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3 things to ask yourself before you tell someone something.
Is it true?
Is it necessary?
Is it kind?
The last one implies there are better ways than others to approach sensitive topics.
I mean there is a time and a place
It’s best to discuss sensitive topics in a quiet place, away from noise and distractions and also take time to think HOW you will rais the topic so that you don’t cause unnecessary hurt.
But I agree with your basic premise yea
Anything? Anytime?
"I want to fart on your Mom."
"That girl over there is so much hotter than you."
Maybe re-think your philosophy. It seems kind of selfish and basically is an excuse to do or say whatever you want.
Deciding to be with each other in marriage definitely is not about Anything. Anytime. Anywhere. Some things are simply inappropriate. And that's fine.
Run around saying hurtful things to somebody and they will end up being hurt. And you shouldn't want that to happen especially to somebody you care about...which is why you don't say them.
Wanting to be there for each other and wanting to make each other stronger. That's a lot.
Ass, not an ass, you can absolutely say it. But you don't get to be surprised when they say right back "Got it. Now if you'll pardon me while I pack my things."
If you're well within your rights to be incapable of adjusting what you're attracted to as you age, your spouse is well within their rights to not be attracted to a person of such low capability for adapting to change.
I never said they weren't. I'm not going to blame someone for not being attracted to someone after they change from how they were originally where (because no one has to adjust what they like to please someone else), just like I wouldn't blame the person for leaving after being told so. my point here is don't be an ass about it not don't expect them not to leave.
if you're not an asshole person you can find a way to tell them without being an ass. there is nothing wrong with telling someone they gained weight and how you feel about it, there are things wrong with how you go about it
Some of you people just need to actually speak to your partners instead of coming on Reddit and making passive aggressive posts about the problems in your relationship.
You can, you just need to do so from an extremely supportive and positive place. You also do not have the right to expect that they change for you once they have received your feedback.
I have an uncle who, years into his marriage, got into shape by watching his diet and walking/being more active. His wife, on the other hand, had gained a lot of weight and wouldn’t do anything with him. They eventually divorced, and he said that it was because she never did anything with him. She’d stay at home while he was off walking and being active.
If my wife had gained a lot of weight, it would be a real strain on the relationship. Not just because of a reduction in attraction, but because of what it says about her personality. It says she’s not willing to make some changes to stay healthy. It would be really hard because I do stay active and exercise fairly regularly.
I’m not saying you should expect people to stay the same weight forever. I certainly haven’t. But if your spouse gains a lot of weight and doesn’t make any effort to address it, I can understand harming the relationship, and I don’t fault someone from confronting their spouse over it.
[Edit to fix a typo.]
>You also do not have the right to expect that they change for you once they have received your feedback.
This is too individualistic for my taste. Relationships are a push and pull. If your partner comes to you, saying that gradual changes have become a deal breaker, and you spit it back in their face with no attempt to resolve the issue, you can reasonably expect to be dumped if your partner has any amount of self esteem.
So much this. OP is probably a lard ass won't get up to save his life to do jack shit, wife gains 5lbs, honey your fat, not as fat as you asshole...
Side note I don't like calling people lard ass or ugly etc, but there are some, probably OP, who deserves these titles.
You should be able to tell them, and they should be able to accept that, but keep in mind that losing weight isn't always just a matter of willpower, especially after menopause.
It is still a matter of willpower, granted just requiring more. But I'd like to think that a couple who is at the age of going through menopause is at a point where they're okay with small changes in one another.
This is something a lot of people don't realize. Even after menopause or certain health conditions, 99% of the time it still comes down to willpower. It just takes more, sometimes a LOT more, than what they may have previously been doing. I have a close friend. She was very active in life and always very fit. However, after menopause she's gained some weight. She blames it on menopause because she still works out and can't get rid of her little extra body fat, but that's because she's still doing the same amount of work that she put in before menopause. To make up for the slower metabolism, she needs to work out more or differently or may need to change her diet. It can take some experimentation and time to figure out what works best for each person, but it's definitely possible. That isn't considering if the person now has severe physical limitations or no extra free time to put in the extra work of course. Just most people get upset at their weight gain but don't put in the extra amount of work that is needed.
Also, as someone who struggled with this a lot in the past, to anyone else who may be struggling with this, starving yourself is never the answer. It causes your metabolism to slow down even more, your body wont function completely how it's supposed to which can lead to even more health problems, and can cause so much mental health decline. If you think you have an ED, please seek help. There is always a better solution and there are people who can help.
Yeah, it's a harsh reality of life, I knew I'd be downvoted for it, since something like 70% of people are overweight and 40% are obese, it's much easier to say that it's entirely out of our control than to accept that it is very much within our control, just more difficult.
The mentality of so many people thinking that their weight is outside of their control does worry me though, we're in an obesity epidemic that isn't showing any signs of slowing, this sort of attitude is definitely not helping.
It's almost ALWAYS a matter of willpower.
The laws of thermodynamics apply, even after menopause. Ingest fewer calories (energy) than you burn and you WILL lose weight.
Some very rare medical issues make that more difficult, requiring more willpower.
I'm not down playing how difficult the willpower aspect is, I'm pointing out that it's almost entirely a willpower issue.
So you ingest fewer calories and lose weight, but if you're older and especially female with a slow metabolism, reducing your calories that much isn't sustainable, so you regain any weight lost. I didn't believe it, either, until it happened to me! I was one of those "just eat less" people. It's not that simple. It worked when I was 30. It doesn't work now that I'm 60. We all age and should accept these inevitable changes in each other. Should women - or men - also be required to get cosmetic surgery when (not if) they develop wrinkles? I don't think so!
I mean if you only lose weight by eating one lettuce leaf per day, you're gonna get hella hungry and give that up. You have to eat so few calories to NOT gain weight that it's unrealistic. Very few women want to spend the rest of their lives starving just to fit in their old clothes. Some of us just have to accept that we're not 20 anymore and our bodies are bigger now, and that's how it's going to be. Some would even say that's a healthy attitude.
Prefacing by saying that I do not know much about this and I want to understand.
Why can't women after menopause eat the same/more and also exercise more. Isn't it just a caloric numbers game?
It’s actually not. Pounds are more resistant after a certain point, and that point is more pronounced for women in particular as they enter peri menopause. I’m actually in a medically-supervised weight loss…thing. Which includes both normal weight +exercise-type stuff — exercise actually being pretty useless as it pertains to weight — and also hormonal medication.
Both dieting and exercise are useless when it comes to menopausal weight gain. Also intermittent fasting, because plenty of us have tried that, too. It's hormonal (and HRT doesn't magically fix it, either).
