did a really smart thing of getting out from the mess before rukhsati. All your genius friends aren’t your real friends imo cuz the first thing he would’ve done was put a baby in you and boom, stuck for life with so many strings attached now. I pray you have a great and successful life ahead, best of luck.
The baby part is true. So quick to baby trap you only to abuse you later on.
Proud of you, babe. Ignore your friends, you don't need random dudes for a green card, Allah is enough.
I can give you a list of horror stories of young girls who have moved to western countries through marriage to abusive spouses. Your friends don’t know anything, really they think it would have been easy to move to America then get divorced? Do you really think he’d have filed paperwork for you at all? His mum needed an unpaid servant so he was demanding you move to her house, he’d have visited occasionally (he’s probably got a girlfriend in America), you’d have been pregnant in no time and forced to stop working. Do you have any idea how difficult and expensive it is to get a divorce in America (if you’d made it to America even)? Lawyers cost $$$$ and your soon to be ex wasn’t going to give you access to money by the sounds of things. You had a lucky escape, someone’s Duas/good deeds saved you.
>some of my friends just won't stop talking about what an easy opportunity it was and that people go through so much to get the green card Why don't they offer to get hitched to him? See how they like being treated with such disrespect. Smeesh... it's a green card, not a passport to Jannah. Good on you for having standards and enforcing boundaries, the bar seems to be in hell for some people.
You did great, find someone with a little more developed brain this time.
Girl you did the best you could. Tell your friends to go marry him. You could have died before getting a green card.
Know of a quite similar situation with one of my friends. The guy went on to marry another girl within the very week that khula was finalized. This guy was also using visa application as leverage, not allowing my friend access to her very own visa application, saying he is the husband , thus superior and doesn’t like giving ‘control’ to wife. Blackmailing my friend’s family for rukhsati, saying no he wont take her to US , and will ‘check’ her first by living here with her. Both him and his mother had similar daqyanoosi expectations of my friend. Good fucking riddance. Fuck these people honestly. OP You are far better off getting rid of him. You seem like a very ambitious and honest person and you will make your own way in life. You dont need to carry around this dead weight for some green card. And as for your friends, get better friends! Aur Allah unhen hidayat de
Wow, this sounds so similar to what happened to me. I wish we had some forum where we could expose such OSPs and warn other Pakistanis of marrying them because often times when it comes to OSPs, it's hard perform the required checks.
There is a visa in America for brides brought to America and abused.
What's written for you is written by the best of writers. If you have rizq in US, you'll be here, with or without the idiot you dodged. Focus on the present and may it be easy for you!
Oh another day another hypocrite OSP himself enjoying life in US but wants a naukrani as a wife
There are many women in Pakistan who are conservative, share the mindset of being housewives. Yet these men keep going for women who are the exact opposite.
> The way my mother always explained it, the traditional man wants a woman to be subservient, but he never falls in love with subservient women. He's attracted to independent women. "He's like an exotic bird collector," she said. "He only wants a woman who is free because his dream is to put her in a cage. Trevor Noah, Born a Crime: Stories From a South African Childhood
Do these men “love” these independent women? I don’t think applies at all to our culture even though it’s a very well worded idea. Men living abroad want women that they can brag about at work ( that she’s educated etc) I guess and still get a maid at home.
Houswives? More like slavery
I know right! If he is so conservative and hate feminist women etc then he should not be living in a country that's full of that. Such a hypocrite bunch
Someone do a TLDR please
1. **Background**: The user had an arranged nikah with a US citizen from a traditional family, but they are progressive-minded and faced significant personality clashes and stress. 2. **Relationship Issues**: The husband was regressive, expected to be treated like a God, imposed absurd rules, and used immigration paperwork as blackmail. He was abusive, belittling, and controlling. 3. **Decision for Khula**: After a year of trying to make it work, the user filed for khula. Initially, their family opposed but later supported this decision, recognizing the husband's abusive nature. 4. **Friends' Opinions**: Some friends criticized the user for missing an opportunity to get a green card, suggesting they should have stayed for a couple of years to obtain it and then left. 5. **Moral Dilemma**: The user struggled with whether they made the right choice, given their financial and social situation. They also considered reporting the husband and his father for immigration fraud but decided against it to move on. 6. **Future Plans**: The user is applying for a master's degree in Europe and plans to take out a loan if necessary. They are looking for reassurance that they made the right decision. 7. **Support System**: The user's family is supportive of their plan to move to Europe, despite the challenges ahead.
Jazak Allah Khair
Upvote for you mate.
This was written by chatgpt lol
No shit, why would I write it myself?
I am married to a US citizen, so I think I can answer your question. I got the rishta of my husband when I was only 22 years old; back in 2018. While I never wanted to move abroad, my family found the guy very charming and obedient, that he is. Also, this rishta was sent by our dur k relatives. First I did all the rona dhona that I want to study further and not wanna get married ( I'm from karachi and I would say I'm not rich but def priviliged). Then my family started to brag about the guy in front of me, his education, his job etc, they made me talk to my mother in law and she was extremely sweet to me, so I also became interested in this rishta. I found my mother in law very progressive, It really impressed me. So eventually I said yes. Fast forward, when I went to USA after my rukhsati and visa processing, In the first 5 days I knew I made a mistake. That lovey dovey mother in law showed her true colors. She made me do house chores and told everyone in the family that I do nothing. She abused me and my parents and then call her relatives and tell them I am abusive. She told me I can't sit on the dining table and eat dinner with everyone. I used to have my lunch/dinner in my room ALONE. I missed my family terribly. I got pregnant in 2021 and miscarried my baby becuase I was under constant stress and while I was still bleeding she made me leave the house. I was devastated. I had no where to go. My husband? He's a BIG time mama's boy so he remained silent. You have literally dodged a bullet, these pardesi people marry girls in Pakistan so they can humiliate them every single day and they know that these girls won't have any mayka or friends in USA to go and seek help. So they abuse these girls khullam khulla. It is easy to say that you could get divorce after a green card etc but what if you became pregnant right away? Its not easy to leave your husband's house in a country where no one is yours. You're new there and don't know many things. It's good that you left that toxic person. I'm so proud of you.
MOM Boy + siko boy is a red signal , trust me. I am happy for you . 😊 bohat acha keya ya abi asa tha tu ruksati ky baad keya karta.
Most Overseas Pakistanis are more conservative than we think they are especially 1st nd 2nd Gen, he was clearly more than usual. toxic Bec he thinks it is easy for him to get any girl. Although there are few things you may have compromised on like Job if the guy was good & respectful, but he clearly had a bucket full of wrongs going on.. so it seems You have dodged a bullet. Tell your friends sleeping with a person for 2 years who you don’t like and is abusive is not worth it.. or worth the paper work at least. Bec green card is not millions of dollars, it’s just a permit to live and the journey/ struggle starts from there with its own challenges. Plus if you had gotten pregnant then separation would be a lot more messy. Try for Germany or find a decent bloke here.. forget the past.. believe me living in less is far better than living in stress !! Especially abroad where you have minimal support system ( no frnds family). P.S In every relationship compromises are required Bec both individuals adjust accordingly. But abuse, insult and bullying are the things you shouldn’t be compromising on as they will grow bigger with time.
Numerous overseas Pakistanis think that they can get any girl. All those that I have encountered (friends, relatives, potential rishtas) seem to think that their new passport or residency gives them some sort of an immunity to be a jerk to other people when it’s time to settle down.
As a religious Muslim I absolutely despise people like this. It’s not like I don’t think western Muslims and Eastern Muslims should marry (I’d be single if that were the case, I am a western Muslim after all). But I feel like there are too many passport bro type guys out there who fully intend on getting some village girl who doesn’t know her rights so they can walk all over them while hanging the green card over their head. I’ll probably get downvoted for this, but who cares? I think you SHOULD report them for their own visa fraud. People like this are the reason Pakistan’s passport is so weak and why I can’t even get my wife a visa. Definitely go to USCIS if you have evidence they committed visa fraud. They don’t play around with this at all in the US and it’ll end up getting him banned from the rest of the anglosphere considering they share records. If not for you, then for the legitimate families waiting years just to be refused and kept apart. People like that are exactly the reason for this, they deserve to be punished for it. Idc how many people I offend saying this. It’s not fair to the legitimate immigrants for people like this to cut the line through fraud.
I understand what you mean and it makes me angry too that they can get away with it. Also I am worried about the next girl he's gonna marry and put through this. My only concern is that, I am sure he's gonna figure out I reported him and then him and his family could come after me and my family here and I wouldn't wanna put my family in danger.
Try reporting it as an anonymous party or ask them to keep your identity a secret. If they comply, I doubt he can get information out of them.
I'm sure they will comply but I am sure he's gonna figure it out. And once he does, he will go to any lengths to take revenge, that's how he is.
In that case, if you still did want to report it, wait till you’re in Europe (really good if you go to the UK since they share records so he couldn’t enter the UK). But don’t put your life at risk if you fear this. Your life and safety matters more than anything else. I hope that Allah rewards you for your suffering and that he blesses you with the best husband out there Ameen.
Even if I move to Europe, my family will still be in Pakistan so I have to be careful and maybe when I will report him, I could talk to USCIS about this concern of mine and see if they have any suggestions to keep my family protected.
I know the US feds do run witness protection programs though idk how hard they’d pursue this unless he and his dad were involved in criminal activity like drugs or terrorism. They definitely have stripped citizenship in the past before though and they will do it over fraud. You can get away with a lot and keep US citizenship but if the original citizenship was granted because of fraudulent grounds then they’d absolutely strip them of it and deport them. I believe anonymous tips work and they’d play it off like they just found inconsistencies in their visas and background information. That being said, I wouldn’t think less of you if you decided to play safe. You sound like a decent and levelheaded person so InshaAllah this will pass and you’ll probably only remember it occasionally. May Allah make things easy for you and may he keep you and your family safe from any kind of harm whether it be from visa fraudster and co or anyone bad Ameen.
You’re lucky.. you just saved your life. Things have a way of working out if you surrender to the good of the universe. Wishing you all best. Meanwhile just food for thought: often the diaspora is wayyy conservative than their home countries of origin.