That is absolutely false. Sure, your metabolism may slow, meaning you'll burn fewer calories, but if you keep your intake lower than your output you WILL lose weight.
There are no other factors involved in weight loss than (1) calories in vs (2) calories out.
You're suggesting 2 is effected, so you'll need to adjust number 1
Gee; I never thought of exercising! (sarcasm) Some of us are extremely physically active. We still mysteriously pack on the pounds after menopause and can't get rid of it. You'll just have to take our word for it...
The main problem here is that 5-8% weight gain is not a problem at all if you start from a healthy weight.
All women I know gained some kg at menopause, but seriously...the vast vast majority are still a healthy weight. Not even getting into the overweight category.
Now if OP complained about this, they would be an ass. Because so long as it is a healthy weight, it should be fine. But somehow I don't think so. Also I have a feeling they weren't talking about someone 60+yo.
Dense take worded in a way that makes it hard to disagree.
You can already do exactly what you’re describing. The implication is that you should be able to do this like a douche without ending up alone, which is incredibly stupid.
I feel like people use the word attractive so oddly. I love my wife for not just her looks but the way she laughs, the way she rolls her eyes when she’s annoyed, the way she shoves her face in every dogs she meets, and like 1000 other things. You may be with you significant other for the physical attractiveness but I can promise you if my wife looked like a fucking cow on crack I would still love her all the same. I can talk to her about anything and everything but god damn her weight is the last concern of mine.
For real. There’s a reason the best marriages are ones where people stay together through trials and tribulations, sickness and health (as wedding vows tend to say). I’ve known many couples like that who are happily married for 30+ years and not one would drop a spouse if they suddenly gained weight or say had a scar from an accident.
They can tell them that. But I feel like the person on the receiving end would lose all their self-confidence and more than likely not want to have sex anymore (if they still are)
I’m fat at the moment and so is my husband. I talked to him about improving diet and exercise so we can both feel better. I didn’t say “you’re not attractive to me unless you lose 50 pounds.” Because I;m not a jerk.
I've never been with anyone long enough for her to gain weight severely, so take what I say with a grain of salt.
There's a loving and affirming way to bring it up, I'm sure. Perhaps something like "I'm concerned about the effects on your health, and I'll be honest, it's affecting your appearance as well. Why don't you and I try a diet and exercise plan together?" (I'm a bit overweight, myself, so I can't imagine I'd be off the hook in any such scenario...)
Okay, so find a partner that agrees with you in this. The good thing about the world is there are billions of people, so if you’re with someone who doesn’t think like this, you can find someone who does.
same, as long as it came in a concerned loving tone and not being condescending. The honesty would more likely save our marriage be things can get out if control when you're wearing more elastic than jeans..
You are able to do it. There's nothing stopping you.
If you mean you want to mind control them into not being hurt by that, that's a bit unrealistic isn't it?
I think they can tell already. They are probably looking for a partner to help them lose weight, or do a fair share of housework and child rearing so that they can focus on their health.
I'm sorry but the right person is going to love you no matter what. My husband loved me at 300 pounds with no makeup and a pixie cut and he loves me now at 160 with hair to my ass and mascara.
I agree, if they love you less because of a bit of weight you put on, they only like you because of your attractiveness and don't genuinely love you. Conditional love is not love
Well the belief is that you love a person regardless of their appearance so if it’s out of concern for your partners health that’s one thing but if it’s just appearance then your the A
Would you leave your busband if he couldn't have sex anymore with you? Like if he became impotent or lost his penis to cancer? Serious question. Not being an ass about it.
Or is it because weight gain is something he did to himself and has control over? I ask because I've heard of men leaving their wives because they had to have mascectomies due to breast cancer.
Not super unpopular I guess but this is such a 20 something year old attitude to have. Listen, if you find someone you really love and you're with them many many years looks literally do not matter at a certain point. You'll both get old get Grey hair and most likely will gain weight, that's how life goes and that's fine. If you think I'm lying wait till you're 40 or 50.
Only if you were upfront from the beginning that you wouldn't be attracted to them anymore if their body changed.
Gaining weight us a pretty normal part of aging and the general consensus is that you love your spouse regardless and anticipate that they might not always be physically appealing. If you differ from that it's fine. It genuinely is. But you need to be upfront about it. That means in the honey moon phase when everything is sunshine and roses you say "I would stop being attracted to you if you gained a certain amount of weight" or "I am only physically attracted to thin women/men. A weight gain is a deal breaker for me"
I agree, however I would suggest trying to avoid saying terms like "I'm not attracted to you" even if it's true because that could leave lasting insecurities that might not ever go away even if the weight is lost. I'm totally keen on working together and keeping each other in check & accountable for our health and well being. After all we should be our partners biggest advocate!
Okay- BUT Its important to be realistic. If your wife had a baby and its still the first year give her a damn break. If they have mental health problems maybe try and fix that first.
If you can't talk to your wife about how she feels or can't help her with the baby enough to let her get time to exercise then stfu.
Its been 1.5 yeas since my little one came and im still 40lb heavier. I had a conversation with my husband on the fact I want to start making heavier decisions to live longer and be there for my son. He agreed that he also wanted to be healthier too.
Life is full of phases- sometimes you might just be going though a heavy one. Stfu and build on each other.
You should be able to tell them. Is that what you actually mean, though? Or do you actually mean: your significant other should not be upset or hurt at all if you decide to tell them that they’re fat and unattractive.
Because that’s not how humans work. Tough conversations have to happen sometimes, but there’s a reason that they’re tough and complicated.
> causing resentment
My significant other shouldn’t be allowed to resent me for telling them that I resent them.
Anyway upvoted for unpopular. Hope you learn some emotional maturity later in life and maybe come to learn that there are more important things in a partner than their constant ability to maintain a specific physical form for the satisfaction of your penis. Mental health struggles matter too - it’s not all about you. Help them.
I'll let you in on a secret: Most people, especially if they've struggled with their weight, are perfectly aware that they've gained weight. I think you should be able to talk to your spouse about anything, but placing expectations on them such as "You've gained weight, I find that unattractive, you need to be attractive to me again" is only going to add a ton of stress and lower their self-esteem. Approach it like you're a team, because you are; "Baby, I want to be together for as long as possible, so we both need to make some changes to our habits for the sake of our health."
I definitely agree, but just not saying it to where it comes off rude, saying things like “we need to get you a tummy tuck you fat pig” wouldn’t be so nice, lol.
This is going to be very hard to do tactfully, because you’re boiling *their* health issue down to how it impacts *you*.