You're a queen for doing this. Girls don't need guys in their lives to be happy and especially such toxic men with mindset straight from the 60s. (maybe try using paragraphs and ignore the dms from horny men in this sub)💙💚💛
Yes I realized I should have used paragraphs. Writing isn't one of my strong suits. And thank you ❤️
You did the right thing!!! I was in a similar boat a couple of years back. The guy marketed himself as a super religious person living in Australia. would send me religious books to read. But once told me he hasn’t prayed in a year. He would ask me to call his mother and kept telling me I need to work at all costs when I move with him. I found it very weird. I had been working but despite being middle class my father never forced me to. He also demanded nikah on Skype without formal ruksati and walima because according to him he has already spent a lot of money coming here to arrange Rishta and all. His family was also weird. They are would bitch about each other with me all the time 😂. I was 20 he was 32 🥴 I called off the engagement once I graduated. He would also tell me women are dying to marry him. But when I broke off the engagement he lost his mind. He asked my best friend to tell me to unblock him. He would make WhatsApp groups trying to talk and begging me to come back. Ugh I hate that time. Anyways, I married my best friend. Best decision ever!! I can’t even imagine what would have happened if I had chosen to stay in that relationship. I’m happy that I made the choice I made at a young age and didn’t let anyone guilt or force me into it.
Your family is okay with you taking a divorce, moving abroad and having progressive thinking but not with getting to know the guy youre getting MARRIED to?
They have changed a lot this last year. They realized they made a mistake and they have become more flexible now. My dad even said I can tell him if I wanna marry some guy but I don't wanna jump into another marriage now and want to focus on moving to Europe first.
Europe isn't the same as before, unfortunately, most of the countries economy are fucked
You did the right thing. I wish you the best. I hope life is easy for you in Europe, and that you meet a kind and caring person. If your university offers mental health services, take advantage.
Overseas are often looking for a free housemaid and bachaa-producing factory. You dodged a bullet.
A small population who marry wrong, make it known... While the other happy bulk has no reason to market their happiness. So, just because the states you observe are skewed, you can't not logically make your claim. If you marry into an uneducated mess overseas or local, don't expect anything less. OSP is still a Pakistani. No card or passport changes that...
Dont generalize. Not everyone is the same... there are successful marriages as well. You are just more likely to hear about the unsuccessful ones.
I have a question, what guarantee do you have that he will take you to USA considering his mother live in Pakistan? instead he will ask you to stay with his mother and take care of her and do whatever she asked you to do.
The thing is if the boy wanted to marry someone who can be a housewife, well there all million girls wanting to become one. The problem arise while choosing a partner coz in start everything seems great and no one really asks the real questions. Had they been asked you would have been spared of this mental frenzy and he could have chosen someone better suited for him… million cases of similar nature.
TLDR please? Can't read without paragraphs.
I think you totally made the right decision, and I am most glad to hear your family was supportive of your decision. No one should have to put up with a relationship that isn’t working for the sake of living abroad, your mental health and wellbeing is much more important than that, and it seems you have a very bright future ahead inshallah
You did good I think we should come out of the delusion that things would change after marriage most of the times girls and sometimes even boys make this mistake of moving forward with the marriage that things will change after the wedding but no it doesn't happen choose your spouse carefully your viewpoints should align with each other and second thing change your friends and company please a true friend would never say this shit that they would do anything for a green card meanwhile the person is going through a very rough path. Your family support's you and you're ambitious just don't care about other's.Be thankful to ALLAH that things got clear for you before the marriage just think about it what would have happened later on and yes bad karma does exist you doing bad to someone because the other person was worst to you doesn't makes you a saint apk apne gunah hain usk apne you both will separately answer the afterlife. Last thing I don't know why overseas Pakistani are so regressive and backwards.
Things are not very rosy when it comes to Overseas Pakistanis. Some of them are toxic and psychopaths. You see, the parents bringing their 70s, 80s culture into foreign lands and refusing to integrate with their host country. While the origin country dynamics continue to improve. This is very much prevalent in British Pakistanis. So tread very carefully when it comes to proposals from overseas Pakistanis.
A small loving circle in a shit country is better than shitty strangers in a first world country, hun. You didn't make a mistake. He tormented your self respect that's why you're doubting yourself. And trust me a green card isn't worth dealing with a pig of a man. You stood up for yourself and there's nothing more admirable than that. More success to you
It’s very easy to lecture others and your friends are doing this. Ask your friends to marry him as that insecure man is looking for a “simpler” woman who can follow him around like a dog and as they have already said to you that “they would do anything for a green card”. Seems like a match made in heaven to me.
Most of these ABCDs aren’t looking for a wife, they’re looking for a maid.
Early signs of toxic relationship, things generally do not improve. People don't change (most people) We all have to make the best decisions we can. What's right for one may not be right for another. As long as you know you are the one who chose this, you will be much happier rather being at someone else mercy.
You are a strong woman who made the right decision. His man is not only the type that uses religion for their gain but is more than happy to be abusive towards you. As for the fraud thing, yeah people like him are the reason why good people can't even study in other countries. Good thing you got out of it because sooner or later, they will be found out. Also, I am happy that your family is supportive. I have seen people change when they see their child going through a situation like this, so it is great that they are working with you on this. The thing that scared me was the other women telling me to be okay with abuse just to get that green card. I don't think Pakistan is so bad that anyone should be basically moving in with a person who might as well abuse them. Like the horrible mentality, they must have. Does everyone think that America is just a bed of roses and nothing can go wrong there? A family member of mine had the same restrictions, with the couple not being able to talk to each other before Rukhsati. The first few months of marriage were just constant fighting. The problem for me was that people found that okay. A lot of people forget that marriage is like a Partnership and you have to be equal in it. The last thing, I read you were looking for cheap universities and degrees. My recommendation (as I give to so many people) go to Belgium. They have a 1-year degree, and the fee for that year would be around 3-4k euros (for most degrees). Easy to get in and their blocked account is cheaper (around 45 lakh I think). They have pretty good Unis like Ku Leuven and Ughent. Better than Italians IMO. That is my backup country if nothing pans out in the US. France isn't really cheap. Germany is good but the visa process is a mess.