“Honey, I’m concerned about you lately- you’ve gained some weight and I’m just concerned about your health and happiness”
Is a lot different than
“Honey, I’m concerned about you lately- you’ve gained some weight and I just don’t want to have sex with you any more”
Sure. Married couples should be able to communicate with each other, but also have some tact and be realistic. No man should be talking to his two-months postpartum wife about how in unattractive he finds her new body. If your husband starts gaining weight from his new antidepressants, maybe you don’t need to say anything right away… or ever. Your 65-year-old partner is allowed to get a little soft. Especially since they haven’t said a word about your progressive cul-de-sac hairstyle.
Nah. I mean, sure, you can talk to them about it. But you think they don’t know? Also, you think it helps them get healthier? All it does is tell them you’re hot garbage who doesn’t support them for better or for worse.
This is one of those age old debates: free speech.
YOU DO have the right to tell them, you just have to take the resulting consequences too, it’s your decision.
That's not the problem. The problem is that he or she is gonna get diabetes and have lots of health problems. Whether they wanna look attractive to me is beside the point.
it’s not part of the deal lmfao, people age, get sick, ,injured, lose weight, gain weight. you can’t possibly expect your partner to maintain being attractive. anything could happen, they could get first degree burns in a fire, get in a car accident and be left with facial deformities then what you are just going to leave ? yes substantial weight gain like 50+ lbs is good reason to say “hey maybe we need to start taking our health a bit more serious” but to say needing to stay attractive is “part of the deal” is ridiculous
My favorite part of this post is the end “that’s part of the deal.” It made me laugh but I totally agree - health problems are the primary concern but also a sex life and the way you make each other feel (attraction) is important. People put on and take off weight but something major would make me feel like part of what I loved about my partner was gone. Also, we’re very active so that would probably be another issue.
My wife was 90 lbs soaking wet when we met in high school. We’ve been married for 20 years now and she weighs 160 lbs. She’s not fat by any stretch of the imagination, but she is much more curvy then when we got married. I’m more attracted to her now then I have ever been. I’ve always thought she was sexy and beautiful, but her shape now really gets me. I’m not sure if it’s as I got older and more mature my tastes changed or if since she’s the only person I’m sexually interested in, my tastes evolved around her. I’m either extremely lucky that my maturing tastes in body type happened to match what my wife’s body type turned out to be, or if it never really mattered what her body type was because I am enthralled with her specifically and my tastes will always revert to whatever she looks like. I like to think it’s the latter.
If my fiancé told me that something was affecting his level of attractiveness to me in a direct, empathic, constructive, and supportive way I would be receptive and motivated to address the problem.
OR, you could grow the fuck up, and instead of making them feel bad, you could encourage better eating habits and exercise habits by doing it with them. Most times, all people need is encouragement and a buddy to live better, but you have to do it with a kind hand.
there is no chance in hell that just telling your spouse that they are too fat because you don't want to get with them anymore is going to improve your marriage or sex life. You are partners, solve the problem in a loving way. Don't bring crap food in the house, learn to cook healthier options, and solve the problem together, or you are not going to end up in a good place.
I agree with this mostly, but it does depend. Have they been underweight and are finally starting to gain? Is it pregnancy weight? Is it a medical thing? If it’s out of their control, then telling them that is rude and harmful. If they just aren’t bothering to take care of themselves then yes, it’s alright to tell them.
There's quite a difference between "I loved you in that dress" once a year and "are you going to eat that?" every other day.
Also, apparently this is not an unpopular opinion.
Again; there are the proper ways to say things, and ways to not say things.
Telling your partner they look like a pig and are ugly to you is not the way to do it. Which is how most people do it, either on purpose or by accident.
I mean I guess you should be able to tell your partner anything but take your partners own behavior in hearing something like that into account. You’re risking triggering an eating disorder.
you can make an observation, but to say you're less attracted to them says a lot about you. If you're married to someone, you're with them for better or for worse. Unfortunately we don't live in a world where you can say what you like.
I mean, I suppose. But also I think when you make a life long commitment to someone you should do it with the understanding that people's appearances will change. They will get older. Things sag and hair falls out. Wrinkles happen. Weight fluctuated. If that is a deal breaker for you, reconsider commitment.
No, you should not shame them. There are plenty of other people who are already doing that with backhanded compliments and rude comments. You as their partner should give them acceptance and love. If you feel like you really need to say that, maybe there are other problems in your relationship.
Honestly, I agree. Although approaching the topic is difficult because you don’t want to shame the other person into changing themselves and their lifestyle.
When I met my ex-husband, he was young and skinny and fit. But he came from a morbidly obese family and he learned his habits from them. Soon enough, age and metabolism caught up to him and he gained about 100 lbs over time.
At the same time, I realized I was gaining weight and not living in a healthy way. I found the motivation to get active and start eating better. I did lose some weight (although I was never really “fat”) but I also gained muscle and confidence in myself. Exercising became a bit of a hobby for me.
He, on the other hand, could not quit his binge eating and could only bring himself to work out once or twice a week. I tried gently to encourage him to eat healthy meals I would cook and not binge on junk after and exercise with or without me. I encouraged him when he was starting to lose weight, but it never really stuck. He was also a narcissistic asshole to me so admitting to him that his weight gain made him unattractive to me would not have gone over well. But I think he knew it deep down.
Ultimately, his weight gain and lack of motivation killed his physical appeal to me and I never wanted to sleep with him, which in turn fostered his resentment towards me, and we got a divorce. (I also realized he was abusive which was the number one reason I left)
I think it’s fair to voice your concerns with a partner and help encourage them to be their best selves, including losing weight if that’s important to you. But it’s also fair if that partner doesn’t want that for themselves. It’s not wrong to be fat, but it’s also not wrong to simply not be physically attracted to fat people. And when you and your partner disagree on such a thing, there comes a time when separation is best for both parties.
Yes. I told my partner and I felt super mean but he needed a reality check and has since started his weight loss journey.
It's easy to put on and so hard to get off.
I work out daily and watch what I eat and he needs to do the same.
People seem to forget that if you love your partner... you want them to be attracted to you. Becoming unhealthy isn't sexy. Both sides in a relationship should strive to take care of the others' needs. This isn't that hard or complicated.
Exactly! Especially if I'm keeping my shit together and putting in the effort to maintain myself!
We both had an agreement at the beginning to not let ourselves go.
I agree to a certain degree. Being less attracted to them and loving them are different things. You could loss attraction and still love someone no matter the circumstance.