People literally think money grows on trees in the US. Like you go there and they offer you keys to a massive house on arrival and then you ride into the sunset in your brand new Tesla. If anything out of all the Western nations USA is the hardest to crack. There’s no governmental support or welfare system.
Exactly!! They feel just every problem you have be it financial, emotional, mental etc will be fixed. My aunt who is American citizen explained to me. Her kids can't even go to a big uni because it's expensive. I don't want to move to the US myself. I don't care where I end up after my degree, be it Pakistan, usa, or whatever other country I end up in, I want to make sure I get the best education I can get with my merit and resources. I think people need to think like that. That way they can actually excel in the things they do rather than chasing dreams.
You did good I think we should come out of the delusion that things would change after marriage most of the times girls and sometimes even boys make this mistake of moving forward with the marriage that things will change after the wedding but no it doesn't happen choose your spouse carefully your viewpoints should align with each other and second thing change your friends and company please a true friend would never say this shit that they would do anything for a green card meanwhile the person is going through a very rough path. Your family support's you and you're ambitious just don't care about other's.Be thankful to ALLAH that things got clear for you before the marriage just think about it what would have happened later on and yes bad karma does exist you doing bad to someone because the other person was worst to you doesn't makes you a saint apk apne gunah hain usk apne you both will separately answer the afterlife. Last thing I don't know why overseas Pakistani are so regressive and backwards.
Happy for you ! Go enjoy yourself a little maybe a treat !
You did the right thing. And if I were you I would snitch on him to the immigration people and pray for any girl who marries him cuz eww 🤮
Your friends would prefer living with an aH their entire life, have kids with him, leave everything you dreamed of in your life, just for a green card? You're better than that
Don't even feel any remorse for not going ahead with a toxic relationship. You have saved yourself. This would have ended in you being battered and compromised in the long run (especially once you have had children). Those of your friends saying that they would do anything to get a green card, tell them that they are welcome to marry him.
I appreciate you for the decision you made about your life. Self-respect is over money, green card or anything. If you are doing well here then look for someone here who respects and doesn't want to mould you as per his whims. I know it is too hard to find like-minded people which I am struggling too but in the end it's worth it. Good luck for your future, you really dodged a bullet.
Men like that only marry women from back home to be able to control them. There’s a reason he couldn’t find a woman overseas. As someone who lives and grew up in the west, these men who use immigration/religion to justify their bad behaviour and terrible personality marry back home because they couldn’t find anyone to put up with their nonsense in the west and they think they have an advantage over people back home. They think they are in the west so they are automatically a 10/10 to anyone still back home when in reality they are a -10/10 to anyone no matter the location. Men do whatever they want and then ‘settle’ for a good obedient woman back home - I’m not surprised most of them are mummy’s boys. Your self respect and your peace are not worth a visa. Something he would just use against you anyway. Your rizq is your rizq, no matter what happens Allah SWT will give you whatever is written for you. No one in this world could ever remove something from you that is in your qadr. You didn’t waste an opportunity that Allah gave you, Allah showed you this man’s true self and gave you the blessing of leaving.
What kind of “opportunity” would It have been if he kept you in an abusive, subservient prison? That is not a real man. That is not a man of god. You’d end up raising his kids to be like him- for your sons to be abusive and your daughter to accept abuse. Not to mention the amount of honour killings that happen in North America. It’s so tragic. The masters sounds like the ACTUAL opportunity.
YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. I heard the story of a woman who was shot by her ex-husband who was also abusive to her. So the whole you could have left him afterwards sounds to risky. If this is how he is behaving not even with you, think about how he will be you both will start living together. HECK NO. This was not a blessing from Allah. Allah's blessings do not come in ways that they make you lose self respect for yourself. Although this could be a way to test whether you would stand up for yourself. Also find better friends. All your friends sound Trash. If they really want him, let them have him. DO REPORT HIM that will actually help in saving other girls from him. Nothing wrong with punishing people who are up to no good. In Sha Allah you will have a very good life financially and in very other way after him. Ameen. I will pray for you. Stay firm on your decision.
Girl, you made a brave decision and I’m so proud of you 👏🏼❤️
You did not make a mistake. A green card is not worth all kinds of abuse. You're already working in a good company, I am sure you have a bright future ahead of you. Psychopaths like Zannoor Jaffari exist. Moving to a county and putting your well-being in the hands of someone who's already proving himself to be manipulative and twisted is not wise at all.
Someone read all that and give a TL;DR plz.. Reading it too much effort for the usual run of the mill shaadi stories that have flooded this sub. Someone please be the hero and make the sacrifice.
TLDR: She was nikkafied with a man who thinks of him as the most superior being and living in the US Was toxic as hell, will force her to talk to her MIL daily Mother in law would report back to her son about all the things she didnt like lol He would threaten not to process her paperwork if she doesn’t obey Doesn’t like her calling him by name She is from a conservative family so they didn’t talk before getting nikkahfied and now she filed for Khula She works in a renowned tech company and have come very far in her life despite people trying to put her down She is looking to go abroad now for further studies etc etc Oh and she knows him and his father committed immigration fraud with proof and they can lose citizenship but would not report them as she wants to forget and move on Edit: Her friends are opposing her decision and wanted her to pretend for the sake of green card.
Thats the best I could do, there are gonna be some bits I missed
I grew up loving the US and when I was finally of age, people around me and I would joke about how I would do anything for a green card because like you, I come from a middle class family and everything that I have is my own. I have been presented with the opportunity to marry a US citizen TWICE, and I walked away HAPPILY, both times. One was a creep who fell “unconditionally in love” (his words) with me in half a day, while the other wanted me to live with his family in Pakistan for a year after Nikkah as a “trial run”. So, yes. As much as I have always wanted to go to the US, I would not have sold my soul. Even if I could work it out in both these situations, I would choose companionship and respect, as well as someone who thinks we are equals, any day. So, kudos to you for breaking it off. It sounds really toxic and demeaning, I am glad you got out of it. Like you, even I am thinking of pursuing my Master’s in Europe and know how hard it is. Good luck to you!
> (I have a stable job in a well renowned tech company). But the guy didn't like this side of me. Yeah , well they never do.
You did the right thing! So happy to hear that your family supported your decision!! It's true that living conditions aren't ideal in Pakistan, making people take extreme measures just to leave. But that's just absurd. It's like getting out of one hole and stepping into other. So, yes, proud of you and your family for taking a stand! May your future journey be filled with blessings and opportunities. All the best!! :)
You get one heart protect it. You will figure out other things eventually. It’s definitely not end of the road for you.
He seems very toxic and was no were compatible to you. You did the right thing As for friends who don't support you...dump them !
Massive respect to you, you did the right thing! Based on how eloquently you wrote the post, we can clearly see your intelligence level. Never compromise on your values. The guy probably is using his US passport to lure in girls. And for the friends saying you're dumb, tell them to marry him or marry their sister to him. #Respect
I applaud you for your courage and your parents standing behind you. You made the right choice by not getting married to that POS. It would have gotten worse once you moved there and with no support of any kind, your life could have been worse. Instead of thinking of it as a missed opportunity, take it as a blessing in disguise 💚 All the best and reach out if you need to talk 💚
Im really sorry for what u went through hun and i just can fully support ur decision. Believe me ur human self respect and values and pride and peace is worth more than this guy and his papers. If u did what ur friends say u would be his slave 5 years until those papers comes and of course at least 2 kids would come in this time u don't think he would wait 5 years for kids don't be naive..his mindset is more rigid than even someone from most radical places.. u totally deserve someone who gonna treat u equally respect ur feelings choice to work and complete ur studies. I also learned while talking to guys online that free lunch not exist with them... it's so much better to apply studies program and go and with ur own merits earn slowly ur things and status in Europe country. My country is also poor but I have my pride and would never allow someone treat me way he treated u even for golden papers. U done best to ask for divorce. Being around such guy u even risk ur safety. He need some quiet and scared girl from very poor family who won't have other choice than do all as he says as she probably gonna be so weak and without this inner force u have.. he made mistake as he took u for some submissive girl but times are changing i bet u would found in pak more moderate guy than this one.
He and the family sound so exhausting. You did well. I wish you lot's of happiness and love ❤️🌟💪✨
You did the right thing. It's not worth it. He seems to be an abusive nutcase. Things would have become complicated had you moved there and had a child with him. Stick to your roots and build from there.
You, my friend, just dealt with an Incel. It’s horrible and unfair. See, as a child of (Indian) immigrants myself, I’m much more progressive than my dad was when he was my age. I live in America too and the immigrants/immigrant offspring are something of a mixed bag. Most of the time we’re pretty ok but some of us make me ashamed of my roots. If I had to guess, this guy is salty and bitter that he couldn’t get a girlfriend, so he wants a subservient wife instead. Some insurance, if you will. This is a problem plenty of South Asian men (I’ll include myself too, honestly) struggle with, because for the most part no one will date us. Our parents bring us to this place brimming with opportunity, make us citizens, and then, for whatever reason, we just can’t get the relationship that sticks. And then suddenly, we remember that our parents had arranged marriages. Now we don’t have to go through the effort of improving ourselves as people, since we can instead just get a mail-order bride who does whatever we say since we’re American and we hold all the cards, including the green one they so desperately need. I am empathic to this guy’s situation, but I am not sympathetic to his reasoning. You made the right choice running away from all this. You seem like a smart girl - that American or European opportunity is gonna come knocking at some point, and you’ll take it when you’re ready. But for now, just put some distance between you and this.
These types of men only want women from Pakistan because they know finding a good girl is hard in USA. Please don’t marry this person. Nothing matters more than love and respect in a relationship. It outweighs any nationality or green card. I have met some really extremely misogynistic and backward minded Pakistani men in USA. It troubles me that such men exist even today.
"Him and his family chose me because they wanted a traditional and cultural oriented girl from Pakistan. Well, I am nothing like that " Lives ruined on purpose !!!