Idk man. The majority of people who gain weight are *very* aware of how much weight they've gained, and are probably already self conscious about it. I think it's fair to talk about it in a way that's supportive and respectful ("I've noticed you haven't been focusing on your health recently, let's work together to start eating better," etc) But if you just say "you're fat and I'm not as attracted to you because of it." Then you're an ass. Society is already harsh enough on people who gain weight. You don't need to add to that by telling your partner you don't think they're hot.
What's funny is to imagine the reaction you would expect. Even in the best-case scenario.
"Oh wow, I had no idea that I had gained weight, or even more importantly, that you find me less attractive... THANK YOU for clueing me in!"
"I'll start an in-depth exercise regime first thing in the morning. It's easy to lose weight, so the pounds will fall right off, and my physical appeal will be right back where it was before! Thanks again! Good talk!"
YES!!! I was honestly shocked to see this on Reddit because everyone’s so staunchly “body positivity” on here. I had a baby and I was like 197 right after. I looked gross and I know it. So I lost 40 pounds before my husband could even say anything. And he **would have had every right to say something**. I don’t believe in sugar coating things. Most women act like you’re threatening their life if you tell them they’re fat 🙄
I agree that you should, and you sure can, but I've tried every single angle with multiple different girlfriends and they just won't lose weight once they're with you. It's only when they are single again will they improve themselves in this regard.
It's a little frustrating. Some girlfriends are happy to maintain their weight which is nice. I've had a girlfriend or two be willing to go to the gym with me. I'll spot her and teach them squats, play basketball and such. That's the only approach that has worked a little, you'd have to make it a habit and not say it's because of their weight. Just make it fun.
I’ll go a step further...
Putting on a large amount of weight is extremely disrespectful to your partner who fell in love with you when you were a healthy weight.
Exercise and eat healthy. It’s not hard.
Getting old is unavoidable. Getting fat is very avoidable.
Stop taking them for granted and put the effort in that you did at the start of the relationship.
This is true for a great many metrics, not just weight. It is also extremely disrespectful to become disabled due to an easily preventable situation for example. For people who fell in love with a fully-abled person, that is.
Uh…one of the easiest ways for women to gain weight is by getting pregnant. Then hormones kick in and it can be hella hard to lose the weight. Then some people have medical complications that also add into the fray. It’s not all cut and dry. You don’t always get fat because you are lazy. Life happens. I gained roughly twenty pounds after I got back to back sickness. Still trying to lose it
I’m pretty sure they know. They just don’t care.
That’s their right. Each couple just have to know what works for them. As a person who has been fat on and off, trust me, you know you’re fat.
It’s not that people can’t tell their spouses. It’s that they fuck up the delivery. It requires some nuance and finesse. Saying things straight up around sensitive subjects isn’t a good idea.
I would absolutely tell my wife if weight gain was making her less attractive. Health concerns are important in the case of significant weight gain, but losing attractiveness impacts the marriage, and this needs to be discussed
weight is a sensitive topic for a lot of people. I don’t understand why you’d need to tell your spouse “yeah, I find this thing about you to be super unattractive” unless they ask or if it’s something that’s genuinely a problem.
My wife was attracted to my height when we met. Being tall is not inherently good or bad, but it is a physical feature she finds attractive. If there was an unhealthy behavior that made me shrink, and I ate/smoked/drank myself down from 6'2" to 5'2", I would not expect her to "just deal with it" and feel the same way about me. But if she overeats and gains 100 lbs, that is exactly the expectation.
How did they look in their past relationship? If they have maintained the same body despite being in and out of different relationships that’s a pretty good indication they’re going to keep it up. Now if they get skinny after each breakup only to regain weight once they’re coupled you should run for the hills.
It says husband or wife... but we all know you can call a man fat any day of the week. The truth of this unpopular opinion is women cannot be told they're fat. There's no such thing as fat women anymore. They're thicc, voluptuous, bbw's, more to love etc etc. A fat man is simply a fat man. Please show me the magazine covers of fat guys.... I can find you thousands of fat women on the covers of Sports Illustrated, Victoria's Secret, etc etc.
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You should be able to tell your spouse literally anything.
But not without consequences. Just because something is true doesn’t mean it’s not a source of pain for the person it is true about.
Obviously you should say stuff with tact, but I think it is better to be open and honest than to let things stew until it becomes a bigger problem.
Agreed. OPs opinion was a little vague on the tact part so thought I’d add it
I usually assume people who think these things are "unpopular opinions" lack any sense of tact on these things.
Tact is a learned skill. Hard way or easy.
Heh heh. Bigger problem.
All a round best comment
3 things to ask yourself before you tell someone something. Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind? The last one implies there are better ways than others to approach sensitive topics.
Absolutely right. THINK before you speak. Is it Truthful Helpful Insightful Necessary Kind
Never go to bed angry
Oh i so happy tact exist in your language too! I was trying to write something like that the other day and didnt know τακτ was tact! Thanks!
You really can though, just don't expect to not have to face the consequences of what you say to them.
True you are going to spend your life with them so it’s good if you can tell them anything
“Hey honey, I have a habit of going on murderous rampages when I sleep, night!”
[удалено]
I mean there is a time and a place It’s best to discuss sensitive topics in a quiet place, away from noise and distractions and also take time to think HOW you will rais the topic so that you don’t cause unnecessary hurt. But I agree with your basic premise yea
Tact is so often looked over.
Because it's implied , and everyone approaches it differently
Anything? Anytime? "I want to fart on your Mom." "That girl over there is so much hotter than you." Maybe re-think your philosophy. It seems kind of selfish and basically is an excuse to do or say whatever you want. Deciding to be with each other in marriage definitely is not about Anything. Anytime. Anywhere. Some things are simply inappropriate. And that's fine. Run around saying hurtful things to somebody and they will end up being hurt. And you shouldn't want that to happen especially to somebody you care about...which is why you don't say them. Wanting to be there for each other and wanting to make each other stronger. That's a lot.
Why are you making this post instead of talking to your significant other
as long as you're not being a complete ass about it I agree
Ass, not an ass, you can absolutely say it. But you don't get to be surprised when they say right back "Got it. Now if you'll pardon me while I pack my things." If you're well within your rights to be incapable of adjusting what you're attracted to as you age, your spouse is well within their rights to not be attracted to a person of such low capability for adapting to change.
I never said they weren't. I'm not going to blame someone for not being attracted to someone after they change from how they were originally where (because no one has to adjust what they like to please someone else), just like I wouldn't blame the person for leaving after being told so. my point here is don't be an ass about it not don't expect them not to leave.
I made no judgments about what you did or didn't say. Just giving additional perspective.
sorry im used to people judging and being an ass on this app
Oh yes. This post in particular is a magnet for them.
yeah so im sorry i got defensive
No worries, it’s understandable. Thanks for being cool about it. Sorry I came in hot.
>incapable of adjusting what you're attracted to as you age I have to be cable of adjusting to being attracted to im fatasses just cuz I'm older?
>Now if you'll pardon me while I pack my things. "Wow, a talking swine"
There ain’t a way to do that without being a complete ass about it
if you're not an asshole person you can find a way to tell them without being an ass. there is nothing wrong with telling someone they gained weight and how you feel about it, there are things wrong with how you go about it
I love all these people acting as if it's just a matter of carefully phrasing it
It's always going to hurt, but phrasing makes a huge difference.
And part of not being an ass means accepting that they might feel hurt initially as you share this information.
Some of you people just need to actually speak to your partners instead of coming on Reddit and making passive aggressive posts about the problems in your relationship.
Bold of you to assume OP is in a relationship.
Your deserve an award. But not from me. Cause im poor
I got you covered
Ayyyeeee 😊 thanks!
Love it!
Yeah my head-canon for this post is that op called his wife a fat bitch and now he's mad that she got upset about it.
Ngl, that's what it sounds like to me too.
“Oh yeah? Well I asked REDDIT and they said they agree with ME!!1!1”
🤣🤣🤣 seems plausible tbh
🤣🤣🤣 seems plausible tbh
You can, you just need to do so from an extremely supportive and positive place. You also do not have the right to expect that they change for you once they have received your feedback.
I have an uncle who, years into his marriage, got into shape by watching his diet and walking/being more active. His wife, on the other hand, had gained a lot of weight and wouldn’t do anything with him. They eventually divorced, and he said that it was because she never did anything with him. She’d stay at home while he was off walking and being active. If my wife had gained a lot of weight, it would be a real strain on the relationship. Not just because of a reduction in attraction, but because of what it says about her personality. It says she’s not willing to make some changes to stay healthy. It would be really hard because I do stay active and exercise fairly regularly. I’m not saying you should expect people to stay the same weight forever. I certainly haven’t. But if your spouse gains a lot of weight and doesn’t make any effort to address it, I can understand harming the relationship, and I don’t fault someone from confronting their spouse over it. [Edit to fix a typo.]
>You also do not have the right to expect that they change for you once they have received your feedback. This is too individualistic for my taste. Relationships are a push and pull. If your partner comes to you, saying that gradual changes have become a deal breaker, and you spit it back in their face with no attempt to resolve the issue, you can reasonably expect to be dumped if your partner has any amount of self esteem.
Sure.. But just make sure you're doing your part too in the household so that they can actually achieve a healthy lifestyle.
So much this. OP is probably a lard ass won't get up to save his life to do jack shit, wife gains 5lbs, honey your fat, not as fat as you asshole... Side note I don't like calling people lard ass or ugly etc, but there are some, probably OP, who deserves these titles.
I was retroactively playing this scenario in my head and it’s hilarious as fuck
You should be able to tell them, and they should be able to accept that, but keep in mind that losing weight isn't always just a matter of willpower, especially after menopause.
It is still a matter of willpower, granted just requiring more. But I'd like to think that a couple who is at the age of going through menopause is at a point where they're okay with small changes in one another.
This is something a lot of people don't realize. Even after menopause or certain health conditions, 99% of the time it still comes down to willpower. It just takes more, sometimes a LOT more, than what they may have previously been doing. I have a close friend. She was very active in life and always very fit. However, after menopause she's gained some weight. She blames it on menopause because she still works out and can't get rid of her little extra body fat, but that's because she's still doing the same amount of work that she put in before menopause. To make up for the slower metabolism, she needs to work out more or differently or may need to change her diet. It can take some experimentation and time to figure out what works best for each person, but it's definitely possible. That isn't considering if the person now has severe physical limitations or no extra free time to put in the extra work of course. Just most people get upset at their weight gain but don't put in the extra amount of work that is needed. Also, as someone who struggled with this a lot in the past, to anyone else who may be struggling with this, starving yourself is never the answer. It causes your metabolism to slow down even more, your body wont function completely how it's supposed to which can lead to even more health problems, and can cause so much mental health decline. If you think you have an ED, please seek help. There is always a better solution and there are people who can help.
Yeah, it's a harsh reality of life, I knew I'd be downvoted for it, since something like 70% of people are overweight and 40% are obese, it's much easier to say that it's entirely out of our control than to accept that it is very much within our control, just more difficult. The mentality of so many people thinking that their weight is outside of their control does worry me though, we're in an obesity epidemic that isn't showing any signs of slowing, this sort of attitude is definitely not helping.
It's almost ALWAYS a matter of willpower. The laws of thermodynamics apply, even after menopause. Ingest fewer calories (energy) than you burn and you WILL lose weight. Some very rare medical issues make that more difficult, requiring more willpower. I'm not down playing how difficult the willpower aspect is, I'm pointing out that it's almost entirely a willpower issue.
So you ingest fewer calories and lose weight, but if you're older and especially female with a slow metabolism, reducing your calories that much isn't sustainable, so you regain any weight lost. I didn't believe it, either, until it happened to me! I was one of those "just eat less" people. It's not that simple. It worked when I was 30. It doesn't work now that I'm 60. We all age and should accept these inevitable changes in each other. Should women - or men - also be required to get cosmetic surgery when (not if) they develop wrinkles? I don't think so!
What do you mean it's not sustainable?
I mean if you only lose weight by eating one lettuce leaf per day, you're gonna get hella hungry and give that up. You have to eat so few calories to NOT gain weight that it's unrealistic. Very few women want to spend the rest of their lives starving just to fit in their old clothes. Some of us just have to accept that we're not 20 anymore and our bodies are bigger now, and that's how it's going to be. Some would even say that's a healthy attitude.
Prefacing by saying that I do not know much about this and I want to understand. Why can't women after menopause eat the same/more and also exercise more. Isn't it just a caloric numbers game?
It’s actually not. Pounds are more resistant after a certain point, and that point is more pronounced for women in particular as they enter peri menopause. I’m actually in a medically-supervised weight loss…thing. Which includes both normal weight +exercise-type stuff — exercise actually being pretty useless as it pertains to weight — and also hormonal medication.
Both dieting and exercise are useless when it comes to menopausal weight gain. Also intermittent fasting, because plenty of us have tried that, too. It's hormonal (and HRT doesn't magically fix it, either).
That is absolutely false. Sure, your metabolism may slow, meaning you'll burn fewer calories, but if you keep your intake lower than your output you WILL lose weight. There are no other factors involved in weight loss than (1) calories in vs (2) calories out. You're suggesting 2 is effected, so you'll need to adjust number 1
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Gee; I never thought of exercising! (sarcasm) Some of us are extremely physically active. We still mysteriously pack on the pounds after menopause and can't get rid of it. You'll just have to take our word for it...