Dodged a full nuclear missile here, sis. He would never change, if anything he would have made your life a living hell after rukhsati. Let him find an anparh docile servant from a village, cause that is what he wants. Tell your friends to fuck off, that's typical brown inferiority complex that a Green Card is the ultimate reward. Mental and physical safety above all else. Move on with your life. Hopefully this teaches your parents to do more reaearch before finding another man.
Not calling husband by name? What kind of stupid peasant superstition is that?
Really admiring your family rn. They supported you like they should. Many parents isolate themselves from their daughters after marriage considering their own blood as the property of sasural. Kicked that guy in the nuts for not keeping up with his bs. You friends are also gold diggers. You are a really genuine person. Keep it up. Real ppl always find real ppl. So keep being genuine to yourself and you will find an excellent better half. Much prayers.
Yes I feel lucky that my family sided with me but it wasn't easy to convince them. When I first talked to my dad about ending it, he was not supportive at all. I asked him how will I live with someone who is abusive and mentally unstable, he said you'll live with him just like every woman in Pakistan lives with her husband. But once he saw how he was, he convinced me to file for khula. I was initially hesitant and was trying to see if this could work somehow but my dad convinced me that this guy is never gonna change and will only get worse with time. He found me a lawyer and even read the the whole case file to me that the lawyer had prepared because I couldn't read it since it was very difficult Urdu. So yes, my dad supported a lot.
Well, thats a good thing. I really hope you find someone equally genuine as you. By your story you sound like a really sweet and genuine person tbh. Good luck!
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I don't get how some people have the mindset to jeopardize their physical and mental health and convert every thing into an "opportunity" to get into a white country.
Stupid people, stupid problems
So you would marry someone just for the sake of getting a green card? That’s extremely shallow and pathetic. You’re doing well for yourself and if you keep working hard, more doors will open. The Germany plan sounds great. However, you should have some moral values at least.
You obviously don't know what's it like being a woman in Pakistan. I didn't pick him my family did. I didn't even know he had the citizenship at the time of the marriage, I was only told that he lives in USA.
Good riddance girl, you are saved! You did the right thing. I am 29 (F) & Pakistani men (well atleast some of them) just turn me off completely! Your friends are only looking at a narrow picture. They were not going to be in your place with him. From woman to woman, I am telling you this was actually the best decision of your life.
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It's good you ended things with him
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W
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It's sad isn't it? How we think OSPs are like very progressive and cultured people? But in reality quite a big chunk are egotistical, and in a way, the worst of us... I think you are making the right decision. Keep your principles stong, do what you believe in. A green card is not worth a lifetime of misery. Even if you go with the intention of splitting he will always have that over your head, and no matter how despicable of a person he sounds, I would not put even him through a marriage and a divorce. Marriage (to me at least) is about love and not a transaction. Your friends need to understand that you submitting yourself to him like that is not worth any citizenship of the world, how someone like him absolutely will effect you for the worst. No good friend would put another through that. Living in the US has it's own set of challenges which will make you realize the grass isn't always greener on the other side. (This may be subjective). I also like the think that you said God is giving you an opportunity to go but I would frame it as God testing you for your principles of you stand by them. Changes quite a lot, doesn't it? Should you need any help or advice for your masters in Europe, feel free to reach out to me. I've taken that route and will be happy to answer any questions you might have. And lastly, stay strong! I hope there are more strong-willed girls like you in Pakistan who would stand up for themselves. Good luck!
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Good on you. Your friends are idiots. This was not an opportunity. Proud of you for not putting up with whatever that guy thought he was practicing. That is not Islam , it’s just some messed up made up and convenient version which most of us like to practice to suit our needs and desires.
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Change your friends or atleast ignore their stupid and trashy ideas. ye niyat hy unki islye a ni rae USA k rishty
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I can't imagine how mentally and physically exhausting this would have been for you. I'm so sorry you went through all that, but know this, you took the right decision. In fact, I applaud you for taking a stand for yourself and identifying such psychological issues within a year or less. Men like such, who constantly use Islam as a shield for themselves, refusing to even listen to what Islam has to offer to the woman, are more or less HUGE red flags. These are the same men who will brag about having 4 wives, yet will bark at you like a dog when you remind them that they have to treat them all equally. >One of them was that I won't be allowed to call him by his name as he finds it disrespectful when a woman calls her husband by his name. You think you've seen it all and then Pakistani men arise. Smh. One important thing to note here is that the Mother in Law had an already enforced grip on her son and his life. All this extra mingling and complaining about you to him, it's not even a red flag, but a red carpet. I don't know why MILs like to get so involved in their son's married lives; worse are these mama's boys who force you keep such relationship breezy. Anyway, you made the right decision. If your friends are telling you otherwise, I'm sorry but you need to get better and new friends.
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You so dodged a bullet... and also, get new friends please
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You did the best thing. Proud of you. You already know that doing all that just for green card, which by the changing of conditions from his side on the spot, your new order to obey would have been to live in susraal after rukhsati for few years and khidmat the shit out of his mother, ofcourse if you wanted immigration papers. That would have been the next step. It was wrong on so many levels. Don’t listen to people around you, every single person here have put his/her own price on morality and we wonder why this country is becoming a dump.