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The main problem here is that 5-8% weight gain is not a problem at all if you start from a healthy weight. All women I know gained some kg at menopause, but seriously...the vast vast majority are still a healthy weight. Not even getting into the overweight category. Now if OP complained about this, they would be an ass. Because so long as it is a healthy weight, it should be fine. But somehow I don't think so. Also I have a feeling they weren't talking about someone 60+yo.
Post again when you're post-menopausal, if that ever happens (don't know your age or gender, but you don't know what you're talking about).
Dense take worded in a way that makes it hard to disagree. You can already do exactly what you’re describing. The implication is that you should be able to do this like a douche without ending up alone, which is incredibly stupid.
I feel like people use the word attractive so oddly. I love my wife for not just her looks but the way she laughs, the way she rolls her eyes when she’s annoyed, the way she shoves her face in every dogs she meets, and like 1000 other things. You may be with you significant other for the physical attractiveness but I can promise you if my wife looked like a fucking cow on crack I would still love her all the same. I can talk to her about anything and everything but god damn her weight is the last concern of mine.
This is the only comment that matters. Physical attraction is always fickle. Loving who a person is, is sustainable.
You deserve an award. Right there is how relationships remain, not the shallow shit OP seems to have preconceptions about.
Most people who think that way are single and single for a reason.
For real. There’s a reason the best marriages are ones where people stay together through trials and tribulations, sickness and health (as wedding vows tend to say). I’ve known many couples like that who are happily married for 30+ years and not one would drop a spouse if they suddenly gained weight or say had a scar from an accident.
Everyone like OP is single. Same as "yOu ShOuldNt Be ShAmeD FOr BOdYCoUnt PreFereNce" Enjoy being alone.
A cow on crack would be skinny cow!
They can tell them that. But I feel like the person on the receiving end would lose all their self-confidence and more than likely not want to have sex anymore (if they still are)
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I’m fat at the moment and so is my husband. I talked to him about improving diet and exercise so we can both feel better. I didn’t say “you’re not attractive to me unless you lose 50 pounds.” Because I;m not a jerk.
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I've never been with anyone long enough for her to gain weight severely, so take what I say with a grain of salt. There's a loving and affirming way to bring it up, I'm sure. Perhaps something like "I'm concerned about the effects on your health, and I'll be honest, it's affecting your appearance as well. Why don't you and I try a diet and exercise plan together?" (I'm a bit overweight, myself, so I can't imagine I'd be off the hook in any such scenario...)
I think hes saying that people shouldnt be so shaken up about that since its so impractical
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Okay, so find a partner that agrees with you in this. The good thing about the world is there are billions of people, so if you’re with someone who doesn’t think like this, you can find someone who does.
same, as long as it came in a concerned loving tone and not being condescending. The honesty would more likely save our marriage be things can get out if control when you're wearing more elastic than jeans..
You are able to do it. There's nothing stopping you. If you mean you want to mind control them into not being hurt by that, that's a bit unrealistic isn't it?
I think they can tell already. They are probably looking for a partner to help them lose weight, or do a fair share of housework and child rearing so that they can focus on their health.
I'm sorry but the right person is going to love you no matter what. My husband loved me at 300 pounds with no makeup and a pixie cut and he loves me now at 160 with hair to my ass and mascara.
I agree, if they love you less because of a bit of weight you put on, they only like you because of your attractiveness and don't genuinely love you. Conditional love is not love
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It seems very relevant, since she changed almost entirely physically.
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Well the belief is that you love a person regardless of their appearance so if it’s out of concern for your partners health that’s one thing but if it’s just appearance then your the A
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Would you leave your busband if he couldn't have sex anymore with you? Like if he became impotent or lost his penis to cancer? Serious question. Not being an ass about it. Or is it because weight gain is something he did to himself and has control over? I ask because I've heard of men leaving their wives because they had to have mascectomies due to breast cancer.
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Best way to put it 👍
Not super unpopular I guess but this is such a 20 something year old attitude to have. Listen, if you find someone you really love and you're with them many many years looks literally do not matter at a certain point. You'll both get old get Grey hair and most likely will gain weight, that's how life goes and that's fine. If you think I'm lying wait till you're 40 or 50.
Only if you were upfront from the beginning that you wouldn't be attracted to them anymore if their body changed. Gaining weight us a pretty normal part of aging and the general consensus is that you love your spouse regardless and anticipate that they might not always be physically appealing. If you differ from that it's fine. It genuinely is. But you need to be upfront about it. That means in the honey moon phase when everything is sunshine and roses you say "I would stop being attracted to you if you gained a certain amount of weight" or "I am only physically attracted to thin women/men. A weight gain is a deal breaker for me"
You can, though
I agree, however I would suggest trying to avoid saying terms like "I'm not attracted to you" even if it's true because that could leave lasting insecurities that might not ever go away even if the weight is lost. I'm totally keen on working together and keeping each other in check & accountable for our health and well being. After all we should be our partners biggest advocate!
Okay- BUT Its important to be realistic. If your wife had a baby and its still the first year give her a damn break. If they have mental health problems maybe try and fix that first. If you can't talk to your wife about how she feels or can't help her with the baby enough to let her get time to exercise then stfu. Its been 1.5 yeas since my little one came and im still 40lb heavier. I had a conversation with my husband on the fact I want to start making heavier decisions to live longer and be there for my son. He agreed that he also wanted to be healthier too. Life is full of phases- sometimes you might just be going though a heavy one. Stfu and build on each other.
You should be able to tell them. Is that what you actually mean, though? Or do you actually mean: your significant other should not be upset or hurt at all if you decide to tell them that they’re fat and unattractive. Because that’s not how humans work. Tough conversations have to happen sometimes, but there’s a reason that they’re tough and complicated. > causing resentment My significant other shouldn’t be allowed to resent me for telling them that I resent them. Anyway upvoted for unpopular. Hope you learn some emotional maturity later in life and maybe come to learn that there are more important things in a partner than their constant ability to maintain a specific physical form for the satisfaction of your penis. Mental health struggles matter too - it’s not all about you. Help them.
I'll let you in on a secret: Most people, especially if they've struggled with their weight, are perfectly aware that they've gained weight. I think you should be able to talk to your spouse about anything, but placing expectations on them such as "You've gained weight, I find that unattractive, you need to be attractive to me again" is only going to add a ton of stress and lower their self-esteem. Approach it like you're a team, because you are; "Baby, I want to be together for as long as possible, so we both need to make some changes to our habits for the sake of our health."
I definitely agree, but just not saying it to where it comes off rude, saying things like “we need to get you a tummy tuck you fat pig” wouldn’t be so nice, lol.
You absolutely can the issue is most people dont know how
I doubt that this opinion is unpopular.
Downvote because I feel like this isn’t an unpopular opinion, but I do agree
I agree. I wish my partners would have tried to take me to the gym. Like actually tried
This is going to be very hard to do tactfully, because you’re boiling *their* health issue down to how it impacts *you*. “Honey, I’m concerned about you lately- you’ve gained some weight and I’m just concerned about your health and happiness” Is a lot different than “Honey, I’m concerned about you lately- you’ve gained some weight and I just don’t want to have sex with you any more”
Nothing stopping you from saying that. But you are deluding yourself if you think words do not have consequences
Sure. Married couples should be able to communicate with each other, but also have some tact and be realistic. No man should be talking to his two-months postpartum wife about how in unattractive he finds her new body. If your husband starts gaining weight from his new antidepressants, maybe you don’t need to say anything right away… or ever. Your 65-year-old partner is allowed to get a little soft. Especially since they haven’t said a word about your progressive cul-de-sac hairstyle.
Nah. I mean, sure, you can talk to them about it. But you think they don’t know? Also, you think it helps them get healthier? All it does is tell them you’re hot garbage who doesn’t support them for better or for worse.
This is one of those age old debates: free speech. YOU DO have the right to tell them, you just have to take the resulting consequences too, it’s your decision.
Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. I'm so sick of this whole kindness word taking over all conversations. It's just fake
Sure but it’s how you do it. Truth without tact is cruelty.
That's not the problem. The problem is that he or she is gonna get diabetes and have lots of health problems. Whether they wanna look attractive to me is beside the point.
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it’s not part of the deal lmfao, people age, get sick, ,injured, lose weight, gain weight. you can’t possibly expect your partner to maintain being attractive. anything could happen, they could get first degree burns in a fire, get in a car accident and be left with facial deformities then what you are just going to leave ? yes substantial weight gain like 50+ lbs is good reason to say “hey maybe we need to start taking our health a bit more serious” but to say needing to stay attractive is “part of the deal” is ridiculous
My favorite part of this post is the end “that’s part of the deal.” It made me laugh but I totally agree - health problems are the primary concern but also a sex life and the way you make each other feel (attraction) is important. People put on and take off weight but something major would make me feel like part of what I loved about my partner was gone. Also, we’re very active so that would probably be another issue.
My wife was 90 lbs soaking wet when we met in high school. We’ve been married for 20 years now and she weighs 160 lbs. She’s not fat by any stretch of the imagination, but she is much more curvy then when we got married. I’m more attracted to her now then I have ever been. I’ve always thought she was sexy and beautiful, but her shape now really gets me. I’m not sure if it’s as I got older and more mature my tastes changed or if since she’s the only person I’m sexually interested in, my tastes evolved around her. I’m either extremely lucky that my maturing tastes in body type happened to match what my wife’s body type turned out to be, or if it never really mattered what her body type was because I am enthralled with her specifically and my tastes will always revert to whatever she looks like. I like to think it’s the latter.
Yeah this isn't a "the world today" thing. This is entirely your relationship.
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If my fiancé told me that something was affecting his level of attractiveness to me in a direct, empathic, constructive, and supportive way I would be receptive and motivated to address the problem.
Oh 9 /10?
I'd love an actual source for that statistic, because anecdotally I've never witnessed it in person.
OR, you could grow the fuck up, and instead of making them feel bad, you could encourage better eating habits and exercise habits by doing it with them. Most times, all people need is encouragement and a buddy to live better, but you have to do it with a kind hand. there is no chance in hell that just telling your spouse that they are too fat because you don't want to get with them anymore is going to improve your marriage or sex life. You are partners, solve the problem in a loving way. Don't bring crap food in the house, learn to cook healthier options, and solve the problem together, or you are not going to end up in a good place.
I agree with this mostly, but it does depend. Have they been underweight and are finally starting to gain? Is it pregnancy weight? Is it a medical thing? If it’s out of their control, then telling them that is rude and harmful. If they just aren’t bothering to take care of themselves then yes, it’s alright to tell them.
If you be nice and thoughtful about it and don't threaten to divorce, then yeah, you should tell them
There's quite a difference between "I loved you in that dress" once a year and "are you going to eat that?" every other day. Also, apparently this is not an unpopular opinion.
I specifically told my partner to tell me this if it ever happens lol I get upset when he lets me leave the house with toothpaste on my mouth.
Again; there are the proper ways to say things, and ways to not say things. Telling your partner they look like a pig and are ugly to you is not the way to do it. Which is how most people do it, either on purpose or by accident.
I mean I guess you should be able to tell your partner anything but take your partners own behavior in hearing something like that into account. You’re risking triggering an eating disorder.
you can make an observation, but to say you're less attracted to them says a lot about you. If you're married to someone, you're with them for better or for worse. Unfortunately we don't live in a world where you can say what you like.
ITA, as long as you aren't a hypocrite. You want your partner to be fit and attractive? You better be fit and attractive too.
I feel like more often than not they probably know their weight has taken its toll on the relationship without anything being said….
In sickness and in health. Dont back out now.
I mean, I suppose. But also I think when you make a life long commitment to someone you should do it with the understanding that people's appearances will change. They will get older. Things sag and hair falls out. Wrinkles happen. Weight fluctuated. If that is a deal breaker for you, reconsider commitment.
No, you should not shame them. There are plenty of other people who are already doing that with backhanded compliments and rude comments. You as their partner should give them acceptance and love. If you feel like you really need to say that, maybe there are other problems in your relationship.
In a healthy relationship, talking about it isn't shaming; it shows concern.
Honestly, I agree. Although approaching the topic is difficult because you don’t want to shame the other person into changing themselves and their lifestyle. When I met my ex-husband, he was young and skinny and fit. But he came from a morbidly obese family and he learned his habits from them. Soon enough, age and metabolism caught up to him and he gained about 100 lbs over time. At the same time, I realized I was gaining weight and not living in a healthy way. I found the motivation to get active and start eating better. I did lose some weight (although I was never really “fat”) but I also gained muscle and confidence in myself. Exercising became a bit of a hobby for me. He, on the other hand, could not quit his binge eating and could only bring himself to work out once or twice a week. I tried gently to encourage him to eat healthy meals I would cook and not binge on junk after and exercise with or without me. I encouraged him when he was starting to lose weight, but it never really stuck. He was also a narcissistic asshole to me so admitting to him that his weight gain made him unattractive to me would not have gone over well. But I think he knew it deep down. Ultimately, his weight gain and lack of motivation killed his physical appeal to me and I never wanted to sleep with him, which in turn fostered his resentment towards me, and we got a divorce. (I also realized he was abusive which was the number one reason I left) I think it’s fair to voice your concerns with a partner and help encourage them to be their best selves, including losing weight if that’s important to you. But it’s also fair if that partner doesn’t want that for themselves. It’s not wrong to be fat, but it’s also not wrong to simply not be physically attracted to fat people. And when you and your partner disagree on such a thing, there comes a time when separation is best for both parties.