Allah saved you. He showed you your husband true self and got you out of that shitty situation fast. Congratulations on that. You have morals and you didn't use a shitty person to get a green card. He simply wanted a slave and not a wife. All these things are just abuse and not being strict. He expected you to be dumb and submissive and bend to his wishes. He wanted you to leave your job BC he wanted complete control over you and cut off your financial support. Ik a lot of women in my life who can't leave shitty marriages BC of not being financially independent. Dude was just an abuser. Lol. Europe is hard to settle in but at least it'll be an honest life and you'll be trying yourself. Continue being honest and doing the right thing. And if you want report him but not BC you don't like him but BC it's the right thing to do. Up to you.
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Dodged a bullet. And what's for you will find you. Money or love life.
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First off,you need to get new friends if this is what they are telling you. God, they should be the ones to support you as u made such a big abd difficult decision. I am so happy and proud of you. And why u do u even need their validation when you’ve your family’s support. C’mon,You’re so much stronger than that. I can see you being so much successful in life, in sha Allah. What would u have done with that green card, had he destroyed you and your mental health after the rukhsati and who knows by then u must have been pregnant and be with kids and it would have been so difficult to get out of that toxic relationship. And its not that easy to be there in the USA without family and friends with such a toxic person. Sorry to say but your friends are being idiots for telling u that u missed an opportunity. You didn’t miss any opportunity,rather u opened doors for so many to come your way. What’s written for you, will be yours, no matter how. You are so lucky that you have your family’s support and you should be proud of yourself for making this decision. And i am so happy that you’re applying in Europe and doing everything on your own. Best wishes and Lots of prayers for you ahead!
Good for you!
I don't usually comment on posts like this, but an exception I'll tell you, you did the right thing. Your friends may be wrong because they were not in your shoes. There were red flags all along and I'm glad you chose your career over this filthy man.
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Well done, divorce is not the end of the world. Gald you got out.
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You’re lucky to have parents who understood the situation before it’s too late and that you don’t have kids yet. You shouldn’t have any doubts on your decision. US will become a hell for you if you go there knowing the kind of person he is. You will find someone better eventually.
More power to you, what the actual fuck
Someone I know is married to an OSP. She’s an engineer from one of Pakistans best university. Her family is well off and educated. She was married to a guy overseas who no doubt has an excellent job and is well off. They live in a big house and have a massive car in one of the worlds best cities. But I’ve never seen a more miserable looking person. He doesn’t hit her or cheat on her. But he is extremely controlling. He didn’t let her have a phone for many years, doesn’t allow her to make friends even with other Pakistani women, doesn’t give her or their kids any money. He spends it all on his siblings and extended family. His kid got sick and instead of taking her to a private physician he instead let her languish in the public system. He has money but wouldn’t spend it so that his kid got her surgery early. His family is very typical. When his wife got pregnant they subtly insinuated that the first born better be a son or else. Money, green card, passport pales in comparison to true love and respect. Agar kismat me hoga to mil jayega.
Fall in love after marrying, that’s what arranged marriage is to me.
I'm glad you got out
I might be wrong but if you had gone to a US based NGO which helps women gain their rights not only would've they helped you but they would've also protected you and opened a path for you to get the green card Rest assured a green card ain't worth the PTSD type stuff one can have for the rest of his life and I hope you find a better life in Europe
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Was a very good decision not to force anything regardless where you want to go. Masters in Germany/Europe sounds like a good plan. Do yourself a favour an learn the local language. Regardless of many guys speqking english, it helps later to find a better job more easily.
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I’m so proud of you for standing up for yourself. And what you did is exactly right. Forget that green card— your happiness and satisfaction matters more than that. I wish more women had the courage that you had to be able to stand up for themselves!
If you are going to write so much text, please break it down into smaller paragraphs. I wanted to read but everything in two paragraphs makes it very taxing.
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A mommy boy, and a red flag at that. You dodged a bullet. What you did most of the girls get oppressed not to do. It's great that your parents support you. As for your friends, those haven't been out in your shoes so they wouldn't know. Simply ignore such "friends"
You did absolutely right. No Green card can compare to a happy life.
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A very sensible decision. You should feel proud that you have saved yourself from a life of drudgery and depression.
And if your friends find this as an ‘easy’ opportunity, maybe give them the number of the guy’s family. Let them check it out for themselves. :) It infuriates me when friends act like turdwads.
First thing first even after a year of nikkah he hasn't applied for paper work. That is red flag ..3-4 months are good enough to compile documents and submit them. Secondly you legit dodge a bullet and I'm happy ur family understood this form of mental abuse.
All you need is your family and may be a close friend or two to support you in your life decisions. Rest, you don't need to worry about them. All the best with whatever you decide to do. I hope you get into the Master's program.
For one- you got dumb children as friends, treat them as such.
"talking before the nikah wasn't an option", that's one of the problems, in this day and age you need to know and cannot go in blind. I have respect for you at not listening to your friends regarding the green card as that would almost put you in his bracket.
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What type of stupid idiot friends do you have ? Do ANYTHING for a green card ? What are they ? Anything ??? That slave mentality of your friends, they want you to live in a marriage you dont want for a green card ? Wow You did the right thing , you can find many other potentials abroad But you should be talking to the person, nothing wrong in talking , you need to know the person , if physically and other things u find them ok , then proceed to talking to know the person , nothing wrong with this For the visa fraud , depends on you, if he causes you and your family further reputation harm in any way , you may do so ? If not now, after one or two years, so he would not suspect ? Even you are having stupid friends that say to do marriage fraud with him inorder go get the green card, which is far more worse MORALLY than doing visa fraud in my opinion
Hey you did the right thing. GC is not everything, life in the U.S has its own challenges that the grass is greener crowd would not understand at all. I think you should celebrate this and have a blast. Don't be ashamed at all. Many overseas Pakistanis are more conservative than Pakistanis since they have been discriminated/labelled their entire life, so as a trauma response they often become more radicalised and start making religious fundamentalism a part of their identity. Often taking on more strict interpretations of religion. Goodluck for the future, enjoy your release from captivity.
I would 100% tell you to report him. Not sure if there’s a US embassy in Pakistan, but email them and explain the scenario. They’ll setup an appointment with an immigration officer. You’ll have to take all your evidences with you. They’ll take it from there, and do an investigation on the immigration fraud. You’re amazing and have so much potential. Best of luck for your successes.
Leaving aside all the societal toxicity that comes after a divorce especially in Pakistan. I think this was a good decision and you should be relieved. This was the beginning of the long downhill slope if you chose to continue and you dodged it. Focus on yourself, your profession and other things that make you happy. Life's gonna be great, trust me..
You made the right decision. I would suggest you to get a job in Germany instead of going through study route. You can also apply and find a full time job once you reach there based on your previous degree.
God. You dodged an atom bomb. That was such a smart move. I just wanna say May Allah bless you with success in your career and life. Pray shukrana. Don't think it was an opportunity and you didn't avail it. The immigration fraud part was another red herring. Glad to see your family has changed their mindset (Also, please drop your friends. A card is worth nothing if the rest of your situation is in shambles).
We really need to stop putting green card on such a high pedestal
You did great. Life in usa is not as rosy as it looks in movies and coming into abusive marriage just for greencard would have made you suicidal. You made the best decision of your life. Keep looking at better options and there are many progressive men in America who would happily marry you and support your career. You sound like a good human being.
you literally doged a bullet. what a piece of shit. i'm so glad you pulled away. take all the time you need before you feel ready to have a partner. traditional marriages suck, especially in today's time. it's not the 90s anymore, and that is something not all families understand. i hope you heal and grow more ^-^
The man was toxic but your friends are also red flags
Tell your friends that they can happily take your place.
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bruh what a tool the dude is, i mean, i live and die for this shaer by jaun elia: sharm dahshat jhijhak pareshānī naaz se kaam kyuuñ nahīñ letīñ aap, woh, ji, magar, ye sab kyā hai tum mirā naam kyuuñ nahīñ letī!?
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NRIs looking for rishtas in pakistan is always redflag unless proved otherwise 😂 only defective pieces look for rishtas in pakistan.
Dodged a bullet there, so congratulations on that. Bohat acha decision liya aap ne. Apni self respect se barh ke kuch nahi houta. People who are calling you idiots, let them. They’re foolish and small minded people who think green card is going to fix everything. You took a big decision, and strong move, for your own sanity. That is something that will act as a building block throughout your future life. Is ke baad ab har decision asaan lagey ga, kyun ke you will realize ke Allah sachi mai Maalik hai. Had you compromised abhi, green card toh mil jaata, but then life mai unconsciously you’d have started looking the benefits and gains from your compromise. And then woh ek pattern ban jaata. And voila, you’d have been the person you are dreading in your post. Regarding the fraud thing you mentioned, let it go. Get rid of the guy forever. Log crazy houte hain. Esa na hou ke badla lene ke chakkar mai ap ke peeche hi parr jaye. Finally, you got this. You’ve written yourself ke you’ve managed to make a name for yourself despite all the traditional hurdles, and ye saari hurdles bhi cross hou jayien gi InShaAllah. And jab ye hurdles cross hongi and when you are finally in EU/US, you’d be here on your own merit. And nothing would beat the sense of accomplishment you feel in that moment. So I say again, congratulations on your dodging this bullet.
Honey you dodged a nuke. Post on soul sisters on Facebook. You’ll definitely get help there.
Keep green card as your first priority. If you have not filed for Khula already, stop it. Getting a green card is the most difficult and rewarding thing you can ever do for yourself, your family and your children. I agree with your friends here. Once you get it, dump this asshole anytime
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I just need some help accepting that what I did was the right thing to do. I think this speaks alot that his US citizenship played a major role in you accepting his proposal, and you are still overthinking about missed opportunity. Also, apparently your family has issues talking to guy before nikkah to better understand each other but have no issues about you settling in europe independently. Marrying OSPs and thinking of them just as an opportunity is more like playing stupid games, win stupid prizes.
Absolutely brilliant decision, fuck that asshole of a guy.💯 Atleast be friends with ur patner man ffs. Talk bout eachother intrests. These type of guys dont end there generational trauma there parents had and they try to continue it like how their mom's got treated.
How are they even your friends when they care more about a puny green card than your well being? You're a strong woman, you made an excellent choice by discarding that sorry excuse of a man. You can do it on your own Inshallah. You're working towards it aren't you? Inshallah your efforts wont be wasted and Allah will definitely reward you. I hope you find a man who sees your actual worth, best of luck to your future.
Your first problem was marrying someone you don’t know which is unacceptable in Islam. Next, stand up to your parents who forcibly married you off to a stranger (to you)