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Yes. I told my partner and I felt super mean but he needed a reality check and has since started his weight loss journey. It's easy to put on and so hard to get off. I work out daily and watch what I eat and he needs to do the same.
People seem to forget that if you love your partner... you want them to be attracted to you. Becoming unhealthy isn't sexy. Both sides in a relationship should strive to take care of the others' needs. This isn't that hard or complicated.
Exactly! Especially if I'm keeping my shit together and putting in the effort to maintain myself! We both had an agreement at the beginning to not let ourselves go.
Diabetes and heart disease isn't kind.
I agree to a certain degree. Being less attracted to them and loving them are different things. You could loss attraction and still love someone no matter the circumstance.
You can literally tell anybody anything. How they are going to react is the only reason you should ever question whether you *should*.
Yes a 100%. And you should add that if they gain significant weight they're more likely to have health issues. Which is way worse.
But when my wife gains weight her boobs get bigger.
This i love big boobies 🫡
This is crazy. Way to destroy a relationship.
Everyone that disagrees with this is probably fat af.
Im 31 weigh 180 skateboard every weekend and gym every other day. I disagree
I am. Lol
I'm sure they already know they've gained weight. No need to tell them that.
Totally. I contracted my wife out as a dancer and weigh her every week like Sam Rothstein.
Weight fluctuates and I think more people need to get comfortable with that and accept it.
Idk man. The majority of people who gain weight are *very* aware of how much weight they've gained, and are probably already self conscious about it. I think it's fair to talk about it in a way that's supportive and respectful ("I've noticed you haven't been focusing on your health recently, let's work together to start eating better," etc) But if you just say "you're fat and I'm not as attracted to you because of it." Then you're an ass. Society is already harsh enough on people who gain weight. You don't need to add to that by telling your partner you don't think they're hot.
What's funny is to imagine the reaction you would expect. Even in the best-case scenario. "Oh wow, I had no idea that I had gained weight, or even more importantly, that you find me less attractive... THANK YOU for clueing me in!" "I'll start an in-depth exercise regime first thing in the morning. It's easy to lose weight, so the pounds will fall right off, and my physical appeal will be right back where it was before! Thanks again! Good talk!"
YES!!! I was honestly shocked to see this on Reddit because everyone’s so staunchly “body positivity” on here. I had a baby and I was like 197 right after. I looked gross and I know it. So I lost 40 pounds before my husband could even say anything. And he **would have had every right to say something**. I don’t believe in sugar coating things. Most women act like you’re threatening their life if you tell them they’re fat 🙄
Holy crap... an actual honest response from a person on reddit.
I’ll get b a n n e d again soon for this comment lol 😬
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I agree that you should, and you sure can, but I've tried every single angle with multiple different girlfriends and they just won't lose weight once they're with you. It's only when they are single again will they improve themselves in this regard.
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It's a little frustrating. Some girlfriends are happy to maintain their weight which is nice. I've had a girlfriend or two be willing to go to the gym with me. I'll spot her and teach them squats, play basketball and such. That's the only approach that has worked a little, you'd have to make it a habit and not say it's because of their weight. Just make it fun.
OP, my first reaction is that someone that shallow really doesn't love their SO.
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Why not? If my wife shaved her head bald I wouldn't be as attracted to her. Doesn't mean I don't love her. Same goes with gaining 100 pounds.
I’ll go a step further... Putting on a large amount of weight is extremely disrespectful to your partner who fell in love with you when you were a healthy weight. Exercise and eat healthy. It’s not hard. Getting old is unavoidable. Getting fat is very avoidable. Stop taking them for granted and put the effort in that you did at the start of the relationship.
This is true for a great many metrics, not just weight. It is also extremely disrespectful to become disabled due to an easily preventable situation for example. For people who fell in love with a fully-abled person, that is.
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Uh…one of the easiest ways for women to gain weight is by getting pregnant. Then hormones kick in and it can be hella hard to lose the weight. Then some people have medical complications that also add into the fray. It’s not all cut and dry. You don’t always get fat because you are lazy. Life happens. I gained roughly twenty pounds after I got back to back sickness. Still trying to lose it
I’m pretty sure they know. They just don’t care. That’s their right. Each couple just have to know what works for them. As a person who has been fat on and off, trust me, you know you’re fat.
It’s not that people can’t tell their spouses. It’s that they fuck up the delivery. It requires some nuance and finesse. Saying things straight up around sensitive subjects isn’t a good idea.
I would absolutely tell my wife if weight gain was making her less attractive. Health concerns are important in the case of significant weight gain, but losing attractiveness impacts the marriage, and this needs to be discussed
I agree with you so much
weight is a sensitive topic for a lot of people. I don’t understand why you’d need to tell your spouse “yeah, I find this thing about you to be super unattractive” unless they ask or if it’s something that’s genuinely a problem.
If you can’t talk to them about their weight, who can?
You should be able to tell your spouse how you feel and not just what she wants to hear
My wife was attracted to my height when we met. Being tall is not inherently good or bad, but it is a physical feature she finds attractive. If there was an unhealthy behavior that made me shrink, and I ate/smoked/drank myself down from 6'2" to 5'2", I would not expect her to "just deal with it" and feel the same way about me. But if she overeats and gains 100 lbs, that is exactly the expectation.
You can. I did. She is working on it and down 20 lbs. Its not hard if you marry the right person and you are open with your emotions.
How did they look in their past relationship? If they have maintained the same body despite being in and out of different relationships that’s a pretty good indication they’re going to keep it up. Now if they get skinny after each breakup only to regain weight once they’re coupled you should run for the hills.
It says husband or wife... but we all know you can call a man fat any day of the week. The truth of this unpopular opinion is women cannot be told they're fat. There's no such thing as fat women anymore. They're thicc, voluptuous, bbw's, more to love etc etc. A fat man is simply a fat man. Please show me the magazine covers of fat guys.... I can find you thousands of fat women on the covers of Sports Illustrated, Victoria's Secret, etc etc.